Chapter Text
‘I know I’ve been in this office a lot,’ Michael said, rubbing his fingers on the slightly rough fabric of the couch. ‘But this feels… weird.’
Linda sat across from him, legs crossed, a newly built chart labeled ‘M. Demiurgos’ under a notebook on her lap. ‘Getting you here in this fashion certainly hasn’t been due to a lack of trying. The first time I said you needed therapy was in March of 2018, if you’ll remember.’
Michael hummed in response.
‘And then Lucifer has prodded you pretty much since then.’
‘Yes,’ he replied lightly.
‘And Amenadiel.’
‘I—‘
‘Chloe too, I’m sure,’ Linda continued, tapping her pen on the lined paper. ‘Surely Ella.’
‘Not Ella,’ he responded quickly. ‘She’s provided therapy of her own and otherwise let me be on this topic in particular.’
‘Curious considering she goes to therapy for childhood trauma,’ Linda replied, eyebrow raised.
‘I said I didn’t want to, and she left it at that,’ he said quietly. ‘She doesn’t push.’
‘So, what has finally brought you into my office properly?’
Michael sighed. ‘What Mum told Lucifer in December.’
Linda matched his sigh. ‘Michael, we’ve discussed the whole issue. Lucifer is doing well after learn—‘
‘I’m not okay,’ he said a bit furtively, voice strained. ‘I haven’t been since that day. I’ve tried to be okay, but I’m not.’
Linda tilted her head a bit. ‘Due to another suicide attempt by your twin? I’m sure that was shocking, as once again, none of us caught that he was ramping up to that.’
He shook his head. ‘Lucifer has told me all about the conversation he had with Mum, and pretty much all She talked about was how Lucifer was treated by Father. I was removed from Her in the time leading up to the rebellion and fall, then Father had us all believing She was hysterical following Samael being banished, so I didn’t listen to anything She had to say about Samael and me, and I didn’t really interact with Her much until Father ordered that I take care of Her banishment.’
‘So, you feel favoritism from your Mother toward Samael, and that’s hurtful?’
‘No,’ he said a bit sharply. ‘Mum isn’t blameless in this, but She at least tried to stand up, even if we saw it as insanity. She was right to try to protect Samael and commute his sentence by using my spiritual connection to him as a reason when fighting Father. She didn’t really have any other options to try to convince Him.’
‘Then I’m not following, Michael. Lingering sadness from your loss of faith considering your former closeness to your Father?’
‘Mum said that I was removed as an unknowing participant in Father’s experimentation on Samael, but I don’t think that was something positive or even benign on His part. I don’t know that it was fully favoritism or that He particularly cared that I was affected by the loss of Samael to the depths of my soul even if I didn’t recognize it at the time.’
‘From what I’ve learned, your Mom was right, knowingly separating the two of you was cruelty. It was injurious to both of you.’
He paused for a few long moments before speaking quietly. ‘This is stupid; trying to compare my experience with Samael’s is unfair to him. It’s a waste of your professional time, Linda. I apologize.’
Michael stood fluidly and was about to turn toward the door when Linda grabbed him by the wrist. He hadn’t even seen her stand.
‘Sit,’ she ordered, not letting go of his wrist until he was fully settled on the couch. She returned to her chair. ‘You should know as well as I do that you can’t compare misery. I know you say this to your patients. Everyone has their own pain, and they deserve to have that respected.’
He set his jaw and intertwined his fingers. ‘We were all designed as tools for Father.’
She nodded.
‘I’m having a hard time understanding what His real purpose was for me,’ Michael continued. ‘Mum said that I was His only son of the two of us, but the more I look back, the more I think I realize that our entire relationship was built on His treatment of Samael, like I was just meant as a weapon against my twin. Mum saw us as Her children while Father saw us as sport.’
Linda frowned a bit, obviously turning over previous sessions with Lucifer in her head. ‘You were considered the Voice of God. That’s a place of honor, I would think.’
‘A large part of that task was bolstering Father over Samael and making humans despise and fear the Devil,’ Michael replied. ‘Starting and to a certain point directing holy wars which included blaming Samael for losses, both battle- and human casualty-wise, even though he didn’t have a single thing to do with them. Father planned, but He didn’t execute. That was firmly me.’
