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“What’s that you said about crazy, reckless, ruthless decisions?” I asked.
Marco looked at me grimly, but with an exasperated admiration. As if he knew exactly what I was about to say, and resented me for it, but couldn’t help but admire the insanity of this plan. I knew it was insane too, and I wasn’t sure if any of us would make it out of this alive. And honestly, I didn’t really care if we did.
“Ram the blade ship.” I ordered.
My crew turned to stare incredulously at me.
But they followed my orders. I was still the leader, after all these years.
We were hurtling toward the huge blade ship at faster speeds than The Rachel had ever flown. Everyone who could was already morphing, and I began to morph. We hurled impossibly fast toward the ship, and I braced myself for the impact.
Just as The Rachel was about to collide violently with the Blade Ship, and the One…
I heard a loud knock on my bedroom door. I opened my eyes quickly, and lurched up in bed, gasping for air.
“Did you sleep past your alarm or something? It was blaring pretty damn loudly twenty minutes ago. Sure woke me up.” Tom sounded annoyed. “Come on, Jake, get up. Breakfast is downstairs, and you have tryouts today.”
I rubbed my eyes wearily. Then, as the details of where I had just been came flooding back to me, it all came back.
The war. The yeerks. The morphing. The indescribable feeling of flying, bounding, leaping.
The Andilaites. The blood and gore of battle.
Rachel’s death… and Tom’s.
The One. Ax’s face stretched out into an unnatural smile.
I pulled the covers back and looked at myself. I was thirteen again, still in my gangly, awkward teenage body. I looked around my bedroom warily, and everything was exactly as I remembered it. The basketball posters on my walls. The dirty laundry piled up in the corner, complete with the stench. The glow-in-the-dark stars I still kept on my ceiling. The Batman comic books piled on top of my dresser. The hum of the ceiling fan.
I rubbed at my eyes, suddenly exhausted and disoriented.
…was all of that just a crazy dream?
Well, if it was, it was more like a nightmare.
Even already, the details were beginning to fade. Except for one scene from the dream.
I was standing on the bridge of the Pool Ship, in tiger morph, watching with my heart in my throat as Rachel skewered a king cobra in between massive grizzly paws. Her fur was already matted with blood and gore, and as she brought up the snake to her mouth, she slipped slightly in the slick blood on the floor.
The cobra withered in her grip. <Jake, stop her!> he screamed in Tom’s voice.
I can’t! I’m so sorry, I can’t do that Tom! I screamed inside my own head. But my expression remained completely impassive, as I knew it had to.
<Sorry> Rachel said distantly. I wondered if she knew she’d spoken in public thoughtspeak.
Then she bit down on the snake’s head. It severed neatly from his body, leaving a neat spurt of red trailing after it.
<Jake, stop her!> Tom spoke those words in every single nightmare I had after the war. Right before Rachel or I beheaded him.
Tom, in his typical cool older brother way, flung the door open and barged into my room without an invitation.
“Hey, Midget, I know you’ve had a long week of practice but today’s the big day! You definitely don’t want to be late, besides Dad’s making waffles and ….” He trailed off as he caught a glimpse of my expression. “Um, are you crying?”
I looked up at my big brother, at the face I once knew so well. He looked sixteen again, the same as he had looked before one of those alien slugs had ripped his life away. He was fully showered and dressed for school, his hair chopped short and neatly combed back, the faint scent of Dad’s cologne wafting from his shirt collar, and he wore an expression of half annoyance, half concern, with just a hint of something I couldn’t quite make sense of.
I sprung out of bed, with tears still streaming down my face, and why was I crying over a stupid dream anyway, ran up to Tom, and threw my arms around him.
He looked surprised, but he hugged me back, squeezing me tightly for several seconds longer than I expected him to, then pulled back, staring at me like he was suddenly concerned for my mental state. He draped his arm over my shoulder and led me back to sit down on the edge of the bed.
“Uh… are you okay Midget? Not that I don’t appreciate being assaulted by the stench of your unwashed pajamas first thing in the morning, but that seemed a bit dramatic, don’t you think?” He laughed lightly, but there was something slightly off about his expression. I couldn’t quite place it.
I took a shaky breath in. It was just a stupid nightmare. Tom was right here, and he was sitting with his arm wrapped solidly around my shoulder, real, solid, warm, and comforting. Alive. He was still my big brother.
Although…
I had to make sure.
Instead of answering his question, I leaned against him and casually asked, “You’re still on the basketball team, right? Like, you didn’t suddenly decide to quit one day over some new bigshot club?”
