Chapter Text
Mike tosses and turns in his bed, unable to soothe his chattering thoughts. During the semester he had been fine, he had been fine and there had been enough on his plate to drown out the sound of the mess that had the tendency to form in his brain whenever there was nothing to do. His first semester as a literature student is almost over now and it had passed faster than any other period in his life. He had been so busy; too be busy to be a good friend to the party, to Will, and too busy to take care of himself and process everything. The more exams were written, the more papers handed in; with the steadily decreasing pressure came a lot more time to realize what he had done. Specifically, what is keeping him up right now, is the thought of how badly he had fucked things up with Will.
He had told him they would be best friends again, had promised to stay close even though they had moved to different cities for college. But Mike, caught up in his own life, had rarely reached out. Rarely picked up the phone when Will called, never sent a postcard even though Will had sent him plenty. Frankly, Mike didn’t know why he was being so difficult about all of this. He knew Will used to have feelings for him, maybe still had. He knew how important it was to Will for Mike to make an effort in this friendship; to not take him for granted. Yet, he never changed his behavior. There was something unknown that he was avoiding, and it always seemed to grow bigger and bigger whenever they we’re talking. The first week of college they had called daily, and even though Mike loved talking to Will it had made him so anxious right after they hung up. After this, their conversations had fizzled out gradually.
About a month ago, Will had called. Will had called and Mike had been home, staring at the phone on his wall, rattling and buzzing. It had to have been Will, but he just couldn’t get himself to reply. He couldn’t take it. The receiver had beeped to indicate a message would be left and Will’s voice had filled his entire room:
“Mike, hey, it’s Will… I hope you’re doing well and life is not too stressful for you out there.”
There was a pause and he cleared his throat, tone a little shaky.
“So, listen… I know you said we could best friends again and I would have really loved that but… Mike, I just need some time. I can’t get over you this way. You call for a week straight and are a really good friend to me, then you ghost me for months with the occasional call. I feel like a dog, waiting for his owner to come home, every time I hear the phone ring. And it’s never you, Mike, it’s never you.
I get it; you’re busy and I don’t blame you. I guess I just… I wanted to tell you not to expect any calls from me from now on and please don’t call me, either. Not that you would, anyway…. But I just needed to say this so I can have some time for myself where I don’t have any expectations for you. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me, but I… I guess I’ll let you know when I’m ready to be your friend again. That’s it. Goodbye, Mike.”
There had been a shaky breath before the line was cut. Mike had jumped to his feet, eyes wide, grabbing the white plastic of the telephone and frantically dialing Will’s number. No answer. He tried again. No answer. He tried a third time and it finally went through but Will hung up immediately before Mike was able to get a word out.
That was it, then. Mike had really fucked it up with Will, with his best friend. Again.
This seemed to be their thing and Mike hated it. They would be really close, Mike would pull away, Will would try harder until they fought and Mike apologized and it would just repeat on and on like this vicious cycle they somehow couldn’t escape. It had been like that when they were still kids; Will setting up all these D&D campaigns for the party and Mike never wanting to play. They had made up and Will left for Lenora. Mike had rarely called, send no letters, spend most of the time inside his head until Will had pulled him out of there, keeping him in check. Every single time Mike had promised they would be best friends again and that he wouldn’t leave. He had even reassured Will after he had come out to all of them - and now? Mike knew Will had never asked for too much, Will had never demanded for Mike to go out of his way for Will, even though he deserved the world. And yet, Mike had failed to deliver, had failed their friendship, had failed Will.
The thoughts consume him as he presses his face into his pillow. He just wants to hear Will’s voice, wants to apologize and hear him forgive. Hear him be his best friend again. Mike lets out a frustrated groan and pushes the covers off him. Without thinking it through, he tiptoes toward the phone on the cold floor, past the alarm clock that’s reading 04:19am. It’s much too late and he knows it. But it’s his sleep deprivation, his buzzing head that leads his fingers to dial the number he has memorized so well.
Mike holds his breath while the phone beeps in painfully slow intervals.
“Hello?”
Will’s sleepy, low voice sends a shock through Mike’s whole system. It’s been too long, way too long and he is vaguely reminded of the countless sleepovers from when they were younger; blankets shared, hushed giggles in the dark, voices thick with sleep when they woke up next to each other.
“Who’s there? Hello?”, Will presses and Mike flinches back into reality.
“Will…”, he says so quietly that it’s almost inaudible even to himself. But Will, of course, catches it.
“Mike?”
Mike is silent. Clearly, he hasn’t thought this through. He hadn’t even figured out what to say, he had simply been overcome by the overwhelming need to hear Will’s voice.
“Mike, is everything okay? Do you know what time it is?”, Will asks, voice a little shaky.
