Archive of Our Own ^beta

All of the Whitaker’s would be at the farm in Nebraska in under a month. Thanksgiving had come and gone last week and that would’ve been an affair not for the extended family but for individual families. They switch off every year which holiday will get everyone gathered together. The kids would be running around trying to find where grandma and grandpa hid the presents; the men would be helping their father with farm work he could no longer do himself; and the women would be helping their mother-in-law with cooking the meals.

The presents would be hidden in the attic in the small room behind empty boxes labeled “fragile”. Dennis had found it one year and his father threatened to lock him up with them if he ever told his brothers. Farm work would take up until Christmas Eve and Dennis had learned the hard way not to try getting out of it. He’d faked being sick and had been forced to stay up the night after to watch the cows even though they didn’t need an eye kept on them. He still had to do all of his chores the next day. The meals cooked were ones Dennis knew by heart. His mother had wanted a girl.

With Christmas coming up for his second time in the Pitt, Dennis would have to figure out a new lie. Last year it was easy. He couldn’t just leave the state while at the tail end of medical school; winter break be damned. He’d gotten the apartment to himself, too. Trinity’s family insisted she be there for at least one holiday. They used it as a bartering chip for all the money they kept sending her way. It felt weird to Dennis, but she shrugged and said all families were complicated.

Dennis knew how complicated family could be. His only interactions with his came from an email every once in a blue moon. Even then, they were often from his brothers, not from his parents. The times he did get emails from his parents were due to asking if he’d come back to the fold. Dennis never had a real answer for them.

Theology had been something Dennis wanted to go into. However, the more he learned while outside of Nebraska, the more he couldn’t reconcile what he learned at home with what he learned in Pittsburgh. At home he learned man and woman had distinct roles. In Pittsburgh, he saw those roles flipped. At home he learned man and woman were made for each other. In Pittsburgh he learned the word “bisexual”. In Pittsburgh he found a community. In Pittsburgh his faith got chipped at and fractured before it broke. In Pittsburgh Dennis found a knack for medicine.

After he got his theology degree, Dennis went back to the farm. There were no mentions of the colleges he applied to and the loans and scholarships he found. At the end of July, he told his parents. He started slow and pulled up the college website. They both leaned over his shoulder as he showed them the classes offered and the student housing. A few laughs later about how ridiculous it would be to leave Nebraska again, Dennis came out with it. He’d applied, gotten in, and had the money for it. Exorbitant amounts of debt, but he would be going. Then he told them about the community he found and it had all gone downhill from there.

It didn’t count as being kicked out, Dennis didn’t think. They grew cold and told him if he left, he wouldn’t have a home at the farm anymore. Dennis had expected it. He still cried in the middle of the night when everyone else slept. At least the house had grown empty with all his brothers being already married and having their own families.

When he left the farm, almost all contact stopped. Dennis got a text a month in saying they’d taken him off their insurance. That had been expected. The rest of their communication came through email. His brothers used it too, as if they’d all sat down and said “Dennis isn’t a member of the family anymore. This is the only way to talk to him.”

It hurt.

Dennis got over it.

Of course, he had the nagging in the back of his mind. There were questions left unanswered. Did they still talk about him to others? Were they posting about him like a lost sheep? How did they explain his absence? The blinking search bar on Facebook stared at him. It would be easy to check and see. Every year around the holidays, Dennis thought about it. Any other time during the year he could get by. Now, he knew the farm would be bustling with life in just a few weeks and Dennis wouldn’t be there. He wouldn’t even be mentioned.

The door to the break room opened and Dennis shoved his phone in his pocket. There weren’t many decorations in the Pitt yet. December started in two days, so they had time. At least they hadn’t started putting things up the day after Thanksgiving like Dennis had seen happening in stores across the city.

A paper floated to him and Dennis flicked his eyes over it. Secret Santa. Vaguely, he remembered there being talk of it when he’d been a med student. He hadn’t been expected to participate due to it, but he knew it was a sort of tradition. He looked up as Trinity pulled a seat out.

“Fill it out,” Trinity said. Dennis snorted as he finished his soup. The last time he celebrated Christmas had been his first year as a med student. It made him feel all too lonely so he stopped. He shook his head and stood to rinse out his bowl and shove it in his backpack. It should be kept in his locker, but the lounge had easier and faster access. A lot of nurses and doctors did it at the behest of Doctor Robby. Sometimes Dennis left his backpack there in front of him just to see if it would earn him Robby’s amused glare.

“Not happening, Trin,” Dennis said as he sat back down. He knew this would turn into a whole thing with her. Small things like this always did. She seemed to pick the fights at work because she knew he couldn’t run away. He also had a sneaking suspicion she did it due to the time constraints. Like it would make him fold easier. (It did, but she didn’t need to know.)

“Oh come on, Huckleberry!” Trinity complained. “You didn’t even participate in the department Thanksgiving potluck!”

“I helped you make the apple fritters!”

“The limit is fifty dollars—” Dennis snorted. With his college loans, fifty bucks could get him and Trinity groceries instead of a Christmas gift for someone he pulled out of a hat. “—And it’s mixed with night and day shift. It’ll be fun.”

No doubt it would be fun for everyone who participated. Dennis wouldn’t be one of those people. He would help decorate the Pitt and get a present for Trinity (he already had a few ideas), and that would be it. He didn’t see a reason to get all gung-ho about the holiday when it would end with him getting a mediocre gift from someone who didn’t even know him.

The form for secret Santa was base information. Most of it should barely count as a question to get to know someone. Besides, he was categorically a horrible gifter. It had been a joke in Broken Bow that if you got a gift from Dennis, it would be regifted within the next month.

Before Dennis could protest further, Trinity grabbed his pen from his notepad and wrote his name on the paper. He tried to snatch it away, but Trinity moved faster. She grinned at him and twirled the pen between her fingers.

“Now you have no choice.” she said. The light lilt to her voice made Dennis glare harder. He could throw the paper out once she was out of sight. Then he’d be free of this whole mess. Instead, he sighed and folded the paper.

“I’ll fill it out later,” he grumbled, “No promises on me actually putting it in, though.”

“Whatever you say, Huckleberry.”

There’s a lot of questions Dennis didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t have a favorite team for any sport and he didn’t know any of the restaurants around here. He could probably put a fast food place, but he’d also caught a glimpse of a few other forms and everyone had put down something a little nicer. Overthinking was Dennis’ specialty. There were things he could leave blank, but he didn’t want to leave whoever pulled him with vague answers. He clicked the pen in against his teeth as he thought.

“Get pulled into secret Santa?” Robby asked. Dennis glanced up and nodded. Typically, this would be when Robby would tell him to do it on his own time. Except Robby didn’t say anything else, so Dennis stood a little straighter.

“Santos wanted me to get in on it,” Dennis said. He left out the part where she hadn’t given him much of a choice. “Are you…?” Robby shook his head.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas.” Dennis nodded and mentally kicked himself. Of course Robby didn’t celebrate Christmas. He’d be celebrating Hanukkah. Those holidays sometimes overlapped, though Dennis didn’t know when Hanukkah started. It might be a good idea to check. Most of the decorations up were for Christmas. Robby hadn’t said anything about caring. “Well, I do. Just not like this. I know Jack’s joining in.”

Robby’s husband. That Jack. The Jack Dennis would talk to every once in a while between shift change; the Jack who offered him a beer on the bench despite Dennis refusing every time; the Jack Dennis shouldn’t be crushing on. One inappropriate work crush Dennis could handle. Two who were married to each other? Dennis should turn himself in to HR. He’d kept things professional, despite his attending always touching him. Not that Dennis minded. He liked the heavy hand. Jack didn’t always do the same. Sometimes he made comments Dennis thought might be an innuendo. He’d never call the older man out on it.

The other comment in the sentence hit Dennis. How did Robby celebrate Christmas? Probably with Jack. But Dennis wanted to know more. There were a flurry of questions in his head and he had to shove them all down and away. Robby did not want to hear Dennis asking what kinds of things he did with Jack at home with no one else there.

They both wore their bands on their chains—Robby’s with his Magen David and Jack’s with his dog tags. It made Dennis squirm, a little, to watch their interactions. He had a peek into their lives no one else seemed to have. There were rumors and some bets Dennis had seen. A few times, he thought about dipping his hand into them, but figured it would count as cheating since he knew half the answers already.

