Work Text:
It was a good day outside, John McNormalguy thought. He had been watching the trees from the window for the past however many hours when he decided to finally get his ass of the bed and do something productive for once.
Maybe he'd go outside for a walk. Maybe he'd talk to that one friend he had made on Tumblr weeks ago. He stood in front of the window for an amount of time he didn't want to know, watching the birds on the tree in front of his window. Eventually the bird flew off and he was left alone. He decided he'd have a shower. After all, he hadn't done that in months, his body smelled like a corpse for fuck's sake.
John said to himself, "hm, I might as well take the trash out while I'm at it. Not like I have anything better to do." and went to the kitchen. The whole area was a mess. A mess he had created because of his unwillingness to do shit properly.
"Oh. Guess I gotta deal with that as well eventually," John noted. He roamed around the small kitchen, grabbing whatever pieces of trash - instant food packaging, fast food wrappings, empty bottles - and tucked them into a large black bag he had taken from the cabinet under his sink. The place already looked way more liveable in. He could actually see where his electric kettle was, and that was enough for now. He put some tap water into it and turned it on. He grabbed a pack of instant ramen, ripped its packaging apart and threw it into the trash, and realised that after all those times he'd made that same mistake, he still didn't remember not to make it. He looked back at the packaging in the trash bag for the instructions.
"Alright, breakfast's ready..." he soliloquised*. He ate in silence. If he hadn't forgotten to charge his phone the previous night, maybe he'd be watching a video on YouTube now. Probably an hour long essay about something he had no clue even existed. That done, he put the dirty dish onto the ever growing pile near the sink, took the trash bag, his keys, his wallet, and left the house.
John's first thought was "It's so cold, what the hell?" but then he noticed... it was raining. "I'm an idiot. I'm so fucking stupid... of COURSE it's raining. Just PERFECT." He was indeed an idiot. He tossed the trash bag into the garbage bin on the other side of the road like he was a basketball player. "Kobe!" He whispered to himself as it entered directly without touching any of the bin's sides. He decided to go to the park. Fifteen kilometres away. Without an umbrella. And a thin shirt. He didn't know what he was doing, either, don't ask. The walk wasn't as long as he'd thought it would've been.
Once he arrived at the park, he noticed something off. It... wasn't raining. Not here, not on the way, only around his house. "Huh. Neat." He dried off quickly in the sun as well, so it wasn't that much of a problem in his eyes. However the floor tiles in the park were wet. Which he hadn't noticed. So he slipped and fell. "Whu- Fuck..." He got up with some difficulty. Oh, the front side of his jeans was entirely wet. Great. His wallet was probably soaked too. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out to check. It was all soaked, yet it wasn't anything serious. If he just walked carefully, none of his money would be ripped. He decided to continue his walk. Fifteen minutes into it, however, he got bored and turned back. The walk back to his house felt way longer than the walk to the park. What fun.
Once he approached his front door, he took his keys from his pocket and- ah, shit, not again. He forgot his keys inside, didn't he? He could've sworn he took them. "Shit. Shit shit shit shit." But his panic was short lived as he remembered the pet door he had installed on the balcony door for some bizarre reason. He climbed up to it, which was not a difficult task because it was basically one small rock higher than the floor, and rolled himself into the balcony. Then he got in through the mini door. He went to his room and grabbed some clean clothes. What a miracle that he had anything clean to wear. He changed into those in the middle of the corridor leading to the bathroom and emptied the jeans' pockets afterwards. Then, he dumped it into the dirty bin. "I'll take care of that eventually..."
Finally, John remembered that he had yet to charge his phone. He jumped onto the bed and plugged the charger into the outlet on the wall near it. Without getting off the bed, he pulled his laptop close to himself and turned it on. He logged onto Tumblr.
"Huh... a new message? Cool. I wonder who it's from." He clicked on the Messages tab. It was a porn bot. "Oh. Fuck that." He decided he'd mess with the person behind the bot account. He clicked the chat created by the other person's message.
"Hey what's up 😘🥰 sorry to infringe on your privacy, Its said that 'A picture is worth a thousand words" He didn't like the broken grammar in the text. He decided he'd mess with them.
"bro im literally half a nanometer long, im a bacteria," he replied. He checked the time. The message was from last night, 11 PM. Right after he'd gone to sleep. The current time was 8 AM. He liked that he'd made them wait. He got a reply pretty much instantly.
"Uhh OK, Where are you from" they asked.
"fruit", he sent, and nothing else. He went to the kitchen. He was hungry again. He made something to eat.
"What do you mean, Hey" he saw the messages after he came back.
"im a 🦠, i come from 🍑" he replied.
"Is this a bot or what" the bot replied. The fucking audacity... He bit into his food, whatever it was. He didn't care as long as his mouth wasn't empty.
"no this is a fruit
wait, no
this is a bacteria
sorry i was distracted for a second
i usually say bullshit like this when i suspect a message is from a bot
so like
yeah no i was talking like that cuz i thought you were a bot
if you want a picture and a picture is worth a thousand words, it'd suffice to send you a fic with a thousand words no?
i'll get working on that
or not cuz i have homework"
With that final message sent, he realised, no, he didn't have homework. He'd finished school years ago. He opened a new tab on Firefox and typed in www.ao3.icu for the first time in months.
He started writing... 'It was a good day outside, person thought.'