Work Text:
January 1st, 1987
As the school doors to the outside swing open, a chilling breeze blasts through my face, reminding me that the grueling winter will still persist throughout the new year. Right, I suppose just because a new year starts doesn’t mean the weather magically changes, does it?
Before I turn to the school gate, the sky takes my attention away from me. It wasn’t so different from when I was in class, staring out the window while paying zero mind to the ongoing Math lesson. Or was it Physics? Who knows..
To be honest, the only real difference that I can see now that I’m outside is the vivid shapes of each gray cloud, each one painted with a light, soft orange as the sun continues to shine its beauty from below the horizon during this beautiful civil twilight.
Amazing. Even after the sun has fully sunk below, away from the eyes of everyone in this city, it still has the philanthropy to share its brightness with us, as if it’s a dying soldier, opening a pathway for his fellow comrades to pursue the opposing fort. Heh, now isn’t that noble?
“Askaa!! Yoo-hoooo!” A familiar voice from the school gate called out, noticing that it was Marina waving and calling for me when I looked over. Ira was with her, leaning on the wall with her arms crossed as a cigarette was held in her mouth. Right, back on track.
After a cautious look to my left and right, I start walking over, the soles of my valenki digging deep with each step. The new year must’ve intensified the snowfall, huh?
When I reach them, I send a small wave. “Hi, Ir-!”
“Why do you do that?”
The words were so suddenly blunt, I didn’t know what she was talking about. “H-huh?”
“Marina too,” Ira said, pointing at the girl with her head. “Before you guys started walking, you looked both ways, like you're checking for cars or something. What the hell is up with that?l
“Oh, ahahaha..” Marina held her nape. “See, uh.. It’s kinda stupid..”
“Yeah, no shit. We’re in the middle of a school, not a freaking freeway.”
“No, not that! I mean, as in..” She sighs. “It’s because of Vadik..”
“Vadim? What does that moron have to do with this?”
“Well.. About a week ago, he hired some tiny brats to throw snowballs at us every time we walked out of the building, and in exchange, he showed off some porn poker cards to them or whatever.”
Ira's eyes widened. They blinked once. Twice. Then, in a dumbfounded tone, she said, “What? Is he five?”
“Hah, exactly what I said! Great minds think alike, don’t they, Aska?” she asked, elbowing my arm.
“Y-yeah! Speaking of which, I wonder why they didn’t hit us this time around..”
“Ah, that’s because Ms. Chair Thrower over here is with us!” Marina patted Ira’s shoulder.
“Tsk,” she swats her hand away, “knock it off. Also, what do I have to do with snowballs not getting thrown at you?”
“See, I had this theory. You know how Vadik’s like totally scared of Ira, right? Well, he probably told his ‘colleagues’ about her, saying that she's an absolute nut case and to lay off the snowballs whenever she was around. Lo and behold, I turned out to be right! They even ran away when they saw her, like she was a witch or something! Hah, serves them right!”
So that’s why Ira left near the end of the class. I was hoping I could walk out with her though..
“You and your dumbass theories.. Also, who the hell are you calling a nut case?”
“Hey, his words! Not mine! Plus, it worked, right? Not a theory anymore if it’s been proven true, right?”
“Ugh, whatever.” She turns to exit the gate. “Can we just go watch this movie already? What’s it even called again?”
“Ah, that’s a secret until we get there! More importantly, you aren’t allowed to leave yet, Missy!”
“Huh..? We’re all here, aren’t we?”
“Ah, no! We still need to wait for Va- mm!” My words were quickly blocked by two warm hands covering my mouth.
“Don’t tell her..!” Marina whispers into my ear. “If you do, she might just end up leaving..! Neither of us want that, do we..?”
I quickly shook my head. Ira, leaving? After I practically begged her to come on our walk back home from school yesterday? God no! That would be the worst!
She slowly removed her hands, cold air hitting my lips once again.
Ira narrows her eyes. “Wait for who..?”
Marina filled in for me. “N-no one in particular! Just a special guest coming with us!”
“‘No one in particular,’ she says. ‘Special guest,’ she says. Those two don’t add up at all! Who the hell is-“
Rough, familiar footsteps began to approach us.
It was Vadim.
