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Jason heard footsteps outside his room and cringed. It was still nighttime and he had no idea if his dad was home. Or if John was still out there. “Watching him” for the evening while his dad was at work.
Jason hated when John was here. His breath stank like beer, and he always got too close. He wanted to hold Jason while they watched movies, and he wanted to help Jason bathe. Jason was nine, he didn’t think he needed help bathing. But John told him that he needed help.
And a few hours earlier, John had come into Jason’s room. “It’s what boys do together.”
He closed his eyes and tried to block out the memories. “Here, let me show you how to do it.”
Jason wanted to throw up. His chest hurt and he wanted to shower. He wanted to clean everything off of him and hide somewhere no one else would be. He wanted his dad. But maybe John was right. Maybe that was just what boys are supposed to do. Maybe his dad would laugh at him and call him a pussy for not wanting to do it.
Jason’s dad was mean like that sometimes. He didn’t like when Jason didn’t act like a grown up. After his mom died, Jason wanted to be good and act like a grown up so his dad didn’t worry about him.
The footsteps in the living room got louder. And, suddenly, Jason’s heart beat was so loud it was choking him. He could hear them coming closer to the door. Jason felt tears start to slip out from his eyes and he squeezed them shut. He held his pillow close to his body.
The door creaked open and he heard a whisper of his name. Jason clutched the pillow so tightly that he thought his fingers might break from the pressure.
Footsteps came closer to the bed and Jason stayed completely still, maybe he could pretend to be asleep.
The bed dipped with weight as someone sat beside him. The voice whispered his name again and Jason pulled away, holding the pillow like a lifeline.
He tried to take a deep breath but had to force it past the snot in his nose. But he realized he didn’t smell beer. He smelled cigarettes and metal. He smelled his dad.
Jason opened one eye and saw a figure looming over him, “Hey, Jason. Sorry, if I woke you up. I just wanted to say good night.”
He could only see the silhouette of his dad, with light still coming through the door to his room. There was no one outside his room. It was just Jason and his dad right now.
Jason turned his face and his dad took a sharp breath.
“Jay, are you feeling alright?”
Jason’s tears were pouring down now. He couldn’t force the words out so he shook his head.
“Are you feeling sick?” A hand was on his forehead, pushing his bangs out of his eyes.
Jason could barely breath now, snot and tears were running into his mouth and giving it a sour taste. He shook his head again.
His dad put a hand on his cheek and angled his face to look into his eyes, “Did something happen?”
Jason stopped holding back and let out a whine as he cried. He needed to tell his dad. Even if his dad made fun of him and called him a pussy. Jason couldn’t do it again. He hated that his voice came out in his sharp ragged breaths, “I didn’t like it.”
His dad’s hand stilled from where it had been smoothing away his tears. Jason looked up into his eyes expecting to find anger there. Instead, there was nothing but hurt and worry, “Jason? What happened?”
Jason told him everything.
An hour later, Jason’s dad was storming out of the house with a gun tucked in his waist band. He never saw him again.
A few days passed before CPS came to his house, looking for him. He ran to the streets, terrified. He wanted to stay in that apartment, surrounded by memories of his mom and with a bed of his own.
A year later, Batman caught Jason with a tire iron in his hand. And after that he had a bed of his own again and Bruce to take care of him.
Jason was angry at Willis, and angry he’d been left alone. But he never stopped wondering where his dad was.
Jason stared up at the screen towering over him. He couldn’t sleep so he’d decided to do some extra research in the Cave. He wasn’t as good as Dick Grayson was yet. He knew that. But he could be. He just needed to learn everything he could about Bruce’s Rogues.
He’d started with Two-Face because of their interaction earlier. But now Jason was regretting not just going upstairs and sleeping. It felt like the world was crashing down around him.
Willis Todd
Petty Criminal
Presumed Dead
Jason had pressed “More Info” without thinking. He was staring at a mugshot. Willis had gone to jail for attempted murder almost two years ago, Jason remembered the exact date despite his best attempts to forget that night.
He’d fallen in with Two-Face’s crew according to prison records. And he’d been one of the men to get out during a breakout from Black Gate. He hadn’t been seen again.
But there was a report from an informant saying a man of his description had been killed and dumped in the river after allegations that he was turning on Two-Face.
Jason didn’t have to wonder where his dad was anymore. His dad was dead.
Jason pushed back the tears and left the Cave. His feet took him to his own bed and he stripped out of his Robin suit. He wore a hoodie over his pajamas despite how warm his room was. He needed the weight and coverage right now.