Michael sighed again before scooting over a bit on the couch, tossing a pillow to the other end, and laying down, one hand above his head and the other on his abdomen. He stared at the ceiling while Linda watched him neutrally.
‘I can’t remember if I made a conscious effort to ignore what everyone else said about Samael or if it was something Father directed and I just followed the command,’ Michael said softly, eyes flickering about as he thought. ‘I remember when Father separated us and acted like I was a vital part of the humanity project, then He kept me away from Samael until the battle ending the rebellion.’
‘How long were you apart?’
Michael shook his head. ‘Time is meaningless in Heaven, so I have no idea. When I saw him again, it felt like we barely knew each other, however. There was no emotional connection there anymore, at least not from my end.’
‘Lucifer was hurt,’ Linda admitted. ‘It’s taken a lot of therapy, but he’s been able to remember a least a little more about his fall, and he does remember far enough back to your reaction upon meeting him in battle. He was surprised at the depth of your rage.’
Michael winced. ‘I don’t remember when I became such a rabid defender of Father.’
Linda paused, balancing if she wanted to say something, and he looked at her with some concern.
‘Amenadiel says your Father referred to you as pliant when separated from Lucifer,’ she said carefully, furrowing her brow at his immediate but expected upset.
‘Pliant?’ he asked in a small voice.
‘Some people are naturally more prone to suggestion. You’ve always been a very regimented individual, a soldier, so it would make sense that you’d be more comfortable with taking direction and commands from the Ultimate Authority instead of forming your own assumptions about an… adversary,’ she replied almost apologetically. ‘I don’t want this to seem like an insult.’
Michael closed his eyes. ‘He exploited a weakness.’
She opened her mouth to say something before shrinking back a bit. ‘He sort of did, yes. It’s not at all on you. I’ve never met Him, but He certainly has legions of devoted followers, and He knows it.’
She scooted to the edge of her seat.
‘You’re basically the victim of a cult leader.’
Michael snorted a laugh disbelievingly.
‘Tell me if this list sounds familiar,’ she replied lightly. ‘Authoritarianism without accountability. Belief that those who left are wrong. Belief that the leader is always right and the only source of correct information. Zero tolerance for criticism. Isolation from loved ones. Control on the flow of information. Only positive propaganda about the leader. Those under the leader become deployable agents to spread the word about the leader.’
Michael was completely silent and still, staring at the ceiling with his forearm across his forehead while barely breathing.
‘You were born into it, Michael. You were formed by His will and that of your Mother. There was no conscious choice to become involved. You were manipulated,’ she offered quietly. ‘You were a devoted, attentive son which benefitted Him, so He used you to His own ends.’
He closed his eyes, lifting his other arm to cover his face. ‘I wish I hadn’t come.’
‘Ignoring it for actual eternity wouldn’t benefit you,’ she countered. ‘Recognizing that you were rarely at fault for relationship issues between Lucifer and you is important.’
‘Our relationship has been strong since shortly after we reunited,’ he muttered.
‘You don’t ruminate constantly like he does, likely due to your disparate brain structure thanks to your awesome Father as well as his natural worries about his wife and children, but it is an absolute lie that you don’t find yourself drowning in guilt on a regular basis, and you know it,’ she replied a bit roughly.
There was a long pause before he spoke again. ‘I have to admit something.’
‘Oh?’
He sighed. ‘I’ve seen Mum since December. She spent a bit of time with Ella and me on Epiphany.’
‘Did your Mom come to you?’
He shook his head. ‘Ella prayed to Her.’
This concerned Linda. ‘Ella did?’
‘I might have been acting a little Lucifer-esque,’ he admitted, and she leaned forward to speak. He held a hand toward her. ‘The manic part, not the suicidal. It had been a few weeks of lead-up. I think she was probably getting sick of being requested pretty much every day. Makes us sound too much like a real relationship.’
Linda would argue that they were in more of a relationship than they’d ever admit, but she wasn’t about to mention it. ‘Why your Mom?’
‘I interrupted Ella’s Epiphany church service with her brother by calling five times in a row and was sort of beside myself when she got to my place, and her initial reaction to another barrage of existential crisis from me was to pray to Mum.’