My eyes go back to Ira. Beneath those ocean blue eyes, a sense of fury could be sensed behind them, the flame growing intense with each step. No, it wasn’t just her eyes anymore. Her entire core was set ablaze with wrath, and if it took physical form, it would instantly melt the snow within a ten-mile radius.
Oh no.
Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no.
This is bad.
No, this is catastrophic! Me of all people should’ve seen this coming! Did I really not suspect a thing when Marina told me we’d be watching a movie with Ira and Vadim?! Those two are like fire and gas! Mix them together, and everything will combust!
No, it’s not that I didn’t suspect a thing. I should’ve! It’s just that the moment I heard that Ira was coming with us, I immediately agreed and ignored everything else she said afterward! God, how stupid can I be?! Now I’m worried about what other things I agreed to! If it’s a new year, she’d probably want to do something extreme, right? Oh no, what if she took my suggestion for bungee jumping seriously? Wait, no, where can we even-
The footsteps stop.
I turn my eyes to Vadim. Compared to Ira, he looked more annoyed than furious, yet there was this cautionary manner to him, kind of like a mouse to a cat situation. Of course, he’s scared! This is Ira we’re talking about!
“Marina,” Ira said.
“Yeah?”
Her fingers pointed to the boy a fair distance away from her, hands shaking. It definitely wasn’t because of the cold. “What is this pissant doing here?”
“Well, I thought we could-“
“Oh, I’m the pissant? Isn’t that ironic coming from you, considering how you’re always in the bathroom for some god damn reason? Are you fucking pissing out a waterfall in there?”
She grabs her cigarette and flicks it out of her hand, to which I quickly stomp out with my feet. Ira marches towards Vadim, putting a finger on his chest once in front of him. “Watch it with that fucking mouth of yours, Garin. Also, that’s not what pissant means, dipshit. Are you being dense on purpose?”
“It’s called innovation, Grachevskaya. I don’t expect you to know, especially with how much you’re skipping out on cla-“
“Okay okay!” Marina gets in between the two, pushing them away from each other with a palm on their chests. “Look, can you two just chill out for just one day? I get it, you hate each other's guts, but can we at least have one day where you two don’t almost kill each other? It’s the first day of the year, for god's sake! Can’t we just have fun, especially with Asya here?”
“Oh yeah, what’s Shubina doing here also? You told me it was just going to be us two, not including Psycho Pants and Ms. Goody Two-Shoes over here.”
“Her name is Asya, you fucking moron,” Ira said, getting an eye roll from the guy.
“Ooooh?” Marina raised an eyebrow. “What’s this now? Are you saying that if it were just you and me, you’d be fine going out? That almost sounds like a date! Is that what you were hoping for, hm, Vadik?”
He scoffs. “In your dreams. You’re the second-to-last girl in this entire school that I’d even think about dating.”
“Right, because we know how much you’re attracted to the same sex, Garin,” Ira said, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, aren’t you one to talk, huh? Aren’t you and Shubina always in the bathroom together? I bet my ass you pin her against the bathroom stall every time you two meet,” he said with a smirk.
“What the fuck did you just say?!” She starts stomping her way to Vadim, each step filled with inconceivable rage. “I’m not the one who has four dudes up my ass like they’re my servants! Especially Igor; that dude’s practically your boyfriend with how much he’s riding your dick! I bet he kisses and spits on it too, huh?!”
“Oh, now you’ve fucking done i-“
“Okaaaay!” Marina clapped her hands together. “We’re done!” Marina quickly gripped Vadim’s wrist. “To the cinemas we go!” He was quickly dragged down the pavement, protesting about being with Ira and me. Honestly, I think he should be more grateful. This is three more girls than the zero he usually hangs out with, right?
“What is up with that guy..?” Ira exasperates, pulling out a soft pack of cigarettes, putting a stick in her mouth and lighting it with a match before blowing out a puff of smoke.
“Sorry, I should’ve told you beforehand, but it completely slipped my mind..”
“No, it’s fine. Either way, I probably would’ve come.”
“R-really?” I asked, Ira giving me a hum in return. “That’s great! How come?”
Her eyes averted, looking at everywhere but at my eyes. “Uh.. Well..” She scratches her cheek with a finger, to which I notice it getting slightly pink. I don’t really know the reasons, but it’s really cute!
“You two coming or what?” Marina yelled from afar, a good 10 or so meters away from us.
