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Elsie squeezed her hands together, unsuccessfully trying to keep them from shaking. Her worry writhed in her stomach, churning up her lunch. She paced back and forth in the tiny bathroom, unable to look at the test on the counter, unable to keep her mind off it.
“How much longer?” her boyfriend asked from outside.
“I don’t know, there’s not a clock in here,” Elsie replied, trying not to sound snippy. Cole was probably just as worried as she was.
“You can’t just look at it now?”
“I don’t want to check it too early and get a wrong result!” Elsie said. “We have to know for sure.”
Cole sighed heavily. “Fine. This is just stressing me out.”
Elsie rolled her eyes. Didn’t he realize that it was also stressing her out? Another endless minute of pacing passed. Elsie pressed a hand to her stomach, breathing deeply to try to ease its twisting. Finally, Cole spoke again. “Alright, it has to have been enough time now. Can we please just look at it?”
Nervous energy shot through her. “Alright,” she said. She picked up the test without flipping it over and opened the bathroom door.
Cole was waiting outside. “So?” he asked, eyebrows high.
“I wanted us to look at it together,” Elsie said, walking back to his bedroom. He followed and sat beside her on the edge of the bed.
Elsie took a final deep breath, her heart pounding. “Ready?” He nodded and she flipped the test over. Two distinct pink lines looked up at her tauntingly.
A choked cry escaped her before she dropped the test and pressed both hands over her mouth. “No, no, no, no! This can’t be happening.” The writhing in her stomach had turned into a solid stone of dread.
Cole looked back and forth between her and the test. “It was positive? You’re pregnant?”
She nodded, hands still pressed to her face. “What are we going to do? We’re seventeen, Cole! My mother is going to kill me!”
Cole rubbed a hand soothingly over her back. “It’s going to be fine, Elsie.”
She lowered her hands a fraction and looked at him. “How in the world will it be fine?”
He shrugged. “You can get rid of it, right? Just go to one of those doctors, and then no one will have to know.”
Elsie fully dropped her hands and scooted back from him. “Get rid of it?” she asked, horror lacing her tone.
Cole shrugged again. “Why not? Your parents would definitely kill us both. I don’t want people to know any more than you do. So just get rid of it. It’s not really a baby anyway, not this young.”
Elsie put both hands protectively over her belly. “Cole, how could you say that! It’s alive, it’s a baby, and there is no way we’re going to get rid of it!” She had no idea what the path forward looked like, but she knew that this baby would be a part of it. A baby was a baby!
Cole stood up. “If you keep this thing, there’s no ‘we’ anymore. I’m not going to be associated with you or it if you make that dumb decision.”
Elsie stood up too, tears welling in her eyes. “You were the one who wanted to start sleeping together, I just went along with it. So—”
Cole interrupted. “So just go along with this too! I promise you’ll feel better when you don’t have that thing in you.”
Elsie just kept on talking. “So since it was your idea to make this baby, aren’t you going to be a part of raising it? My parents will be furious, they might even kick me out! And you’d just let them?”
Cole’s face was harder than she’d ever seen it and his voice was cold. “I will not be associated with you if you decide to keep it when you could easily get rid of it and make everything better. If you want your parents to hate you, that’s your decision.”
“So you got me pregnant, and now you’re breaking up with me?” Elsie desperately didn’t want to look weak right now, but she couldn’t completely fight off the tears. She couldn’t remember the last time she had made her own decision against Cole’s or her parents’ wishes, and she hated doing it now. But this was important. This was a baby. She swallowed back a sob and maintained eye contact.
“If you’re dumb enough to keep this thing, then yes.”
“Alright then.” Elsie turned away, surreptitiously wiping her eyes, and picked up her school bag. She slowly lifted the test from where she had dropped it on the floor and tucked it into her jacket pocket. “Goodbye, then.”
She was at his front door when he called her. “Come on, Elsie,” he said, appearing behind her. “You’re not actually doing this, are you?”
“If by ‘this’, you mean making the decision to not kill our baby, then yes. I’m actually doing this.”
Cole sighed. “I wish you’d listen to me. It would be so much easier my way. I don’t want to lose you over something this minor.”
“Killing a baby is not a minor thing.” She opened the door, then turned back for one final word. “And by the way, people will know it’s your baby even if you break up with me now.”
