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Neil was tired. Exhausted, even. He and Todd had spent the past two days away at his parents’ house in Vermont since his mother was adamant that they visited before Christmas and had been forced to sit through his father’s incessant blabbing about how ‘acting isn’t a professional job’ and how Neil ‘should’ve listened to his father about becoming a doctor’, and ‘look how much you’ve upset your mother.’ Of course, his mother had remained tranquil throughout the whole of the conversation.
But now they were going home for Christmas. Neil watched the rain patter against the windshield while Todd drove them both through the darkness, but even the softening environment didnt stop those anxious thoughts from biting, gnawing and scratching at Neil’s brain like some fierce, predatory animal that had been starved for days.
“What’s on your mind, love?” Todd asked, as if a psychic. He knew him too well.
“I’m just thinking about my father again.”
Todd helplessly looked at Neil for a split second. Whenever Neil thought about his family, Todd always seemed so fearful. Maybe it was all a result of their junior year at Welton, a result of the aftermath of the play. Neil knew Todd didn’t like to think about the time where he’d almost lost him for good, but his parents are his parents, and even if he and his father weren’t on the best of terms, his relationship with his mother was still important to him.
“Neil,” Todd began firmly, “you don’t deserve to have to put on a show strictly for your father, and to pretend it’s righteous to feel guilty for the things you love.” Neil could hear the wobble in Todd’s voice, the wavering volume. He cared so much; too much. And it meant the whole world and more.
“Todd, you really don’t need to worry about me. It’s okay…”
“But you’ve put so much effort into pleasing your father and too little into pleasing yourself.” He sighed, Neil could see the sorrow on his face. “I just- I really wish he would be more of a dad than a father to you.”
“Me too…” Neil huffed out. “…but I don’t act on what he says to one bit. Of course, his words echo over and over again in my head, but I’ll never want to do what he asks of me. I love being myself, my own version of his son. I love acting, I love living in New York with you. And God, I love you, more than anything else on the planet. But I’ve never loved being my father’s son. And I don’t think I ever will.”
Todd’s breath hitched for a second, before he said “I’m so sorry you’ve had to live like this, honey…”
“I don’t have to anymore.” Neil spoke softly, Todd smiling at him weakly for a second before turning his gaze back towards the road. “I have you.”
“You have me.” Todd echoed, taking Neil’s hand and placing it under his on the gear shift. “You have me, and Charlie, and all the other poets. And you have the theater and our apartment and poetry and acting.”
“I have everything I need, then.”
“I love you so much.” Todd breathed out quietly after a little while. Never had five words felt so warm.
“I love you more.” He returned, and he meant each and every word. There would never be anybody more dear to him than Todd.