Archive of Our Own ^beta

Let it be said that Timothy Jackson Drake always had the worst luck.

His first memory being the death of his brother's parents, his father dying just as they were fixing their relationship, or getting dumped by Bernard because his then boyfriend thought that he was fuck-buddies with his own alter ego were some of the apparently never ending evidence proving his point to his dismay.

(He liked being right, but not that much!)

As he had been rightfully criticized as being an overachieving self-sabotaging asshole by several people on multiple occasions, Tim had to aim to please by wrecking his oddly peaceful life by actually getting in a casual sexual relationship with his best friend's clone/brother (evil twin?), hookup with his former dormmate turned good leader of an evil cult and have a one night stand (more than one actually) with the actual Ghost King. 

For once in his life since he put on the kevlar pants, his life had been fine.

Nothing was burning, no evil future self that kept him awake at night with existential crises on his not-as-Batmanlike moral compass as he or even Batman himself would like (Shout out to Captain Boomerang for bringing out the worst in him!).

All of his ghosts and monsters in the closet were as absent as they could be. 

This was not the case for the rest of his family, as he came to learn through friendly reconnaissance and less friendly catch-ups.

Cass, Dick, Jason and Bruce were dealing with their stubborn-er villain gallery mainly on their own.

As Tim had come to learn with his own criminal gallery that he had unwittingly and unwillingly assembled during his vigilante career, villains could get very possessive of their self-proclaimed nemesis.

There were unspoken rules that were more or less tacitly understood, and it could get very explosive if they felt that the rule was violated, uncaring of any resulting damage, civilian or not. 

Duke was still handling the fallout of the reveal of his parentage.

It wasn't every day one would discover that their biological father was an evil magical entity, it was just more common than one would like in their line of work.

So common in fact that there were legitimate contingency plans for this turn of events since Trigon had first caught the Titans unaware years ago.

Oh! Maybe he could connect Duke and Raven, he imagined she would have helpful personal insights in this case.

He shoots Duke a quick text and notes to bring his brother with him the next time he went to the Tower. 

Damian was prepubescent with raging mommy issues. Nothing more needs to be said.

Hell, even Alfred was getting used to being alive again after Tim had cashed in a favor with Klarion. 

His "dingy" boat had been the only haven of peace in his family, physically and spiritually, even.

Tim was well-adjusted and thriving until Jason's crow mouth had ruined it all after he had NOT smugly informed them of this fact, no matter what Steph or Jason claimed. 

Now, thanks to Jason's weird reality altering curses, he was a teenage father. (Robins : 0 Teenage Pregnancy : 2) 

Note to himself : Investigate if Jason got more than glowing swords from his time in the magical cult.

Getting an arguably male presenting evil clone of his best friend/Ghost King/Cult Leader pregnant when he had no idea either one of them even had the arsenal to do that could be a line in the long list of reasons the Gods delighted in his misery like it was the best telenovela around.

He didn't even know how it happened?! Shouldn't he be the one pregnant in this case (thank the Gods he wasn't, small mercies and all) since he had been the one bottoming every time? It didn't feel real. 

Except it was, because he had the biologically related to him, physical proof in his arms and Cassie staring at him unblinkingly.

“What the hell, Tim. Please tell me that’s not what I think it is.” Cassie asks, nay implores.

Tim knew what she was thinking, of course he knew. A man tries to clone his deceased best friend a couple of times and society never lets him forget the end of it. 

“Good news is that the potentially kryptonian baby is not a clone I made of Kon” He says with jazz hands, trying to appear positive to soften the blow that was coming.

“Bad news is he is mine. And he’s not a clone or hybrid.” Tim speaks quickly, imitating Bart's speedster speech pattern. 

Cassie stares at him for what felt like hours, but Tim’s bat hindbrain knew it was merely 06.57 minutes, then bursts into heartfelt dangerously hysterical laughter.

“Of course this would happen to us. Yes, US, Rob, obviously we’re not going to let you raise a tiny kryptonian baby by yourself.” Cassie rolls her eyes at him as if it was the most normal, obvious thing in the world.

Maybe it was, they hadn’t abandoned Anita to the wolves (motherhood) after all and Young Justice was a permanent fixture in her and her kids/parents’ lives. Tim was even an honorary godfather! 

“Here's what we’re going to do,” Cassie says imperturbably, showing why she was elected as leader. “I’m going to call the girls as backup. Anita and Cissie have a lot of experience with kids, and Greta is great moral support. You can sit down and rock him or something?”

Tim nodded mutely and did just that. He could follow commands even though he wasn't always the best at that. 

“Wait, does he have a name ? I keep calling him the baby in my head and it feels too ominous to me, knowing our track record.” Cassie glances at him, one hand on the phone receptor but giving him her full attention.

She had plenty of practice with ignoring screams like the ones he could hear even though he was sitting meters away from the phone. 

“Baby?! What baby?!”

“Damn, why does this team have so many encounters with babies ?”

