Work Text:
Time is a complicated construct that must be handled with silk gloves. The threads are connected on many different levels; the extent to which one of them can be knotted or cut is beyond our comprehension. If understanding is not an achievable solution, one should try to control it as much as possible in order to minimize the damage. These were Lu Guang's views on the subject before an unpredictable factor threw his statistical measurements off balance.
Personal feelings.
Selfish priorities.
He was not an emotionless person. He simply preferred to express them in a measured way and not to impose himself on anyone. When it came to topics that included himself and others, he tried to remain as objective as possible. But the moment you put one person's life above another, solely because you want to protect the person closest to you, you can no longer make objective decisions. It's worst when you put a certain person's life above several other's, to the point where you unhesitatingly put that person's live above your own.
Lu Guang didn't like losing control over his feelings, thoughts, or desires. It felt like an involuntary surrender of his logical thinking. He had never minded being alone. It was natural, like breathing, because that's how it had always been. Of course, there were a few onlookers, curious, or superficial passer-bys in his life, but Lu Guang never really felt compelled to keep people around him, until he did.
Cheng Xiaoshi.
A person who seemed strangely familiar. Who captivated Lu Guang from the very first second and never let go. When sunlight fell on his delicate black hair, it seemed to shimmer like black jewels dipped in syrup, yet thinking poetically was foreign to Lu Guang. In Cheng Xiaoshi's light brown eyes, gold flowed as cautiously as time passed, even though Lu Guang feared seeing the future blurred within. His smile was sincere, mesmerizing, and full of childlike joy, the spark of self-confidence wrapping his quiet naivety in silk, hiding it from prying eyes.
Everything about him was admirable, fresh, and open. Cheng Xiaoshi was everything he wasn't.
Eventually, they moved in together, working, talking every day as if it were the most natural thing in the world, as if Lu Guang deserved it.
Why must one always want more of the things they admire than it's allowed to take? Why want things that are more rightfully other's? Selfishness hides beneath desire that wraps itself oh-so-sweetly in the cloak of familiarity to ensnare sin with grace. Does victory taste good in receiving love at the price of denying the person in question?
"Lu Guang, you look so thoughtful." Cheng Xiaoshi dropped onto the sofa next to him.
"What are you thinking about?" He smiled without any trace of unnaturalness.
"About what I need to buy."
"Hmm." He hummed.
"Are you coming to eat? I made a special effort because you were so absent today." He grinned and is already tugging at Lu Guang's arm.
"Sure, I'll come."
Things have been a little quieter in the photo studio lately. Fewer clients, less hassle. But that also means more time to think. Lu Guang likes to give his mind something to work with, to keep himself occupied, and to prevent unwanted thoughts from entering his head. It's one thing to want to make Cheng Xiaoshi comfortable after particularly tough dives; it's another to drag him into a hole deeper than the boundaries of friendship. Friendship that's too precious to be directed at Lu Guang anyway. Friendship that means everything to him and could be destroyed by little more than nothing. Emotions are unpredictable, as are reactions or consequences of mistakes made at the wrong time.
Something avoidable, at least if reason hasn't yet been drowned by desire.
Cheng Xiaoshi places a plate of hot dumplings on the table in front of him. The scent is warm, yeasty, and doughy from the flour and water mixture, with a savory note from the filling. Lu Guang pours a mixture of spicy soy sauce, vinegar, and sesame oil over the food and then picks up his chopsticks.
"Does it taste good?" Cheng Xiaoshi looks at him expectantly.
Lu Guang just nods and continues chewing on the warm dough. His food always tastes good.
-
Lu Guang feels his cold arms. His skin longs to be touched. Every cell in his body cries out for attention, even though being alone has never been a problem. He felt his hands tremble in the cold wind coming from the window. His eyes descended upon the pale skin, as white as milk.