She looked at him questioningly. ‘It doesn’t sound like your discussion was wholly successful.’
‘I found out when Mum was cast out on the human timeline side of things,’ he replied with a shrug. ‘Twenty-three hundred BCE or thereabouts. Apparently, She set fire to one of Noah’s arks before Dad punted Her. Or, well, had me do it.’
He looked at Linda who was staring at him neutrally again.
‘Mum and I were never close, Linda,’ he said softly. ‘She was affectionate, I guess, but her love was primarily for Samael even if he doesn’t wholly remember it. When I saw her last month, it was more gladness that she’d comforted Lucifer than joy in seeing my Mum. As weeks passed, however, I dwelled on my relationships with my parents, and it got… messy.’
‘You recognized that despite being called God’s son, you were never really treated as one.’
‘I mean, I recognized that around the time Aurora was born.’
‘Not to this depth,’ she replied. ‘Yes, you realized you’d all been created with a specific purpose to benefit your Father, but you’ve already admitted today that you’re unsure of what your purpose even was. You were kept close to Him, but after what your Mom told Lucifer, it wasn’t protection of, affection for, or esteem of you that kept you connected to Him. It was primarily as a slight against your Mother. When She was gone, the focus was on His needs and how you could fulfill them.’
Silence fell over them until Linda spoke again.
‘Michael, what did you and your Mom talk about?’
‘She admitted She hadn’t put much thought into me compared to the amount She put into Lucifer,’ he said almost flippantly, but she could tell his voice was strained. He laughed dryly. ‘I knew I wasn’t Her favorite of the two of us, but it felt weird hearing it verbalized so plainly.’
‘I’m sure she loves you regardless.’
‘She does,’ he replied quickly. ‘But She has always coddled Lucifer.’
‘Coddled seems like a strong word, don’t you think?’ Linda asked. ‘She was trying to save the victim of a series of unethical experiments.’
Michael considered this for a moment before sitting up then standing again, turning on his heel to grab the door handle.
‘Michael…’ she said softly, not standing.
‘Nothing I say is going to make my situation on par with Lucifer’s,’ he said, pausing. ‘And it shouldn’t. Staying in Heaven while my twin and Mother were banished to Hell means I was dealt the best hand despite how Father ended up treating me. Again, I’m sorry for wasting your time, Linda. Let me know if you need anything regarding Lucifer, and I’ll be glad to help.’
He opened the door, standing in the threshold and looking at Ella, who was sitting in the waiting area.
‘You’re already done?’ she asked hesitantly as she stood, looking at her phone. ‘It’s only been twenty minutes.’
Linda came up behind Michael, surprised to have heard Ella’s voice. She didn’t realize she’d brought him. ‘No, I’m just being an awful therapist. It’s generally not my practice to take siblings, and I’m stumbling on this situation in particular.’
Michael stood awkwardly in the doorframe, hand pressed to the wood. Ella crossed to him, looking up at him with a furrowed brow. She reached up, pressing a hand to his cheek, and he laid his hand on hers.
‘I’ll take you home and make a point of leaving you be for a bit, or as long as you’d like, okay?’ he said softly with a half-smile. ‘I know I’m being exhausting.’
Dropping her hand, she pressed his chest lightly, pushing him back into the office. He allowed it but stumbled back a bit, barely missing tripping backwards over Linda. Ella closed the office door.
‘Sit, sit,’ Ella said to both of them, and when they’d listened, she settled about a foot away from Michael.
‘I don’t want to be too deeply in your business, but you did say you wanted to do this, Michael,’ Ella said a bit chastisingly. ‘You told me you feel abandoned by your Parents, and that it was a horrible realization.’
‘Is it okay to proceed, Michael?’ Linda asked carefully. ‘I don’t want to do anything in front of Ella without your permission.’
He looked at Ella for a moment before nodding.
‘After Michael expressed confusion over what his God-intended purpose is, I pointed out that God’s treatment of Michael was like that of a cult leader who used a devotee to deeply further His own ends rather than how a Father would treat His son,’ Linda said. ‘Then he said that you brought his Mom in but hasn’t really expounded on that much. He just said She said Lucifer has been more of Her focus, and I rudely focused the situation back on Lucifer’s experience instead of listening to his.’