“This is why I quit heroism. You wake up one day and your homoerotic nemesis baby-traps you.” 

“Cassie said it wasn’t a cloning situation. It happened organically.”

“Do you still realize how fucked-up it is that you have to make that distinction ?” 

Tim could hear Cissie pleading voice through the soft baby snores.

He knew the baby was only sleeping like the dead (which was good for his night sleep schedule, right? He had to do more research, right next after getting his hands on all the papers he could find on SID's) and wasn’t in fact dead because he could see his vitals, but he still reached out to gently check that his baby (HIS baby) was still breathing. He was.

“Should we still throw a baby shower? I know we didn’t have one for you, Anita.” Greta says with a little disappointment before regaining her enthusiasm. “Ooh. We could make a day out of it. Throw a party! Invite Red Tornado and Lobo and Ray and…” 

When Cassie had called to tell him that his lover had left something for him with a weird voice, he had been certain it was going to be a dead body.

Too many people he had dated thought that, for some godforsaken reason, he would appreciate getting body parts as a gift.

The highest form of romance was apparently slaying his enemies and bringing him the physical proof, like cats bringing their owner a small animal carcass as a show of goodwill.

He definitely didn't expect to see a baby.

Though maybe he should have with Ra's Al Ghul's thing for heirs. 

The only silver lining was that the Tower was uncharacteristically empty save for Cassie and Gar (who owned the Tower) who had first row tickets to his mental breakdown.

The baby came with a diaper bag and a note. 

"Surprise! This is your baby. Some former enemies tracked us down so I leave them in your care. I know you can protect them. I'll try to come back as soon as possible! -Danny" 

There was a heart next to "Danny". Cute.

The problem was that this didn't help at all. Was it Danny the Cult leader or Danny the Ghost King? It could even be Match playing a prank, he knew about the other Dannies (Dannys?) after all.

"Oh yes. Danny." He cleared his throat and nodded seriously.

Cassie squints at him. 

“You’re hiding something.” She says, sure of herself. 

"Oh 100%!" Garfied adds. 

“Spill!” Cissie urges him from the phone.

“I don’t know who the other father is.“ He confesses, looking at the floor.

“The other FATHER?!”  Cassie shouts, surprised. 

“What do you mean by the other father?” Cissie questions, stunned. 

“Did Batman not give you the birds and the bees talk?” Anita asks, done with everything. 

Ugh.  All Tim can think about is Kon imitating Batman giving him the Talk. 

“Wait, don't answer that. Of course he’s the worst example for this. He's basically the blueprint!"

“I know right?" 

They all chimed in except Gar and it wasn't because he didn't have anything to say to this he was simply busy playing with his baby who was now wide awake. 

His version of playing consisted of transforming into different animals and particularly a giant green grizzly bear to entertain his baby. 

The baby had a gummy smile and open eyes but Tim wasn't sure that the baby was conscious yet. 

Tim had asked why and Gar had insisted that every child needed a teddy bear, nevermind the actual teddy bear that was in the baby's diaper bag. 

Tim was grateful for his help either way.

He was just worried that always choosing the nuclear option was visibly also a thing he did when it came to babysitting. 

He wouldn't say anything about it though because unlike Bruce he knew when he was being a hypocrite. 

"That's basically the plot of Mamma Mia!" Cissie affirms. 

Who knew what Gar needed to stop roleplaying as a teddy bear was mentioning Meryl Streep in his presence? 

It wasn't much better though because he immediately belts out the discography of ABBA and particularly the songs used in Mamma Mia (the entire trilogy).

"You can dance, you can jive" 

It was an earworm and he knew that was going to be stuck in his brain in the upcoming weeks when he was supposed to be solving a gruesome murder.

"Having the time of your life" 

Also, there was a reason Gar was an actor and not a singer and it wasn't for lack of trying. 

"You come to look for a king

Anybody could be that guy" 

At least someone was happy because his baby started making baby noises and shaking tiny fists. 

"Young and sweet, only seventeen" 

Tim hoped it was in anger and not in appreciation. He'd like if his baby had human (and meta and alien and anyone who wasn't Garfield Logan really) taste. 

"Leave 'em burning and then you're gone

Looking out for another, anyone will do" 

"Do you think I could put this on my resume?  It counts as previous experience in the field right?" Garfield asks anxiously, admiring himself in a mirror he pulled out of nowhere.

"What are you talking about?" Tim asks tiredly. 

"They're casting for Mamma Mia 3 soon and I want in." Garfield says like it's obvious. 

“He's right. Think of what Meryl Streep would do. She did it before and it turned out fine!” Cassie exclaims like she just had a divine revelation. 

"I'm sure you have a tiny Greek island floating around to give your kid the full experience!" Gar says just as excitedly. 

“She hid that she had a child from the fathers and they had to discover that when they were invited to their kid’s wedding twenty years later.” 

“At least we know what not to do?” Cassie bites her lip, less sure of herself than before.

