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Subaru makes sure to visit Louanna’s room once every day.
Before Subaru had arrived, the windows were covered with thick curtains, preventing any sunlight from coming in. The room itself was sparsely decorated, making it quite dreary.
Upon Subaru’s insistence, the room underwent a complete overhaul: The thick curtains had been replaced by translucent ones, letting the light seep in during the day; the walls of the room now feature a variety of paintings made by Heinkel himself. Mostly they’re still lifes of bouquets of flowers that Subaru doesn’t know the name of in fancy vases. Sometimes, there would be fruits, or little creatures like moths or lizards peeking out from between the flowers. It’s common sense to assume that so many paintings of the same subject matter inevitably become dull, Heinkel somehow manages to make each painting unique and interesting in their own right.
Like most of the positive changes in the life of the Astrea family, this too had been Subaru’s idea. He threw it out there so the poor guy would get over his dead-sleeping wife, but he has no idea why most of them are so floral.
When asked, Heinkel made a weird face and said “She always liked flowers.”
Subaru still prefers the portraits. There are only a couple throughout the room. All feature Reinhard. One shows Louanna holding Reinhard as an infant, nothing more than a bundle of white cloth, red hair, and a chubby hand reaching out towards his mother. Portrait-Louanna looks down at her son with a smile that Subaru is surprised Heinkel can remember after all of these years.
Subaru’s favorite is the most recent one, and not just because it features him in it. . Reinhard is uncharacteristically disheveled: his hair looks like a bird’s nest with a leaf sticking out of it, his uniform is crooked. Reinhard has an arm around Painting-Subaru, who is in a similar state of disarray. Reinhard looks at Painting-Subaru with flushed cheeks and a similarly uncharacteristic dopey grin. Painting-Subaru, meanwhile, smiles at the viewer.
The room also has a chair for Heinkel when he wants to visit his wife. Subaru sometimes sits in there too, and tells her how Reinhard has improved. Other times, he complains about Reinhard and the other members of the Astrea family. He likes to imagine that Louanna takes his side on things.
Today, Subaru is in a better mood, so he talks about Reinhard and how he has developed a bit of an attitude.
“I wonder if he got that from you,” Subaru muses. “I guess I should be happy because it’s better than being a total doormat. Progress is progress. You better thank me a bunch once you wake up, you know.”
Louanna, like always, says nothing.
Subaru’s mom is a chatterbox. She would always prattle on about her day, the gossip either in the news or about somebody in the neighborhood, or whatever nonsense came up to her mind. Subaru always found it kind of annoying, but he would never dare tell his mom that and break her heart. Now, he would do anything to see her again. Subaru reaches out and begins to braid Louanna’s hair.
Once every few days, Subaru makes himself a useful servant and goes grocery shopping. He normally does this with Gramps and Granny. Today he’s making a Natsuki family special, so he has to get all the ingredients himself.
Subaru, of course, immediately gets sidetracked. There’s this friendly Appa salesman whom Subaru owes a big one to; Subaru takes a detour and buys an apple from him. Boss makes a dollar, he makes a dime, everybody knows how the saying goes.
Someone bumps into him, making him drop the bag. The single lonely appa rolls on the floor and into a dark alley.
“Hey!” Subaru shouts. “Watch it, you jerk!”
The rude stranger— a brat, with a shitty blonde bob or whatever, runs into that same alleyway. Subaru is not the kind of guy who wastes a good Appa, so he follows her.
He almost immediately gets robbed by a trio of thugs. The girl simply dashes past them into the distance, not even looking back at him. Asshole.
Subaru has spent his fair share of time on these streets; he knows he should just give the thugs his money. But, he really doesn’t want to make the walk of shame back to the Astrea manor and have to explain that he got robbed because he is a dumbass, another reminder of his uselessness. Subaru has seen worse than a 2000’s scene kid who thinks threatening people with a knife makes him edgy anyways.
Thankfully for him, Subaru is friends with the strongest person in the world. So, he does what he does best: scream on top of his lungs for help. The big thug tries to cover his mouth with his hands, but Subaru is too experienced at screaming to let something like that stop him.
“That’s enough!” A voice cuts through the alley. It doesn’t belong to Reinhard. It’s much more beautiful, like the melodic chime of silver bells. “Return his belongings at once!”
