Chapter Text
The light of morning crept through the hotel curtains, pale and quiet. Connor stirred when the bed dipped. Jay sat on the edge of the bed, half-dressed, absently drying his hair with a towel.
“Where were you all night?” Connor asked, voice rough with sleep.
“I left a note,” Jay said, tossing the towel onto the chair.
Connor blinked, trying to shake off sleep. He pushed himself upright, resting his head against the bedframe.
“Yeah? woke up around midnight, saw your note. You didn’t come back till sunrise.”
Jay exhaled softly, brushing a hand through his hair. He didn’t want to do this now this early, not when Med was always a delicate subject for Connor. He knew his husband had worked through a lot, gone through therapy like him, but still… there were ghosts.
“I went to see Trudy,” Jay finally said, turning to face him.
Connor blinked, the words dragging him more awake.
“What? It’s not even close to visiting hours, Jay.”
“Seriously? That’s your first thought?” Jay laughed quietly.
“I’m a doctor. It's a reflex,” Connor muttered, reaching for the water glass on the nightstand. “Let me guess, you charmed your way in?”
Jay leaned down, kissed his forehead. “Cute. But no. The receptionist remembered me as Will’s brother.”
Connor huffed a quiet laugh, shaking his head. “So… how’s Trudy?”
Jay slipped his shirt on and settled into the sofa near the opened window, the air cool against his skin.
“She’s good,” he said at last. “Avoided talking about the shooting though, so I offered a distraction. Oh, And Mouch is a lieutenant now.”
“Really? I wonder how 51 looks these days.”
“Yeah. I wondered how the new ER staff looks now that you, Choi, and Will are gone.”
Connor studied him for a moment then answered as he got out of bed.
“Never really considered that.”
“Where are you going?” Jay asked.
“Coffee. You want some?”
“It’s still early, Connor. Get more sleep.”
Connor rolled his eyes. “So, it’s okay when you wake me up at dawn for a run, but when you’re on talkative mode, I’m supposed to sleep?”
Jay laughed and asked.
“You ever thought about going back? Saying hi to anyone from Med?”
“No,” Connor said simply, filling the coffeemaker. “I only come to Chicago to visit my sister.” He glanced back. “Why? You planning to drop by Intelligence? Voight?”
“Not this time. Maybe one day.” Jay answered simply and lit a cigarette.
Connor nodded and headed to the bathroom to freshen up.
Jay took a slow drag from his cigarette, the smoke curling into the cold morning air. Trudy’s words still echoed in his head “You should come back. You’d be welcome at Intelligence.”
She wasn’t one for wishful thinking, Jay knew that. Which made him wonder: Did she know? Or maybe… she was the reason.
Jay heard the door opened and felt Conner’s eyes on him.
“You’re staring,” Jay said, glancing up from his phone.
“I still can’t believe you smoke,” Connor replied, as he walked to the coffeemaker.
“Why? We’ve been married for two years,” Jay said, amused. “You should be used to seeing me smoke by now.”
“It’s not that,” Connor said, handing Jay his mug before sitting on the other side of the sofa. “I just don’t get how, for four years working in the same city, being around you and your brother. It never came up or once saw you light up. Not even at Molly’s.”
“I never smoked at Molly’s. And I avoided doing it around Will, didn’t need another one of his lectures.” Jay smirked.
Connor huffed a quiet laugh.
“Really? Well, for once, I’m with Will on this one. You deserve the lecture.”
Jay grinned, exhaling smoke toward the window.
“Yeah, I probably do.”
They sipped their coffee enjoying the calmness of the early hours. Connor turned, studying his husband. Jay was never much of a talker. Connor recognized early on their marriage Jay’s effort to be open and communicate, the tone is clean and concise. But something is off in his tone now.
“You good?” Connor asked, voice gentle.
Jay let out a low hum, put his mag on the table. He rested his head on Connor’s leg, looking up, eyes tracing the soft lines of his husband’s face.
“Yeah. It’s just… being at Med brought back a lot. Good memories before the bad. You know, like walking through a memory lane you didn’t mean to find.”
Connor’s fingers slid absently through Jay’s hair. “Like what?”
“Just life. People.”
A beat. Then…
“Connor, do you think closure matters? Or if you move on, it doesn’t matter how the story ended?”
Connor set his mug down, tone careful. “Closure can mean a lot of things, Jay. You’ll have to be more specific.”
Jay rolled his eyes. “It’s simple, Connor. Closure is closure. Don’t overanalyze it.”
“Jay,” Connor said, voice soft but firm. “What is it?”
Jay’s gaze flicked toward the half-empty ashtray.
“Okay. There’s this person. A friend. A Victim in a Case I Worked a long time ago. It’s... officially open. Hopefully always will be.”
‘’What..’’ Connor stopped mid question, catching Jay’s meaning. “Oh.”
Jay's eyes lifted, meeting Connor’s.“Yeah. Now I can give that person closure unofficially. I should. They deserve it. Or let them live with the version they’ve coped with?”
Connor studied him. “How bad are we talking, Jay? I mean…how involved…”
“No details,” Jay cut in. “It’s my weight to carry, not yours.”
Connor’s jaw tightened. “And what if this person doesn’t keep your secret? You could lose everything.”
Jay shook his head.
“They’d understand. Maybe angry, yeah, but they wouldn’t expose it.”
“There’s no maybe, Jay. This is your life. Your freedom. Don’t do this out of guilt. And, don’t make them carry something heavier just to ease yours.” Connor said, sensing Jay had made his mind up.
“Okay, but… wouldn’t you want to know if your attacker could never hurt you again? Or live with the version where he got away?”
Connor looked at him for a long moment then said.
“Jay. You walked the line before. We both have.”
Jay sat up meeting his husband's eyes but stayed silent.
“There is a fine line between integrity and hypocrisy. Only you know Which side you’re standing on now” Connor continued
“It’s not about guilt. At least, not the telling part. If it were me, I’d want to know, even if it’s been years. What I did back then though…” Jay exhaled steady, “ It’s always mine to carry. I made the decision.” Jay said
Connor’s voice softened to a near whisper.
“Yeah. I would want to know.”
The room fell quiet. A decision was made.
Jay leaned back, eyes somewhere far away. Connor reached out, brushing his thumb along Jay’s jaw, grounding him back in the now.