“Yeah it doesn’t exactly scream healthy coparenting relationships.” Cissie notes. 

“Well divorce is the best option sometimes, right Tim? Didn’t you say that you thought that your parents were going to divorce before your mom died?” Cassie argues. 

“Well, yeah but-”

“And you were happy about it.”

“Yes but-"

“Isn’t Tim more like Colin Firth in this case? The rich businessman who discovers he has a child out there.”

There are noises and interjections of agreement from everyone.

They've solved a problem though of course, it's not the right one or even a significant problem in the first place. Tim doesn't know what he expected from Young Justice. 

“Wait, we have to come here for this!” Cissie realizes. 

“To babysit also because I don't think babies fresh out of the womb are supposed to take the batplane or the supercycle.” Anita asserts.

“Can newborns this young even travel by batplane?” Greta asks meekly.

“Was there even a womb to get out of?” Cissie adds. 

“Maybe the supercycle will give birth to another baby bicycle for baby Tim!” Cassie, the supposedly responsible one, says.

Tim could hear Cissie’s ranting and Greta excited squealing and Anita blasé commentary, and this weirdly calmed him down.

He could do this, find the other parent, make sure he was okay and be a better parent than any parent he ever had. He just had to emulate a Dana-Dick-Janet mismatched blend of parenting types. He had concepts of a plan.

Everything was going to be fine.

Suddenly Cassie gasps, making him alert and check for any possible threats. 

“What about your presentation with the JL on that bunch of assassins who attacked Jon?”

“Fuck.”

Cassie snatches the baby from his arms and hisses at him. His arms feel weirdly empty.

“Baby ears, Tim!”

At the end the girls proposed their babysitting services and Tim agreed (reluctantly). He trusted them with his life but he was already weirdly attached to his baby.

Tim wondered if Bruce had felt this way with every child he took in. 

“This concludes my presentation. Yes, while it is possible that the spider-themed assassins who attacked several heroes in the preceding months might be copycats. It is not likely as the Council of Spiders vowed to start hunting heroes for sport after an encounter with Red Robin.”

“Man, I hate when he talks about himself in the third person.”

“As do I.”

Duke and Damian agreed with each other for different reasons.

Tim knew because they had complained to him extensively.

He wouldn't say anything though because they thought they were agreeing with each other for the same reasons and often commiserated together. It was really funny so he always did it at least once in every presentation to piss them off.

Suddenly, Kon burst into the meeting room and screamed his name. He looked pissed and Bart was running around him, seemingly to check up on him. 

Tim could see his family tensing, ready to use violence to defend him if needed. Even Damian was twirling his Kryptonite dagger around. Past Tim would have thought that Damian was eager to inflict justified violence on his friends but Present Tim knew better.

His family would still love him even thought he had fucked up majorly.

Case in point : Jason was there in his Red Hood full regalia and he was also there for every family dinner and family movie night and family fighting tournament (though this one might be more about decking Bruce and Dick in the face with their explicit approval).

Argument : Bruce would be a dirty hypocrite if he criticized him and Dick would take a lot of pleasure in reaming him out (he still hadn't forgiven him for impregnating Talia out of all people).

Kon was floating, visibly unaware that his feet weren't touching the ground. Tim gulped. He hated fighting with Kon when he was right. 

Bart was speaking so quickly that only the two other speedsters in the room could physically understand him. It seemed important since they both gasped in shock and turned to look at him with eyes as big as saucers.

"You got my brother pregnant!" Kon screeches. 

The entire Justice League and associates present let out a gasp. You can't be in this industry if you don't have a dramatic bone in your body Tim guesses. 

Jon blushes to the root of his hair and stammers his answer, a timid "no".  Clark's eyes are as big as saucers and he alternates between looking faint and murderous enough to get the shotgun out. 

"You. impregnated. my. evil. twin." He shouts, punctuating every word with an accusing finger on his chest. 

More gasps from the peanut gallery. 

"I know. You’re beating a dead horse." Tim rolls his eyes. 

"The horse is alive and healthy! The horse even has a family now because he IMPREGNATED my evil twin!" Kon’s voice cracks after yelling his head off hysterically. 

"Oh no! You are not normalising this and making us look crazy because you don’t want to be rightfully teased by your friends for a few minutes." Cassie butts in.

Tim knew they were going to drag this for eternity because he would have been just as annoying if it wasn't happening to him.

“Is this a 21st century thing? Or a Tim thing?” Bart asks, scrunching his face in interrogation. He loved that game, you could never guess the answer. 

“This travesty could only be Drake's work.” Robin spits, face growing red with rage. “His personal goal is to disgrace the Wayne family in increasingly shameful ways.”

Tim was shocked at Dami's virulence, his baby brother had chilled out with time (and Duke and him had teamed up to well-meaningly bully him out of it too). They were cool now and Damian would often seek him out for the flimsiest reasons, his version of hanging out (You win some, you lose some.). 

“Yet he is too stupid to pick the right clone so as to make Jon and I brothers.”

