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Crowley had been doing better. He truly had been. It was weeks since Aziraphale first learned of his past with self harm. Weeks since the two had confessed their feelings and moved into a cottage in the South Downs. Weeks since he had packed up his old flat and left the horrible memories behind.
Weeks since he told his angel he left that knife behind.
In a way he had. He hadn't touched it since that night, keeping it locked away in a small safe in the closet. Crowley knew that’s not what Aziraphale thought he had meant, but the small lie was worth it to see the look of relief on his loves face. He hadn't wanted to lie, not to Aziraphale, but he couldn’t bare the thought of his angel worrying about him like that. He couldn’t admit how long he sat staring at that blessed knife, unable to throw it out.
Everything was supposed to be fine. He was going to move in with Aziraphale, lock up the knife and never think about it again.
But that was then.
Crowley sat on the bathroom floor, staring at the knife at his feet. It was late, he wasn't quite sure how late but Aziraphale had long since gone to bed and Crowley dreaded accidentally waking him with his crying.
He knew he needed to wake Aziraphale. He knew he had promised to ask for help the next time things got this bad. He knew, but he couldn’t seem to get up off the floor.
The voices in his head were screaming. Screaming to pick up the blade. Screaming for that agonizing feeling of calm as the blood pooled. He kept thinking about if only he had gone deeper those weeks ago. If he’d made just one more cut. If Aziraphale hadn't noticed and hadn't come. He wouldn't be feeling anything right now. Oh how he wished he wasn't feeling anything right now.
That thought shook Crowley out of his trance. He didn’t want to die. He was terrified of leaving Aziraphale on his own. So why was his brain so insistent on the idea? Why did that thought hold so much comfort?
And why was he suddenly picking up the knife?
Crowley looked at the knife in his own hands as if they belonged to someone else. They felt so distant, so wrong. He stared as he turned the knife over again and again never truly feeling it. He stared as he brought it closer and closer to his wrist.
Crowley heard Aziraphale mumble in his sleep and he flung the knife to the far corner of the loo. Crowley looked at the knife in terror, afraid to move and break the spell. Afraid to move, knowing he wouldn't be able to stop himself again. Afraid of how close he had just been.
He covered his mouth with his hands and let out a sob.
Aziraphale. Aziraphale was just in the next room. All Crowley needed to do was call out to him. He would come and then Crowley would be safe. Only every time he tried to call out he couldn’t make a sound. His throat felt tight and tingly. His chest felt stuck. He could barely breath let alone scream the angels name. So Crowley did the next best thing and knocked hard on the cabinet door.
He heard Aziraphale stir before his sleepy voice weakly called out.
“Crowley?”
Crowley let out a wheezing sound and knocked once again.
A moment later he heard Aziraphale jump out of bed and quick footsteps heading towards him.
Aziraphale entered the loo a moment later and his eyes darted over the scene. Crowley watched as his eyes dropped to the knife and his faced paled. Aziraphale slowly sank to the floor next to Crowley, and gathered the demon in his arms.
“Shhhh, darling. It’s alright. I’ve got you.” He said softly and begun stroking his fingers through his loves hair.
Crowley clung onto Aziraphale as tight as he could and softly sobbed into his shoulder. After several minutes had passed, the angel broke the silence.
“Love, if you’re willing I would like to get you off the floor. May I pick you up?”
Crowley clung to him tighter and nodded against his shoulder.
“Alright, darling. Up we go.” Aziraphale said as he stood, shifting Crowley into a bridal style carry.
He brought the two back to their bed, laying Crowley down softly before enveloping him in a tight hug.
“It’s alright, darling. You’re safe. I’ve got you dearest, you’re safe.”
Tears continued to slip down Crowley’s face, creating a damp spot on Aziraphale’s pajama top.
The two stayed like that for some time, but as Crowley’s tears slowed he could feel his voice returning.
“A – Angel”
“Yes love, I’m here. I’ve got you.”
“kn – knife”
“I know. And we can talk about that later.” Aziraphale said, not a hint of judgment in his voice.
“Need……. Need you to get rid of it.” Crowley choked out. The idea causing him physical pain, and he pulled away just slightly.
“I will, dearest. Will you be alright for a moment?”
Crowley nodded.
“I’ll take care of it” Aziraphale said before kissing Crowley’s head and walking to the loo.
Aziraphale felt his heart drop as he looked at the knife. He thought it was gone. That Crowley had thrown it out. But there it was.
He stared at it for a moment longer before snapping his fingers, banishing it to who knows where, just far, far away from his love.
Relief flooded Aziraphale as he turned and looked around at the floor. No blood. And there wasn't any on the blade either, so Crowley was unharmed, at least physically.
He returned to their bedroom, seeing Crowley curled in on himself with his hands clutching at his hair.
Aziraphale laid down before pulling Crowley once again into a strong embrace and whispered how much he loves him until he knew the demon was asleep.
Good, he thought. He needs his rest. And Aziraphale would stay awake, holding him, making sure he’s safe, until morning.
The hours passed as Aziraphale held Crowley close to his chest, terrified that he’d blink and his love would be gone.
The sun was well over the horizon before he felt the demon stir in his arms.
“Darling?” He said quietly, not wanting to wake him if he wasn't already waking.
“hmmm?”
“Love, are you awake?”
“yeah, angel, I’m awake.” Crowley said around a yawn.
“How are you feeling?”
Crowley sat up and looked at him, a confused look on his face before having a moment of dawning realization and dropping his head into his hand.
“Dearest?”
“I’m fine, angel. Nothing to worry about.” Crowley didn’t know why he was lying, after all Aziraphale already knew.
“Crowley, please tell me the truth. Don’t try to shut me out.”
