Work Text:
Dear Me,
I think you probably wouldn't understand how we got here. I barely understand it myself. I'll start with the most important thing.
We're happy now.
If I had been able to tell you this, I think you would have told me that we were happy with Dad. We weren't. Not like we're happy now. We're happy and we're free. It's a weird feeling. I put my own name on art now. Well, I use the same characters, at least. Ogura told me that it would be a bad idea to use the same reading as Dad, because someone might figure me out. I just don't put furigana on it and let people assume. Most people think it's Ikuta, which works fine for me.
My art doesn't sell for nearly as much anymore, but I get to keep the money. Yaitabashi helps me sell it online. It's nice to not have to talk to people to sell my art anymore. It was kind of funny after I figured that one out. I told Atsushi I paid the rent and his eyes just about popped out of his face. I think he didn't realize how good I was at this.
I learned how to use the rice cooker last week. Atsushi says that I can make rice whenever I want. It's a little scary, but it's nice. Sometimes I get too scared to do it, and I wait for him to come home. He understands when that happens, though. He always lets me eat. I'm getting used to not being hungry all the time. It's weird.
You might have figured out by that last bit that Atsushi and I live together. He offered to let me stay with him when we all escaped. Hirose offered too, but he's got his hands full with Denden. And I wanted to stay with Atsushi. I've figured out a lot with him. We sat down and talked about it. It was kind of awful, because Atsushi was stupid and didn't tell me what he wanted before, but it worked out in the end. I thought I was repaying him, but I guess he didn't want that. He's a frustrating guy. But he's… he's safe. I talked to Yaitabashi a bit about it. Even though he's annoying, he knows about a lot of stuff. He told me it was normal. Or at least that I'm not unique. I guess there's a word for it, but I don't really care about that. Atsushi isn't like that though, he just didn't want me. I'm still trying to figure out what it means that he wanted me around anyway, but I think I'm starting to get it. We talked about a lot of things, actually. Not everything. I don't want him to know everything. But enough, I think.
Sometimes when I don't want to talk to Atsushi about something, I talk to Matthias. That's weird too. I don't know why he wants to talk to me. But it's nice, I guess. I don't have to wait for him to be shocked or something. He gets it. He's helped me figure out a lot of things that were wrong Before. I can only talk to him online, but that's fine. Ogura made something that she says will make sure no one else can see our conversations. I think I like that.
I'm learning a lot about things everyone else knows. Like the Internet. It's kind of weird, but really cool too. I don't know who told her, but Ruka got it in her head that I need to know more things, so she just sends me random facts every day. My favorite facts are ones about stuff Atsushi doesn't know. I like being able to tell him something new. I'm not ever going to tell her that I enjoy the facts, but I think she knows anyway.
I think Dad thinks we're dead. I don't know how to feel about that. I think you would say that we should go back. But you didn't know that Dad was hurting us. Sometimes I forget, and get scared because I don't have Dad. But it's better now. I was really scared when the rabbit sent me back with Atsushi. I didn't know if I was more scared of going back or not going back. Maekawa and Osamu talked to me about that one. They told me that I don't have to forgive Dad. But that I also didn't have to stop loving him. That I couldn't help it. Well, actually, Maekawa said that Dad could "go fuck himself with a chainsaw" and that "he was shitty and that didn't mean shit about my feelings," but I think that was the idea. I like talking to Maekawa. I don't do it as often as I want to though. I feel bad. But I can't talk to her without thinking about what happened. I'm glad Osamu is helping her.
Sometimes I talk to Denden about things too. Not everything, because I think she doesn't like talking about that. But I talk to her a lot about feeling like a burden. She gets that. Sometimes when I don't get something, or she doesn't get something, we talk to each other first. It doesn't feel as bad to ask her for help. She likes sending me pictures of circles and plushies. We started this thing where she'll send me a picture of an ice sculpture, and then I'll paint it. But I also paint the stuff around the sculpture. Then I send it back to her, and she tries to sculpt my painting and the stuff that got in around the edges of that. It's gotten pretty funny.
We're gonna try and meet up soon. Well, not all of us. I guess Ogura and Matthias can't make it, and I don't know if Ruka or Yaitabashi want to go that far. But me, and Atsushi, and Hirose, and Denden, and Maekawa, and Osamu. We're gonna meet up and spend the day together. I'm looking forward to it, I think. I've been practicing leaving the house with Atsushi, and I think I can make it work. I want to make it work.
I think that things will get better. It's a weird feeling. I like it, though.
Sincerely,
Me