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Chapter Text

Castiel longingly watched his siblings race one another who, unlike him, were not inside the Library and had already finished their Tests. It was required for every fledgling to take the Test if they ever wished to be assigned a full purpose, and finding a place and playing an official part in the Host were the point of their creation. The Test would vary for each fledgling, in order to ensure that there would not be any ideas or techniques copied from the others. If the result of a Test was a failure, the unlucky fledgling would have to wait seven hundred Earth-years before they could take it again.

Castiel refused to wait that long. He will not let himself fail.

Nevertheless, the days were beginning to be more and more discouraging. Almost everyone had completed their Test and passed; a few had failed but at least the long wait for them was finally over. Castiel wondered if he was ever going to be summoned to take his. Some of his siblings had told him to just be patient and be thankful that he was being given a lot of time to prepare; others had joked to him that the superiors had forgotten about him because he was so small. Castiel's wings ruffled at that comment - he was not small; everyone else was simply bigger than him.

He stared again through the multitude of windows of the Library, only to see that the number of his siblings racing each other had increased and had become more colorful. His wings twitched a little at the sight of them. He wanted to fly too, so badly, but until his Test was over there was not really much he could do right now other than accumulate knowledge. All around him were books, scrolls, records, tablets, diagrams and charts, and by this time he had gathered so much that they were all stacked to a height at least five times as big as he was. He needed to study, he had to be prepared for absolutely anything.

But it was so much harder doing this alone.

Most of his siblings had had company during their preparation. Now, however, those who were done were either currently too busy celebrating their success to take considerable notice of him or had already been given official assignments. Castiel was basically on his own, and with a final glance outside, he turned his back to the windows and focused on his studies once more.

As he perused through information after information, he started to wonder (and worry) what his Test could be. Uriel said that he had to burn a continually perfect hole through a thousand layers of tough rock while answering the riddles of a dozen sphinxes around him, and for every riddle he had answered wrong, the hole in the rocks would fill up and he had to begin all over again. Balthazar said that his Test had involved finding his way out a maze practically as expansive as a planet, all the while avoiding detection from a creature full of eyes that was actually the maze itself.

He had heard more perilous and complicated stories from his other siblings, half of which he never wanted to ever experience if he could help it. Maybe he should craft some weapons to bring with him, just in case - but then Castiel did not know even the most basic thing about making weapons. There had to be something in the Library about making weapons; he supposed he could learn from there. However, there were only a few weapons fledglings were allowed to wield, and each fledgling was only permitted to carry one weapon. What if his Test called for a higher level of a weapon? What if the weapon he decided to make would prove useless for his Test? What if his Test did not require a weapon and he would just have wasted valuable time crafting it? What if the superiors had really forgotten about him? And what if...?

Castiel forced his chaotic thoughts to calm down. He was getting distracted. And he only got distracted when he was nervous. And he was only nervous when he did not know what to do. And that only happened whenever he was afraid to fail.

His mind was starting to ache.

He had not come out of the Library for weeks. His wings felt cramped and he was beginning to miss the cool scent and breeze the world outside offered. Nonetheless, he had to keep studying, he had to pass his Test, whatever it may be. He wanted to be a real soldier and contribute to the Host; he wanted to be a real soldier because that was the only way he could contribute to the Host. Everyone else had the ability to contribute in a lot of ways in a lot of areas. Castiel, on the other hand, had been told that he barely possessed enough assets to qualify him a position as a soldier, but it was all he had to go on so he might as well take it.

He was about to start on a new book - one that gave an insight on human food ("What's food?" Castiel thought) - when a great burst of wind suddenly filled the whole Library.

Castiel saw that it was his brothers and sisters who had been racing each other outside, and apparently they had moved their race here. The combined shock wave of their flight had managed to knock him over to a wall beside his towering stack of books. His siblings did not seem to notice that he was there, or if they did, they were too absorbed in their own thrills.

It had been quite some time since Castiel had last been with a sibling up close, and from this distance, all of them appeared... brighter. It was as if passing their Test had enhanced them in some way, made their wings bigger and stronger and their light more amazing. Castiel just stayed where he was and stared at them in awe. He was going to be join them one day, be just like them.

Then, it came to him that his siblings zooming above him were beginning to seriously upset the interior of the Library: scrolls were flying away from their pedestals and books were being opened and having their pages ripped out by the intensity of the wind. Tablets were getting dislodged from their stands due to the extreme vibrations and a few of the windows were suffering from cracks. Shelves were toppling over one another and Castiel realized that he could get hurt here.

