Chapter Text
Fire roared in her ears, her lungs clogged with smoke. Her makeshift boat was rickety, the ice that encased the path around her not melting despite the heat that radiated off the island behind her. Robin tried laughing, but the sound was mangled into a sob, and, suddenly, hot liquid was streaking down her cheeks as she cried. Her screams soon turned to coughs as she spat out dark plumes of phlegm, leaving her body shaking.
She couldn’t look back behind her; she couldn’t face the fire, the heat that beat down on her shoulders and broke her skin. She couldn’t face the screams, the terror that radiated off of everything that encased the island.
It wasn’t fair. They didn’t do anything wrong, did they? They just wanted knowledge. How was that dangerous?
Soon, Robin’s sobs were the only human things she could hear as the heat behind her slowly ebbed, leaving the crying girl alone for the rest of time.
—
Chopper didn’t know when it started.
He remembered the first day he spent time with her; he had been tasked with keeping the ship safe on an island that Nami and the others wanted to explore. Of course, he wanted to prove to them all that he was strong enough and brave enough to protect their precious Going Merry, but he might’ve played around a bit. In his defense, it was just a little! Nothing more than pitching his voice up and down as he swung around the ship, his hooves making light clopping sounds as he went.
However, his game of pretend got cut short when he’d seen her, reading on the deck of the ship and got spooked; he ran like a coward into the straw hats poor attempt at an infirmary, shivering with fear as he locked the door behind him. But, somehow, she’d managed to walk in, as silent as a very practiced mouse, and scared him yet again with a question about Rumble balls. He jumped and spilled all the water they had in his desperation to protect himself. After Robin laughed, her chuckles hidden behind her hand (that was littered with little scars), she spoke about needing more water. The fur around Chopper’s cheeks fluffed up, one of his hooves scratching the back of his neck as he agreed, his embarrassed mumble quiet. He’d grabbed a barrel and they set off towards the middle of the island, hoping for some sort of water source. If only they could drink sea water, Chopper thought as he warily glanced at his crew-mate, who walked as if she were a ghost. She was as silent as one, anyways.
Robin chuckled, looking back at him. He almost squeaked as he tore his gaze away from her, his fur fluffing up yet again. It wasn’t as noticeable as it was in his normal form, since his taller, more human body had much shorter hair, but it meant that the burning in his cheeks was now visible to everyone, including her.
“Is there something on my face, doctor?” she asked, her voice smooth.
“Uh- um, no, I-” he stuttered pathetically, swallowing as her words fully registered in his brain. “I…just ‘cus you called me a doctor, doesn’t mean I’m happy- or something.”
“Of course not,” she smiled eerily. She started walking faster, getting in front of Chopper as if to lead him. She turned, eying the foliage of the island as they moved further inland. Her bangs framed her eyes as she looked over her shoulder at Chopper. “We should be getting closer to some sort of water source.”
He blinked. “How do you know?”
Her smile widened, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Chopper filed that away for later. “The plants around us are more dependent on a constant stream of water,” she said, turning back around. “And, well, there are more of them.”
Chopper suppressed another wave of embarrassment, swallowing down his sigh. He should really know these things by now.
They fell back into silence, but that was short lived since they’d found a lake less than five minutes after. It was surrounded by the grass greener than anything Chopper had ever seen; the flowers that surrounded it were just as blue the sky, which was perfectly reflected in the water that stretched in front of them. Chopper stared in awe, his brown eyes glittering as his nose twitched around, the smells so overwhelming but, at the same time, calming to someone who’d lived their entire life in a frozen tundra.
Robin patted him on his free shoulder. “You’re dropping the barrel,” she said playfully.
Chopper squeaked for the third time that day, readjusting the barrel before setting it down carefully, grumbling to himself as he rolled his shoulder. Robin hummed, shifting around the lake and pulling out her book before she sat on the grass. The wind blew her dark hair around her head as she watched Chopper carefully, her eyes narrowed in a way that made Chopper’s skin crawl; it felt like a tick was crawling down his spine, nesting underneath his skin. He itched at his back before quickly getting to work, eagerly putting the feeling behind him.
And, as the reindeer filled up the barrel with water, Robin had asked Chopper what Doctorine was like, a small smile on her face. It seemed less scary than the one before, but Chopper paused, his lungs stuttering in their movements before starting to speak, his voice soft. Robin listened to a story about a small reindeer trying to save his beloved mother from dying to an illness; if she noticed the slight waver in his voice, she didn’t say anything about it.
That was when Chopper first noticed it. The glimmer in her eye, the slight tilt in her smile, the way the skin under her eyes crinkled. It was all so familiar, the way she sat there in the sun, soaking it up like it was about to leave. She had darker skin, jet black hair that was cut and shaped into a bob with precise bangs, bright blue eyes, and less wrinkles, but all of those differences meant nothing because she was a striking image of someone he used to know.
Robin reminded him of Dr. Hiriluk.
Chopper couldn’t help but stare at her again, watching as she plucked one of the blue flowers and twirled it between her fingers. She caught his gaze, but Chopper didn’t look away this time.
Instead, he swallowed, glancing at the water. “I think we should head back soon,” he mumbled, trying to keep his voice from shaking.
Robin narrowed her eyes, but nodded, picking up her book and helping him lift the barrel back on his shoulder.
The walk through the forrest was quiet besides for the birds calls as the sky above them darkened. They followed a small river that carved its way through dirt and out to the sea; Chopper looked into its reflecting, watching as his deep, brown eyes searched his own face for any trace of the tightness he felt in his chest. When he determined that there was nothing, he huffed, turning his attention back towards the path in front of him. As the trees slowly started disappearing, and the dirt beneath their feet turned into sand, they were led out onto a beach; salt water lapped at the sand in front of them as the sky started turning darker, being painted with dark pinks and reds and oranges.