Cole just shook his head. “I won’t be involved with it.”
Elsie let the door close behind her, and this time he didn’t try to follow her.
Once she was alone, she gave up trying to hold back the tears. They fell thick and fast, her chest heaving with sobs all through her ten-minute walk home. She kept her head low, hoping that she wouldn’t pass anyone she knew.
By the time she made it to her front porch, her vision was so obscured by tears that she wasn’t even sure if she had passed anyone at all. She slipped her hand in her jacket pocket and wrapped her fingers around the test. Then she pushed open the door.
Her mother was in the kitchen. Elsie swung the door closed behind her and leaned against it. She had known from the minute she began her walk that it would be impossible to hide the truth from her mother, so she didn’t even try to suppress her sobs.
Her mother dropped the bread knife and rushed over, taking Elsie into her arms. “Honey, what is wrong? Are you hurt? What happened?”
Elsie pressed her face into her mother’s shoulder. “I’m not hurt,” she said, voice muffled against her mother’s sweater. “But Cole broke up with me.”
Her mother gasped and pulled back so she could look into Elsie’s face. “What? Why did he do that?”
“Because—” Elsie swallowed another sob and tried to find some courage. Cole’s words were ringing in her head, Your parents would definitely kill us both. The stone of dread in her stomach had come alive again into that writhing ball of nerves. She swallowed hard, but there was no way she would be able to get the words out.
Instead, she slowly pulled her fist out of her pocket and forced her fingers to uncurl, leaving the incriminating test in the open before her mother’s eyes. The two pink lines glared up at her.
Her mother looked at the test, confusion filling her face. “What is this?”
“Mom, I’m pregnant,” Elsie said desperately. Shame curdled her stomach and she couldn’t breathe.
Her mother took a step back, face unreadable. “You’re pregnant?”
Elsie nodded.
“So I assume Cole is the father.” Her voice was distant, like she was waiting to pass judgment.
Elsie nodded again, bracing for the condemnation, the rage.
“How long has this been going on?”
Elsie swallowed hard, trying to keep her writhing stomach from rising into her throat. “About the last two months. It was Cole’s idea at first, and I just kind of went along with it. I know I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t think anything would happen. And then…well, I started to think I might be pregnant. I got so scared, so I took the test. And it was positive. I’m so sorry, Mom.”
Her mother was looking into her eyes now. There was no rage, but she didn’t seem to acknowledge the apology either. “And then he broke up with you?”
Elsie nodded, and the tears started to flow again. “He wanted me to get rid of the baby, Mom, to go to one of those doctors and have a procedure. But I knew I could never do that!”
Her mother’s face finally shifted from the distant mask. Elsie braced herself for the anger as her mother’s brows drew down and her lips tightened. “He did what?” she asked quietly, cold fury lacing her tone.
“He wanted me to get rid of our baby. Maybe you wish I had too, but I don’t care, I’m not going to hurt my baby!” Elsie’s voice rose in desperation. Even if everyone turned against her, she knew she was doing the right thing. Going along with her friend’s ideas about skipping school or Cole’s idea to sleep together was one thing. But this was life or death for a human baby!
“Oh honey, I’m so proud of you!” Her mother wrapped her in a hug again.
Elsie stood motionless, confusion replacing nervousness and dread. “You are?” she asked hesitatingly.
“Yes! You were given an easy way out, and you still chose the right thing!”
“So you’re not mad at me?” Elsie asked, trying not to allow herself to feel relief until she was sure.
“Well, I’m not happy you were sleeping with Cole when you know you shouldn’t have been. But I’m very happy with how you chose to handle yourself in a difficult situation!” Her mother was smiling now.
Elsie started crying again, her mother’s understanding breaking down the defenses she had tried to build up around her decision. “What am I going to do now, though? Cole said he wouldn’t be associated with me ever again if I keep the baby. I know I have to, but how? Everyone is going to know what I did!”
Her mother rubbed her back. “Your father and I will help you. We’re not happy with the choice that got you to this situation, but we’re not going to leave you to bear this alone.”
Realities were settling into place faster and faster, and suddenly Elsie needed to be alone. “Thank you, Mom. I thought for sure you would be ready to kill me. Can I go upstairs now? I just…need to think.”
“Alright.” Her mother gave her one more hug and then let her go.