“I didn’t think he,” Dennis paused. That sentence could end in a plethora of ways. Maybe he’d been projecting to think Jack wasn’t a religious man. Definitely projecting about not celebrating the season. In his defense, Jack didn’t seem too thrilled during the rest of the holidays throughout the year.

“It’s one of the few times he gets excited for a holiday,” Robby explained, “If you manage to pull him, I can give you some pointers.”

“Thanks,” Dennis said, “I’ll, uh, let you know.” Robby went to say something else. The PA system beat him and they both looked up as they listened. The touch on his shoulder came with a familiar weight as Robby pulled him to the bay. Their conversation melted away as they went to work.

In the entirety of the ER the break room got the most decorations. It made sense—the rest of the department might cause problems if they put up too much there. A mini tree had been stuck in the corner. The lights on it gave a nice glow; not too harsh, soft on the eyes. There were gifts under it and Dennis didn’t want to check if they were real or not. Last year, he had no reason to focus on all the little things. There had been a chance he wouldn’t come back to the department so why bother? Now, he’s curious about the other traditions the department made.

There was colored paper and a sign asking people to turn them into snowflakes on the table and Dennis couldn’t refuse that tradition. He’d already clocked out and Trinity would be bothering Ellis for a while. He had the time to sit and fold them up. As a kid, him and his brothers would gather around the table and make snowflakes together. There were always more than enough snowflakes to hang up for the holidays.

“What’ve we got here?” Dennis looked up at the voice. He gave a smile to Jack as he walked in. Robby trailed after him, sentence dying on his tongue as he frowned at the table. It hadn’t been set up at the start of the shift and Dennis doubted Robby had been able to step foot in the lounge all day. Dennis held up his scissors.

“Snowflakes,” he said, “Trinity’s taking a while, so I thought I’d help out.” Jack hummed as he grabbed one of them from his little pile and unfolded it. He whistled at the sight and Dennis ducked his head. They weren’t anything special. Definitely not deserving of Jack’s impressed look and nod.

“These are good, Whitaker,” Jack said. Dennis shrugged as he cut another quick shape into the one in his hands. He didn’t bother opening it before adding it to his pile. The sound of a chair scraping made Dennis look up proper. Jack sat heavily in the chair next to him and grabbed a paper.

“How do you do this?” he asked. Dennis blinked at him and looked to Robby. Robby just stared at Jack with narrowed eyes and a tight jaw. Dennis didn’t know how to navigate this. Obviously Robby was upset with Jack for sitting with Dennis. Dennis couldn’t figure out why, but he knew what jealousy looked like. He’d had the expression on his face enough times and had seen it on plenty of others.

Dennis glanced between them as Jack hummed and switched his paper for a new color, either oblivious or intentionally ignoring Robby. When Robby caught Dennis’ gaze, he shrugged and gave a nod. Dennis swallowed and started showing Jack how to fold the paper and cut off the excess. Robby had to step into the break room in order to let a few nurses and doctors collect their things. There were a few muttered apologies when they realized it was Robby at the door.

Both pairs of eyes watched Dennis as he worked. Jack did his best to follow along the cuts he made and Dennis made sure they were simplistic. He liked making snowflakes a little more ornate, but with Jack following, he wanted to make sure the man could understand what Dennis was doing.

“Don’t cut too far,” Dennis warned as he watched Jack almost cut his in half, “If you do that, it’ll fall apart.”

“Good to know,” Jack muttered. A few more cuts and he opened his snowflake to reveal the pattern. He grinned at Robby through the cuts. “What d’you think, dear?”

“I think there’s still a patient waiting in south sixteen for wound redressing,” Robby said. There was a hint of amusement in his tone. There weren’t any lines in his face from scowling. Dennis counted it as a win. No more jealous Robby meant Dennis’ heart rate returned to normal. Well, as normal as it could be while alone in a room with the two men.

“You’re no fun,” Jack clicked his tongue.

“You’re on the clock.”

“Mhm.” Jack stood from the chair as he folded his snowflake back up. He tossed it with Dennis’ small pile and walked out of the break room. Robby chuckled as he watched him go. Dennis ducked his head to try and hide his blush. He grabbed another paper and started folding it.

“Mind showing me?” Robby asked. He sat in the chair across from him. Dennis nodded and unfolded what he did. Robby’s eyes were trained on his hands as he folded again, slow so it would be easy to follow. They didn’t talk as much. It made sense: Robby would’ve listened to what he told Jack.

Every once in a while, someone else came in, grabbed the stuff and left or made a little small talk. A few came in to drop off their stuff and didn’t even spare them a glance. Dennis couldn’t blame them, he heard some of the weird shit night shift got. Part of him wondered if the slower pace was worth the odder cases. He didn’t think he’d be able to do it.

Just being in Robby’s presence while the ER kept moving around them was nice. The pressure to talk had lifted. They didn’t have cases to report and discuss. There was no reason to go over what Dennis could have done better during the day. All of those conversations already took place. Dennis glanced up to watch Robby as he cut a few more spaces into his snowflake. The concentrated look on his face made him bite his tongue to stifle a giggle. It must have slipped through because the next second, Robby’s eyes met his own.

“What?” he asked. Dennis shook his head and looked back at his snowflake.

“Nothing,” he said, “Sorry, you just have the same look when you’re doing a difficult intubation.”

“I’m focused.”

“For a paper snowflake. That’s pink.” Robby stared at the paper in his hands for a second.

“Why do they have pink?” Dennis outright laughed at the question. “Seriously, it’s not even a Christmas color.” It took effort to come down from his laughing fit, bent over the table and sucking in breaths when he could. The complete confusion in Robby’s voice made him want to keep laughing. When he looked up and saw a look on Robby’s face akin to fondness, he managed to keep it down to a few giggles. Robby shouldn’t be looking at him like that. It should be a look saved for someone Robby actually knew well. Not his first year resident who had too many weird domestic fantasies about him.

“I think the fact that some are yellow should raise more concerns,” Dennis said. Only a few people had chosen the color to make snowflakes out of. Still too many. Robby winced and nodded.

“Poor choice,” he said. Dennis nodded. He set his snowflake in the pile and cracked his fingers. It had been a while since he sat down. He tried to get a glimpse of Trinity through the door and over Robby’s shoulder. It was a little hard when he could tell Robby was staring right at him, not bothering with his snowflake anymore.

There were times like this more often than Dennis could count. He didn’t know if it happened with anyone else where Robby looked. He was never so blatant, though. Never when Dennis was right in front of Robby. It happened when Dennis wouldn’t be looking. The gaze always made Dennis’ hair stand on end. Growing up with so many brother’s made one adept at knowing when someone was hiding and watching. If he didn’t, Dennis would’ve ended up with more bruises and scars than he already had as a kid.

Hair on end due to Robby had a different feel. Still heavy, but gentle and kind. Not the type where Dennis tensed, ready to flinch or run. The type where Dennis wanted to meet his gaze and see what would happen. He wanted to know how Robby looked when he was watching Dennis. If his eyes had the same softness they held for Jack.

Probably not. Definitely not. Dennis took all those thoughts and pushed them away. Those were thoughts better saved for when he was alone and trying to sleep. Being alone with those thoughts was better than thinking them now. If he had them while alone, it made them less of a sin. In front of the man of his affections? Dennis refused. He got saved by Trinity finally walking into the break room.

“What’s taking you so long, Huckleberry?” she said. “I’m waiting on you.” Dennis rolled his eyes and tossed his last snowflake into the pile. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and gave Robby a quick goodbye as he followed Trinity.

“Hang on,” Dennis said. He pulled out the folded out form and hesitated at the hub. Before he could worry himself further about the choice, he dropped it in. Somehow, it made a weight lift off his shoulders. He’d been alone for the last several Christmases. It would be a good thing to celebrate with others.

Three days later people could start pulling from the box. Dennis had waited, intentionally, before he pulled a name. He wanted the names to get lower before he tried to pick anyone. It also helped his nerves. A lot of them were screaming about how he’d made a mistake and whoever he pulled would get the short end of the stick. It took a lot to quell that anxiety. Even if he didn’t get them something great, it was about celebrating spending time with the people you love. And there wouldn’t be any hard feelings. If he got someone on the night shift, at least he could use the excuse they didn’t interact much if it was truly shitty.