Robin looked off to the side, nodding. “I think I see the ship over there,” she noted, her fingers drumming against her chin.
Chopper followed her gaze, seeing their pirate flag hung up in the air behind a group of trees. He gave Robin a weird look before he resumed walking. “Our ship has a name, y’know,” he corrected softly, avoiding Robin’s searching gaze.
Robin only hummed in response. When Chopper glanced at her, her brow was slightly furrowed. He swallowed again, his throat now feeling strangely scratchy.
When they arrived, they were met with the rest of their ship-mates surrounding a small fire; Usopp was telling another one of his tales, and Chopper was quickly enraptured by him as the barrel was set down on the sand with a small puff. Suddenly, the imaginary tick was back, crawling up and around his fur, biting and sucking his blood. He looked over at Robin, who was watching him, her eerie but almost familiar gaze boring onto his fur, creating the tick that wiggled deep down into his skin. He looked away before his mind could make another comparison.
That night, Chopper decided that Robin was weird, but, honestly, he only seemed to attract strange people’s attention. Dr. Hiriluk was a man of many dreams, one who was outcast by greater society and decided to make a random reindeer his son; Chopper hadn’t really been in a human society, unless you count being chased by them with guns or stared at as you pulled a sleigh behind you, but he knew that Hiriluk was weird by their standards. Doctorine was a woman who preferred to be left alone, one with a hard-ass attitude paired with wisdom and a whole swath of knowledge. Luffy and the others were weird too weren’t they? Luffy was somehow both selfish and selfless, for he only did things he wanted to do, but what he wanted always benefited people who everyone else stepped on. He inspired their ragtag group to give pirate life a chance, and they, and for every second they were on that small boat, they didn’t seem to regret it.
Maybe it was because Chopper was too weird for normal people. Maybe he would never be loved by people who saw him as he hunted for groceries with Nami. Maybe they’d keep staring, forever haunted by the reindeer with a blue nose. He was trying to accept that, that being weird, or a monster, was okay, but it still felt like a sore had been implanted on his heart.
So yeah, Robin was weird, and Chopper was used to that. But he wasn’t used to her kind of weirdness.
Ever since that day, Robin kept looking at him, or talking to him, like she was fascinated by the strange creature before her. That striking resemblance that she had to Hiriluk only seemed to grow; her sharp nose, her angular face, the way she positioned herself, it all reminded Chopper of him, even though she was much more elegant with her movements, like she was conscious of every decision she could ever make. Even the sounds of her quiet chuckles were almost exactly the same as Hiriluk’s booming laugh. Everything about her seemed to bring back old memories of the now dead doctor, and each time he had to suppress the water pushing against his eyes like he was pushing rocks against a waterfall.
Now, they were preparing a launch into the sky in search for an island; Sky island. Their captain was so set on it that they couldn’t stop him if they tried. So, sensing that this was the calm before the storm, Chopper steeled his nerves and prepared more Rumble balls. The orange dust quickly turned to paste underneath the grinder as he directed it with circular motions, careful not to put too much pressure on it. The grinder was made with a whitish type rock, which stained easily, but Chopper didn’t mind. It was a gift from Vivi, so, in his eyes, it was automatically special; she could’ve given him a grinder made from trash and it would still be one of the best presents Chopper had.
One of the only presents Chopper ever had.
Robin was in the room boiling water for her coffee, the sound of her soft movement and the bubbling of chemical reactions strangely comforting to the reindeer. And, maybe it was because he had started to get a sense for her gaze, he felt Robin’s eyes turn toward him, burning holes through his fur and singeing his skin. The tick was back, circling the nape of his neck. He swallowed, scratching his back, now feeling some sort of pressure being put on him.
Chopper turned quickly, letting go of the grinder and letting the stick clatter softly onto the bowl. “Do you need something?” he asked, his tone a little aggressive. Or, well, he thought it was aggressive. Maybe he could’ve come off a little nicer, but he couldn’t help the way his fur puffed up underneath her gaze, or the ticks that would crawl on his skin. He was getting a little annoyed by it, honestly.
Robin just smiled and chuckled, hitting Chopper with the uncanny resemblance again. Her gaze still held his, even when he looked off to the side, his fur puffing up even further. “No, no,” she sighed. “I’m just surprised by your abilities, doctor.”
Chopper tried to suppress the smile that fought it’s way to his face, and how his body wanted to move, but in the end, he failed. “It doesn’t make me happy that you called me a doctor, bastard,” he mumbled, his hand awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. Damn those bugs.
Robin’s mouth twitched slightly, her smile growing. “Ah yes, of course it doesn’t,” she teased, wrinkles forming around her eyes. The bubbling of the coffee maker stopped, the sound echoing around the room until it completely ceased, the once clear water now a dark and rich brown. Chopper’s nose twitched as the strong smell of coffee permeated the air, making him wince. Robin didn’t seem to notice as she slowly started to poor it into her cup. Once she was done, her cup now steaming, she walked over towards the door. Chopper sighed and turned around, facing towards the bowl once again as the bugs were plucked from his fur.
Then, suddenly, he felt a hand on his right shoulder. He turned quickly, coming face to face with Robin.
“Don’t tire yourself out, alright?” she said. “We need you in good health.”
And she smiled that same smile Hiriluk used to give Chopper when he spoke of his dream, when he spoke of his need to be a pirate.
He just swallowed, his hooves starting to shake. “Y-yeah, I know that…um…” he trailed off, yet again blinking away tears. “Enjoy your coffee..?”