He burst into laughter, and then snorted. I pulled back a little bit to see him shaking his head in amusement. “No. Why the hell would I ever do something that stupid? Basketball is life.” Tom chuckled, then looked back at me again. His smile faded, and he tightened his grip on me. “Why do you ask, Jake?”
I hesitated, but I felt my body relax. It was him. Everything was okay. I didn’t really watch him die…
“I…I had a nightmare.” I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
Tom squeezed my shoulder. “Okay. You wanna talk about it?” he asked seriously.
I pulled back a little bit to look at him. My brother wore a deadly serious expression, with not even a trace of his usual sardionic smile. He never looked like that unless he was genuinely worried.
I suddenly felt the need to reassure him, somehow.
<Jake, stop her!>
I tried to shut out the final, nearly insubstantial moments of my nightmare, before I leaned against my brother and wrapped both arms around his torso, squeezing briefly before letting go.
“Sure. I mean, I’m totally fine. It was just a dream, Tom.” I said, trying to brush the whole thing off.
He was quiet for a second. The hum of the ceiling fan provided the only sound. I glanced at the floor, rubbing my bare foot lightly against the soft carpet.
“Well, even if you are totally fine, it still seems like you want to talk about it. You looked pretty freaked out, so whatever happened, it seems like it kinda fucked with your head.”
I hid a grimace, and Tom continued, with a small smile in his voice.
“It’s okay, Midget, you can talk to me about anything,” he reassured me.
I glanced at my alarm clock. I was fifteen minutes behind my usual schedule.
I stood up and straightened my pajamas . “Are you sure? I thought you said you didn’t want to be late for school. I need to get ready.”
Tom rolled his eyes. “Jake, whatever horrible nightmare you woke up from is clearly going to bother you until you get off your chest. And being distracted will definitely hurt your chances of making the team. So quit stalling and talk about what’s bugging you already.”
I barked out a laugh, even though it wasn’t funny.
“Like I said before, I had a nightmare,” I began, sitting back down. Tom put his arm around me again, squeezing my shoulder gently. The support helped, and I continued.
“There were these aliens attacking the planet.” I closed my eyes as the images flashed through my mind again. “They were called yeerks, and they were these gross slugs, maybe six inches long.” I held two fingers up in an approximation. “They came because they wanted new host bodies. They would crawl into people’s brains and take over their bodies, and…and the people they took would still be totally aware. Helpless. Trapped. Unable to fight back. And…and in the dream, they… they took you, Tom.”
I felt slightly shaky. Glancing over at Tom, I saw that his face had gone chalk white. When he noticed me looking at him, he took a slow breath in and then wrapped his other arm around me, pulling me into a tight hug. I returned the embrace, and rested my head on his shoulder for a little while.
“That sounds pretty bad, Jake,” he muttered into my hair. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me the rest if you don’t want to. We can go downstairs, grab some waffles, and just forget about this whole thing.”
I pulled back, wiping at my eyes. “No, it’s alright. I want to talk about it. I haven’t been able to think about anything else since it happened.”
He nodded, determination spreading across his face. “Okay. Tell me the rest.”
So I did. I told my big brother all about the details of the war, the morphing, every wacky adventure we’d had, the impossible decisions I’d been forced to make. I ran through every mistake I’d made, every time I’d seen my team crack under the weight of battle. And I ran through what I’d done at the end of my dream. How I’d become a monster. How I’d sent Rachel to kill the monster in Tom’s head. By the time I made it to that detail, I could taste salty tears pouring down my face. Tom hugged me again, tightly.
“I’m so sorry, Midget. It must’ve felt so real at the time.”
I nodded against his shoulder. “It did. It was horrible. I thought you were… gone. And it would’ve been my fault. Everything would've been my fault. And at the end, after you and Rachel were dead, I didn’t care about anything anymore. I wanted to die by the end.” I pulled back and wiped away tears again.
“No, Jake," Tom said seriously. “ Listen to me. Not everything that goes wrong is your fault. Sometimes you have to consider how your decisions impact the greater good. Sometimes you have to let go of things that you’ve worked for so long to hold onto, because other things matter more. Dream-Jake made the right decisions, I think.” He stood up, and pulled me to my feet, smiling. “It was just a dream, right? It’s all over now. Don’t think about it too much.”
I nodded, still wiping tears from my face. “Okay. I should go get ready for school.” I stood up and started walking out.
“Jake?” Tom called out, still standing in the middle of my room.
I glanced back at him. He looked a little shaky, and his face was oddly pale.
I walked back over to him, gripping his shoulder to reassure my brother. “Yeah?”
