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It wasn’t painful. It was fast, it was almost feeling sleepy and slowly fading away. At the beginning there was darkness and suddenly a small ray of light appeared, not blinding but comforting.
—Why did it take you so long? I was starting to get bored.
—Phil?— Dan was a little bit confused, he was dreaming with Phil of 38 years, his blond hair of that time and the horrendous “rodent boy summer” t-shirt. It was plain blank space very similar to the YouTube set where he recorded the “Gay and not proud” video.
—No, Boris Johnson. Did you lose your vision in the tunnel? Yes, it's Phil.
—What? I’m not understand anything about this. I must be dreaming, having a nightmare to be precise, because there’s no way that you’re here… you are dead.— The pause before pronouncing those words was painful, the dark humor façade falling to pieces.
—And so are you, welcome to the afterlife, I was waiting for you.
Oh.
—Were you waiting for me to go to hell?
—No, dummy, as I said to you eternity ago; we were supposed to torment people together when we both died. And I already have a long list of people that we should visit.
—Are you being serious?
—Yeah.
—Oh Lord…
☽˚.⋆.𖥔 ݁ ˖ 𔓎⭑𓍯𓂃
Their first victim was a poor Phannie. Of course it had to be a fan of theirs.
The poor creature was playing with their cat, when suddenly the cat started meowing in such despair and fear like acknowledging a presence inside the house. Phil already knew everyone could hear them inevitably, the only thing they could control was being visible and tangible or not. So they had to be very well connected and only make gestures: first Phil ordered Dan to knock the 2024 calendar that he didn’t even understand why it was hanging if that had been decades ago and the dates didn’t even match. With the first movement the impression wasn’t too surprising, they were probably thinking it was the wind. So Dan decided to step up the game, he made three specific books fall from the shelf: The Amazing Book It’s Not On Fire, You Will Get Through This Night and a copy of a physical fanzine. He hoped the actions were a clear statement.
—Am I going crazy. — They said between the teeth
—No.— Dan and Phil answered in unison.
—What…
—It’s Phillip… I’m stuck in a weird astral plane and I can’t go to heaven until you set my soul free.
Disbelief was etched on the person's face. Dan watched as the person quickly lit a candle and took out a Chinese amulet.
—I set your soul free, you do not belong here, follow the light and leave my house.— That last part was more screamed than said.
—Ouch, that was rude and that isn’t how it works.
—You have to perform the chorus of Terrible if you want us to leave… — Dan was forcing his voice to be deeper and not that recognizable.
—Wait… — Realization settled in their face, it was not a random spirit called Phillip by mere coincidence. It was Phil Lester and the other voice must have been Dan Howell; their favourite youtubers.— There’s no way that you are.
—Yes, we are, and didn't say that we didn’t tell you so because I started it very clear on a video on what was that? 2026? 2025?— Phil was trying to pinpoint the year of that Patreon video, his way to go back in time was to think which hair he had at that moment.
—Do I really have to perform the chorus of Terrible.
—Yes, please. — Dan answered playfully, he had a plan.
—T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E, say it to my face, you want to influence me. Content, consume; You said It's crazy…
Dan started materializing, Phil had taught him before starting their quest of haunting people. How to be visible and the return to invisible, how to materialize.
—But I-D-G-A-F because it saved me.— Dan intervened and in that exact moment the person passed out; maybe it was too much.
—Oh fuck.— Phil reacted
—So it only took you an afterlife to start caressly dropping f bombs.
—You know I cursed a lot, Howell. But when were only us in the phouse.
—Do you think it's time to run away? I checked their vitals and everything is fine, they probably passed but they could recover consciousness in any second.
—Okay, let's go. — Phil said and started walking casually.
—Wait, can’t we float or teletransport? I thought being a ghost would be cooler.
—We could but we have to leave behind every earthly load.— In that second Phil started floating, with his smile it kinda looked like the Cheshire cat.
—How?
—You’ll find your way, but for the moment let’s walk.— Phil touched the ground again and took Dan by the hand to drag him to the outside.