Ah. That made sense. Tim, as Dick’s little brother, had also had invasive, totally not his business, opinions on his big brother's relationships. 

He had freaked out at him for casually dating Helena (and he still maintains she was too good for him) and freaked out even more when his OTP DicKory had sunk and died a miserable death. 

He legitimately had concerns over this and Dick obviously agreed since he made him best man to his (fake) wedding no matter how many times he said otherwise. 

This also explained why Damian and Jon had locked them in a closet when they were babysitting them. 

Baby's first Parent Trap! Tim was weirdly proud and emotional that he had been the victim to his baby brother's schemes instead of the expected victims, Talia and Bruce. 

“Tell me the wretched name of the lowlife who defiled you and I shall avenge your honor. I swear this on my honor as a warrior.” Robin growls. He had never looked so much like his father before. 

Batman's paler than average face and unsteady hands, visible only to a Bat, showed that he couldn't stop him even if he wanted to. 

What was his life even about? Becoming Robin had ruined him. Because, between his older colleagues, his father's friends, his friends and family, nobody had corrected Robin's assumptions. 

They thought he had been pregnant and somehow popped up with a baby and no one had been aware in his family of detectives. 

Well, he had but the baby was just as much a surprise for them as it had been for him yesterday. Maybe even more because y'know he was the one raising a baby for until he died. 

“I was NOT pregnant Dami.”

“It is not necessary for you to protect that fiend. Nothing will save him from his doom.” Damian swears darkly, his eyes visibly full of fire (fire from the dark pits of hell), even under his mask. 

“You literally elbowed me in the stomach when I was supposedly “pregnant” to win at Mario Kart and still lost by the way.  And I still have the bruise to prove it !” Tim throws his hands in the air, in disbelief. 

“WHAT?!” Dick screams like a siren. 

“That’s not cool, little man.” Duke shakes his head, newly initiated into the family, yet already initiated into replicating Alfred’s disappointed look perfectly. 

Red Hood cocks his gun. “Y’know it ain’t personal but I took a vow to protect every kid and that includes future mamas.”

Batman grunts in concern and scans him from eye to toe as if he had Duke’s clairvoyant powers or a Super's X-ray vision (Tim can see every Super in the room using said power on him) and approach him like he was a spooked animal, clearly ready to drag him to the med bay, kicking and screaming, for a throughout examination. 

Damian ignores them all but Tim had never seen him look so chastised and remorseful. He unsheathes his sword and hands it to him. 

“I swear to make any reparations I can. You may strike me down as you wish to avenge your deformed offspring." 

Tim positions himself in front of Damian, putting a protective hand on his shoulder. 

"I wasn't pregnant, Dami. You would have known if I was showing." He reassures him the best he can. 

“Cryptid pregnancies exist.” Cassie shrugs with an evil smile because she was evil and all of his friends were apparently doomed to become authoritarian dictators. He wondered if Gun Batman had come to this realization in a similar manner. He would ask him the next time he came to visit this timeline. 

“Stop encouraging them ! You know what happened ! You were there!”

"Oh, so now you had a THREESOME with my ex-girlfriend and evil twin while I was dead?!"

"NO."

Tim stopped talking before his foot in mouth chronic illness gave his father a heart attack.

He already looked pale (more than usual) and Tim didn't trust his heart to do its job after that time he had to beat up a supervillain into using his lightning powers to restart the heart he had stopped four minutes ago.

“Congrats on the new grandfather status, Bats.” Green Lantern claps him on the shoulder with an evil smirk because apparently he was not over his evil nonchalant Space God phase yet. 

It showed how dire things were that Bruce had not flipped him over or avoided him like the plague (which only happened when he was in an extremely good mood). 

Green Arrow looks at him in commiseration and Bruce hates ever becoming a detective at this exact moment. 

Oliver had always been chatty but now that he had found “a peer” who too had a vigilante son who had impregnated a villain and sprung it on him, Bruce was sure that even joining his parents in the Wayne family plots would not free him from this torment. His damned kids would surely find a way to make him come back. 

He faints. 

Tim despairs as he knew this was guaranteed to be food for gossip in the very gossipy hero and villain community alike (leaks happened, too many heroes liked to gossip on poker nights with their Supervillain Gallery) for years to come. 

He had just gotten them to talk about something else than his poor coping mechanisms (you clone your dead best friend once and society goes wild) with carefully timed releases of information to key figures (the biggest gossips in the community)!

He had just managed to stop Cassie from fighting to the death for the godmother position but his fucking brother and his best friend just had to start this again!

"You owe me the godfather position at this point." Kon repeats, crossing his arms to get his point across. 

"Aren't you biologically the father anyway? Since your clone is the father and you have the same genetic makeup?" Bart chirps. 

"A godfather's supposed to outlive the parents and we all know you're not very good at that. Pick me!" Duke throws his hat in the ring.

There's a stunned silence before Kon bursts into laughter.

