Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

✧ Loop 5 ✧

You made it to the third floor!

You’re finally getting the hang of this whole time loop thing.

The doors being blocked by the King’s hair is kind of weird, but you just need something sharper than your dagger to cut it with. The floors have been getting bigger as you go, so there must be something here you can use.

The Sadnesses have also been getting stronger as you go, but so are you. Not by that much, but you always have an advantage in numbers, so that doesn't really matter.

If you keep up this pace, you’ll defeat the King in no time!

Ha, it really will be in no time for everyone else. You’ll help save Vaugarde with this blessing, and nobody will even know!

You hide your grin in the collar of your cloak.

Time to explore.

You go to the right, first. It hasn’t steered you wrong yet.

You defeat the couple of Sadnesses in your way for the experience, find a room, and have a terrible realization: The single chain you’ve found in the House so far doesn’t fit the bell pendant.

Nothing ever goes right in your life!!!

Oh, well.

Backtracking and heading up, the first door you run into is locked. You’ll need to find the key for it.

Moving on from there, you keep going up until you see a wall of tears and another door.

You enter the room.

Keys, keys, keys…

It’s weirdly empty here. There’s a bunch of junk on the ground you can’t make out very well, but it sounds metallic when you step on it. Could there be a key hidden there?

You walk forward and keep looking, sweeping the floor with your eyes. Even if you have as many tries as it takes, you refuse to miss another key.

…Blinding key taped to that blinding desk…

…Nothing looks like a key so far.

You notice there are paintings on the walls when you catch them in the edge of your vision, but you keep looking over the floor until you hit a dead end.

You look up.

And you realize you are standing in front of a mirror.

Your allies are reflected in it.

You.

Are.

Not.

“...Siffrin?”

You turn on your heels and look at Mirabelle.

She looks terrified.

All of your allies look terrified.

“Where’s your--”

✧ Loop 5 ✧

You see a wall of tears and another door.

You stutter to a stop. Wait.

Did you just loop?

But you didn’t even die?!?!?!

Okay! Sure! You guess that’s a thing that can happen!

Why is that a thing that can happen???

Think, Siffrin. You need to defeat the King. You know that. Whoever or whatever gave you this blessing, it’s so you can save Vaugarde.

And if your allies know what you are, they won’t let you fight alongside them, will they?

Monsters don’t belong on their side.

So…

So you can’t let them find out.

…As usual, then.

You go back the way you came, avoiding the mirror room completely.

“Oh, we’re going this way now!” Isabeau says.

“Did you not want to check that room?” Odile asks.

Mirabelle gasps. “Was it dangerous???”

You nod and keep walking.

You tear the rest of the floor apart looking for the key to that door, for something sharp to use, anything, but you turn up nothing. There are too many locked doors and paths blocked by tears.

[Sorry, stardust! You’re really going to need to check that last room.]

You flinch when you hear Loop’s voice in your head and get the vague feeling that you can’t progress. How are you supposed to go in without your party seeing what you are?

Urgh. You’ll have to talk this out with Loop.

Casually, at the same pace you would use to walk up to a door or an item, you approach the nearest group of tears and plunge your hand inside.

✧ Loop 6 ✧

“Heya, stardust! How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?” Loop kicks their legs out, just as playful and annoying as they were last loop.

You need to know how to get in that room. “What should I do next?”

“What should you do? Well… You’ve made it to Floor 3, and you need to search that room with the mirror in it to progress. But you can't let your party see you! What a dilemma!”

Yeah, you know.

“There are a few ways you can get them to not follow you inside. After your snack break, you can suggest splitting up--”

Not happening.

“Or maybe not! Say, didn't your Housemaiden ask about the room being dangerous? You can use that, can't you?”

Can you?

It's your job to take care of traps, even if you're bad at it. If you told your allies that the room was trapped and that you needed to go in alone to deal with it, would they believe you?

“You've got all day to come up with a good lie,” Loop says with a glimmer in their eyes. “You can do it! I believe in you, stardust!”

Yeah, you guess you do have all day.

“Alright, that's all,” you say as you stand.

“See you later, stardust!”

They wave at you excitedly.

You wave back as you go.

You gather up everything in Dormont, go to the sleepover, and climb your way back up the House.

In your downtime, you try to come up with a lie your allies will believe.

They don't know that you're terrible at your job yet, and you don't want to tip them off about that when you get to the mirror room. Would it be better to be specific or vague? Rush ahead or risk them seeing inside?

You guess it doesn't matter too much. You can try again as many times as you want!

Once you make it to the third floor, you head straight to the mirror room door.

You peek inside, make a show of looking for a little longer, then turn back to your allies.

“Room’s trapped.”

Mirabelle gasps. “Is it another rock trap?”

Uh. You shrug. “I'll need to take a closer look. Can you wait here?”

“Sure thing, Sif!” Isabeau leans casually against the wall.

“If it really is another rock trap, we should stand away from the door.” Odile says, taking a few steps back with Bonnie. “Is there a way to disarm it without triggering it, Siffrin?”

Uh. “...Trade secret.”

“Of course. I'll leave you to it then. Just don't trap yourself in there,” she says with a grin.

…

“Yeah, don't be stupid and get stuck in there,” Bonnie adds.

You sigh and slip into the room.

…Okay.

That was easier than you thought it would be.

Now you just need to search the room.

Littered with junk.

By yourself.

…

Something glints ahead of you.

You look up. It's the mirror.

Loop is pointing out the mirror to you. Is this their idea of a joke?

No, they aren't just pointing out the mirror. They're bringing your attention to the side of it.

You walk up to the mirror and run your hand along the frame.

You feel something. A button?

Oh, it's a switch.

You flick it—

The room flashes darkless! You cover your eyes!

“Hsssssss!!!”

…

…

Nothing else is happening…?

You slowly lower your arms and blink the spots out of your vision.

Stars, that was embarrassing. You're glad nobody saw that.

Well, nobody except for Loop.

You notice there's something on the floor in front of the mirror now.

You pick it up.

It's some kind of Crafted painting of the room you're in. There's a shining light on the floor near the door.

You look back at the actual floor, and you see the exact spot somehow lit up by the mirror.

You reach down and pick it up.

You found the Smiling Key!

The keychain dangling from it is shaped like a smiling mask.

You put it in one of your cloak pockets along with the painting.

You then go back to the mirror, grazing the silver with a gloved finger.

It would have been nice if you could have gotten a painting with you in it. It would have been even better with your allies in it, if they could have followed you inside.

…

You got a Memory of Silver!

You'll always remember this.

[When Memory of Silver is equipped, your Attack will be automatically boosted at the start of a battle, but your Defense will be reduced!]

That kind of makes sense. Silver would hurt to touch if you weren’t wearing gloves.

You put your hand in your pocket and roll around your silver coin.

You should leave before your allies start thinking you’re dead.

When you step out of the room, you pull the key back out of your pocket and lift it up for your allies to see.

Mirabelle beams. “Oh, you found a key! Good job, Siffrin!”

“Yeah, good job!” Isabeau cheers and claps, making you tuck your face away into your cloak.

“And you didn’t trigger any rock traps,” Odile says. “Good work.”

Time to backtrack.

With access to the rest of the floor, you do the usual: search from top to bottom, gathering keys and whatever else you can scrape up. You can’t let something like a missed tonic or item be what makes this loop fail.

Finally, you work your way back to the locked room next to the mirror room.

There’s a weird Crest Sadness inside, but you could have guessed that. You defeat it, get the Crest, and remember that you need to decide where to go from here. You’ve seen three paths blocked by tears to choose from.

The one closest to the mirror room just feels wrong. It’s too close.

You turn the Crest over in the palm of your hand as you walk.

The second wall of tears also feels wrong.

The farthest one, that one feels right.

You use the Crest on the tears and walk through.

Another door. It’s locked.

The symbol over the keyhole is shaped like a crying mask.

A crying mask…?

“Hm… We don’t have the key for this one yet, do we?” Mirabelle asks.

There’s a piece of paper stuck to the door…

We closed as many doors as we could, but if SOMEHOW you need the key to this one…

…I hid the key in room 403, in little Marc’s notebook.

“Room 403? Rooms have numbers now?” Isabeau asks, but you’re struggling to focus on the words.

All you hear is that it’s on the second floor.

But you’re here.

The classroom on the second floor, though… That’s such a long way back…

Better get going.

You’re almost to the King. Even if you keep messing up, it doesn’t matter.

All you need to do is defeat him.

✧ Loop 9 ✧

Defeating the King didn’t break the loops.

Loop knew this would happen, but that’s fine. You’re fine.

You have doors to open still. You’re not trapped, you’re just a little stuck.

…You think you’d like to talk to Loop a little more, though. As much as they get on your nerves, they remember the loops. They don’t repeat themself. It’s nice.

“Let’s talk about something.”

You aren’t sure what, but—

“My turn! Are you starting to get hungry yet?”

You blink. Out of everything you could have guessed Loop asking you about, whether you're hungry or not ranks pretty low. You have more important things to be thinking about than a stomachache.

“I'm fine,” you say.

“Aw, stardust, you know you don't have to lie to me. Or are you trying to lie to yourself instead?”

You stare at a patch of grass between the two of you.

Loop knows everything about you, but it's still overwhelming to have your habit brought up like this in broad daylight.

“It's going to happen eventually, you know. If you put off thinking about it until it’s too late, you're only going to make it worse.”

The last thing you want to think about right now is you losing control in the House. You’re fine if you focus on helping your allies.

“I'm not asking you to come up with a ten step plan or anything. I'm just asking you to be less…” Loop waves their hand in circles, “strict, when it comes to your habit.”

You squint.

“I'm not suggesting what you think I'm suggesting, either. You don't even have to touch your precious party! But, you know, there's an entire village here for you to choose from,” they say, gesturing away from the Favor Tree.

…

You kind of hate this idea.

You haven't dared to try sating your habit with any of the villagers. You've been running off of fumes, the only blood in your body being from someone you reluctantly bit… two or three days before reaching Dormont. You can usually last longer, but the Crafting you've been doing burns through your reserves faster than just moving around.

If you break the loops on one where you attacked someone Mirabelle knows, someone you'll have to see again when you leave the House, you…

“Nobody can find out,” you say, your tone hushed. “Nobody can know.”

