Chapter Text
If there was one thing that I was ever certain about in my life, it was that I was undoubtedly in love with Mark Edward Fishbach. I loved his voice, his personality, his appearance—he was pretty much the whole nine yards.
We began dating when we were fifteen. We were childhood friends and after a night of just talking with each other about our futures, we realized pretty quickly that both of us wanted to be more than friends. My own parents believed it was only a phase of exploration and when they realized it wasn’t, I was kicked out of my house at the age of sixteen—when they could, quite pathetically, do so.
So I lived with Mark and honestly, his parents never knew about our relationship even though we were pretty regularly fucking under the covers in his room. But nevertheless, they gave me a home and Mark gave me a safe haven and it was all I could have asked for at that time.
I moved back in with my parents my senior year when they forgave me and accepted the way I was—gay. But it wasn’t like I was treated okay, I was treated pretty miserably actually. But they were my parents and I didn’t want to hate them, I always said I loved them, but deep down, they left scars that will never be healed.
As a graduation gift from Mark, he gave me a promise ring and I treasured it with my life. We were going on three years and it was the most amazing gift I had ever received. I wore it on my right hand because I didn’t want to start rumors that we were engaged even though I had secretly hoped that it would’ve happened instead.
But what I didn’t know is that that day would never come like I had always dreamt.
Mark went off to college and my dumbass decided to take a gap year to collect my thoughts on what I wanted to do. I was just so smitten on the idea that Mark and I would get married and move in together and with his job as an engineer, I wouldn’t have to work so college would have been pointless—but, once again, that never came.
Because on January 29th, six months after Mark started college, he took me out to one of our favorite places where we kissed and shared some amazing memories and I thought for sure that it was the day that he was gonna propose and I was getting so excited until, he stopped us. He forced us apart. He looked me straight in the eyes and said to me, “I love you every much, Jack, but there is something I need to tell you.” My heart was racing and for a moment, I smiled because I thought it was happening, then he finished with, “I’ve met someone else and I took you here to tell you that I believe we need to see other people.”
My face fell, my expression changed, my heart fell into my stomach and I began to cry tears of anguish. He wrapped his arms around me and held me to him as I cried. I was never one to cry—I actually barely cried—but this was too much for me not to.
I don’t remember how long we sat there but eventually, he pushed me up and brushed the remaining tears from my cheeks as he told me that he’ll never stop loving me but he believed that we needed to see other people. I didn’t agree with him but what could I say or do that would change his mind?
I couldn’t.
I went home that night, the promise ring still on my finger as I refused to remove it right now.
It took two months, one week, three days, two hours, and fifty six minutes for me to finally remove the ring and tuck it away in a box. And that wasn’t even on my own accord, my friend Felix made me do it because he said it would bring me closure. No, it didn’t, it actually made the reality of everything worse.
And six years later, I’m still feeling the aftershocks of the break up.
And I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to think I’m an idiot for pinning after a guy that I had a high school fling with. You’re going to think that I’m not capable of moving on. But that’s not true. I’ve tried moving on, I’ve dated other men, and I’ve tried. But I just can’t live without him.
Now, here I am, present day. I work at the local bookstore in my small town and I sell books and coffee for a living. I make minimum wage and can barely make rent each month but somehow, I skim by anyway. I have one good friend and no family to support me.
Today was like every other day actually. I was sitting on the stool behind the counter enjoying a coffee that I had just made. I was shooting the shit with my coworker Emma and everything was normal.
“Well, that guy over there is pretty attractive.”
Emma pointed discreetly to a blonde haired man over by the book shelves. He was grabbing a book, opening it up to a few pages, and then stuffing it back on the shelf—no doubt in the wrong place.
“No, not my type.” I answered with a laugh.
She laughed back and nudged my shoulder in a playful way. Emma and I have been working together for two years now and we’ve grown pretty close. On occasion, I babysit her little boy Timmy and tonight would be one of those occasions.
“So, you can still watch Timmy tonight, right?” She asked looking at me in a serious manner.
