Chapter Text
“And I knew you'd come back to me” - Cardigan, Taylor Swift
“Come with me to Paris.”
Belly hadn’t even registered what she had just said; the words slipped out like instinct, as if saying anything else would’ve been another lie. Just an hour ago, she was in a wedding dress that she bought during a clearance sale, about to get married in front of an audience filled with people she didn’t know. Now here she was, a literal runaway bride, standing in front of the first boy she ever loved, asking him to hop on a plane with her to the other side of the world.
Conrad’s eyes widened for a bit as he waited for the punchline. There was absolutely no way she was asking him to join her. After everything they had been through in the past two days, he was surprised that she even came over to talk to him at all. “Is this a joke?”
“It’s not.” Belly replied with a quick zip, barely letting him finish his sentence.
“I’m waiting for my flight back to California.”
“And California will still be here when we get back.” It was astounding how this girl truly had an answer for everything. The funny part about it was that she was being completely serious.
He was itching to just say yes.
Conrad would follow Belly to the ends of the earth if she asked him to. Even now, despite everything they went through, he would do anything she asked him to. But this, this was different. It didn’t feel right just yet. He wanted to go with her and he has mentally kicking himself for even second guessing what felt like the most obvious answer.
There were a million things left to do before his second year of medical school started in the fall. He couldn’t just drop everything. At least not like this. “You don’t know what you’re asking. Your study-abroad semester is for you to go and find yourself, not drag me along to… mess you, to mess…. whatever we are to one another.”
“So don’t mess it up.” Belly replied with a certain ‘duh’ in her voice as if the answer was so obvious. She couldn’t bring herself to address the last part of what he had said, just yet, because even she wasn’t ready to find out what he thought they were to one another, or ‘whatever’. “Yes, I may have left my ex-fiancé at the altar but you, Conrad Fisher, are a confused medical student who just so happened to confess his undying love to a girl two days before her wedding day. I think we’re both in need of a little soul-searching, don’t you?”
Conrad was both shocked and pleasantly surprised with how blunt Belly laid it all out. Perhaps suddenly breaking off your engagement, then frantically jetting off to another country does that to a person. “You drive a hard bargain, Isabel Conklin.”
Belly smirked. “I mean, look who you’re talking to.” She reached for her back pocket and pulled out a small card along with a pack of chocolates before chucking it into Conrad’s hand.
“My favorite.” He stared at the pack of Hershey’s minis.
“What can I say, I guess I counted on you saying yes.” They shared a short laugh. “What do you say, Conrad Fisher?” They always knew how to match each other’s playful sass.
The blue travel gift card stared back at him as he fiddled with it his hand. It was so unlike Conrad. He thought about how his dad would tell him off for being so irresponsible or how Jeremiah would yell at him for being a terrible older brother. But then again, all he’s ever done for the past 22 years of his life was be the ‘Conrad’ everyone expected him to be. Conrad never had the option to choose himself. Everyone in his life got to be freely selfish; why couldn’t he get to do it this one time? And here Belly was, practically holding out her hand.
“Fuck it. Let’s go to Paris.”
“If you think about it, what we’re doing is pretty fucking funny.”
Belly let a small laugh, quiet enough not to wake the already-snoring man in their row. In fact, when he started snoring even louder. Conrad returned her laugh. “Belly, we’re on a plane to a country neither of us knows anything about. How the fuck is this funny? If anything, it’s stupid.”
Belly rolled her eyes as she playfully shoved him towards the snoring man, who by some twisted joke from the universe, got the coveted aisle seat. “That’s my point, Dr. Genius.” Belly felt the corners of her mouth lightly curve as she caught a glimpse of Conrad rolling his eyes the exact same way. That was one of the first of many habits Belly picked up from him. “The whole point of finding ourselves is to make stupid decisions that we can look back on and laugh about one day. Right?”
Even though she tried to play it off as a joke, Conrad liked the philosophy behind what Belly had just said. For so long, all they had ever known outside of Philadelphia and California was just Cousins. So right after they converted the gift card into Conrad’s boarding pass for Paris, they both decided to not tell their parents anything just yet. They also didn’t want to go into that conversation without damage control preparations. It helped that they probably had the whole flight to figure it all out since Adam was probably with Jeremiah and Laurel already knew Belly needed to be literally anywhere else other than Cousins.
“You think they’ll be mad?”
It was Conrad’s turn to point out the glaring obvious. He squinted his eyes at Belly, trying to register if she had actually just asked a question they both clearly knew the answer to. “Seriously?”
“I know they’ll be mad, you idiot! I mean, do you think they’ll understand why we did it?”