"Sorry but we all know you're due for the obligatory Bat death soon. Try again."

"Sorry not sorry, but I'm built different."

Dick interrupts their argument, clearing his throat.

"I'm Tim's favorite brother and babies love me. I'm the obvious choice!"

"Are you sure though? After you let Alfred fire him?" Duke claps back.

"We were literally brothers before Bruce even thought about adopting him! Brothers fight all the time anyway! You'd know if you had one!"

"Woah. Woah. Woah. You're going too far man." Kon shakes his head, disappointed. 

"Yeah you clearly don't believe that adopted kids are just as much family as bio kids." Steph chimes in.

"No wonder he picked Robin "i'm the blood son" over Tim and what's worse is that he's adopted too!" Duke exclaims. 

"Yeah Dick's always been a dirty hypocrite." Jason says, stabbing him in the back with no remorse and an evil grin.

"I clearly didn't mean it like that- Come on guys you know what I was talking about!" Dick pleads, looking at Tim for help.

But Dick knew that he was fucked because Tim was squiting at him, clearly questionning every encounter they had. Those bastards had succeeded in their evil masterplan.

Tim sighed and shook his head in disappointment.

Divide and Conquer.

Dick had forgotten who he was dealing with and hadn't used every dirty trick Tim knew he had in his arsenal.

He knew that because he had used them on him to stick him in a headlock to mess up the hairstyle he had spent half an hour and a container of gel to make his hairstyle Robin-proof.

Why you may ask? Dick always claimed that he loved the crunchy feeling under his hands but Tim knew it was mostly to inconvenience him because he thought it was his "big brother" duty.

Dick was responsible and caring in his way so he'd definitely be a good option.

Pros : he had taught him how to do laundry and cook essential basic meals and he could come up with good puns on the spot.

Cons : he was really annoying, had too many enemies who loved to bomb his house and had bad taste (he actually liked Jason and Damian. mostly Jason though) and also he was stretched too thin and Tim wasn't an expert but he doubted adding a baby on top of that would help.

Duke and Kon were metas so they could understand the ordeal of having powers and learning your father was potentially a villain. 

Oh who was he kidding? The Dick Grayson had asked to be the godfather of his child! He was fighting against metas and other Bats to get the honor of being the godfather of his child! This was his childhood dream come true.

He thinks that even if he didn't tell Dick that he knew his identity and they continued being strangers to each other, he would have tried to get him as his child's godfather.

In a world where Dick only knew him as another socialite, Tim Drake would have absolutely capitalized on his love for kids and tried to get him as an honorary godfather at least, like people did with celebrities. 

"Why are we worrying about this now? You-know-what is clearly more important!" Cassie hisses in his ear. It's more of a scream really, because it wakes Batman up from where Cass was trying to slap him awake. 

Everybody turns to look at them, at him in particular.

Tim wants the ground to swallow him whole. For the Council of Spiders to attack him right now where he stands. 

Batman is apparently still intimidating after fainting in front of them like a Victorian heroine because Cassie immediately spills her guts, uncaring of the glare Tim is piercing the side of her head with or the mental prayers he silently sends her to shut up. 

The mental prayers must have been pretty explicit because J'onn is looking at him with concern etched on his face.

"Tim doesn't know who the other father is."

Tim thinks that they are lucky that everybody here already knew their secret identity. 

Because with all the times they threw his name around, someone not in the know was bound to make the connection between Red Robin and Timothy Drake-Wayne. 

A baby is apparently all it takes for the most paranoid family in the universe to throw off said paranoia. 

He must have entered an Otherworld because Steph is laughing and literally jumping for joy when he thought she was going to take it the hardest out of everyone.

She smacks three loud kisses in succession on his left cheek. 

"Oh we are so back! Tim is hoe-ing around again !" Steph is smiling so hard her cheeks hurt.

Maybe later she'd think of her own little girl that she had to give away because it wasn't the right time but now she was focused on the fact that teenage pregnancy got another Robin (Thank God it wasn't Damian at least!). 

She shakes Cass awake since she looked dazed by the revelations. Cass hadn't spoken much tonight. It was unlike her.

"I love you Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne for realizing my Mamma Mia dreams."

Cass, Tim and her were basically already the iconic trio, Donna, Tanya and Rosie with less singing (not that much since Cass loved to dance and Tim could light up a karaoke room when he was drunk enough and she was partial to 2010s hits). 

"Our group's Halloween costume is going to be so good this year! Oh! The baby can be a baby Sophie!" She squeals.

Tim knows that if Cissie was there she'd fight her over the right of ownership so he's glad that he doesn't have to deal with that problem at least. 

Batman looks like he wants to faint again but Dick grabs him by the collar and shakes him awake with a wordless scream. He doesn't stop screaming to breathe. It's kind of impressive actually.

Suddenly, Alfred's voice can be heard through the speakers, no doubt Barbara's work. 