Something sad seemed to cross her face, but it passed so quickly that Chopper thought he was imagined it. Robin nodded, patting his shoulder again. “I will, Chopper.”
Robin walked out of the room, her steps making the wooden floorboards creek, and quietly closed the door behind her. Chopper just stared at the door like it had suddenly twisted into something horrifying, the wood turning into his personal monster. The lines within it revealed horns as the wood stood tall, echoing the sounds of gunshots and screams and the feeling of cold snow against his skin. The images, memories, of Hiriluk suddenly invaded is psyche once again, and this time, the tears managed to break through the rocks, falling down his face like streams of salt water.
The orange paste in the bowl was quickly forgotten, pushed aside by a hoofed hand that shook even harder. Chopper took off his hat, holding it in front of him, but he barely saw the object through his watery eyes. It shook with him, like they were one entity given life by the same old quack because, in a way, they were.
By far, grief was the worst thing he’d been given when he ate his devil fruit. Walking around on two hooves paled in comparison to the mind-numbing sadness that froze his mind for several years. And, unlike most emotions, grief refused to leave, sticking in his heart like an infected wound that refused to heal. It would come back in the worst times, reminding Chopper of what he had, what he lost, telling him that it was all his fault. Because, to him, Hiriluk’s sickness might’ve been cured if he’d been faster, if he’d been smarter. He refused to accept that it was inevitable, because it wasn’t, it wasn’t, and Chopper could’ve saved him-
Chopper’s face fell into the hat, and it caved in with him, tears soaking the fabric, making it a dark pink instead of the usual coral. His breaths were ragged as he sobbed, but he hoped that the hat in front of his face muffled the sound enough so no one else could hear him.
He didn’t want to remind them how much of a crybaby he was.
—
As someone who had lived most of her life on the run, Robin never expected to be warm, a plate full of food, and content in one night. However, the strawhat pirates always loved blowing expectations out of the water, so she shouldn’t be surprised that their chef was one of the best cooks to come from the East Blue. She couldn’t help it, though; salmon, cooked to perfection (though she didn’t really know what badly cooked salmon tasted like), sautéed asparagus with broccolini that wasn’t too bitter or too sweet, plated over perfectly smooth mashed potatoes. It would be perfect. It should’ve been perfect.
But there was someone missing, Robin noted as she looked around the table.
“Where’s Chopper?” Luffy asked through a mouthful of food, some pieces of salmon falling from his mouth.
The others at the table either shrugged or mumbled their ‘I don’t know’s’, but they exchanged glances they didn’t include Robin in on. She watched as Luffy went back to eating, stuffing his mouth again even though it was full.
Robin sighed, picking at her mostly untouched food. She twirled her fork through the mashed potatoes, her stomach flipping a little when she thought about eating anything. Her appetite had been squandered as soon as she noticed their missing member, no matter how hungry she’d been before.
That might be a problem, she thought, grimacing to herself.
“Probably off doing doctory things.” He nodded, talking to no one in particular.
Robin cleared her throat, drawing the attention of everyone around her. “Last I saw him, he was working on making more Rumble Balls,” Robin said, lightly placing down her fork and knife as one of her hands touched her chin. “He might’ve just lost track of time.” She thought for a second before looking down at her plate. “I’ll take this down to him, just in case.”
Sanji immediately stood up, a sweetened smile on his face. “No, no! Don’t bother,” he smiled wider, “I can get him a plate! No need to worry yourself with him.”
Anger snapped up her throat from her gut because 1) who does he think he is, ordering her around? And, 2) she should check on Chopper and his teary eyes; who knows, this chef could hurt him-
Robin paused. Why did she care so much about this? Sanji had known Chopper longer than she had.
Before that could send her into a spiral, she smiled, forcefully pushing those thoughts away. “That’s very sweet of you, but I should probably check on him,” she lightly declined his offer, standing up from her chair quickly. She grabbed her plate as Sanji visibly deflated. “He seemed a little…high strung earlier.”
His teary eyes had been burned in her minds eye, reminding her of a girl who’d lost everything to a fire-
“Really?” Usopp asked, his eyes becoming a little more fearful. “He might be sick! I heard him coughing earlier!”
Nami sighed and clicked her tongue, leveling the sniper with a look. “Uh, no?” she shook her head. “He told me that it’s hard for him to get sick because of his different biology.”
“Uh, he’s obviously wrong?” Usopp rolled his eyes back at her, making Nami clench her fist tighter where it had wrapped around her fork. “I heard him! He’s definitely sick.”
“Usopp’s always right,” Luffy noted.
“Oh shut it!” Nami yelled as she hit both of them on the head. “It’s Chopper’s damn body, and he’s the best doctor we could ask for! You guys are fucking idiots.”
Robin chuckled, clenching the back of her chair with her unoccupied hand.
Zoro stared at her, his eyes calculating. “You gonna eat any of that?” he asked as the others yelled around them, Sanji joining in on their fight.
Robin’s smile tightened. “Just not hungry, I guess.”
Before any more questions could be lobbed her way, Robin made her escape, briskly walking out the dining room door with her plate in hand. She walked down towards the infirmary, careful not to drop the plate as the soft, salty wind from the sea blew through the deck. The wood beneath her feet creaked with every step, making her wince a little; they had to get this ship checked out soon before it broke into a million pieces. She sighed, turning the corner and walking down the small hallway until she was face to face with the infirmary door.
She knocked quietly; it was the only sound in that part of the ship, minus her soft breathing. “Doctor?” she asked, her voice barely audible over the wind rocking the ship. “You missed dinner.”
No answer.