“We should get going.” Ira immediately started walking.
“R-Right!” I quickly caught up by her side, matching her pace as we were now walking behind Marina and Vadim, going on with their usual bickering. It’s like they’re a couple arguing with each other, hehe.
Haaaah.. I probably should’ve done something throughout that whole thing.. Don’t get me wrong, I always appreciate when Ira stands up for me when it comes to Vadim, but this was more or less done out of her pure hatred for him, was it not..?
I hate situations like that, ones where I’m just standing in the background as I watch the fire in front of me intensify, and rather than help put it out, I just stand there and watch everything burn. That’s why Marina’s so great! Breaking up fights is basically second nature to her since she wants everyone to get along! I mean, I do too, of course, but the difference between her and me is that she has the courage to do such things, and I don’t.
Buh, I’m so useless..
A voice to my right snaps me out of my self-deprecating acts. “You alright?” Ira asked.
“Ah, y-yes! I’m fine! Just a little cold..”
“You wanna borrow my scarf then?”
“Oh, no no! It’s-“ I close my eyes as a sudden breeze hits my face, enveloping it in an incongruous cold and causing shivers to arise, “fine..” The rest of the sentence came out shuddering, disproving my statement. Maybe I actually do need that scarf..
“You sure? You don’t seem fine to me.”
“I’m sure! Also, you might get cold yourself if you take it off..”
“It’s fine, I don’t care. I barely even need it most of the time.”
“B-but this is the coldest day we’ve had so far! The weatherman on TV said it’d go as low as -24° today! I don’t want you to get si-“
My words were interrupted by a scarf being wrapped around my face, reaching all the way to the tip of my nose.
“Just take it,” Ira said, still delicately wrapping the fine clothpiece. Her voice was assertive, yet gentle at the same time, like your own father telling you to go to sleep on time. “There. Better?” she asked the moment she finished.
If it weren’t for Ira’s scarf around my face that’s being held up by my own, the fire hiding beneath my cheeks would be out in the open for the world to see. “Y-yeah! I like it!”
She quickly blew air out of her nose, slightly smiling afterward. “You like it? I guess that’s good.”
I was supposed to say that it helped or something of the sort, but my mind confused me with what I wanted to say and what I was feeling. Shoot..
I pull the scarf closer to my face, inhaling a deep breath.
Smells like.. tobacco..
Upon arriving at one of the rooms in the only video salon of Vorkuta-5, I notice that every seat is left empty but one, which is the middle seat of the second row, occupied by an elderly lady. I hope we didn't just ruin her peaceful afternoon..
I can hear Vadim groaning behind me. On one hand, he's carrying the box of corn puffs Marina ordered for herself, piled with multiple chocolate bars of the same type on top (which Marina also ordered for herself). On the other, he’s holding a bottle of cream soda.
"Hey, so why do I have to carry all of your guy's stupid snacks?"
"Because that's what gentlemen do, right? It'd wouldn't be very ladylike for us to carry our belongings while you walk empty-handed," Marina said.
"'Ladylike' my ass!" he yelled, a bit too loud for the small cinema. I'm so sorry, kind lady.. "You bought 10 bars of Hematogen! Are you seriously going to eat all of this during the movie?!"
"Uh, yeah? A lady's gotta stay fit, y'know? Wouldn't have these bad boys if it weren't for them," she said as she lifted her left sleeve and slapped her bicep. Honestly, they aren't all that impressive; they seem to be the same size as mine. But hey, at least she's proud of it, unlike me, right?
"Yeah, sweet noodle arms, jackass. Do you even know what’s in these?"
"Uhhhh.." She put a finger to her lip. "Healthy stuff, I guess? I dunno, dude! My mom told me it was good for me! Plus, it's good as heck!"
"You're eating cow blood, dumbass."
Her eyes widened. "W-What?! Gross! I've been eating those since I was like, five! Blegh!" She sticks her tongue out.
I jumped in. "Actually, there's only about 5% cow blood in each bar, and the rest of it is chocolate, condensed milk, and sugar. If I'm not mistaken, they actually seem to be moving away from the cow blo-"
"Jesus christ, Shubina.. Can't you just play along for onc- Ow!" Ira elbowed his arm hard, causing him to almost lose balance while holding the box of corn puffs. Hehe.. "The hell's wrong with you?! You want me to drop all of this on the floor?!"