Ella looked over at him as he sat up straight and looked out the window at the cloudy January day.
‘His Mom is great,’ Ella said. ‘Nothing like when She was here before. She came to his place and chatted for an hour. There were some hard issues discussed.’
‘I want to help you, Michael,’ Linda said as he uncharacteristically ignored her by continuing his gaze out the window. ‘I’ve spent countless hours with Lucifer, but he didn’t happen in a vacuum. You’re not unaffected, and I need to know what hurts the most so we can work on it.’
‘Mum said She never thought on me much, and obviously Dad only saw me as munitions against both Her and Her beloved son,’ he said softly, leaning his chin on his fist propped on the arm of the couch. ‘So, what does that make me? Lucifer acted so carefree about being released from being God’s son, but I identified as part of Him and His plan for humanity your species’ entire existence up until 2015. Mum and Lucifer act like it was an honor being so adjacent to Him instead of acting as a target, but was it really?’
He blindly reached out, and Ella took his hand.
‘Even Amenadiel wasn’t so indoctrinated,’ Michael muttered. ‘I wasn’t permitted to interact with living humans until the nineties unless they were chosen by Him and even then could only act as a vessel for Father’s veneration. Popes, prophets, saints, writers of the Holy Bible. I could watch wars play out and have some modicum of control in the outcomes of religious ones, but only invisibly unless Father wanted an apparition. I was relegated to Heaven and wherever He sent me. I never came to this plane of my own volition.’
Ella moved a bit closer to him, setting their hands on her thigh.
‘What changed in the early nineties?’ Linda asked.
‘Father didn’t want to get involved in any war pitting Christians against Muslims and didn’t see any major Christian infighting in the future, at least on the holy war side of things, so He gave me the option to engage with humanity for a while instead of focusing on Heaven’s wars. Since He recommended it, I decided to try.’
‘Why medicine?’
He pondered this, adjusting his hand so his chin was resting on the palm. ‘I initially studied molecular and cellular biology and anthropology out of interest in learning more about the nitty gritty of humanity than religious sociology had taught me over the entirety of human existence. I didn’t plan to go into medicine, and I didn’t entirely plan to come back after my three years getting my bachelor’s. I left Earth and didn’t come back for five years.’
‘Why did you come back?’
‘Father told me to,’ he said simply.
‘Did He tell you why?’
Michael shrugged. ‘No.’
‘He didn’t like…’ Linda started, tapping her pen on her notebook. ‘He didn’t want a child who was well-integrated into human society, one in an esteemed profession?’
‘No,’ he replied. ‘He didn’t really encourage me to integrate, and He didn’t tell me what to study or do as a job. I chose human medicine because celestial medicine seemed interesting when I spent time with our older brother as he held his clinics and did his research. I mean, I obviously ended up loving it, but I wasn’t given a direct command which was a little difficult initially.’
‘You came to Earth in 1999 and didn’t leave again until 2011. God didn’t direct you at all during that time?’
He shook his head. ‘We spoke a lot, but very little conversation involved interest in my studies or my initial years as a doctor, and Raphael was the only one from our family who attended my graduation from medical school. I hadn’t been out of fellowship for long at all before He recalled me to Heaven.’
‘What did He talk about if not you and your accomplishments?’
‘Mostly Lucifer and the state of Christianity,’ Michael replied airily, trying to act unbothered. ‘For a while, I thought He was hinting that I needed to drop everything and come home, but when I brought it up, He said Amenadiel was more than capable, so I just obeyed and stayed in Baltimore.’
‘Why did He bring you back to Heaven if Amenadiel was capable?’
‘In 2011, He said Amenadiel was too close to the Lucifer situation, and He needed someone more even keeled to remain at His side as the situation unfolded. He said he also wasn’t sure if there would end up being strain or straight war between Heaven and Hell once He successfully sent Lucifer back, so He wanted the Commander of Heaven’s Armies at the ready as well.’
‘And all was fine until you got a doctorate in research ethics.’
Michael shifted uncomfortably before speaking in a whisper. ‘Yeah, I suppose.’