Elsie walked up the stairs, feet dragging, her school bag weighing her down like a load of rock. She dropped it just inside her bedroom door, kicked off her shoes, and flopped stomach-down on her bed, burying her face in her pillow.
She was going to be a mother. At seventeen years old, she was going to be a mother. And everyone would know. There was only so long she could hide a pregnancy. And then of course after that there would be a whole baby, and that was completely impossible to hide. Everyone at school would find out.
What would Anna think? Anna had been her best friend for years, though they had drifted apart when she started dating Cole. Anna didn’t like Cole. But surely she at least would understand. Maybe Elsie would have one ally at school.
But how would she even be able to stay in school? What was it going to be like being pregnant? Would she feel sick all the time? Pregnant women got really sleepy, didn’t they? How could she stay in school if she couldn’t stay awake? And what was giving birth going to be like? She knew it hurt. But how much? And how could she stay in school after the baby was born?
Cole’s idea was starting to sound more reasonable. If only she had listened to him and just taken care of it before anyone had a chance to find out! She had spent most of her life doing what the people around her suggested, and it had always been so easy. She did what her parents wanted. She got good grades and did her work around the house. She did what Anna wanted. She went to school dances and took all the science classes. She did what Cole wanted. She spent every afternoon with him and eventually slept with him.
And now she was doing something because she had simply decided to. And it was so hard. She knew it was the right thing, but it was so much scarier than just doing what everyone around her wanted her to do. At least her mother agreed with her.
But how was she supposed to be a mother now? Especially without the help of her baby’s father?
Tears soaked her pillow, and finally she fell asleep.
Her room was dark when she woke up. Her mother was at the door. “Elsie, you need to eat some dinner.”
Elsie curled up in a ball on her bed. “I don’t want to go downstairs.”
“I can bring some food up here for you.” Her mother hesitated. “Your dad and Nathaniel were worried you were sick.”
Elsie groaned. She had forgotten about Nathaniel. His family lived a short walk down the road from her house, and he had been working for her father in his carpentry shop for the last two years, even before he had graduated from school. She had only been a few years behind him in school, and once he started working for her father, he usually ate dinners with her family before going home for the night, so she knew him very well now.
Nathaniel was the kind of young man everyone liked and looked up to. He was always kind, always did well in school, and always did the right thing without acting stuck-up about it.
Nathaniel would despise her when he found out.
“What did you tell them?” Elsie asked, still curled up.
“I told them you had a hard day and wanted to sleep.”
“Are you going to tell them what really happened?”
“I was thinking you would want to.”
Elsie sat up, face flushed. “You think I want to look them in the face and tell them the most shameful thing I’ve ever done?”
Her mother sat down on the bed beside her. “Elsie, your father will be disappointed, yes. But he will understand. We wish you hadn’t made the choice that you did, but we still love you, and we forgive you. Going through a pregnancy and having a baby is challenging enough that there would be no reason for us to add to your difficulties. And I’m sure Nathaniel will understand too.”
Elsie shook her head. “Nathaniel is perfect, he would never understand. Does he have to know?”
Her mother laughed. “Nathaniel is not perfect. You’ve heard him and your father talk about the mistakes he makes in the shop.”
Elsie drew her knees up to her chest, staring at the wall. “Well, everyone else thinks he’s perfect.”
Her mother just shook her head with a smile. “You must not have talked to his family, or his teachers, or his friends. I’ve heard his mother talk about her frustrations, and I know the others have them too.”
“Well,” Elsie said quietly, “I think he’s perfect.”
Her mother gently rubbed her shoulder. “I don’t know how to help you with that one. But I promise you, he is far from perfect and everyone knows it.”
When Elsie didn’t respond, her mother sighed. “Well, he practically lives with us. Even if you don’t tell him, it won’t take him long to figure out that something is going on.”
Elsie groaned in defeat. “Fine! But can you please tell him? And Dad?”
Her mother gave another little sigh, but nodded. “Alright, I’ll tell them tonight. And I’ll bring you up some food. Then you can just go back to sleep. You need your rest.”
Elsie ate the dinner her mother brought and then immediately fell back asleep, to a dreamless place where shame and fear couldn’t follow her.