“Hah?” One of the thugs says. “Who the hell are you?”
The woman standing in front of them is so attractive it makes Subaru want to kill himself. With long silver hair and amethyst eyes, she looks like one of those figurines that Subaru would beg his parents to buy for his room. She raises her hand, and a bright blue light begins to glow from her palm.
The three thugs tense for combat, and—there’s a blur of white. Before Subaru can process what has happened, the thieves are piled up against the wall, unconscious.
“Subaru,” Somebody—Reinhard, grabs him by the shoulders, eyes searching for injuries.“Are you alright?” Despite his years of practice of forced neutrality, Reinhard’s cadence always betrays him.
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Subaru takes a step back and flashes a quick smile. Reinhard always has been like this when Subaru gets hurt.
“Ah—I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” The girl frowns, looking unsure of herself. Subaru’s heart does somersaults in his chest. Sure, Reinhard and his Ikemen looks never fails to make Subaru’s heart skip a beat, but this girl is on a whole different level.
“Nope! Nuh-uh! Not at all!” Subaru waves his hands, sidestepping Reinhard. He has to—get close to her, know her, do something. He dusts off his Butler’s uniform, and bows. “Thank you for saving me!”
“Subaru…” Reinhard frowns, like he always does when Subaru does something in public that he doesn’t approve of.
“What?”
The woman blushes, and dear god, the tips of her ears turn a bright pink. It makes Subaru want to nibble on them. She raises her hands, “It wasn’t really me. If anything, you should thank your friend!”
Reinhard, as if on cue, bows besides him much more gracefully than Subaru ever could. “Thank you for saving him, Lady Emilia.” He steps between them, blocking Emilia from view. “I am greatly in your debt. Is there anything I can do to repay you?”
There’s a pause. Subaru steps to the side, Emilia looks embarrassed. “Actually, I do have something I would like to have help with. Have you two seen a suspicious character run through this alleyway?”
Wait—that brat from earlier. Suspicious was her middle name. Subaru takes another step so he can see Emilia again. “Yeah. Short girl, blond hair, red eyes?”
Emilia lights up, and Subaru prays to whatever god decided to show him favor today. “Yes! That must be the girl who took it from me. It was veeery important, so I would like it back as soon as possible!”
Reinhard takes another step, blocks Emilia from view again, and Subaru almost thinks that this is intentional. But he knows Reinhard, and how despite all of his various gifts he can’t read a social cue to save his life, so he gives him some grace. “Are you referring to,” He pauses. “That item that was given to you a while ago?”
Silence. Emilia’s silver hair blows into the wind. Subaru cannot see either of their faces; the light from the entrance frames the pair in a massive halo.
“She’s run into the slums somewhere. It’ll be almost impossible to find her.” Subaru puffs out his chest, points his thumb at his heart. “But I can be the man of the hour! I will—”
“Subaru,” says Reinhard, “The slums are a dangerous place.”
“C’mon man, I lived in the slums! I know the places to look—the people to ask!” There’s a flash of hurt, which Subaru covers with a petulant pout.
“You haven’t been in there for a long time.” Reinhard makes that facial expression again- every time Subaru mentions his life in the slums, Reinhard looks at Subaru like he’s the sorriest person in the world.
Somehow, it’s worse this time. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s using his customer service voice. Maybe it’s that fact that Reinhard thinks the customer service voice will work on him.
Something in Subaru snaps.
“So what are you going to do? Just ask some random people you find in the street? Because they would totally be willing to cooperate with the Sword Saint, huh?”
There aren’t many who notice how Reinhard’s shoulders tense when a nerve has been struck; it’s only then that Subaru realizes what exactly he’s said.
“You haven’t been there in a long time. It would make me uneasy to have a- dear friend in danger during such a high stakes mission.” Reinhard doesn’t stoop to Subaru’s level, he never does.
Subaru takes the hint: he doesn’t belong here. He’s never belonged anywhere, not really. His family and friends back home barely tolerated him, and the Astreas keep him around out of pity. With the way he’s been acting, he’s impressed they even keep him around.
And yet, some part of Subaru can’t help but wish that Reinhard wasn’t here. Subaru could have actually been able to go with Emilia, get to know her, have a cute little adventure, and maybe even do something great with his life, like his parents thought he would.