He tried making his presence known to them by giving out pulses from his Grace, but they remained oblivious. In the end, Castiel had no choice except to dodge everything that came his way. He was very successful at it, and for a while he believed that his siblings were about to leave and he only had to endure this for just a little longer. After a moment, he discovered that he was right as he watched their formation shift toward the direction of the exit. However, Castiel happened to be right in the path of the exit and it was with panic that he witnessed them coming straight at him.

Castiel protected himself as best as he could as his siblings carelessly whooshed past him. The rush and pull of air seemed to last forever and Castiel just wanted it all to stop. Eventually, it did stop, but as it did so, the sheer gust of wind that trailed behind his brothers and sisters brought an incredibly strong force, one that caused the mounds of reading materials around Castiel to fall on top of him. The whole thing had happened too fast and Castiel was unable to evade the collapse in time. The next thing he knew was that he was buried under innumerable books and pinned down by their weight, plus the fact that he was alone once more.

He tried wriggling out from under the books, but after a few attempts he learned that it was a futile effort. Castiel then tried to get his wings to unfold in the hopes that they could catapult everything above him; however, his wings were still far too soft and the tiny quivers he had managed to make with them only sent a few more large books and tablets to slide onto the pile.

This was bad. Castiel figured he could always remove the books using his powers, although when he tried doing that to a scroll lying in front of him, it did not budge an inch. Shocked, he tried doing the same thing to the tablet next to it, and the result was the same. This was really bad. Were his powers gone? Was this some kind of penalty for him not taking his Test much sooner? Were the Tests over and he had missed his?

As a last resort, Castiel projected a wave of distress toward any of his siblings who happened to be nearby. Unfortunately, it seemed as if his brothers and sisters who had been racing just a short time ago had already placed a considerable distance in between them. Notwithstanding that fact, Castiel kept at it in case another angel came within his very limited range. He hated that he could only communicate through short distances, and the growing anxiety within him was making his signals stutter and that much harder to send.

Where was everybody? Where were his siblings? He was desperately crying out for help and it appeared that there was no one around to hear him. He was starting to get very fretful. What if no one came for him? What if he was going to be stuck here forever? How could he gain a place in Heaven then?

"Hush, little one. I'm here now; I found you. Don't be frightened."

Castiel timidly looked up to see someone standing over him. He smelled of evergreen forests and lush flowery meadows and that put Castiel at ease for a bit.

"Hold still. I'll have these books off you sooner than you think." he assured.

Castiel did what he was told and felt the load on top of him lessen little by little. When he was able to get up, he did it slowly and cautiously met the face of the one who helped him. He did not look familiar, but it only took Castiel less than a second to realize who he was: Joshua, the one who took care of the Garden.

And he was big.

Being a fledgling, Castiel very rarely met the older angels, and whenever he chanced upon them, he was always struck with a blend of wonderment and fear. And right now, he was also struck with embarrassment. What kind of soldier was he if he could not even get himself out of a pile of books?

When Joshua offered a gesture to help Castiel right himself, Castiel merely shrank back in shame, his wings folding in around himself.

"It's alright, there's no reason to feel bad about yourself." said Joshua.

Castiel met his gaze before glancing away just as quickly. "Thank you for helping me," he said quietly, looking down.

The moment Joshua went nearer to him, Castiel's Grace began to shiver in response to his. Joshua's Grace felt as unmovable as a rock, but its radiance had an intricate pattern that closely resembled sunlight breaking through the foliage.

"I believe your name is Castiel; is this true?" Joshua asked.

Castiel hesitantly nodded.

Joshua smiled and knelt down to face him, an act that caused Castiel to retreat a tiny bit backward. "What are you doing here, Castiel?" he asked.

"Preparing for my Test." replied Castiel.

"You mean to say you haven't taken your Test yet?" There was no teasing or bite in his words; on the contrary, he sounded sympathetically curious. Still, that did not prevent Castiel from using his wings to start hiding himself again.

"What's the matter, little one? Are you nervous?" Joshua inquired, a laugh just at the end of his words, but there was concern there as well.

In a way, Castiel guessed that he was nervous. But that was not the part that was really bothering him.

"Did they forget about me?" he shyly asked.

The reaction Joshua showed was either that of surprise or humor. "We never forget about our own family. What makes you think that?" said Joshua.