It wasn’t until Jason was laying in bed that the tears started again. The memories hit him suddenly and he was gasping for air. He pressed his hands into his eyes. A rough cough came out and his breath back in was shaky.
Jason pressed his face into the pillow to muffle his whines. He half expected to lift his head and see his apartment back in Crime Alley instead. To see his dad standing at the end of his bed saying good night.
But he’d never see that again. If he lifted his head, he’d see his huge room kept spotless. He would see the picture of his mom on the nightstand and the school work on his desk.
And he didn’t want any of that right now. He wanted his dad.
Bruce woke him up the next afternoon before patrol. Jason cursed him that for sleeping so long, and falling asleep without brushing his teeth. His mouth was dry and his head hurt from the exhaustion of crying.
“Two-Face is planning a hit on the baseball game today. We’re going to meet him there.”
Jason felt anger rise in him when he heard the name. He nodded dumbly and went to the bathroom to get ready for the day.
Jason went through the motions of getting ready without thinking. Bruce didn’t notice the change, too caught up in planning. Jason was good at hiding his hurt whenever Bruce looked over at him. He worked on autopilot and let his adrenaline take over when they grappled into the stadium to cut off Two-Face's attack.
But all that neutrality fell away the minute he saw Two-Face. Bruce knocked him down and went to handle the henchmen. Jason kicked him in the gut and pushed him back. He didn’t think about where any henchmen or weapons were. Jason was on him. He started hitting with everything he had.
He took him away. He stole Jason’s family from him.
“You lowlife scum.”
He killed him.
Jason’s hands found Two-Face’s neck and started pushing down with his thumbs, “You’re a murderer.”
He doesn’t deserve to live.
“I’ll kill you for what you did.”
Jason pushed harder, ignoring Bruce’s panicked voice shouting at him from a few feet away.
When Two-Face started squirming away, it registered. He loosened his grip. What was he doing?
“Robin!”
In his moment of distraction, Two-Face’s knee hit his stomach and pushed him away. Before Jason could get up, Two-Face was down the hallway. Bruce was running over to him and Jason came up to his knees.
“Go after him. Get him.”
Batman disappeared down the hallway and Jason gave himself a few seconds to catch his breath before going after them. When he got past the crowd, he could see Batman on the field and a few cops running over.
Jason hopped over the wall and ran to meet them. He scanned the area for a handcuffed Two-Face.
“Robin, are you alright?”
Jason disregarded the question. He didn’t see the villain anywhere, “Did he get away?”
At Bruce’s lack of answer, Jason started looking around for the man’s escape route. Any clue of where he’d gone so Jason could follow.
“He had a car waiting. We have to talk, Robin–”
Bruce was cut off by Commissioner Gordon’s arrival. Jason waited for them to finish speaking and stormed towards the Batmobile the minute Bruce turned to leave. He didn’t care that he was pouting. Bruce was already mad at him. What did it matter if he got a little angrier?
The car ride was silent but Bruce spoke as soon as they entered the cave. He was using his disappointed dad voice. He didn’t have any right to talk to Jason like that. Not when he knew Jason’s real dad was dead.
“Alright, Jason. It’s time you explain yourself.”
Jason huffed, “I answer to nobody but me.”
“Spare me the tough street kid routine, Jason. I know you better than that.”
Jason resolved to give him the silent treatment. If Bruce wanted to keep things from him, Jason would keep them right back.
Bruce’s voice got harsher at Jason’s refusal to answer, “You blew it back there. You completely lost your cool, and everything I taught you went out the window. Months of training, and time building up trust–”
How dare he talk about trust and training? Bruce had known for months. Jason was responding without thinking, “Trust? Don’t make me laugh.”
Bruce didn’t say anything for a few moments, looking confused at Jason’s sudden outburst. Jason stared up at him, getting angrier at Bruce’s silence.
Jason grit his teeth and looked into Bruce’s eyes, “I looked up Two-Face in your fancy computer. That’s something else you taught me how to do.”
Bruce’s jaw clenched and Jason knew he must be putting the pieces together. He finished connecting the dots for him, wanting to see Bruce’s reaction, “And I saw that my dad is dead. That Two-Face murdered him.”
Bruce was silent, looking genuinely unsure of how to proceed. Jason pushed on Bruce’s chest and wasn’t surprised when he didn’t budge. He let himself get louder then, “I had a right to know! Why did you keep it from me?”