Of course, she was listening in too. Tim was naive to think that his dirty laundry wouldn't be aired in the public square and now he had physical footage if he ever felt the need to look back to his very public social death. 

His curt, angry (Tim could literally hear the anger) could be heard by all but was thankfully only directed at Bruce. Still, Tim almost flinched when Alfred mentioned him. 

"I see that the children have seen fit to inherit your worst qualities. We will have a chat about what a bad example you offer later, Master Bruce."

The concerned person looks like he is about to faint again but Dick is still shaking him like he wants to liberate his soul from its mortal sheath and he only stopped howling when Alfred was speaking out of respect. Jason looks like he wants to join in. 

Meh. Bruce would survive. Alfred's lectures were more annoying to deal with than deadly and Dick just had to get this out of his system. Tim might be a good son but he wasn't nice enough to take the proverbial verbal beating for Bruce. 

It wasn't his fault for once but Tim was content to let sleeping dogs lie and that can of worms unopened. 

It wasn't rational or fair but Tim had been angry at his father for dying and leaving him behind. (It was the second stage of the five grief stages, he detachedly knew. It didn't stop him from doing what he did.) 

Tim had had plenty of relationships before. Ariana. Jubilee. Steph. Zoanne. Cassie. Tam. Lynx. 

All of them hadn't gone past a kiss.

Tim had been horrified when Ari had decided to take the next step and even more horrified to discover the reason why. 

Tim had always been raised with the idea of abstinence, of waiting until marriage.

Jack and Dana Drake had agreed on this point, Janet might not have, as enlightened and fiercely independent as she had been but she hadn't been there to give her opinion. 

Tim had always been a good son so he listened.

He hadn't felt any urge to break his promise and had no problem rejecting those who tried anyway. 

But Jack and Dana Drake weren't there to give their opinion either.

And Tim was just so angry. He tended to become quite defiant and contrarian when cross. 

Tim still remembered how he had met each and every one of them like it was yesterday. 

It had been during the worst year of his life.

Before he took on Jason's tainted mantle but after Cassie had joined the Cult of Superboy.

Cassie was miserable and she was even more miserable when she couldn't get drunk to forget everything for a moment, not like Tim could.

She had talked to Supergirl, Kara who told her of the meta and alien raves in space she used to spend all of her time in, trying to forget that she had lost everything with the destruction of Krypton. 

Tim didn't remember how she had convinced him to come along but he had refused to drink, preferring to be the designated driver of Bart's spaceship. 

Rose had ended up tagging along and then the girls had spent hours getting as drunk as they could now that their metabolisms weren't holding them back. 

Tim had lost sight of them for a moment and panicked until he found them kissing in a random corridor.

He had gone back to the bar, nursing a margarita.

He was slightly tipsy when Danny Phantom had hit on him.

He couldn't understand why.

Tim was sure he looked as miserable and lonely as he felt.

Looking like a sad wet cat had apparently made a lot of people, men and women, want to jump his bones.

Of course, Tim had asked why. He was always too curious for his own good. 

"I didn't actually think you'd say yes. It's my first time asking out someone so.. and being so forward." Danny had chuckled, shyly rubbing his neck.

His cheeks and neck were glowing, his version of a blush.

Tim wanted to see where the blush ended so he kissed him and dragged him to his empty hotel suite. 

The receptionist didn't give them a second glance.

They had rushed to his hotel room, fumbling with the keys and slamming the door shut with a distracted foot, too busy kissing and looking in his green eyes. They glowed in the dark.

He looked at him like he wanted to eat him, to open his ribcage and nestle close to his heart.

Tim had never been so horny. 

"I like that you have a greater purpose, a strong obsession." He whispered before kissing him to shut him up.

It was good to know that for ghosts his obsessive personality was like katnip and not a personality default or a dealbreaker. 

It was their (his) first time but clearly not the last. Every time their eyes would meet in the crowd or when Danny would seek him out, they'd go back at it again.

If Rose had noticed she hadn't said anything to him. Cassie never noticed, too busy drowning her sorrows in a bottle. Tim was too, in a different way.

He'd feel bad that he was burdening Danny with his baggage and obsessive tendencies but he was visibly very much into that. 

He had met Danny Temple again after he had bombed another hotel room, trying to practice throwing his new birdarands. 

He hadn't been Alvin Draper (unwelcome and blacklisted from all neighboring hotels) when they had crossed paths in Spain. 

Danny was smart, he had easily deduced his identity when Robin had gone to save him from the cult that kidnapped him in front of his dear friend Tim Drake.

And Tim had easily lied when Bruce had asked him if Danny knew his secret.

His friend had shown himself to be trustworthy since Tim hadn't had any villains going after civilian Tim Drake. 

Well, except for Boomerang killing his father but that one was the Dibny couple's and Jean Loring's fault. 

They had caught up over pizza and Zesti ("I know how much you liked the stuff when we were in Brentwood.").The Naja-Naja apparently had a stronghold in Spain. 