☽˚.⋆.𖥔 ݁ ˖ 𔓎⭑𓍯𓂃
The walk was leading them to the BBC radio studio. It was impossible to remain silent; they had a lot to catch up on after several months apart. Dan also had many questions, some of which Phil chose to answer sarcastically or by changing the subject; others he decided to address honestly, such as the passage of time, and the fact that every time he was allowed to go to earth he immediately used his time to go to check Dan, being careful not to be discovered or he would lose the opportunity to come again. Phil was leaving a complex version of Orpheus’ journey.
—So, how was it?— Phil finally dared to ask.
—What?
—You know…— Phil was gesturing, avoiding to say the word and that was making the question even more ambiguous. Was he asking about how life was after he did? Horrible, Dan felt so lonely, he didn’t want to admit it but he may have died from missing Phil. Was he asking the exact moment of his death? Pretty chill, he didn’t even realize he was dying.— The moment.
—Oh, I felt nothing except confusion when I arrived to… —Dan stopped as he realized he didn’t quite understand where they were before.
—Oh it’s a place, like a waiting room. I met other people there, they were also waiting for a loved one. But it was strange, time doesn’t work the same so for me it was like an eternity, but Betty said it had only been a couple minutes before her wife arrived.
—Maybe her wife died two minutes after her.— Dan rationalized, perhaps he wasn’t able to leave that habit on earth.
—Nop, Chelsea, Betty’s wife, lived for another 10 years.
Not even death could erase the surprise Dan felt every time he remembered that Phil's love for him was real, intense, and symbiotic enough to alter his perception of the passage of time. Four months of separation translated into an eternity of yearning and sorrow. Another surprise was discovering that the feelings he aroused in her went beyond the body, beyond a chemical reaction or a couple of stray heartbeats. Because he was feeling the same thing, but he no longer had a body; so, to his dismay, he had no choice but to understand that it was something related to a connection of the soul.
When they arrived at the BBC radio booth they noticed a lot of things that looked very different, the consoles were simplified, no longer featuring as many confusing and dangerous buttons as they did back when Phil turned off the radio for a minute. The style was more modern, with no traces of old traditions remaining. And mainly, it wasn't the same people who used to accompany them anymore, they were all new faces; and of course Dan and Phil were aware of this. They kept in touch with some of them long after the programme ended, attended some of their funerals, and others were simply forgotten.
And there they were, once again, after death, retracing the steps that had shaped them.
Going to the studio had been Dan's idea, Phil was afraid of following that idea because it was massive and he feared that they could get a divine punishment. Dan wanted to take control of the microphones for a minute, just a minute; but Phil, from all the people, knew how long was a minute on the radio.
—I don’t think it's a good idea to do that, people could think that it's a terrorist menace or something like that. And look, the other day we made that fan pass out because you decided to manifest physically.
—The other day? But that was just a couple hours ago.
—I’m flattered that you feel like only hours have passed but it has been days; believe me.
—But how? — Dan was getting dizzy and he even wasn’t aware that without a body he was still able to feel those early sensations.
—I have counted the moons and suns that we have seen together since you arrived, and believe me, if it weren't for that, I too would have believed that only hours had passed.— Phil’s eyes were gleaming with love and something sinked inside Dan.
—Did you…— Dan was searching for strength to pronounce the words.— Did you also count the moon and suns before I died?
—I wasn’t able. That place is something beyond time and space, you are not aware of the world or the universe, you are just there existing. It is a corridor, an intersection where we are for as long as we want to be.
—You can either stay there waiting for someone or you can go directly to your reserved cloud.
—So funny, so fucking funny, Lester.— Inside Dan knew that he was afraid to go to hell and that he was enjoying his ghost time with Phil.— Well, I still want to take possession of the mics, so… You can either help or watch.
