Chapter Text
***
Valkyrie stomped the snow off her boots as she marched up the steps of the King’s little home.
It sure as hell didn’t look like a King lived there. It was small, and dark. The windows always shut, and the curtains drawn. The porch was clean, not even a chair or stool insight, but she knew that couldn’t be said for the rest of the home.
She sighed, tugging at the end of her coat with her gloved hands. Even covered by three layers, she still wasn’t protected from the harsh New Asgard winters. She rolled her neck from side to side - almost as if she was entering a boxing ring. In some ways, she most certainly was. Her conversations with the New King of New Asgard almost always ended with some sort of altercation.
She huffed, bringing her knuckles to the door. She gave a few solid hits, and then waited patiently to receive no reply. This was all part of their routine. She would knock, he would ignore her - in hopes that she would just give up and leave - and she would end up just letting herself in anyways. She sighed, digging into her pockets to retrieve her personal keys.
She went down the door in order of locks - there were many. The obsessive amount of locks on the door was only a minuscule aggravation compared to the other things on Valkyrie’s long list of complaints.
She shoved the house keys back into her pocket, finally turning the doorknob and leaning her shoulder into the wood, but was met with much resistance when she noticed the three chained locks on the inside of the door.
“You’ve got to be kidding me…” She muttered with a hot breath.
She shimmed her arm through the small granted space, trying to undo the chains herself. She knew no matter how loud she called, or begged, the King wouldn’t help her. He didn’t want her there in the first place, all these locks are mostly for her.
But she was just as stubborn and bullheaded as he was. She wouldn’t give up that easily.
She stood in the now open doorway, releasing a very pinted up aggravated sigh. The locks on the door were now all undone, but the door still was only open a mere foot. She pushed on it, getting it to budge a few more inches. She slid through the small opening, looking behind the door to see a stack of boxes as tall as the ceilings. She huffed, her shoulders falling when she looked down the hall. Well, it wasn’t really much of a hallway, per say, given that you couldn’t see the floors or walls due to all of the books, boxes, and trash scattered and stacked about.
She tugged at the collar of her coat. She always felt claustrophobic in here, she didn’t know how he managed to live in this mess.
She attempted to make her way down the cluttered hallway. Stepping over books and piles of miscellaneous things. She honestly didn’t know where he required all this stuff - it’s not like he ever left the damn house.
She huffed, her fists clenching down at her sides as she finally made it down the treacherous hallway and into an even more haunting living room. There was just enough open space to see an outline of the couch, and the tv that sat on the littered fireplace mantle. Every other inch of the room was as messy as the hall. She looked around, not seeing her all-mighty ruler anywhere. Although, it would be very easy to hide in such a mess.
She sighed, rolling her head to the side, as her eyes scanned the room. “Are you home, your majesty?” She knew it was a stupid question, she only asked it to annoy him.
Her eyebrows peaked when she heard an aggravated groan.
“I told you not to call me that.” She heard him growl from the couch a few feet away. She peaked over the back of the couch. He had a blanket curled up to his neck, his hair tangled and sprawled across his pillow, he shared the couch with folders, papers, and a few books. Valkyrie doubted it was very comfortable.
“You put new locks on the doors.” She said, matter-of-factly.
“Yes, well, you would think you would take the hint.” She heard him mutter as she walked around the couch. She looked about the place. It looked just as bad as the last time she was here. She glanced towards him. He looked just as bad as the last time too.
“Have you gotten out of bed today, Loki?” She asked, pulling her gloves off.
Loki huffed, yanking his blanket further up his neck. “What does it matter?”
Valkyrie tried not to roll her eyes, “It matters because it’s almost four in the evening.”
The room went quiet. She huffed, turning away. She knew better than to try and talk any sense into him. She had been trying to do that for five years already - little to no luck obviously.
“The reports are on the kitchen table. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?” Loki huffed, dragging a hand over his face. Valkyrie shook her head, turning on her heel. He really tested her patience more than any other.
She walked into the small and overcrowded kitchen. It was a miracle she found what she was looking for. She grabbed a few folders off the top of a box sitting in one of the kitchen chairs. She looked up, noticing the display of melted candles and open textbooks. She turned one of the books closer to her, reading the ancient script and runic symbols. She held her breath, her fists tightening around the city reports she held in her hand. She stomped back down the small steps leading into the living room.
“I see you’re practicing magic. So, I take it you’re off your meds, again?”
Loki finally raised his head off his pillow to look at her. “No.” He spatted back defensively, “I’m taking them. And- And what does my magic have to do with this-”
Valkyrie lunged forward a step, hitting Loki over the top of the head with the folders in hand. Loki squeezed his eyes shut as she hit him a few times.
“Because -” She grunted, huffing as she took a step back, “Because you told me your meds affect your magic. And if you’re practicing again, that means you're not taking them.”
Loki looked away from her, having obviously forgotten he had told her that bit of information.
“Well, am I wrong?” Valkyrie put her fists to her hips.
Loki growled, rolling his eyes. He finally sat up, pushing his blanket to the side. “No, you’re not wrong! But why the hell is it any of your business?”
“It’s my business because I care about you, Loki.” He groaned, throwing his head into his hands. She looked at him for a second, shaking her head slightly. “I mean seriously… When was the last time you took care of yourself?” He didn’t move, or so much as glance in her direction. He just kept his head down. “When- When was the last time you ate, or showered - or brushed your teeth for norns sake!” Loki glanced up at her, his matted curls covering his face.