His yeti servants had healed his burned hands, a gift from a particularly stupid goon with fire hands and an even more stupid Past Tim Wayne who thought that catching them with his bare hands was a great idea. 

It was dark outside and Danny was looking at him with hooded eyes and that look Tim had grown to recognize. Love. Lust.

He leaned in to kiss him. Danny stopped him with a finger. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes! I haven't had a drop of alcohol and I think me initiating the kiss is a pretty big green light." Tim snarks with no real bite. 

"Hey! Consent is key. Consent is sexy." Danny, like the dork he is, blushes with shame.

You'd never guess he was the heir and now leader to one of the biggest, deadliest, cults on the Planet. Tim hadn't and he had spent months in close quarters with the guy. 

"Did you know that you were my gay awakening?" He confesses shyly, playing with Tim's fingers absentmindedly.

"Oh really." Tim teases. This weirdly wasn't the first time somebody had told him that.

"Yeah. 'Wanted to kiss you so bad that day, in your car, on the way to the beach." His voice is husky.

"Well let's remedy that."

Danny bursts out laughing at him. Tim had never been the best with pick up lines. He never needed to, other people usually made the first move.

Still, he can feel his face heat up and he quickly shuts him up with another kiss. Danny looks pretty enthusiastic and on board to go for another round after that. 

Two days later, Tim has to leave. Bruce can't afford to wait and Tim has exhausted every avenue and lead in the country. Danny watches him go with barely concealed worry. 

With Match it had been more painful. A reflection of what he had lost. Conner. 

Tim had been sobbing over the botched remains of his best friend's failed clones when Match had shown up. He looked like Conner. His eyes. His hair. His face. 

He didn't look anything like his best friend. His eyes were too mean, too mocking, nothing like the compassionate and caring eyes of his best friend. His hair was blonde. And Conner Kent wouldn't be caught dead in that blinding white suit.

"Well, well, well. How the mighty have fallen." Match comments, looking down on him. 

Tim wanted to deck him in the face for wearing his best friend's face to tell him something like that. And he did. It didn't hurt him much but at least it wiped the grin clean off his face. 

"Cadmus' still hiring." He throws over his shoulder as he's leaving. 

Tim feels sick. He throws up on Luthor's portrait. He's nothing like them. Kon wouldn't think that of him. 

He's destroying his stolen setup when Cassie enters.

"Oh, Tim."

The next time he sees him, he's wearing his cowl and not holding back his punches anymore. 

Match starts with a condescending, mocking quip that Tim doesn't remember.

He wants to punch his diaphragm in to keep him from ever speaking to him again with that face. He kisses him instead. 

Tim immediately realizes his mistake. It's wrong and Match deserves that people respect his consent and bodily autonomy too. Tim is disgusted by himself. Red Robin disgusts him.

He tries to pull away but Match realizes what he's trying to do and pulls him close by his waist and deepens the kiss. There's tongue now. 

They spent countless minutes kissing, only separating to breathe. For a moment, Tim's worried he's using Match as a replacement for his best friend. But Tim would have never kissed Kon. He loved, loves his best friend just not like that. 

"Was this your fucked-up take on flirting all this time?" Tim pants.

Match doesn't answer (which is an answer in itself) and pulls him in another heated kiss to shut him up. 

They fuck. Tim wonders if this counts as hate-fucking.

He discards the notion the third time their paths cross in a different country. Match is clearly seeking him out with his superhearing like Kon used to. 

Tim doesn't stop him even though he could mask his heartbeat.

He knows Dick would flip if he learned that Superman couldn't hear his heartbeat anymore and search for him, wasting precious manpower and time on Tim, who could take care of himself rather than needy Gotham. 

Another thing is that Tim isn't actually opposed to this arrangement.It's a good distraction and workout when his thoughts get too loud. 

He definitely discards this theory after Paris. He knows what hate feels like and this isn't it. Then Match shows up because of course he does. 

After he manages to make Cass leave his side, he lets his kisses and bites replace, erase her touch.

Tim knows Robin would be horrified and categorically against this, just as he had been that day with Ari years ago. Never say never, I guess.

It makes him laugh. Match takes it as a sign to go harder.

The last time they meet, Match asks him mockingly if Tim wouldn't prefer calling him Danny over Kon. 

It's not the last time he sees him around though. 

Dick would definitely be concerned if he knew his kryptonian best friend's evil clone was stalking him.

Tim knows he should feel more concerned but he can't give a shit when Ra's al Ghul is stalking him too.

He has bigger fish to fry, like getting Bruce out of the timestream.

When Bruce comes back, Tim ignores the expensive and rare gifts that appear in his office and acts like Match doesn't follow him sometimes when he can clearly see him out of the corner of his eye. 

When his dad comes back, Tim leaves everything behind. Tim had always been a good son.  

"Who." Bruce lets out with difficulty. His teeth are gritted, soldered together. His voice is hoarse like he hasn't used it in centuries. 

"It's really between Danny Temple, Match and Danny Phantom;" He says in a timid whisper. 

