Chapter Text
Matt feels his world stop. He doesn't believe what he just heard. This isn't real. This is a stupid prank. He's waiting for the laughter, but the laughter doesn't come.
"I can't do the tour."
Matt won't believe it. It's false. It's not true. James is always a little weird. This is a weird joke he's doing. Matt looks at Charlie, he looks just as shocked as he feels.
"What do you mean, man?" Charlie asks, stunned.
"My doctors said-" James starts, then just sighs. He's already told them all this. They've been talking about this for months, more and more the past week. They know all about his health, they know what's wrong. None of them want to get into it again.
Even though they discussed it over the past year, Matt never once thought that they'd have to discuss this. James is always supposed to be there. James has always been there, since Matt was 15 and broken hearted about not getting into a band there was a blue eyed fucking weirdo there to make him laugh. James has pulled him through every up and down in his life since the fucking 90s.
He can't do the tour without him.
Charlie and James have already started discussing what they should do. Charlie is worried, but his main and only concern is making sure James gets better. Matt can't believe it, they're talking like the tour is still going to go on. Matt is still trying to get his world to start moving again and they're rolling into decisions.
"Do you want us to pull out of the tour?" Matt cuts through their conversation. It's the only logical option he can think of.
"No way." James shakes his head. "I think you should do it. You've got to do the tour, it starts in 2 days." James once nearly died in a car crash before a show and he still performed that night. He was not going to let his bandmates pull out of a tour because of him.
"I don't know if we can." Charlie looks at the expression on Matt's face. He looks like he's crumbling. He can't play a tour with one bandmate sick and the other depressed, not to mention his own anxieties. This band has been through enough- messy break up, Matt in rehab, James moving across the world. Do they really have to have another arc? Can't they all just be happy now? Busted is supposed to be where they go to have fun and ride the nostalgia wave. Now it's painful again.
"Please." James isn't someone who begs or even asks for anything. He's never wants to upset anyone, even if sometimes he does it so naturally. "I want you guys to do this tour. It's been exciting, I've wanted this for so long. It has to exist. And maybe... maybe I'll be able to join down the road."
His voice is off. Matt knows him well enough to know he's not lying but he can tell he doesn't believe what he's saying. Matt wants to grab him and pull him into a hug but he's worried that if he moves he'll collapse. He can't do that to James.
"Who's going to play guitar?" Charlie looks around the room as if an answer will magically appear. Matt looks too lost in emotions, he doesn't know how to help him so Charlie needs to do what he's always been good at- focusing on the music.
Matt suddenly feels a lifeline being thrown to him. James won't be on stage with him but he could have Danny or Tom. They know the music, Tom wrote most of the songs on the set list. Matt could look over when he feels overwhelmed and see 1 or 2 of his best friends. He could do it. He can make it through.
"McFly could do it." Matt suggests, rushing the words out. "Tom or Danny. Or we could keep all four of them on stage."
Charlie and James just look at each other, it's not a bad idea but it doesn't work. "It kind of defeats the purpose of the VS."
Matt chews on his lip. Fair. He wants to refuse to do this tour. He's still struggling to tour after the cocaine. Still not used to it. It was easier last time with James, someone so clean cut and someone who knows him so well. He practically didn't leave Matt alone. Even when he took naps backstage he'd ask Matt to stay with him.
"Then who?" It's 2 days until tour, what kind of god of session musician could learn a set in 2 days?
"Chris could do it?" James offers. "He knows most of the songs already."
"That could work." Charlie nods, they all like Chris, he's been around them since he was a kid. He's super close to James, he might need the distraction as much as they need a guitarist. They turn to look at Matt. "What do you think?"
"Chris is a good option." Matt agrees, he hates that it's anyone but James. Busted has always been him & James. He can't imagine going out on stage and not seeing James.
"I'll call him and let him know. We talked about it this morning." James looks at his two friends, he knew Matt would take this hard but it's even worse than he imagined. He makes eye contact with Charlie and Charlie knows what he means. He finds a lame excuse to leave, leaving James & Matt alone.
The silence is hard. They've been friends for years but they're not used to being nice to each other. Their friendship is different. They make each other laugh, they make music, they nerd out. James looks around and picks up his guitar, it's easier to play than find words to fill the silence.
It hurts Matt but it's a familiar ache kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that comforts you.
"I don't know how I'm going to do the tour without you." Matt admits.
"Well." James pauses, trying to find the right words. "That's too bad."
It somehow makes Matt laugh, it breaks the tension.
"I need you to do this tour." James tells him. "In case-"
"Don't say it." Matt interrupts. He knows what James means, 'in case this is the last one'. It won't be but he still doesn't want the words spoken out loud. James is going to get better.
James smiles at him and suddenly Matt feels 15 again. He remembers the way James never let him give up, they were going to make it. They were going to be in a band. They were going to play a show at TOTs. They were going to live the dream. James never once doubted it, it made Matt believe it all too. He needs James to believe again and until then, he'll have to be the one believing this time.
James reaches into his bag, "I thought this would be hard on you so I got you something." He passes a gift over to Matt. Matt is frankly impressed that it's gift wrapped.
He tears the paper off to reveal a framed picture of James. Matt just looks at him. What an odd gift. "Mate, what the fuck?" Matt laughs. Of course he laughs, James is always the one to make him laugh.
"I put it in a frame so you won't miss me." James shrugs, lips breaking out in a smile that's on the edge of laughter.
It's actually really sweet, if not also fucking weird. Matt runs his fingers along the frame, thinking back to the early days together when they wrote their first song. Sleeping With The Light On takes on a new meaning instantly. This is what it's like for sharks to swim through his veins. He feels James slipping through his fingers.
But he looks up at James and knows that they're going to be okay. He can't help himself from launching himself onto James, giving him an all consuming hug. "I'm going to miss you."
"I'll call you ever night." James wheezes out, Matt has a vice grip on him. "I promise. You will be okay."
Matt doesn't want to let go but James starts trying to get free and pushing Matt off. "I love you man but you've got to let me breathe." Matt reluctantly gets off and picks up the photo. This stupid joke gift has become his most prized possession. "Want to come with me to break the news to the rest of the guys?" James asks even though he knows the answer. Of course Matt is going to come. Him, Tom and Harry will end up fighting over who gets James to spend the night at their house tonight.