In everyday life, Cheng Xiaoshi was often annoying, unhelpful, and disrupted his plans. Yet, Lu Guang never considered leaving; he could never imagine that another person would ever be so important to him. Cheng Xiaoshi brought color to his world, showed him how to live instead of survive, and made his black-and-white day colorful with his smile, brimming with emotion.
-
The next day, they got a job from a middle-aged man. He wants to tell his girlfriend from the past that he loves her. Because he's not good with words, he could only show it to her with gestures. The two had broken up two years ago, and since then, his life had been full of regret. "This way, I can finally put the past behind me and have nothing to regret anymore," were his words. Cheng Xiaoshi listened to his story as if spellbound and didn't hesitate for a second to accept the assignment. Lu Guang was calm and thoughtful during the story. It was as if the man were simply running away from his guilty conscience and wanted to express love he no longer felt. It wasn't the first time they had accepted orders that disguised the client's selfish intentions as innocent remorse, but paying customers were paying customers.
After the familiar clash of their hands, Cheng Xiaoshi disappeared from the room.
It felt odd to hear his roommate in someone else's body say the words 'I love you.' It wasn't even his voice, and yet Lu Guang's heart beat faster after the words echoed in his head. Cheng Xiaoshi's voice was constantly in his head, nervous, agitated, and hectic, as if it were his own love he had just expressed. Lu Guang felt comfortable with the other man in his head. Even if he had to be more careful, the closeness was something precious, something he didn't want to let go of.
"You can come back."
And the next moment, the black-haired man stood in the middle of the room, but something felt strange. The other's thoughts stuck in his head like gum; Lu Guang heard it as if through glass, filtered, but nonetheless crystal clear and as fragile as ice chips.
(Cheng Xiaoshi?)
(Huh? Lu Guang, why can I still hear your thoughts?)
The voice scratched against his brain like sandpaper. Unexpected and unwelcome, but he couldn't bring himself to wish it away.
(I don't know.)
(Strange, that should only be possible while I'm in a photo.) He rested his chin on one hand and looked thoughtfully at the ceiling.
"Something must have gone wrong with the severing of the connection between the time of the photo and this one. It's as if time has melted away, as if the connection didn't remain in the photo." Lu Guang speaks up.
"Or I entered another photo from the photo, one from after the event, from the future that doesn't exist yet, and you were there too, because it wasn't really a photo. But why don't I remember it then?"
"Such nonsense." Lu Guang pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance.
"It doesn't really matter why. The connection should disappear; something like that can't remain constant for no reason. The ability works in photos, because we're outside of it whatever went wrong should fade over time anyway."
"Can't we go into a photo and back again? Maybe then it'll go back to normal." Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes sparkled.
"Not a good idea. The abnormality must have a reason. We don't know if someone else is messing with time and getting too close to us. It's too uncertain right now."
"Oh, I didn't think about that." Cheng Xiaoshi scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed.
(Damn, I didn't think it through again.)
(It's not up to you to worry about it.) Lu guang looked at the other in silece.
The two sat quietly next to each other for a while. Lu Guang was busy thinking about the situation and simultaneously suppressing as many secondary thoughts from his mind as possible so as not to be read like an open book by Cheng Xiaoshi through their connection. And that was the moment it hit him.
(I think about him too much.)
(What?)
(Nothing. Don't get distracted.)
(Fine, fine.) He looked away, offended.
Lu Guang sighed. "We should try to ignore the whole thing. It won't do any good to think about it endlessly if we can't change anything."
"If you say so." He smiled and strolled into the kitchen.
There's a saying that goes, 'Time heals all wounds.' But what if the wound is repeatedly scratched open with knives and stretched wide with iron ropes? Is it only the human mind that makes us believe that time doesn't have the power to make us forget our sins and bid farewell to sad memories with a wistful smile? Lu Guang still remembers exactly when he first saw the jet-black-haired man. He never liked the concept of 'love at first sight.' Even after this, the only thing he could convince himself to believe in is the possibility of love when you see a person for the first time. A feeling that promises future love. A connection that leaves no doubt about attraction. At the end of the day, all he could hope for is being able to hide his thoughts from Cheng Xiaoshi.