Valkyrie knelt down, putting her hand on Loki’s arm. His eyes darted down to the sudden touch immediately.
“I finished the reports, didn't I?”
Valkyrie clenched her eyes shut, fighting off tears, “This isn’t about the goddamn reports, Loki!” She felt him flinch underneath her grasp. She took a deep breath, squeezing his arm, “I mean it… You can’t keep living like this.”
She waited for him to say something, to finally cave in and tell her that she was right - that he needed her help after all. But of course, that was wishful thinking.
Loki’s eyes slowly drifted up to hers. She was closer to him now then she had been in a long time. His eyes were so gray, and sunken in, his face long and thin. She could see the sprinkle of gray hair too. She couldn’t believe she had let him get this bad. She was supposed to be here for him - she promised Thor she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him. She wondered what he would do if he was here, what he would say…
“Just go.”
She felt her chest cave.
“What?” Valkyrie retreated her hand from his arm like he had burned her.
Loki shook his head, “I don’t want you here. I don’t want your help. I’m fine on my own.”
She didn’t mean to laugh, and it didn’t even really sound like a laugh, it was more like a hateful bark. “You’re joking, right?”
Loki rolled his eyes, clenching his jaw tightly. Valkyrie stood, hovering over him.
“You know what- fine.” Loki glanced back up at her. “Fine, you win. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” She swiped the folders off the cluttered coffee table where she had tossed them, “It’s obvious I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, right? So I guess I should just leave you here to drown in this mess.”
“Valkyrie-”
“No, you’re right. You’re perfectly fine. I shouldn’t be wasting my time on you, no matter how much your brother begged me to watch over you. You don’t need me.” She pulled her gloves back on quickly, in her aggravated state.
Loki cringed, his nails curling into his knees.
“No, go on. Wear yourself thin, practice your magic, ignore your meds. Go on and kill yourself, for all I care. I clearly can’t stop you.” She stormed out of the house as effectively as she could, trying to avoid the obstacles Loki had barricaded around him.
He let her go, even let her slam the door without a noticeable complaint. His nails dug further into his thighs as he continued to sit there in crippling silence. Slowly, he felt his chest begin to ache, and the burning behind his eyes became too much. His shoulders started to shake and he choked on a sob. He covered his face in his hands and fell back into his pillow, letting his sobs shake his entire body.
***
As soon as the door closed behind her, Valkyrie froze in her tracks. She shouldn’t have said that. She shouldn’t have said any of that.
She bit her lip, turning around on her heel. She can’t leave - What was she thinking? God, what was wrong with her?
She was just so frustrated, and annoyed. She felt like no matter what she said it would always end up falling on deaf ears with him. She couldn’t count the number of nights she has rushed over to stop him from doing something stupid, or talked him through a panic attack, or slept on that disgusting floor just to stop him from having nightmares. She had done everything she thought she could and still - nothing - seemed to be working.
She was just so tired.
But he was still hurting, and she doubted anything she had said had eased his pain. It most definitely made things worse. She sighed, pinching her forehead.
But what the hell would she say now? ‘Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean all that, please don’t kill yourself’? She huffed, practically face palming herself. Probably the best thing for both of them is to just sit for a minute. She needs time to think and Loki probably doesn’t want to see her face for a while.
She glanced at the door one last time before she slowly turned around and headed back down the porch.
***
After dropping off the financial reports Loki had figured to City Hall, Valkyrie had walked down the block to the local pub. She hadn’t been there in a while. She was seriously trying to lay off the booze, and had been doing a good job. But everyone has those days.
She walked up to the bar, seeing a familiar blonde sitting a stool down.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes,” He smirked, looking her over, “I thought you were trying to quit?”
Valkyrie huffed, tearing her gloves off and nodding towards the bartender, “Yeah, well, I had a stressful day.”
He smirked, but his eyes told her he knew exactly what she meant. She tilted her chin up at him as the bartender slid her a mug, “What about you? You know, I heard you were quite the party animal back in Asgard. What happened?”
He laughed a little, his eyes drifting into the contents of his glass, “Yeah, well… I’m afraid those days are far behind me. I don’t think I have that sort of energy anymore.”
Valkyrie nodded, sipping her beer. “I know what you mean.” She muttered.
They sat and talked for a while, sometimes the conversation would hit a lull and they would sit in comfortable silence. She hadn’t had many conversations with him before, but she knew he had been a close friend to Thor, and a part of the infamous Warrior’s Three. But he didn’t seem like much of a warrior anymore, well, she guessed neither did she.
“Fandral, can I ask you a question?” She asked after a long run of silence. He raised an eyebrow at her and he sipped his glass. “It’s about Loki.”
Fandral nearly choked on his drink. He coughed harshly, grabbing his chest. “Yeah, sure,” He cleared his throat awkwardly, “I suppose.” He shifted in his stool nervously.
Valkyrie traced the rim of her glass.
“You two were together, right? Once upon a time?” She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes.
She watched him swallow thickly, and his grip around his glass loosen. He took a second to answer, but eventually he nodded his head.
“Yeah, we used to date.” He cleared his throat again. “But that was a long time ago-”
“So, would you say you have moved on?” She raised an eyebrow at him as he shot her a glance.