"Look, can we just sit down already? I've been getting tired of your guy’s bickering." Ira said, ignoring Vadim's flaks.
"Oooo, someone's a little impatient. Alright alright, follow me!" Marina started marching through the very back row. At this point, somebody would complain about being at the back, especially with how small the screen is, but I think there's a silent agreement between us that we don't want to disturb the lady any longer. That's good, at least.
When I reached my seat, I took off my jacket and laid it over the cushion. Despite it being made of soft material, it's about as hard as the wooden chairs in our classrooms, maybe even more so. It almost feels like concrete every time I sit down without something to soften it..
We all sat down, Ira to my left, Marina to my right, and Vadim by Marina's side. After a grand reveal by Marina, we learned that the movie we're watching is called "Courier." From the description that she gave us, it doesn't seem all that interesting, and to be frank, I don't get why she wanted to hide the title from us.
"Sounds boring," Ira said.
"Well, what if I told you that there's romance in it, hmm?"
"That doesn't..!" In place of finishing her sentence, she instead groans, slightly sinking into her seat with that familiar blush on her cheek. Hehe, it's always a treat every time I get to see Ira embarrassed like this..
The lights dim, and a sequence of movie trailers plays on the small screen, most of it being Russian films and others from foreign countries. It goes on for about twenty minutes.
Amidst this, I wonder, what is Ira thinking right now? Is she bored? No, wait! She must be excited, right? She read all those romance novels I lent her the last time I went to her house with Marina when she was out sick a couple days ago! I still remember the look she had on her face when I gave them to her! It was so cute.. Who’s to say that she wouldn’t be excited for this? No one!
To see if my suspicions were right, I looked to my left, and..
Oh.
She’s sleeping.
I suppose movie trailers aren’t very entertaining to watch, huh? Maybe they should’ve played those Fitil episodes instead. No, wait, I think she would’ve fallen asleep faster if that were to happen..
The lights dim further, signaling that the movie is about to start.
But, as the opening credits start to roll, I feel a sudden weight on the left side of my body.
...
H-Huh?!
I-Ira! She’s.. She’s sleeping on me!
My muscles become stiff, my breathing becomes withheld, and my heart threatens to escape my chest with each pounding beat, causing the movie audio to turn into pure noise.
W-What do I do?! I can’t just wake her up, can I?! What if she didn’t get much sleep last night? She did just come back from being sick, so maybe she hasn’t had much sleep recently! Right! That’s it! That has to be it! I mean, I’d fall asleep too if I had to- wait, no! That still doesn’t change the fact that Ira is literally sleeping on me! Think Asya, think! Maybe Marina can help?
“Marina..!” I quietly shouted.
Marina, who had been throwing corn puffs into her mouth the whole time, turned to me, still chewing. “Hm?” I pointed to Ira, who at this point had begun snoring. Cute! Wait, not cute! Focus, dammit! “Oh my god!” Marina mouthed the words, proceeding to rapidly tap Vadim’s shoulder afterward.
“What do you want..?” he said in an irksome tone.
“Look..!” Huh?! No! Don’t look! Just help me!
“Psh, not surprised..” Vadim went back to watching the movie, sucking on the now-empty bottle of cream soda.
“Hehe, nice..!” She gave me a thumbs up, then went back to watching the movie as she stuffed her face with corn puffs again. Crud.. No one’s taking me seriously..
My eyes look back at Ira. Her chest rises and sinks with every snore. It doesn't seem like she's going to wake up any time soon, even if I try and wake her up..
I sigh.
Looks like I'm stuck like this, huh..?
For our last trip of the day, we went to the Zvezdochka cafe, sitting at the usual corner where Marina, Ira, and I sit, only with Vadim with us this time. As usual, it’s warm, which turns out really helping with how cold it’s been getting. I wish it’d do something about this sore shoulder though..
“So, did ya guys like the movie?” Marina asked.
“I was sleeping,” Ira said.
“Not you, dummy! We knew that already! Man, who knew you were such a heavy sleeper? Vadik here was about to leave with how much you were snoring, haha!”
We didn’t end up telling her that she slept on me throughout the whole thing. It would’ve been too embarrassing for me and her..
