Chapter Text
2011
Buck
---
If Buck was honest, he's known for years.
The first signs started showing up when he was a kid. Maddie was so excited to finally have a little sister. She would put him in dresses, made him play with her dolls, invited him to her tea parties. She started putting makeup on him at some point. And even back then, it felt wrong and he hated every single second of it. He'd rather play with Lego's or play with the boys from next door, but nevertheless he put up with it. Because it made Maddie happy, and that's all that mattered. Making her happy, making his parents happy.
He honestly tried his best, but no matter what he did, he always felt like he didn't belong in this world. Like he had to pretend he was someone he was not. It made him feel weak. Everyone else around him was handling life so much better than he did. And no matter what he did or how he acted, he still never felt as if he was made to be on this earth. He behaved like the perfect kid and his parents still acted like they hated them, like he did something wrong. So he started acting out, trying to get attention and love that way, but his parents didn't hate him any less.
Things really fell apart when Maddie left to be with Doug. It only got worse from there on. He dropped out of his first year of college because he simply could not care anymore and he stopped acting ladylike to please and entertain Maddie because well, Maddie wasn’t around anymore, and all this only angered his parents more. When he got the motorcycle his parents told him off for being too boyish, said that he should act more like a well-behaved young woman instead of a guy.
"No daughter of ours will leave the house on a motorcycle," his dad had yelled. But when Buck yelled back that maybe he was their son instead of their daughter, his mom broke down for a reason that Buck to this day still didn’t understand and kicked him out. So, Buck stuffed the most important things he owned into the biggest backpack he could find, got on his motorcycle and left. He drove as far south as he felt like, and after making several stops along the way, eventually ended up in El Paso, Texas.
Buck used some cash to stay in a motel and got a job at some minigolf course. It wasn't anything special, but it paid the bills. Eventually, he managed to save up for a small apartment in the middle of nowhere. It might've not been much, but it was a safe home to him. The first he had in a long, long time. When he got settled he even decided to send Maddy some postcards, to update her on his new life here.
Life got better after a while. He actually enjoyed his job and no one told him off for dressing too "boyish" anymore. It was Texas, so even all the girls walked around in jeans and a flannel shirt. He was still uncomfortable in his own skin, but it was not even close to how bad he felt in Pennsylvania. He made a few friends, some girls, some boys. A few guys flirted with him, but Buck wasn't that interested. He could not imagine dating someone when he felt like this, whatever this was. Buck worked and worked, got himself some upgrades for his home, even bought a couch at some point.
One particularly sunny-but-not-too-hot day, Buck sat outside the golfshop, trying to enjoy the weather a bit. While he sat on one of the chairs outside of the shop, a family of five sat down on one of the picknick tables next to him. A mom, dad, two daughters and a son. He heard them bickering about who would win this time, and he heard the girls tease the boy about how he always lost from them. At first Buck chuckled a bit, but that smile quickly faded away when he heard the father made a snide comment to the son about how a real man would've learned to win. The degrading way the father talked to his child hurt Buck in ways he thought he'd put away forever. When the son walked into the golfshop to collect their clubs, Buck quickly walked back in after him.
"I'll help this one Mark," he said to his boss as Buck walked up to the counter. "You go and eat your dinner."
"Hi, welcome at Mark's Minigolf where you can Fore-get your troubles and have fun!" Buck greeted the guy. God, Buck was starting to get sick of that joke. "How can I help you today?"
The guy chuckled at that cheesy joke and Buck noticed his brown eyes light up. “I’m here with my family, they’re just outside. Can I get five clubs please?” the guy asked.
“Five clubs, coming right up,” Buck said as he turned around, grabbing them from the basket behind the counter. “And which names can I write down on the score form?”
“Helena, Ramon, Adriana, Sophia and Edmundo.”
“I’m guessing you’re Edmundo?” Buck asked while he wrote down the names.
“Yeah, but most just call me Eddie.”
“Well Eddie, I’m Emma, and I just heard your sisters talk smack about you outside, so I’mma give you some secret employee tips on how you can beat them.”
A few days after he and his family came golfing, Eddie Diaz came back with the excuse that he was looking for some lost sweater, and he left with Bucks phonenumber. And that’s how Buck, known as Emma at the time, met Eddie.
