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“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
Crissi Jami.
The second time the concept of vulnerability really struck Hotchner right in the face was when the enigma of a twenty-two-year-old Doctor Spencer William Reid walked through the doors of the BAU.
He had shut the door as soon as Doctor Reid stepped into his view, boxing himself and Gideon into his office. Aaron was gonna kill this man for bringing a child– a twenty-two-year-old adult who could drive or drink, but still a child in his eyes –into their team, into his team of professional profilers who saw the worst of humanity almost every single day of their lives.
“What the hell did you do?” Aaron may or may not have growled at Jason, who calmly sat in the chair in front of his desk.
“He's great,” Gideon said, either ignoring or not hearing Hotch. Aaron forced himself to take deep and even breaths, shoving the emotions away to be dealt with later. He hated it when Jason pulled shit like this. He knew that Jason was the better and more social profiler, but it irked him when he forced people into Aaron's safe space. “Kid's got two PhDs right now. One more dissertation and he'll have his third by the end of the week.”
“He looks like he should be home rearranging his Legos and eating Spaghetti-Os,” Hotch deadpanned.
They watched Reid take a couple of steps further into the pen and bump into a desk, knocking over all of the papers and pens. He awkwardly waved at Morgan– who simply raised an eyebrow at the mess –before bending down to pick up everything. Of course, once everything was back on the table, the leads witnessed the young doctor hit his head twice on the bottom of the table in two separate attempts to stand up.
Jason twirled his thumbs. “He's really a smart kid, Hotch. I know he doesn't look like much but just have a conversation with him. Having Reid on the team would be kind of like having a walking computer, except this one is charged by sugar and Adderall.”
Hotch stared at him.
Gideon stared back.
“He reminds me of you, Hotch,” Gideon said softly. “Reid's got chops but his social skills? None to speak of. He's awkward and clumsy. Dependent on praise from authority figures. He needs routine to function. There are all these rules he made as a child that he follows down to a tee.” Gideon paused. “But despite all that, he's also kind and smart. He's loyal and has a strong belief in his morals. If that's not enough for this team, I don't know what is.” Jason smiled. “Think of having Spencer around as practice for the future.”
Aaron thought of his wife at home, setting up the nursery for their unborn child. Haley had been working on a gender neutral room for the baby, and had been recently buying things with that in mind. They didn't know what sex the child would be– yet –but she still wanted to prepare the crib and shelves. If not that, then she was getting the things ready for Aaron to build as soon as he got home.
He could imagine Haley's whispers under her breath, trying out the name like she did every time she heard a new one. He always acted like he never heard her, lest he earn a light smack on the arm and an undignified, “Aaron!” when he laughed at the genuine consideration of some truly awful names.
‘Spencer,’ she would say, rolling the words around her mouth. Haley would absentmindedly draw pictures and doodles on her arm as she considered the name. ‘Spencer Hotcher.’
Gideon placed a file on Hotch's desk, bringing him back to focus on the subject at hand. He offered a smile at Aaron's scowling face, the absolute asshole. The older agent was lucky Aaron was very good at self-control. Otherwise… well, the idea of punching Jason did sound particularly cathartic. He wasn't above hitting friends for making stupid decisions. Granted, that was usually things like buying expensive jewelry that they couldn't afford or hitting on a married woman. But he digressed.
“He's amazing, Hotch. I truly believe that he would be a great addition to the team.” Aaron reached out for the file, pulling it closer to himself before starting to read. He trusted Gideon's judgement but they were profilers. It was by nature of the job for some part of the profile to be wrong.
PERSONNEL RECORD
1. PERSONAL
Name: Reid, Spencer William
Telephone: (702) 555 - 0103
Date of Birth: October 28, 1981
Jesus. Aaron was probably in high school by the time the young doctor was born. Jason would have already graduated college by the time Reid's mother gave birth to him. How the hell did this kid almost have three PhDs when he should still be working to get his bachelor's degree? Hotch skipped over the medical information, moving towards the education section of the form to verify Gideon's claims.