Of course, when he pulled the name, Jack and Robby were discussing shift change a few feet away. Not unusual, but Dennis had been watching Robby. Not in the way he usually did when he liked to look, in much the same way Robby did (although, Dennis’ gaze held different connotations, he was sure), but to see how he felt about all the Christmas decorations. There weren’t any signs of him being uncomfortable. Dennis had caught Robby’s eyes flicking to the larger table in the break room. It was shoved up against the wall and made from dark wood. There weren’t any chairs around it, more a snack table than anything else. Whenever Robby passed it, he seemed to be checking for something.

Nativities covered the table, but Robby never looked at them. It hit Dennis, at some point, that Robby might be looking for a menorah. It would make sense, with all the other decorations everyone set up there. Maybe there was something Dennis could do about that. Robby didn’t seem keen on the idea of bringing one in. At least, he hadn’t mentioned it and no one else had either.

The crinkling of the paper in his hands made Dennis second guess everything. As he unfolded it, he wondered just how bad of a gift he’d get the person he chose. He knew this had been a bad idea. Maybe he could force Trinity to help him get something for whoever was unlucky enough to be on the receiving end. Part of him hoped he’d pulled his own name. Then he could pretend this never happened and continue on with his uncelebration of Christmas.

Jack Abbot.

Someone should shoot him now. There was no way Dennis would be able to get something good enough for that man. It wasn’t that Jack was a closed off person or someone that was hard to get to know. The man liked talking and could hold conversations well. It just meant Dennis would probably have to take up Robby on his offer of help. Looking over the sheet, it seemed alright. There were basic answers and Dennis snorted at the “ash-gray” in the “favorite color” line. It fit him. However, Dennis wanted to get an actually thoughtful gift. Something in-line with what Dennis already had for Robby.

It wasn’t a Christmas gift. Really, just the outline of an idea due to all those glances at the nativities and table.

A few weeks into living in Pittsburgh, Dennis had met a man named Wilfred Winter who grew pine trees. Most of them were for Christmas time, but he had land left for people or companies to purchase throughout the year. The times he had some left over, Dennis would be able to trade a few hours of work to earn it.

Dennis had learned wood carving from his father. It had helped him learn patience and how to keep a steady hand. He learned control from it. Different types of wood had different qualities and the pine the man grew was softer. It was easier for quick projects, which was nice because Dennis had barely managed to leave Broken Bow with his set of tools. Plus the fact he had to keep his woodcarving to the balcony with the curtains drawn. He didn’t like the idea of people watching him while he worked and it was far too messy to do inside. At least Trinity never asked him what he was doing out there. It had been harder to get wood recently, but Dennis knew if he spent his weekend with Wilfred he’d earn it.

Bears were tacked under the favorite animal line, and Dennis churned a few ideas over. There was no specification for what kind of bear, which was fine. Dennis could carve a bear easy. If he really wanted to, he could carve three for the most popular.

“Who’d you get?” Dennis nearly jumped at the voice of the man’s name he’d just been staring at. The light chuckle from Jack told Dennis he hadn’t hidden his reaction entirely. He folded the paper and caught Robby’s eyes over Jack’s shoulder. The look on his attendings face and slight nod from the man was all Dennis needed to know he knew. Dennis looked back to Jack with a smile and shrugged.

“Doesn’t that ruin the whole idea of the secret Santa?” he said. Jack shook his head with a smile.

“One of those people, huh?” he asked.

“Just keeping in the spirit, Doctor Abbot. I should go. Trinity’s waiting. See you tomorrow, Robby.” Dennis could feel their gazes on him as he left. He didn’t dare to look over his shoulder and check.

The menorah took him a little longer than expected. There was less time for him to sit on the balcony and with the weather, his fingers got cold faster. Plus, Trinity had a million things she wanted to do for the season. Dennis had managed to escape for one of his days off to meet with Wilfred and help a few families cut their trees down and get a few blocks of wood. He’d let Wilfred know his plan between trees and Wilfred had clapped him on the back. He didn’t talk much and reminded Dennis of his father. It ached worse with the holidays being close.

The candle holders weren’t as even as Dennis wanted them to be, but they were close enough. He’d done some research and there was a kosher way to make a menorah. Dennis didn’t plan on this being thirty feet tall, so he figured it would be forgiven. The candles also weren’t going to be real. Fire safety and all that meant no open flames. Even if they couldn’t have fire, at least it could bring some familiarity. Dennis had managed to buy a few electric candles, just in case.

Being out in the dark and cold meant Dennis had to work harder to focus. It helped him keep his mind away from the emails his brother’s had sent him. The holiday’s always pushed them to send him a few more. It pushed Dennis further into their lives and what they were doing. Still, he never took that last step to find them on social media. He would send them responses to their emails, but he almost never got any back. They were just life updates. One of his nieces had taken to the runt of a litter and Dennis’ dad was letting her take care of the thing. That had never been an option for Dennis.

Sirens pulled him from the thought before it could spiral. Dennis looked up, his breath turning white in front of him. The hospital stayed churning, even with Dennis lost to the world. It hadn’t been long, but Dennis didn’t want to go to his and Trinity’s place. For whatever reason, the idea made his stomach churn. Tonight, he wanted to be without the worry of existing with someone else.

Dennis stared down at the menorah. How long had he been out? He couldn’t remember and he didn’t want to bother pulling out his phone to check. At least he didn’t feel cold yet. His fingers, yes. The rest of him stayed bundled in the coat, scarf, and beanie Trinity had bought for him last year. The mittens kept everything but his fingers covered. He’d pulled back the top specifically to keep carving.

There were footfalls approaching and Dennis tucked himself in smaller and pulled the menorah closer. If he seemed unassuming the person would carry on without even stopping to say hi. Instead, they sat down on the bench with Dennis. He stiffened and shuffled further away.

“Just me,” he said. Dennis looked up and relaxed at the sight of Jack. “You’ll get frostbite.”

“Nah,” Dennis said as he looked back at the menorah and continued on the tallest arm, “There’s no wind tonight and it’s like forty.”

“Still cold.”

“I’m used to it.” Dennis narrowed his eyes and turned the wood over. It should only take a few more strokes and then he’d be ready to sand. Hanukkah started soon and Dennis wanted it ready before then. At least that way Robby could have the comfort at work before the holiday started.

“Didn’t know you carved,” Jack said. Dennis shrugged, happy for the change of topic. There were times in Nebraska he’d been out past midnight carving and he’d come closer to frostbite during those days than he ever had while in Pittsburgh. He liked the snow here. It brought him comfort.

“My pa taught me,” he said, “I haven’t been able to do it much.”

“It’s pretty.”

“I messed it up.” Dennis flipped the menorah over and held it between them. Jack raised his brow at Dennis until he pointed out the mistakes. In the dark, they were hard to see. He hoped they’d be less noticeable when he sanded it down, but he would still see them.

“Whitaker, I can’t tell what you’re pointing at,” Jack said. Dennis rolled his eyes and pulled the wood back.

“Shouldn’t you be working?” he asked.

“Shen’s got it.” A small smile flit over Dennis’ face as he shook his head at the response. The thought of Jack abandoning the ED to sit with him made lightning shoot down his spine. Somehow, Jack had seen Dennis and wanted to come out and check on him.

Then again, Jack probably hadn’t even been able to tell it was him. Maybe he’d just seen someone on the bench for too long and went to check. Maybe he’d just wanted some air and Dennis was in his spot.

They sat in silence for a while as Dennis went back to carving. In most quiet, Dennis had a need to fill the air. Like it was too heavy for anything else. This quiet didn't have those expectations. It didn’t weigh on him and he felt no reason to try and keep up conversation. It was comfortable in a way silence never felt for him.

There were less times Dennis felt his crush overtaking the situations around Jack and Robby. Instead of his heart rate increasing to abnormal amounts, it skipped a beat or two and went back to normal. At first, he thought it meant he was getting over them. Soon the crushes would be nothing but something in his rear view. Instead, it turned into something else. Dennis wouldn’t call it love, but a cousin to the emotion; whatever it was. He felt at peace with them in a way he didn’t with anyone else (except for Trinity). Their presence may still be a bit bad for his heart when teamed up, but he didn’t hold the same nervousness anymore.

Too caught up in his thought process, Dennis lost focus. The cold made it harder for him to tell how much pressure he was using and his hand slipped and—

“Shit,” Dennis dropped the knife. Blood pooled along his forefinger and he set the menorah on his lap so it didn’t drip onto the wood. He didn’t think as he brought the wound to his mouth to suck at it. When he pulled it out, he could tell the cut wasn’t deep.