Loop leans forward. “Does anybody have to know? You’re a myth, stardust. Just don’t let anyone see you, and they’ll think they fainted from fatigue or stress. Stars, how did you get by without me?”

“That's what I’ve been doing, but it’s different now.”

“How?”

You stay silent. They know exactly how it's different. They just want to mess with you, as usual.

“...Fine! Food for thought, at the absolute least. Not that food will do anything to help you,” they scoff. “Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

They ask after they interrupted you and asked a question themself.

“Nah, nothing,” you say as you stand up.

“See you later, stardust.”

They gently wave you goodbye.

You give them a nod, and walk away.

✧ Loop 10 ✧

You run through the usual and sit down at the Favor Tree to get your chat in with Loop. You’ve been learning about your allies in the loops, but you have to nod along to conversation after conversation just to get there. With Loop, you’re not waiting for them to stop talking. Almost everything they have to say is new.

“No, my turn!”

Again? You’ll let them have another turn, but only because you’re curious.

“So! I'm sure you must have questions about me at this point. Theories.”

Theories?

“About who I am. Might be. That sort of stuff. Am I correct?”

…

“I do.”

Of course you do.

Loop's just too mysterious. Suspicious from head to toe.

“Of course you do. I'm just too mysterious, suspicious from head to toe.”

Moments like these only make you think that Loop can actually read your mind that much more.

“So! Lay it on me! I'm so curious as to what you think.” Loop leans forward with interest. “Who, or what, do you think I am?”

“You’re…

“...like me.”

Loop’s eyes go wide. “Like you? How so?”

“You stay in the shade,” you say, gesturing above to the Favor Tree. “You’ve been talking about my… habit. You know what it’s like.”

The hunger. The daggers that cut your stomach open and ensure that you’ll never feel full.

“Still can’t say it, can you?” Loop leans back and sighs. “You know the word, stardust. If I really am what you think I am, then you can say it.”

You don’t want to. If you say it to someone like you, then that’s the same as saying it to yourself. That’s the same as admitting you know exactly what’s wrong with you.

Loop smiles, but it doesn’t look real. “Hm. We can work on that another time. Or maybe not! Anyway, if that's the case, do you have any theories for why I look like this?” Loop asks, gesturing at their starry body.

You haven’t exactly met anyone else like you before. For all you know, this is something unique to you that happens to have myths behind it.

People will make up stories about anything, after all. A normal person with teeth that are a little too sharp becomes a monster. A group of stars in the sky becomes a pair of people, or…

…

People will make up stories about anything, after all. None of the stories you heard or read about match you perfectly, but a lot of them have to do with life after death.

Looping doesn’t count as dying, so maybe…?

“...Will I become a star when I die?” you ask, realizing too late that this is a stupid theory.

“Will you-- pfft, what?” Loop starts snickering.

“Uh, I mean--”

“I’m not even a star, stardust!” They pretend to cover their mouth as they laugh. “Stars don’t talk! Have you really been thinking that I’m an actual star this entire time?”

…

“Oh, if you could see the look on your face! Priceless.” Loop finally calms down. “Why would someone like you become like this after dying anyway? Walking in the sunlight will kill you, not make you into more sunlight!”

Okay, now you feel the need to defend yourself. “The stars don’t hurt.”

“The sun is a star.”

“It’s only one star.”

“Oh, yes, it’s only one star, no big deal. Just the one that makes life here possible.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Then what is the point?”

You lift the brim of your hat and open your mouth to speak, but…

No, yeah, you’ve completely lost track of what this conversation was supposed to be about.

“Ha! You’ve lost track, haven’t you? That’s fine. I’ll say that… you’re not right, but you’re not wrong, either.”

You don't know how you can be both right and wrong about Loop being like you, but whatever.

You’re still curious… “So if you’re not a star, then what are you?”

Loop is quiet. The beams of light on their head don’t look as bright.

Then, just when you think they won’t answer at all, they speak.

“I'm more like... a mirror. A mirror reflecting nothing at all. It's simpler that way, isn't it?”

…

“Got any more fun theories, stardust?”

“...Not really.”

Loop clicks their… tongue? “Aw. See you later, then?”

You nod and stand to leave.

Loop waves at you as you go.

✧ Loop 13 ✧

You dreamt about chasing someone down a hall.

It didn’t feel like a dream, though…

…

You didn’t become a star when you died.

You became a mindless monster.

Claws tearing your stomach apart, fangs heavy in your mouth.

Even now, you can still sense where everyone is. You can find Mirabelle with your eye closed, then find her again by scent when she starts running—

No. No. No.

Not again. Never again. You can never let yourself die like that ever again. You don't know what you were thinking. You weren't thinking at all.

Your only mercy was that your stupid, bloodthirsty brain made you try eating a blinding Sadness before anything else.

…

You’d like to never think about this again, but you know Loop’s going to bring it up.

It’s fine.

You ignore the pit in your stomach and run through the usual with Mirabelle.

You ignore the pit in your stomach and dismiss Isabeau.

You ignore the pit in your stomach and sit down at the Favor Tree.

When you finally meet Loop’s eyes, they look distant.

“...So. We should probably talk about that.”

They look like they don’t want to do this either. Unfortunately for both of you, they continue.

“Are you still against paying the villagers a little visit?”

…

“Wouldn't it make things easier on you, even if it only lasts for a loop?”

…

“Stardust, work with me. You’re already going through enough as it is. You don’t need to add onto that stress by starving yourself--”

“What else is there?” You lean forward, eye wide. “If it’s not this, then it’s worse! I can’t just visit them whenever I want, what if-- I can’t-- I can’t…”

You drop down into a whisper. “...I can’t let myself get used to that.”

You’re a gaping maw, always waiting for a meal. You’re going to break out of these loops one way or another, and when you do, you don’t want to be so used to being a monster that you can’t crawl back into your costume. You need to be able to keep your role.

It'll be all you have left, once…

…

Loop looks to the side. “...Fine.” They then throw themself into another fake smile. “I tried! Just know that you got lucky this time, stardust!”

There won’t be a next time. You’ll make sure.

But, somehow… you get the feeling that Loop is speaking from experience.

Not that they would give you a straight answer if you asked. There wouldn’t be any point, but the thought still stays with you.

You breathe in, and out, and you try not to think about it.

The scents of the grass and flowers outside are strong. Your senses have been getting sharper. You can feel it as you fight your way through the House again, and again, and again.

Walking around in the village is slowly becoming overwhelming to you. Too many heartbeats, too much warmth. You don’t need a break, but Loop still gives you one. The air doesn’t feel as thick when you’re sitting with them. Birdsong doesn’t sound as piercing when they’re talking to you. They’re safe, even if you swear you can almost hear a pulse underneath the star on their chest if you listen closely enough.

It’s probably just in your head.

“Do you still want to talk, or…?” Loop asks, as if they were waiting for when they wouldn’t interrupt your thoughts.

“Not really,” you say.

“See you later then, stardust.”

They gently wave you goodbye.

You give them a nod, and walk away.

✧ Loop 15 ✧

Mirror room time.

You have a little time to yourself before you need to go out again. Your allies are willing to wait for a while when you tell them you’re checking for traps. It takes you longer to find them now. You can’t hide that.

You know exactly where the switch on the mirror is, so all you have to do is walk up to it, close your eye, and grab the key. It only takes a few seconds.

Which gives you some time to breathe.

The mirror room is, with the exception of the Favor Tree, the only place you can breathe without scenting out blood. Dormont is too lived in, and when you’re exploring the House, your allies follow you everywhere. Here, you aren’t at risk of focusing too much on how they smell, or on how much your throat hurts when you try to swallow down your saliva.

You can’t stay for too long, but it’s fine.

You take another breath, ignore how musty the air is, and look at the mirror.

Silver.

This kind of mirror isn’t very popular in Vaugarde. Vaugardians prefer using glass and other metals for them, which you have a reflection in. In pools of water, or in windows, or in anything particularly shiny, you have a reflection.

It’s only silver that reminds you of how freakish you are.

…

Your hand is in the pocket holding your silver coin. You don’t remember reaching in, but before you know it, you’re pulling it out and working it between your fingers.

If you took off your glove, it would burn you.

…Don’t think like that. You need your hands for attacking.

You sigh and swap hands. Muscle memory guides you, letting you flip the coin between your fingers using either your right or your left.

You remember how you got this coin.

You remember what it represents.

You remember.

You were at a night market.

You were still figuring out what was wrong with you, back then.

You knew just enough to be around other people without thinking too hard about their heartbeats.

You had learned that you couldn’t tolerate direct sunlight fast. You learned about your habit shortly after. Everything else came as a matter of circumstance.

You had earned a single gold coin for escorting a villager through the woods for a couple of days. Vaugarde was safer than most countries, but there were still Sadnesses around. The quest showed you that you could handle yourself, both in combat and in being around people.

So what was the harm in doing more of what people did? Of going into a village instead of hanging around the outskirts? Of trying to talk to villagers with what little Vaugardian you knew? Of buying yourself a snack for your troubles?

The croissants looked popular. Everyone at the market seemed to be either eating one or buying one. You pointed to one and offered up your coin.

There wasn’t any other way you could have figured out that silver hurts you until you had extended your hand out for change.

You remember pain.

It burned hot at first, like bringing your hand close to a lit candle, only to smother the flame with your palm. It was hot, then cold, then hot again, your body unable to decide which signal for danger it wanted to send.

You should have dropped it, but it would have been an admission. A confession.

Through darkless knuckles and grit teeth, you fled the night market, only realizing you were still holding the coin in your clenched fist when you finally stopped running.

You kept it.

You put it in your pocket and watched as the shade of your palm returned to normal.

You got another odd job and used the money from it to buy yourself a pair of gloves.

You were careful not to use the coin to pay. You kept it separate from the rest of what little money you had. A simple drawstring pouch was good enough for that. The coin was special.

It was a reminder.

You can’t let yourself get too comfortable.

You can’t fool yourself into thinking you can be human.

You can put on the costume, you can play the role, but you can never become something you aren't.

You need to remember that.

For everyone’s sake.

…

You hold your coin tightly with one hand, trace the surface of the mirror with the other, and think about your allies.

That’s enough time spent by yourself. You still need to figure out how to help everyone.

✧ Loop 16 ✧

Loop smells different.