4. EDUCATION
Course Title: Ma 110 abc Real and Complex Analysis
Name of School or Organization: Caltech
Address: 1200 E. California Blvd., Pasadena, CA 91125
Year completed: 1997
Course Title: Ma 120 abc Abstract Algebra
Name of School or Organization: Caltech
Address: 1200 E. California Blvd., Pasadena, CA 91125
Year completed: 1997
Course Title: Ma 151 abc Topography and Geography
Name of School or Organization: Caltech
Address: 1200 E. California Blvd., Pasadena, CA 91125
Year completed: 1997
He decided to not read further in the courses Reid had studied at Caltech, considering six whole pages were dedicated to it. He recognized the course requirements for a PhD when he saw one. Although, to satisfy his curiosity, he noted that most of the courses listed were completed between 1997 and 1998. The few outliers were in 1996; that was likely the undergrad requirements he was completing.
Which– goddamn. Impressive.
He scanned the other pages quickly, seeing the additional doctorates in chemistry and engineering, as well as the BAs in both psychology and sociology. The list was extensive; many of the subjects stuck to science and were logic based, but there were a few ‘extra’ classes sprinkled in. It amused Hotch slightly to see the occasional Russian, English, and– surprisingly --biblical literature. The most interesting course he found in the file was for philosophy.
No, to say that the doctor was overqualified for the job was an understatement. The only thing the kid was missing was a former career in any sort of law enforcement. Based on his degrees, he would get along with their new hire Garcia, too. Which, Hotch believed, was truly impressive; the woman was a very good judge of character when she wanted to be. Aaron didn't need to read any more of the file to determine what kind of man Doctor Spencer Reid would be.
Instead, Hotch spoke to Jason to make him understand why he was objecting despite Reid's overqualifications. He knew that the kid wouldn't deliberately put the team at risk. He knew that Gideon was a damn good judge of character. But getting Aaron to trust his judgement was a whole nother issue that they needed to deal with.
“The problem isn’t whether or not he would be helpful.” There was a knock on the door. The agents ignored it. “The problem is the fact he looks like he should be in school. Not out on the field, where we have to trust him to be able to take down an unsub twice his weight and be able to handle extreme amounts of stress. My worry is if we'll be able to rely on him. I mean, would Morgan be able to trust him? Would you?”
Gideon nodded slowly, eyes wandering to the door. Hotch followed his gaze, curious at what could be distracting the other agent. Oh. Reid was outside the door, fiddling with his oversized messenger bag and staring at the door. He smiled once he realized he was being stared at, and gave a nod to Gideon. He avoided eye contact with Aaron, making a pang in the agent's chest. He didn't want to already scare the kid out of the job.
“You're worried about him,” Jason decided out loud, turning his attention to the man on the other side of the desk. Hotch continued to watch the kid rock back and forth on his heels, waiting for an invitation inside. “You're worried that you'll treat him a certain way or even get attached to someone like–” he waved his hands around “--that.”
“Clumsy, you mean?”
Gideon laughed. “Yeah, that was the word I was looking for.” Jason stood up, and Aaron followed suit. He gave up on convincing the other agent. Gideon was too headset on having this young and bumbly puppy-dog of an agent tag alongside the team. “Reid's a great kid. Just let him get comfortable and you'll see.”
Aaron wasn't as much of an asshole as people liked to think he was, so he listened. He let Reid through the door and tried his best to not make any judgements. Hotchner listened to the extensive rants as they grew more and more frequent, learning when to redirect Spencer's attention and when to cut them off. His office cup gained trinkets sent to him from Las Vegas during Reid's visits to his mother.
And from there, their friendship bloomed.
Over time, Hotch learned that Reid was a very good listener. He never took notes, yet he memorized every piece of information that Aaron offered. The doctor let Hotch take lead on the cases involving child abuse, always giving him space when hard decisions had to be made. He offered condolences when times were hard. He brought fresh food when Haley and Aaron took time off work to set up the house and sent so, so many gifts when Jack was born.
And Aaron loved it.
So he tried to open up with Reid. He tried to remember the information the doctor oh-so-freely provided. He tried recommending books that he enjoyed, knowing that Spencer would profile the hell out of the Hotch and the interaction. He tried to share pieces of wisdom and praise when it was clear Reid needed a pick-me-up. He tried to cut back on his office hours once he figured out that Reid was staying until his bosses had left. He tried, and tried, and tried with Reid.
Because wasn't that a part of being vulnerable?