“Let me see,” Jack said with a sigh. Not disappointment. It sounded like worry. Before Dennis could protest, Jack closed the distance between them. Hip to thigh and thigh to knee. Dennis stared at the point of contact as Jack took his hand in both of his own and leaned down to look at the wound.

Jack was warm. Dennis already knew this, the man acted like a furnace. It was one thing to know it and another to experience it. Not only did the leg pressed against Jack’s heat up, but so did Dennis’ hand. Jack’s hands enveloped his as he turned the finger this way and that to inspect the cut. Dennis blinked hard to keep from leaning into the man.

“Sharp knife,” Jack said. His words came out in a billow of air Dennis could see as it wafted against his finger. “We should get you some butterflies.”

“No, it’s fine,” Dennis cleared his throat when his voice croaked, “I have a million scars from this kind of thing. See?” He lifted his other hand to show Jack. It only made the man wince. Jack dropped Dennis’ hand and reached over (between Dennis’ fucking legs) to grab the knife he dropped.

“Doctor’s orders.” Jack stood and started walking off before Dennis could argue further. And Dennis had to follow because the man took his knife. Dennis grumbled to himself as he hid the menorah away in his bag and begrudgingly followed after Jack.

A few people looked up as they walked in and Dennis recognized some of them. Dennis stuck his finger in his mouth again as blood dripped down it. He made a face at the taste. Dennis assumed they’d just go to the break room and take care of it there, but Jack led him to an empty room.

“Quit doing that,” Jack said. He tugged at Dennis’ wrist to get him to pull his finger out. Dennis bit his tongue to keep from sticking it out at him. He missed the point of contact the moment it was gone.

There shouldn’t be any reason for Jack to do all this. He’d even shut the door behind them. It was a small cut, something Dennis had dealt with on his own dozens of times. The times he went to his father for help, he’d tell Dennis that his father made him learn on his own and all of his brother's had as well. Dennis knew how to take care of himself. The use of butterfly bandaids was overdoing it. He could have just gotten a bandaid from a nurses station and been fine.

Being alone with Jack in the hospital made Dennis squirm. This was uncharted territory. Out in the snow they had some common ground. They sat on the bench everyone else drank beers and had conversations on. Being alone with Jack here meant Dennis didn’t really know what to do or say. He just watched the older man’s back as he set the knife down and pulled out the butterflies, setting them down too so he could sanitize his hands and pull on gloves.

“Now you’re overdoing it,” Dennis said. Jack shrugged as he made his way to the bed.

“Can’t be too careful,” he said. The butterflies were set on a tray Jack pulled over. Then he grabbed Dennis’ hand again and pulled a wipe over the wound. Dennis flinched and the shushing sound that followed from Jack made him happy the cold still covered his face in a blush. Still Jack leaned in further and squinted at the wound. “Anything poking you?”

“What?” Dennis looked up at Jack at the same time the man did. They were awful close and Dennis tried to hold his breath. There was no chance it smelled good. Jack’s breath, however, ghosted across the bridge of his nose.

“Wanna make sure there’s no splinters,” Jack explained.

“Oh. No. Nothing. Uh, it’s all good.”

“Good.” Jack turned his head and Dennis couldn’t pull his gaze away from the side profile. Nor when Jack turned his focus back to Dennis’ finger. He probably should. It was creepy to stare at someone, but Dennis didn’t get much time to study Jack. He got to watch and stare at Robby all day. This was new. Dennis wanted, oddly, to commit every one of Jack’s curls to memory.

The man had steady fingers. He’d been steady during Pittfest. It had been easy to get drawn into him. Dennis liked being around steady people. Ever since he’d come out, his life had been one mess after the other and the familiarity of a man who knew what he was doing washed over Dennis.

Jack smoothed the butterflies in place and Dennis finally looked away. He stared at the wound as it closed with the pressure.

“Thanks,” Dennis said.

“No problem,” Jack said. He gave Dennis a pat on the shoulder. His hands weren’t as heavy or lingering as Robby’s. They were different in a few ways, but the two men were also a constant. A steady light in the sea of chaos. In any situation, Dennis knew he could turn to one of them and they’d know what to do.

Dennis really needed to stop thinking about them.

The knife glinted in his view. He smiled up at Jack as he took it and put it away. The menorah really did just need a few finishing touches. It had been stupid to work on it on the bench, but the idea of existing in his and Trinity’s place didn’t weigh as heavy anymore. Some of it had to do with Jack. He wouldn’t tell anyone that.

“Get home safe,” Jack said. He held the door open for Dennis.

“I will,” Dennis bit his cheek to keep the ‘sir’ engraved in him from his mother from slipping out. Instead, he gave another smile, a nod, and scurried away. At least he had something new to mull over and keep his thoughts away from the emails still sitting unanswered in his sent folder.

It took two days for Dennis to truly finish the menorah. In between the time he didn’t work on it, he carved smaller projects. One turned into a dreidel, another a small bear. He wanted to get a feel for what Jack’s present would be like. It let Dennis know he’d be carving the bears in an upright position. Carving one on all fours turned into too much of a hassle. It would be easier to get three done if they were standing upright.

Asking Trinity to leave for work earlier turned out to be a nightmare. She had a routine to follow and it was nearly timed to the second. Getting out of bed at her precise time meant she could get everything done and make it to work on time. Not a second earlier. Dennis had bribed her with whatever coffee she wanted.

There weren't enough people for the break room to be crowded when they got in. The nativities were rearranged and it left a little space where Dennis could place the menorah. It was probably left for another nativity, but Dennis didn’t care. He’d put work into this and Robby deserved it. It hadn’t taken long for him to notice.

“Do you know who set that up?” Robby asked Dana at the hub. Dennis tried not to act like he was eavesdropping. From his tone, Robby didn’t sound upset. That was good. It had been something that coiled in his gut after he started it. If it was truly a good idea. He got worried that hand making the menorah would be a step too far and weird Robby out. He also worried Jack would tell on him the night after they sat on the benches. Apparently not.

“No,” Dana said, “Heard a few people asking about it, though. Looks hand made. Want in on the betting pool?”

“You guys will bet on anything,” Robby groaned as he stood straight. Dennis couldn’t help the way his gaze dropped as Robby stretched, lifting his scrubs. It only gave him a view of the undershirt Robby wore. He still looked.

“Gotta keep things fun around here,” Dana said, “I got ten bucks on Whitaker.”

“Really?”

“Kids handy.” Dennis flicked his gaze away when he noticed Robby turning to look at him. He still felt the man’s gaze burning a hole in the side of his head. The conversation continued a little quieter and Dennis wandered off to help his patients. That’s where his energy should be expended.

Thinking about his married bosses caused him too many problems. Like overthinking Jack’s gift and staring at their empty hands while wondering if the men ever got a chance to wear their rings in public. That was something Dennis shouldn't be privvy to. He never would be privvy to the information, but he liked thinking about it. Most of the time. Other times, guilt creeped up his mind and wound around his brain. It was deserved. He needed the guilt because otherwise he’d be thinking worse things. He still thought worse things.

Dennis wanted to know about the domestic side of their lives. He wanted to worm his way there, somehow. Worse, he wanted to know what they were like during more intimate parts of their lives. How were they during sex? Dennis had thought about it every once in a while and shoved the images and ideas out of his mind. He shouldn’t be trying to imagine who topped who and what they were like when they wanted to be lazy. Those thoughts should be kept squared away in a neat box. When he’d lived in Broken Bow, thoughts like those were shoved down. Dennis could keep shoving. He’d been doing it since he got kicked out.

Living in Pittsburgh with all the new information and lessons that weren’t from the classroom made his head spin. The idea of being openly queer and safe didn’t calculate. Even though Trinity dragged him out to places for the community, he kept his sexuality locked away. He refused to tell even Trinity. As much as he knew coming out wouldn’t cause problems in any aspect of his life, the part of him that learned to be shameful of it took hold and dragged it deep down with a lid screwed on tight.

It aided in the growth of the guilt in Dennis’ chest. Never mind Robby and Jack were married (to each other, even), they were both men. Everything he’d been taught revolted so strongly against it, he hadn’t been allowed to spend any time with his family after they knew. In Broken Bow, if others knew, they’d be talking about him behind their hands. They’d be talking about his parents and how they must have failed him somehow for him to come out all wrong.

