Work Text:
It starts with a suspiciously long car-ride.
They aren’t going on a mission - that much had been made abundantly clear by Enjin, twirling the jeep’s keyring around his finger. It had seemed a little odd, in retrospect, given that this vehicle was one of only three operational cars that Cleaner’s headquarters had, and thus one was not permitted to take it out on anything as juvenile as a midday joy-ride.
Enjin taps his fingers against the dashboard to the beat of Too Lily’s new hit single, the garish keychains by the front mirror swinging wildly as he drives - somewhat irresponsibly. For the sake of the kids he’s avoided belting out the high notes. His free hand then occupies itself with the old, defunct air vents.
“You still haven’t told us where we’re going,” Zanka says. Squished next to him in the backseat, Rudo jams one of his pointy elbows into his side and doesn’t seem to notice. Gravel crunches beneath the tires and, headed downhill, they catch a second of airtime before gravity drags them back down onto the ground. “Watch the road!”
“Yeah, yeah,” Enjin replies, “Anyways, thought I told you we weren’t going anywhere.”
From experience, both Riyo and Zanka can tell he’s about to slow down, so they both grab onto their respective door-handles and, in a truly heart-warming act of teamwork, cross their other arms in front of Rudo to prevent him from flying face-first into the center console. One of them makes a sound like a woodland creature being strangled as Enjin steps on the brakes and they all jerk forward. Probably Zanka.
“Alright,” He turns around to grin at the three of them, “Everybody still with us?”
“Rudo didn’t hit his head this time.” Riyo says, patting an errant swirl of his hair. Rudo stares into the middle distance unblinkingly, which is either a consequence of multiple back-to-back concussions or whiplash. “See? That wasn’t so bad.”
“He wouldn’t have hit his head last time if he put his seatbelt on like I told him to-”
“The middle seatbelt in the back doesn’t even work,” Riyo replies, stretching out the syllables. “And you’re not even wearing a seatbelt. Cut him some slack. And if we’re gonna criticize anyone, shouldn’t it be him?” She points a finger at him, the cherry-red nail polish chipped away from one too many anxious, sleepless nights.
“I resent that,” Enjin says, opening the door and sliding out of the car. Reluctantly, the rest of team Akuta follows, “My driving is fine. It’s the road that’s the problem.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself.”
“Anyways, we’re here because you three need to learn how to drive.”
Zanka doesn’t dare to show direct disobedience, but his nose does scrunch up in a way that denotes disdain. Riyo shoves her hands deeper in her pockets and Rudo’s brow furrows like he can’t quite figure out why they’d ever have to.
“...isn’t the car only for, like, jobs?” He asks.
“Of course - and I already got permission to use it!” They stare at him blankly. “Oh, c’mon, guys, you don’t think I’d sneak a car out behind the boss’ back, do you?”
Zanka mumbles something that might be intended to defend his honor but he can’t really hear it over the hum of the engine so it basically doesn’t count.
“Wow. Kids these days are so ungrateful. Back in my day you’d be lucky if you even saw a car-”
Riyo leans down to say to Rudo, “If cars were even invented by that point-”
Rudo guffaws in that distinctly strange-looking way of his. Zanka is at least smart enough to cover his traitorous laugh with a cough.
“Kidding, kidding!”
“Alright, enough out of you, which one of you brats is going first? How about this - Zanka, hop in the driver’s seat.”
Zanka shuffles his feet and squints his eyes at the keys.
“Oh, c’mon, I know you’ve got it in you.”
He perks up a little. Is using his desire for support from authority figures underhanded? Probably, yeah, but Enjin’s on a time limit and he has to get this car back to HQ by five. It’s a win-win, really. He’s doing great at this team leader shit.
“You ever seen a car’s dashboard up close?”
“No.”
“Really?”
“You only ever let Gris sit in the passenger seat.” Zanka replies, approaching the steering wheel like it’s going to attack him. And given the past few months they’ve had, Enjin can’t even fault him for his caution. “Everyone put your seatbelts on.”
Rudo leans forward until his face peaks out from between the driver and passenger seat. “But Enjin never makes us wear seatbelts-”
“Yeah, and last time he hit a bump you flew out of your seat and hit your head on the roof so hard we had to take you to Eisha-”
“That was an accident! The car isn’t even on!”