She knocked on the door for a second time. “Doctor?” she repeated, her voice slightly shaky.
Again, no response.
Her eyes narrowed, her fist tightening as it lingered over the door in front of her. She let it fall against the wood, her fingernails tracing the patterns that naturally came with it. Something within her shook as her gut clenched.
Robin shook her head. “Alright. I’m coming in.”
She opened the door quietly, trudging through into the dark room as if it were filled with unseen horrors. She couldn’t see at first, so she waited patiently for her eyes to adjust to the dim light, even though it felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest and land in front of her, soaking the deck with blood. Her patience was being tested, she thought ruefully as she began to make out the basic shapes in front of her. Immediately, her eyes landed on a small figure in a chair.
Chopper was face down on the desk, his head smushed against the hat that lay in front of him, not moving. She couldn’t see his chest rising and falling. It struck her as she felt bile jump into her throat; she’d never seen Chopper be so still before. She walked over, quickly placing the plate down on the desk beside the dark figure. Her hands shook as she checked his pulse, half expecting her two fingers to be covered in blood.
Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.
His heartbeat was strong against Robin’s hand, reminding her of a beating drum. She relaxed, letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding as her fingers slowly left his neck. She listened closely, breathing a sigh of relief when she heard him inhale. She couldn’t repress her smile as she realized the small doctor had a nap; but that smile turned into a frown as she caught sight of the unfinished Rumble Balls that had been pushed to the side. Just how tired had he been to fall asleep while working?
Robin sighed, grabbing his hat, carefully letting his head fall against the desk as she tried puffing the dent out of the pink fabric.
She stopped when she felt how wet it was, concern once again flipping through her brain. She slowly sniffed it, making sure it didn’t smell like the iron of blood, and, when it smelled like nothing, she frowned.
Then, she heard a whine coming from in front of her, followed by the soft sniffles of crying.
Well, at least she knew what the liquid was now.
She placed it down on the floor and kneeled in front of Chopper once again, bringing her hand up to brush his cheek. Suddenly, she remembered the image of the reindeer holding back tears as she smiled at him, and her hand stopped moving.
“Chopper?” she asked softly.
“Don’t leave me,” he whimpered in his sleep, grabbing out at Robin’s hand. He squeezed her’s once he found it, slowly but surely curling into her shoulder.
Robin stopped moving. “I won’t,” she answered as she stiffened.
Her home burning down, the heat on the back of her neck, her own tears soaking through her face, fire, fire, fire, fire-
That seemed to calm the poor sleeping boy down, and he didn’t talk in his sleep after that. Parts of her shirt started to get soaked with salty tears, but she didn’t care much about that; it was just a shirt. She scooped the reindeer up, using her powers to pick up Chopper’s hat and the plate that wasn’t warm anymore. Making sure not to jostle him, Robin walked over to the men’s quarters, opening the door with another hand she conjured. She set him down on the lowest hammock, slowly pulling her other hand out of his grasp. She placed his hat on his chest, smiling softly as he grabbed onto it in his sleep. Her hand brushed his cheek before she startled, snatching it away like she’d been burned.
“Goodnight, Doctor,” she whispered, leaving the room and closing the door behind her. As she walked on the deck, the night air seemed to hold something sinister as the wind whispered through the wood; as she got closer to the kitchen, she strained her ears, waiting to hear the sounds of fighting. She could hear loud voices, but they lacked any kind of bite to them, instantly making Robin relax a little more .
Robin opened the door; it creaked on it’s hinges until it was completely open, revealing Robin, the plate, and her soaked shirt to the rest of the group. They all stared at her, their desserts (which were just a couple of bowls of ice cream) spread around the table as Sanji washed up in the kitchen while the others played a card game she didn’t recognize.
“I’m sorry, but Chopper was asleep,” she said, her voice stiff. She placed the plate onto the counter. “Is there anywhere I can put this to save it?”
Sanji was the first one to snap out of it. The others looked at each other and shrugged, pretending not to eavesdrop as he sprinted over from where he was washing the dishes. He almost tripped on the floorboards before he snatched the plate from her. “Please don’t worry about it, Robin dearest.” He smiled. His gaze lingered on her as she sat down. “Is everything alright?”
Robin sighed again, her fingers drumming against the table in front of her as everyone at the table started staring at her again. Sanji could be heard moving around the kitchen. “Does the doctor suffer from chronic nightmares?”
Nami furrowed her brow, tilting her head. “He doesn’t have a great track record,” she noted absentmindedly.
“Oh god, what if his nightmares have been caused by a sickness that’s raged through him for weeks?” Usopp fretted. “I knew it! We should’ve been more careful-”
“Usopp,” Zoro deadpanned, cutting off the snipper, his right hand firmly holding a bottle of sake as he nodded in Robin’s direction.
Luffy leaned in. “He wakes up a lot.” He nodded. “Says weird stuff.”
Zoro sighed, his eyes calculated as he stared directly at Robin. “What do you know about, ah…‘chronic’ nightmares?” he paused, turning to Nami. “What does chronic even mean?”
Robin felt something roll in her stomach, defensiveness crawling up her throat and onto her tongue until-
Nami rolled her eyes. “It means, like, something that can happen over long periods of time and, umm, doesn’t go away easily.” She wave her hand around. “So chronic nightmares-”
“Yeah, yeah, I ain’t stupid. I got it,” Zoro interrupted.
Nami scowled. “Could’ve fooled me.”
The two of them devolved into pointless bickering as Sanji joined them at the table, his nervous energy coming out in him drumming his hands against the table in front of him. Usopp patted him on the shoulder, looking back at Robin with a conspiratorial look. Luffy stretched his head around so it practically hung off of her shoulder, curiosity dancing in his eyes.