Said man entered the room half an hour later, a broad smile on his face and two milk teas in his hands.
"Here you go." He placed one in front of him.
"Thank you."
"Qiao Ling was here earlier. I told her we did the job."
(It was ok that I didn't tell her about the side effects, right?)
(Yes. She's not completely familiar with our work, and the fewer people who know about it, the better.)
Cheng Xiaoshi visibly flinched.
"I almost forgot you're still in my head." He laughed awkwardly.
Lu Guang took small sips from the tee, a thoughtful expression on his face. The two were watching a movie, and plenty of Cheng Xiaoshi's comments on it were swirling around in his head. Lu Guang did everything he could to think about banal things. When he had opened a book earlier and read everything aloud in his head, Cheng Xiaoshi complained about the boring and monotonous content.
While they were eating, too many thoughts escaped, obscuring praise for Cheng Xiaoshi's cooking skills. The other just smiled gently every time Lu Guang's dismissive demeanor clashed with his caring thoughts.
It was as if he already knew everything, and this thought was disturbing. The truth is a silk scarf, incredibly beautiful to behold. Because of its fragility, no one truly wants to own it, and because of its uncertain durability, no one wants to give it away. Lies are simple rags, cheap but more practical, and they are used carelessly.
-
The days pass, personal thoughts slipping illicitly through the thin wall between control and desire. Cheng Xiaoshi and he had often been mentally connected overnight, but it was a new challenge to control his thoughts for so long. His roommate didn't seem to bother filtering his thoughts at all, even though he occasionally interrupted and shifted his thoughts away from a topic he apparently didn't want Lu Guang to hear him think about. It felt warm and innocent to hear Cheng Xiaoshi's thoughts around the clock, to have his voice in his head, to know for sure what he was thinking, so close to him and only him.
(Are you bringing the chips?)
(Sure.)
They could hear each other even when they weren't together; it calmed Lu Guang as much as it excited him.
Outside there was snow, white and fluffy, cold and grainy. Cheng Xiaoshi and Qiao Ling were on the street in front of the house, throwing snow at each other and laughing. The joy reached Lu Guang's mind as he sat on the couch, hot chocolate warming his cold, red fingertips, the smile open to see at the corner of his mouth, but no one was there to witness.
The door swung open, and a cold wind invaded. Lu Guang almost dropped his cup at the sudden noise.
"Heyyy." Cheng Xiaoshi came grinning into the room, his jacket white and wet.
"Xu Shanshan picked up Qiao Ling to go shopping with her." He brushed hair from his forehead, melting white lumps in it.
"She gave me cookies." His eyes sparkled as he shoved one into his mouth with a grin.
"Do you want some?"
"I don't particularly like sweets." He grimaced briefly.
Cheng Xiaoshi laughed and plopped down next to him on the couch.
"Hey, you're making the couch we—"
With a quick flick of his hand, the other man popped a cookie into his mouth.
"Well? It's not that sweet, right?" He chuckled.
(It's not bad.)
"That's what I'm saying," Cheng Xiaoshi exclaimed happily.
Lu Guang's cheeks turned a light pink as he realized another thought had slipped his mind.
"Are you coming to the basketball court?"
"What? It's cold." The mere thought made Lu Guang shiver.
"Pretty please, Guang Guang."
He moved a little closer, his wet hair brushing Lu Guang's cheek. With an irritated expression he pushed Cheng Xiaoshi away. The red on his cheek was a warning sign that he needed to recover from the other man's proximity.
(Please?)
(Fine.)
Cheng Xiaoshi made a victorious gesture with his arm.
Lu Guang put on his raincoat, reluctantly but not quite as annoyed as he would have expected.
When Cheng Xiaoshi opened the door, however, he regretted having agreed; the wind literally cut cracks into the now reddened skin of his face.
