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“….”
What… happened…?
Where.. am I?
Why does everything hurt so bad?
…can’t ..see
can’t.. think…
“….er”
Huh?
“et….r”
The voice feels familiar..
He tries to open his eyes, but his body fails him.
“..ter!”
..who could it be? I thought I was alone..
Was I alone?
“..pete..!”
“PETER!”
He slowly gains awareness, prying his perpetually tired eyes open. Disoriented and lost, he tries to get a glimpse of his surroundings. He gazes into the glossy eyes in front of him.
“mm…Matt..?”
Matt? Why is Matt here?
Where are his glasses?
..He seems worried, but why?
Why can’t I remember anything?
Matt seems to be more relaxed now, but his heartbeat is still beating faster than Peter’s ever heard it.
Is Matt… crying?
At first, Peter passed it off as sweat, but Matt’s eyes were reddish and tears bunched up at the edges. He’d never seen Matt like this ever. He wondered what could have happened, Matt’s not the type to cry over nothing.
“Matt.. Are you okay?”
Matt rubs the corners of his eyes,
“Am I okay?? Peter, what really matters is are you okay? Do you have any idea of how scared I was? I walked into an apartment filled with the scent of death!”
He whispers it low, as if speaking it out loud were to make it true,
“I thought you died.. in my apartment and I could do nothing to help..”
Tears well up in his eyes as he says this.
“Peter, you could have died! I didn’t even see the signs! All I know is that when I came back from the office, the taste of iron was so strong. I thought it was .too late, that I failed to keep you safe.”
“Why didn’t you tell me anything? I could have at least prevented some of this!”
He vaguely gestures towards Peter’s mutilated body
“I.. I don’t.. I don’t know..”
“I don’t even remember what happened…”
Peter tries to take in more of his surroundings. His eyes trail down to where Matt gestured, slowly, as if it would stop Peter from seeing what he did to himself
He notices the blood everywhere. Seeping into the tile, staining his clothes and the surroundings. He vaguely registers the towels wrapped around his arms, because all he can see is the red, red, Red, Red, RED.
REDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDREDRED
Red like his hands.
Red like the pavement.
Red like the body in his arms.
Red like the bullet wound.
Red like Uncle Ben.
Red like May’s body as she bled out.
Red like the rage he felt towards the Green Goblin
Red like watching so, so, so many people bleed out in his arms.
Red like the rage he feels towards himself.
Peter thinks distantly that the red surrounds all the bad things that happen in his life. Maybe the red would allow Peter to finally rest.
Ha! As if that would ever happen. The world hates Peter Parker.
…
…
Ahh.. I want to die…
But the world won’t even allow me to do that in the way I want.
He thinks that Matt is trying to talk to him again.
“Peter..”
“Please tell me what’s going on in your head. I can’t help you if you don’t open up to me. Did something happen that led you to this?”
“Honestly, I don’t even know at this point. I think this attempt has been a long time coming.. My mind is so jumbled up I can’t ever focus anymore. Not even on things I’m interested in..”
“I’m just so tired Matt… I feel so empty all the time..”
Peter chokes on his words and starts tearing up. He doesn’t know why he’s getting so upset over this. He can handle worse than describing dumb feelings
“Lately food has been bland and unflavorful. My limbs have long since grown tired, always wanting rest I cannot give them. There’s no escape for me ever, not even in sleep. I can’t even sleep properly because every time I close my eyes all I see is red.”
“I force food down my throat because I know I cannot do the things I do as Spider-Man without sustenance. But I can’t go on any longer like this.. I’ve regularly been skipping meals, so much so that it’s been hindering my abilities. I let myself get beat up by criminals I can easily stop because I deserve it..”
Matt frowns, not quite understanding what Peter’s saying,
“What do you mean you deserve it?”
Peter cannot stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks. He doesn’t want to explain it to Matt. Matt probably thinks he’s a dumb child for this stupid situation anyways, so he doesn’t see the point in hiding it.
“Don’t you get it, Matt? I’m so useless.. I can’t even save anyone as Spider-Man, let alone myself. Stupid Peter Parker thinks he can be a hero, but he only makes everything worse. Attaches himself only to be a burden on others. It’s better off just not to be in contact with me.. anyone who does just dies in the end. Why can’t I just die already..”
Peter rests his head on his knees, not having the energy to real care about what Matt thinks.
“Hey, don’t say that. Peter you’re not a burden, I swear to you. I need you to know that I’m here because I want to be here, and because I care about you. You can’t always save everybody, you know that? I know it’s not your fault, and that your death would just lead to more suffering. Many people would be upset if you died, but most importantly, you have to live for you! Living for others will never satisfy you, you have to learn to live for yourself first, so that no matter what happens, you come first.”
“Peter, just know that I am here for you, and I would hate to see you die. I will do everything in my power to make you want to live. Death is not the way out, no matter how pleasing it seems.”
Peter sniffles as he tilts his head upwards.
“I’m sorry Matt. Do you truly want to stick with me? Even though I curse everyone I love?”
“Peter, of course I will. And don’t even think about blaming yourself if anything happens. If something ever were to happen to me, it would be because of my stupid decisions, and not yours. You don’t curse the ones you love, everyone just loves you so much that they are willing to sacrifice for you. I know the Peter that I know is so kind, brave, heroic, and many other things. That is the person I will sacrifice myself for over and over again. Because I love you, and you are precious to me.”
Tears keep falling as Peter holds onto Matt in a tight embrace, as if Matt would disappear when he let go.
“I love you too Matt. Please don’t die for me.”
“I can’t make any promises about that, but I can promise you that if I sacrificed myself for you, it would be for good reason. It wouldn’t be your fault, only mine.”
“Don’t leave..”
“I’ll stay with you until the Devil himself pries me away.”