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Leonardo took an excited bite of ice cream pizza. The cheesy-gushiness filled his mouth, and he held his cheek with a hum of delight. The icy treat had softened the hard crust in a way that was too perfect. “Isn’t this great! Splinter is here to stay!” His voice, beyond chipper.
Splinter’s kind reassurances echoing in his mind. Relief filling his heart.
“Um.. Yeah... G—Great!” Raphael’s gaze snapped up to him like he had been distracted. He smiled. But it came out strained, and wobbled like it was seconds from falling.
Leonardo paused before his bite, his eyes immediately furrowed in concern. “You ok Raphael?” He lowered his slice, making the others pause.
“Yeah, you don’t look too green there.” Donatello leaned forward, voice as calm and monotonous as usual.
“Amigo?” Michelangelo frowned, letting the whole pizza in his hands hang.
“Oh! Yeah, yeah! I just—” He stood, chair scraping against the floor. “…Need a moment.” His smile faltering, just as he turned to leave. Leonardo barely catching the expression he tried to hide.
“Raphael?”
The turtle in red crossed his arms as he bowed his head. His face falling into an obscure shadow.
“Raphael! What’s wrong?!” Leonardo leapt to his feet, reaching out for him. “Raphael!” Chasing him down sewer brick halls until Raphael came to a stop outside their rooms.
“…Raphael? You— alright…?”
“I’m peachy.” Raphael snapped. Yet he didn’t look at him, his back still turned.
“You wouldn’t leave for no reason.” Leonardo’s face softened, in a way that seemed like he was more of a younger sibling than a leader. “What’s going on?”
There was a pause before he spoke, a hesitance. “…What if he only decided to stay because the mutagen wore off?” His voice barely above a whisper. Leonardo could see the way Raphael’s shoulders tensed, and the subtle way he trembled.
Leonardo laughed nervously, his chuckles broken and empty. “Is that— What this is all about?” The boyscout forcibly smiled brighter. “He wouldn’t desert us! You heard him!” He stepped closer, waving his hand as if it’d clear the tension in the air, “Now come on. We have a pizza to finish!”
“Would he?” Raphael shot back, meeting his eyes with a piercing, distraught gaze. It froze Leonardo in place, right with his heart. “Why did he even care? Why did he want to turn back at all?”
“What— What do you mean? Master Splinter— he— he said he preferred being a rat! That he was glad the anti-mutagen wore off! Because then he made it in time to save us!” Leonardo swung his arms about, a lace of panic in his words. As if something inside him was crumbling.
“Yeah! After ‘seeing how humans treat each other’!”A bleak chuckle left his lips. “Ya call that a reason? Gimme a break!” Raphael brought the edge of his palm to his eye to rid him of the tear threatening to fall.
“Raphael!” Leonardo’s gaze turned stern. “I will not have you bad mouth our Sensei!”
“Or what? Have you forgotten just who we are?” He snapped back. “Sensei this. Sensei that! Don’t you see that’s the problem!” Raphael touched his plastron where his heart would be. “He doesn’t even call us his sons!” The tears fell harder. His throat choking up. “Just students. Does he—,” Raphael dug his palms into his eyes, desperate to remove the tears. “—still think we’re his pets in some way?”
“Raphael— That’s not true.” Leonardo took a hesitant, heavy step forward. “Come on.”
Raphael pulled away, hugging himself close.
“Have you even thought about it?” Raphael looked scared, eyes blown wide, “What happens if he does turn human, huh? For real. Decides he can handle a ‘few rude people’?” He held himself tighter. “He’ll leave the sewers! Buy a little blue house. And what? Leave us here! We’re not human. He’s human! And we’re not!”
Leonardo found it hard to speak, his throat tight.
Splinter wouldn’t. …Right?
“Isn’t it obvious? He’d— He’d come back for us. Or— We’d live with him!” Leonard felt himself longingly reaching for his brother. “The people don’t mind us too much. A little disguise when we go out and it’d be right as rain!”
Raphael stepped back, away from him. “Leonardo. Face it! We don’t belong in their world!”