“What about you, Aska? Did ya like it?”
“Oh, er..” What am I supposed to say? I wasn’t sleeping like Ira was, but my brain was too distracted with Ira sleeping on me! Not because she was snoring so loud, no, it was much more than that! See, despite her thunderous slumber, she seemed so.. peaceful during it, kind of like a baby! I couldn’t help but watch! Hehe, I wonder what she looked like as a baby..
“Aska?”
Right, the movie! “I-It was good! I liked it!”
“Really? Finally, someone here actually liked it! Unlike these two right here.. I was really disappointed by the end though. Oh well!” She shrugged.
“Y-yeah! Me too..” I feel bad lying to her like this, but at the same time, it’d be unfortunate if she knew that only she actually watched it, right..? Call it a necessary evil if you will.
After that, random conversations about random topics filled the air, all of which were spoken by Vadim and Marina. Those two never seem to run out of things to talk about with each other, huh? I wish I were as skilled as they are when it comes to talking about random things..
I look over to my side, Ira sitting next to me. She’s scooping up large chunks of cake with her fork, quickly gulping them down with little attempts at chewing. Whoa, I never knew someone could eat so fast, let alone Ira.. I wonder what she’s eating..
“Is it good?” I ask.
“Hm? This?” she asked with her mouth still full. I nod, then she swallows. “Yeah. I mean, I like it.”
“It looks quite cute! I like the little flowers on top!”
“Mm, me too..” And now she’s getting flustered again, hehe!
“What is it?” I ask.
“A skazka. You wanna try?”
“Oh, no no! It’s fine!” I wave my hands. “I was just curious.”
“Mkay.” Then, she went back to tearing through her cake, like a bear mauling a piece of a salmon it found in the river. Heh, I can see the similarities!
After finishing her little treat, she grabbed the little cup of sugar by the side of the table and proceeded to dump five spoons' worth of sugar into her teacup. Wow, Marina really wasn’t kidding, huh..? I never took Ira for having sugar teeth, but wow, it's lovely to know!
“Hey, you said you go to the gym, right?” Vadim asked Marina.
“Mhm, and I’m very proud of that fact!”
“Say, how about we have an arm wrestling match, since you’re so strong, huh?”
“Oooo, gladly! Make sure you have the hospital on standby in case I break your arm!”
“Pfft, as if. I’m not about to lose to some chick.”
“Alright alright, whatever you say!” She stands up, going over to the opposite side. “Make way, Aska! Vadik and I are about to have the match of a lifetime!”
“O-oh, okay!” I scooch over to Ira, forcing her to move away with a groan. Sorry..
Marina placed her right elbow on the table, arm standing upright. “Ready when you are!”
Vadik followed suit, his right arm going through the same procedures as he gripped Marina’s hand. “Bring it on, Kaplan.”
Then, after a three-second countdown by Marina, the match begins. At the start, their arms were visibly shaking, showing just how much both sides were struggling to achieve victory.
Or so, that’s what I thought at first. When I looked to check their faces, Marina showed visible strife, her teeth showing and clenched as she made cries of a warrior, eyes narrowed. On the other hand, Vadim’s face showed zero struggle. In fact, he actually looked bored! He even went as far as to yawn! How rude, taunting Marina like that!
The match ends with Vadim effortlessly bringing down Marina’s hand.
“Guh..” Her body slumps over the table. “Fuck..” she pants, catching her breath, “you, asshole..”
He cackles. “Are you sure you’re going to the right gym? Your arms are way too weak, even for a girl.”
“We have one gym in this entire town, dumbass! The hell you think?!” she scowled.
“Woah woah, looks like I hit a nerve there, didn’t I?”
“Ugh, whatever. Ira, you’re u-“
“No way. I’m not about to touch that bastard’s nasty ass hands.”
“Right, should've expected that one..” Marina sighs.
“Please, like she’ll ever win a match against me. All she’s ever good for is throwing chairs at people.”
At that, I suddenly sense a dangerous aura coming from my right side, one emanating with overwhelming fury, disgust, and most of all, hatred.
Uh oh..
Ira sets aside her tea and empty plate, placing her right elbow on the table, bringing her arm upright as a competitive glow masks her face.
“Heh, alright then.” Vadim scooches over to Ira’s side, reaching his arm over to grab onto her hand.