Tom cleared his throat. “Two things. First, you…you don’t actually want to die, right?” He shifted nervously.
“Nah,” I reassured him. “I think I was just kinda broken by the end. Of the dream, I mean.”
Relief washed over his expression. “Good. For a second there, I thought…never mind.” He let out a long breath. “Secondly, if it had been real, I want you to know that I wouldn’t have blamed you for sending Rachel. The… the way you described infestation, it sounds awful. I wouldn’t have been angry at you at all for trying to end my suffering.” My brother shuddered slightly, his voice faint and his body stiff.
I laughed nervously. He sounded way too serious. Sounds like my dream had freaked him out too.
“Okay, let’s go grab some waffles.” I said. “And keep our minds on the most important thing here- we are here, and alive, and I’m ready to go play basketball. We can’t let one bad dream get in the way. Race you downstairs?” I leaned forward playfully.
He reached over and ruffled my hair lightly, laughing, bad mood forgotten.
“Okay, you’re totally on.”
He pushed me behind him on his way out of the door. Giggling, I ran to catch up with him, jumping on his back and attempting to tackle him on his way out of the door. He shoved me off him playfully, then scrambled up and sprinted to the stairs, turning around to flash me his signature cocky grin.
I hid a smirk as I dived at his legs, wrapping my arms around his ankles to trip him. He sprawled hard on the landing, slamming his face against the carpet. I quickly scrambled off of him and ran to help him up.
“Oh my god, sorry. Are you alright?”
Tom lifted himself up and gave me a friendly slap on the shoulder. “Never better. I mean, you can’t really use that strategy on the court, but I’ll give you points for outsmarting me.” A strange expression flitted across his face for a second before he smiled. “You know how to think ahead. And you do well making a split second decision. That’ll serve you well today.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Then I sprinted down the stairs three at a time, turning around on the last step to smirk at my brother.
“I win-in,” I bragged in a sing-song voice.
Tom bounded downstairs, slapping me on the shoulder again. “Nice work, Midget. Go grab some waffles. I gotta go make a call real fast.” He turned to the telephone in the hall.
“Ooh, calling your girlfriend?” I teased, smirking up at him.
He turned back to look at me and laughed, but there was none of his usual warmth behind it. “Nah, just gotta…confirm something,” he added vaguely.
I left him to do… whatever he was doing and joined my parents in the kitchen.
“Morning, honey,” my mom smiled. “Sleep well?”
I shrugged as I slid two warm waffles onto my plate and drowned them in maple syrup. “I had a weird nightmare, but other than that it was fine. It really freaked out Tom though, when I told him about it. He’s been acting off all morning.”
I sat down at the kitchen table as my parents exchanged a worried look.
“I’m sure it’s fine…” my dad said slowly, worry lines creasing his expression. “What nightmare, Jake?”
I repeated the details of the dream, closing my eyes and letting the sensations flood through me again. It felt strange, how freaked out I’d been about it when I woke up. Now that I was back home, with parents who didn’t despise me, I felt light and relaxed.
“That’s intense. What could’ve led you to have a dream like that?” my mom questioned, concern spread across her expression.
I shrugged, placing another bite of warm, sticky waffle in my mouth. “I may or may not have marathoned the late night sci fi channel with Tom and Marco last night.” I admitted sheepishly. “That probably accounts for the alien stuff.”
Just then, Tom poked his head into the kitchen, his dark curls falling over his face. “Hey, Jake.” He said playfully. “Just so you know, we’re picking up Rachel today too.”
“Oh, okay. Any reason why?” Our cousin Rachel wasn’t all that close to our family, since her parents divorced when she was ten. We saw each other at school, and that was about it.
Tom leaned against the wall, slamming his eyes shut, trying way too hard to appear casual. “Look, all I know is that she called and informed me that she needed a ride today.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. There had to be more to the story than that. Rachel usually rode the bus to school, and if she really needed a ride, we most likely wouldn’t have been the first people on her mind.
He raised up his hands in surrender. “Okay, fine. I needed her opinion on something, and this was the fastest way to see her.”
“Uh, okay.” I stared at my brother, and his carefully blank expression. Ever since I’d told him about that dumb dream, he’d been acting super mysterious. “Are you alright? You’ve been acting weird all morning.”
He chuckled. “You’re such a dweeb sometimes, Jake.” But he didn’t answer the question.
I swallowed the last sticky, sweet bites of my waffle, placed my dishes neatly in the sink, and slapped Tom on the shoulder on my way out of the kitchen.
“Hey, whatever’s going on, don’t think about it too much, right?”