You’ve talked with them enough that you’ve started noticing more things about them. They have a slight accent that scratches at the back of your head. Their eyes are two different shades.

And while they usually smell faintly sweet, that scent has changed.

It’s deeper. Richer, somehow. Closer to the scent you would get from a person.

It reminds you a little of Mirabelle. You’ve helped her realize a few things about herself and her faith, even if you were just a sounding board for what she already knew. When you sat next to her this loop and heard her out, your thoughts kept going back to that sweetness.

Disgusting. She was baring her soul to you, and all you could think about was how much you wanted to lean in and…!

…

“Let’s talk about something.”

“Sure,” Loop says gently. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Why do you smell like that?”

Loop’s eyes go wide. “And what do you mean by that, stardust?”

Okay, you probably could have phrased that better.

You try again. “You smell different. Like…”

Like you could maybe… sink your teeth in and…

You swallow thickly.

Loop knows exactly what you’re thinking. “...No. No, that’s… That’s not possible? I don’t have a heart or blood???”

They don’t sound sure. Maybe they can’t tell, but you can. You can hear the thrum of their star like a heartbeat, slow and steady.

“Stardust, you know the last time you sensed something you thought you could drink, you tried biting a Sadness, right?”

“I know that,” you hiss, “but this is different, I was being stupid then--”

“And you’re not being stupid now? Could you even get close to me without burning yourself?”

Well, you can test that pretty easily.

You stand up, pull off your glove, and bring your bare hand up to Loop’s face. Not close enough to touch, but enough to feel the warmth of their light against your palm.

It doesn’t burn.

Loop goes still.

“...Huh.”

They sound surprised, but they were the one who told you they aren’t a star. You resist the urge to roll your eye as you slip your glove back on.

“You really think you can…?” Loop trails off.

You nod. You couldn’t even think of doing this with any of your allies. With Loop, though… It’s different with them.

They meet your eye. You think you see a flicker of recognition before they look away again.

“...Better this than any of them,” they mutter, “even if… Well. If this still goes terribly, I’ll be saying I told you so!”

That’s fair.

You look at Loop’s arms.

“Have a little patience, stardust. Wouldn’t want me falling over from your bite,” they say as they stand up from their root. They walk over to the Favor Tree’s trunk and sit down on the ground, leaning against the bark.

You follow and sit next to them.

Your mouth feels weird, and it takes you a moment to realize it’s because your fangs are already out.

Loop breathes in, and out.

They extend their arm to you.

You hold their arm as gently as you can, and they flinch.

You quickly let go. Did they change their mind?

“I haven’t changed my mind,” Loop huffs, still offering you their arm. “Just hurry up before I do.”

Your tongue darts out to wet your lips. Stars. You’ve been eating food every loop, but none of it does anything for your hunger. It doesn’t even taste good anymore. Everything has been coated in a layer of sickly sweet sugar.

Loop smells sweet too, but in a different way.

Your throat burns.

You lower yourself down and press your fangs against the crook of Loop’s arm. You could hear it, and now you can feel it.

A pulse.

It’s slow, in time with the twinkling of their stars, but it’s there. If they have a pulse, they have blood, and if they have blood, then you can drink—

You bite down, and Loop gasps.

Their arm goes tense in your mouth instead of slack, but it’s fine, it’s fine, their blood is pooling around your fangs and flowing to your tongue and it’s new! It tastes like you’re drinking down a star chart, the heat of it flickering against the inside of your mouth in patterns you want to memorize. It doesn’t burn, not like sunlight or sugar does. It warms you to the tips of your fingers. It's delicious.

You take shuddering breaths through your nose as you hold the warmth in your mouth, then swallow.

You lose track of time. Loop’s blood flows like molasses. You’re starved, but you want to savor them as much as you can.

You drink, and you drink, and you drink, until you don’t think you can swallow another mouthful.

For the first time in months, you feel full.

You draw your fangs back and lick at the wounds left behind, healing them quickly while cleaning up the rest of Loop’s blood. When you let go of their arm, you see that their blood is as lightless as their limbs. The way it shimmers with dots of light reminds you of stars reflected in an ocean.

You lick your lips. There’s still some there.

Loop stares at you, unblinking, before looking down at their own arm. Then back to you, then back to their arm, then back to you again.

“...Stardust?”

You tilt your head.

“What was that?”

“What was…?”

Loop stands up, and you jolt up to catch them before the blood loss makes them fall, but they’re steady on their feet. Their star head is sparking like it does when they’re upset. Even if it looks like they’re fine, did you take too much?

You resist the urge to bare your bloodstained teeth. “If you needed me to stop, you could have said--”

“No, I didn’t need you to stop. I…” Loop rubs at the patch of starry skin your fangs had just been in, then smiles with their eyes at you. “I was wondering if you were going to drain me dry, teehee! Did I taste good? Were you hoping to get every last drop?”

Your face feels warm. You try not to think too hard about how it's Loop’s blood helping you blush.

What can you say? That you lost track of how much you were drinking? That part of you thought that you could keep going until your bottomless pit of a stomach was finally full? Saying it makes it real, and you’re already too much of a blinding monster to want to push yourself over that edge, even if it’s what you deserve. You can’t.

“...I won't do it again,” you murmur.

“Stars, don’t give me that kicked puppy look! And I never said you couldn't do it again. If you ever need to take the edge off of your habit, you know where to look now, I suppose.”

They… would let you? Again?

Loop sighs. “Yes, stardust, I would let you do this again. Not every loop, but if you need it, then yes.”

…

You believe them, but it feels wrong. Not that it’s too good to be true, but that you need to do something for them first.

You need to focus on breaking out of the time loop, but you can keep an eye out for a way to pay them back.

“Oh, wait, one more little thing before you go!” Loop says as you’re standing up.

They show you how to talk to them without needing to be at the Favor Tree. The secret hand sign they show you sounds like a joke, but you can give it a try later.

When you give Loop a nod and walk away, it’s with clearer thoughts and a lighter step.

✧ Loop 17 ✧

Mirror room time.

Another few minutes to think clearly.

You do what needs to be done and stand in front of the mirror. You don’t have to do this, but it feels like the right place to be.

It isn’t like your allies will walk in and see you in front of an empty mirror.

So.

…You need to figure out Bonnie’s favorite foods. The thought of looping back only to guess them over and over isn’t exactly appealing. Your luck is terrible! You’d get all the wrong answers before you’d find the right ones!

You’ve been trying different snacks of theirs, but it’s hard to keep track of what you have and haven’t eaten on top of everything else. Remembering a few foods should be easy, but not to your sieve brain.

It doesn’t help that when you sit down for a snack break, you remember that the food you’re about to eat won’t help your habit. It helps keep your energy up, but it doesn’t take away from the scent of blood in the air. Your allies can heal, but any blood they lose stays on their skin and clothes.

The smell lingers.

And it’s been getting stronger.

You need to do something before you get overwhelmed.

You need to get out.

…

There are two more walls of tears on this floor.

You haven't checked them yet.

Why would you? You got it right on the first try. If you go to those other places, you'd be throwing away the loop. There's a difference between throwing away a loop that's hopeless and throwing away one that might’ve had a chance.

And you… don't really know what happens, after you loop.

Does everything get reset? The Universe skips a beat and corrects itself, and it's like it never happened?

Or is it only you, and those other loops, they all had to go on after you died, or were frozen, or…

…No. No, that doesn't make sense, does it? Haha, because you've looped back without dying, right? So that doesn't—that can't be how it goes.

Everything resets.

You aren't leaving them behind.

You just wish…

…

Oh, that reminds you.

You have some time left before your allies get anxious.

You make the secret hand sign and think about talking to Loop.

“Hello hello, Loop speaking! Thank you for calling! How may I help you!”

Hearing Loop’s voice in your head makes you startle. You weren't sure what you were expecting, calling them like this, but hearing them in your head wasn't it.

Then again, it was them talking to you at the start, before you even knew it was them. They've talked to you in your head before. This shouldn't surprise you at all. Stupid.

“What should I do now?” you ask, keeping your voice down.

“You're doing so many different things! What do you need help with?”

“Helping Bonnie, but…”

“Oh, proving that you know their favorite foods? Don't you take snack breaks every so often in the House?”

Maybe they can't read your mind, if they're asking all of this while you're on a timer.

Or maybe they're just being their usual self.

“I do, but it's…”

Hard to focus during snack breaks.

If there's another way of finding their favorite foods, something you can look at or do in the House outside of the snack breaks, it could be useful.

“...How about this, stardust? Keep doing what you're doing, looping as normal, but ask the Kid about their favorite foods each time. You'll figure it all out eventually.”

It would take time, but it's better than the alternative.

“And you already know one, don't you? Rice! Well, who doesn't love rice! I can remind you of whatever favorite foods you find, so don't be afraid to ask for a refresher!”

Huh. That's actually helpful.

Maybe you don't need to throw loops away on dead ends. You can do this without screwing up on purpose. It's bad enough when you do it by accident.

“Any other questions, stardust?”

“Nah, nothing.” You need to meet back up with your allies.

“Okay! Talk to you later, stardust!”

You stop making the secret hand sign and flex your fingers a few times.

Back to it, Siffrin.

✧ Loop 24 ✧

You wake up.

You dreamt you were bleeding into a cup.

Who were you offering it to?

That’s the third time in a row you've had that dream. Defeating the King is pointless whether your family loves you or not, so you've been using tears to loop more often. They're better than having to play along with a victory you know won't last.

Besides, it isn't like you even know what to talk to the King about. He said something about Time Craft, and you've been trying to follow up on that ever since you found out the power of love isn't real!

…You breathe in, and out. It's fine. You're over it. You're fine.

You need to talk to Loop, so you're back doing the usual in Dormont. Mirabelle talks, then she leaves. You talk to Isabeau, and he leaves. You sit with Loop, and they stay right where they are.

“Hey, stardust. How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?”

They've helped you so much already.

You still need to do something for them.

…You have an idea.

Wordlessly, you roll up your sleeve and hold your arm out to Loop, exposing your skin from underneath your cloak.

Loop raises an eyebrow. “Yes? That is your arm, stardust.”

You squint. Can they really not tell what you’re trying to do here, or are they just being their usual self again?

They stay silent.

You stay silent.

Stars. You don’t think you should need to explain this, especially if your theory was right.