“Why are we talkin’ about nightmares?” Luffy asked, tapping her shoulder with his chin as his elongated neck bounced up and down.
Sanji spluttered as Usopp hid his laughter behind his hand. Robin smiled, pushing the uncomfortable churning in her gut down as she poked his cheek, subtly putting a few inches between her shoulder and his head.
“The doctor was asleep when I got down there,” she said, opening her mouth to continue until Usopp interrupted her. “And-”
“Why don’t you just call him Chopper?” he asked, his cheek smushed against his hand as he leaned on it.
“Don’t interrupt a lady while she’s talking!” Sanji snapped, pushing Usopp’s shoulder.
“Okay, okay!” Usopp put his hands up placatingly. “I got it!” He glanced at Robin, wincing. “Sorry.”
Robin smiled as Luffy laughed, saying something about how Sanji was funny. “It is no problem, dear sniper,” she stated. “And, well, to answer your question, I guess I never really thought about it.” She tilted her head. “Would you like me to call you by your names?”
Usopp shrugged innocently. “Eh, I don’t really care.”
“I like being called captain!” Luffy noted simply.
“I shall not dignify that question with an answer because any woman could do anything and it would not be my place to tell her to stop!” Sanji said, his eyes magically turning into hearts.
Usopp cringed. “We gotta change that mindset of yours at some point…”
Robin chuckled, once again pushing Luffy’s head away from her shoulder. “As I was saying,” she cleared her throat, “the doctor was asleep, and he seemed to be experiencing a nightmare. I took him to the men’s quarters, but…I was just curious if this is a regular occurrence.”
Usopp nodded sagely, his eyebrows scrunched. “Yeah, he gets…” he shrugged, “weird dreams.” He looked from side to side and leaned in. “He hasn’t had a great life. From where he’s from, people didn’t treat him the best.” Usopp leaned in further. “And he lost one of the only people who did, uh, like him.”
Luffy’s hat seemed to shade his eyes. “Bad,” he said, his voice slightly menacing.
Sanji rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at the table and opting to stay quiet.
“Those people were fucking idiots,” Zoro spoke up from where he sat.
Nami, for once, agreed with him, her short, orange hair bobbing up and down as she nodded. The others joined in, and Robin couldn’t help the way her stomach sank as Luffy laughed, his neck snapping back to his body.
The others barreled on into their own conversations, but Robin couldn’t hear over the ringing in her ears, the sounds of the others’ mouths opening and their teeth clacking against one another. Her heart was loud, roaring like the fire on that damn island as everything cracked around her.
The teary eyed looks, the bated breathes, the guarded posture that only seemed to happen around Robin made so much sense now. She thought Chopper was just terribly shy or something, and, to some extent, he was, but now all of those memories had soured into something she couldn’t stomach. She was overstepping, and she didn’t even know, but really, she should’ve. She’s smarter than this; her cunning nature is something she prides herself on. She managed to escape certain capture for years upon years, make a deal with one of the Seven Warlords and escape certain doom.
Even if she wished that certain doom had killed her.
But she should’ve known the signs. She’d been through it herself.
“Robin?” Nami’s voice brought her back to the present. Everyone was talking to each other, but Robin could feel Zoro’s eyes on her. That damn swordsman. “Are you-?”
“I’m fine,” she responded curtly, a strained smile on her face. She stood up suddenly, smiling sweetly at Nami as Robin held her shaking hands behind her back. “It’s just getting late for me, that’s all.”
Nami narrowed her eyes, glancing at the clock placed near them. “I mean…okay, sure,” she mumbled. “Good night.”
Robin’s forced smile tightened as she waved towards the rest of the crew and nodded at Nami. She quietly left the table, leaving towards the women’s quarters as the Merry bobbed along in the ocean. The rocking, which she usually found comforting, now made her feel nauseous, like there was no escape from this retched sea, that she would be trapped here forever, cursed to run from her past until she took her last breath. She didn’t even remember opening the door to the women’s quarters before she was sitting on her bed, staring at nothing in particular.
Bile kept rising from her stomach and into her mouth, but it didn’t cross the threshold of her tongue, which she was thankful for. She swallowed, over and over again, pushing it back down her throat as dread kept circling in her stomach. She put her hand to her face, rubbing patterns into her eyes.
She should’ve known.
The heat on her neck, the sound of a funny laugh, her mom’s arms around her shoulders, the feeling of an ice path guiding her boat to safety-
As she opened her eyes, hand moving to her chin, Robin caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror as the boat rocked in the background. The dark circles beneath her eyes and her strong cheekbones were prominent in the soft light of the quarters, making her look haunted. The ends of her hair split in different directions, warning her that she probably needed a haircut soon. Her long, boney fingers were white at the knuckles from how hard she had them clenched.
She didn’t look all that different than her eight year old self on that very fateful day.
Robin rubbed her eyes again, waiting for the grief to subside; but, like always, it didn’t, a constant reminder of her mistakes. She waited, and waited, before getting up and changing into something that would be more comfortable to sleep in. And, as she slipped into bed, her hair spreading out on the pillow, she stared at the ceiling, guilt crawling up her throat once again. She sighed, closing her eyes and waiting for sleep to take her.
—
Chopper felt weird when he woke up the next day; not ill, or anything, just weird, like some part of his DNA had been altered, hands reaching down from the sky above him. It was nagging anxiety that was just there, eating holes through his brain like it was a moth attached to cloth. The ticks were back in full force, eating their way around his body. He pushed it aside, and slowly walked up to the kitchen, entering through the creaky wooden doors as he licked his lips. The air smelled like pancakes.