The next morning, she waited as long as she could before going downstairs, hoping she would not have to face her father or Nathaniel. Sometimes he came early and waited in the kitchen until her father was ready to begin work, and she couldn’t bear the thought of seeing either of them today. The twinges in her stomach made her want to avoid breakfast anyway.
But when she reached the kitchen, school bag on her back, her father was there. The curdling shame bubbled up in her stomach again and she couldn’t look at him.
He walked forward and wrapped his arms around her. “Your mother told me last night,” he said softly. “I was upset at first, but I was glad you made the choice to keep the baby. It is a precious life, no matter what choices led to him or her being here.”
“Thanks, Dad,” Elsie said. She had known he would be upset with her. But at least he didn’t seem too angry right now. And mercifully, Nathaniel wasn’t around at all.
Her father let her go, and she escaped for the lonely walk to school. Normally, she took a route past Cole’s house, and he walked the rest of the way with her. But not today. She had been too scared yesterday to think about Cole, but now she was feeling the pain of losing him. And she was angry. She was angry with him for convincing her to sleep with him and then abandoning her. She didn’t want to admit it, but she was angry with her baby for coming between them. And she was angry with herself for letting Cole convince her to sleep with him in the first place. Her parents had always said that she was too easily swayed by the people around her. And now she was in trouble for it.
By the time she made it to lunch, the entire school knew that she and Cole had broken up. She hadn’t said a word to anyone, but clearly he had. And news spread so fast in a little school. She wondered what reason he was giving people for the breakup.
She walked over to Anna’s table at lunch for the first time in several months. Anna raised her eyebrows when Elsie sat down. “Well hello, nice of you to remember I exist,” she said icily.
Elsie sighed. “I’m sorry, Anna. I know I’ve been a horrible friend to you.”
Anna just shrugged. “Yes, you have been. But I heard Cole broke up with you. So tell me all about it.”
Elsie allowed a little smile. “Thanks, Anna.” She took a deep breath and leaned closer. She had decided earlier in the day that she needed to be able to tell someone at school. And Anna would understand. “He broke up with me because I’m pregnant and he didn’t want to have the baby.”
Anna’s eyes flew wide open. “You’re what?”
“Please don’t tell anyone! Only my parents and Nathaniel know.”
“You’re pregnant?” Anna hissed.
“Yes.”
“So you and Cole were…”
“Yes,” Elsie said, “but I know we shouldn’t have. And then when—”
“Oh, you deserve this!” Anna interrupted, a spiteful gleam in her eyes. “I can’t wait for everyone to know what you did!”
Pain shot through Elsie’s chest. “What do you mean?” she asked, voice barely above a whisper.
Anna laughed loudly. “You have never thought a day in your life about the right thing to do, you just do whatever you want! As soon as you got Cole, you dropped me. Well now you’re finally getting some consequences. You don’t have a boyfriend anymore, so you can’t act all superior. And now you have a baby, and everyone is going to find out and judge you!”
Elsie’s stomach shriveled. This wasn’t nervousness or dread or shame. This was betrayal. She had thought Anna would understand and be on her side.
But she really had treated Anna terribly, practically ignoring her for the last six months while she was with Cole. She was probably getting what she deserved. Her parents had certainly been more gracious than she had ever dared to hope. It shouldn’t have surprised her that not everyone was going to be as kind.
But it still hurt. She picked up her lunch tray and her school bag. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Anna, I have no excuse. I’ll go sit somewhere else. But I would really appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone.”
“They’re going to find out anyway.”
“I know, but I only just found out myself and I want some time to wrap my head around it before everyone else is passing judgment on me.”
Anna rolled her eyes. “You shouldn’t have told anyone if you didn’t want anyone to know.” She shifted in her chair so she was turned away from Elsie.
Elsie bit her lip, the betrayal settling deeper into her stomach. Nothing was stopping Anna from telling the entire school. And even if Anna didn’t, nothing was stopping Cole either. She was sure that everyone would know by the end of the week.
Her appetite was completely gone, partly from the weight of swirling emotions and partly from the nauseated twinges she had been feeling all day. She sat at an empty table in the corner of the room and worked on homework until her next class started.
By the time school was out, Elsie was sick, exhausted, and hungry. She walked the entire way home with her gaze on the ground, unable to look anyone in the eye. She felt as much shame as if her pregnant belly was already visible for everyone to see and know what she did.