He beat his fists against the bat symbol on Bruce’s chest a few times. He felt a few tears creeping past his domino mask and ripped it off. The sting didn’t help the tears welling up in his eyes, but Jason pushed forward.
“No wonder you lost your cool, Jason. I’m sorry– I was wrong and trying to protect you.” Bruce’s voice was too calm and too considerate for Jason’s anger. He hit him again, wanting to go back to the fight. He was angry. He was so, so angry. Bruce grabbed his wrist gently and pulled it away from where it was hitting him. He placed his hands on Jason’s shoulders.
Jason was out of energy from the yelling. His voice was sharp and quiet, “Protect me? You’ve taken me out into combat, but this is too much for me?”
Bruce’s hands squeeze his shoulders and sighed, thinking about what to say for a few moments. Jason hated that he found himself waiting for an answer.
“This is harder than combat, son. Fighting comes easily to the young– learning how to temper revenge into justice, well, that’s hard even for an adult.”
Jason started crying despite his best efforts not to. Bruce didn’t get it. His hands tightened on Jason’s shoulders and Jason shrugged away. He turned towards the desk and leaned over it, letting a few fat tears hit the metal.
He didn’t get it. Jason stood still for a few moments before bring a hand to his face and trying to wipe away any tears.
“It’s my fault,” Jason was ashamed at the sobs that broke up his words, “It’s my fault he got killed.”
Bruce’s voice was steady, it had none of the shakiness of Jason’s, “No, son. He made his decisions and it had nothing to do with you.”
Bruce didn’t understand. It had everything to do with Jason.
“No! You don’t get it. He was doing better. He got a job. And then I ruined all of it.”
Jason wiped the back of his glove against his eyes.
“Jason, the only person to blame for his death is Two-Face. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But, he only hurt that man because of me. It’s my fault he went to jail,” Jason’s knees felt like giving out, “I should have been better and then he wouldn’t have done it.”
His dad was dead. If Jason had just been a little braver or a little quieter…
Bruce’s hand rubbed between his shoulder blades and Jason finally looked up at him. He’d taken the cowl off and was looking down at him in confusion, “Jason, what do you mean?”
“I ruined everything.”
Bruce stared at him. He looked lost and Jason’s bit down on his lip so hard he worried it would bleed.
Jason glanced away from Bruce as he spoke, “I should have said no or just shut up about it. Then, my dad would still be alive.”
Jason didn’t like the knowing look that came into Bruce’s eyes. Jason pushed away from his hand and yelled, “I don’t need your pity. It wasn’t a big deal and I should have dealt with it myself. I should have been stronger.”
But he was weak and he’d begged his dad for help. And that help had gotten him killed. And it was all Jason’s fault.
“Jason, you were only nine when he went to jail. You did everything you could have done.”
“You don’t know that.”
He hadn’t been good enough for his mom to stay sober. He hadn't been strong enough to keep his dad around.
“I know you, Jason. I know that you’ve never been weak.”
Jason looked up into his eyes for some sort of confirmation and saw that same concern and hurt he’d seen years earlier on someone else. He wanted his dad.
He collapsed forward and Bruce let out a sharp inhale before swooping down to catch him. Bruce slowed his fall but Jason sank down to his knees anyways, crying into his hands. Jason still had nightmares about it. He could still feel it under his skin. He hated it. He hated him.
Bruce seemed hesitant to grab Jason fully but he needed the comfort. He crawled up into Bruce’s lap and pushed his face into his shoulder. Normally, Jason kept a distance from Bruce, even though the man adopted him, Jason didn't want to overstep. But he was too tired to feel embarrassed by asking for so much from him. He pressed his forehead against the warm leather armour.
Bruce pulled him into his lap and ran a hand through his hair. He was murmuring something into the top of Jason’s head. Jason stopped crying after a few minutes but he couldn't let go. He didn't want to get up and face everything else. He wanted to stay here. He was terrified Bruce would leave him there just like Willis had.
Jason didn’t know how long they sat there. He was practically asleep by the time Bruce stood up. He woke up immediately at the movement and grabbed onto Bruce's armour more fully.
“I’m just going to change to my upstairs clothes. Maybe we can eat dinner in front of the TV.”
Jason must be more out of it than he thought. Alfred never let them eat on the couch unless one of them was really injured. Jason grabbed onto Bruce’s arm for just a second before pulling away. A hand ran through his hair again, “I’ll be right back, don’t worry.”