“Laurel and John will,” Conrad replied with certainty. “But I guarantee you that my dad will just be an asshole about it.” Conrad knew that biologically, a part of him is inclined to feel even the tiniest bit of love for his father. But he despised him in every other capacity. Even the mere image of him as a passing thought in his mind was enough to make Conrad’s blood boil. No amount of therapy would ever help Conrad like or respect his dad as a human — not after everything he did to their family.
That’s why he was grateful for Laurel, someone he considered more of a parent than his dad. Laurel understood him better than anyone else, possibly even better than Belly did. He had lost count of the times he called Laurel because she was the only person he felt comfortable crying in front of. And every time he called, she always picked up.
“Yeah, Adam’s an asshole for sure.” Belly turned away to look out her window, admiring how the wing of the plane just glided through the open air. “But you have to hand it to him, he was definitely the breaking point that made me realize I couldn’t marry your brother.”
Conrad was taken aback. The irony was almost laughable. Wasn’t it his dad who pushed for the wedding?
It was if Belly had read his mind. “I know your dad was the first one to support Jeremiah and I with the venue and all the other bullshit.” They both looked at each other, pause, and as if in sync, chuckled at the fact that Belly had just referred to what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life as ‘bullshit’. “But when we actually started planning and running errands, it all became too real. I knew something was wrong when I noticed how stressed I was and how it clouded my happiness.”
She paused for a second and let out a deep sigh. “I never envisioned what my perfect wedding would be like but I like to believe I’m smart enough to know that it shouldn’t feel like this. Getting married should make you feel happy, and that’s just not how I felt.” A part of her always knew something was missing between her and Jeremiah, and that was the one thing that was the missing piece to her happiness. Still, she never found the courage to admit to herself that being with Jeremiah was settling for minimal happiness. Now, saying the words out loud meant that this was her reality now.
Just days ago, Belly had told Conrad that she wanted nothing to do with him. Now, here she was, halfway across the world, telling him the deepest thoughts and secrets that even she couldn’t confront on her own. There was something about Conrad that made her feel comfortable to open up to him, no matter how ashamed or embarrassed she felt her secret was. She knew that even as time passed by, he would always be the boy who took the time to not only listen, but to also see and understand her the way no one else would.
Belly looked down at her now-bare left hand where her engagement ring used to sit. She had already slipped it off on the way to the airport. It was another reminder of a life she would have had, but just couldn’t. Was it mean to compare wearing her engagement ring to suffocation? Possibly. But when she thought she’d feel empty not having it on, it was almost comedic how taking it off had never let her breathe so well.
“I lost myself in Jeremiah.” She repeated Taylor’s harsh words. “Four years later and all I have are memories I shared with him, and none of just me. It wasn’t like with you and I, you know?”
“What do you mean?”
Belly let out a heavy breath. She felt guilty that she was about to compare Conrad and Jeremiah, but it was the truth. “I was my own person with you. You pushed me to seek out the world. Jeremiah wanted to play it safe. Safe was comfortable, so even if our relationship wasn’t exciting like what you and I had, it was something I knew.”
Conrad had always thought that it was the other way around. Maybe it was because Jeremiah told him point blank to his face that he wasn't good for Belly or because he wanted an excuse to push Belly away, but he always thought he was the one person holding her back. And loving her meant letting her go so she could be with someone who wouldn’t box her in to be someone she wasn’t.
In the beginning, she was so happy to have found someone like Jeremiah, someone who could actually relate to the grief she carried. He made her laugh in moments where the grief would come back just take over her whole being. He helped her glue what was left of her all back together. But somewhere along the line, he put pieces of himself in places where she was supposed to be. She stopped understanding who she was and what she wanted in life outside of Jeremiah.
She didn’t just want ‘safe’ anymore.
Belly wanted to feel.
To be alive. To thrive. To make mistakes.
Conrad suddenly felt this wave of guilt wash over him, hearing her talk about how she didn’t know who she was anymore. Deep down, he knows he isn’t responsible for it, but a part of him still feels like he is. If he had kept his mouth shut on the beach that night, maybe she wouldn’t be spiraling. “So why ask me to go with you to Paris?”
“That night —“ they both felt the air between them shift. Nevermind the fact that Conrad tried to take his words back, but Belly didn’t even get a chance to say her piece. “That night made me realize how much I didn’t know about myself. The confusion I felt made me come to terms with the fact that I have been so fucking lost for so long. I was turning into a version of myself that no one around me recognized. But I think it was happening to you, too.”
“We both lost ourselves over this summer. I think we've been losing ourselves for years now. I can't really explain it, but I think it came in waves."
She paused.