Having a sin be something that felt so right meant God had to be cruel. Dennis didn’t like the idea of a cruel God, though. His God should be kind—gentle and fatherly—even though all Dennis knew of a father was apathy over love. A quick swat to the head over a conversation of correction. If God existed, Dennis thought he would be more like the fire in his chest as it tried to burn away the guilt for every wrong thing he’d done. Dennis wanted a God who loved.

There were his patients to focus on. Some were like the God Dennis wanted to believe in. Others were as cruel as his father. Most were somewhere in the middle. Still, he could focus on them over everything else that vied for his attention. Even the heavy gaze of Doctor Robby as he asked him for advice on a case or presented his case to the man. Medicine gave clear answers. Medicine gave a distraction. The ebb and flow of the ER gave it twice over.

It helped him over the next few days. He kept most everything under wraps. There were a few conversations with Robby that made his skin tingle if only because the older man pulled him off to the side and kept his voice low for no particular reason. It made it a little hard to keep the menorah a secret. He wanted to burst and tell Robby that he’d made it, but the idea of coming clean made his nerves itch. If Jack hadn’t told Robby, there was no reason for Dennis to tell Robby.

By the time Hanukkah started, Dennis had a few more smaller things carved. Alongside the dreidel and bear, he’d carved a caduceus, Asclepius’ Rod, and a token with the Magen Star on one side and Robby’s astrological sign on the other. Dennis had never been into that kind of thing, but Trinity rambled about it all the time. He let it influence his options a little too much. He tried making latkes for the first day of Hanukkah and went into the PTMC early to drop them by the menorah with a note for Robby. Thank God his apparent “artistic abilities” meant his handwriting could be changed this way and that.

“No one saw anything?” Robby interrupted Dennis as he spoke with Dana just thirty minutes later.

“Saw what?” Dana asked. Dennis swiveled his head between the two. Before he could decide whether to leave or not, Robby’s hand landed just on his hip, guiding him to his side until it dropped. Dennis didn’t squeak, but his face burned red from the touch. He looked anywhere but Dana.

“The menorah,” Robby clarified, “Latkes. Someone made me latkes.”

“Got yourself a secret admirer?”

“Not funny, Dana.”

“I'm not laughing.” Dennis bit his tongue to keep from pointing out that she was grinning in the way she did right before she laughed. A heavy gaze landed on the side of his head. He already knew what he’d find when he decided to look up. Sure enough, Robby was staring at him expectantly.

“You got in early,” he asked.

“Yeah, I do that when I can’t sleep,” Dennis said. Robby’s eyes narrowed. “If I saw something, I’d probably let you know. Believe it or not, I’m not great at keeping secrets.” Dana did laugh then and it pulled both their attention. Being able to be a fake bad liar meant Dennis could get away with more. Even if it made his childhood more filled with guilt than anything else, Dennis knew how to get away with a few things. How to take a punishment for one thing so he could hide this other thing. Like when he kissed a few boys and took a beating for being out late. How to keep his gaze on the few girls he actually found attractive to get teased for being lustful in the right way.

“Kid, not great at keeping secrets is the understatement of the year,” Dana said. At least Dennis had something he could blame his blush on with that statement.

There were one and a half completed bears back at the apartment. They sort of stared at Dennis with disappointment because he couldn’t get the distinctions between the species quite right at their size and stance. The brown bear had the hunch and the black bear had larger ears. When he got to work on the polar bear, he’d made it taller than the bunch. It's the easiest distinction.

Dennis still felt like it wasn’t enough. Like it was missing something and he couldn't tell what. Maybe it was the lack of money put into it. The effort alone feels like a waste of time when he could be doing research on something Jack would appreciate a bit more. He bothered Robby about it on one of his shifts.

“What kind of things does Jack like?” Robby repeated the question. “Specific.”

“He only put bear down as his favorite animal,” Dennis said, “There’s eight species.”

“You’re thinking too hard, Whitaker.”

“And you said I could ask for help about his gift and here you are; being unhelpful.” Robby raised his brows at him and Dennis crossed his arms. It pulled a chuckle out of Robby. An amused one, like the stern look on Dennis’ face was adorable and not serious.

Apparently, Jack liked homemade things. He also liked doing things on his own, half-finished projects littered their home. Dennis desperately wanted to know what that looked like. Jack said he’d get around to them and he did, it just took a while. Robby had taken to picking out things that only needed a little extra work. He said even a coloring book counted to Jack.

Good thing Dennis hadn’t decided whether to paint the bears or leave them plain.

By the third day of Hanukkah Robby kept a look out. It made it harder for Dennis to sneak in and leave the little presents. He made sure the bear would be last. That last day of Hanukkah coincided with when secret Santa’s were due. At least then the secret would be out.

It took until the fourth day, the Rod, for him to run into Jack again. It had been nice, some small talk that Jack actually seemed interested in. Not in the bullshit way doctor’s did but in the way that he leaned in close, like Robby would when he pulled Dennis to the side. It made him warm knowing their habits came from all the time they spent together. It made the guilt curl around him again.

“Why didn’t you tell Robby?” Dennis asked. Jack tilted his head in confusion. Dennis motioned to the break room where the menorah sat with the electric lights lit. Not kosher, but Robby said he didn’t always follow the rules anyway. And Dennis had seen him inhale a bacon cheeseburger in under five minutes. The hiccups from the aftermath had been oddly endearing.

“Why didn’t you?” Jack shot back. Dennis opened his mouth to answer and nothing came out. Why didn’t he? Pride had been a sin Dennis tried to steer from. His works were a gift from God, he’d been told, and he shouldn’t taint them with his pride. Keeping it from Robby meant the pride couldn’t taint it. Pointing out the mistakes in the menorah meant the sin couldn’t seep into him.

“I asked first,” Dennis said instead. Jack grinned and turned at the sound of his husband calling his name for trade offs. Dennis might actually kill the two men with how they seemed to have a knack for finding the perfect times to inconvenience him.

When he came in early the next day, Robby already stood by the break room, sharp eye as he glanced around. Dennis shook his head, went to his lockers, and tucked the token in his pocket. Maybe he could skip today. He was short a gift and a few other people had joined. For whatever reason, none of those caught Robby’s eye. It meant he was looking for something specific. Like he knew the handwriting on the sticky note came from Dennis which was ridiculous because it matched Trinity’s handwriting more than his own.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Robby asked as Dennis passed him.

“Uh, yeah,” he said. He slowed to a stop by the break room. Robby craned his head as a night shift nurse walked in and set something with the menorah. She put a note down, too, but Robby shook his head as she walked out. “Why do you want to catch them?”

“Hm?”

“The person who put the menorah up. Who… I dunno, started this.”

“No one else cared before.” Robby said it like it was the easiest explanation in the world. Anyone else might not have understood. Dennis did. It was the same reason he found himself pulled into Robby and Jack’s orbit. They cared. No one else had done that for him. His life back home had been filled with fights with his brothers, reprimands from his father, and empty smiles from his mother. He knew they loved him, they just showed it in a way no one else did. It still hollowed Dennis out.

The guilt started to ebb away. Dennis wasn’t sure how, but it did. The burning the two men brought instead filled it with something better. Nicer. Dennis liked this feeling more. It brought him closer to a God he might be able to believe in. Still, he didn’t share his thoughts. He managed to squeak in on the sixth day of Hanukkah when Robby didn’t have his eye on the break room to leave his gift.

The day Trinity and him manage to get off together right before the holiday, Dennis dragged her to the grocery store. He grabbed a few paints and brushes and threw them in the cart before actually wandering around for their list. Trinity had asked about the paints and he told her it was for his secret Santa.

“You haven’t told me who you got,” Trinity said. Dennis blinked at her. She glared at him. He liked making her say things outright. She didn’t often enough and he could take it in a way most people couldn’t. He expected it to take some time. Instead she huffed and asked outright.

“I got Abbot,” Dennis admitted as he tossed pasta into the cart.

“Oh, I traded him,” Trinity said.

“What?”

“Yeah, he had Garcia and I didn’t want the person I pulled.”

“Who did you pull first?”

“Not telling.” Dennis stuck his tongue out at her for that. She mirrored the action and they went back to shopping. It was always easy with her. He didn’t have this pressure he had with others. Everyone else had expectations of what they wanted from him. With Trinity, he didn’t have to deal with that. There were no real preconceived notions of what he should be and what he needed to do. The weight off his shoulders from it had been immense.

