Chapter Text
Chapter 1: Breaking Point Part I
You Are Renee!
32 fucking years on this earth! 17 of which spent caring for an accident, 15 of those years spent putting up with a mistake and 14 of those years spent working a thankless dead fucking end job! This is where your life has ended up Renee. Not what you ever thought of when you married the love of your life. Or when your parents kicked you out of the house at 15. Yeah, you’re still bitter about that. All of a sudden you are snapped out of your thoughts by the crackling of the PA announcer.
“Renee, cleanup needed in Aisle 5. Renee Graves, cleanup needed in Aisle 5.” "(Great, better go see what kind of mess I have to clean up this time.)" You push your cleaning cart into aisle 5 expecting that someone just dropped a jar of pasta sauce. It is the pasta, canned meals and pasta sauce aisle after all. But when you round the corner the smell hits you. Vomit! Lots and lots of vomit painting a pink trail the same colour as the ‘under the sink soda’ down the middle of the aisle. You begin retching, threatening to void your stomach of the lunch you just had half an hour ago. This would only add to the mess, you manage to get your stomach back under control just in time as you feel that burning acidic sensation in your throat. "(Keep it the fuck together.)" you tell yourself as you pull a filter mask over your face and get to work on cleaning up this unsightly offense to the senses.
"(There has to be something better than this. Not just for me, not just for Douglas, but for my son and daughter too. Andrew is a good kid, as much as I mentally refer to him as an ‘accident’ he’s always been reliable, responsible and a good older brother to Ashley… Ashley… Now Ashley, My little ‘mistake’ has always been difficult, unruly, ruthless, relentless, rowdy, even downright violent.)" You shudder at that last thought. "(I know whatever happened to Nina… Ashley definitely had a hand in it and dragged Andrew into that mess. But I never wanted to be known as the mother who raised a murderer… She could have been better… hell she could still become better than she is… I know she’s managed to eke out her own life from her circumstances, she has at least a few friends so she’s better than she was. But… as much as I fault her…. It’s because she reminds me of the worst parts of me.)" You pause for a second as you remember that you wanted to blast your father in law to pieces with a shotgun.
"(But there’s clearly still some remaining damage in her from that incident. Maybe if there was a change in environment? Getting away from this shithole and the memories therein? Yeah… Yeah! That could actually work. But our financial situation? It’s bad… There are assets; foolish purchases from our early days when it was just me and Douglas that would now be worth quite a bit in storage… but… no Douglas would never agree to part with the Shelby Mustang, Or the Harley? Would he?)"
Whatever. You shelve the idea for now as you finish up cleaning the… mess. It looks just as spotless as if it had never happened. Pleased with your work you wheel your cleaning cart back to customer service. “It’s done. But please have someone check the cameras to try and find out who that was that puked all over the aisle.” you tell the Duty Manager. But she just looks at you, shrugging her shoulders like “whatever?”, completely disinterested in your toil. Yep. A thankless job indeed.
You make it through the rest of your shift with no more major incidents but once you punch out at 3:30pm instead of heading directly home you spend some time looking at travel magazines. Rather not for the intent of going on a brief vacation but rather to get an idea in your mind of where your family could escape to. Forever. Of the few you pick out one sort of stands out. A magazine on tourism in Japan, this particular issue is promoting the upcoming summer festival in a small rural community called Hozumi. You open the magazine to its special feature. There is a detailed description of Hozumi itself, it’s described as a medium-sized rural community that’s welcoming of outsiders. "(Rural living? Now that sounds almost relaxing; a welcome change from the chaos of the city. But the challenge of living in such a foreign country could make, or break this family. But that kind of risk may be what we need. A fresh start with new challenges… it won’t just be good for me and Doug but for Andrew and Ashley too.)" You take the European and Scandinavian travel magazines with you as well but they seem to promote the more cliche touristy areas, rather than anywhere that would be nice to live.
As you continue your shopping you keep thinking about the idea of moving to another country. "(There is definitely gonna be some creative planning and logistics involved, but as long as I can get Douglas on board this might work. His civil engineering degree would open a lot of doors.)" That’s when it hits you. The Tōhoku earthquake from a few months ago! They’ll be looking for civil engineers specifically! Maybe they’ll even be fast tracking visa applications just to get them into the country ASAP?