Dan looked at the console for a few seconds. Even with the buttons changed, everything was still very intuitive. He turned off the music, turned on one of the microphones, and began reciting random parts of his show We Are All Doomed, some mixed and changed as he did not remember everything precisely. Phil was trying to contain the laugh as he saw everyone in the booth freaking out and running from side to side trying to find how they were being hacked; but it was worse. This wasn’t a hacker work but a Daniel Howell the Ghost the Ghost; and apparently persistence wasn’t a trait that had died with Dan’s body. Phil decided to join in telling everyone how to water the plants correctly because they really needed the advice, everyday London was grayer and with less vegetation. It was funny to see how they tried every possible, but useless, method, and how it took them three minutes to realise that the only thing left to do was to disconnect the microphones from the power supply. First the microphone that Dan was using and a few seconds later the Phil’s one, but he had enough time to say one last thing.
—You should water correctly your plants or Dan is gonna come and haunt you forever, he didn’t even had mercy with me, that was his beloved.
Dan took Phil by his hand and dragged him, running like two children playing. When Dan turned his sight to Phil he saw him differently, it was 20-something Phil. It was weird. When he arrived at that strange waiting room, he was surprised to see 38-year-old Phil instead of 80-something Phil; but he guessed he begged God or the universe to let him manifest as his twink-rebirth-version
Dan was even more weirded out when suddenly saw his reflection in one of the glass doors in the corridor, he was changed too; a Dan with very straightened hair, a black t-shirt with a white circle in it. He felt afraid of seeing that young and broken boy, but something tender awakened inside him; some sort of compassion and forgiveness. In that moment, Dan felt his legs lighter, running faster and Phil laughing harder; for a second he felt like floating.
☽˚.⋆.𖥔 ݁ ˖ 𔓎⭑𓍯𓂃
Sitting on a bench, Dan looked back on this short or long stage. They had gone to their old flats in Manchester and London to scare the new residents, they had gone to visit PJ, afraid of giving him a heart attack, but they knew he was strong, they had scared people in the streets: night and day.
Dan didn't really feel much difference between the time of the living and that of the dead; after all, being with Phil had always been a blink of an eye. From immature youngsters to adults with important jobs, to renowned artists, owners of a house in their own style, to role models that millions followed, to elderly people ageing together. Even death couldn’t tear it apart.
For a second, Dan laid his head on Phil’s shoulder and he saw that the hand that held him was wrinkled and had a few sunspots. For a second Phil was that one that left him four months ago with a smile. In that exact moment Dan learnt that ghosts could cry, a tear was falling and before he could start sobbing louder Phil catched it on his hand, a droplet crystallized by touch.
—Phil, if there’s only two things you can do in that bright room: waiting or going to your eternal Destiny; how did you manage to come visit me?
—Granting miracles.— Phil smiled.
—What?
—Look.— Phil kissed Dan, it was the first kiss they had since Phil’s death. Dan felt desperate to taste Phil's lips again, one last time. Dan smiled while parting away from the kiss.— See, now you’re smiling, miracle granted. From time to time we were sent to aleatory locations with the sole mission of granting a miracle, to improve or brighten someone's life. With that we could win the permission to visit someone and check if they were okay without interfering or manifesting.
For Dan that concept was absolutely crazy, but he knew that Phil had probably enjoyed it a lot; he was a natural joy bringer. Even if there was no reward, Phil would always be happy to help. And now, he was wondering how many times had Phil visited him without him knowing.
☽˚.⋆.𖥔 ݁ ˖ 𔓎⭑𓍯𓂃
It was surprising that Asda still existed, in the same place, with the same traumas of getting up early and enduring a whole day of people breaking things in the supermarket, Karens shouting at him and a lot of exploitation for a miserable wage. Still, it felt right to go to his hometown. It had been ages since the last time he went.
—Are you buying supplies for the after life or what?
—No, I want to scare the mean customers a little bit.
After scouting the aisles, they found a man screaming at a young boy who was organising the shelves. In a way, he resembled Dan: he was gaunt, had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was overly styled, and you could tell he hated being there. Dan felt sympathy for him and quickly sketched a plan with Phil.