‘Then you were retired despite the potential catalyst for a celestial-infernal war not yet occurring.’
‘Correct,’ he replied. ‘And before you ask, yes, I thought this was an honor. I’d done my duty for millennia and was freed to do something I liked for as long as I desired, and I didn’t have to be involved in the politics of planes anymore. Being able to put aside my sainthood and just exist as Michael Demiurgos without being directed constantly was a blessing.’
‘Weren’t you lonely?’ Ella asked softly, pressing her other hand to his upper arm. Somehow it hadn’t come up before.
‘No,’ he responded immediately. ‘I didn’t have human prayers clambering in my head constantly or Dad sending me to talk shit about Lucifer or scare humans to inspire awe. My ORs don’t involve idle prattle, and I’m just enough of an asshole there to discourage friendship but maintain professionalism. I purposefully kept human interaction to a minimum. I have talent and skill, and I’ve historically presented at conferences and given talks about surgical topics to benefit medical research and patient care, but until that day when Mum made sure I was paged about Lucifer being admitted after his attempt, I’d never been socially close to humans. I kept a healthy distance.’
He ran his thumb over Ella’s knuckles.
‘Being around humans can be unnerving. You’re very fragile, and that’s only more apparent to me with each surgery I perform. I don’t like the emotions involved when you lose one another, and I don’t look forward to having to experience them myself when all of you die.’
‘When was the next time you saw your Father after being retired in December 2015?’
‘Besides when I cornered Him in Heaven after Lucifer’s attempt? When He came to tell us that Aurora was a blessing in August 2018,’ he replied. ‘Actually, that was the next time I even heard from Him despite many prayers asking clarification regarding Lucifer’s affliction. It was my choice to forgo prayer between landing in Los Angeles in January 2016 and being paged on Lucifer in February 2018, but I really wanted some answers after bringing Lucifer back.’
‘You couldn’t fly up to see Him?’
Michael paused. ‘I was honestly afraid after becoming aware of His actions against Lucifer. I figured the best thing I could do was stay on Earth trying to help instead of risking getting caught in Heaven by some Pavlovian response to being in Dad’s presence or just wasting my time being lied to by Him. I’m almost certain nothing He’s told us about Lucifer’s bipolar disorder or lamotrigine reaction, or Chloe’s reaction to being pregnant with Lucifer’s child is true, and Mum has been hinting to the same. He injured Lucifer’s brain purposefully, yes, but healing it is well within His power. Lucifer never would have self-actualized a deadly drug reaction when that would mean losing Chloe and returning to Hell as much as he postured in hospital. Father Himself indicated that He chose for Chloe to have to undergo a crusade to have Aurora. It’s all just… it’s just fucked.’
Linda and Ella both nodded immediately.
‘Your visit with your Mom,’ Linda stated.
‘Basically, She wasn’t fond of me, She was willing to sacrifice me to Dad in the hopes that would provide protection for Samael by not separating us either through eradication or onto different planes since She didn’t know Dad’s plans, She appreciated that I hurt after Samael’s banishment but focused more on his redemption, and She was willing to sacrifice Herself in the end to benefit him even though She didn’t realize at that point that he wouldn’t do more than just jail Her immediately.’
Ella looked at him again. ‘That’s not everything She said. She was focused on Samael and had misplaced rage toward Michael until She sensed him in Los Angeles when She came here in fall of 2017. She was initially wary because She couldn’t think of a reason why Michael would be in close proximity to Amenadiel and Lucifer, but She looked into his time on Earth and his accomplishments and realized he didn’t seem to be the brainwashed soldier who pushed his twin and Mother to Hell. He was calm, intelligent, and seemingly settled. She watched his speeches on YouTube, read articles he’d written for medical journals, and even managed to watch him both in the hospital and as he went about his daily life.’
‘She refused to see Michael after Lucifer was discharged from his suicide attempt.’
‘Apparently, She wasn’t certain about how to approach the situation, so She wanted to keep everything as I expected it would be, and that involved not seeing each other,’ he responded. ‘She’d intervened to have me paged the day he was admitted in the hopes that we’d be properly reunited, but She wasn’t sure that safety would be obtained from us just coming back together. She was figuring out how to best stack the deck for us.’