“...Never mind.” You tuck your arm close to yourself and roll your sleeve back up.

“Hm. Any other body parts of yours you want to show me, stardust?”

Um??? 

A few sparks shoot out from Loop’s head and fizzle. “Ignore that, that didn’t-- urgh. Let’s take this from the top. Hey, stardust. How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?”

Well. If they’re going to pretend that the past few minutes didn’t happen, you might as well play along.

You can always make your offer again in another loop.

✧ Loop 27 ✧

You close the door to the mirror room, collect the key, and stand in front of the mirror.

You could probably sit down in this room, but it feels rude when your family is standing, waiting for you outside.

Besides, you’re not tired. You’re focused. You’re energized. You have a path to follow with learning more about the King.

Sure, you've been hitting a few dead ends with that little quest, and sure, you're starting to think you're going to need to intentionally doom your family by checking dead ends, but you have a path!

A path that you haven't dared to tread, but a path nonetheless.

Because it's different. It's different to finding a dead end by accident, because you didn't mean to do that. It's different to needing to freeze yourself in time to go back, because those loops were already going to fail, right? There was no point in going on, right?

Everything resets, unless it doesn't, and you've left twenty-six families behind to die like the monster you are—

No, no, no.

That isn’t how it works. You know that isn’t how that works.

But you can check, right? You can make sure?

You make the secret hand sign and think about talking to Loop.

“Hello hello, Loop speaking! Thank you for calling! How may I help you!”

“Let’s talk about something.”

“Well, I'd love to chat, stardust, but you have other things to do, don't you?”

“I just need a quick answer to something. Please.”

“...Alright, but make it quick! You don’t want your party barging in on you like this, do you?”

You tuck your chin into your cloak at the thought. “I need to know how the loops work. If everything resets or not.”

“Why do you need to know that?”

“I thought I was supposed to be making this quick?”

Loop sighs. “I’m just curious why you think this has anything to do with trying to get information out of the King.”

“It doesn’t,” at least, you don’t think it does, “but it’s still important.”

“How?”

The words crawl up your throat. “Because I'm not going to leave everyone behind by trying dead ends if every loop keeps going after I die, Loop.”

“...Huh! I didn't think you'd be worried about that, of all things.”

“Wh-- why not?!”

You can hear Loop snort, then try to speak through their laughter. “Because it's silly!!! Of course the loops don't keep going after you die, they're called loops! They go right back around to the start! You can loop back as many times as you like, and it won't matter!”

“But if there's a chance--”

“There isn't. Just like how your party won't remember the loops, there's no chance that the loops keep going on without you.”

…

You wonder how Loop is so confident about this.

“So go on, stardust! Explore! Learn everything you can! You might need to in order to progress anyway. Wouldn't you prefer to get that out of the way in a couple of loops, rather than wasting tens of loops trying to find a solution you can't get to?”

………Well, when they put it like that.

“Yeah,” you say. “I guess I just… needed to hear that from someone else.”

“That's what I'm here to do! And look, it isn't a good idea to have these kinds of chats in front of your party, but if you really need to, we can have quick little talks in that mirror room. Only in that mirror room, okay?”

“Okay.”

Wait, you should… “Um. Thanks.”

“Aw, you're welcome, stardust. Now go on, explore the House! See everything you can! I believe in you! Come by the Favor Tree later!”

You stop making the secret hand sign.

You've spent enough time here. Time to go.

You pull the key out of your pocket, remind yourself of your lines, and open the door.

✧ Loop 31 ✧

Under the shade of the Favor Tree, you meet back up with Loop.

You're determined. You're going to make your offer, and you're going to explain yourself this time, even if you don't think you should have to.

“Hey, stardust. How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?”

They really have been helping you, haven’t they? You thought Loop was kind of annoying at first. Honestly, you still do, but it’s more like a quirk of theirs than something that genuinely bothers you. You can overlook it now that you’ve gotten to know them a little better.

You couldn’t have gotten this far without them. Not with your habit to worry about, and not with the dead end situation.

The room with the poem in it was a waste of your time, which is saying something, since you have all the time in the world.

The other room, however, more than made up for it.

Stars, stars, stars, as far as the eye could see. You’ve been getting better at remembering them. You’ve had dreams where you saw them, but you could only think of them as distant lights as opposed to the orbiting fires they truly are.

Maybe you could visit that room again sometime.

“...”

Oh, you’re being silent for too long again, but Loop doesn’t seem like they mind.

You can afford to be quiet for a little longer. You haven’t thought this through as much as you should have. What should you say? You don’t know if the feeling you have can be put into words. It’s more like an urge. A sense that what you’re trying to offer is right.

You look at Loop from underneath the brim of your hat and see that they’ve closed their eyes. Taking in the silence, maybe? That’s fine, but you need to get their attention now.

“Um,” you say, and they look at you.

“Welcome back, stardust,” they say with a smile in their eyes. “Did you come up with something to say?”

You rub at your arm, careful not to move your cloak in the process.

“I wanted to… make an offer?”

“You know I’m already here to help you, right?”

“I know, but this isn’t… it’s not related to that.”

“Oh? Well, now I’m curious! What is this mysterious offer of yours, stardust?”

Like before, you roll up your sleeve and hold your arm out to Loop. Palm up, wrist exposed, or even the crook of the elbow, if that’s what they prefer.

Loop’s playful surprise turns into something else. They look at your arm like you’re pointing your dagger at them.

“And why are you showing me your arm again?” Loop sounds like they’re talking through clenched teeth.

You aren’t sure what kind of mouth they even have, if any, but you still need to do this.

“...This is the offer.”

“...”

“You helped me, Loop. You still are. You let me…” drink from you and make your blood mine, “...you helped me with my habit. I want to do something for you, too.”

Loop blinks slowly at your exposed wrist.

“I’m not like you, stardust.”

“But you used to be, right?”

“I never said that.”

“You said I was right and wrong.”

“Which means you can be wrong about this.”

You grin. “It also means I can be right.”

Loop leans away from you. “What makes you think I’m even interested in accepting?”

“...You haven’t laughed in my face yet?”

Loop seems to consider this before looking at you with a familiar shine in their eyes.

“Oh, well, if that’s all it takes! Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahahaha! Put your arm away, stardust! You’re the one who needs to keep all their blood in their body! It’d be a waste to lose it because of me!”

Your face feels warm. “If we went at the same time, I wouldn’t be losing anything--”

“At the same time?! Stars, take me out to dinner first!”

You tuck your chin away. “You can just say no if you don’t want to--”

“Aw, and lose out on seeing you flustered? Not a chance, stardust.”

You groan, hide your arm underneath your cloak, and roll your sleeve back down.

You'll ask again another time. Hopefully you can work yourself back up to it before you break out of the loops.

All you need to do is figure out how to talk to the King, and you’ll be free.

✧ Loop 40 ✧

You close the door to the mirror room, collect the key, and stand in front of the mirror.

You feel like you’ve been going in circles.

…Which is exactly what it means to be stuck in a loop! Good job, Siffrin! You’ve wasted even more of your time! Maybe if you spend long enough in the loop, you’ll figure out how to describe it without sounding like an idiot!

Not that you’ll ever be describing it to anyone. Loop already knows what it’s like, and nobody else needs to know.

It was dangerous enough to ask the King if he was the one imprisoning you in front of your family. You don't think he's the one doing this to you, but he's important to it somehow. The key has to be you finding a better ending. One where he stands down, and no one has to fight.

You lean into the reflectionless mirror. The silver raises goosebumps where it's closest to your skin. You tilt your head and press the brim of your hat against the silver, folding it over on itself.

You just need a minute to yourself.

Looking to the side of the room, you only see more paintings.

Housemaidens, villagers, people of all sorts. Everyone but you gets proof of their existence.

Your eye glazes over each of them.

…

Then, you stop.

Eye locked onto a painting, you pull yourself away from the mirror and walk up to it.

It's of the King, standing alone.

He looks lonely.

But even he gets proof.

Isn't it fitting? The King, the one freezing all of Vaugarde, gets his own painting. Proof that he was here. A moment perfectly frozen in time.

While you get nothing but your own faulty memories.

It's what you deserve.

After all, you're doing the same thing as him, aren't you? Turning back Vaugarde’s time over and over again is just like freezing it. You aren't meaning to do it, you don't want to be doing it, but you still are, aren't you?

But he… The King wants this. He wants to preserve Vaugarde, the country that welcomed him. The country that helped him. The country that loved him.

It's the only home he can remember.

Of course he wants to keep it safe.

If he doesn't protect it, then what's stopping whatever happened to the country from happening here?

From losing everything all over again?

How could he ever let go?

Your fingers trace the edge of the King’s painting.

…You understand him more than you'd like to.

But you don't want this. You’re a monster, but you've never once thought of doing something this drastic.

You don't want to be here.

You're different.

All you've ever wanted to do is drain your family members dry.

You're worse.

…

You don't want to think about this anymore.

You just need to talk to the King again.

✧ Loop 43 ✧

You can't stop thinking about it.

A hand, reaching out.

A hand, tightening.

Never again, never again, never again.

You want to curl up in the meadow and sleep, but you can't. You’re already up and running through your lines with Mirabelle. At this point, you might as well stay awake.

Your only mistake in the script is flinching when a cloud goes over the sun, casting Bonnie in a brief shadow, just like—

Don't think about it.

You make it back around to Loop, and they perk up when they see you. Their star head isn't sparking as much—you think it gets brighter when they talk. It's a shame the only person they can talk to is you. They deserve better.

You approach them in the shade but don’t sit down. Loop shifts in place. They’ve already figured you out.

You almost don’t want to ask, but something in you knows that you won’t be able to stop thinking about it until it happens.

Take it slow. Don't bring it up immediately.

You find your coin and roll it between your fingers. It's soothing. Even if you don't need to be reminded right now, you've made the motion so many times that you could do it in your sleep.

Loop notices.

“You can get so fixated sometimes,” they say. “How long have you had that on you? Do you even remember?”

You couldn’t give a number. You know it’s been years. You could do some mental math to figure it out, but you don’t want to.

Loop scoffs. “Of course not. Honestly, it’s a miracle you’ve been able to keep it on you this whole time. Is it even the same coin at all? If it isn’t, can’t you just let it go?”

“It’s the same coin.”

“How do you know?”