Lu Guang put his hands over his mouth to blow warm air against it. The man next to him didn't seem bothered by the cold at all; with light steps and a smile on his face, he encouraged Lu Guang to walk faster.
The court was empty, the ground frozen, and small icicles hung from the rim of the basket. Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed the ball from the ground and threw it without hesitation. He scored several times. Lu Guang stood still at the rim, tightened his grip around his scarf, and watched his friend run around with quiet admiration.
"Hey, come here too."
His own steps were hesitant on the slightly frozen ground. He let Cheng Xiaoshi pass him the ball and flinched at the feeling of his hands on the cold object.
"Are you cold? Your nose is all red." He took off his gloves.
"Here, you can have these."
(Why didn't I bring mine.)
"I think Qiao Ling took yours earlier. She said you wouldn't leave the house in this temperature anyway."
"She forgot about your stubbornness."
"I guess that's right." He smiled broadly.
Lu Guang felt warm. Maybe not just from the gloves.
He grabbed the ball again and threw. Cheng Xiaoshi's clapping sounded next to him, and only then did he see that it hit the basket.
After a while, they sat on a bench at the edge of the court, eating the remains of the cookies. They were filled with chocolate, sticky sweet, but still a little warm.
"Your lips are blue." It sounded as if Cheng Xiaoshi couldn't decide whether to be worried or amused.
"Yeah."
"They're also chapped." His gaze was completely fixed on the other's lips.
Lu Guang stared silently at the ground, trying to look as unaffected as possible to hide his embarrassment. Suddenly, the other man poked at his lower lip with a nonchalance that shouldn't have been possible.
"Wahh, cold." Then he bit into another cookie, his feet twirling through the snow.
Lu Guang sat still, frozen, the heat from Cheng Xiaoshi's touch on his lips spreading all across his cheeks.
(E = mc². Energy equals mass multiplied by the square of the speed of light.)
Cheng Xiaoshi looked at him, confused and horrified. Lu Guang had other worries. His body's reaction was far too strong, and he couldn't allow his thoughts to derail as well.
Was this idiot really so naive? So reckless, thinking that his actions would have no consequences? Slowly, he brought a finger to his blue lips and gently ran it over the cracked surface.
"Stop that nonsense. You scared me." He turned his head to the side.
Cheng Xiaoshi laughed. "Yes yes, i got it. I know you don't like touching." He playfully put an arm around Lu Guang's shoulder.
(It's different with you.)
Lu Guang slapped a hand against his face and groaned in frustration.
"Oh?" Cheng Xiaoshi began to beam.
"Forget about it." Lu Guang watched as the other man's red lips curled, the pale skin of his cheeks flushed a rich red from the cold, and his light brown eyes shone even brighter in the dark surroundings.
Cheng Xiaoshi said nothing more, tilted his head to the side, and rubbed his hands together.
The sun slowly began to dim, honey-sweet yellow tones blending the end of day and the beginning of night, running like milk through chocolate. The last warmth of the sun caused an icicle to melt and fall to the ground.
Then it turned dark blue, trees cast long shadows, and the air became cooler.
"Let's go back." Cheng Xiaoshi gently tugged on the shorter man's sleeve.
"Mhm." Lu Guang nodded slowly, white strands brushed over his face.
They walked in relative silence, the ground smooth, the air as cold as a freezer. Back at the photo studio, they were greeted by warmth.
Cheng Xiaoshi plopped down on the couch and began typing on his phone. Lu Guang sat next to him, their mutual silence gently enveloping them as it grew darker and darker outside. But of course, the longed-for peace was short-lived.
"Hey, let's go to a bar." Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes lit up.
Despite the absurdity of his suggestion, he seemed to consider it a plausible idea. The question hung in the air like dirty plates on a table that no one bothered to clean.
"You know the answer." He said calmly, picking up the book he'd read earlier that day.
The rough pages crunched under the influence of his touch.
"Oh, come on. It won't be long. It's not as much fun alone." Cheng Xiaoshi pushed his head closer and pressed himself onto the other man's shoulder.