If Castiel had to be honest with himself, he would say that a lot of things had made him to think that way, one reason being that the superiors had thought that he was so limited in his abilities and therefore had nothing to contribute to the Host. Another reason was that the other fledglings had teased that he was so small hardly anyone noticed him.

Castiel had not been aware that Joshua had come remarkably closer until he felt Joshua tipping his head up to meet his gaze. "Castiel, how long have you been in here?"

That was a good question, and it was a question Castiel discovered he could not answer.

"I don't know anymore." he quietly replied.

Upon hearing that, Joshua placed some distance in between them as if to take in Castiel's whole form. "Well, this certainly won't do. A fledgling such as yourself shouldn't be wasting his entire time holed up with dusty old books for company." said Joshua. He got up and gestured for Castiel to follow. "Come, let's get those wings of yours stretched out, and a bit of fresh air might do you some good too."

Joshua was making his way out of the Library already while Castiel merely stayed where he was, totally unsure of what he should do. He really should get back to studying; his Test could come at any moment and he truly did not want to waste any time doing something tedious or pointless.

As he thought about it, his whole stay here had been tedious, and even kind of pointless. Maybe he should put off studying, at least for the moment.

Castiel hurried after Joshua just as he was crossing the threshold. Joshua smiled at him before he returned looking at what was ahead of him.

It felt nice to be out and about again. Castiel sensed his wings slightly opening up at the lack of walls pressing in on him, and all of a sudden he had an urge to fly. The last time he had took flight seemed far too long ago, when he had to retrieve a chart located on top of the highest shelf of the Library. The open space around him was so tempting the more he marveled at it, that coupled with the fact that the air was completely devoid of any angels made Castiel wish he could just take off.

But then... that could not be right. Where was everybody? The skies of Heaven had never been empty before; usually, there was at least one of his siblings flying about. Come to think of it, where were he and Joshua? Castiel had never seen this part of Heaven before, and he thought that he had already been to every inch of it. Where were they?

"Do you want to know why you couldn't lift those books off you using your powers?" Joshua asked, breaking the silence.

Suddenly very interested, Castiel's attention switched to Joshua and he gave a nod.

"A spell was placed over the Library, one that prevented its contents to be affected by any supernatural powers. It has a long history in it, but it's basically to preserve the reading materials and discourage anyone from tampering with them and altering information." he explained. "However, I think the one who cast the spell forgot about other variables, such as strong bursts of wind ripping pages off and causing things to fall over their little brothers."

Castiel felt himself go stiff for a second. "I'm not little." he muttered.

Joshua regarded him peculiarly before he let out a chuckle. "I never meant it like that. 'Little brother' just means that, in a group of siblings, you are younger. That also means that you have a lot of 'big brothers' who are older than you." said Joshua.

Castiel nodded, taking this information in. Little brother. It sounded... strange in his head.

They continued moving in silence for a while.

"What are your plans, Castiel?" Joshua asked.

"My... plans?" repeated Castiel, unsure what he meant.

"What do you want to do with yourself once this whole Test period is over? I certainly hope I wouldn't have to rescue you from an avalanche of books again." he said jovially.

"I'm going to be a soldier." answered Castiel straight away.

"Really? A soldier? That's certainly an interesting path, isn't it?" remarked Joshua. "Have you considered other paths though? Like joining one of the choirs perhaps?"

Castiel had thought about that, one time. But then he learned that he could not really sing all that well.

"No? What about a healer then?" Joshua pressed on.

Castiel had wanted to give that a try too, but then he realized that he did not want to see his brothers and sisters injured all the time.

"Maybe a messenger, like for the prophets?"

He had not thought about that, or at least not as much as he did with the others. That could be a good option, but then he would always be going back and forth and, really, he would not do all that much. He wanted to go to Earth and do things there, and messengers frequently had very restricted activities. So no; the life of a soldier was the only thing calling for him, the only option he had left.

"I apologize for asking all these questions to you." said Joshua. "It's just that... loneliness can sometimes find its way in the Garden. I hope you understand."

Castiel did. He was lonely a lot of times too, like in the Library.

The silence established itself for a while again. Castiel wondered if they would be heading back to the Library soon; he still had much studying to do.

"I'm sorry, but I have one final question to ask you," said Joshua.

At that, Castiel looked up at him expectantly.

For a second, it appeared as if Joshua was having second thoughts about whatever he had to ask. "Have you ever handled a kitten before?"

TBC