❀
Buck and Eddie became close. Closer than Buck ever could’ve imagined. It was scary at first, hell, it was scary the whole way through. But it also felt nice. And maybe safe, even. Buck never really let himself fall in love with someone before, he was too uncomfortable with himself to even consider loving someone else. But with Eddie it came so naturally. Holding his hand felt nice, cuddling up to him felt safe and warm. Their first kiss, Bucks first kiss in general, was how it should be. A little awkward, but mostly just fun. Everything they did was fun. Even when they had sex after a few months of dating, they mostly just had fun. Buck didn’t hate it, and his body, during it as much as he thought. But he was certain it was because he did it with Eddie. And Eddie made everything feel okay.
Until it wasn’t okay anymore.
They had been careful, but apparently not careful enough. So when Bucks period was late and the test came back positive, he broke down. This was the absolute last thing he wanted to happen. He was so, so scared when he told Eddie. He was convinced Eddie would be mad, but Eddie wasn’t. Eddie was scared and afraid, but he wasn’t mad.
Eddie’s parents, however, were furious. Eddies parents never liked Buck. They always criticised him for dressing too manly, for not acting like a girl. They wanted Eddie to find someone else, preferably a girl from church, and were not subtle about that. So when they heard that Eddie got Buck pregnant, things did not exactly go well. Ramon practically dragged them to the courthouse the second he found out. It was already a nightmare that his son had gotten a girl pregnant, but he was not going to let people think it happened out of wedlock, even though it very much did. So, Eddie and Buck got married when they were just 19 and 20. Not out of love, even though they loved each other so, so much. But out of hate, because Eddie’s father would disown Eddie otherwise.
Buck and Eddie moved into an apartment together and things were okay. Not great, or fun. Just okay. The weight of reality slowly crushed them both. Eddie was growing distant and Buck felt the hate for his body grow stronger and stronger. It was horrible. Everyone congratulated them when they made the pregnancy public, but Buck was far from happy. He loved the child, but hated the fact that he was the one carrying the kid. It felt wrong on every level. Like he wasn’t made to do this.
And there it was again, the feeling of not belonging, of being in the wrong place. Of being in the wrong body, to be more precise. He tried to accept it and when that didn’t work he tried to push it down, just so he could live with it. But nothing helped and things just got worse and worse. Buck had heard of this, feeling like you’re born in the wrong body. But every time he tried to learn about it, he shut down. It felt too close to home. He was scared that if he’d keep reading about it, it’d become a reality.
Even though it already was.
❀
Christophers birth was traumatic for many reasons. For starters, Buck felt extremely guilty for bringing a life into this world that wasn’t really wanted or wished for. He knew what that was like, and he felt like shit for doing that to his kid too. Second of all, Christopher suffered a lack of oxygen during the birth, and that resulted in Cerebral Palsy, which only made feel Buck worse. Even though he couldn’t do anything about it, he felt like he had failed his kid twice before he was even born. And third of all, giving birth solidified it for Buck. He was trans. His body never felt more wrong as it did while giving birth. He was not meant to do this. He loved his son, he truly did. But when he got to hold Christopher, the only thing he could do was cry. How could he have failed this sweet, perfect kid within the first minutes of his life?
Things got worse when Eddie left for Afghanistan. Buck knew it was not the case, but he still felt like Eddie had left him personally. Life got rough. Caring for a newborn was exhausting on its own, but when you had your in-laws hovering over you and criticising every little thing you did, it only could go downhill. And feeling like throwing up when someone called him “mom” didn’t help. The loneliness was a lot. And the new found revelation made things even worse. He researched, cried and then researched some more. He felt like he finally found a name for the thing he had been feeling his whole life, but he also realised that there was no way back anymore.
He hoped that things would get better when Eddie came home. He planned on telling Eddie how he felt. Things changed between them, but Eddie was still his everything, the place where he felt safest. So Buck figured it would be okay. That they would be okay. So, a few days after Eddie got home, Buck asked if they could talk when they put Chris to bed.
“What did you want to talk about Em?” Eddie asked as he sat down. Chris finally fell asleep after an hour of trying to get him to calm down.
Buck took a deep breath. He prepared for this. He thought about what he wanted to say and how to say it. But now that the moment was here, fear took over. What if Eddie was going to leave him? He couldn’t imagine a life without Eddie, it would kill him. But keeping on living like this… It was getting worse and worse every day. It would probably kill him too.
“I discovered something recently,” Buck started quietly, staring out the window. “If I’m completely honest, I’ve suspected it for a while. But I only faced it once I became pregnant and, uh, the whole giving birth thing solidified it for me.”
