Chapter Text
—
Jing Yuan knows what love it
He’s grown up around it, his parents loves each other and they loved him (or at the very least, their definition of love), he’s seen others love each other, romantically and platonically.
Despite growing up around it he’s never really had a crush on anyone, but in his defence, while all the other boys liked the female models on the magazines that definitely weren’t for their age groups, Jing Yuan never found the appeal of women— don’t get him wrong, he could tell when a lady was pretty, it’s just that he never felt the same attraction to them as the other boys
No worries, he’d find the right girl eventually
hopefully
—
When he met Yingxing, he felt something he had never felt before
Baiheng told him that whenever Yingxing was around, he’d “go all red and smiley” (her words, not his)
To be fair, she probably wasn’t lying, he did feel happier when Yingxing was around, though that happiness was normally expressed through playful arguing, somehow, the banter between him and Yingxing felt so…genuine, so real so meaningful no matter the topic, because hearing his voice sounded like hearing an angel sing, every word that came out of his mouth hypnotised him, Jing Yuan was hooked onto his every word
But it’s not like he had a crush or anything
Yingxing, despite being a short lived species, always made the most of everyday, and when Jing Yuan was done training with Jingliu, he’d go home, get changed and immediately find Yingxing— and it wasn’t too difficult either, he was always in the same place
The forge
Jing Yuan would stroll down to Yingxing’s forge and simply watch him create such beautiful swords, he’d make every sword with love and care, all the details were so intricately made.
Some days Yingxing would be too focused to notice Jing Yuan- that or he simply wanted to focus without any distractions, in that case Jing Yuan was satisfied with just watching in a comfortable silence
Most would say that they were attached by the hip, if Yingxing was there, Jing Yuan was either right next to him or not too far away, both boys -as much as they bantered- truly did enjoy each others company
Jing Yuan was satisfied with their friendship, he didn’t need anymore from the other
—
No one ever told Jing Yuan that it wasn’t normal to not find girls attractive
Until he was talking with Baiheng
It started of as a normal conversation, really it did, as they went down the rabbit hole of topics, they were bound to end up on the topic of crushes
“Sooooo…is there a girl you like?” Baiheng teased
“Eh? No not really…” Jing Yuna muttered
“Seriously? Most boys your age at least have some girl they’re interested in” Baiheng said, she sounded slightly confused, she is right, a lot of fellow cloud knights that Jing Yuan knows do have at least some attraction to a girl
“Hey, Jiejie is it normal to not really find girls…how do i say it…attractive? I mean i know when they’re pretty it’s just i don’t think i see them the way other boys do” Jing Yuan isn’t normally this expressive about his feelings, especially his romantic feelings
“I mean yeah it’s normal, you could just be gay y’know” She mentioned it so casually that it caught him off guard, he wasn’t against gay people it’s just that…
“Isn’t that not allowed?” he questioned out loud
“What? No- no no no- A-Yuan, it’s okay to be gay, you can love who you want to love, got it? You don’t need to find a label now, just know that all of us will support you regardless”
That definitely took him off guard, his parents had been somewhat open about gayness being “wrong”
“O…Okay, jiejie, thank you” he managed to get out of his throat, it felt strangely tight and his his stung a bit, he soon got up and left back to his place of residence
He laid in his bed and thought about it
Is he gay?
He’s never felt attraction to a girl before and every time he thinks about marriage, the idea of a bride felt so wrong
Eventually his mind drifted to Yingxing, what if he married him? What if instead of a bride and a groom it was two grooms, what if it was them getting married
that thought made him go red in the face
What is he thinking?? Marrying Yingxing?? That’s stupid, he would never…
but the thought stayed in his mind, even when the artificial night took over, he still thought about doing all those romantic things he sees in movies with his best friend
his Yingxing
Wait no- Yingxing isn’t his— but if he was, then life would feel better, wouldn’t it?