“Valkyrie, we dated when we were teenagers. Centuries ago.”
“So?” She shrugged, “That doesn’t answer the question.”
He looked at her, then finally sighed, his shoulders dropping. “I think…” He huffed, “I think I’ll always care about him. No matter what I do.”
Valkyrie watched him tilt his head back, finishing the rest of his liquor. She chewed on her lip anxiously, tapping the bar with the tip of her finger.
“When was the last time you saw him?” She asked.
He glanced at her, shrugging, “Last time everyone saw him. At his so-called coronation. Haven’t seen him since, nobody has, besides you.”
Valkyrie nodded, swallowing slowly. She looked around the small pub, then turned back to the bar. She straightened up, leaning in closer. Fandral watched her carefully.
“Look… I need your help.” She said quietly.
He gave her a look that she couldn’t quite read.
“He’s as bad as people say he is, isn’t he?”
She didn’t want to answer that, but she had to. She reluctantly nodded. Fandral shook his head, staring down at his empty glass.
“How bad? I’ve only heard rumors, how much of it is true?” He asked after a moment.
Valkyrie shrugged, swirling the last bit of beer in her mug around. “Just about all of it. All he does is sleep. He doesn’t eat, or shower, or take care of himself in any capacity. I got him to see a doctor a few years ago, he had regularly scheduled calls, but he quit that a long time ago. He rarely takes his meds. I think they would help if I could just get him to take them.” She sighed, her eyes down casted, “He’s been searching for a way to bring Thor back. He won’t tell me that, but I know that’s what he’s been doing.” She shook her head, “I don't know much about magic, or sedir, but I know he shouldn't be practicing as much as he is when he's in this bad of state. He's burning himself out quicker than he can counter it.”
Fandral nodded, remembering his old friend solemnly. The mere mention of his name brought a lump to his throat.
“I’ve tried everything.” She sounded tired. “I’ve done everything I know to do. But I can’t help him. He won’t listen to me.”
“But you think he’ll listen to me?” He almost sounded amused.
Valkyrie cocked an eyebrow, “It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?”
Fandral shook his head, “Eh - I don’t know. We didn’t really end on the best of terms.”
“Well, it can’t be any worse than what I just said to him.” She muttered, ordering another beer. She could feel Fandral’s eyes on her, she suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of shame. She glanced back at him, and he looked a little haunted. “What?” She shrugged.
“You do know what today is, don’t you?” He asked.
Valkyrie looked around a little clueless. She knew Yule Tide was coming up, but it wasn't for another few days. She shrugged, giving up.
“It’s the Seventeenth. It’s Loki’s birthday.”
She felt bile run up the back of her throat. It was like she was just sucker punched in the gut. She leaned forward on the bar, cradling her head, “You’ve got to be kidding me,” She muttered under his breath, “I’m definitely burning in hell.”
“It- It can’t be that bad-”
Valkyrie turned to him, “I told him I didn’t care if he killed himself.”
Fandral flinched, his face falling slightly. She even saw an ounce of anger with how his eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened.
“Why would you say that?” He asked in a low tone.
Valkyrie crashed into the bar again, holding her head in her hands, “I don’t know! I didn’t even mean it. I just- I was so angry. I’m just so tired of trying to save him, when he obviously doesn't want to be saved.”
She waited patiently for the blonde to return a snide remark. Ridicule her for being so careless. Curse her, hit her - anything really. She expected she had it coming.
“That’s just Loki.” She lifted her head up when she heard how calm his voice was, he almost sounded reminiscent. “He’s never been very good at asking for help.”
He stood from his bar stool, digging his wallet out of his jean pockets. When he finally turned to face her, her eyes flickered down to the absent limb that resided on his left side. The left sleeve of his flannel was tucked in. Valkyrie recalled him losing the arm when Hela attacked Asgard. She swallowed, her eyes focusing back on his.
Fandral grabbed his coat off the bar, pulling it on in his own special way that worked for him. Valkyrie was hesitant to ask if he needed help. He huffed, planting a comforting smile on his face, “Don’t worry about Loki, I’ll check on him.”
Valkyrie nodded, swallowing thickly. He reminded her so much of Thor right then. The warm smile, the confidence in his tone, the reassurance in his eyes. She guessed she could see why Loki liked him.
“Thank you.” She muttered, ducking her head as he passed. She looked over her shoulder as he headed for the door. He was her last hope. If he couldn’t talk some sense into Loki, she didn’t know what else she could do. The thought of forcing Loki into some sort of facility had always been in the back of her mind, but she had always talked herself out of it. But as time has gone on, it might be her only option.
She sighed, turning back to the bar.
***
Loki laid on the couch, staring into the flames of the fireplace. Tears had been steadily running down his cheeks for hours now, he didn’t think they would ever stop. His pillow case was now fairly soaked, his eyes swollen and red, his head pounded and his nose was all stopped up.
He sniffled, running the back of his hand underneath his nose for the hundredth time. He had practically rubbed it raw.
His eyes shifted to the bottle of liquor sitting on the coffee table in front of him. It was still about half full, but he was already drunk. That was just one more thing he was inadequate at - drinking. He had never really been much of a drinker. He remembered countless times growing up when his brother and his friends would ridicule him for being such a lightweight. But he guessed it didn’t matter much now. Nothing would.