You tuck your chin into your cloak. “I just do.”

“...You’re ridiculous. What does this little ritual even prove? It isn't going to change anything. Do you think you’ll wake up one day and forget what you are?”

You keep rolling the coin.

“Well, you won’t. You should spare yourself the pain and throw that thing away--”

“And who are you to tell me that?! How could you possibly know how I feel?!” You startle yourself with how fast you lean in, fangs bared, your coin clenched in your palm.

Loop breathes in, and out. “...I suppose I wouldn’t know how you feel. I don’t exactly need a reminder, do I? I don’t even get the blinding costume. All I have to do is look at my hands to know what I am.”

They look down at their hands, lightless as the night sky. The stars dotting them flicker as they speak, rings of light growing and shrinking with their tone.

“I’m not even a risk to anyone anymore, am I? And yet, what does it even matter if… if they…”

You have to ask. “If they…?”

Loop looks back up at you. They look tired for a split second, just before they seem to realize and snap back into a fake smile.

“Nope! That’s it! That’s all you get, teehee!”

…

You feel like you understand Loop a lot better now.

As you sit in silence together, you try to figure out how to bring up your offer.

Not that you trust your ability to sell them on it. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with how you’ve been offering. They just haven’t been accepting for their own reasons.

Once more, you pull up your sleeve and reveal your arm from underneath your cloak.

Loop looks you in the eye. You aren’t sure what you see in theirs. Anger? Fatigue?

…Hope?

“You’re serious,” they ask, deadpan.

“I’m serious.”

“Do you even understand what you’re offering, stardust? I don’t exactly have the abilities that you do. No relaxation. No fangs.”

“I know that.” It would only be a bite.

“And… you know it could still ‘count’ if you drew your own blood. You don’t have to hold on to this ritual, either.”

…

The half-memory of how it’s supposed to work is all you can cling to. You don’t think it so much as you feel it.

“...I want it to be you, Loop.”

Loop closes their eyes and thinks.

You wait.

They open their eyes and look right at you.

“Okay.”

Yeah, you didn’t think that they would accept your offer this loop, either—wait did they say okay???

“Surprised?” Loop raises an eyebrow at you. “I suppose I would be, too. But if this is the only way you can deal with that habit of yours, then… Well. I did say I’m here to help you, didn’t I?”

They did, but you were hoping for this to be more of an equal exchange. Not that it could ever be truly equal. You’re going to be the one benefiting from it the most. You aren’t even sure what Loop’s body would do with your stolen blood. You guess you’ll find out?

“How should we…?” You trail off. If you’re being honest, you didn’t think you’d get this far.

“It’s your offer, stardust. You hadn’t thought it through?”

You shake your head, embarrassed.

“Ha! That’s fine,” Loop says, getting up from their spot. “Let me get comfortable. Your bite might not have its usual effect on me, but I’d still prefer to have something against my back.”

That’s fair. You nod and follow them deeper into the shade of the Favor Tree.

You don’t know what to do while Loop ‘gets comfortable.’ You settle for watching. They sit down at the base of the tree and lean back, their arms at their sides and their legs sticking straight out in front of them. You wince—you don’t think the bark against their bare skin is comfortable. You almost want to offer them your cloak.

Loop looks up at you. “Stars, you really are quiet. Come on, sit next to me,” they say, patting the dirt to their right.

You sit down next to them. The pulse of their star is steady in your ears. It isn’t as loud as the drumbeats you hear when you’re next to your family members in combat. It’s more like a rhythmic tapping, as if someone’s trying to knock on a door with a single knuckle.

Loop makes eye contact with you, and their pulse speeds up.

“You mentioned once that we might be able to do this at the same time. Do you…” Loop looks away. “Do you want to try that way?”

Are they interested in trying that way? You feel your own pulse rise. They had seemed so against it before. You aren’t sure what changed, but whatever it was, you’re grateful for it.

“I do,” you say, also unable to look at Loop.

“Okay. We’ll need to be close. Closer than what your touch therapy was getting you used to, before…” Loop glances back at you. “Can you handle that?”

You run your hands up and down your arms. “How close?”

“If we’re going at the same time, then the neck makes the most sense to bite,” they say, tapping the side of their neck with two fingers. “But if that’s going to be overwhelming to you--”

“I can try.”

Loop flinches then nods. “Let’s get you used to some contact before throwing you into the deep end. Here.”

Loop holds their hand out to you, palm up.

You place your hand in theirs, your fingers tensing before you make yourself relax. You can feel pressure and warmth through your glove. The thrum of the stars dotting their skin feels like blunt needles trying and failing to pierce through.

“Good so far?” they ask.

“Good,” you say.

“Ready for another hand?”

You nod.

Loop offers you their other hand, and you place yours on top of it. Your heart catches on one of your ribs. They feel warm, tingly, a little overwhelming, and… familiar, somehow. Their fingers are thin and long like yours.

You rotate your wrists so that their hands are on top. If you look closely enough at the star clusters, they almost wrap around their lightless skin like scars. Or maybe not. Your own fingers are scarred from all sorts of incidents. You’re… what’s the word? Projecting.

“Remember to breathe, stardust.”

Oh. You let go of the breath you were holding and take in a fresh one.

“Ready for more?”

You nod.

Their fingers brush against your wrists, making you flinch hard.

They don’t shy away. Unlike your family, who don’t want to touch you because you’re disgusting, Loop is willing to give you time to adjust. They stay in place until you can relax.

Their hands travel up your arms. Your wrists still tingle from where they had just been touching you. The feeling lingers even as they move, making your muscles tense and bones vibrate. You remember to breathe this time. Unsure of where to point your eye, you watch as your cloak moves with Loop underneath it.

Your face feels hot.

Your teeth grow into fangs.

Loop isn’t doing much. The way they’re rubbing your arms is nothing compared to the group hug you’ve seen play out over and over again in the Clocktower.

You aren’t sure how long you spend with Loop. It’s dark under the canopy of the Favor Tree, illuminated only by Loop. You don’t want to turn your head and check how bright the sky is. It’s as if you’re in your own little bubble of time, separate from everything and everyone else.

You’re breathing faster. You feel like you’re being held near a fire. But you’re ready.

It’s time.

Loop must think the same. They go back to holding your hands. “Do you think you can handle it now?”

“I think so.”

“You know what to do, then.”

You do.

Neither of you need words for this. Loop guides you just as much as you guide them. You sit with your legs apart in Loop’s lap. The way their body tingles and flares is muffled against your clothes. You’re relieved. This amount of contact is already bordering on too much.

Once you get a little more used to Loop’s touch, you bring yourself close to their neck. The way you tilt your head to reach their pulse point lets you bare your own neck for them in turn. Being this close to them makes you squeeze your eye shut, but you wouldn’t be seeing much from this angle either way.

Not being able to see only makes Loop’s light feel that much more piercing against your neck.

You press the tips of your fangs against Loop. A hazy memory resurfaces. Of all the times you’ve been in this position, Loop is the only one to get a warning like this.

Your teeth ache with your hunger. Your jaw wants to snap down like a bear trap.

You wait until you feel their teeth on your skin. They don’t feel like bones. They feel like rays of light on a summer day, or sun-warmed shards of glass.

Loop squeezes your hand. You squeeze back.

You sink your fangs into their neck at the same time their light pierces through you.

A low hiss catches in your throat, but you swallow it down along with your first mouthful of Loop’s sweet blood. If it was molasses before, it's become something even closer to sugar now. Blood like sugarcane juice flows into you, almost too sweet on your tongue, but you refuse to stop. With your neck in Loop’s jaws, you don't think you can.

Your blood flows with two heartbeats as you drink from each other.

The burn of Loop’s light in your throat keeps you grounded as the taste of their blood pulls you to the sky. They aren't sealing your wounds, but it's hot enough to make your neck bloom with heat. Would the pain have been too much for you before? Did you have to reach this point, made stronger from loop after loop, nerves singed on death after death, to be able to survive Loop’s bite?

You don't know, and you don't think you ever will know.

It doesn’t matter.

You swallow another mouthful of blood, and your thoughts are washed away by the flavor.

Loop drinks as silently as you do. Distantly, you wonder how your blood tastes to them. Since yours is all stolen from other people, a mixture of whatever you could justify taking, it would have to taste differently to a real person’s. Instead of being fresh, yours would be rotten.

…Loop is swallowing slowly.

At the end of the day, they don’t need your blood like you need theirs.

But they still accepted. This still counts for something.

It has to.

You drink your fill and begin licking the wounds closed. You feel something soft press against your neck. Loop’s tongue? They lick you twice before they stop.

They yank themself away from you and push at your chest. There’s something frantic in their eyes. Some of your blood is making the light on the lower half of their face shine through a dark filter.

“I can’t-- you need to heal, now--”

“Done Heal,” you murmur. Your neck itches as it closes itself. Is that what it felt like for everyone you’ve bitten? Or is what you do something different?

Loop’s chest rises and falls. They stare at your neck then look away. Are they okay?

“I…” They let out a breath. “Don’t make me explain, stardust.”

…Right.

They were like you, once.

They must have memories from that time.

You tend to lose yourself when you’re indulging your habit. It’s the same as leaving your body when you put on the same performance enough times. Your body can act out stage directions long since memorized. You don’t know how long it’s been since Loop stopped being like you, but you think those sorts of memories would stick around.

If only you could forget them.

Instead, they’re the only memories you can cling to when everything else is eaten away.

“It’s fine. I get it,” you say.

Loop hums. You watch as they wipe off their face with the back of their hand. Your blood doesn’t smear so much as it stops dyeing their light. Weird.

“This was a while ago, but do you remember what I said after the first time?” they ask.

“...You thought I was going to kill you?”

“Stars, not that! Of course you’d remember that out of everything, but no. I had told you that I was willing to help you with your little habit.”

Oh. You remember now.

Loop closes their eyes as they talk. “So, now that I’ve accepted your offer, would you be willing to accept mine? It would be faster to take your meal and run, rather than go through all of this, wouldn’t it?”

It would be, but Loop is the only one who understands. That’s something special, isn’t it?

But if they’re bringing this up…

Reminding you so that you can do this faster in the future…

No, you shouldn’t…

You might think it’s special, but Loop is different. They might have been like you, but they aren’t anymore. You shouldn’t force them to do something they clearly don’t want to do.