“Yeah, no, it’s-“, Mike stammers, “Everything is fine, Will. No worries. I’m sorry for calling so late.”
“Well then, why are you calling?”, Will demands, and Mike can almost see his raised eyebrows through the phone. He pictures Will’s face, the way he would look at him if they were to be face to face, hair tousled adorably from sleep, crinkled pajamas and maybe even a light stubble on his chin.
“Uhm, I-… I couldn’t sleep and I kept thinking of you and I’m… I guess I could’ve waited until the morning, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry, Will. I’m sorry for everything.”
“Mike. I’ve heard countless apologies from you; you need to be more specific. What are you sorry for?”, Will replies and Mike cannot really make out the tone of his voice, but he doesn’t seem annoyed or angry, so he just continues,
“I’m sorry for not calling you. I’m sorry for not sending you postcards or pictures or letters or anything. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up the phone that day. I regretted it immediately and I tried to call you back, as you know, but it was too late. And I get it, shit, Will, I would be fed up with me too if I were you, believe me. I get it. I just need you to know that I’m sorry and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I can’t just be a good friend to you. I mean-… It used to be so easy but I’m… I feel like I’m overthinking things and then I shut you out. I shouldn’t have done that; I should have kept talking to you. I should have called you back again and I should have insisted.”
It’s quiet for a moment and he hears Will sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.
“It’s… fine, Mike. I was so angry when you called back right away, you know? Because that meant you had heard the phone ring, you were home for fuck’s sake, and you just didn’t want to talk to me for whatever reason. And, apparently, you still haven’t figured it out. You don’t know why you keep pushing me away and why you can’t be a proper friend to me but I’m honestly tired of it all. It’s really fine, Mike, do whatever you need to do and figure it out. You can call me when you know, but before that please don’t contact me.”
Mike opens his mouth to reply but the disconnect tone is already ringing in his ears, the phone slowly slipping out of his hand and dangling from where it’s attached on the wall.
He knows Will is right, he needs to figure out what the fuck is wrong with him. And something in him, despite the shock of it all, appreciates how Will has learned to set boundaries with him. Usually, Mike would apologize and be forgiven instantly. It had always been easy because, Mike knows, Will cares so much about him. But Will is breaking the cycle, finally fed up with Mike’s empty apologies and reoccurring jerk-behavior. And Mike cannot blame him.
He knows, it’s all his fault. He knows. But there are tears stinging in his eyes and he calls Will again, because how the hell is he supposed to figure this out on his own? He calls again, and again, and again, and again, until Will picks up.
“Mike. Let it go. It’s almost morning, you should sleep. Why can’t you do as I ask and not call me?”
Mike swallows, voice coming out as a pathetic croak, “Will. Will, I can’t lose you. I can't-” The tears that have been burning in his eyes impatiently, finally roll down his cheeks in fat, slow, drops.
Will sighs, his voice softer now, “Mike… Hey, Mike don’t-… You’re not losing me, okay? You could never lose me. I just need some time, really. And you need to figure your shit out; you know you do. We’ll see each other again and we’ll call again someday, but you need to hang up the phone, Mike. Okay?”
Mike sniffs and he feels silly, trying to bite back the tears as he grips onto the phone for dear life. Big boys don’t cry, he’s a grown man for heaven’s sake; this shouldn’t be making him as upset as it does. But the tears are flowing now and it’s just too much work to stop himself. “Promise…? Promise me, Will.”
“Mike…”, Will exhales and there is a sad smile to his voice, “I promise. You won’t lose me. I love you; you know that. I need to get over you but that doesn’t mean I won’t ever come back to you. It just means, we’ll both come back to each other when we can finally have a stable friendship. You’re not losing me, Mike, never.”
A desperate warmth spreads from Mike’s chest, over his arms, to his fingertips, and up his throat. “S-say it again, please.”
“What? That you won’t lose me?”, Will asks, confused.
“No, that… that you love me.” Embarrassment shoots up inside of him but it’s too late and he’s too tired and he just really needs to hear it from Will, needs to hear him say it over and over. Nothing happens for a few beats, and he can only hear Will’s breathing which is weirdly calming, even if it’s just over the phone.
“Mike, you know I do. I told you. This shouldn't be new for you...”, Will deflects.
“Please.”
“You’re insufferable, you know that?”, Will whispers, “I... I love you. And I’ll hang up now. Please don’t call again, Mike, I can’t do this. Sleep tight.”
Indeed, Will hangs up for the second time tonight, leaving Mike standing in the hallway of his room, feeling confused and small. He just stands there, no concept of time, until he finally manages to place the phone back in its cradle. Mike drags himself back to bed, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling. He feels weirdly assured; he trusts Will when he says they’ll come back to each other but it just really fucking sucks to wait. He drifts into a restless sleep eventually, haunted by Will’s sleepy voice and its promises.