You do also briefly consider the simpler idea of just moving to a new city within the country, until you realize there’s just nothing you actually like about this shithole of a country. Like many at the time your family had immigrated here during world war II just to escape the chaos. But these days… Something was deeply wrong here, not just with the country but the people too. Everyone was always so self serving and self centered yet if you fuck up in any way that draws attention you’ll be the talk of the town for months. And there was a terrifying level of corporate greed. The Government didn't inspire much if any confidence either. They’d left corps like Toxisida to run amok and unchecked with no oversight. There was probably some kind of link there. Worst of all is that foreboding sense that if you and your family remain here something terrible will happen, you don’t even know why you think this way but lets call it a Mothers intuition.
As you head to your car to load the groceries into the boot you notice something… Someone has keyed ‘INBREEDERS’ into both sides of your car! “(Right…. Andrew sometimes takes the car… and there have been those rumors going around his and Ashley's high school. But no, that's just people misinterpreting their bond. There’s no way that could be happening! They’re siblings!)” Not only that but they smashed in the window and ripped the stereo out! “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?” You yell out loud in the car park for all to hear. If this were just an isolated incident, one really bad day, this would just be something you shrug off. But given that it’s the 5th time in the span of a year shit like this has happened you are not in the mood! Not after a day like today, not after you imagine this situation repeating itself in a few months. That absolutely settles it, no way are you staying in this shithole. Not a fucking year longer. You slam the boot down as you finish loading the groceries and open the driver side door, brushing the smashed glass to the floor so it’s safe to sit down without lacerations. Finally, you get in and drive home, thoroughly fed up with this day- no this fucking country!
You are Andrew!
“(This is fucking ridiculous, I shouldn’t have to be afraid of telling Ashley something that’s supposed to be good news)” you lament to yourself. Seated at the dining room table you’ve barely been able to bring yourself to touch your food. You’re not even sure you could keep it down, you're wracked with so much nerves. You flick your phone open to check the time: 4:30pm. She should be home in another half hour. She’s out with Julia and some of her other friends right now. "(Fuck… I really hope Julia didn't tell her. She promised she’d leave everything to me. Maybe I should call--)" You are suddenly and violently shaken from your thoughts as the apartment door is flung open by none other than your beloved little sister, Ashley! You immediately stand up from your seat to greet her
“Heyyy, you! Welcome home” As your eyes meet hers you notice she’s got a scowl on her face, her brow is furrowed with anger. As for those pink eyes of hers that you’ve always been enamored with: They're all red, puffy and wet with tears. "(Oh no… That’s not good)" “Why is Julia telling me you’ve got something to say to me??” you can immediately tell by her voice that she is pissed. And that she’s been crying. "(.......She just couldn’t keep her mouth shut, huh. I can’t tell whether she’s forcing my hand, or being naive.) …..Okay listen. First of all I care about you very much--” Before you have an opportunity to finish she cuts you off “So much that you fuck my best friend!! Great. Thanks. wonderful.” The ‘talk’ has only just started and in typical Ashley fashion she’s escalating it into an argument.
And because you don’t know how to de-escalate it’s just gonna get worse and worse. “Oh, so now she’s your ‘best friend’???” Welp, you fell for that trap. Hook, line, sinker and a good bit of the rod. “So this is about you fucking her!??! I KNEW IT” She screams at you, a new set of tears begin welling in the corners of her eyes. “I didn't say that. Though I am seeing her.” you attempt to assuage her fears, but it’s all in vain. C’mon this is Ashley we're talking about. “It’s all the same! You lying little whore!! I can’t fucking fucking believe you!!!!!” you manage to hold back tears as her voice filled with distress and sadness; wears down your soul. “Okay ca-- (No, don’t say calm down.) …I want--, no . I need us to be able to talk about this. Can we talk about this?” you hope you’re starting to get through to her, but if there’s one trait you share it’s that you’re both stubborn as fuck. But she throws you an olive branch. “Then talk.” Her voice is still full of bitterness.