It might be why, as the pasta they bought was cooking, Dennis came out. Just said it while stirring the noodles and trying to hide his nervousness. Trinity looked up from her phone and stared at him for a moment. Her eyes were scrutinizing him in a way Dennis didn’t know how to interpret.

“Twice the options and still haven’t locked anything down,” she said. Dennis flipped her off as the tension bled out of him and went back to watching the stove.

It made him lighter the next day. The three bears he made were in a box with a bow and the paints and brushes. Although, Dennis started overthinking it and realized the paints and brushes were unnecessary if Robby said Jack liked the projects. He probably had them already. It made him a little more anxious as he set the box on the table in the break room, cleared of the nativities, but still with the menorah and the not kosher candles lit in it. He set the carved bear next to the menorah with the signature sticky note. He managed to sneak out without Robby being any the wiser.

Robby cornered him. Not on purpose, Dennis doesn’t think at least. But there was something about his boss towering over him that made him squirm. He’d kept a straight face, despite the close proximity and lack of anyone around. At first, Dennis assumed it would be another one of their quiet meetings. Robby would tell Dennis what to change, improve, or a point of pride (curse the sin), and they’d go back into the fray. Instead, Robby held out a paper.

“What’s this?” Dennis asked. He looked at the paper and tilted his head. Card stock with colored ink. Because of course the hot rich doctors would waste their money on physical invites to something when an evite would do just fine. Or a verbal invite.

“Jack wanted to host a party,” Robby said.

“Oh,” Dennis flipped the paper over in his hand. It would be on a day he had off.

“We checked schedules and most people have that day off. Hard to get everyone in one place with a job like this. I don’t think McKay or Collins will make it.” Dennis hummed and nodded though his heart pounded in his skull. A party. With his bosses. At his bosses. Not that it mattered because he wouldn’t be the only one there. Just the only one who knew they were together.

Except, Dennis took a closer look. The invite said Jack and Robby. Like a couple would have their names printed out. Like they were finally deciding to be public about it. Dennis snapped his head up even as his eyes flitted to Robby’s hand. Sure enough, the metal band normally reserved for his chain was on his ring.

“Oh!” Dennis repeated. “You two… You’re…”

“Yeah.”

“You won me like a thousand bucks.”

"Excuse me?” The look on Robby’s face was enough to send Dennis into a laughed fit. He couldn’t stop it and even had to reach out and grip Robby’s bicep as he curled in on himself. There was no reason for it. Just the fact that Dennis didn’t know the last time he’d seen Robby so confused. Maybe it had been never. Robby’s hand cupped Dennis’ elbow like he wanted to keep him there. Dennis squeezed the muscles of Robby a little more than necessary, but he liked the give of it.

Dennis had stopped caring about whether it would be cheating since he already knew the two were together. He just wanted to get in on the action and earn some money. It worked out well in his favor.

“Sorry,” Dennis said as he heaved in a proper breath, “Sorry, the ED had bets going. I cheated a little. I put like fifty down on you two already being married and it coming out of your own volition. No one else believed you two were that far in already.”

“There were bets?” Robby asked. Dennis nodded.

“Everyone thought it would be a dramatic reveal. You’re both too competent for that.”

“That so?” There was something else in Robby’s voice that made Dennis flare. The burning in him shoved at the guilt again, turned from embers to a roar at the way Robby’s voice dropped a tone and he leaned in. He still had his hand on his bicep and Robby’s around his elbow

“Yeah.” They weren't able to keep the conversation going because Robby got a page and Dennis was more than happy to let it end there. He didn’t want to know what that tone from Robby meant. At least not in the hallway of the PTMC. Somewhere more private, preferably with Jack around.

Dennis collected his award from Ahmad who promised he’d get the rest to him the day after Christmas once everyone who didn’t bet in cash Venmoed him. Dennis could work with that.

Dennis Whitaker owns far too few clothes. He owned a nice suit once. When he lived with his parents and they made sure he looked nice for church, he’d had a nice suit. Now, he has nothing. The clothes strewn about his room are the seven articles he owns outside of his scrubs. He groans and runs a hand down his face. This month had to be one of the worst for him. Jack and Robby seemed to have a vendetta against him and it had gotten worse after Dennis started really allowing conversations out of the topic of work. Which had only started at the beginning of the month. The touches and small talk and Jack’s innuendo’s had gotten worse and worse still, Dennis had liked it. And now he’s going to a party with at their house and he has no idea what to wear.

Trinity’s room doesn’t look much better when he ventures over there. He still wears the clothes he put on at the start of the day, but Trinity is in shorts and her bra with her door wide open. She stopped worrying so much about him coming in or “creeping on her” at some point. Dennis isn’t sure when. He knocks on the door jamb. She looks up at him and he bites his lip to keep from laughing.

“Garcia is going to be there,” Trinity says, “Do not laugh.”

“I was actually trying to see what I should wear,” Dennis says, “Seems we’re both shit outta luck.” Trinity groans and grabs a skirt and top. The skirt is black with a red crop top. She holds them up to the mirror Dennis can’t see but knows is there. When she turns to Dennis, he shrugs. It looks good. The color of the shirt matches the lipstick she chose to wear. “You’re the world's worst gay.”

“Bi, actually,” Dennis says.

“Never should have shown you that.” Dennis laughs and takes a hesitant step closer to the threshold. Trinity nods and he crosses into the room. There were shirts upon dresses upon pants and skirts and some weird blouse thing Dennis doesn’t even try to figure out. He’s a little happy his closet is so sparse.

There are a few items he picks up and shakes his head at. One dress is far too glittery, another too slutty, and another too formal. Trinity watches him, her gaze light and not heavy like Robby’s or Jack’s. He puts away a bunch of the options Trinity had been looking at. She tries to complain and Dennis raises a brow at her and her mouth snaps shut. When he’s done, there’s only a few options left. Just between casual and formal. He gets rid of the skirt she’d been looking at when he first walked in. The front slit went far too high.

He watches her pull on a skirt that stops just below her knees and pull on the red top. The crop is less prominent with the bottom, only noticeable when Trinity raises her arm. Dennis gives himself a small round of applause.

“I really hope you don’t plan on going out in that,” Trinity says.

“Actually,” Dennis says, “I don’t have anything better than this.”

“Yes you do.”

“No, I really don’t. I’ve worn every one of my outfits in front of you.”

“You’re joking. That’s a joke, Huckleberry. A bad one.” Dennis shakes his head. He picks at a few of the clothes Trinity decided against. He thought maybe Trinity would have some nice button up he could borrow. He’s seen her wear traditionally male clothes before. They were always a tad too big.

Trinity marches past him and into his room. He follows sheepishly. She’s gaping at his empty closet and the jeans, flannel, and two white shirts. Well, three, but that one has holes in it and Dennis wears it as a PJ shirt more than anything. And he will not show up to his hot bosses place wearing a PJ shirt.

Trinity opens the closet door wider like it will reveal something magically.

“Oh boy, you are hopeless,” she mutters. Dennis shrugs. He knows that. It’s why he went to her room before they got distracted. She disappears and Dennis doesn’t follow this time. He flops face first into his bed and clothes and groans as he crawls further up.

He should just stay home. He could send Trinity over with some excuse about how he got sick and couldn’t make it. Maybe then he’ll actually open the secret Santa he got. He’s not sure he can open it because it’s the first gift he received in so many years. Even his birthdays were empty and devoid of anything. Sometimes he gets an email, but it’s never about his birthday. They never say happy birthday. Dennis knows it’s the same for them as the holiday’s are for him.

Besides, not going to his bosses party meant he could stay home and think about other things. Like how to get over the weird emotion they managed to pull from him. The not-love that still expands his chest and makes it easier to breathe. It tears at him and pieces him together and they’ve rarely even spent time outside of work with each other. Dennis wants to. He has the want so deep in him, he’s not sure he can weed it out. He’s tried with prayers and study which isn’t something he’d done since he left Nebraska. It feels important. Maybe this time it will stick.

Except, all it does is make the guilt come back and Dennis doesn’t like that. He sticks his rosary away and puts his Bible back on the highest shelf he can find. He likes the way the two men burn away the guilt and shove it to the edges. Makes it all blurry and nonexistent. He needs to figure out a new way to get rid of the emotion that doesn’t have him turning back to religion.