Subaru knows he’s fragile and weak and frequently an idiot. His ideas are never solid enough to stand on their own, He’s only gotten this far due to the kindness of others.
Reinhard outshines him in every way imaginable. There’s no way for Subaru to stand out with a guy like that around. He’d just be a nuisance. God. He’s pathetic. Disgusting.
“Fine.”
He can’t bring himself to look at Emilia. She probably thinks he is an immature buffoon, and she wouldn’t be wrong.
Reinhard smiles at him, pretty as can be. “Thank you, Subaru. I can take care of the groceries too—you deserve to take a rest, after all of this.”
Somehow, Subaru is holding the bag with the Appa again. He can’t bring himself to question how Reinhard was able to do that without him noticing.
“Subaru-dono. Something is upsetting you.” Wilhelm raises his sword.
Subaru pushes himself up from the mud. It’s weird that Wilhelm uses that title for him; he’s done nothing to deserve it. “I didn’t sleep well. It’s crazy that servants have to get super early.”
Subaru grabs his blade, and gets back into a defensive position. He winces a bit, both at the pain and how much effort it’ll take to get the mud off his pants. Whatever. He’s here to blow off some steam.
Wilhelm swings, Subaru manages to block it with a loud clack. The force still manages to make Subaru stumble back, an impressive feat considering they’re both using wooden swords.
“Your reflexes are still sharp.” Wilhelm says, too amused for it to just be a compliment.
Subaru feels his face flush. “Me and Reinhard got into an argument. It’s all water under the bridge.”
Wilhelm hums, effortlessly blocking another one of Subaru’s strikes. “When I was a young ,even though I prided myself as a man whose life was dedicated to the sword, my mind did wander when I was practicing; often to whatever was upsetting me at the moment. Someone who knew me well could tell just by looking at the way I swung my blade.”
Wilhelm warmed up to Subaru almost immediately after he arrived in the manor. Once, Wilhelm offhandedly mentioned once that he had liked the look in Subaru’s eyes. Subaru relents, and recounts the events of earlier today, with many kind words about how Reinhard acted towards him. And a bit about how he feels bad.
Wilhelm is expressionless for a few moments.
“I do think—” Wilhelm pauses. More silence. “I am terrible with words. With emotions and feelings, even more so.”
“And?”
“My wife… there were times when I used to resent her, for her strength. She would do things that I thought were insults. Some of them definitely were: she wasn’t perfect. I would sometimes say things I didn’t mean, and would regret them immensely afterwards. This happened even after we got married. I think it was, sometimes, a good thing.”
Strange. Subaru swears that he’s never seen Wilhelm speak ill of his wife before. And yet, there’s that wistful glint in his eye; the same one he always gets whenever he speaks of her.
“But I was a jerk. So was Reinhard.”
“Pain,” Wilhelm rests a hand on his own shoulder, “Is the price we pay for connection. Making mistakes is inevitable, especially if you want to truly get to know someone.”
Something’s missing, Subaru thinks. Something’s been eluding him for a long, long time. Maybe even before he came to this world. It’s been getting worse, nagging him like a grain of sand at the back of his eye.
“I mean… me and Reinhard’s situation is pretty different from your situation.”
Wilhelm loudly clears his throat. “As I said before, I am bad with words. My apologies.”
Unlike Wilhelm, he’s hopeless with the blade. There is no war. No dragon to slay, and the witch cult has been inactive for decades. The title of sword saint weighs heavy on Reinhard’s shoulders, and not even Subaru’s foolish enough to think he can get Reinhard to put down the sword. If anything, Subaru’s the one who needs saving—the damsel in distress.
“I think you’re underselling your skill with words. You sound like a pretty good talker to me.” Subaru gets back into position and raises his sword. Now, he’s much better at taking and blocking blows. It’s the one thing he’s good at.
“I would recommend trying to talk to Reinhard about all of this,” Wilhelm says. “I am sure he has his reasons for acting the way he does.”
Before Subaru can react to that, Wilhelm swings his blade.
Subaru still remembers the last time Heinkel got wasted. It was over a year ago, and Subaru had to keep watch over Heinkel until he woke up. The air was hot and suffocating, the lingering stench of vomit impossible to ignore.