Usopp, Zoro and Sanji were the only ones currently awake; it made sense, though, since Zoro was the third watch that night, and Ussop usually likes to check the Merry for any damage early each morning, and Sanji has to wake up to cook for everyone.
“And that’s when-” Usopp was telling another one of his stories, taking a break to drink some water when his eyes made contact with Chopper’s, and suddenly, he was spitting out all of the water onto Zoro, who, unfortunately, was sitting next to him.
“What the fuck?!” he yelled, glaring daggers at Ussop before he followed the sniper’s gaze and he too looked at Chopper. He sighed, glaring back at him before his gaze softened ever so slightly when looking at the smaller reindeer. He nodded, wiping the water off of his face with the back of his hand. “Oi, Chopper.”
“Oh my god, Chopper, you scared me-” Usopp wheeze, hand on his chest as he coughed. “We need to- to put a bell on you, or- or something!”
Chopper scuffed his feet against the ground, smiling a little.
“Fucking clean up my kitchen, assholes!” Sanji shouted, turning behind to scowl at the two, though it didn’t seem he was mad at them for just spilling harmless water.
“What?!” Zoro argued, turning his ire towards the cook as Usopp stood there like a deer in headlights. “I didn’t do anything!”
“Clean. It. Up,” Sanji said through gritted teeth, throwing two towels at them with a huff. “Sorry ‘bout that, Chopper. Did you…” he paused, tilting his head. “Did you sleep alright?”
If it were a different day, Chopper might’ve giggled at his crews antics, but something about today dug under his skin, a new sort of spider (maybe a vampire spider! Yucky) sucking his blood until there was none left. He itched his neck, staring down at the tattered wooden flooring of the kitchen as he shrugged.
“I dunno,” he said halfheartedly, his hooves scuffing the ground. “I guess it was fine…?” He paused, looking back at Sanji. His stomach dropped upon seeing the man’s sullen expression. “Wait, wait- Did something happen? Is someone hurt?!”
Sanji was silent for a couple of moments, Ussop following in his footsteps with his eyes as big as saucers, before Zoro spoke up, saying, “Eh, thought I saw a Marine ship early this morning. Nami was up making sure we were on the right path and freaked out when I told her. So,” he shrugged. “We’re just a little on edge.”
“Oh.” Chopper gulped.
The room fell into awkward silence as the reindeer just stood there, not sure if he was even allowed in anymore. He felt like a circus attraction locked in a small cage just for people to stare. He felt like he was back in those woods, being chased by gunshots and yelling and oh so loud footsteps. He felt like a monster being fought back on that mountain, laughter and the sounds of explosions going off around him.
Ussop wiped down the table, coughing a little into his hand. “Well, no worries, Chopper!” he said, his voice a little rough around the edges. “I chased them off! Protected us from the Marines.” He studied his nails as his body straightened with confidence. “I’m just so strong, you know. Shot at them with my slingshot and everything.” He pulled his weapon out, pulling back the string as he bit his tongue in concentration.
Chopper’s eyes widened as he was engrossed in a tale of how Usopp shot giant cannonballs out of the slingshot he had in hand, aiming straight for the belly of the beast that was the giant ship that belonged to the Marines. Chopper giggled, watching in awe as Usopp showed off his muscles, posing with one arm outstretched, the other flexing as he set his foot down on his chair. Zoro quickly slapped him on the back, barking at him to get down before leaning his feet against the table, much to Usopp’s chagrin and Sanji’s dismay. Chopper sat down across from Usopp, sitting next to Zoro, the latter patting him on the head before shooting him a small smile.
“Anything you want for breakfast?”
Chopper looked at him, shrugging. “I mean, we’re having pancakes, right?”
Suddenly, a plate of steaming hot buttery delicious looking pancakes were dropped in front of him; different assortments of fruit, a handful of chocolate chips and a healthy dollop of whipped cream came with them. Chopper looked up, beaming at Sanji as the cook smiled back.
“Wonderful nose as always, Chopper!” Sanji nodded, wiggling his eyebrows in a funny way.
That made Chopper laugh, dancing around as he said, “That doesn’t make me happy, asshole!”
As Sanji gave the other two their plates (Zoro’s were completely plain, while Usopp’s had strawberries and blueberries covering every inch of his), Chopper dug in, his mood significantly better than it was before.
But something still felt wrong, the ice under his skin growing as Usopp flashed him concerned looks out of the corner of his eye.
Chopper narrowed his eyes at Usopp. “You’re acting weird,” he mumbled. He paused, dread creeping in. “You’re not hurt, are you?!”
Usopp startled. “W-huh?! Well- no,” he stuttered. “Maybe I am a bit sore from fighting off those Marines…tough stuff, y’know…”
Chopper tilted his head as Zoro rolled his eyes. “I can show you things to do to make the aches go away!” he said, nodding vigorously.
He felt someone pat his back; he looked up at Zoro, who stared at him with a downright evil expression. “Or I can always get him in the gym with me. Toughen him up a little.”
“WHAT?! NO!!!”
Chopper tried his best to calm the situation (aka, Usopp hysterically crying as Zoro rolled his eyes at his antics) before Sanji came over, hitting them both on the heads and causing Zoro to leap out of his seat. The two started fighting as Usopp continued to cower in the corner of the kitchen, shaking his head, saying ‘I don’t wanna die! Zoro’s gonna kill me with his giant two hundred pound weights!’
Thankfully, Nami and Luffy walked in, the former easily ending Zoro and Kanji’s impromptu scuffle with bonks to their heads. Luffy just stood there, laughing as he scooped Chopper up in his arms and, sadly, stole all his food in one bite.