“Seatbelts, or the car won’t ever be on.”
Riyo rolls her eyes but does as she’s asked, prompting Rudo to do the same, albeit grumbling, “Okay mom.”
“If we have to wear seatbelts, so do you.” Rudo says petulantly, kicking his heel against Enjin’s seat and leaving a muddy footprint on the upholstery. Granted, the inside of the car is already pretty wrecked from years of faithful travel through the badlands so it doesn’t stick out as much as it probably should. That, and everybody keeps leaving their wrappers and dirt and blood all over the place. Enjin heaves an overly dramatic sigh, but Zanka doesn’t back down. Looks like he’s growing a backbone. That’s a good marker for his self esteem, probably.
“Fine, fine.”
Rudo sinks down as far as the seatbelt will let him and kicks at Zanka’s seat next. “Can you hurry up already, turdface? I want to get this over with.”
Riyo grins, “Don’t speak to your mother that way.”
Zanka turns on the car. He seems visibly relieved when nothing bursts into flames. “‘Ya didn’t actually tell me what I was supposed to do.”
Enjin crosses his arms behind his head. “It’s super easy - you shift to drive and then you press the gas. Real intuitive. Oh, wait, no you need to press the brakes - the other pedal-”
After a moment of fidgeting with the buttons, he’s figured out the radio (which he immediately shuts off, much to Riyo and Rudo’s displeasure), the turn signals (which Enjin’s never used a day in his life), and discovered that the rear windshield wipers are still serviceable, somehow.
“Uhh, basics, right - the air doesn’t work, the passenger window switch is sticky, and - oh, there’s that little orange light. Gris called that something. Something warning? Wait, no,” He snaps his fingers, “check engine light, that’s what it was.”
Zanka glances at him. “Is that s’pposed to be on?”
“Eh, it’s fine. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. You can start now, slowly.” Enjin feels like he’s forgetting something important. He mulls it over as the car slowly lurches into motion, creeping across the ground at a snail’s pace. He’s gonna let Zanka figure out the accelerator for himself.
“Can’t you go any faster?”
“He’ll figure it out eventually.”
“Could a car be a vital weapon?” Rudo asks, placing his gloved palms flat against the seat.
“I mean, theoretically, yeah. Why?”
Rudo looks him in the eye, steadfast and blank. “This car hates you.”
Rudo refuses to elaborate on his previous statement, and Zanka does not, in fact, ‘figure it out’. Enjin is nearly sure he’s doing it on purpose - keeping them at this excruciating crawl through the polluted zone at five miles per hour. Stubborn little shit.
Behind them, Riyo and Rudo are playing a game to pass the time (“I…spy with my little eye…? That’s how you say it? Really? Something green.” “Is it trash?” “Yeah.” Rinse and repeat). In a similar fashion Enjin decides to introduce a thought experiment of his own.
“Pop quiz - Kyoka and Goka appear in the middle of the road, what do you do?”
“I know this one!” Riyo says. “Accelerate!”
“If you turn the car you can hit both of them.” Rudo offers.
“The brakes! I’m hitting the brakes!” For some reason, that does actually make him ease into the gas a little more, until they’re at a more comfortable cruising speed. His knuckles are still pressed white against the steering wheel, but it’s progress.
“The right answer was Goka actually.”
Zanka sighs heavily. “I’m gonna drive this car off a cliff.”
“Ah ah ah - what did we say about the suicide jokes?”
It looks like he’s trying to covertly roll his eyes - Enjin derives the smallest sliver of pride from that. Not too long ago he would’ve been too scared to breathe wrong in his direction. “That I’m not allowed to because-”
“-because nobody can ever tell if you’re joking, exactly. Okay, pull over here and then you’re off the hook - Riyo, you’re up next.”
Enjin didn’t go into this job expecting to be a brat wrangler. He’s never considered himself much of a teacher. To that effect he is mildly wary of what the sixteen year old child assassin is going to do with the car. Nothing too terrible, he hopes. He still needs to get it back or his paycheck is on the line, as well as whatever professional integrity he has left.