“Yeah, it’s not like I have another life.” I said with a pitiful laugh.
She slapped my arm, “Jack, don’t say that. Do as I say and ‘remain positive’. Anyway, I was hoping you still were because I told him that you were watching him and he got really excited.”
“I’m really excited to watch him again.” I answered back, rubbing my arm from her hit, “So I pick him up at three right?” I asked looking at my watch and noticing it was just a little after eleven in the morning and my shift ended at noon after being here since six am.
“Correct.” Emma said with a thumbs up, her perky smile lighting up the room, “Ooh!” She said pointing towards the door as it opened, “Another potential lover at three o’clock!”
I just shoved her and laughed.
***
After going home from my shift and taking a quick nap, I got in my car and drove the few miles to Emma’s apartment where she was waiting for me. I walked up the stairs and knocked on the door. It took a few moments before the door opened and I saw Emma pop her head out. Her normal brown hair that was always thrown in a ponytail was curled down her shoulders and she was wearing a tank top and a pair of jeans.
“Oh, hey, you’re right on time.” She said inviting me inside.
I walked into her tiny little apartment that was cluttered with children’s toys and other various items. But I gave her props. She was a struggling single mom and she was trying hard to get back out there and make a good life for Timmy and she was going all she could.
“Thank you so much for this!” She said leaning over to me and kissing my cheek, “I told Timmy that you were taking him to the park so please, take him to the park.”
“Okay.” I said looking around for the little boy.
Suddenly, I heard the rambunctious footsteps running down the hall and I looked up to see Timmy running towards me with his eyes open, “Jack!” He yelled as he enveloped me in a big hug. For being only five, he was a strong little man.
“Hey, Timmy. You ready to go to the park?” He nodded his head up and down. I smiled and ruffled his hair.
“Okay, Timmy,” Emma said walking up to him and planting a big kiss on his cheek, “Mommy is going out for a while so Jack will be watching you. Remember everything I’ve told you and obey whatever Jack tells you. Do you understand that?” he nodded his head, “Okay, good. I’ll be home in time to tuck you in tonight. Love you.”
“Love you too, mommy.” He said with a smile as he hugged her tightly. He let her go and she planted another kiss on his cheek.
She stood up and waved goodbye to us as she grabbed her keys and headed out.
I grabbed Timmy’s hand and smiled, “You ready?” he nodded again and pulled me out the door.
The park was just a short walk from the apartment building. I’m actually pretty sure that the apartment building owned the park for the residents but I wasn’t sure. I’ve came here before with Timmy but it was when he was slightly younger.
Once we came into view of the park, Timmy asked if could go to the swings and I told him to just remain in my view. He nodded his head and ran off happily, mingling with the other kids at the park. I decided that I needed to sit where I could see him at all times so I took a seat against the tree near the swing set that over looked all of the park so even if he left the swings, I could still see him and where he was going.
As I sat there, I got out a book from the backpack I carried with me that was loaded with snacks and drinks and began to read. I grabbed a book quickly from my bookshelf before I left and I wasn’t even sure of the one I grabbed.
But, it turned out to be not so bad and I enjoyed the solitude of reading. Timmy came over to me after a moment and asked to go and use the bathroom so I obliged and got up from where I was sitting to take him over to the bathrooms on the opposite side of the park, just up a slight hill.
I waited for him outside of the building and I looked around at all of the people. It wasn’t an overly sunny day today but it was really warm so there were many people here. But yet again, it was the end of December in Southern California and that was expected. Kids are going to be going to be going back to school soon and parents will be never more grateful for that.
When he came back out, I took him back down to the playground and let him run ahead of me. As I grew closer, I noticed a man with a smaller child had occupied the same tree I was sitting at before. I was going to let it go until I realized that my backpack was still sitting against the bark and I didn’t want to lose it.
I walked up to them and spoke, “Excuse me, I left my bag and I just wanted to grab it.”
The man suddenly jumped and looked up at me and I felt my heart jump into my throat, “Oh, hey.”