Great, he was still dancing around it.
“What are you saying?” Eddie sighed, slightly annoyed.
Buck knew he was just tired. Eddie only got back a few days ago and taking care of Chris hadn’t been easy on him. So Buck knew it wasn’t personal.
But it still hurt.
“Fuck, I’m trying here Mundo,” Buck snapped, but then pulled himself together and took a deep breath. “Ever since I was a kid, I felt like-”
“Emma, what? Just cut to the chase, this rambling is exhausting,” Eddie interrupted with a deep sigh.
“I’m trans,” Buck blurted out, his eyes flickering to Eddies in fear. “I’m- I’m trans. I feel – no – I am a man.”
It looked like all the colour in Eddies face just disappeared. “I’m sorry. What?”
“Ever since I was a kid I- I felt like I didn’t belong. When I got older I discovered that I specifically felt like I didn’t belong in this body. When I got with you, it died down a little, cause everything felt just right. Being with you felt right no matter what. But the whole pregnancy? Giving birth? Eddie that was horrible. It felt absolutely awful. I felt like I was trapped in a body that wasn’t mine, having to do something I wasn’t meant to do. And don’t get me wrong, I love Christopher. I adore him. I really, really do. He’s a really great kid. That’s not it. But I am trans. I know this might be a lot. And I know some people don’t get it. Hell, a lot of people won’t get it, we live in fucking Texas. But I just… I hope you get it.”
Eddie stayed quiet for a little while and Buck hoped the ground would swallow him whole.
“Are you absolutely sure about all… this?” Eddie then asked. “That… that you’re a man?”
“Yes,” Buck said, confidently for the first time. “Yes I am.”
❀
Things were okay for a few days. They didn’t really talk about what it meant, or how they would continue. Buck noticed that Eddie was a bit more distant than usual, but he chalked it up to Afghanistan. He couldn’t let himself think about the alternative.
But then Eddie came home from errands one day and dropped the figurative bomb. “I can’t do this. I’m not gay,” he said, almost angrily. “And I signed up for another tour. I’m leaving in two weeks.”
At that, Bucks world collapsed again. He begged and he pleaded, because this time he was sure it was personal, that Eddie was leaving him specifically. But Eddie had his mind made up. He told Buck that he was fine with whatever Buck wanted and that he would support him, but he could not be here for it.
Buck tried to stay, he really did. But with Eddie gone again, Chris became more of a reminder of his own failure than that Chris brought him joy. A reminder that he lost the love of his life. Because that is what Eddie was – is - to Buck. His first, his last and his always. And now, whenever he looked at Chris, and noticed that he had Eddies eyes, Buck got an emptiness in his chest that felt like it was going to eat him alive. So he started avoiding looking at Chris’s eyes. And that is the last thing Buck wanted. He did not want to start resenting his own son for things that the boy could do absolutely nothing about. Because that’s what his parents did to him, and it broke him.
So, the next day, Buck cleaned the house as spotless as possible. He tried to keep himself together while he went through their stuff, looking for things to bring to wherever he was going. He tried to leave as much as possible behind, he know it would only hurt him in the long run, but he took two photos. One of him and Eddie, and one of him and Chris. He packed his own bag and a bag for Chris, before making one last round through his soon to be old house.
❀
Mundo,
I am so, so sorry. But I can’t do this anymore. Every time I look at Chris, I see you and god, I miss you so much. I feel like I failed you over and over again. First I got pregnant, then I realised I was trans and now I am leaving our kid. I am so sorry, but it’s just too much and I need to run. I need to run before I become like my father, before I fuck up and damage our kid beyond repair. I don’t want him to turn out like me, he deserves better than that. I know it isn’t fair to you at all, to leave him like this, with your parents. I know and understand that you’ll probably hate me. It’s up to you what you want to tell Chris, do whatever you think is best. He’s so young, I’m pretty sure he won’t even remember me. Even though I will never, ever forget him. He’s a great kid. And I hope that by leaving now, it will stay that way. I love him more than you think.
I don’t exactly know where I’m going yet. Probably back up to Pennsylvania, looking for Maddie. Or maybe I’ll head towards Florida. I’ll figure it out.
I love you Chris. Please stay just as you are.
And I love you Eddie. You’re forever my entire mundo. But I get why you couldn’t love me back. I hope you’ll find an amazing woman who loves you the way you deserve.
I’m sorry.
- Emma