What if they were holding hands and called each other cheesy pet names? No that’s way to out of character for Yingxing, maybe they’d be like the old married couples in movies that always argue but still love each other? That sounds more accurate
Before Jing Yuan knew it, he had fallen asleep dreaming about a romantic life with his best friend
His Yingxing
—
Another thing people never told him was how awkward it was to talk to someone you’ve just realised you have feelings for someone
especially if that someone is one of your closest friends and someone you’re basically joined to the hip to
It’s nearly winter now, although the Xianzhou technically doesn’t need to experience winter, the people in charge still do, mostly so citizens don’t go mad and get struck with mara by by how the days all blend together and are almost identical
This also meant that days were shorter and so Jingliu (for once) decided to be merciful to the young student and made training about 1 hour shorter, this meant more time with Yingxing
but that was slightly difficult now because of his newly discovered crush on the other boy
Jing Yuan tried— and i promise you he really did— to push his feelings down and act casual
But when he found himself staring at Yingxing’s violet eyes, he knew he couldn’t
Yingxing, in Jing Yuan’s opinion, is gorgeous
His navy hair is long and most of the time tied back, but when it’s out and free it’s as if Idrilla had blessed him (though when does he not look blessed by the Aeon of Beauty) and his violet eyes are like pale purple hyacinths, Jing Yuan had read a book on different flowers from other worlds, he remembers seeing the hyacinth page and immediately thinking of Yingxing’s eyes
He had been so distracted, he didn’t even notice Yingxing saying something to him
“Hey! A-Yuan!” Yingxing had snapped his fingers in front of his face, making the other snap back into reality
“Ah…sorry, you were saying” He apologised, though he didn’t sound too sorry
“Right, you’re shivering, you do know that right? Or did you use up all your intelligence on figuring out how many immortal delights you can buy with your allowance?” He teased lightly
“Hey!! I didn’t spend all of it…i’m very smart y’know!” Jing Yuan pouted (if you asked him about it, he’d completely deny he pouted)
“Yeah sure whatever, here” Yingxing stood up and have him a sweater, a yellow sweater at that, it’s lighter than Jing Yuan’s eyes but still close to his eye colour
The fabric felt strangely foreign, it felt nice
So nice he didn’t even realise his fingers had been rubbing over the same patch of fabric repeatedly
“What? You’ve never felt polyester before?” Yingxing asked with a hint of teasing, though he did sound curious if the Xianzhou even had polyester
“Nope, never really heard of Polyester before, i don’t think we have polyester” Jing Yuan said honestly, he had never really paid attention to the fabric of the clothes he wore, so it’s possible that it does exist and he just never noticed, he’ll need to ask Baiheng about that, she knows a lot more about fashion and clothing that he does
“Well, since you’ve never had anything polyester and i have other clothes, you can keep it- plus, it’ll look better on you, yellow isn’t really my colour anyways” Yingxing said with a strange amount of softness in his tone
“Wait really? Oh thank you thank you thank you Gege!” Jing Yuan said with excitement, hugging the older boy tightly
, hugging the older boy tightly, he put the sweater on and found it to be a size or two larger than his own
“Hey! For someone so short you sure do have tight hugs…” Yingxing muttered
“I’m not that short!! You’re only a bit taller than me, i’ll catch up eventually!” That was true, they had always been close in height, with Yingxing being taller
“sure…keep telling yourself that, and also don’t call me gege, it makes me sound like an old man, we’re technically the same age y’know”
“Would you prefer Yingxing-gege then?” Jing Yuan teased
“Absolutely not. Just Yingxing.”
“sure…gege~”
“That’s it.” Yingxing tackles Jing Yuan and they play fought and teasingly argued for the rest of the day, till he had to leave to go back home
But what is a home if Yingxing isn’t there?
—
Everything was fine
It had been a few years, they were both older— while Yingxing looked like he’s in his mid 20’s, Jing Yuan looked like a fresh adult
Everything was good between him and Yingxing, amazing if you will
and then Dan Feng came into the group, and the moment he saw Yingxing lay his eyes on Dan Feng, he knew he had lost every chance to be with him
Dan Feng is essentially the ideal partner, he’s pretty, he takes good care of himself and others and he’s the high elder Vidiyahara
It’s no wonder Yingxing would choose him over Jing Yuan
He watches Yingxing slowly become more and more mesmerised by Dan Feng, like he’s hanging onto every word he says with such intent that makes Jing Yuan’s heart ache, an ache he’s never felt before
Yingxing talks so much more around Dan Feng and it’s equally given back, Dan Feng is so commonly seen as this stoic and pragmatic leader
But here? He talks quite a bit and the same goes for Yingxing, the same Yingxing who even Jing Yuan couldn’t make talk for more than an hour, and here Dan Feng was, making him talk like there isn’t a tomorrow
Truly a sight for sore eyes
…
Jing Yuan was at his house and laid on his bed as he held the baby lion, Mimi, gently petting her soft white fur, just to attempt to distract his thoughts
Why him? Why Dan Feng? That’s a ridiculous question really, Dan Feng is like an angel really, both appearance and personality wise, and he doesn’t blame Yingxing for being so enchanted by the high elder
But there’s a small but persistent voice that wants Dan Feng dead, he knows he’d never act on it- that’s something he could never bring himself to do
But watching Yingxing and Dan Feng grow closer makes Jing Yuan’s heart feel so cold and empty
The only warmth he could feel was from the yellow sweater