Stars. It was bad enough that you used them the first time. You still don’t want to use anyone else, but does using Loop really make you any better of a person? Or were you making them think they were going to die just so you could have a little more peace of mind?

You need it to be Loop, you need them to tell you that you can’t do this every loop, because if you start slipping and needing them more, if you start needing the villagers and sating yourself every chance you can get like a blinding monster, then what was the point?!

Did you really have to force your own disgusting ideas on them? Make them drink your blood as if that would make what you do any fairer?! You’re a parasite, an inhuman thing walking in the skin of a real person, and you genuinely thought that dragging Loop back down to your level was a good thing?!

What is wrong with you???

“You aren’t a parasite,” Loop says firmly, snapping you out of your thoughts. “Or a monster, or anything like that. I’m here because I want to be. I’m here because I want to help you. You didn’t manipulate me into doing anything. I’m allowed to be convinced of something, and I thought…

“I thought it would help, after…”

Oh.

You still see it.

A hand, tightening.

That’s why, then. They could just be saying that, but you don’t know why they would lie. They’re more likely to not tell you something than lie to your face about it. They never told you that beating the King wouldn’t break the loops, after all. You were just stupid enough to assume it would be that easy.

You were just stupid enough to think you could be the hero.

If anyone deserves that title, you think it’s Loop.

“Thank you,” you say as you get off of Loop’s lap. Your knees hurt from being in one position for too long. You kick your legs out and pop them.

“You’re welcome.” Loop stands up and dusts themself off. They check the shade of the sky and sigh. “Well, this didn’t take as much time as I thought it did. You might be able to help your party again, this loop.”

Oh? That’s a relief. When you think you’re getting close to breaking the loops, you make sure to help everyone so that you can get out on a loop when they all love you.

It isn’t great, but your chest feels tight if you think about breaking the loops when they hate you. Besides, it’s easy to be useful to them once you’ve memorized how.

“You will need to be fast about it, though,” Loop says. “What are you waiting for? I’ll still be here, and if you need to talk in the House, you know how.” They make the ridiculous hand sign and put it up to where their ear would be.

You can call them in the mirror room if you need to talk to them about something important. It might be better to talk to them at a distance after what you’ve done.

You nod and walk away.

They gently wave you goodbye.

✧ Loop 54 ✧

Switch, key, mirror.

You lean against the silver, pressing your gloves against it. Your bare wrists itch. You want to touch it. You want something to make you feel real. You want your family to come in—no, no you don’t, that’s the last thing you want, don’t even think about it!

They might not be able to come in, but you have a few minutes to yourself now, as always.

Did you get it this loop?

You search your pockets.

Your fingers brush against paper, and you sigh with relief.

You shouldn’t be surprised. You could’ve walked ditches into Dormont if you weren’t looping. You have that first part of the loop edited down to a seamless script.

You pull out the friendship doodle and look at it as if it isn’t already burned into your mind. Every detail, memorized.

A static drawing of you and your friends.

The closest you’ll get.

You breathe in, and out, and gently hold the doodle up to the mirror.

You don’t have a great imagination, but if you focus, you think you can see it.

Mirabelle would love something like this. Maybe she had even heard of it, being in the House before it was taken over. She could have told everyone about the mirror and the specific Housemaiden who made it. She’d be smiling in the painting, hands clasped or folded, hiding her nervousness with bright eyes.

Isabeau knows more than you gave him credit for. He knows things even Odile doesn’t. If Loop hadn’t pointed out the switch to you, and if Mirabelle hadn’t heard of the mirror, he probably could have found it. He wouldn’t be surprised at all by the flash. He’d be beaming in the painting, striking a pose, trying to fill the room all by himself.

Odile would be interested in knowing more about the mirror. Maybe there’s some aspect of Vaugardian culture in mirrors that Mirabelle and Isabeau could explain to her. Something about changing that she would try to relate to. She’d be calm in the painting, standing tall, nothing escaping her notice.

Bonnie would be curious, taking their cues from Odile. If you taught them how to fight again, got them to like you, then they might stand closer to you. Maybe they would even grab onto your cloak. Something about the thought feels familiar. Did they do that before? You can’t…

…They’d be energetic in the painting, you think. Or trying to act like Odile. Or…

…

And you…

You could smile, if you kept your mouth closed.

You don’t trust yourself enough to show your teeth around your family right now.

Even now, you can hear them. Their breathing. Their heartbeats.

Ha. Hahaha!

It’s a good thing they don’t follow you into this room! If they did, you think you would have done something you would regret by now!

You’re breaking. You're failing. You’re rotting.

You can't sate your habit with any of the villagers, or you'll be hated.

You can't sate your habit with any of your family members, or you'll be hated.

You can't sate your habit with Loop again, because you know, you know, you know you have to make things even between the two of you.

You lean in closer. Your hat is knocked off of your head. Some of your stray hairs brush against the silver. Your forehead tingles.

You breathe in and out and in and out and in and out.

You make the secret hand sign and think about talking to Loop.

“Hello hello, Loop speaking! Thank you for calling! How may I--”

“I know what you meant now, Loop,” you cut them off in a single, hurried breath.

“...What I meant? What I meant by what?”

“When you said you were like a mirror. I thought you were just making something up, trying to throw me off, but I know what you meant now. All I've been doing is-- ha! Hahahahahaha!!! Reflecting! Get it?”

“Stardust--”

You drop the doodle and look into the empty mirror. “But there's nothing to reflect, is there? You said it yourself! I'm nothing. I'm not real. Not like they are. I'm here to help Mira. I stole Isa’s personality. Odile is the only reason I started looking in antique stores, trying to find something-- anything-- from that blinding place, and Bonnie, I just want to keep them safe, but I can't, I--”

“Stardust, breathe--”

“Any decent character trait I have is because of them, and I can't even hang onto those! I take away Mira’s victory every time I loop! I can't even remember basic cues! I can't remember where I came from, and I can't even keep Bonnie from--”

“Stardust! Breathe with me. Stop talking and breathe. In, and out.”

………You breathe in, and out.

“In, and out.”

You breathe in, and out.

“In… and out.”

You breathe in… and out.

You hear Loop breathing, too.

“You’re doing fine. You still have doors to open. You’re learning about the loops, and even if it doesn’t feel like it, you’re making progress. If you need something to focus on, focus on that.”

“...How can I focus on that when I’m not even--”

“You are real. You're the only real person in these blinding loops. Besides, we’re talking right now, aren’t we?”

You are, but it doesn’t feel like it’s actually happening. Everything feels distant, dream-like. Wouldn’t it be funny if this nightmare really was a nightmare? If you were only acting out that tired old trope of everything being inside of a character’s head?

If only you could be so lucky.

But it’s fine, isn’t it? It isn’t nightmarish. It isn’t something you’re growing to hate.

You’re still with your family.

You're still with Loop.

“That's right,” Loop says, their voice a refreshing buzz. “You're real. Do your breathing trick, get through this loop, and come by the Favor Tree when you can.”

You can do that. You're exhausted, and even if you keep getting your nap interrupted when you loop back to Dormont, you can at least get some rest with Loop.

It might not be the rest you would prefer, but it's close enough.

“...As much as I love our long-distance chats, I still get lonely! Come visit me! I want to see my stardust!”

It hasn't been that many loops since you've seen them, right?

You try to remember the last time you talked.

…

If you're having this much trouble remembering, then it can’t have been recent.

“I'll come by soon,” you say. “And, um, Loop?”

“Hm?”

“You're real, too.”

“.........I sure am!”

You don’t hear Loop’s voice anymore. Did they stop making the sign to talk?

…

It’s fine. You said what you needed to say.

You pick up the doodle from where it landed on the floor, put it back in your pocket, and step away from the mirror.

Back to it.

✧ Loop 67 ✧

Hunger.

You want to feel real. You want to feel warm. You want to feel.

You can't take a breath without sugar coating your tongue, your throat, your lungs.

If you could, you would have choked on it by now.

Instead, you watch as your body goes through the motions without you. You blink, and you're already done with setting up for the House.

If you found a stick and drove it into the dirt, you could calculate how long it takes you to do this. You could see if the sun makes the stick’s shadow change enough to even be noticeable, or if you truly go through the script in no time at all.

You could, but you…

No, you're missing something, there's measurements beforehand, marking each hour with…

…

No. No, it's already gone.

You tongue at the space where the memory used to be like it's a missing tooth.

You'll get used to it. You always do.

You'll forget that you even forgot, in a moment.

“...?”

What were you…?

“--dust?”

Where are you in the script?

“Stardust?”

You flinch violently. Loop is in front of you, waving a hand in front of your face.

“Can you hear me?”

Oh.

You nod. You must have…

Your feet just acted out what you've made them do tens of times before.

You can't remember a time when you snapped out of acting out a loop. Your memory is worth as much as the brain it's kept in, but the shock should have stuck with you, if nothing else.

Of course Loop noticed before you did. They can see you, even as you're fading at the edges.

“...Stardust. You can’t go on like this forever,” they say. “Doing the same things over and over, thinking that if you step out of your neat little script, you’ll do something you’ll regret.”

You feel more grounded as you go tense. Something hot settles in your stomach.

“What else am I supposed to do,” you hiss through clenched teeth. “I have to act like a person, Loop. When I get out of these loops, I need to be able to act normally.”

It’s just like touch therapy. You were able to practice with everyone and get more used to contact with others. At least, you used to. Now, you make do with Bonnie hugging you after you teach them how to fight.

You could practice with Loop, but they don’t want to accept any more offers from you. It’s for the best. If you get too close, you might…

Your vision narrows around Loop.

They notice. Of course they do. “At least take care of that habit of yours. You’ll be able to focus. If you need to repay me for it, then you can use that focus to break out of these loops for both of us.”

You clench your jaw.

They want you to bite them, but they don’t want to do the same to you.

It still doesn’t feel right. Your heart threatens to collapse in on itself.

But the black hole inside of you thrums. The thought of even having one swallow of blood fills your mouth with saliva. You’ve barely been able to choke down Bonnie’s snacks, and everything smells like burnt sugar, but could you sate your habit if you tried?

Your teeth throb, and your body tenses. You could run to Dormont and plunge your fangs into someone in a second. You’ve not only become stronger and faster, but you’ve also become good at forgetting.

You’ve forgotten names.