“Ohohoho! It’s really happening!” Marina exclaimed. “Alright, on go! Ready?”
Both didn’t say a word, and instead continued to stare down at each other. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but excitement is arising in me! It’s coursing through my veins at the speed of light!
“Three, two, one..”
You got this, Ira..!
“Go!”
SLAM!
“Eep!” I jumped from my seat, letting out a yelp as Vadim’s hand was slammed in front of me, just barely missing my cup of tea and shaking everything on the table.
Vadim quickly pulled back his hand, holding it with his other as it writhed in pain. “Shit! God, that fucking hurt!” He looks back at Ira, absolutely distraught. “The fuck’s wrong with you?! Are you trying to kill me?!”
“No, but maybe I should’ve.”
"D-dang! That was.. wow.. Do you go to the gym, Ira..?" Marina asks, getting a head shake from Ira. "How are you so strong then..?"
She shrugged. "I don't know? I used to get in fights with random boys in primary school, but that's it."
"Yeah, figures.."
"What was that?"
"N-nothing!" A nervous chuckle came out of her mouth.
W-whoa.. That was scary.. But also really..
Mesmerizing..?
I place a grip over my chest, feeling as if my heart is about to burst through my chest and run away. It must be because of how startled I got when Vadim got his hand slammed, right? Yeah, that must be it..
Probably..
"You wanna give it a go, Aska?" Marina asks with a cheeky grin.
"M-me?! U-um! I don't really-"
"Don't even bother," Vadim jumped in. "This is Shubina we're talking about. Her arm will literally get torn off if you let her get in a match with her."
"Hehe, I know I know! I was just messing with her. Don't worry, Aska!" She pats my shoulder. "You know I wouldn't do that to you, right?"
"R-right, heheh.."
Marina goes back to her seat, sitting next to Vadim as they talked about random stuff again.
If it weren't for Vadim jumping in, I would have actually accepted.
Maybe that was the right call..
From what I can tell through the frost-tinted windows panes, it would seem that our yellow dwarf had run its course, seeing as how the sky had turned into a pitch black. Whether or not the stars are visible today is unknown to me, since I can't exactly see through this frost..
"Welp, I guess that's it for me!" Marina stood up, getting ready to leave as she lazily wrapped her scarf around her neck.
"Ah, yes! I guess it's getting pretty late, huh?" I said.
"Really? I wouldn't say it's that late. I just gotta do some stupid errands for my brother." Right, Marina usually stays way later than this..
"I'll come too. Got nothing else to do." Vadim stood up, fixing up his jacket.
"Ah, walking a lady home during the night? Looks like you finally learned what it means to be a gentleman! Isn't that great, Aska?"
Before I get to answer, Vadim jumps in. "Please. I'd rather take anything than hang out with these two on my own." Hey!
"Ah, so it's simply a matter of hanging out with the person you like. I see I see.." She put on a thinking face, nodding as she placed her chin in between the crook of her thumb.
He sighs. "Just get moving, will you?" He starts pushing his way out with a hand.
"Hey, watch it!" As Marina was being pushed to the door, she looked back at us, waving her hands. "Bye-bye, Aska, Ira! See you guys tomorrow!"
"Ah, bye!" I sent a wave, prompting Ira to do the same, only a bit laid-back compared to mine.
And just like that, they were- wait no, I can still see them through the window! Even though I can only see their silhouettes, I can tell that they're arguing about something, hehe! I wonder about what.. Maybe Marina's poking fun at him again, probably about a childhood memory, and Vadim's hurling different kinds of comebacks at her. Yeah, that might just be the case.
After they walked out of the picture, it was just Ira and me.
"You know, I'm actually glad he came," Ira said out of the blue, mindlessly stirring her cup of tea.
Oh my, is she going through a redemption arc? How exciting! "I know, right? Vadim may not be the nicest during class, but when he's out alone with us, it becomes fun around him! You just have to-“
“No, I still hate his guts,” she interrupted. “I’m talking about how Marina doesn’t have to dump random stories I don’t give a shit about anymore and actually have a conversation with someone.”
Right, I was stupid for thinking that.. Wait, would that mean my conversations with Marina don’t count? I suppose not, huh..? Now that I think about it, I just make little comments that don’t contribute much..