“Really, angel, I’m fine. Sorry about last night.” He said as he begun to get out of the bed.
Aziraphale felt his stomach drop as he reached out, grabbing Crowley’s arm, pulling him back onto the bed.
Crowley looked up, seeing the terrified expression on Aziraphale’s face.
Crowley sighed and looked down at the sheets.
“I was doing better.” He said. Aziraphale remained silent.
“Really, I was. I hadn't done anything since the last time. Hell, I hadn't even touched the thing since we moved.”
He glanced up, seeing Aziraphale’s concern written on his face.
“I don’t know what happened. There wasn't anything, not really. I was fine, then I woke up last night, couldn’t think and suddenly had it in my hand. I don’t even really remember getting it out.”
Aziraphale grabbed his hand and placed a kiss on his forehead.
“You did the right thing by waking me. Thank you dearest.”
“I didn’t want to. Didn’t want to scare you.”
“Crowley, listen to me.”
Aziraphale cupped Crowley’s face in his hands, tilting the demons gaze to meet his own.
“I love you. I love you so incredibly much. Please, never worry about scaring me. If you need help I want to be there for you.”
“Thank you angel.”
“Of course, darling. Thank you for being brave and asking for help.”
The two sat in silence for several minutes before Crowley hesitantly asked
“Did….. did you get rid of it?”
“Yes. It’s gone.”
Several complicated emotions crossed Crowley’s mind at that but it quickly settled on relief.
“Thanks.”
“I know it must be hard for you to know it’s gone, but I’m so very proud of you.”
“Why? I didn’t even toss it out myself, I had to have you do, like a coward.” Crowley spat out.
“No. That was not cowardice, that was courage. Dear it takes courage to ask for help. And while I very much wish you told me it was here, I’m very proud of you for letting it go.”
Crowley couldn’t find the words to say, settling to look at Aziraphale with a soft smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“Crowley, please don’t take offense but I need to ask you a couple of questions.”
“Yeah, sure, shoot”
Aziraphale winced at his phasing.
“Is there anything in the cottage that makes you feel unsafe?”
“nope”
“Do I need to put the kitchen knives away?”
Crowley hesitated before answering. “I don’t think so.”
“Alright, please let me know if that changes.”
“Sure.”
“Do you have any other blessed objects?”
Crowley went to respond no but thought back to the other object in the safe.
When the two had first moved to the cottage Crowley had insisted that Aziraphale get holy water in the case of an attack. The angel had refused and begged him to drop it, saying that he couldn’t and wouldn't bring holy water around him. A week later Crowley asked the priest of the local church for a bottle.
“Angel……..”
“Crowley, please be honest. I’m trying to keep you safe.” Aziraphale pleaded.
“Errrr…. Just uhhh, hear me out, yeah?”
“My dear…. What do you have?”
“I promise it’s not a safety concern. I didn’t even remember I had it last night.”
“Dear…..”
“I got the holy water.” Crowley muttered out.
Aziraphale sucked in a breath and his face went sheet white.
“Where is it?” Aziraphale did his best to remain calm but he felt closer and closer to panic with every passing second. The love of his life had not one, but two items that could permanently kill him in their home. And he hadn’t even known. What if Crowley had gone through one of these episodes while he was out? He hoped his demon would call, but what if he didn’t? What if he had returned home to find Crowley’s lifeless body, or a puddle on the floor?
“It’s in the safe on my side of the closet.”
“What’s the password?” Aziraphale stood from the bed. He desperately wanted to ask how he had even gotten it, but that would have to wait.
“What are you doing?”
Aziraphale took a deep breath before answering.
“I understand why you felt like we needed it. But dear, you must understand why I can’t leave that in your possession.”
“Angel, don’t.”
“What would you have me do, then? Because I can’t bare the thought of you having one of these episodes while I’m out and………” Aziraphale choked on a sob.
“I’d call. You know that, right? Aziraphale I’m not going to leave you.”
“I believe you dear, but I also know your brain can be horrendously cruel. And I…… Darling I can’t take that risk.”
“Angel…….” Crowley softly whispered. “Fine. If it’d make you feel better you can have it. But you can’t get rid of it. Stick it somewhere so it’s around if we need it. Keep it in a safe of your own or something. I never did find that Derringer, I’m not gonna find this.”
“You won’t go looking for it?”
“Nope. As long as you know where it is that’s fine by me.”
“Alright, I can agree to that.”
“Good.”
“Now, password.”
“4004” Crowley said with a smirk. However Aziraphale didn’t seem to notice. He rushed into the closet and crouched on the ground, looking for the safe. He found it quickly, hidden behind an old pair of Crowley’s shoes. He almost cried with relief as he pulled out the flask and miracled it into a new (and locked) hollowed out book in his office.
As soon as he finished he returned to the bed, sitting at Crowley’s side.
“I know where it is.”
“Great.”
“How did you come to have that?” Aziraphale asked hesitantly.
“Saw that priest at the pub. Asked if I could have some sometime and he had it on him. Give it to me right then.”
“Crowley! It could've had residue on it! He could have blessed you!”
“Yeah, I know. But we needed some and I saw an opportunity.”
“Dear, I must insist that you never try to obtain more. If it means this much to you I’ll keep some, but please, I can’t allow you anywhere near it. Darling, I need you safe.”
“I don’t particularly like having it either. As long as you have some, and know where it is, I don’t want more. I promise, angel.”
Aziraphale let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
For the first time all day Crowley looked over at the clock on his nightstand. It read 13:45
“It’s getting late, can I tempt you to a spot of lunch?” Crowley said with a smile.
“Temptation accomplished.”
Things weren’t fine, but they were getting there. Relapses are a part of healing, and one day this would just be the past.