“Why is this a problem? Me seeing her doesn't take anything away from you.” But just when you think she might be about to hear you out… There’s that scowl on her face again “Yes it does!! Obviously it does! Every second you waste on her is a second you’re not spending with ME!!!” you take a deep breath and place a hand on her shoulder. “It doesn't have to be. If anything now I can come sit with you at lunch and it won’t look weird and pathetic.” Ashley suddenly bats your hand away from her shoulder and boy does she look even more pissed than earlier. “The last thing I want to see is her cream herself over talking to you!! If I spot you two in the same general area. I’m setting myself on fire!!” “Jesus Christ Ashley!… Why?” You see a tear roll down her cheek, you want to wipe it away, give her some assurance that you still care deeply about her. But she’s just not gonna listen to you at all right now. “It’s you and me, Andy! No one else!! There can’t be anyone else!! It’s Andy and Leyley!!” you begin to see a flood of tears beginning to form in her eyes. Not to mention her voice has gone all sniffily like she’s about to cry “It’s Andy and Leyley and no one else Forever and Ever!!!” "(Ah so it’s still that? She just can’t let this fantasy of hers go can she?) That’s not possible. Please please just grow up already…”
“NO ONE ELSE! NO ONE FUCKING ELSE!” Your sister yells as she storms off to your shared room. How had it ended up like this? You had hoped that telling Ashley that you’re dating Julia would be a good thing, that it would help her grow. But this reaction… well… it was what you had hoped against. She slams the door shut behind her but you can still hear her wailing. “YOU’RE MY BROTHER!!!! MINE!!!!” You bury your face in your hands as you throw yourself onto the couch…. This is going to be a long night, maybe you’ll just sleep here? “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?! I TRUSTED YOU!!! I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!!” Jesus… Fucking… Christ! This is just about the worst she’s ever blown up at you. You hope that maybe in time she’ll get over it…but on this you have your doubts. That’s when your own dam breaks and you begin crying into your hands. This has been just about the worst day of your life. "(I wish things could be different. That she could’ve accepted me and Julia,)" but… There is also that feeling in the back of your mind, buried deep down: "(Maybe I didn't have to ask Julia out? That I didn't need to be with Julia to be happy… that maybe me and Ashley could-- Wait no! What in the literal fuck am I saying!? She’s my sister! Jesus Fucking Christ where’d that thought come from?!? Oh… right… the rumors. That’s what started the whole shitshow I now find myself in. In reality I’m not even sure what I feel for Julia but I had to distract everyone from those rumors. Even if they weren't true, if Mom heard about them--)" “Andrew?” You are pulled from your thoughts by a hand on your shoulder… from Mom?
You were so lost in your own thoughts you didn't even hear her enter the apartment “Are you okay?” "(Why does she care all of a sudden?)” But whatever, you decide to humor her on this. “No… not really. It’s…” you look up at her with your tear soaked face to see a rare and genuine look of sympathy on her face. “H… how much of that did you hear anyway mom?” She sighs and takes a seat beside you. “Most of it…. Whatever you did must’ve really set her off. She sounded really hurt.” "(Okay what is mom playing at? She never cared about me before, and she especially hasn’t cared about Ashley, ever. So why now?)" “I’ll go talk to her once she’s calmed down… I should probably go out and buy her an apology gift in the meantime.” Just before you’re about to get up mom places a hand on your shoulder and hands you a magazine… one on Japanese tourism? Well, she knows you like to read on bus rides and all your books are currently in yours and Ashley's room. “Here if you need something to read as a distraction on the bus ride to the store.” Your mom says in that soothing voice… that same voice she used to manipulate you into becoming Ashley’s de-facto parental figure, yet you notice an uncharacteristic shine in her eyes. Now you’re just plain curious. "(What is she planning? Mom doesn't do anything without some ulterior motive. Nor without reason… could this be the start of some grand plan of hers? But… no, there’s no way she has enough money for a weekend vacation in one city over let alone Japan, but I suppose she’s right. It’ll be a good distraction. Easier to fantasize about a vacation than put all the pieces in place to make it happen.)”
You get up from the couch and head back over to the dining table to grab your wallet and phone from where you left them. When you open your phone… Seeing the wallpaper opens the floodgates yet again. It’s a selfie picture of you and Ashley at a nice restaurant last month. You wanted to do something nice for her as it had appeared that she’d been maturing. "(I’ve always been so proud of her when she puts the effort in.)" you wipe away a tear just as it lands on the screen. "(Damnit! God fucking damnit! What have I done to her? Things were fine until now. Just how bad have I fucked this up!?)" That’s when you start to feel it. That little bit of resentment building and it’s not for Ashley, not yourself. No. It's for Julia. "(While it's not entirely her fault, no… Part of that lies on me too for asking her out in the first place. But she had been pushing so hard the past two weeks for us to become an item publicly that I felt I had to. Not to mention the fact that the rumors would probably resurface if I dumped her now.)" You sigh as you flick your phone shut, stuff it into your pocket, grab a shopping bag and walk over to the door to the room you share with your sister. You can still hear her crying on the other side of the door “Ashley, I'm going out for a bit. And no it’s not to see Julia, I’ll be back for you soon okay, I promise.” The absence of a screaming fit means “okay.”