He felt himself getting placed on the chair in front of the computer and after a few moments, a pair of sweatpants and a long-sleeve shirt were placed on his lap. Somewhere far behind him, he heard a shower start. He glanced away and saw the curtains closed with the Bat-suit folded up on the table next to it.
Staring down at the clothes in his lap, Jason realized what was expected of him. He stood up and stripped down from his uniform. He slid the new clothes on quickly. They were big on him and the pants were so long that only the tips of his toes peeked out.
Jason sat back down in the big chair. It still smelled like coffee from the time last week when Jason had accidentally dropped Bruce’s mug into his lap.
He pulled his knees up and stared at the big screen in front of him. It was blank but it gave him something to stare at. He tried not to think, instead watching the reflections of the Batcave on the black screen.
Jason let his mind empty and watched the bats floating around the highest points of the cave.
After a few minutes, he saw Bruce leaving the shower and walking towards him in the reflection on the screen. Jason turned to see him and Bruce gave a soft smile. He was moving slower than normal and there were bags under his eyes. He looked as tired as Jason felt.
Jason felt bad about it. That he was causing so much stress to Bruce by fucking up their mission and then making Bruce comfort him. He was a bad Robin. He was a bad son.
Before his mind could spiral, Bruce was in front of him, speaking, “Alfred’s making pasta. What do you think we should watch?”
Jason slid off the chair and looked down at his own feet. He shrugged and walked forward with Bruce, “I don’t care.”
“Maybe Lord of the Rings?”
Jason huffed at that and looked up at Bruce, “No way, because then we have to watch the whole thing. And the Hobbit is way better anyways.”
What was Bruce thinking? Jason had told him that like a hundred times. He rolled his eyes at Bruce’s ridiculous suggestion.
“Let’s watch Pride and Prejudice. I still can’t believe you’ve never seen that one.”
Jason was moving up the stairs quickly, excited to go watch the familiar movie. He looked back at where Bruce had stopped behind him. Bruce was a few steps down from him with a small smile on his face.
Jason furrowed his brow, “What’s that look about?”
“Nothing,” Bruce walked up a few more steps, “Now, hurry up before the garlic bread gets cold.”
Jason rushed up the stairs at the reminder of the food waiting for him.
Bruce moved slower and Jason was already sitting in the living room holding a warm bowl on his lap by the time Bruce came in. He'd filled a bowl for Bruce too which was sitting on the table in front of them.
"C'mon, C'mon. You have to get comfy before we start the movie or else you'll miss something."
Bruce dropped onto the couch with a sigh. It felt like Bruce was moving slower to annoy him. Still Jason waited until Bruce was sitting down fully to press play. The scene of Lizzy walking through a field began playing and Jason dug into the food in front of him.
Jason talked through the whole thing. Bruce had laughed at him the third time he'd said "No wait, this one is my favourite scene" but it hadn't stopped him from making them. In fact, Bruce himself had started making comments too.
As the movie went on, Jason found himself getting sleepier. Eventually, he felt the plate get pulled out of his hands and a blanket pulled up over his lap. He opened his eyes enough to smile at Bruce. He tried to focus on the screen again but nodded off soon after Lydia and Wickham got married. He tilted sideways, letting his head fall onto the cushions between him and Bruce.
Jason woke up to a grumbly voice saying his name. He barely opened one eye to see Bruce crouching down in front of where he was laying.
"Time for bed, kid."
Jason hummed a response and Bruce smiled down at him. His voice was teasing, "Oh, well I guess if you're asleep I'm gonna have to carry you."
Jason closed his eyes tighter, wondering if he could get away with it. Before she got weak, he always loved when his mom carried him to bed. Bruce slipped his arms under Jason and lifted him up with ease. He tipped his head onto Bruce's shoulder and peeked up at him. Bruce brought him all the way to him room before looking down and meeting Jason's eyes.
He pushed past the door and settled Jason in bed. Once the sheets were over his chest, Bruce took a few steps away from the bed. He looked a bit sheepish when he spoke, "I know you might not be comfortable with it. But if you ever have trouble sleeping, you can come to see me or Alfred. Or anytime you want some company."
Jason pulled the sheets up higher and looked up at Bruce. He was still lingering a little bit away, waiting for an answer, "Ok. I will."
Bruce gave a short nod, "Good night, Jay."
"Good night," Jason's voice got a bit quieter, "Um I- love you."
A smile came over Bruce's face, "I love you too. Sleep well."