He sat up slowly, the room beginning to tip. He sat on the edge of the couch, his fingers curling over the cushions as he tried to settle the nausea in his stomach. He glanced at the bottle of pills sitting next to the alcohol. He picked up the pill bottle, he tried to read the label but the words were blurry and the ink ran together. He pinched the bridge of his nose, clenching his eyes shut.
He was sure they would do the trick. They were an old prescription of pain meds for his injuries after his fight with Thanos all those years ago. They were long expired now, but that didn’t matter.
He tipped the bottle, and filled his palm with tiny white pills.
He was still crying. He didn’t want to be crying when he did this. He choked on a gasp, his chest hurting from the pain. He doubled over, resting his head in his open hand. The voice in the back of his head was already trying to talk him out of it. It sounded like his brother.
Loki shook his head, sitting up straight. He stared down at the pills in his hand. He had lost count at what attempt this was, hopefully it would be the last.
He didn’t think much would change, not really. The council would have to find someone else to balance the books, but that wouldn’t be hard. Valkyrie would have a lot more free time on her hands. She wouldn’t have to come over in the middle of the night when he called her in a panic, or go grocery shopping for him because he was too scared to leave his house. She would probably be the most grateful.
He swallowed thickly, nodding in agreement with himself.
His people wouldn’t mourn his death, he doubted they would even notice. And maybe that was for the best.
With shaky hands he let his fingers curl around the neck of the liquor bottle. He didn’t really want to do this, but he felt like he had too. He was such a burden - Too much of a hassle for anyone else to deal with.
He took a deep breath, trying to force himself to raise the pills to his mouth. He jumped when he heard the knock at the door. He looked over his shoulder, still a little startled. He turned back around, looking at the liquor and pills in his hands.
If it was Valkyrie, she would eventually let herself in, and then probably proceed to drag his ass to an institution once she found out what he was doing.
He held his breath, waiting to hear her keys enter the door. Instead, he was granted another knock. His eyebrows pressed with confusion, she never bothered knocking twice.
He didn’t think it could be anyone else, unless something was seriously wrong, like the village was being attacked or something. He huffed, sliding the pills back into the bottle the best he could. He stood, swaying immediately. He caught himself with the arm of the couch, taking slow deep breaths as he tried to focus his vision.
He walked to the door, unlocking all of the locks except the chains. He opened the door, peeking out of the small space. His mouth immediately ran dry and his stomach dropped.
“Fandral” Loki muttered breathlessly. “What… What are you doing here?” Loki tried peeking behind the blonde’s wide frame, seeing if anyone else was there.
“I just…” Fandral had to stop himself. He hadn’t seen the younger prince in quite some time, of course he had heard rumors, and Valkyrie had even told him they were true, but still… he didn’t think anything could have prepared him. He swallowed thickly, having to pry his eyes off of Loki’s disheveled appearance. “I just wanted to uh- stop by and wish you a happy birthday.”
Loki stared at him.
Fandral cleared his throat, waiting for Loki to say something but he just continued to look at him cluelessly.
“Loki?” He asked with a raised brow, “You okay?”
Loki finally moved, shaking his head as he looked at the ground, “Sorry, I just… I wasn’t expecting you to remember that.”
Fandral laughed, catching Loki’s attention. “How could I forget? Thor always made sure to throw you such an extravagant party, even though you always hated them.”
Loki swallowed, nodding slightly.
It went quiet for a second. Fandral stood there, his eyes trailing over the small portion of Loki that the still chained door allowed him to see. Fandral could tell that he was too thin. His hair was so matted that it was probably beyond saving. He reeked of alcohol, which was never a good sign. Fandral could remember all of the times from their youth when Loki would drink himself into a stupor just in an attempt to fit in with his friends. Fandral could cringe now. Loki's eyes were puffy, and his cheeks red. Fandral could still see the shimmer of tears on his face illuminated by the porch light.
“Can I come in?”
That seemed to startle Loki. His eyes snapped up to meet Fandral’s and he tightened his grip on the door. He shook his head quickly, “No, no, not right now- I can’t.”
Loki tried to push the door shut, but Fandral quickly put his palm against it, making Loki gasp. Fandral stared at him with pleading eyes. Loki swallowed thickly.
“Loki, please.” Fandral said calmly, “No one should be alone on their birthday.”
Loki ducked his head, his hands shaking behind the door. “I… it’s a mess..” He said quietly.
Fandral smiled at him warmly, “I don’t mind.”
Loki chewed in his lip, not being able to look the blonde in the eyes, “I’m a mess.”
“That’s okay, too.”
Loki glanced up at him, and despite the years added to his face, and the new weight on his frame, Fandral still looked the way he did when they were fourteen. Hopelessly in love.
Loki nodded sheepishly. He closed the door gently, sliding the locks over. He stood there for a second, with his head pressed against the door. He must be drunker than he thought - there was no way in his right mind he would ever be doing this.
He took a deep breath as he slowly let the door open. Its hinges creaked as Loki took a step back, still hiding behind the door. He could only open it so far because of the mess behind it, so Fandral had to awkwardly squeeze inside. Loki stood there a moment, looking at him. Fandral had let his beard grow out, no longer sporting his signature goatee and mustache. Maybe it was because of the beard, but his face looked rounder, like he had gained weight. It might have also been from the three layers of clothing, but his shoulders looked wider too.