But something was wrong, something he couldn’t place. Someone was missing.
Chopper only felt weirder as Nami handed him a small tangerine, smiling and winking before her eyes turned into something downcast.
Maybe the feeling was Chopper’s fault; it wouldn’t be the first time. The weird feeling from earlier hit him full force again, even though he was surrounded by the laughter of his friends. He should be happy, because this is all he ever wanted, but there he was, staring at his now empty plate, a strong sense of loneliness in his stomach. Or maybe it was homesickness. At this point, who really knows?
As if sensing this change, Luffy only hugged him tighter where he had the reindeer in his lap, his rubber arms wrapping around Chopper.
“Hey, why’re you sad?” his captain asked, his voice quieter than Chopper had ever heard it. “Don’t cry.”
“…I’m not sad?” Chopper lied, looking up at his captain.
Luffy’s eyes narrowed, and Chopper felt a shiver of fear run though his spine. So that’s what their enemies saw before they got pummeled into the ground.
Then, he shrugged, humming to himself as he stole more food off of Zoro’s plate.
Eventually, Chopper was able to wiggle himself out of Luffy’s hold, escaping back down into the infirmary. He grimaced, smelling the scent of pungent moldy oranges before checking his desk; he groaned once he saw the unfinished Rumble Ball paste. He threw it away, his heart falling through his chest as the contents spilled overboard before he quickly ran back inside.
Chopper prepared to make more Rumble balls, his hooves working swiftly as he pulled out more paste, grinding it into soft circles and letting the monotonous work lull him into a sense of safety. But his mind kept wandering, strings pulling his brain from his body.
The crew had been acting a little weird. Or, well, Usopp and Nami and Sanji and maybe even Zoro- even Luffy asked him if he was sad, and-
Robin.
…
Robin wasn’t there.
Chopper shook his head as his hands stopped making Rumble Balls. He quickly resumed, his hooves a little shakier.
Okay. He was right, obviously. He wasn’t stupid. At least, he liked to think he wasn’t. Something was weird. They were all acting a little more strange than usual. With their looks that put ticks in his skin and an ache in his head. Maybe- oh god, did he do something bad yesterday? Did he say something weird? Did they hate him now? And they were going to kick him out, throw him overboard, and-
Robin- he said something weird to Robin, didn’t he? And now she couldn’t stand to be around him- she hated him- she was disgusted with him, scared of him, oh god, oh god-
Chopper breathed heavily, a sudden homesickness punching him in the gut as he pulled the Rumble Balls out of the grinder and onto the counter with a soft clink. He covered his face with his hands, shaking slightly. He jumped down from his chair, his head pounding as the homesickness, as all those feelings, started controlling his body. Suddenly, he pulled out one of his many journals from the drawers near his desk, and ripped a page out of it. He got out his pen and ink, slowly opening the top of the dark black liquid so it wouldn’t spill. He put the end of the feathered pen into the darkness, waiting a few seconds before tapping it on the edge and putting pen to paper.
The sound of desperate writing started to fill the wooden room.
Dear Doctorine,
He paused, looking down at the letters, and took a deep breath before continuing.
It’s Chopper! I don’t know how much I can tell you through writing. You always told me to be careful of prying eyes, and now that I’m a pirate, I’m even more wary of that fact. But when I have to make an important decision, I always end up telling myself, “What would Doctorine do?”. It’s weird and silly, I know, but it’s sort of like you’re here with me, telling me right from wrong.
No. No no no. That’s too personal for her. She wouldn’t like it. She would throw it away.
So, Chopper started again. He crumpled up the last page, leaving it on the floor, and ripped out another one from the same journal.
Dear Doctorine,
I hope you’re doing well! You should know that I’m learning and reading everyday. I’m still collecting medical books to study, just like you taught me. My new crew mates are quite the hassle; they get into trouble all the time. I don’t mind cleaning them up, though.
I wish you were here. I miss you.
No. She’d hate that too. Chopper yet again crushed the paper in his hooves, leaving it to die on the floor. When he got out a new paper, a new feeling started wrapping around his skin; instead of pushing it away, he allowed the feeling to take over, a new sense of direction pointing him towards the unknown.
Dear Doctorine,
Sometimes, I think I hear your voice when I’m about to fall asleep; I remember you walked into my room when you thought I was out cold, and you’d pat my head, tucking me in. And even now, I still expect someone to open up the door to the men’s sleeping quarters and kiss my forehead, telling me everything’s going to be alright. But that’s not what happens on this ship, and I think I’d feel too weird to ask that of anyone.
That’s the thing, isn’t it? Nobody here is you. And that’s fine! I don’t expect them to be. It just makes me feel like I chose the wrong path, like I should’ve stayed on Drum island for the rest of my life. But, deep down, I think we both knew I couldn’t, that I had to get away from those people who chased me away for my blue nose. I don’t blame them, not really. Even the crew still acts weird around me. And they’re weirdos. Weirdos that accepted me. And they said they think I’m cute. Which doesn’t make me happy in the slightest, you know. But I can’t help but notice that they walk on eggshells around me. I’m not stupid, but maybe, maybe they think I am. They said they wanted a doctor; maybe they wanted one so bad that they’d accept a stupid one.
I miss you. I don’t know when I’ll come back. Maybe I won’t. And that’s the scary thing that keeps me up some nights. I don’t want to die out here, and make you second guess wether you should hold a funeral or accept the fact that maybe I never wanted to come back. And, knowing me, I’d die in the most preventable way, with no one around me, and my crew wouldn’t be around, and they’d leave me. Isn’t that messed up? To assume they’d be so horrible as to do that? Because I know they wouldn’t, but I’m so scared, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
I’m a coward
Chopper stopped writing when he noticed a drop of water smudging the ink he’d scribbled onto the paper. And then, he watched as another fell onto it. Then another. Finally, he stupidly noticed that he was crying, and when he did, he felt his chest start heaving, sobs ripping out of his lungs. He pushed the paper out of his lap, burying his head in his hands.