Trinity comes back with shirts and even a few pants in tow. She places them on the bed next to him. Dennis groans again as he rolls over and flicks through the hangers. He finds a decent button up that’s not too formal and pairs it with some slacks. He reaches for a green plaid before Trinity is shooing his hand away. Apparently he’s not allowed any of the farm boy nonsense tonight. She is allowed regular nonsense because she forces him into an ugly green cardigan with Christmas trees and mistletoe. She even buttons it for him. It itches at his neck.

The car ride to Robby and Jack’s isn’t quiet. Trinity cranks the volume on her staticky radio to blast Christmas music even though it’s Boxing Day. He doesn’t mind. He sings along to a few of them to keep his anxiety from making him hurl. A million what if’s race through his mind and he has to work to squander all of them.

What if they show up and no one else is there? Him and Trinity have looked over their invites a dozen times in total. There will be other people there. What if they show up and the older doctor’s and nurses laugh at them? They don’t do that at work (in front of patients) and they’re all kindhearted. What if there’s mistletoe and Dennis gets stuck under it? That’s the most ridiculous. Why the hell would there be mistletoe and why would anyone force Dennis to kiss someone he didn’t want to? Especially their coworkers.

It’s simultaneously too fast and too slow the time they arrive at the house. And it’s a house. Big ass driveway and even gaudier walk up to the front door. Trinity whistles at the dark exterior and Dennis knows the interior will be much the same. He can tell because it’s exactly how Jack would’ve wanted it and Robby mentioned something about not caring about decor other than having his rug.

It’s weird to know what the house will look like before they even enter.

They knock and it’s not even one of the hosts who answers. It’s Javadi and she ushers them in with a grin. Dennis didn’t even know she’d been invited. It’s a little funny as she rambles about what they’ve missed. Not much, other than people talking about their secret Santa’s. Dennis sheds the cardigan before Trinity can reprimand him for it. He sets it on the coat hanger with the rest of the jackets and toes off his shoes.

“Pretty sure whoever made’em also made the menorah,” Jack’s saying. Dennis flushes, able to blame it on the cold as he and Trinity follow Javadi into the living room. There’s a few extra spots, none of them next to each other, so Trinity ends up sitting by Garcia and Dennis, a person (Dana) away from Jack. He’s showing off the bears Dennis had carved. The polar bear is partially painted and the black bear is done. They’re spread over the coffee table and Jack is reaching forward for the brown bear. It’s as he’s leaned out he catches Dennis’ eye and winks at him, like they’re sharing a secret. In a way, they are.

“Still haven’t caught the culprit,” Robby says as Jack switches out the figurines. Dana takes the offered unpainted wood.

“You’re too obsessed with it,” Dana says, “Just let a good Samaritan be.”

“He’s too controlling for that,” Jack says.

“Doctor Robby?” Dennis chimes in. “Controlling?” It makes a few people chuckle at his dry tone.

Matteo is there and so is Jesse. Dennis recognizes a few people from the night shift, including Ellis. She eyes the hell out of Trinity and Garcia as the two women talk in hushed tones. Dennis already knows how that will end up and he just hopes it stays away from their apartment. He also catches the eye of Kim and he likes her. She was nice to him on his first day, but after that, they didn’t really talk much. She keeps looking at him with these eyes he’s seen on Jack. Dennis isn’t sure how to feel about it.

Because it’s not just her. In moments where everyone else is distracted, the heavy gaze of Robby finds him. The quieter eyes of Jack, too. He liked it in the Pitt and he’s not sure what to do with it in their own home while surrounded by their coworkers in this setting.

He eats. He talks. He tries to stop catching his attending and his attendings husband's gaze. It’s the sin of lust and the sin of greed. Wanting two men and wanting their eyes on him all the time. The studying had been a bad idea. Those thoughts he struggled with during his theology degree come crashing back, threatening to put out the fire burning away the guilt. He works desperately to hold onto the fire, to focus on the older men’s gaze.

There’s the touches, too. Jack’s hand on his back, Robby’s on his shoulder. They’re subtle but they’re there. It gets worse when no one is watching. Robby against his side, Jack practically folding over his back. It takes more effort not to blush, but it stokes the fire. Keeps it going and the guilt away. It’s nice and Dennis likes it. He may not understand whatever the hell the married couple is doing, but he’ll take it.

He eats. He talks. Matteo tells Dennis about some of the worst holiday injuries he’s seen. Kim laughs a little too much at some of his jokes. Her hand lands on his bicep and he does what he can to laugh with her and not curl away. She’s nice and attractive, but she’s not what Dennis wants. What Dennis wants keeps stealing hidden touches and getting bolder with them. They don’t wait to brush shoulders or mumble an “excuse me” to squeeze past him. There’s a look in their eyes that tells Dennis they know exactly what they’re doing.

Trinity ducks out early and gives Dennis a look, expecting him to follow. He shakes his head because he’s having fun. Not just because of Robby and Jack, but because people are including him and joking with him. Someone brings up the topic of if secret Santa will be revealed this year. Dennis already knows he doesn’t care who gave him whatever is still stuck in his closet. It’s just the fact he’s celebrating that he cares about. Besides, one look to Jack and the man already knows who made his. The healed cut on Dennis finger burns hot enough to keep the fire in his gut stoked.

Garcia leaves next, followed by Ellis. Then it’s Kim and it’s a lot of other men so Javadi leaves, too. Then it’s just men and somehow it trickles to just Dennis. He refuses to leave so the hosts are left with clean up duty by themselves. It makes Jesse laugh as he leaves to see Dennis already helping himself to putting the attendings dishes in the sink and soaking a few in hot water.

“Whitaker, I think you’re already teachers pet,” Jesse teases as he’s halfway out the door. Dennis’ whole face scrunches as he shoves away the thoughts the comment provokes.

“What do you mean?” he asks instead. Jesse snorts and shakes his head before leaving.

Being alone with the two men in their house makes Dennis’ heart start up the whole beating erratically thing. Part of it is anxiety and part of it is the crush coming back hard. He can hear them whispering to each other and he’s ready to be kicked out even as he scrubs at a plate with a rough patch on it. He likes being useful, making his hands work. It’s nice to be able to do it here and not at work. At work is different from at home.

They join him in the kitchen and just move around him. They accommodate the fact he’s in their space and not leaving. The touches are bolder, firmer, heavier. A hand on his hip, one just above his waistband. Jack even dips his fingers over Dennis’ pants button as he leans over to place a fork in the sink. The touch had been entirely unnecessary and Dennis didn’t try to stop the blush from that one.

He slips away from the kitchen into the living room, tidying up in there. He pauses to look at how Jack’s painting of the bears is coming along. He hadn’t gotten a proper look at the start of the night so it’s only fair. They look good. The mix of their talents makes his brain fry a little. He wonders what else he could make Jack paint while Robby watched.

There’s a few plates left and Dennis doesn’t really look up as he brings them into the kitchen, lost in his stupid little fantasy. He nearly bumps into Robby and apologizes. Except the man doesn’t move and Dennis frowns and looks up. There’s an almost smile on his face and Dennis can’t help the way the expression makes his own turn up. Robby lifts his chin for a split second and Dennis takes the cue.

“Mistletoe?” he asks. “That wasn’t there earlier.”

“Nah,” Jack says. Dennis looks over to where he’s leaned over the counter to stare at the two of them, “Asshole put it up when you went to the living room.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” The plates are tugged out of his hands and put on the table. Dennis’ heart thuds hard in his chest. He knew the touches and comments were real. He knew there was something. It’s a different thing to experience it. It’s dizzying and the burning grows hotter. Dennis is sure it’ll eat him alive before it burns out what it should.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, sweetheart,” Robby says. It’s grounding in the way his voice always is. How it needs to be in order to run the department. It makes Dennis want to melt into the floor or maybe just stand there and wait until Robby tells him exactly what to do.

“To be clear,” Jack says from his spot, “We do want this. Not as a fun thing because we’re having a mid-life crisis. We care about you more than that.”

“Right.” Dennis says. Robby chuckles.

“Give him a second, Jack,” he says, “He’s always thinking.”

Which isn’t wrong. And Dennis is thinking. Spiraling might be a better word for it. Dennis hopes they don’t notice and he lets himself fall into it. His arms hang limply at his sides as he stares up at the mistletoe. It had been put there deliberately so Robby could kiss him. Or maybe Jack. Either of them seemed fine with it and Dennis was also perfectly okay with the turn of events. It just means Dennis has a lot of gears turning.