After what felt like forever, Heinkel sits upright, slaps a hand on his forehead, and groans.
“Have a nice nap?” There’s a glass of water in Subaru’s hands. He wants to chuck it at Heinkel’s face.
Heinkel turns to him with a scowl. “What the hell are—” He squints for a moment, and then his face drops. “Fuck.” He buries his head in his hands, nails digging into his own scalp. “What did—what did I do?”
Subaru places the glass of water by his desk. They’ve both done this song and dance before. They will probably do it again. “Just ramble a bunch of nonsense.”
“Kid. I’m sorry.” Heinkel’s voice cracks, and he looks a little bit too much like he’s drunk again.
“Don’t apologize to me!” Subaru laughs, “If anything, apologize to Granny. She had to clean up after the mess you made.”
“You’re just a kid,” Heinkel says. “You shouldn’t have to deal with my fucked up shit. You shouldn’t have to deal with this family’s fucked up shit.”
Subaru frowns. Nowadays, Heinkel always says stuff like this after he gets drunk. Subaru’s been through worse, anyways. Once, Heinkel turned his blade on Subaru during a drunken rage of his. It was a few years ago, back when Subaru was new to the manor, everything was worse, and he didn’t know any better. It technically didn’t happen, and Heinkel is now more of a sad drunk than an angry drunk anyways.
Before he was a servant of the Astreas, he was a naive brat in the slums of Lugnica; he had gotten himself killed more times than he would like to admit. While the Astrea family was definitely dysfunctional, even at its worst it couldn’t hold a candle to the cruelty of the outside world.
“It’s fine—”
“No it isn’t.” Heinkel’s hands fall off of his face. “I made a promise.”
Subaru sighs. Even after all of this time, he still doesn’t get why promises are such a big deal in this world. This isn’t even the first time he’s broken the promise, anyways.
Heinkel stumbles out of the bed, cursing under his breath.
“Wait!” Subaru attempts to chase after him, but to no avail. Even while hungover, the Astreas are all freaks of nature.
Heinkel hesitates for a moment and ruffles Subaru’s hair. And despite looking like absolute dogshit, he smiles.
“You’re a good kid. You deserve better than this.”
Something raw has been struck—a new kind of pain springs forth in his chest. Subaru doesn’t know what to say as Heinkel shuts the door behind him.
Later, Subaru hears from Granny that Heinkel marched straight up to her and declared that he’s officially banning alcohol from the Astrea manor, right before passing out on the floor.
Finally, it’s dinner time—the biggest event of Subaru’s day.
The Astrea family dining hall scared Subaru when he first came to this manor. The hall is lavishly decorated, lined with portraits of all of the past sword saints all staring down at whoever is unfortunate to eat there. The dining table feels like more people are supposed to sit at it.
Wilhelm is dressed in the same Butler’s getup as before. Subaru’s a bit upset that he didn’t even manage to make Wilhelm’s suit a bit dirty.
Heinkel is in his Deputy Commander outfit. Today has clearly been a long day for him; even after all this time, he still isn’t used to doing his job.
Reinhard waves at him as soon as Subaru enters the room, as if they never had their argument earlier today. He’s wearing the knight-cape-jacket-weird-cloak-thing that he never seems to take off, the hilt of the dragon sword Reid points up from behind the table.
Subaru claps his hands and lifts the covering off the food in a dramatic fashion.
“Today is—pea day!”
Wilhelm furrows his eyebrows, Heinkel’s face darkens, Reinhard smiles as if he’s completely unphased.
Calling it pea day is an exaggeration—there’s plenty of meat and carbs and stuff, but the dining table is dominated by a massive pile of peas.
“It was kind of obvious from the start, you brat. It’s not like there’s a reveal for any other day except for pea day,” grumbles Heinkel. He begins to rub his forehead, as if he’s fending off a headache, and pushes the pea-pile away from him.
“It is rude to speak of Subaru-dono’s efforts in that way,” Wilhelm tuts, pushing the peas back to Heinkel. “During the Demi-human war, I frequently found myself exhausted. After I ate my vegetables, I regained all of my energy.”
“Bullshit! I’m not five, do you really think I’d believe you???” Heinkel shoves the peas back at Wilhelm.