He flashed his signature grin at me. “Such wisdom. I wonder where you got it from.”
“Shut up,” I laughed, turning away from my brother.
“Go ahead, Jake. I’ll catch up in a minute.” Rachel called after her cousin, watching him carefully ease his way out of Tom’s car, then hesitate, waiting for her. His light brown hair was combed back neatly, his red backpack hanging from one strap over his left shoulder, his gym bag slung over his back. He looked so young. Without the weight of a thousand immoral decisions, Jake appeared so much lighter. Happier.
“You sure?” he asked, frowning slightly at her. “We’re already running late. Mr. Tidwell’s not going to be happy, especially since you already have perfect attendance. I know you don’t want to break your streak.”
Rachel peeked at her older cousin. He was staring at the idling cars in front of the drop-off area, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel nervously, waiting to weigh in until they could discuss the issue privately.
“Yeah, I’m sure. Go ahead, don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself,” she reassured him, watching as he shrugged and waved after her, before turning and walking into the main building.
Rachel let out a breath. “Okay, he’s gone.”
Tom glanced over at her, his expression tight. “So, how are you doing?”
She let out a disbelieving laugh at the weight of that causal statement. “This whole morning has been crazy. One minute I’m listening to some former alien bird god…whatever…manslapin his entire life story, and accepting the fact that I was, well, dead. Next thing I know my mom is banging on the door of my childhood bedroom, telling me I’d be late for school.” She laughed again. “It’s kinda unreal.” Rachel grew quiet for a second. “At least, I’ll get to see Tobias today. And Cassie. Even Marco.” She reluctantly admitted that she would be glad to see him. After they all watched her die, she’d be overjoyed to see any of them. It’d been difficult enough to keep her cool around Jake, once Tom had told her that he didn’t remember what had happened. Lucky him. Rachel wondered if the other Animorphs would remember the war, or if she -and Tom, apparently- would be the only ones with the memories.
“What about you, Tom? Are you okay?” Rachel asked sincerely. This morning couldn’t have been easy on him.
The older boy barked out a laugh. “It’s been…rough. Keeping it cool, I mean. But… being alive, Rach? Being free? It’s the best feeling in the world. Wouldn’t trade that for anything.” He paused for a second, soaking in his surroundings with awe. “I guess I never really appreciated the joys of running late for school before.” Tom said thoughtfully, cocking one eyebrow.
Rachel snorted at that. “Yeah, me neither. So why do you think we’re alive?”
Tom paused, running a hand through his short curls. “Hell if I know,” he snorted. “Maybe that Ellimist guy thinks it's funny to mess with us. Maybe this isn’t even real. Or perhaps we’re in the afterlife.”
“Doesn’t sound like something the Ellimist would do. Coming to visit me and send me off, then placing us both in some new reality?” She shrugged one shoulder. Then Rachel scowled. “I bet Crayak would, though. We’ll have to watch out for him. If he is fucking with us, I’ll claw his stupid eye out.”
Tom snorted. “I’d pay to see that.” He let out a long breath, then continued, “Is it too much to hope that some benevolent all-powerful alien wanted to give us both a second chance?”
Rachel snorted, gazing out the window at the scrawny middle schoolers running to catch up before the second bell. “Maybe.”
They fell silent after that, listening to the purr of the engine underneath them, the chatter of the approaching kids, the rustle of the leaves in the trees. Both of them now had the luxury of appreciating the simplest of pleasures, Rachel thought. She would never take Sara’s habit of jumping on top of her at six in the morning for granted again. Or even Marco’s stupidest jokes.
Suddenly the bell pealed, forcibly pulling Rachel out of her reverie. She sheepishly unbuckled her seat belt and opened the door, rushing out of Tom’s car.
“Thanks for the ride,” she hurried to say. “And, um, sorry. About…”
Rachel had never been great with words, exactly. She tended to rely on her actions to speak for her. But she felt like she owed Tom an apology, even though she knew she’d done the right thing, in the end. Still, he’d ended up dead because of her actions.
“Don’t you dare apologize for setting things right, Rachel.” Tom warned her, a warm smile grazing his lips. “I wanted it to be over, you know. I didn’t give a damn how. And now, through some strange twist of fate, it never happened in the first place. I’m just happy that Jake thought it was a dream. Ignorance will be bliss, for him.”
Rachel smiled at her cousin. “Thanks, Tom. It’s been really good to see you. The real you, I mean.”
He waved at her. “You too, Rach. Have fun not being dead.”
Rachel laughed lightly. “You too, cuz.”