Mark. Mark Edward Fishbach. My ex-boyfriend Mark. The Mark that broke my heart into pieces that’ll never be fixed. That Mark.
I recognized his voice and his complexion instantly. But I still couldn’t believe he was here. In front of me. After years of no communication.
“Mark?” I asked shocked.
He smiled at me and pulled the little girl in closer to him, “Jack?” He asked back.
I nodded, “So…”
“Yeah…”
This was awkward and I didn’t want to continue this anymore. I could feel tears prick my eyes and I was beginning to feel a panic attack coming on and I needed to get far away from him, fast.
I didn’t even say anything else, I just bent down, grabbed my backpack, and turned on my heels and ran the other direction. I found an empty spot by myself on the grass and I pulled my knees to my chest as I felt my breathing quicken and my breaths turn shallow. I was beginning to feel the air thicken around me and the noises become louder. I pressed my hands up to my head and nearly screamed at the hypersensitivity that was happening.
“Jack?” A small voice broke away my thoughts, “Are you okay?”
I opened my eyes and looked up to see Timmy standing in front of me with a look of concern over his face. I just nodded, “Yes, Timmy. I’ll be okay. Go back and play, okay?”
“No,” he said softly, sitting down next to me and wrapping his arms around me, “I wanna make you happy because everyone deserves to be happy.”
I smiled at him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, closing him in to me. We just sat on the grass and he told me jokes and funny stories and I found myself forgetting about him for a moment in time.
But then I saw something out of the corner of my eye and I looked up to see the same person standing over me, his hands running through his hair and a small girl attached to his leg, “Is he yours?” He asked pointing to Timmy.
I shook my head, “No, a friends.” I replied softly, “Is she—“
“Yeah, she’s my daughter. She’ll be six this November.”
I just nodded as I felt tears prick my eyes at the fact that he had a daughter. The fucking guy went from me to a woman and had a daughter. It was too much to take in and I felt the verge of another panic attack happening.
“So, I was wondering if we could catch up sometime?” he asked rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m in town for a few weeks visiting family. We could meet up for coffee.”
I shrugged, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
His hands moved down to his side and I saw the glimmer of a silver wedding band and I nearly burst into tears. He noticed that too before he suddenly hid his hand behind his back and acted like he never had shown it, “Can I at least give you my new number?” he asked.
I didn’t respond but he pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and fished through the satchel he was carrying and pulled out a blue marker. He quickly scratched down his number and handed it to me, “Please, Jack, meet up with me once.”
I felt a small hand fist my shirt and I looked down to my lap to see a curled up Timmy who was snoring softly. I grabbed the paper from Mark’s hand and put it in my backpack, “Okay.”
He didn’t say anything else. He rubbed his daughters back and said something to her and I couldn’t help but notice that he called her ‘Lily’ and a part of me died inside. Not because of that necessarily but because whenever we talked about the future, he always told me he wanted to have a daughter and name her Lily. Well, he got his wish didn’t he?
I rubbed Timmy’s back and woke him up, “You tired buddy?” I asked.
He nodded and groaned.
“Come on,” I said picking him up and carrying him, “Let’s go home then and I won’t tell your mommy that you took a nap this late.”
At the apartment, I let Timmy sleep on the couch as I put on a movie to make it look like he had fallen asleep during the movie. The whole time he slept, I never once watched the movie. I just kept thinking of how I saw Mark for the first time in so long today. It wasn’t a good feeling....
My heart would race in a way that made it feel like I was having a heart attack. My mind would wander to the memories of us and they would start off good and then it’ll go to the night where we ended. I didn’t know how to react.
Emma came home around seven and she was relieved to see that Timmy was passed out. She gave me a twenty dollar bill—which I wasn’t going to accept but she stuffed it into my pocket anyway, and then I left and went on my way.
At home, I took Mark’s number from my backpack and was ready to just throw it away when I realized that the paper wouldn’t leave my fingers to go into the bag. It just wasn’t budging. So I took the number and set it on my nightstand and then got ready for bed—even though it was only eight.
I never slept that night. I just tossed and turned.