Chapter Text
If Susie didn't quit pacing, Spamton was going to [You're a loser, baby] his mind.
Or well, you know. Lose the rest of it.
So what if he had a few screws [You lose! Good day sir!]? He wouldn't have any [marble countertops] left if she didn't [hold your horses!] still for a minute. His position didn't help either - instead of riding on her nose like [The Regular Show], she'd pushed him up into her hair, and now he was hanging on for dear [life insurance payout].
Ugh. The adverts got worse when he was [ad nauseam], apparently.
He didn't complain. The last time he made a fuss about the way she treated his glasses, she threatened to make Ralsei wear them for the day. He [shut up and take my money!] after that; Susie was bad enough, he didn't want to think about being stuck with that fluffy, sticky-sweet mess of a kid.
And if he was a little attached to the [Barney is a Dinosaur~] then that was his own business, thanks.
He did end up tightening the frame's grip on her, though, when she spun on her heel. And then she was off like a shot, down the hall. Barreling faster than anyone with common sense should be, good [Heavens to Betsy!].
She did not stop at any of her usual haunts. Not the jackass Queen or the weird shovel kid or even the rest of the hall with her weirdo friends.
No. She picked the worst door. The one with big, unmistakably blinding font, the gateway to Spamton's personal [Hellooo Nurse!].
TV Time!
He fought to keep from sparking, because if she [seesaw accidents] the colors, then she'd ask him what the big deal was, and then - [Nightmare Before Christmas DVD 10.99] situation, he nearly shuddered at the thought - he might have to explain himself.
No. No, he couldn't let that happen.
He held perfectly still, despite the way his stomach revolted when the doors swung open to reveal their [host with the most].
Tenna, in the metallic flesh, with his suit as pristine as ever. The only thing that gave away the change in routine was the faint bumps around his shoulder, where the tape on his joints pressed against the fabric. Spamton didn't think he was imagining the CRT a little [short the market] than he should have been, but it was hard to tell. His usual vantage point, after all, was fifteen feet lower to the ground than his ex.
Before Susie could even open her mouth, Tenna sprang up another two feet in joy. "Susie! My favorite contestant! My, it's good to see you! Come in, come in my dear!"
Spamton felt her tense up beneath him, which was infuriatingly absurd - she was the one who brought them here! This was her own [stupid, stupid, stupid] fault!
She marched inside, at the pace of someone being ushered to the gallows, and Spamton tried to enjoy his [bird's eye view] of the newly-remodeled room. It was startlingly similar to Tenna's room in the studio, actually - a detail Spamton desperately wished he could forget. But he'd know; he'd certainly been there enough.
He was brought out of his musing when Susie snatched him off her head and [Fiddler on the Roof] with the frames. A disgrace, one he immediately planned revenge for, but...
When he caught a glimpse at her face, she didn't seem to be malicious. In fact, he almost wondered if she didn't realize what she was doing. In all his [weekend getaways - click here] traveling with them, he had yet to see her so...conflicted.
Susie's cheeks were bright red, even against her purple skin, but she didn't let it stop her as she demanded more than asked, "Tenna, I need your help."
Tenna didn't need more than that, especially not from her. Already he sank back against the couch, hands folded primly in his lap, eternal smile turned gentle. "But of course!" he said, eagerly. "What can Dr. Tennaville do for you today?"
She blinked, surprise written across her face. But Tenna didn't push - and when he didn't appear to want to throw her out, her shoulders loosened. The [grippy socks] on Spamton's nosepiece eased significantly.
"You know...all the gushy movies and crap, right?"
Tenna tipped his head to the side, in the manner of a [golden rule] retriever. Spamton remembered with startling clarity how endearing it had been at the beginning of their partnership. How it took on a whole new meaning during their...closer years. When Spamton could grab him by the tie, pull him on like a dog on a leash, call him his-
Nope. He slammed the door to that memory, burying it with all the hatred he could muster.
He did not feel that way anymore.
...right?
"Gushy movies," Tenna repeated thoughtfully, blissfully unaware of the mental breakdowns happening around him. "That's how Kris used to describe all those romance movies Toriel enjoyed. Ah, the ~classics~!"
Meanwhile, Susie was visibly working herself up to a boiling point. And as soon as the dramatic Funnytext disappeared, she let it out.
"I-like-a-girl-and-I-need-help," Susie blurted in a single breath. Just as quickly, she shoved the [Dealmakers] on the nearest table, so she could bury her face in her hands. "Ugh, this is embarrassing. Godddd."
"It's not embarrassing!" Tenna said, affronted. He set a hand on her shoulder, and Spamton watched in shock when Susie let it happen and didn't buck off the offending appendage. "Young love is sweet! Hopeful! It's the stuff of legend!"
Susie peeked out from her fingers, skeptical. "Oh yeah? You ever been in love before?"
Oh [Heaven]. Oh [MERCY]. Oh [#%#|^]. This was the absolute last conversation Spamton ever, ever wanted to sit through. Maybe it would be better to change back now and pretend to be a rat again. If he caused a big enough scene, maybe they wouldn't notice how red his face was. He could probably bite someone hard enough to cause a distraction.