Things were going so wrong. His words weren’t getting through. It was like…
“W—we… all knew the risks. We just, wanted to make him happy.”
…They were fighting in that subway all over again.
“Of—COURSE I wanted him to be happy! I just, want him to be happy with US!” Raphael desperately pointed at himself with the tips of his fingers.
Leonardo took a deep shaky breath, closing his eyes for a small moment.“If he decides to go. That’s his choice.” Somehow. That didn’t seem like the right words to say.
And he knew it wasn’t when Raphael’s tears kept falling.
“…What’s wrong with this? Being here with us. Like this?” Raphael spoke softly, as he brought his three fingered hands to his eyes, wiping at his tears.
Leonardo stepped forward. “He loves us. You know this.” grabbing his wrists in his hands and prying them away from his face. Letting the tears fall down his brother’s cheeks.
“Yeah, well, I’m not sure I do.” Raphael pulled away harshly. And, in a split moment, he was turning around and dashing off.
“Raphael?” Leonardo’s eyes widened. His hand faltered, hanging in the sudden lonesome air. “Raphael!” Volume scratching his throat. He didn’t notice how his breath picked up. The emptiness seemed to echo in the cold, damp sewer. Something about it made a striking fear creep up in his chest.
Gentle scraping brushed across the ground.
Leonardo jerked his head around, seeing Michelangelo and Donatello standing there. He had to calm his breathing before he spoke. “..Do you think this too?”
Michelangelo looked away, rubbing his arm. “Well, we’ve thought about it… It’s not like he talks about it.” He sounded defeated.
Donatello spoke more pointedly, waving a hand out from his crossed arms. “Why can’t he have just accepted he wasn’t gonna be human? What’s wrong with being us?”
Leonardo was lost on what to say. “…Michelangelo?” Leonardo looked at him for help, pleading.
Michelangelo rubbed his head guiltily. “I mean, they do treat us differently. It just makes sense for Splinter to see us different too. I guess…”
“He wasn’t a rat though! Or a turtle. Just... Human! It’s gotta be... hard.” Leonardo’s hand clenched at his chest. “I don’t know. It just doesn’t—. It’s just gotta—…” Turning his bowed head away. “…not feel right.” Leonardo shook his head, “I— Gotta find Raphael.” Quickly moving to leave.
“You really think that’s gonna help?”
Leonardo stopped mid step at the cold tone, turning to Donatello. “Excuse me?” His eyes widened, as if he couldn’t believe what he just heard.
“We can’t change anything. The fact is we’re different from Splinter and everyone.” He stated it logically, like it was a statement of existence. “They won’t ever REALLY care about us because of it.”
Now it was Donatello looking at the ground. “Maybe we should’ve used the anti-mutagen on ourselves…”
“Donatello?”
“Dude?”
Leonardo and Michelangelo stared at him in disbelief.
“Why not?” Donatello’s voice rose sharply. “We don’t belong in this world!”
Leonardo raised his hands placatingly. “H-Hold on! Let’s not get into any rash thinking!”
“Well maybe I just want to be a turtle!” Donatello glared. “A normal! Pet! TURTLE!”
Leonardo balked. “Donatello, you don’t mean that! Say you don’t!”
“There’s no way you do!” Michelangelo swallowed. “…R—right?”
“Yeah well—! Maybe I do!” Donatello shouted, “We’re freaks of nature! The humans don’t treat us like we belong! Is it so much to ask for a little appreciation for saving everybody?”
Donatello's gaze fell, “I don’t—. It makes me feel…” gripping his arms. “ill placed…”
“…Dude.” Michelangelo's eyes were crestfallen.
A sadness in his eyes. “We don’t belong anywhere…”
“Hey.” Michelangelo placed a hand on Donatello’s shoulder. “I’m sure that’s not true. We belong right here! With each other!” Grinning brightly at him, “‘Sides, Splinter came back, right! That must mean something!”
Leonardo lit up at this, like it was a new idea, like it was all he needed to hear. “Michelangelo’s right! As long as we have each other! We’ll pull through!”