A suffocating silence fills the air between; the only thing alleviating it is the few chatters from the small number of people remaining in the cafe and the sound of a spoon whirling around a cup of tea. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, maybe I should’ve just stayed silent. It was silly of me to think that Ira and Vadim could ever get along, and the fact that she clearly disliked the idea dug deep into my heart, blood containing every bit of shame I have left gushing out of it.
I sigh.
Ira slumps her head onto my shoulder.
“I-Ira?! Uh! Um! Um! W-what ar-“
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was soft, tender.
“H-huh? Oh, no! Don’t apologize! It’s my fault for-“
“Not that.”
“O-oh.. Then, what is it..?”
A pause followed, and I could feel my heartbeats rise.
“They’re still sending me out.”
I look down at my lap, hands laid flat on my thighs.
“Oh..”
“Yeah.”
I see. My own selfishness has convinced Ira to attend school every day, to actually do every bit of school work she has, just so I can spend a little bit more time with her. Yet, even after all that, it all lies useless. Hahaha, how stupid of me, to actually have hope that Ira can stay here in Vorkuta-5 and spend the rest of my school life with her, even though her path had already been set from the very start.
But, rather than feeling despair,
I am content.
If this were me one week ago, despair would be what I’d be feeling. Not for Ira, but for myself. It’s greedy. It’s despicable. It’s disgusting. I would condemn myself because deep down, no matter what I say all of this for, it would all come back to my own selfishness, my avaricious desires to spend my life with Ira Grachevskaya.
But strangely, that’s not what happens.
Maybe it’s because somewhere deep down, in the intrinsic parts of my soul, I knew the inevitability of it. No, that doesn’t seem right.. Maybe it’s because at some point, whether it was during the past two weeks or today, I learned something new, like a valuable lesson of some sort. Yeah, that seems more like it. But, if that’s the case, then what could this “lesson” be that has irreversibly changed my way of thinking?
I don’t know, and all this thinking is getting me nowhere..
But one thing is for sure.
“You don’t have to apologize,” I tell her. Her eyes move to my face, finding a gentle smile. “None of this was your fault, was it?”
“What do you mean? It quite literally is. Don’t the number of absences fully show that?”
Ah, wait, what the heck am I saying? Crud.. I’m so bad at comforting people..
“S-still! I don’t think you should be apologizing!”
Silence ensues, not one of suffocation, but of understanding.
“Okay then," she says.
My muscles relax at that, almost as if those mere words were like fire to my cold heart.
Then, she snuggles closer, causing her arm to touch mine, as the warmth of it pierces through my jacket and uniform.
"If I can't say sorry, then.."
"Thank you."
My eyes widen. "E-eh? F-for what?"
"You, and spending these last few days with me."
…
Ah.
So that's it.
I've always wished that I were someone else. To be as bubbly as Marina. To be as assertive as Vadim. To be as wonderful as Ira. Actually, I'm sure I still do, and I suppose I'll feel that way for a long time, as if it's my nature to do so. Everyone is just as lovely as the previous and next, after all.
But, at the same time, I have now realized that, I am perfectly okay with the person I am today. It's odd, considering how my whole life, I have thought otherwise. But it makes sense, really. The only person who can possibly know everything about me, is myself. Because of that, it wouldn't make sense put yourself through constant deprecation, would it?
It feels serene, having come to this realization, akin to the feeling of watching stars somnolently drift across the stellar sky by yourse.. No.
With someone next to you.
Someone who helped you reach that conclusion.
Ira sighs. "Tolik's probably not going to take it well when he finds out."
"Yeah, you're right. It will be quite lonely once you're gone.."
I was merely speaking for myself, however.
To my confusion, Ira sits back up and lays out her hand on the table, palm facing up. "Here."
"W-what?"
"Write your house number on my hand."
H-huh?!
I blink once at her. Twice. D-did I really hear that right?
"Or not." She puts her hand back by her side, letting out a sigh.
"N-no! Sorry, let me just get my pen!" I dig into my bag, desperately searching for my pen that should take no time finding, but it seems that the surprise got the best of me.
Ira chuckles, putting on a smile as she lays her hand back on the table. "Okay."
After some not-so-quick searching, I finally found a pen. I take off the cap, keep her hand still by holding onto her wrist, and begin writing down each digit with careful precision. The tip glides across her skin smoothly, as if it were just like writing on a piece of paper.