Then a knock at the door practically scared him shitless. He squeaked, jumping up so far that his hat bumped violently against the table, rattling everything on the wooden platform.
“Chopper?” Zoro’s voice came in from the other end of the door. “You in there?”
Chopper was silent for a second before coughing, wiping aggressively at his eyes before rubbing around the fur on his cheeks. “Yeah,” he answered with a shaky voice. “Yeah, I’m here.”
Silence again. It was unbearable for the reindeer.
“Can I come in?” Zoro’s voice was careful, making Chopper sit up straight.
Quickly, Chopper forgot all about the papers on the floor, getting up from his crouch and jogging over to the door. He opened it, peering through the crack before ushering the swordsman inside. Thousands of worse-case scenarios ran through his mind, one name running circles in it-
Oh god, what if Robin was sick, or hurt, and he didn’t think to check on her? Stupid, stupid, stupid-
“What happened?” Chopper said after he closed the door, getting out his stethoscope from his back pocket. It wouldn’t hurt to check Zoro’s vitals- “Is it serious? Maybe-”
“I’m not hurt,” he said flatly, crossing his arms as he stared down at Chopper. “Stop worrying.”
Chopper huffed, putting his tool away again. “I’m not worrying, I’m-” he paused. “I’m perfectly normal.”
Suddenly, Zoro crouched down, studying his face. Chopper startled a little, stepping back. “…Are you okay?” he asked, his voice growing softer. His hand twitched by his side.
Chopper felt dread start to pool in his stomach. “I’m fine,” he said.
More awkward silence settled over them, and neither of them were quick to break it. Chopper swallowed, turning around to continue cleaning up the mess made out of crumpled up paper. He felt the swordsman’s eyes digging into his skin, so he glanced behind him; Chopper caught Zoro’s eyes immediately, causing him to jump and focus even harder on getting rid of the papers. Zoro cleared his throat once, letting his back fall against the column in the middle of their self appointed med bay. He shifted around on the ground to get more comfortable, crossing his legs.
“So…” the swordsman started casually. “You’ve been writing.”
Chopper stopped cleaning for a second before continuing. His hoof hovered over the most recent not he had written. “Yeah. A little,” he answered, hanging his head. “Didn’t work.”
“I see.”
More silence.
“Robin wasn’t at breakfast,” he noted randomly.
Chopper felt something stick in his throat. “Is she-?”
“Nami brought her food. She seems fine,” Zoro interrupted. “I already told you to stop worrying.”
Silence.
“Why are you here, Zoro?” Chopper asked, surprising himself, not turning around to see the face Zoro was making. He felt like he was going to throw up from anxiety; maybe the swordsman was here because he was mad at him, or he was here to throw him off the ship, or-
“You left early,” he said simply, eyeing the half-empty plate on the table above Chopper. “Luffy said you were sad, or. Something.”
“He did?” Chopper asked dumbly, still staring at the letter.
Zoro sighed. “Yeah.” He looked over at the notes on the ground.
Chopper’s breath hitched. “You were acting weird this morning.”
“We weren’t,” Zoro responded, his voice carefully monotone. “Just shaken up.”
“Don’t do that,” Chopper snapped, a bite returning to his voice that hadn’t been there since his departure from Drum Island. “I’m not stupid, Zoro."
Zoro went quiet, his eyes widening a little. Chopper immediately felt his stomach drop, guilt gripping his heart with its icy-cold talons as Zoro’s face went blank. It was an expression Chopper wasn’t used to seeing on his face, one that only appeared before he hit someone in the stomach with the hilt of his sword.
“I- I mean,” he stuttered, “I’m- I didn’t mean that, I…I’m sorry!” He was going to throw Chopper overboard. They all hated him. “What happened? Did I-” Chopper paused, finally turning to look at Zoro. “If I did something yesterday-”
Zoro raised his hand, placing it on Chopper’s shoulder. “No, no,” he said softly. “Chopper, you didn’t do anything.”
“But- but you all- Robin- she hates me! I-”
“What?” Zoro asked.
“You- she-”
“Hey, no,” Zoro butted in, cutting off Chopper before he could finish his sentence. “You did nothing,” he pursed his lips, “Nobodies mad at you. Robin doesn’t hate you. I promise.”
Chopper rubbed his eyes, pushing more tears back (he was really getting tired of doing that, honestly). He nodded curtly, his back still towards Zoro. The words written on the paper before him were mocking him, his deepest fears staring back at him. He couldn’t bare to look at them anymore, re-reading them in his own voice. He turned away from the paper, backing out from underneath his desk.
Chopper looked at the ground near Zoro, glancing up at his face every couple of seconds as his heels bounced up and down, clicking when they hit the wood. Zoro sighed, arms opening as a silent invitation. Chopper quickly accepted it, walking (more like running) over to the swordsman. Arms were wrapped around him, and he was brought into a bone crushing hug. Chopper sniffled, and soon, those sniffles turned into soft cries. Zoro, thankfully, didn’t say anything about it.
“You should talk to her, if you’re so scared,” Zoro said. “Then you’ll know.”
“O-okay…”
…
“The shitty cook saved some pancakes. If you want some.”
“…Really?”
“Yeah. Maybe you could take some to Robin.”
“…Yeah. Yeah. Okay.”