Don’t think about if they didn’t—. Don’t—
“With... Or without Master Splinter.” He took a deep shaky breath. “Splinter will still be with us in the lessons he taught us!” Leonardo marched onward, a newfound determination guiding his steps. “And Raphael needs to know this too!”
“Why is that the takeaway from this?” Donatello mumbled under his breath, and Michelangelo gave him a sympathetic look as they both followed their leader.
Leonardo rapped his knuckles against the brick wall. “Raphael?” Staying behind it to give some level of privacy despite the very open entrance. “You— doing alright?” He peeked his head over the doorway, his hands gripping its sides.
“Go away.” Raphael cradled his knees on his bed, back turned to them.
Donatello held Leonardo back. “Let me talk to him. I know what he’s feeling.”
Leonardo gently removed Donatello’s hand from his shoulder. “Please. Let me do it.” The turtle in blue stepped onto the ledge, the room cold and dark from the lack of light. Standing tall, as a leader should.
“How do you do that? I yelled at you. Was rude to you!” Raphael wondered as he approached.
“I know you.” Leonardo sat down next to him, sinking into the mattress. “You’re the most sensitive out of all of us.” Resting his hand on Raphael’s arm. “Come on. Talk to me?”
Raphael didn’t look him in the eye.
“I get it. I suppose I wouldn’t want to—.” Leonardo rubbed his arm. “Just please, talk.” Looking downcast.
“Raphael, please—!” His voice growing more fraught. “I need my brothers. I need all of you! I need us to get along!” His throat hiccuped.
No— don’t start—
“You three— Master Splinter— You’re all I haaave!”
The memory of the subway fight played back in his mind. One mission chasing after Shredder, one without Splinter.
“…Leonardo?”
He remembered throwing his swords down at Michelangelo. Ducking his head from his chucks. They were never so angry.
Leonardo broke down, overcome with emotion as his body wretched forward with anxious fear. “I’m just—. Trying my beeest here!” Shouting as he covered his eyes. “I don’t— I don’t know what to dooo!”
Donatello and Raphael fighting right next to them, spouting insults at each other. April shouting at them to stop as they were split apart. Is this what happens to us? Will we start fighting at each other's throats?
“H—hey! Don’t do that!” Raphael spun around, reaching for his brother. “Y—you’re right. I’m— I’m just scared! I don’t want to lose him!”
Leonardo felt a soft touch, and another, and another, pair of hands, landing on his shoulders.
“We don’t want to lose him either, bud.” Michelangelo crouched over him, a look of dear panic on his face.
“Of course not. We’re incapable of being creatures devoid of emotion.” Donatello stated plainly.
“Yeah! What Donatello said!” Michelangelo cried out.
“S—Sorry,” Leonardo forced his head up strong. “A leader shouldn’t be putting his team throu—”
“Hey, hey! None of that.” Donatello interrupted, looking like he’d fight him if he finished his words.
Michelangelo watched as Leonardo collected himself. “Bud? …You alright?” His fingers lingered on his shoulder, afraid to leave him be.
Leonardo sniffed. “Yeah, I’m— I’m fine.”
“Doesn’t seem very fine to me.” Michelangelo argued.
He sighed. “I’m—” Tense lines under his eyes. He never looked so tired, “It’s hard to explain.”
“Try us.”
“I just— I respect Master Splinter’s judgment. He— He’s done right by us. I can't force him to stay. If he doesn’t want to… But…” His hands curled in his lap, shaking.
“Why does it have to be so haaard!” Leonardo wailed as the tears suddenly fell. “I—I want to do right by him! Be a good leader for you guys! I want to make you proud!” Desperate to keep his face clean as he rubbed frantically at his eyes.
“I—I! Can’t! See him go!” Bowing his head and pressing his palms into his eyes. “I love you all so much!” An odd, ugly, shrill turtle wail escaped him. A croaking sound.
His heart. Seemed to be beating far too much, more than he could take. He gasped, unable to breathe. His chest hurt. His heart hurt.
“Hey hey! Stay with me Leonardo!” Hands were on his wrist.
“Easy in. Eaasyyyy out.”
“Try counting to 10.”
He took in a sharp breath. A gross smacking sound from mucus in his throat rang out. The leader took in another deep breath.