You’ve forgotten whole loops.

You’ve forgotten your past.

How easy would it be to forget crossing this line?

Maybe you already have, and you’ve just forgotten.

Agonizing over nothing at all.

You flinch hard and curl into yourself. No, that’s not right, if you had used one of the villagers or one of your family members to sate your habit, Loop would have commented on that. They would have said something by now about running off to someone else instead of offering themself up.

You haven’t crossed that line. You’re disgusting, you’re a monster, but you haven’t crossed that line.

You force yourself to relax and look back at Loop.

“So? Have you decided?” They raise an eyebrow at you.

“...Okay,” you say as you stand up.

Loop’s shoulders fall. “Oh, I was worried you were going to keep being stubborn, stardust! Here, we don’t need to make a production out of this,” they say, patting the spot next to them.

You sit down where you’re instructed to, and on your next breath, you’re sucker punched by sweetness. The scent has been strong, thickening every time you loop, but this is the worst it’s gotten. Every inhale seems to coat your lungs with powdered sugar and make it a struggle to breathe.

You have to resist the urge to cover your nose and mouth.

You have to resist the urge to tell Loop that you can’t do this.

Loop is letting you, and if you have to take them up on their offer in order to not lose your blinding mind, then fine.

Loop holds their arm out to you. Impersonal, an itch in the back of your head whispers, but it’s gone before you can chase it down. It doesn’t matter once the pulse of blood pounds into your skull.

Despite the scent, you can barely restrain yourself. Blood is blood, and before you can say anything, you’re looking at the stars on Loop’s arm up close as your fangs sink into their wrist.

Loop hisses with pain and clenches their hand, but you stay right where you are. You remove your fangs from them, form a seal around their wounds with your lips, and lap at—

Your stomach collapses in on itself as you choke on burning liquid sugar. You can’t tear yourself away from them fast enough, the scent, the scent, it’s drowning your tongue, strangling your throat, you turn away and gag and spit but it isn’t enough, you need it out!!!

“Stardust?!”

You feel Loop’s hand on your back, but they can’t do anything to help you. All they can do is watch as you choke, retch, and scrape at your tongue with your glove. Your eye is watering enough to make your vision blur. Sugary saliva spills from the corners of your mouth. Your fangs had hidden themselves away while you were busy choking, not even wanting to be out while coated in tooth-rotting sweetness.

You gasp, and the air comes in like shards of hard candy, cutting on the way down. It’s the difference between swimming during a storm and drowning in one, but at least you can keep your head above water.

You’re trembling. You only notice because Loop is still touching you. You feel breathless, exhausted, like you’ve run a circle around Dormont a thousand times.

Loop’s eyes are burning holes into you. Hunched over, you look up at them, only for your eye to snap to something glistening.

Lightless blood is still lazily bleeding out of Loop’s wrist.

You startle and cast Done Heal.

Loop startles and looks between you and their wrist.

“You--” they cut themself off and flick their wrist, spattering their blood onto the grass, “stars, if you hadn’t figured out I have a heart before, I would have found out from the heart attack you just gave me! What was that???”

The last thing you want to do right now is explain yourself. Why should you? How can they not tell? Is the strangling scent in the air something only you can sense?

Do you even have to ask? Of course it is. Your senses have become more and more freakish with each loop. But is there really nothing there that Loop can smell?

You sigh. “You know I’ve been getting stronger.”

Loop gives you a look. “Yes, stardust, I’m aware.”

“A-And everything… smells sweet. Tastes sweet.”

Loop stops giving you a look.

“You, uh. Smelled sweet, even before.”

Loop breaks eye contact and stares at their knees.

“...Ah. That makes sense,” they murmur.

You look away from them, but you can still feel their eyes on you. There doesn’t seem to be anything about your senses that you can tune out. Sounds are too loud. Scents are too strong. The black hole inside of you yawns wider as it realizes you’re being watched, because if something is watching you, then something is close enough for you to—

“Stardust.” Loop cuts off your spiral. “If sating your habit on me isn’t going to work anymore, then at least think about--”

“No.” You already know what they’re going to suggest, and your answer is no.

“You didn’t even let me--”

“No.”

“You know I’m not the only one you can do this with. There has to be someone else--”

You stand up.

They stand, too. “--in the village you can tolerate!”

You don’t want to hear any more of this.

You leave, only hearing Loop huff behind you.

✧ Loop 80 ✧

Switch, key, mirror.

You'll visit the star room again after this.

You can ask the Head Housemaiden about Wish Craft whenever you want.

Living in the loops, you don’t have to be anything. Your lines are memorized. Your blocking is perfect. Your expressions could use some work, but you’ll get to practicing them eventually.

Once you're out, you need to at least be able to pretend that you're a person.

A person has a history. A background, just like any fleshed-out character would have. They draw on it when they need to make difficult decisions, or they use it to add flavor to their dialogue instead of repeating the same hollow lines over and over again. A person’s history is something that anchors them in the story and gives them a reason to go on.

Yours is in the stars. If you keep looping back, if you look at the night sky enough times, if you can remember, then you'll be able to move on.

The night sky will stay when they don’t.

…

Getting to look at the stars with your family members is all you can really look forward to.

Even if there's something you can look forward to after Vaugarde is saved.

Your family members’ scents and heartbeats are engraved in your head by now. Your dreams have warped into nightmares of you drinking your fill of them.

So, you can look forward to putting as much distance between you and—

Your throat tightens. You think you feel a pressure behind your eye, a tear duct about to overflow, but nothing happens.

You… can't cry unless you’re choking on sugar.

It's fine.

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

It doesn’t matter whether an actor can cry on command or not. The audience is too far away to see tears.

But not the other actors. They’re on stage with you.

They'll act the same, because you act the same.

…

You make the hand sign to talk to Loop, and it's only when you hear the background noise of the Favor Tree that you remember you haven’t been talking to them.

Can’t even stick to your own edits.

You tense, preparing to get chewed out for being a coward and an idiot, but the voice you hear is anything but biting.

“Hello hello, Loop speaking! Thank you for calling! How may I help you!”

…

Oh. You get it now.

You can play along.

You would be doing the same thing in their shoes, after all.

“...”

But you don’t know what to say.

You aren’t sure you can say much of anything outside of your little script.

You’re tired.

You’re a terrible person.

You’re not a terrible person, because that would mean that you’re a person.

You’ve been ignoring Loop in favor of scrambling for scraps of yourself you know you’ll never be able to reclaim, just because it’s preferable to—

…

Ha. You can’t even finish that sentence in your thoughts, can you?

You can’t say anything. You can’t think of anything.

You’re nothing but a black hole.

“Stardust? If you keep standing around, your party is going to--”

You hear your voice in the distance. “They won’t.”

“...They won’t.” They sound like they don’t believe you.

“They won’t.”

“Why wouldn’t they?”

“They haven’t before.”

“...”

It makes sense. Why would they start now? Each loop has only been getting worse. They aren’t circles taking you back to where you once were, but spirals dragging you to the bottom of a bottomless pit.

You might be stupid, you might be blinded, but you still have one eye you can see with.

You’ve noticed how they refuse to touch you.

You’re too disgusting to even brush up against.

You’ve noticed the looks they’ve started giving you.  

They fear you.

“They’ll get suspicious at some point,” Loop says.

“They aren’t real,” you whisper. You don’t know why. It isn’t like they’ll ever hear you.

“They aren’t real?”

You vaguely remember Loop saying something about this. It feels familiar, at least. It was something about you being the only real person in the loops.

You barely accepted it then.

You think it's an unfunny joke now.

Your family—your troupe—isn't real, but in the way an actor playing their character isn't actually their character. There’s still a person underneath the role.

You don’t have that luxury.

“None of this is real.”

“But you can make it real,” Loop says.

Did you hear something else in their tone? An edge of concern?

“Look, stardust,” they continue, “there’s only so long you’re going to be able to stay in the loops like this. I don’t have to tell you how it wears you down. You’ve experienced enough of that for yourself.”

“I don’t want to be here, either.” At least, not for any longer than you have to be.

“Then what are you doing? It isn’t going to get better the longer you stay here.”

“...”

“Unless… you don’t think it’ll get better at all?”

“...”

“That’s it, isn’t it? You still haven't let yourself think about what comes after.”

“...”

You hear Loop sigh. The sound is drawn out, filling the dead air with a subtle tremble you can only pick up with your freakish hearing.

“Normally, I would let you drop this and move on, but you need to snap out of this rut you’re in. You need something. Anything that you can look forward to, after all of this.”

“But there’s a lot to--”

“Wrong answer, stardust! Don’t give me that when you weren’t able to follow it up last time. Unless you have an answer now?”

You stay silent for long enough that it’s an answer in and of itself.

“That’s what I thought,” they say. “Think about it, okay? Really think about it. You might think you have an eternity to figure it out, but you don’t. It doesn’t have to be anything world-shattering. It just has to be something.”

“...”

“...Well, that’s all I had to say! Call me more, stardust! Get out of there before your party starts thinking you’re dead!”

You nod, remember that Loop can’t see, and stop making the hand sign.

…

…It just has to be something.

When you break out of the loops, everyone will be free.

Everyone, including Loop.

You won’t get your hopes up, but you think it would be nice to introduce them to your family.

They’re annoying, and you don't know how to talk to them most of the time, but you shouldn't expect them to always be pleasant to talk to when you’re both trapped in time.

Besides, they’re… They’re right.

It's only a matter of time before you do something you won’t be able to take back, loops or no loops.

You don’t remember how you managed to restrain yourself before. How you could sate your habit without making every last muscle in your body lock up, becoming a cage of limbs for your prey. Maybe you never had that restraint in the first place, and it was dumb luck that got you this far.

Maybe you’ll just do something you won’t be able to take back the moment you break out of the loops.

…

No, you can’t think like that, you need to…

You need…

You need a limit. You need to let your family change. You need to remember that they even can change.

This is loop eighty, you think, counting the ones you don't fully remember and had acted out from the script.

You can stop before you hit a hundred. Loop ninety-nine, then. That would be a good one to end things on.

Before leaving the mirror room, you make a promise to yourself. No matter what you are or aren’t able to learn about the stars, about your country, about yourself, you’ll break out of the loops before your hundredth loop.

If not for yourself, then for them.