Fandral took a deep breath when he stepped inside. He instantly smelled the stale air. Fandral knew he was the only other person to have stepped foot in this house aside from Valkyrie in the five years that Loki lived here, and he could see why. His eyes scanned over the house quickly, he didn’t want Loki to think he was judging him. Fandral guessed he really shouldn’t be that surprised. Loki always had a messy room when they were kids. He should have known his future house would be ten times worse. But even still… This was like - hoarder level of mess.
Fandral swallowed thickly, turning his attention back to Loki. He started to unzip his coat, struggling to get his arm out. Loki chewed his lip, rocking on his heels.
“Do-Do you need help?”
Fandral smiled gently, nodding, “Sure. Thank you.” He knew he could probably do it himself, he did have plenty of practice now, but that didn’t mean he had to.
Loki helped him with his coat, and jacket, hanging them on the back of the door. He turned back around to see Fandral rolling his left flannel sleeve, and tucking it so it didn’t dangle absently. Loki swallowed, ducking his head as Fandral looked up at him. Loki cleared his throat, walking past the blonde. Fandral turned to follow him, his eyes scanning over the mess as they passed. He watched Loki stumble his way into the living room.
Fandral scratched the back of his neck anxiously.
“You seemed upset…” Loki’s head popped up, "Earlier, when you answered the door. Is everything okay?”
Loki looked away, fidgeting with his hands. “I…”
Fandral glanced towards the coffee table, seeing the open bottle of pills next to the half empty bottle of liquor.
“Have you been drinking?” Fandral asked, tilting his head in the table's direction.
Loki stared at the contents he had left out. He swallowed thickly, wrapping his arms around his chest protectively. He shrugged, dipping his head, “Yeah, so? I can’t have a drink?”
Fandral took a step towards him, making Loki look up, “Well, of course you can. I just don’t think you’re supposed to drink with those.” He gestured towards the pills.
Loki looked at them, then his eyes fell back to the floor.
Fandral’s chest began to ache. He took a deep breath before he asked a much dreaded question. “How many did you take?”
Loki shook his head, his fingers becoming tangled in his hair. “I didn’t- I haven’t taken any, yet.”
“Can I have them?” Loki looked up unexpectedly. He knew what Fandral was doing, he was much smoother than Valkyrie. She would have come in here guns blazing, grabbing the pills and the back of Loki’s head as she dragged him to the car.
Loki glanced at them. They were his last bottle. He didn’t have any strong prescriptions left… he guessed he could always try a different method later. He didn’t necessarily have to rely on pills.
Loki fidgeted with his hands, tangling his fingers together. He nodded, taking a step back as Fandral walked slowly around the couch towards the table. He picked up the bottle, glancing at Loki.
“Do you have anything else in the house?”
Loki clenched his eyes shut, his fingers digging into his scalp. He had this burning pain in his chest, and it was starting to spread to his face.
“Why - Why do you even care? Why are you even here?” Loki screamed through gritted teeth, his jaw clenching tight.
Fandral stayed irritatingly calm.
“Because I care about you, Loki.”
Loki threw his head back with a cruel chuckle, “Right! And this is the first time you’ve ever stopped by.”
“You don’t think I wanted to come sooner? Of course I did! I pass by your house every day. I just - I just thought you wouldn’t want to see me.” Fandral tried bringing his voice back down. He didn’t need to yell at him, it would only make matters worse.
Loki turned his head, “You expect me to believe that?” He muttered. His mind was racing, his fists clenched at his sides. “This was Valkyrie, wasn’t it?” He turned to him sharply, “Did she put you up to this?”
Fandral shook his head, holding his hands up, “She didn’t ‘put me up’ to anything! She mentioned-“
“I knew it! That’s why you’re here- I mean, why else? God, I’m such a fucking idiot-“
“Loki, stop it!” Fandral lunged forward, grabbing one of Loki's wrist as he began hitting himself in the head. Fandral pulled his arm down, tugging Loki closer to him. The younger God's eyes shifted up towards him. Fandral almost didn’t recognize him.
“Loki, please…” Fandral begged him.
Loki shook his head, his tears starting to fall again. “Please,” he weakly hit his fists against Fandral's chest, “Please, please, just go.”
Fandral sucked in a breath, shaking his head. “Loki, you know I can’t do that.” The younger prince immediately pulled away, his hands coming up to shield his face. Fandral reached out for him, but ultimately let his hand fall short.
“I promise-“ Loki gasped, “I promise I won’t do anything stupid, if you just- please just leave me alone.”
Fandral tried to ignore the twisting of his gut. “Loki, I can’t-“
“I didn’t even want to do it! Okay, I swear!”
“Then why have this out? Why have them ready to take? Why drink more than you can handle?” Fandral questioned him relentlessly. Loki turned away again, covering his face.
“I don’t know,” he cried underneath his breath. He shook his head, his fingers tangled in his hair, “I thought that’s what I had to do.”
“Loki,” Fandral said breathlessly, “Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know! I just…” He finally looked at him. Loki managed to take a breath and settle his sobs for just a moment, “Things would be easier if I wasn’t here.”
Fandral swallowed thickly, shaking his head, “Loki, that’s not true. Stop trying to convince yourself it is. I promise you it’s not.”
“But it is!” Loki yelled, “Everyone’s lives would be easier! Valkyrie’s especially. Okay? I don’t - I don’t deserve her worrying about me. I don’t deserve you coming over out of nowhere - talking me off the edge.” He took a breath, straightening up and looking Fandral in the eye, “Please, just go.”