Elsie dropped her bag as soon as she made it into the house and sank down into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. If Anna had reacted that way, she could only imagine how Nathaniel would react. He already knew, and he certainly hadn’t made any effort to talk to her. He would probably avoid her for the rest of her life. She liked Nathaniel, and she looked up to him. Somehow, knowing he would hate and judge her hurt worse than anything else.
Her stomach was churning, not from emotion this time. She groaned, finally realizing that she must be feeling that nauseated sickness that her mother said often came with pregnancy. She was so hungry, but she felt like she was about to vomit. Maybe she could eat a little bread.
Elsie stood up cautiously, every movement making her stomach more unsettled, and pulled a loaf of bread from the shelf in the pantry. She cut off a thin slice and took a little bite, chewing slowly.
Her stomach didn’t feel any better when she swallowed the first bite, but it didn’t feel worse either. She filled a glass with water and carried the cup and her bread back to the table.
She had eaten half the slice of bread when the door opened and Nathaniel came in, the front of his shirt and his arms covered in sawdust and wood curls. His eyes immediately went to her, his face surprised. “You’re not usually back by this time! Did school end early today?”
Elsie choked down her mouthful of bread. “No,” she managed to get out, unable to meet his eyes. “I just didn’t go to Cole’s house today.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Nathaniel said slowly. He walked towards the sink, leaving a trail of sawdust on the floor, and pulled a glass out of the cabinet to fill with water.
The tension in the room was too much for Elsie. Her stomach roiled, shame and dread and regret piling over each other and churning up the bread she had just eaten.
She jumped up and ran outside, knowing she couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time. She leaned over the porch railing and vomited into the grass below.
Tears of shame filled her eyes as she stood on the porch, stomach still heaving. Not only was she a pregnant seventeen-year-old, but now she was throwing up outside in front of the whole world!
The door quietly opened and closed while she was looking for something to wipe her mouth with, and Nathaniel was standing beside her. He wordlessly held out her glass of water.
“Thank you,” she whispered, taking it and rinsing her mouth out. She tried to blink away the tears.
“You’re welcome,” Nathaniel said, eyes fixed on her.
Was that concern in his expression? Why hadn’t he yelled at her yet? Elsie didn’t know what to think anymore.
“Are you sick?” he asked.
She shrugged, still unable to meet his eyes. “If pregnancy counts as a sickness, then yes.”
“So you don’t have food poisoning or something. It’s just because of the baby?”
“I think so. Based on what my mother has said, this is to be expected.” She finally glanced up at him. That was definitely concern on his face. But why? “What are you doing, Nathaniel? I knew you were going to despise me. Why are you bringing me water and acting so nice?”
“Despise you? Why would I despise you?” He sounded genuinely confused.
“Because you always do the right thing and everyone looks up to you, and I went and did the most wrong thing I could have done. I knew you would never stop hating me for it.” She had to blink again to hold back another rush of tears.
“I don’t hate you, Elsie. And I certainly don’t always do the right thing!” He drew in a deep breath. “I try to, though. Of course I wish you hadn’t done it, mostly because I hate that you have to go through this! I think you already know that a lot of people will have unpleasant opinions about this, and I’m so sorry you have to face that.”
Elsie sniffed. His words sounded genuine. Her stomach felt more settled than it had all day. “I was the most afraid of you finding out, after my parents.”
“Well I hope you’re not afraid anymore.” Nathaniel paused, then laughed softly. “I basically live with your family since I spend so much time here. I want to be able to help you when I can.” His voice dropped and now there was an edge of anger in it. “Your mother said that Cole broke up with you over it. I hope you know what a despicable unforgiveable thing that is to do. No one should ever walk away in a situation like this. It’s just as well I’m not in school anymore. I don’t think I could see his face every day without punching him.”
Elsie choked on a surprised laugh. “I don’t think any punching is necessary.”
Nathaniel cracked a little smile. “Whatever. Well, he’s despicable however you look at it. And even though we both know you didn’t do the right thing earlier, you’re doing the right thing now.”
Elsie let out a long breath. Something flickered alive in her chest, a little ray of hope. Nathaniel didn’t despise her. Her parents would help her, and he would help her. She could actually do this. Elsie laid a hand on her belly. Maybe someday soon she could be excited for her baby. For now, that little ray of hope was enough.