“What does this do?” She asks, swiping her fingers across the console and pressing every single button as she goes. The radio comes back on with full blast static - Enjin rushes to switch to a different channel so they can listen to something other than the car cursing at them in its mother tongue. There goes the shrill beeping of the car alarms, and then the brights, and then a dozen other icons show up behind the wheel. He cares about each one less than the last.
Rudo squints at one of the icons. “What does… ‘CHAngE OIL’ mean?”
“How did you make that sound with your mouth?”
That lovely little message is joined by several others - something about pressure, and whatever ‘ABS’ means.
Enjin waves him off, “It’s probably nothing. Actually-” He leans forward to open the engine compartment, prompting an avalanche of empty bottles and miscellaneous papers to spill onto his lap. “-Gris said something about there being a manual in here somewhere.” Among the clutter he finds one of Tomme’s missing hair ties and a few rolls of gauze that he thought he’d misplaced on the last mission. “Wait, here it is.”
The thing looks at least a century old and is covered near completely by a thick layer of dust, but some of it’s still readable, if not a little esoteric. He reaches back to hand it to Zanka, who grimaces. He tosses it back to Zanka, who immediately shoves it into Rudo’s face. He probably can’t read it. He still struggles with Ground colloquialisms and more technical language.
When Zanka sees his raised eyebrow, he shrugs, “He could use the practice.”
Riyo sighs loudly and tips her head back against the seat. “Can we hurry up? You just want me to drive this, right?”
“Have you ever seen how a car is driven before?”
“Nope, but if Zanka can figure it out I’m sure I’ll be fine.” She shuffles around with the pedals and the gear shift. “It’s like this, right?”
The car lurches forward. In the front mirror he sees Zanka reach out to secure Rudo before he can smash into anything - even though he’s actually wearing his seatbelt this time. His attention is quickly diverted to the road that Riyo is no longer driving on. Tires skid against the dirt - and over a bag that promptly leaks entrails all over the place - and then they’re back on the road - and then they’re swerving again - and he distantly wonders if this is what it’s like to be backseat while he’s behind the wheel.
She twists the wheel and they whip around the bend in the road. Normally he’s glad to see her smile, but right now, as he’s gripping the grab handle with white-knuckled fingers, he wishes she was just a smidge less enthusiastic.
“Hey, what’s that on the road up there?”
It looks like a trash beast. Just a little one, but a trash beast nonetheless. He can see the thought crossing Riyo’s mind as she thinks it.
“No - Riyo slow down! Brakes! Brakes!”
“It’s not like we would’ve died. It was just a little one.” Riyo says, brushing off her hands after she tucks her scissors back in her jacket pocket. The beast was, indeed, insignificant, which was all the more reason not to slam into it with a car. Enjin can still smell the burning rubber of the tires.
Suddenly, he remembers what he forgot earlier.
“The boss told me to drive carefully,” He says, out loud, “Because there are a couple dozen gallons of gasoline in the trunk. If you’d actually hit that thing, we’d be cooked. Literally.”
Zanka whirls towards him. “What!?”
“Oh, so we actually could’ve died.”
Rudo, who hadn't managed to detangle himself from the seatbelt in the time it took them to deal with the Trash Beast, has his nose buried back in the manual.
“What’s transmission fluid?” He asks, once he sees Enjin approaching his window. And, fuck if he knows.
“Sounds made up to me.” He replies, pulling out another cigarette as Riyo bullies Rudo out of the backseat and into the driver’s seat.
“Is he even tall enough to see the road?” Zanka asks.
“You could have him sit on the book.” Riyo offers. “Might give him a couple inches.”
“Yeah but then he won’t be able to reach the pedals-”
“Quit yapping.” Enjin interrupts them. He hands the keys to Rudo, who looks down at the gear shift and then at Enjin. “If you can’t reach the pedals just move the seat up until you can.” While he gets situated, he continues, “Are there cars on the Sphere? Super fancy ones?”
“What do they look like?” Riyo raps her hands around Enjin’s headrest, pulling herself forward. “Are they super sleek? Do they come in a lot of colors?”
“I dunno.” Rudo grumbles. “I saw a lot of big cargo trucks, I guess. Were only for rich people.”
Rudo grasps for the adjuster level and cranks it in entirely the wrong direction - nearly crushing Zanka behind him.