I finish. But, before I can put the cap back on..
She grabs my hand with the one I just wrote on, placing her head back on my shoulder.
Before I can even express my shock, she whispers, "Shh.. Let's just stay like this for a bit, alright..?"
Nervousness goes down my throat.
"Okay.."
At that, Ira intertwines her fingers around my hand, warmth coursing through my arm as it reaches my heart.
It’s warm, gentle, soft.
Like Ira herself.
I lean my head into hers.
We stop in front of my residential building.
"This is yours, right?" Ira asks.
"Mhm."
"Okay. Then, see you."
"Mm, see you.." Then, as she turns around and starts walking, I remember something. "Ah, wait!" She stops and turns, giving me a chance to catch up to her. I reach into my jacket pocket and take something out. "Your scarf! You almost forgot it!"
"Oh.." She grabs it, then looks at it with an inexplicable expression. A smile follows, and instead of taking it back, she starts wrapping it around my neck. "Keep it," she says as she wraps it around my neck.
"E-eh? Um, are you sure..?"
After she finished, she took a look at me, like a painter observing their finished product. Then, she rubs my head with a smile. "I'm sure."
Buh, I'm being treated like a dog again..
When she finished, I had expected her to move along home. But instead, she wraps her arms around my shoulders, pulling me to her chest.
Her heartbeat matches mine.
"I'll call you in a couple days, alright?" she says.
I wrap my arms around her waist, reciprocating the feeling.
"Okay,” I said with a smile.
Would it be wrong to say that I wish to like this forever? Perhaps it would. Everything in this world is finite; nothing truly lasts forever. Yet, that's exactly the beauty of the world. If things were to last forever, memories would no longer be of use, and the remembrance of things is what makes moments like these special.
Still, it doesn't stop me from wishing just that.
Hehe, I truly am a selfish girl, huh?
After some reluctance from both of us, we pull back, staring down at each other with smiles on our faces.
"See you?"
I nod.
"See you."
She turns, back facing towards me, her face and expression hidden.
Yet, I feel as though we have the same look on our faces right now.
I look out into the world.
The snow keeps falling. A feeling unfamiliar to me swells inside me. No, "unfamiliar" isn't right. It's always been there, hidden, right from the moment I met Ira Grachevskaya. Perhaps, this is what they call..
No, don't be silly.
But maybe..
No.
Yeah, you're probably right..
…
This world.
Even though a full year has passed, it still remains as beautiful as ever.
I truly love it.
I pace around the dining room, my heartbeat matching my quicksteps.
She should be calling soon..
Ring ring ring!
Ah!
I hurry my way to the house phone, quickly pulling out the handset from the phone cradle. "H-hello?"
…
"Hey."
Ah, her voice.. How long has it been? Realistically, it's only been five days. However, waiting for this moment felt like weeks, months, years, an eternity. It quickly made me realize just how eager I was.
"You there?"
"O-oh, yes! Sorry, I was just.. spacing out.."
"Spacing out?" She chuckles, a melody to my soul. "About what?"
"Um.. Nothing, really.."
I can hear her sigh through the receiver. "Fine, whatever. Don't tell me. Anyways, you holding up okay?"
"Yes! Very much so!"
"Good, and Tolik?"
"Ah, he seems to be doing fine! Though, Marina kept annoying him when we came over to visit, calling him cute and stuff.."
"Jesus christ, I told her not to do that.."
"B-but don't worry! He had fun with Vadim, so there's that!"
"Hm. Well, I guess that's one thing I can thank him for, huh?"
"You're right! Do you want me to tell him?"
"No," she immediately said. No surprise there.
Ever since Ira moved away, it feels as if a piece of myself was forcefully taken away from me, and I was left yearning for it back. So, to once again talk to her, to have this bit of normalcy back in my life,
That piece of me was brought back, refined.
"So, you've been doing anything lately?" she asked amidst our conversation.
"Yes, actually! It's.."
Wait, should I actually tell her? It's weird and embarrassing, and well, I'm sure Ira is well used to that already, but this one's different! I can't really bring myself to share it with her this time..
"It's..?"
Oh, who am I kidding? Ira would understand!
"R-right! Um.."
"It's a poem!"