Wilhelm is a stoic man, but his eyes always give away his true feelings. He’s currently deciding if it’s worth it to start a feud with Heinkel over who’s going to eat the peas.
Ultimately, Wilhelm chooses peace and nudges the dish at Reinhard. “You are a growing young man, Reinhard. Won’t you do your grandfather a favor and eat these peas for him?”
“I regretfully must turn down your request. As the youngest member of the house Astrea, it is my duty to ensure the health and safety of the elders within my family.” Reinhard smoothly slides the peas back towards Heinkel—a full circle.
“Eat the peas, Reinhard. As the Deputy commander of the knights of Lugunica, I command you."
“I am currently on leave due to having dinner with my family. Since I am off duty, I am not bound to the commands of the deputy commander.”
Watching all of them bicker, the strange pain from before returns to Subaru’s chest.
“Aren’t there starving children in—uh. Vollachia?”
“Gusteko.” Reinhard corrects. “Gusteko is famous for their famines.”
Heinkel flicks a pea at Subaru. Subaru dodges it with a duck, and sticks his tongue back.
“That’s no way to treat your faithful servant! You should eat some peas to make up for my hurt feelings.” Subaru says, because he wants Heinkel to eat as many peas as possible.
Before Subaru does some unprofessional dramatic gesture, Reinhard grabs Subaru’s wrist. “Subaru, why don’t you join us?” His voice is soft, kind, and gentle. Subaru silently curses the gods for making Reinhard that beautiful.
“Yes,” Wilhelm nods. “I do think it is unfair that Subaru-dono is unable to enjoy the vegetables of his own labor.”
Subaru glances at the plate of peas. And back at Reinhard, who is looking up at him with those hopeful eyes. Apparently, exposure therapy doesn’t work when it comes to dealing with hot people, since he's currently incredibly grateful that Reinhard is wearing gloves right now. If Reinhard knew he inspired such impure thoughts in him, Subaru would probably throw himself off a cliff. He has a strong urge to kiss Reinhard, but settles for sitting next to him instead.
The moment he takes a seat, Heinkel pushes the plate of peas right up to his face.
It’s only in the evening that Subaru has the courage to actually talk to Reinhard and knocks at his bedroom door. The door opens, and Subaru squints his eyes shut and bows.
“I’m sorry!”
Reinhard raises his eyebrows. He’s recently showered, and now’s wearing a blue bedrobe with a towel over his neck. Subaru tries not to stare at Reinhard’s chest.
“It’s okay,” Reinhard smiles. “I forgive you.”
It’s too simple; despite the fact they are face to face, the distance between them seems insurmountable. Wilhelm’s words linger in the back of his mind.
“I—” Reinhard starts, beating Subaru to the punch. “I have something I wish to discuss. Please, let us continue our conversation in my room.”
This is dangerous territory. Back in the beginning, when the both of them were eleven, twelve, Subaru went to Reinhard’s bedroom all the time. They would have sleepovers and pillowfights as Subaru tried to convince Reinhard that he wouldn’t kill everybody he touched and was in fact worthy of friendship. He’d like to think he succeeded, considering Julius and Felix. After puberty, and Reinhard’s duties increased, these sleepovers have become less and less frequent. Or maybe they haven’t, and Subaru’s just making it all up in his mind. They probably aren’t going to have a sleepover anyways.
“Yeah. Sure!” Subaru says, sticking his hands in his pockets in order to seem like he’s calm.
Reinhard opens the door wider and walks into his bedroom. Subaru can’t tell what he’s thinking. He wants to scratch his arms until his fingertips turn red. Instead, he follows Reinhard in.
Reinhard’s room is—well, very Reinhard. Pristine, perfectly organized, spacious, and ornate enough to belong to a young rich pretty boy. Subaru’s own room is drab in comparison. There’s the window he was kicked out of once after activating Reinhard’s sword saint killer reflexes.
Reinhard’s staring at him. There’s a pause. “Can I—can you do the ‘lap-pillow’?”
“Eh?” This isn’t where Subaru thought this was going. Subaru once offered to give Reinhard the lap-pillow treatment in a desperate attempt to get him to open up. It worked a little too well, and Subaru doesn’t have the heart to tell him that it’s something a waifu is supposed to give to the generic male lead.