The touches were meant to be that; the innuendos as well. Dennis can’t understand why the heat got turned up so high so fast, but he won’t complain. Not when he looks down from the mistletoe and Robby is still watching him as he thinks. It looks like Robby would wait there for eternity if he let him. Dennis has half a mind to. He wants to see how far he can push things.

“Not a mid-life crisis?” Dennis confirms. Robby nods.

“Scouts honor,” he says.

“You’re Jewish.”

“So I couldn’t be a boy scout?”

“Pretty sure you’d get kicked out somehow.” That earns a barked out laugh from Jack and it makes Dennis grin. The receiving smile from Robby makes it even more worth it.

A hand slips to the back of Dennis’ head. Robby leans forward and Dennis has to remember to close his mouth so the kiss isn’t weird. His hands move to Robby’s hips so he can hold himself steady. When Robby gets close, his eyes flick back up to Dennis’. All it takes is a nod and Robby’s lips are pressed to his.

The burning in his stomach reaches into his sternum and he can’t stop the groan. It makes Robby chuckle and pull Dennis closer. Jack whistles behind them and Dennis thinks he forgets how to breathe. It’s a lot of Robby. His scent, his taste, his hands. He goes dizzy with it, floor tilting under him. It’s a lucky thing Robby catches him with an arm wound around his waist.

Robby mutters an “easy” under his breath as he pulls away. Dennis tries to chase him.

“I think Jack wants a turn, sweetheart,” he says. Dennis nods without thinking. His body is thrumming with the fire and he worries it’ll fizzle out. Instead, Jack replaces Robby and Dennis is pulled into another searing kiss. He outright whimpers as the fire gets impossibly hotter, burns brighter and turns all the guilt to ash. Finally, finally, Dennis isn’t wrong. He’s right and aching and pushing closer to Jack.

“You get this needy after two kisses?” Jack coos.

“You two have been teasing me for a goddamn year,” Dennis says, “I’m allowed.” It pulls two laughs in two baritones that makes Dennis huff. His brain is still fuzzy and the anxiety is thrumming, replacing the guilt, and he wants them to kiss him again to make it go away.

“Open your secret Santa?” Jack asks. His hands wander lower and pull Dennis flush. He frowns at the strange topic choice and shakes his head. He fists the shirt Jack is wearing and doesn’t care that he’s wrinkling an article of clothing more expensive than his whole wardrobe. There’s a heavy gaze behind him and Robby’s hands join Jack’s.

“Really?” Robby asks. His lips find the base of his neck and the beard tickles the skin there. His hands roam up Dennis’ clothed sides and he shivers against Jack. “You’re so patient. Such a good boy.”

“I just…” Dennis trails off as Jack hums and presses a kiss to his cheek, his jaw, his eyebrow. “I was going to open it later. I don’t even know who got me.”

“Traded with Santos,” Jack murmurs into his skin. Dennis is dizzy again. He traded to get Dennis. He used his golden ticket with Santos to get him. “Wanna know what we got you?”

“Could make him wait,” Robby says, “Make him wonder what he got until he gets home. Whenever that is.”

‘Whenever that is’ makes Dennis hope it means tomorrow. He doesn’t want to wait that long. His brain might be fuzzy from the attention, but he knows what he wants. He’s curious about what they got him and he knows if he asks, they’ll tell him.

“Don’ wanna wait,” Dennis manages, “I made you those bears and the menorah.”

“Jack told me after he opened his gift,” Robby says. His lips find Dennis’ ear as Jack’s find the pulse point on his neck, “Acted like you didn’t know a damn thing. Maybe you can lie.”

It’s not a compliment and he shouldn’t take it as one, but he still grins. He knows he’s a good liar. A damn good one and he likes using it to his advantage. He wonders what kind of trouble it could get him into with them. As if they’re reading his mind, Jack’s hand lowers and pinches his ass.

“Littmann,” he says, “Same model as ours. Wanted us to match. Kept waiting for you to show up wearing it. Wanted to see how pretty it looked on you.” Dennis thinks he’ll die here. They could have said just that before all this and Dennis would be just as wanting. He’d be just as needy and squirm just as much. The idea of walking into the PTMC and wearing a stethoscope he knows matches the two men is better than any of this foreplay.

“Are you going to show me a house tour now or are we staying under the mistletoe?” Dennis says.

“Bossy,” Robby says.

“Eh,” Jack kisses his husband over Dennis’ shoulder and it might be the most attractive thing Dennis has seen, “We’ll fix that.”

After, when they’re cuddling and Robby cleaned them as best he could with a cloth, Dennis rolls everything over in his head. There wasn’t a lot of time for the serious conversations. Between him being pinned to the bed or one of the attendings, he wasn’t saying a lot of words. He’s between them now, his head on Robby’s shoulder and Jack’s head on his chest. Both have found purchase on a patch of skin to run circles into and Dennis reciprocates. He traces aimless patterns against them and stares at Robby’s body unashamedly.

They should have the conversation, even though it’s late. He doesn’t have work, but he thinks Robby might. He’s not sure, though. It makes him giddy again to know there’s a chance Robby wanted him so bad he’s willing to risk being tired at work. Dennis doesn’t want to exacerbate the tiredness but he needs to know. And he needs to do it before their breathing evens out oo much. Or worse, they try to drag him out of bed for a shower.

“You said this wasn’t a mid-life crisis thing,” Dennis says, “But… What is this?” The two men slow their ministrations and turn their heads to look at him. Dennis doesn’t have the ability to look at them both and it would be hard to anyway so he keeps staring at the ceiling instead.

The burning is gone, but so is the white hot guilt. They couldn’t make their peace with each other and the one that needed to stay will be back, Dennis is sure. It won’t be the guilt. The burning is sort of stirring in the way Jack and Robby don’t speak for a while. He knows they’re doing that silent communication thing couples are able to do when they know each other for long enough. He hopes he can be in on it. The gold bands on their fingers flash in the low light. Dennis doesn’t feel envy. He feels a swelling of good.

“We would like to think it’s us taking you out, wooing you the old fashioned way,” Jack says, “We want you in our lives as our partner. Not just a fling or some fun addition cause marriage is boring.”

“Which it’s not, by the way,” Robby scolds Jack. It makes Dennis giggle. “He’s just an asshole.”

“Mhm.” Jack snuggles closer to Dennis. “Seriously, though. None of your generations bullshit of situationship and talking stage or whatever the fuck you do.”

“Hook-ups mostly,” Dennis offers.

“Worse.” Robby groans as he throws an arm over his eyes. It makes Dennis laugh again. He’s so full and he’s been fucked out so it’s weird to not know where to put it. “Not that. Not hook-ups. We want something serious.”

Dennis chews on his cheek as he thinks. Jack and Robby wait and again Dennis thinks they'd wait an eternity for him.

It’s exactly what he wants, too. He wants to get to know them and have the weird stage where they’re trying to figure out how they fit together. He wants to have his own toothbrush and a small section in their closet. He wants to force them to learn how to use technology the right way because while they’re good with medical equipment, Dennis knows he saw Jack using WikiHow to figure out how to put an attachment in an email.

It could be good. Dennis wants good. He’s wanted it desperately and it’s in his reach. He should grab it while he can an run for the hills. Maybe he could drag them along. With the way they’re pressing closer and giving him little kisses, he thinks he could convince them to.

“I like that,” Dennis says.

“Yeah?” Jack asks between his kiss from one freckle to the next.

“We’re gonna dress you up in the fanciest shit,” Robby says.

“We said we were gonna ease him into that, brother.”

“Mm, I wanna see him in a tux.” Dennis laughs hard enough to snort at the notion and it makes the men at his side laugh with him.

Dennis wanted a kind God. He thinks this is where he found Him. Between these two men who start bickering over him about what kinds of things they’re allowed to buy him and Dennis realizes it’s absolution he’s found. He’s warm and cared for and he thinks he could be loved if given the right time. Maybe it’s sacrilege. Dennis can’t find it in him to care. He’s allowed this goodness in God when so much of it had been hurt instead.

It’s their bickering he falls asleep to. Dennis thinks he hears Robby mention a car and Jack whispering about the lack of a driver’s license. He mumbles something about passing his drivers test after five tries before he’s pulled under. There’s easy laughter in his ears as he does so and Dennis smiles in the space he’s found.