✧ Loop 100 ✧

“This was... not the nicest thing you could've said? To... any of them?”

Loop rubs their arms as if they’re trying to warm up.

You wonder if it’s cold out. You don’t feel cold. You don’t feel anything.

You feel your stomach twist itself into knots—you can’t believe you said all of those terrible things, you backstabber, you snake, you monster.

Don't think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.

“Does it matter?” you ask.

“Well... Um… Yes? Why wouldn't it matter?”

You stare at the spot Isabeau stands in before you drive him away. “They'll come with me to the House anyway. They’ve always done it before.”

“...Okay, but…”

Nope, your turn! “But it really doesn't matter! Because I've found it, Loop!!!”

“Found it? Found what?”

Your fake smile turns into something raw. “How to break this loop! How to escape!!!”

“What?! But--”

Your turn! “I’m here to play my role! All this time, I've been fighting against this blinding hunger when I shouldn’t be!”

You give Loop a chance to come in with a line, but they keep quiet, only managing to stare at you with wide eyes. Wow, it really is your turn to talk! You’re actually getting something you want, even if it’s something as stupid as talking over Loop!

Your fangs unsheathe themselves, almost cutting your lip with how quickly they grow. “Doesn’t it make sense? I was being stupid before, thinking that just because I’m the one in the middle of all of this, that somehow makes me, what, the protagonist? Me?”

You laugh! It sounds awful, like you’re losing your mind, but you can’t stop yourself now. Not anymore. “I’m here to be the monster nobody else can be! I’m here to kill the King!”

Loop tenses up. “Stardust-- they’re going to find out if you start ‘playing your role’ here, you can’t--”

“They won’t! They stay away when I go to the mirror room, so they’ll stay away when I do what needs to be done!”

“That’s--” Loop makes a strangled noise, “do you think that they’ll abandon their quest that easily? That they won’t go to fight the King no matter what?”

“I’m faster than them,” you say, fingers already positioned to snap. You don’t want to be apart from them for too long, but they don’t need to know what happens backstage.

Loop breathes in, touches their fingertips together, and breathes out. “Okay, assuming that you can even make it to and kill the King before they catch back up with you, what would it actually do? How is defeating him on your own related to anything you’ve learned about the loops?”

“How is it not? You said they were connected to my emotions, didn’t you?”

That feeling where you don’t think you can go on… Would you still feel it if you were in your proper role? If you could get into character for long enough, couldn’t that break the loops?

“Yes, but…” Loop looks at you, then turns away. The very sight of you is too much for them. “Stardust, I can say with certainty that that’s not it. It has to be something else…”

You don’t care if they won’t look at you. You glare at them with a narrowing pupil. “Why?”

“...You’ve listened to my theories before. Please, just listen to me now when I tell you that this isn’t the answer.”

You grit your teeth. “But we haven’t even tried, how can you know unless we try?”

“...”

“How can you say this with certainty? How can you say any of this with certainty?”

“...”

“Do you know something?”

Your vision constricts to Loop and Loop alone. As they turn back to face you again, you see your own reflection in their frightened eyes. They look like they’re staring down a rabid dog.

“N-No! I don't know any more than you, stardust!!! It's just... I know that's not it.”

…

“It has to be something else that's causing the loops, something else that can break them. Something--”

You stand up so fast you feel dizzy. Your vision is nearly lightless. You lean in, hovering over Loop, baring your teeth, looking the part of the monster you know you are.

“Then what else, Loop?!? What else am I supposed to do? What else am I supposed to try?!”

You’re floating above your own body.

“Should I make everyone come with me?! Should I rely on the power of love?!”

Your voice is as saccharine as the sugar clogging your throat. It’s all you can inhale; it’s all you can throw back up.

“Should I talk to the King?! The Head Housemaiden?!”

The vision of their blood on your tongue comes to you whether you want it or not.

“Should I kill them?! Should I kill everyone in Dormont?!”

You killed everyone just to play along with Loop’s theory, and you didn’t even get to sate yourself doing it!

“Should I die???”

You can't!!!

“What?! What else is there?! Haven’t I done it all?!”

You’re dragged back down into your body by the growing weight in the pit of your stomach.

“There’s nothing else, Loop!!! I know it's stupid, I know it’s a long shot, but it has to be this!!! It has to be this, Loop, or-- or--”

You fall to your knees. The ground doesn't feel real. Loop isn't looking at you anymore.

"Or, or does it mean-- It means-- It means I'm stuck here for good, aren't I?"

You look up at Loop.

"Forever?"

They still aren’t looking at you.

No. “You think I'm stuck here forever.”

Oh, that gets them to look.

“What? N-No, I--”

Something alive is curled up in your stomach. “Loop. You knew.”

It stretches out, clawing you from the inside. “You knew this whole time.”

Spiteful, growing, starving. “You knew this whole time there was no escape.”

You want to be proven wrong. You want Loop to get mad at you. You want to see their eyes crinkle as they cheerily point to a solution you’re too stupid and blinded to see.

But you aren’t disappointed when Loop trembles instead. The thing inside of you licks its lips and wonders if they’ll run.

“Stardust…” Even Loop’s voice is shaking.

Your hands have found your hair. Your scalp burns with each tug, but it pulls your mind away from everything you’ve been trying not to think.

Tug. “No, no, no, no, no, no…”

“S-Stardust, I…”

Tug. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I-I didn’t… I was b-brought here to help you, and-- And I thought, if I was here, we could--”

Tug. “You knew there was no way to break the loops?”

“I thought that if we tried, together, w-we'd--”

“You knew,” you say through grit teeth—if you open your mouth too much like this, you might do something you’ll regret, if regret is something the thing inside of you can even feel.

But they knew, they knew, your body shakes with it like the bars of a cage, rattling with it, shattering with it!

“You knew!!!!!! You knew you knew you knew you knew you knew you knew you knew this entire time!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Stardust--”

“Did you have fun, Loop? Was it entertaining, at least? Was it funny? Did you like watching me run around in circles, hoping, wishing?

“Did you like the show?!?”

…

You aren’t sure what you look like right now, but…

Your cheeks are straining against your disgusting smile, fake and filled with too many teeth.

Loop looks at you with an expression you can’t read.

“No,” they say, steady but small. “No, I didn’t like to watch this at all.”

…

“Curse you, Loop.”

Loop breathes in, and out. “Stardust… I…”

…

“I’m sorry… I really am…”

…

“But please, stardust-- Siffrin!!! If we think, if we go through it all again, we can--”

You don’t have time for this.

The Clocktower.

You smell nothing but burnt sugar and blood. You’re late; they’ve already finished eating.

You need to join them and act human this time, so you can all go to the House together tomorrow.

You can be a good monster and save your habit for the King. You can make it on your own, defeat him on your own.

Even if you have to be separated by a curtain, you just want them by your side.

✧✧

You’re alone.

Right is left.

You’re alone.

Up is down.

You’re alone.

Rooms that were always the same, the same, the same are bleeding in front of you, doors don’t lead where they should, everything is changing, you’re changing, cracked open and poured over lightless stone, and you’re alone, why are you alone?

You know the answer to that, don’t you?

You already wanted this, didn’t you?

To defeat the King on your own?

No, no, no, not like this, you want them, you miss them!

But you don’t deserve them, do you?

Not when you’re like this, you don’t.

You’ve tried Siffrin, the Traveler. You’ve tried Siffrin, the Wanderer. You’ve tried Siffrin, the Person.

You haven’t tried Siffrin, the Monster.

…

You’re watching your own body as it dances from Sadness to Sadness. You kill with blows powerful enough to make their liquid bodies paint the floor in long strokes. You don't bother calling your attacks anymore. There are neither actors on the stage for you to talk to, nor is there an audience to hear you.

Even with how quickly you can kill, you aren’t actually going any faster. You’re losing time to your own broken mind. You would almost think that none of this is real, if it didn’t feel so agonizing.

When you walk, you hear their footsteps behind you.

When you enter snack break rooms, you see afterimages of your actors.

When you pick up a book out of habit, you hear their voices.

Half-automatic, half-aware.

Switch, key, that blinding mirror.

You turn away from it, key already in your pocket, but you don't walk back to the door.

You don't know if you'll be able to come back here.

Not that you want to.

…

You face the mirror.

No, you need to be fast. No more wasting time. You need to kill the King as quickly as possible and get out of this nightmare.

You turn away from the mirror.

…

You face the blank mirror.

Fine. Fine!!!

Even with the House the way it is—your mind the way it is—you can’t keep yourself from sticking to your script.

So, you might as well get a monologue in while you can.

You're cold. You're sad. You're ravenous.

You're a monster.

And if you weren't before, you're about to be.

You could hear the King’s pulse a town away, if anywhere other than Dormont existed!

You think about it every time you carve into a Sadness. You want their bodies to be his armor, their tears to be his blood.

You want to rip him limb from limb for what he did to everyone, to Bonnie, to you, you want to drench the room in his blood and bathe in it, you want to drain him dry and eat his flesh and crack his bones!

Ahh, you don’t know when, but your fangs came out by themselves.

It’s not your cue yet, so you retract them.

…

You retract them.

…

You retract them.

…

…You run your tongue along the sharpened tips.

Maybe you could hold yourself together better if you weren’t alone, but you messed that up just like everything else.

And yet.

You’re alone.

You don’t have to hold yourself together.

No, you have to, you need to, if you rip your way out of your costume like this you’ll never be able to put it back on, stop it, stop it, stop it!

You stop thinking about tearing into Sadnesses with your bare hands.

You stop thinking about rushing up to the King and cutting his neck open.

You stop thinking about your actors catching up to you and—

…

You hear it before you feel it.

Something shattered in front of you.

Spiderweb cracks coat the mirror, spreading out from the center where it is met by your fist.

You pull your hand away slowly, disbelievingly, but the shards cut through your glove.

The silver burns your skin and draws your blood.

You’re bleeding in that visceral shade.

Doesn’t it only appear when something’s breaking?

Something lets out a single, choked “ha!”

It’s you.

How stupid could you be, thinking you could control yourself? That you could rewrite a script you have no choice but to follow?

Holding back is as much of a habit as everything else in the loops.

You’re supposed to be a monster.

Play your role.

Kill the King.

And then…

…

Your chest squeezes tightly to hold your breaking heart together.

Take a bow, when everything’s done.