"Go alone."
In fact, he didn't want him to go alone. Didn't want him to go at all. The silent pleas in Lu Guang's head continued, and what was the point in arguing?
"Okay."
"Really?"
Lu Guang just nodded and slowly got up from the couch.
"Where did the idea even come from?" Filler questions.
A grin spread across Cheng Xiaoshi's face. "So there was this message from---- And someone told me that---- Then I thought it would be great if----"
Lu guang slipped his still-wet coat over his shoulders and stepped into the wet, dark outside.
The walk was rather short, despite that, he had never been to this place before, never to these places in general.
"I hope I didn't force you." The other laughed awkwardly.
Lu Guang just raised an eyebrow, hoping his disparaging thoughts were enough.
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
"But—"
"Idiot." He walked faster.
"I can make my own decisions."
"Eh-he, sorry."
The door in the small side street was old and had lost almost all of its red paint. Inside, it was crowded, smelled of stale air, and he was pressed between strangers bodies. Lu Guang immediately regretted it.
He grabbed Cheng Xiaoshi's sleeve, and they both squeezed through the crowd.
Cheng Xiaoshi's face beamed, greeting people he knew, smiling at strangers, and pulling a reluctant roommate along with him.
The music sounded so loud in his ears that it almost went quiet again in his head. Lu Guang felt hypnotized, the lights so bright, so colorful, and they were everywhere.
Everywhere.
At a counter, he was offered drinks, and at some point, it's no longer possible to politely refuse them. So, as he held the small, thick glass in his fingers, his gaze wandered beside him again and again. Cheng Xiaoshi was talking to different people, his lips changing from thick and pouty to a smiling semicircle, and his eyes were dully, confused and glittering under the lamp that only cast a flickering light on them.
It was hard to tell who was drunker; Cheng Xiaoshi kept switching from having his head on the table, moaning about a headache, to excitedly chatting about this and that, and then winking charmingly at the people next to him.
Lu Guang, on the other hand, was silent, letting his mind wander and staring like a lovesick high school student at someone he couldn't even admit was far more sober than he.
Lu Guang could feel his lips twitching, his eyelids fluttering, and nervously shifting in his chair. His gaze flickered from window to door and to the floor again.
Outside, there were no stars to be seen, the air was so heavy and it hurt. What hurt?
Somehow, all of a sudden, it was black. The wood scraped against his head, and he noticed that his head had fallen forward. But why? He wasn't really drunk at all.
Next to him he heard a familiar voice laughing.
(Pfft, you can't seem to handle alcohol, huh?)
(Shutup.)
The laughter echoed in Lu Guang's head and strange thoughts swirled around in his mind. The thought that Lu Guang knew the man next to him was intoxicating. It was strange, really. One is sure to know what love is, but does love even know what is expected of it?
It's the opposite of selfless. What else of an option is even there?
If someone were to say, 'My love is unconditional,' wouldn't it be hypocritical to keep it to yourself? If the condition of protecting yourself from rejection is stronger than the desire to love the person openly, isn't it selfish? But what are the thoughts of a drunk man even worth.
Their eyes met, and he could taste the sweet seduction, feel the desperate look on his face. It would be almost pathetic, but devotion doesn't fall on that level; the step into agony was missing.
Lu Guang could hear his best friend thinking of someone, he wanted to be close to that person, listing compliments in his head. The jealousy in his chest was painfully palpable, but where did the anger at someone Cheng Xiaoshi recognized as worthy come from? Lu Guang let his head fall back onto the table. Who would have thought he'd become so strange when drunk? His white hair lay on the surface; he could see the dark wood, every fiber. Heat gathered in his head, and everything spun before his eyes.
He could hear people talking to him, flirting with Cheng Xiaoshi, or the music that stuck in his head like old caramel. The sweat on his forehead, hot, cold, anything but pleasant.
It hurt in his neck, a stinging stronger than the pounding in his head.