Fandral shook his head, taking a step towards him. Loki jerked his arm away when Fandral tried reaching for him.
“Will you just stop? Okay? I don’t - I don’t know why you’re here, or what you want from me. It’s- It’s confusing, and it hurts. Okay?” Loki glanced up at him with teary eyes. Loki shook his head, his eyes falling towards the floor, not being able to handle the way that Fandral was looking at him. “I thought-“ he cleared his throat, “I thought you were married?”
Fandral looked taken back by that.
Loki shrugged, “I read it in the paper.” He swallowed, tilting his chin up, “So, why don’t you stop wasting your time here and go home to your wife?”
Fandral cringed, shaking his head, “Yeah, married and divorced. Unfortunately, they didn’t put that in the article.”
Loki stood there a second, his tongue feeling heavy.
“I- I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.” He confessed quietly.
Fandral looked to the side, feeling a pang of guilt in his chest, “Yes, well it was short lived.”
It went quiet again.
“Do you want to know why?” Fandral asked.
Loki hesitated, but decided to shake his head. “No, it’s- it’s none of my business.”
Fandral took a step towards him, reaching for his hand. “It’s because she knew she didn’t have my whole heart.” Loki glanced up at him, letting Fandral weave their fingers together. “No matter how much I loved her, which I did - Very much so. It didn’t matter… Because there was always someone else out there who I loved more.”
Loki’s throat bobbed, he swallowed thickly, shaking his head slightly. Fandral squeezed his hand when he felt Loki trying to slip away. Finally, the younger God managed to wiggle free, taking a few steps back. His hands came to cover his face again as he whined. “Don’t-” He choked, “Don’t do this to me.”
“What? Loki, I’m not-”
“Don’t play with me.” Loki snarled, “I can’t- I can’t take it. I don’t care if Valkyrie told you to say this - I don’t want to hear it-”
“Hey, hey-” Fandral tried walking towards him again, Loki shielded his face, turning away from Fandral, “I’m not- I’m not playing with you. And- And Valkyrie didn’t tell me to say any of this. I mean it! Okay? I’m not…” Fandral sighed, his shoulders slumping as he looked around the room for a moment.
He touched Loki’s shoulder softly, “Okay what about this - How about I fix you something to eat?”
Loki hiccupped unexpectedly, looking up through his fingers. “What?” He mumbled behind his hands.
“I’m guessing you haven’t eaten, right? Let me fix you something to eat. You need to eat. I mean - Everyone deserves dinner on their birthday.”
Loki brought his head up, sniffling slightly, “Then… Then you’ll leave?”
“Loki, you know I can’t leave you like this. Not when you are actively trying to kill yourself.” Loki flinched, looking away.
“I’m not- I told you I didn’t even want to do it!”
“That doesn’t matter! I’m not leaving.” Fandral argued back.
Loki huffed, covering his face for a second. Eventually he sighed, and he dropped his arms down at his sides. “I don’t… I don’t have any food.” He said quietly.
Fandral smiled softly, “That’s okay. I’ll order something.”
Loki nodded, walking past him to the couch. Fandral watched him sit down, the couch still housing books, folders, and scattered papers. Fandral stepped closer, eyeing the pillow and worn out blanket underneath all of the things.
“Do you sleep here?” He asked.
Loki’s eyes flickered up to him, then back down. He started cleaning off the couch, which basically entailed him throwing everything into the floor. “Yeah, sometimes.” He lied. He slept there every night. He hadn’t used his designated bed a single time. He barely even went into the bedroom. It was the cleanest room in the house because of it.
Fandral nodded, finally sitting down beside him once space was made available. He couldn’t deny that it was awkward. The tv wasn’t on, so they both just stared into the fire burning brightly in the fireplace before them. Loki kept his hands to himself, fidgeting in his lap. Fandral glanced over at him, watching him from the corner of his eye. He couldn’t believe the state that the young prince was in.
Loki had always been Thor’s baby brother, almost five centuries younger than Thor and his friends. Fandral could remember when they were very young, still in grade school, Thor used to carry Loki on his hip wherever they went. The Queen complained that the boy was never going to learn to walk if Thor never gave him a chance. Since then, the habit followed them into teenhood and onwards. Loki was always following them around, butting into their conversations, ratting them out if they ever excluded him. He had always been so boyish, so energetic and mischievous.
But here the same prince sat beside him, and he didn’t look at all like the young man that he should. He looked far older. His skin was worn from stress and heartbreak, his hair greying, his bones showing.
Fandral didn’t like it one bit, and he knew Thor would be cussing him up and down if he was here. ‘How could you let him get this way, you were supposed to look out for him’. Fandral sighed, earning a glance from Loki.
“We… We can watch something, if - if you’d like.” Loki suggested quietly, tilting his head towards the tv.
“Well, you’re the birthday boy, you put it on whatever. And tell me what you want to eat so I can order it.” Fandral said.
Loki blushed, ducking his head as he dug around his crowded coffee table for the remote.
“Get whatever, I’m… I’m not that hungry.” Fandral knew that had to be a lie. It was hard telling when the last time he ate was.
Fandral tried not to let his worry show too much. He knew it would only annoy him. He decided on ordering a pizza. He knew from their youth and time spent together that it was one of Loki’s favorite foods. He couldn’t go wrong.