As you leave the apartment you can’t stop thinking about Ashley’s reaction. "(She made it sound like I’m cheating on her or something?!?)" The idea; as preposterous as it sounds, makes a strange amount of sense. Considering the rumors. And those can’t have simply spawned from nowhere. All the affection she’s shown you over the years is less of what you’d expect from a sister and more of what you'd expect from a long term girlfriend. As you step into the elevator you take your phone out of your pocket and send a text to Ashley. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry” the reply comes immediately: A single broken heart emoji. You flick your phone shut as the elevator hits the ground floor. The sun is setting by the time you step out of the building. It is the middle of August so the season is at the ass end of autumn, there is a biting chill in the air, so much so that you can see the vapors of your own breath. An omen of the winter to come You stuff your hands in your pockets as you make the short trek to the bus stop. The bus service won’t stop running for the day until 10pm and there should still be a few stores open for the next 2 hours.
Luckily there’s no one at the bus stop by the time you get there and sit down, the time table shows that the bus that follows the route to the shopping center should be here in about 5 or so minutes, to pass the time you decide to read that Japanese travel magazine Mom gave you. It proves to be very interesting, in particular there is a special feature section on a rural region consisting of two neighboring towns: Hozumi and Okukozome, highlighting one event in particular known as the Natsu Matsuri, or the summer festival in English. It takes place every year at the Sayorihime shrine in Okukozome. The magazine features stills from last year's festival, some pictures of the shrine itself as well as the attractions, food stalls, games and some of the traditions carried out. Like the Shrine maiden dancing the Kagura. There is even an interview with one of the shrine maidens attending to the organization of the festival by the name of Akira Amatsume discussing some of the history of the festival and what makes it unique from similar events held at city temples. It honestly all sounds so interesting! "(I know for a fact Ashley would love to attend one of these! Almost nothing like that happens around here.)" as a smile begins to form imagining attending one of these festivals with her you quickly remind yourself that it’s not likely to happen. With your family's financial situation being what it is, this is all wishful thinking at best. Even if you could scrounge together enough it would take a whole year and no way you're likely to get a departure date anywhere close to the date of the next festival. But you continue reading regardless. Then comes another one of those strange thoughts from the back of your mind “(I wonder if Ashley and I could elope there?... Wait! What the fuck am I thinking!?)”
The honking of the approaching bus rips your attention back to reality. You stuff the magazine back into your bag and take out your wallet as the bus comes to a stop in front of you. As you board you pay your fare and go to take your seat, aside from a couple other people the bus is near empty so at least there’s not gonna be some snot nose bundle of shit kicking the back of your seat for the whole trip. As the bus lurches forwards you begin to finally relax in the plush seat of the bus, you rest your head against the window, watching the building pass by. While the city does look beautiful, basking in the orangey yellow sunset the decay is painfully evident. Ramshackle homeless shelters on the side of the road, cars on cinderblocks, trash piling up on the street and even the sight of someone being mugged in broad daylight. This city is rotten to its core and there is no saving it, one day it may yet consume you and all you love. Or worse still, it may take from you the one person you cherish, love and adore the most. The one person who could ever understand you, your Ashley. Your annoying, cute, adorable and beautiful little sister. You would burn this city and everyone inside it before you ever let anyone dare to take her away from you.