Reinhard looks around, sheepish. “My apologies. If it makes you uncomfortable, then-”
“No! I’m super chill with that!” Subaru sits on Reinhard’s bed, scooches back a bit. Banishes the unholy thoughts that the sight of an uncertain Reinhard gives him.
Reinhard swallows; somehow, even his throat is a thing of beauty. Wordlessly, he settles next to Subaru, head plumping on his lap. Somehow, his hair is dry—must be the result of some divine protection.
“So, what do you want to talk about?” Subaru asks. He knows the drill.
Reinhard shifts, hunches his back. Turns so that Subaru can’t see the face he’s making. “Something happened today.”
Subaru’s hands sink into Reinhard’s hair, rub slow circles on his scalp. Reinhard reacts to the touch like a dog; the tension is his shoulders release and his back muscles relax.
“Lady Emilia and I went searching for the missing insignia,” Reinhard continues.
“Did you find it?” Subaru blurts. Pieces fall into place. He thinks of Emilia and her long silver hair. It only makes him wish could’ve helped even more.
Silence. “We were able to retrieve it, yes.” There’s a strange tension in his voice.
It’s a bit difficult to do from Subaru’s angle, but his hands move down to massage the back of Reinhard’s neck with light, long strokes. His skin is warm.
“Our search led us to a warehouse,” Reinhard says. “We were attacked by the bowel hunter. I managed to defeat her. But then on the floor I saw—corpses. The girl who had stolen from Lady Emilia and an old man. Their stomachs were sliced open.” An exhale. Reinhard shuts his eyes. “The girl—she had golden hair and red eyes.”
There’s more silence. Subaru doesn’t know what to say. The girl’s nothing more than a blur of yellow and brown in his mind. It makes him nauseous.
“I was too late. Somehow, the bowel hunter survived my attack and she attacked lady Emilia. I couldn’t stop her. She survived but—I failed.”
“It could have been you,” Reinhard says. He’s shaking now. “In the alleyway- If Emilia wasn’t there—they could have killed you.”
“I would have been fine!” Subaru interrupts. He makes sure there’s no direct physical contact between them. “They were just some random thugs who wanted to mug me. Plus, I can fend for myself, see?” Subaru flexes a bicep. It’s not visible underneath the butler’s jacket.
Reinhard looks at him, unphazed. “I keep failing you. Please, Subaru. Be more careful. Remember in the forest—you almost died. Subaru, you have unfortunate luck. I can’t—I can’t lose you. You’re my best friend. Please.”
Subaru feels like shit. He hates—Reinhard shouldn’t sound like that anymore. Especially because of him. Subaru’s grateful for the taboo around return by death. Things are much less messy this way. Every time Subaru gets badly injured, Reinhard hovers around him for days, weeks on end. As if Subaru’s wounds would spontaneously reopen. He doesn’t want to imagine what it’d be like if Reinhard figured out that Subaru has died, multiple times. It’s natural that some attention would be drawn to him, since he is so close to someone as strong as the sword saint. A weakness.
“I’m not your responsibility, you know.” Subaru flicks Reinhard’s forehead—and misses, because he somehow activated a divine protection.
“I’m an absolute idiot. You’re just a guy, remember? It’s dumb to think that you’re responsible for cleaning up my messes.”
Maybe Subaru’s purpose in life is to be that side character who orbits around someone much more important. When Subaru thinks of his home, he thinks of Reinhard, the Astreas, the manor. If something happened to them, Subaru would die without hesitation.
“This world is filled with morons. It’s impossible to save everyone. It’s on people like the bowel hunter lady that bad things happen, not on you who didn’t even know it was happening. If you were like omniscient or whatever, you would end up having a massive headache 24/7 and unable to help anyone.”
Silence. Reinhard goes still. He doesn’t look troubled anymore. “You do make a good point. I do disagree on one thing—you’re not an idiot. You’re only an idiot half the time.”
Subaru feels the blood rush up to his face. “Hey! I was fishing for a compliment there!”
“My apologies, but wouldn’t that weaken what you told?” Reinhard looks genuinely amused. Since he’s so good-looking, it’s an even more irritating sight.
Subaru crosses his arms. “Shut up. You’re a jerk.”
Reinhard laughs at that, and Subaru isn’t able to be that angry anymore. They settle into a nice silence.