He noted the surprise on the delivery guy's face when Fandral answered the door, he doubted the kid had ever been to the King’s house, and would definitely be telling everyone he knew about it tomorrow.
When they sat down to eat, Fandral slid the pizza box into Loki’s lap, not complaining when he proceeded to eat the entire thing mindlessly. Fandral wasn’t all that hungry, he had eaten at the bar, and it wasn’t like he needed the extra calories this late. He had been trying to lose the extra weight he had gained during his divorce, but it wasn’t going very well.
He sighed, tilting his head back on the couch, staring up at the tv. He had no idea what Loki was watching, it was some cartoon - they weren’t even speaking English so Fandral had no idea what they were saying. But there was a lot of fighting, and monologuing involved.
Loki leaned forward, his eyes not leaving the screen as he set the empty pizza box on top of the already mess of a table. He sat back, his shoulder bumping into Fandral. He jumped, looking towards him, his face almost holding the surprise of ‘I-Forgot-You-Were-Here’. He blushed, looking away quickly, his nails going back to picking at his cuticles until they bled.
“I’ll go home if you want me too,” Fandral said, “I know I - I sort of bombarded you, but - I’m glad I did. I stopped you from doing something reckless, and you do know it was reckless, don’t you, Loki?”
Loki swallowed thickly, nodding.
“I’ll give you my number. Please call me if you ever… You know, get that reckless idea back in your head.”
Loki gathered the courage to look up at him. He couldn’t believe how handsome he still was. How he managed to still have tan golden skin in fucking Norway of all places - was beyond him.
“I will.” Loki swallowed, his nails digging into his thigh, “But I… I don’t want you to leave. If - If that’s okay? I… I know it can be hard to stay here, it - it’s disgusting, and crowded, I would understand if you want to go home, but… You know it… It has been nice having company…” Loki ducked his head again, hiding behind his tangled curtain of hair.
“Of course, I’ll stay.” Fandral squeezed his shoulder, and it made Loki’s heart flutter. Fandral let his eyes wander across the room, “And if you want, I - I can help you clean up tomorrow.”
“No, no, that’s - that’s alright.” Loki quickly declined, shaking his head. “I - I like the mess, but I - I understand that it can be too much for some people.”
Fandral tried to understand him. “Why do you like it?”
Loki was obviously not expecting that question, he sat there a moment. “I don’t know,” He said quietly, “I - I just think it’s comforting.”
Fandral nodded. He tried, and he failed. He didn’t understand him at all. How could any of this be comforting? There’s boxes up to the ceiling, there’s books falling off the shelves, he saw a roach on the table earlier and he had to try not to panic. He wanted to help, but he just didn’t know how. He doubted Loki would even let him pick up the trash and leftover food scattered about.
He sighed, putting his arm over the back of the couch, Loki paid close attention to it, laying behind his shoulders.
“Do you have any medicines you have to take before you fall asleep?” Fandral asked, watching as Loki’s shoulders hiked up to his ears.
“Did Valkyrie tell you to say that?” He snapped.
Fandral couldn’t help but roll his eyes, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, okay? Valkyrie didn’t put me up to this, she didn’t give me a script.” Loki huffed, turning away from him, “I’m not here on her behalf of anyone else’s. I’m here because I want to be here, Loki.”
“But you - you said that she mentioned -”
“Yes, she mentioned you, okay?” He turned towards him, “I ran into her earlier, and she said she was worried about you, and that she said some things she shouldn’t have. Does that sound right?”
Loki shrugged, looking down again, “I- I don’t know… I don’t think she shouldn’t have said them.. I think I deserved it -”
“Now, come on, Loki, don’t say that. You know you shouldn’t think that way.”
Loki covered his face with his hands. Fandral winced - maybe he was in over his head. He wasn’t a mental health professional, he barely knew anything at all - All he knew was Loki needed help.
Fandral remembered noticing little things in their youth, when they were friends, and especially when they started dating once they were older. The way Loki would obsess over the tiniest of things. Worrying about tests, or fretting over something that someone said in passing weeks before. Fandral could recall countless nights where Loki would be set off by some minuscule thing. Either the music playing in the hall, or complaining that Fandral gave him a ‘weird’ look. Fandral knew now that he didn’t handle Loki’s issues the way he should have.
Their breakup was messy, and could have easily been avoided. But Fandral had been young and stupid, and not mature enough to realize Loki wasn’t being complicated, he was in dire need of support. And Fandral turned him away - saying he wasn’t able to ‘deal with him’ anymore, and that he ‘was too hard to handle’.
Fandral regretted a lot of things in his life. He’s made countless mistakes, getting married while he was still in love with someone else, for example. He made poor decisions on the battlefield, or maybe had too many drinks in one go, but he doesn’t regret anything more than the night he broke Loki’s heart.
Loki finally lifted his head back up, and Fandral waited for him to say something.
“I’m supposed to be taking something for my anxiety, and…” He trailed off, barely speaking above a whisper.
“Why don’t you want to take it?” Fandral asked, his hand gently laying on Loki’s shoulder. He slowly rubbed circles with his thumb, not wanting to overstimulate the younger man.
“I - It makes it hard to focus, and it… They mess with my magic.”