He starts the car, and it goes… surprisingly well? Faster than Zanka but slower than Riyo. When they go over a bump it doesn’t even launch them into the stratosphere.
“See? It’s not that bad. You’re a natural. You two back there, take notes.”
Five minutes pass, and it’s going well. Too well, even. Enjin can’t help but be suspicious. He’s not doing anything with those gloves, is he? He peers suspiciously out the window, sure that their peaceful ride is going to be interrupted at any second now.
“Car rides are kinda nice when the car stays on the ground.” Riyo says. “Who knew?”
“Watch it, young lady.”
“I can’t see.” Rudo says. The car goes quiet.
“Pardon?”
“I can’t see. The road.”
“...and you didn’t think to mention that before?”
In response to that, Rudo takes his eyes off the front of the dashboard to glare at him and - it’s kind of obvious now that he’s definitely not tall enough to both reach the gas pedal and be able to see out the windshield. But it’s whatever. He’s doing fine.
“Okay, Rudo, I thought this went without saying, pull over.”
“I don’t know how.”
“What do you mean you don’t know how? You just take your foot off the gas and press on the brake and then switch to park - stop! Give me that!”
“It doesn’t want you to drive.”
“Rudo, stop the car- what is wrong with you-”
He vaguely hears Zanka and Riyo sliding around in the backseat but he doesn’t have time to worry about that because Rudo is busy trying to drive them off the road. Finally, he gets him to step on the brake long enough to manhandle the gear shift into neutral, but not without getting bit. Like he’s a dog. Now he’s going to need another round of rabies shots.
“That better’ve been a Sphereite greeting,” Enjin grumbles, thumbing at the broken skin around his wrist.
“What the hell was that?” Zanka asks.
“Help me get him out of the driver’s seat.”
As soon as Zanka gets out to drag him out of the car by the back of his jacket, he goes limp like a scruffed kitten. Besides a round of sullen mumbling, he doesn’t otherwise protest as Zanka shoves him into the middle seat. This time both Riyo and Zanka bolt him in, so it looks more like they’re trying to restrain him in case he tries to attack Enjin again more than anything else.
Enjin graciously decides to forgive him and pretend that didn’t happen. He knows not what he’s done, or whatever. The radio is turned on once more, and equilibrium re-established as the latest round of corporate hyperpop blares through the speakers. It’s almost enough to drown out the conversation the kids are having in the back.
“It was talking to me.” Rudo insists.
“Uh huh, sure.” Zanka replies. “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head again?”
Riyo looks up from her nails. “What was it saying?”
“Don’t encourage him.”
Enjin turns the volume up.
They return to base mostly in one piece. The car is in one piece, at least, which is what he was really worried about. He won’t be letting Rudo drive again, though, lest he risk another… episode.
“Well,” He pats the roof of the car, “Who wants to go get dinner and never talk about this again?”
Rudo’s eyes burn holes into the side of his head. He opens his mouth.
“It’s on me. With dessert.”
He closes his mouth.
Zanka shoves his shoulder. “You’re so easily bribed.”
To that, Riyo grins at him, “Like you’re one to talk.”
“You never actually told us what you heard.” Riyo says, combing out her hair in front of Rudo’s bathroom mirror. They’ve convened in his room for the ritual post-mission debrief - there’s a nice little schedule for it and everything - even though this barely counts as a debrief and there definitely wasn’t a mission.
Amo perks up at that, wriggling out from under the comforter. “Hmm?”
“Dunno. He said something about the car hating Enjin.”
“Amo agrees with the car.”
“She didn’t come with us,” Rudo says, like the thought just occurred to him, and like he’s trying to ignore the question, “We shouldn’t leave her out. She should learn too.”
Riyo would argue that they didn’t actually learn much at all, but perhaps that would be too pedantic of her. She also doesn’t quite know how to gently articulate that maybe Amo should be given a little more acclimation time before operating heavy machinery.
“She’s shorter than you,” Zanka to the rescue! “She won’t be able to reach the pedals either.”
Amo deflates.
“Who knows, maybe Enjin will figure something out.”
Rudo kicks a socked foot at her. “Can we stop talking about the car?”
Riyo rolls her eyes and turns the light off.