"Bloody hell, you really know how to choose them."John Constantine takes a long swing out of his loyal, mysterious flask.

Batman looks like he wants to eviscerate him for dropping this cliffhanger and making him wait. The bugger can wait, it probably won't kill him.

He closes the flask with shaky hands. 

Batman turns to his red-faced son. 

"The leader of the Kobra cult." He finally utters. 

"We went to boarding school together. Alfred said he was a perfect gentleman." Tim mutters defensively, crossing his arms together. 

The unwanted audience just had to give their unsolicited commentary. 

"What?"

"Cult leaders go to boarding school?" Jon asks his father, dismayed. If even cult leaders couldn't get out of school...

Damian curses as he comes to the same conclusion. The incompetent American educational system was visibly fated to follow him whether he agreed to it or not. 

"Oa has several members with blood feuds yet it isn't as entertaining as this." John Stewart avers. 

"Yeah, the Bats, especially the third one, have the juiciest gossip on this side of the universe." Hal affirms. Barry and Oliver nod in agreement.

"Bloody hell. These teenagers will stick their dick in anything!" Constantine curses. 

"You fucked Satan in a bathroom." Zatanna retorts with no small amount of bitterness.

"I still wouldn't touch the fucking Ghost King with a ten foot pole!" Constantine answers firmly.

He knows Z is only arguing for the sake of it because she wouldn't either. 

"He's too young for you anyways." Tim mumbles.

Everyone hears him perfectly though because every single person who had contact with anything magical sputters. 

"That is absolutely not the problem here, mate."

Because things couldn't get worse, of course they did. They always did.

Batman immediately demands a method to assure an interdimensionally-recognized full custody of his grandchild. 

That madman wants to snatch an heir from the fucking Ghost King with the help of the Justice League Dark.

Constantine fumbles with his cigarette box like he desperately wants to smoke several joins (which he does). But smoke and a closed space with individuals with a sensitive sense of smell and frail nerves isn't a great combo so he refrains with difficulty. 

"Sorry kid. But I'm not playing child custody lawyer with the fucking Ghost King. The creature that invented all of the war crimes and crimes against humanity mentioned in the Geneva Convention and more." 

Zatanna shakes her head. She's powerless here. 

Batman grits his teeth. He would never give up.

His children keep stumping him with original problems that people never heard of before in the entire history of humanity. 

Some were great and made him proud like Tim's fake uncle. 

An interdimensional intergalactic custody battle, less so. He struggled with Damian's and it was a perfectly normal one!

"He's a great guy! Very nice, if not a little shy." Tim defends him, befuddled.

He doesn't understand why he scares them so much.

Danny is a normal teenager and had been a perfectly nice and gentle partner to Tim. 

"Wait, does that imply that you hit on the Ghost King?" Duke exclaims. 

"Boo. You little slut. Spill!" Steph joins in. "There's no way you got baby-trapped by the actual Ghost King." She laughs hard, clutching her aching stomach.

Dick shakes his head, feeling guilty. When he had taught Tim those pick up lines it had been for girls or boys his age that he'd meet at the mall or something.

Not for a thousand years old fart who took advantage of his baby brother.

He suppresses the faint pride he feels at his pick-up lines working on said old fart. It's not the time to celebrate Tim's accomplishments. 

"No. He accosted me but he was a perfect gentleman the whole time." Tim says, red in the face. 

"Don't think we have the same definition of the word." Jason grumbles. 

"Yeah! There's no way a Cult Leader and an Undead Lich King would semantically fit into the definition of a "perfect gentleman". I doubt they'd respect the required codes d'honneur-" Bart chimes in.

Kon wants to step in to defend the guys, simply because Young Justice never agrees with the Red Hood. It's their third rule, created by Rob and enforced very strictly by Kon.

This isn't the right time though so Kon shuts his mouth and makes sure to glare at him enough that he'll feel his discontent. 

They continue to needle him for more details and no one's really inclined to help him out. 

That's until Steph starts arguing with Cassie about who's going to become the godmother.

A lot more people get distracted when Cassie, sounding a lot like Damian, starts talking about "fights to the death" and "defending her honor" and "proving her resolve".

Diana nods in approval.

She obviously endorsed Cassie's determination to fight to the death for the honor of being the child's godmother. He's proven right when she speaks out.

"I'll volunteer myself as a second." 

There's a pregnant silence before an explosion of sound.

Tim can hear Bart harassing his poor grandfather into joining the melee as his second. 

"No fair. How come you get Wonder Woman as a second whatever that is." Steph whines as her slim chances of winning crumble to dust before her eyes. 

The other Cassandra, Cass looks just as determined to fight.

Batman gets distracted from interrogating him when Cass, his savior, starts talking about inviting her mother. They don't get along at all but he guesses she'd do anything to win. 

He slips out of the room and pulls his phone out.

It's easy to create a Whatsapp group with the three men. It's less easy to send the first message.