(Cheng Xiaoshi.)
(What?)
The voice sounded jittery, yet so serious and composed.
(Where are we?)
(In a bar.)
(You're here, right?)
(Yes.)
(And you're not leaving?)
(I'm not going anywhere.)
A sigh escaped him, and he turned his head slightly to the side. Brown eyes were there, staring into his, promising something that was clear could never be kept. Lu Guang smiled; it was crooked, it hurt, but it was honest, and wasn't that what mattered in the end? This person would never belong to him. Fate would take Cheng Xiaoshi away from him again. No matter how often Lu Guang tried, there was no happy ending. But who could blame him for not being able to let go? It was one of the things that made him realize how human, how dependent he was. It was a comforting thought. When Cheng Xiaoshi gave him that sweet, youthful look, he felt so young, much younger than he was. It seemed almost unreal to him how much he had already tasted live, and yet he was stuck in the same years. It was a pleasant thought to tell Cheng Xiaoshi about it. The problem was never that Lu Guang didn't trust him to take it well. On the contrary, what frightened him most was that the other man would accept what Lu Guang never could. He rested his head on one hand and scanned the many people again. That's why he shouldn't tell Cheng Xiaoshi. And again, it was just a selfish fear; after all, this was about his own comfort. And if you're honest with yourself, you enjoy wallowing in self-pity far too much. Real pain is rawer and more honest.
"You know..." Cheng Xiaoshi almost choked the words out, they left his throat with great force.
Lu Guang turned his head and could only respond with a stifled hum. The man next to him looked away, his cheeks red.
"I..." He scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed.
Lu Guang remained silent and waited, too tired to think.
"I think I'm in love with you." His eyes darted around the room, nervously fiddling with his pants, then staring at the wooden table in front of him, covered with spilled alcohol.
The fog in Lu Guang's head suddenly thickened, the voices around him muffled even more, and the light got dimmer still. His mouth opened, and his eyes widened in shock. There had to be a misunderstanding, right?
Lu Guang tried desperately to suppress hope. Hope hurt, nothing more. Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes slowly darted back up. This shy yet determined expression made Lu Guang feel drunk in a completely different way.
"T-It started in high school." He looked briefly at the ceiling and then back again, almost eager to explain.
"Who could blame me? Look at you." He pointed at Lu Guang.
A pink hue formed on the white-haired man's cheeks.
"Stop it."
Cheng Xiaoshi pouted. "It's true. You're far too nice for me to not love you."
Lu Guang opened his moth and them closed it again. An uncertainty overcame him, leaving a bitter aftertaste.
"You like me?" He asked cautiously.
"Yes. I love you." And then he smiled.
Lu Guang felt his heart pounding, and only then did he realize how long he had wanted Cheng Xiaoshi to return his feelings. It was so beautiful it hurt, he could hardly breathe.
"I love you too." He didn't meet his eyes.
When he finally raised his gaze, Cheng Xiaoshi's face was incredibly close. He smiled broadly, and a certain hunger shone in his eyes.
"Say if you don't want it." He whispered.
Who would Lu Guang be to deny how much he longed for this, how far he leaned forward to meet Cheng Xiaoshi more quickly, how desperately his lips tingled. His eyes closed fastly, and the anticipation almost burned him, and then, finally, full, eager lips met his. It tasted so good, so sweet. Lu Guang wrapped his arms around the other's neck, pressed his body against him, and absorbed the surprised moans he received in return.
Every time they separated to catch their breath, lips made that delicious sound, and Cheng Xiaoshi looked at him with a care that set his organs ablaze. And then they kissed again, the taste minty, like various choktails, a little sour, so incredibly addictive.
When they finally pulled away completely, Lu Guang almost fell off his chair because of the way he had leaned over. They stared long and intensely into each other's eyes. And he was overcome by a boldness he hadn't expected from himself.
(I have to tell you something.)
Maybe it was that moment when the connection finally broke.
And maybe it was okay to be selfish.