Dan climbed the rack quickly while Phil was forcing the man to make movements. Dan threw boxes of flour, but it looked like the man had pushed them over, and when the boxes fell, they swept away jars of preserves. The man couldn't understand what the hell was going on, but concern began to show on his face. The rule was very simple: if you break it, smash it, blow it up or open it, you have to pay for it. It was definitely going to cost the man a few pounds to have messed with the employee at such an inopportune moment, with two mischievous ghosts with a strong sense of justice around.
When the man tried to flee the supermarket, he was quickly apprehended. In his defence, he requested to review the CCTV footage. In the room were the shop manager, the security guard, the worker who was organising the shelves, the angry man and, of course, Dan and Phil, invisibly trying not to be noticed. After a lifetime working in front of the cameras, 100% were masters of optical illusions and knew how to make the angle work for them. In a fit of rage, the man paid for the damage, and Dan and Phil continued on their way, eating ice cream.
Dan had been thinking about what Phil had said for a while. In order to obtain the superpowers of a ghost, he had to let go of the burdens of the earthly world. And maybe, the first or last step was going to his old house. It was no longer the same; they had built a block of flats and the people who lived there were complete strangers. Dan decided to sit on the fire escape and think about that worried teenager. Many years ago, he had made peace with him and embraced him. That Daniel who had shaped Dan is not on fire was the Daniel who had given him the life he now had, or rather, had had.
—Boo.— Dan said out loud.
—That’s so cliché.
—Yeah, but when I was a teenager I didn’t believe in ghosts, and now look at me turned into one.
Phil laughed and patted Dan’s back, he knew he was facing the last goodbye of the fragments that had shaped his life.
—A ghost that soon will go to hell.
—What?— Phil looked genuinely confused.
—Yeah, after we are done with the haunting people thing we will have to go to hell, no?
—No, you spoon. Of course not. We are going to our private cloud.
Dan wasn’t sure if he should laugh at the joke or not.
—I’m not joking. Daniel, are you really thinking we are going to hell?
—Yeah?— Dan had accepted that fact for a long time: he was gay, a blasphemer, and a whole host of other self-imposed sins. Until the last moment of his life, and even now, he still found it difficult to let go of that idea. How little Dan understood divine matters. How little he realised how he himself had built his paradise.
—You are actually dumb.
Phil hugged him tightly and looked towards the sky, and before he could protest they were back at the very bright white room. They floated or teletransported, Dan wasn’t able to tell which one had been. But definitely he now had acquired the ghost Powers. He was slowly letting his heavy remorses on earth.
—Wait, what? Why are we here again.
—To take the next step.
—No, no, can’t we linger a little bit more on the earth, I promise to not make any more massive hauntings. I’m not ready to burn.
—Told you so, now you owe me two visits to earth.— Phil said to some presence, incorporated and intangible, but definitely real. And now Dan was more lost than ever.
—Go burn, kid.— Those were the last words before the sensation of something or someone else being on the room disappeared leaving two little jars, one contained a purple liquid and had golden letters “Phillip Michael Lester” and another one with a light brown beverage with his name on black letters “Daniel James Howell”
Phil removed the small cork from the bottle and waited for Dan to do the same before taking his hand.
—For us, forever.— Phil made a gesture of having a toast. Dan took a deep breath, a little bit scared.
—For us, enduring everything together forever.
Both of them drank the beverage, it was like a Ribena and a Caramel Macchiato but better, it had a heavenly taste, the real umami. Both of them started feeling embraced by a sleepiness. Silence. Pure silence. When Dan opened his eyes they were in a warm place with dim lights and his head was on Phil’s legs while he played with his curls. It felt like home, like paradise; there was no hell.
—We are we?— Dan wasn’t afraid, not anymore.
—Our personal heaven.— Phil was so relaxed.
—A cloud?
—Something like that.— Phil laughed.
—It will be forever like this.
—No, we will travel from time to time to the earth and help to grant some miracles.
—But we will be together.
—Yes, together haunting and granting, forever.
—By the way, what was that moment when you said you'd won two trips to earth?
—Oh, I bet you still don't believe you deserve heaven.
Phil kissed Dan who finally understood that they could create heaven everywhere they go, together.