Work Text:
The blue woman slams a box on the counter. "This is defective. I want a new one."
“Sure thing. May I please see your receipt?”
Tcaolin frowns in concentration and pulls the receipt from thin air. “Fine. Here.”
The person behind the counter barely glances at it. "Okay, looks like that was the fourth of last month. Did you purchase the extended warranty?"
"No. Why would I need a warranty?"
They stare at each other a moment over the Customer Service counter.
“Ma’am, I’m afraid our return policy - here, it’s on the back - is that it has to be within two weeks, and in the original packaging. As it’s now July ninth, and none of our Champion models come standard in blood-stained boxes without any packing tape, replacement would only be covered under an extended warranty.”
“No. You have to replace him with a better one, as he never performed as advertised. I will rip your liver out through your throat and mail it to Corporate with my complaint if I must.”
“Ma’am, please don’t threaten me. It’s in the instructions that you have to be really specific in your orders, and unclear phrasing on your part would never be covered under warranty.”
Tcaolin’s nostrils flare. “You insufferable pipsqueak. I am always precise in my orders. Your Champion, though, stopped responding to orders correctly. It may even have been self-determining, in which case I will bring the entire fury of the federal commission down on your company, with particular attention to making your life thoroughly miserable.”
“If he wasn’t working correctly from the start, why didn’t you bring him back right away?”
“Because I am a God!”
And then the enraged Tcaolin ate everyone’s souls, turning them into rage-zombies and getting herself banned permanently from the store.
She never got a replacement Champion, and was stuck with the defective one forever.