"But I know for a fact that it wasn’t because we did it to each other.” Belly's eyes found Conrad's and offered him a small smile, letting him know that none of this was his fault. Instantly, Conrad’s guilt was replaced by such a sweet sense of calmness. “Cousins will forever be Cousins, no doubt about it. But I think we need to stop letting it be the center of all we do.”
As painful as her words were, Conrad knew she was right. About all of it. The small worlds they had outside of the beach house were still surrogates for it. California was Conrad’s safe haven because staying in Boston reminded him of everything he had let slip carelessly through his fingers. Philadelphia and Finch were where Jeremiah always stood by her.
“I,” she said, voice steadier now, “I don’t want this to be about fixing anything. Maybe Paris is just about… finding out who we are, without everyone else telling us who we’re supposed to be.”
Conrad’s eyes softened, the corner of his mouth tugging just barely into a glimpse of hope. “Yeah,” he murmured. “Maybe that is enough.”
Conrad stared at the armchair where her hand sat. All he wanted to do was lace their fingers together and tell her that he was terrified, but in the best way possible, about what was going to happen next in Paris. But it wasn’t the right time. At least not just yet. Instead, he just smiled. “I’m glad you asked me to tag along.”
Belly pretended not to notice the hesitation in his hand as it gently moved towards hers, as if almost reaching out for her. She just smiled back at him, lightly nudging her shoulder against his. “I’m glad you said yes.”
Conrad woke up to an agitating strain in his neck. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath, making a mental note in his mind to buy a neck pillow to bring on all his flights.
He felt his heart flutter when he noticed a bit of sunlight peak through their window. He tried to reach over to lift the shade up, but something was on his shoulder.
There she was, fast asleep on his shoulder, almost like she had snuggled close enough to lean onto him. Whether she was awake or asleep, her beauty never failed to take his breath away. He loved watching her sleep — the way she always had a little grin and how her eyelashes would sometimes flutter when she twitched and turned in her sleep. One of his favorite moments when they were still together was when Belly talked in her sleep. She was so loud that she had woken Conrad up. And for almost 10 minutes that night, she just kept spitting out a string of random words. He still has the video in his ‘Favorites’ album.
Belly moved closer to him, as if her body knew that even if her sleep, it was Conrad she was looking for. Conrad felt his heartbeat begin to race. This was the closest they had ever been together in over four years.
He brought his hand up to her cheek, and to his surprise, Belly leaned into it. As he gently caressed her face with his thumb, Conrad felt tears well up at the brim of his eyes. Four years ago, they decided that it would be best if they were no longer in each other’s lives. Since then, he wondered every day if he would ever get another chance to hold her again. He had given up all hope that they would one day find their way back to one another, in any capacity at all, yet here they were, holding each other.
In that moment, it didn’t matter to Conrad if she loved him back or didn’t. She was here, actually here, and he was holding her — his Belly. She was actually back in his life, and whether it was as his friend or possibly something more, he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t lose her all over again. He wasn’t going to hurt Belly all over again and frankly, he wouldn’t survive losing her again. He barely survived it the first time.
Conrad grabbed the blanket that fell and pulled it over them and instantly, he felt the buzz of electricity between them. He was actively fighting his jet lag urges. She had such a natural yet inexplainable pull on him. Conrad had asked himself, on multiple occasions, how someone so beautiful could exist, and better yet, find her way to someone as ordinary as himself? Never mind the fact that he never came up with a proper answer, what mattered was that she was here and she was real.
All Conrad wanted to do was spend the next few hours admiring how beautiful she was. Because even in a museum filled with endless rows of artwork, nothing could capture his eyes the way looking at Belly did.
Conrad wanted to enjoy the moment even more because who knew if he would get a chance to again? As he took a quick snap of Belly on his phone, he gently laid his head on top of hers. Conrad felt his body stiffen with fear, but at the same time, he felt this sudden wave of homeyness and familiarity. It had been so long since Conrad had been in Belly’s embrace, he forgot how sweet it was to be in another person’s arms. But not just anyone’s arms — Belly’s. This was a reminder of why he never dated anyone else. Because no matter how lonely he was, Conrad knew that no one would compare to who Belly was and is to him. Even over the past four years when he lost her and she was no longer his, he never stopped being hers — even if it meant loving her from afar, even if it meant loving her and she didn’t know at all. No one compared to Belly, because to Conrad, Belly was everything to him and so much more beyond his own understanding.
Conrad always had difficulties falling asleep, but when he and Belly were together, that problem drifted away. He packed his sleeping medication in his bag, but for the first time in over three years, he didn’t feel the need to take it. Belly’s warmth and comfort was more than enough to help him drift off into a deep sleep. And right before Conrad’s eyes had gotten heavy enough to taunt him to fall asleep, he felt Belly’s hand latch onto him.