‘When Lucifer had the drug reaction, She realized that the best way to save Lucifer was to submit Herself to God,’ Ella continued. ‘That’s why She left the day he was admitted. Michael didn’t realize it at the time, but She came to the hospital that day and checked on them before departing for the celestial plane.’
Linda tapped her pen again. ‘But it does sound like this is still very Lucifer-centric.’
Michael nodded. ‘Yeah, it is. It feels like I’ve never actually had a real parent, honestly. Dad lied to or used me since the beginning of humanity, and Mum belongs to Lucifer.’
‘Michael,’ Ella said a little sharply. ‘She apologized for lessening you. She said She wants to build a relationship with you, to right the wrongful assumptions of the past, to be a better Mother to you. Were you listening?’
He exhaled forcefully. ‘It’s not that simple.’
‘She’s not God, Michael. She’s proven that by how She handled Lucifer last month. Your Father would have let him exsanguinate in the shower and had Chloe find his body, probably some fucked up observation on blessing response to spousal death compared to control human,’ Ella snapped back before speaking more softly. ‘And you know it.’
‘It’s your choice whether you want to continue a relationship with either of your Parents,’ Linda told him. ‘Just because your Mom wants to — at this point, I’m not sure it’s repairing a relationship as much as building one — doesn’t mean that you have to do it. Lucifer seems to think She’s not wrathful, so I don’t think you’re going to be in danger by choosing to divorce yourself from Her. Adults distance themselves from abusive parents all the time, and that shouldn’t be judged.’
She paused to jot down a few notes before looking at him and pointing at him with her pen.
‘Just know that Lucifer intends to maintain a relationship with your Mom.’
‘Unsurprising,’ he replied distantly, tapping his fingers on the arm of the couch.
‘This isn’t a decision you have to make today either,’ Linda encouraged. ‘It is patently obvious that you experienced abuse from your Father and were primarily employed as an acolyte for an incredibly successful cult leader rather than being seen as a natural son to Him, and I think you recognize that. I don’t know why your Father was so insistent on toying with the two of you in particular over the rest of your siblings — Amenadiel seems to have been sent to do chores and deliveries like a normal child instead of being plucked for King of the Infernal and Voice of God with whatever heaviness comes with those positions.’
A silence fell over the room. Michael kept rubbing Ella’s knuckles and once again rested his chin on his hand, eyes focused out the window. Linda was the one to break the silence.
‘You do need to make a decision, however,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as you’re moving that direction in therapy. Cult deprogramming isn’t a thing, but if it were, I feel we’re long past you believing anything God throws at you at this point. You are totally settled with your only two brothers who matter and don’t seem upset at the absence of the others. We are purely down to needing to address your relationships with your Parents.’
‘With Mum,’ he corrected. ‘Dad already severed ties, and I wouldn’t want to mend those. There is no universe in which I will find the ability to forgive Father.’
‘We’ll likely still need to discuss your relationship with your Father, Michael, but I appreciate if that’s not where you’d like to start. It’s probably not as pressing as the status of your relationship with your Mother.’
‘Lucifer finds Her comforting because She’s always adored him, so he’s partisan,’ Michael replied. ‘Ella finds Her enchanting because She’s exuding Her true nature now unlike when She was using the body of a dead human. Lucifer didn’t develop charm from nowhere – it’s a trait of Mum’s he inherited just like I unfortunately inherited stoicism from Father. None of our siblings have an untainted opinion of Her because of the campaign against Her spearheaded by Father, and no human besides maybe Chloe can provide an honest opinion because of the state of Her divinity, and even Chloe would be swayed by Lucifer’s opinion. I can’t get any valid input from others.’
‘Why do you need to know the opinions of others?’ Linda asked carefully. ‘It’s your relationship with Her, not theirs. The decision is whether you want to pursue a relationship with your Mother based on your interpretation of the situation. There’s no right or wrong answer – it is what you decide, and I’m here to help you work through the decision process, however long that takes and whatever the outcome.’
He finally looked away from the window and at her, nodding lightly. ‘I’ll take that under consideration as we develop our own therapeutic relationship.’
Ella smiled softly.