"Yes," Tenna answered. Spamton's inner tirade screeched to a halt when he realized that this wasn't Mr. Ant Tenna performing for his audience. He sounded [Keep Calm and Carry On], with absolutely nothing of his usual showman's persona.
Spamton spent years with this man. He'd know Ant's real voice anywhere.
"It's... complicated, sweetheart," Tenna admitted. His screen, infuriatingly, clicked off. "But... yes. I... I was in love, once."
Susie blinked up at him. She hesitated, hand outstretched uncertainly, the blush fading from her cheeks as she fought with herself.
And then, in the least surprising [move it move it] Spamton had seen, she squared her shoulders, announced, "Fuck it," and dove in for a hug.
Tenna's screen clicked on immediately, his mouth an 'o' of shock. Still, the old CRT was quick on the uptake; his arms wrapped around her shoulders with only a small wince of pain. Even his tail - the best-kept secret in TV World, which was truly saying something - snaked around them both.
Eugh. It was a good thing they'd [abandoned like the slime] the glasses on the table after all. He'd rather take a bath in the [Tunnel of Love] than [free hugs!].
After a beat, Susie pulled back and jumped up on the bed, all the better to be face to face with Tenna. "So you must be a dating expert, huh? Got any good advice for me?" she asked, gravelly voice bright and teasing. Spamton bristled automatically; that was the same voice she used for him and Jevil, when she sarcastically thanked them for failing a dodge or missing an attack.
That meant she liked Tenna. How [Disgusting].
The CRT grinned at her, color bars blushing across his display. A little flower bloomed on his nose, and he swept it away with a little flick. "Oh, uh, I wouldn't say that," he said, height wobbling like he couldn't decide whether to shrink or grow. "We never put a label on our... partnership. Never used the right words, or went on dates, or anything like that. We just... made it work."
Ah. If Spamton hadn't been sure before, he knew for a fact Tenna was referring to him. They'd never even said they were in [HYPERLINK BLOCKED] in those days.
It shouldn't matter now, that Tenna looked so wistful. That it looked a little like he was running through the stages of grief and landing squarely on melancholy.
It absolutely shouldn't make Spamton feel [sickening] to his stomach.
Tenna's screen turned to the sky. Spamton wondered if he was seeing the light world, the way the most powerful darkners could sometimes manage. It had been one of Spamton's many jealousies at the time - the casual power, the display, the knowledge, even the title of 'lord of screens' - but it was also the thing that tore Tenna apart the most.
Spamton knew how badly Tenna took the divorce. He'd thought, on his meanest days, that it was like he'd been there for every argument. Many nights in the dumpster, he realized that Tenna probably had.
"Love changes you," Tenna said at last. Susie glanced up, but he didn't even seem to notice. "Both of you, the person you are and the person you care for. If you're lucky, it changes you for the better."
Not everyone is so lucky.
On a dime, the mood switched.
Her expression twisted into one of horror. "Wait! What do you mean?" she asked. The anger in her voice nearly covered the shakiness as she jerked away. "She's - I'm not - I can't do that!" He hands waved frantically, like she could physically banish the thought. "She's way better than me! I don't...I don't wanna do that to her!"
It was like a whole new fear Susie'd never considered before opened up right in front of her. Spamton winced, his frame creaking in sympathy at her genuine [Panic! At the Disco]. For a moment, he felt the insane urge to do something unfathomably embarrassing, like try to give her a hug.
Thankfully, Tenna had no trouble being embarassing. One moment Susie was clutching her arms, claws digging in alarmingly far, and the next Tenna scooped her up.
"Oh now, none of that!" he said, voice smooth and soothing. Susie struggled for a long moment before she went slack, holding Tenna tightly enough that Spamton heard his casing creak in warning. Neither of them paid it any attention. "You don't need to worry about that, dear. My situation was...let's say, complicated. It seems like yours is much better!" He crouched lower, cupping his hand by his mouth, and added, "Personally, I think you can only improve them if your personality rubs off on them!"
Susie laughed weakly. "Even, um, if I'm kind of... an asshole?"
"First of all, language," Tenna said, so mock-seriously that even Spamton wanted to [pig snort] with laughter. "And second of all, yes. You're a delight, and they'd be lucky to have you."
Just like that, her purple cheeks flushed again. When Tenna ruffled her hair, she snapped at him like a dog - and Tenna only giggled, dodging sharp teeth like a pro.
"He used to do that, too," Tenna said, mostly fond as he shared the secret. "You'd get along, I think."
Like a [flaming garbage] fire, Spamton thought, only slightly uncharitably. After all, [Barney] had been a decent [Uber driver] so far. She enjoyed fighting and spoke her mind and did whatever she wanted, no matter what [pull the strings] tried to change.
Thats why she was Spamton's favorite [chauffeur for hire].
Even if it meant Spamton had to deal with the occasional [crushin' it] conversation. But, he considered, as Susie said her goodbyes and shoved the glasses back on, the [it's Christmas, Dear] could do worse.
"Oh, and Tenna?" Susie said, glancing back. Spamton had a perfect view of Tenna's warm, amused expression when she added, "I think you could do way better than your ex. He sounds like a real douche. Just sayin."
Nevermind. Susie was the [#*+%^]ing worst.