Slowly. Slowly his chest eased.
“Theeeree we go. There’s our fearless leader.”
“Mondo tubular come back.”
“…Give yourself a few more seconds.”
Leonardo took another deep breath.
Donatello spoke. “See? We’re all doing better!” Smiling nervously, “We’re staying right here. This is nothing like how we fought because of Shredder’s dumb device.”
“Yeah! It was that bogus machine that messed with our minds and junk!” Michelangelo twiddled his fingers in the air. “We wouldn’t fight like that for real!”
Raphael snickered, seeing the opportunity. “Speaking of, you’re not gonna call me a wimp again, are ya?”
“Eh.” Donatello smiled. “Not as long as you don’t call me a nerd.” He shrugged. “Or if it’s not deserved.”
“Now what is that supposed to mean?” Raphael asked incredulously.
“It means that if that had been a real fight, I’d have left you running!” Donatello closed his eyes and raised his chin cockily.
“Wanna bet?” Raphael lunged forward, locking him in a headlock.
“Try me.” Donatello caught Raphael in a headlock of his own.
Leonardo chuckled. “Alright, alright! Ease up before you two actually get hurt!”
Donatello blew a raspberry at him, his arms still locked loosely around Raphael’s neck.
Leonardo closed his eyes as he let out a breath, “Thank you.” opening them in acceptance. “I know he might leave. But— Splinter cares about us. I know it. I—WE. Have to have faith in that.”
“My students? What is wrong? Why are all the lights off?” They all looked his way, surprised to see Splinter standing there.
“Master Splinter?”
“Leonardo? Raphael? Have you been crying?” Splinter walked in, concern etched on his muzzle. His cane tapped against the brick floor as he approached the bed, before he crouched down to be eye level with them.
“Well ugh— yes…” Leonardo’s hands gripped the bed as his gaze fell, his beak clenched tight. “We—! …You won’t leave us... R—right, Master Splinter?” His gaze searching for something as he looked into his teacher’s eyes.
Splinter’s eyes widened. “Ohhhh….” He let out a hum of understanding, placing down his cane.
“I may not be around forever. But today is not that day. Nor tomorrow. Or the next. You all will have me.” Placing a fur hand on his head. “For as long as I can stand.” Turning to look at Raphael with just as much reassurance.
“But— We’re different. We’re not— …Human.” Leonardo’s gaze shifted away, resigned to all their doubts.
“Do you not feel the gentle breeze of the crisp air?” Frail rat fingers took hold of his hands. “Do you not have joy in your hearts?” Leonardo’s widened gaze fixated on the gentle grip. “Or dream? Are you not shedding tears, from the fear that you don’t belong?” Splinter placed a hand to the back of Raphael’s head and pulled the two in close.
“You are no different.” His arms wrapped across their shells. “If there’s one thing I need you to understand, It’s this.”
“Now, come.” Splinter spread an arm out to Donatello and Michelangelo. “There’s plenty of room for all of you in these old arms of mine.” His eyes crinkled at the edges, smiling fondly at them.
Donatello and Michelangelo rushed in, tears digging at their eyes. Knocking them all to the ground, and hugging Master Splinter with all their little hearts.
“My sons.” Splinter’s face resting against their shells.“I’ve… learned a lot during my time as a rat. As much as I longed to be a part of the human world, I cannot bear seeing a world that judges you, as they have judged me.”
Leonardo sucked in a breath, digging his fingers into his Father’s robes.
“When I have four small individuals that see. All of me.” His brothers clenching their eyes and Splinter, just as tightly as him.“I’m… sorry if I ever made you feel like I wouldn’t give up every part of me for you boys.”
At some point, they all fell together in a pile, resting against the wall. Splinter’s soothing touch running across their shoulders and caressing their shells in tender embrace. As a father would.
They remained there so long that Leonardo felt his eyes growing heavy. He fought to keep them open for a moment, but his eyelids fell close. If he’d been aware of it, he’d have noticed his brothers and Splinter had also fallen fast asleep. Gentle breaths filled the air. Gentle hands gripping Splinter in the little pile they had made.
Never letting go.