“Can you stay?” Reinhard asks, eventually. “It has been a while. And I would appreciate the company since—”
“Duh,” Subaru interrupts. “Of course I’ll stay. I call the bed, though.”
“Of course,” Reinhard beams. “I can sleep on the floor.”
“You’re supposed to fight back!” Subaru says. Now he feels like an asshole. “Fine! “Since I’m the guest, I’ll sleep on the floor.” Pause. “Or we could share the bed?”
Subaru isn’t sure how normal physical contact between friends are in this world. Or sharing a bed. His family was always big on hugs. Subaru never is quite able to read the room, so he doesn’t trust his own intuition on if everyone else was like that. When they used to have sleepovers more often, they would turn Reinhard’s bed into a pillow fort, and tell scary stories under the covers. Every time, Reinhard would promise to vanquish the monster so Subaru wouldn’t feel scared.
“Yes.” Reinhard says, yawning. He doesn’t bother to get up.
“How slothful.” Subaru remarks. Reinhard doesn’t respond. Subaru knows that Reinhard was deprived of this growing up, so he gives in, and rubs circles on Reinhard’s back. He can feel Reinhard’s muscles ripple and shift under his touch.
Despite being a pretty boy, Reinhard is also incredibly well built. It’s unfair. Just looking at him makes Subaru want to work out more.
Reinhard’s thighs would give an incredible lap pillow. Subaru likes to think he has the better glutes, but Reinhard’s is nothing to scoff at. Reinhard’s chest, shoulders, and biceps curve in a way that makes Subaru’s mouth go dry if he thinks about it for too long. His eyelashes are a beautiful red that almost glimmers in the light.
Reinhard’s fallen asleep; he doesn’t stir when Subaru attempts to wiggle out under Reinhard.
“I’m not tucking you in.” Subaru says.
Subaru takes off his butler’s jacket, hangs it on the side of the bed. He’s too lazy to go back to his room to grab his bedrobe, so he’ll have to manage sleeping in what is basically his uniform. He’s slept under much worse conditions.
There’s a knife on the cupboard. It glints in the moonlight, on the other side of the room. Something shifts in his gut. Subaru creeps towards the silver specks of light. It’s more of a dagger than knife. There’s some fancy design on the hilt that Subaru can’t make out in the darkness, but the blade is still sharp. Sharp enough to do the job.
He thinks of Emilia and her beautiful voice. The thief-girl and her terrible fate. Reinhard’s implication of her true identity. When he met Emilia, he felt—something. Something terribly important. There’s a woman who visits Subaru in his dreams. Under her mourning veil, she gently weeps.
Subaru raises the dagger to his throat.
He can fix this. Maybe he can repent for his past slothfulness, the ones he failed to save.
Subaru wants—
He wants to be a hero. Like his father. Like Reinhard. To be the Isekai protagonist and not the nameless servant.
Subaru looks back at the bed. Reinhard is still sound asleep. Unaware of his surroundings.
Love is an illogical thing. He’s in love with Reinhard, even though Reinhard probably doesn’t love him that way back. That woman whose name Subaru cannot remember loves him for reasons he doesn’t understand.
What if Reinhard wakes up, right after Subaru stabs himself? What if he manages to stop his death? Subaru doesn’t want to imagine that reality. He doesn't want to see again the face Reinhard would make if he couldn’t save him, holding Subaru helplessly as he dies. Reinhard’s plea from their most recent conversation. If Subaru were to die, Reinhard would blame himself.
He can’t do it.
The dagger falls to his side, his breath grows ragged. How long has he been standing here for?
Subaru is a greedy man. Maybe he can get himself killed tomorrow, in a way that looks like an accident. If he turns back time, does it even matter? Or he can simply not die. It would be easier. Maybe he’s already too late, again. He walks over to the bed, and slips the blade in an inner pocket of his jacket. He can make that decision tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep.
For a moment, he steals a glance at Reinhard. It is rare to see him unguarded like this, the burdens of the sword saint a world away.
Subaru can’t get underneath the covers, so he lies right next to him instead. Reinhard moves in his sleep, and presses an arm against Subaru’s back. The touch is sinfully warm, and Subaru can’t help but lean back into it.
This is nice, Subaru thinks. The boy he likes is by his side, totally at peace.
For tonight, this is enough.