Around 20 minutes later you walk into what is probably the corniest Gift Shop you’ve ever seen. Hell you’re not even sure if a simple gift would be enough to appease her. “(Does it even matter what I get for her? She’ll just throw it back in my face anyways.)” You sigh deeply as you begin browsing through the store. First on the agenda is chocolate or some sweets. Upon seeing the price tags you’re suddenly very glad you worked a double shift and even skipped school on Monday to go to work. The available selection seems more upmarket than what you’d usually buy at the supermarket, you end up picking out a block of 70% coca dark chocolate with strawberry cream inside the pieces. The symbolism is not lost on you, a bitter exterior that hides a sweetness within just like Ashley. Satisfied with your selection you’re just about to turn to browse the rest of the store you see in the corner of your eye a selection of imported sweets, some from Finland, some from Germany, even a small selection of Whitakers from New Zealand. But what catches your eye the most is the Japanese imported sweets as it’s seemingly been on your mind a lot today
Ashley had talked to you a few months ago about wanting to try Pocky after hearing about it from Julia after she and her family went on holiday to Japan over the last summer break, but it was always either too expensive or outright hard to find. “(Dammit would this remind her too much of Julia? I can’t imagine she wants anything to do with her at all right now)” deciding to take the risk and take the inevitable hit to your finances you grab two boxes of the stuff. “(Now what to do about the rest? Is there even anything here that Ashely would like)” you continue to walk around the store a bit more aimlessly, the sweets were easy but as for something meaningful? You just can’t think of anything right now. “(She doesn't care for these ritualistic gestures in the first place… ‘It’s not sincere.’ she’ll say. “You just did it out of obligation, didn't you??’ Well no shit. Because you’ll throw a fit if I don’t! Then it’s ‘You don’t give a rats ass about me! I knew it already!’)” You bury your face in your hands out of frustration “Arrrgh! JUST WHAT DO YOU WANT, WOMAN?!?! What the fuck do you want!? Just tell me, and I’ll do it!!!”Just as you lift your hands away from the face you glance to the right and lock eyes with a sight that genuinely makes your heart skip a beat. Two bunny plushies side by side, one a rose quartz pink and one a striking emerald green just like the colors of her eyes and your own. They're holding a sign that reads ‘best friends’. “(Okay, whatever. This is as good as it gets.)” Seeing the price tag makes you wince, but… For her… You just want to make her happy, whatever the cost.
Satisfied with your selection of gifts you head to the counter to pay, you're just about to hand over your items when the cashier says something that makes you question everything. “Uh oh. I know that look, did something to piss your girlfriend off eh?” You don’t even know how to answer that. What’s more concerning to you is the fact that he immediately recognized these are the kinds of gifts you buy a scorned lover. You want to tell him ‘Actually these are for my sister.’, but those aren’t the words that escape your mouth. “Er…. Y-yeah something like that. We had an argument and I just wanna patch things up fast before she resents me. (huh why was it so easy to lie about that?)” What hits you immediately after is the fact that you technically weren't lying… a cold sweat runs down your back. Luckily the voice of the cashier snaps you out of it before you begin to spiral. “Well I’m sure she’ll really appreciate this. She’s really lucky to have a boyfriend like you, y’know. Anyway that’ll be $75.89” At this point the price is the least of your current concerns, your hands are shaking as you pull your card out from your wallet, as your hands are too shaky to insert the card you opt to swipe it and enter your pin. With that out of the way you put everything in the shopping bag and turn to leave when you bump right into ‘Douchebag’.
“(Oh shit. Oh god no, not him! FUCK!)” there is absolutely no way you get out of this without him bringing up those fucking rumors again. Time to lay it on smooth “oh h-heyyyy dude how’s it going?” but there is that sly smile upon his face. “Why are you out this late? Buying gifts for your lover?” You already know he means Ashley. Unfortunately he continues to follow you as you exit the store. When you were younger you used to consider this guy one of your friends, now you can’t even remember his actual name, just his moniker. His very existence has been pissing you the fuck off lately. “Dude lay the fuck off, I’m buying these for Julia.” You hope the anger in your voice conveys the hidden meaning of ‘Fuck off, NOW!’ But he’s always been the one to push things too far and unfortunately for you that’s the next thing that spews from his mouth, him pushing things too far. “You know those gifts won’t make it up to your little sister for raping her every night” as he recites the worst possible version of the rumors… That’s when you snap! With more speed and fury than you’ve ever mustered in your life you turn on the balls of your heels and before he can even react your fist connects with his face hard enough to knock him right down onto the pavement! For a brief moment you consider placing your boot on his neck and ending his life right here and now, instead you settle for a solid kick to the stomach while he’s down.
Not wanting to stay in the area after committing assault you make for the nearest bus stop at a brisk pace, checking the time on your phone you should just make it in time for the ride home provided you hurry. “(FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! That asshole just had to push it didn't he?! He couldn’t shut the fuck up about the rumors for one goddamned second!?)” you look to your right hand, the skin on your knuckles is broken, bruised and bleeding. But goddamn that felt good! Maybe now he’ll learn to shut the fuck up.
Taking a seat at the bus stop you find yourself constantly glancing from right to left, paranoid that an officer will snatch you up any second, you observe every car that drives by as anyone of them could be an undercover police car, you’re shaking and shivering not just from the cold but the stress and paranoia. Fortunately your chariot arrives in the nick of time to whisk you away from this place. Once your ride is underway you begin to relax again, taking another look at the gifts you got for Ashley settles your heart. “(Everything will be alright… I hope.)”