Fandral nodded along to information that he already knew. “Well, maybe you uh - Should take a break for a while? You know, start worrying about yourself. It’s not like your magic will go away, it’ll still be there.”
Loki swallowed thickly, nodding along with him. Fandral didn’t really know if he actually agreed or if he was just humoring him. “Where are they? I’ll get them for you.”
“There’s- There’s a lot. You don’t have to.” Loki stood, trying to deny him the chance to see how messed up he really is, but it didn’t do him much luck. Fandral followed him into the bathroom anyway. Loki glanced nervously over his shoulder as Fandral stepped into the doorway, his eyes on the tub, which was overflowing with clothes, trash, and other things.
“That’s uh - It looks like it’d be hard to use.” Fandral pointed to the tub, and Loki ducked his head.
He opened the cabinet above his sink, Fandral’s eyes widening at the stack and rows of prescription pill bottles.
“They - I - I don’t take all of them.” Loki said, noting his expression, “Some of them are old prescriptions. You know, when - if they didn’t work.” Loki grabbed the designated bottles.
“Why don’t you throw them out, then?” Fandral asked, leaning on the doorframe.
Loki glanced up at him, looking as though he had just spoken a foreign language.
“I- I don’t know.” He said quietly, “I… What if I need them?”
“Well, you said they didn’t work. Why would you need them, if they didn’t work?”
Loki looked to the wall of bottles. He guessed Fandral made a pretty good point, but he couldn’t fight the itching in the back of his head. He couldn’t just throw them out, it - it would be a waste. He couldn’t be wasteful.
He shook his head, shutting the cabinet, setting the bottles of pills he did take on the cluttered counter.
Fandral sighed, he knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but hopefully it wouldn’t be impossible. He should’ve known they weren’t going to be making any enormous steps on the first night. Fandral had to remind himself, baby-steps.
He really should be proud, he was allowed past the door, and asked to stay the night, he guessed that was more than anyone else in this town had been given from the King in the last five years.
He watched Loki take his meds, counting in his head just how many he took of each one. Just so he would know for future reference. He noted the tape across each bottle, written in big black sharpie, ‘ANXIETY’, ‘DEPRESSION’, ‘INSOMNIA’, and ‘VOICES’.
Loki noticed him reading, and he coughed, clearing his throat awkwardly, “Val - Valkyrie wrote that. She - she thought it was funny.” Fandral smiled slightly, looking up at him, “I - I don’t hear voices. I’m not that crazy.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy, Loki.” Fandral said gently.
“Really?” Loki said, almost like he was amused, “Most people would.”
Fandral shrugged, “Most people haven’t been what you’ve been through.”
That seemed to catch him off guard. He seemed a little surprised, but did a good job at holding it in. Loki nodded, fidgeting with his hands as he walked towards the door. Fandral stepped out of the way, letting Loki shuffle back down the messy hall. Fandral glanced towards the closed bedroom door.
“Do you not want to sleep in your bed? I - I can sleep on the couch.”
Loki turned around, his hands still wrapped around the hem of his shirt. “I - I don’t go in there much. It’s - clean. If you want to sleep in there.” He turned back around, heading towards the living room.
Loki seemed surprised when he felt the couch dip beside him.
“Is it okay if I sleep out here with you?” Fandral asked.
Loki only nodded, knowing his voice would crack if he tried to speak. He hoped his face wasn’t burning as bright as it felt. It was so embarrassing to be blushing at his age.
They sat there for a while in silence, letting the fire die out and the cartoon on tv be the only sound of muffled voices.
Eventually, Loki held his breath and closed his eyes tightly. He was about to become ten times more pathetic than he had been all night.
“Fandral,” He said under his breath.
“Yeah?” He sounded tired.
“Would… Would you hold me?” Loki couldn’t look at him while he asked, he just continued to squeeze his eyes shut. That way he wouldn’t be able to see the flash of disgust twist Fandral’s usual sweet features. Before the blonde could answer, Loki added, “I - I understand if you wouldn’t. I - I know you’re only here to make sure I don’t kill myself -”
“That’s not why I’m here, Loki.” Fandral corrected him, “Of course I’ll hold you.”
“Are you sure?” Loki let his eyes creep up at him, his curiosity overtaking his better judgement. “I - I know I smell. It can’t be pleasant.”
Fandral laughed, and for a second Loki’s heart sank. He forgot what it felt like to have people laugh at him, it was a feeling he didn’t want to remember. But Fandral’s hand landing on Loki’s shoulder once more and his warm smile made the moment enjoyable rather than humiliating.
“Trust me, I’ve smelled worse. You forgot I had to share a tent with Thor on the battlefield for weeks at a time.”
Loki let himself smile, it felt weird, but he thought he was doing it right. It had been a while.
“Come here.” Fandral opened his arm, letting Loki slide into his side. Loki was hesitant to touch him back, but eventually let his arm glide over Fandral’s belly, his head resting on his chest.
Loki had had trouble sleeping since he was a kid. Whether it be nights full of nightmares, or restless thoughts - his mind always had a knack for keeping him awake in the worst of times. But tonight, he didn’t have any problem at all. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He could smell Fandral’s cologne, and laundry detergent, it was refreshing considering he was so used to the putrid smells of his small home.
He would have to apologize to Fandral in the morning for enduring this. He was much stronger than most.
But for now, he allowed himself to drift off to sleep, in the arms of someone he loved for the first time in years.
***