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It’s been six months and it’s still fresh on his mind. It’s like that pest that won’t leave him alone and it continues to haunt his every dream and everyday life. Koori Ui is no longer the same person from four years ago. If somebody were to ask what has happened during those four years it’s more than likely he won’t be able to answer. It’s not so much that he refuses to give an answer. Maybe it’s more along the lines of he just don’t know.
His sense of justice for humanity has grown over the years. It’s stronger than ever before but at the cost of his mental state. The promotion has given him so many perks, including being the squad leader to the S1 squad. That’s fine and all but Koori is most certainly not prepared for the allotted stress that comes from it. It’s like he lost himself somewhere. Does he even know himself anymore? So much has happened in the span of four years. Koori himself is not even sure if he will be able to keep up with himself anymore.
Four years later he supervises the Rose investigation, a huge responsibility for a newly promoted investigator.
Four years later he’s questioning his superiors when he is informed that a group of “half ghouls” will be working with the investigators, their mentor being the infamous eye-path ghoul.
Four years later he’s forced to work with said ghoul while being fully aware of threat he really poses, the peculiarity of it being that nobody, not even Arima seems to be affected by it.
Four years later he is given command over the Tsukiyama family invasion.
Four years later he suffers a major lost, including the operation itself.
Four years later his position as the “hope for the Arima squad” squad is all but shattered.
Four years later Koori is at his breaking point. All it takes is one more blow before he’s finally pushed over the edge. All he can do is pray that day never comes. He is already scared of himself, especially the man that stands on the other side of the mirror. Koori tends to relieve stress by spending time alone and away from work. Karaoke, going to restaurants, horse riding, among other activities. It’s those things that brings a smile upon his lips and gives him a sense of calm. Unfortunately Koori was forcefully left alone as the world took somebody away from him. Somebody he held dear to his heart, even if she didn’t know the true extent of his feelings.
The mellon bread I ate with Hairu is delicious.
Hey senpai. Wanna play our favorite game?
Hey you messed up. Start over!
Senpai about the upcoming raid…there’s something I want to tell you.
Hairu wait! Let me go first. Here’s something I must tell you before we hit the battlefield.
As much as Hairu use to annoy him Koori could never find it in his heart to say that he never enjoyed the moments he spent with her. In fact some of his fondest memories are with Hairu. Her bubbly nature that’s fully equipped with her absentmindedness, which was oddly cute to him. Koori realized his feelings for her during a time that couldn’t be more perfect. Unfortunately, it was too late to tell her.
She left this world too soon on that horrible night over the lunar eclipse. Her body lays cold on the floor, mutilated and left to rot in a blood soaked corridor riddled with more lifeless bodies.
Life is so cruel to him as he’s faced with the painful reality that he won’t be able to see her beautiful face one last time. Not even a head in place where he can give her a proper goodbye kiss. As much as Koori likes to spend time alone the moment he’s forced to be alone it’s not as exciting. In fact loneliness absolutely horrifies him and he would do anything not to feel this emptiness.
It’s been six months since that night and everything has gone from bad to worse. Is that even possible one might ask but for Koori Ui it is his reality. His failure has not gone unnoticed by his fellow investigators. He’s no longer trusted to take command over mission, not even small scale operations. His credibility is as fickle as his ability to get a good night’s sleep without a nightmare.
He’s no longer able to walk through the halls without the whispers echoing around him. He’s not entirely sure what they are saying and he didn’t need to. Koori is too astute to play dumb. He knows exactly what they are saying and to be quite frank he agrees with them. He will proudly announce it to the world. That’s what they want after all.
I’m such a failure. I should’ve died that night…
“Koori my boy ~ !”
He’s snapped out of his thoughts when he looks up in response to that all too familiar voice.
“Special class Mougan. How may I help you?”
He stands up straight, feigning confidence as they stand only a few feet from each other. “Did you not get the memo my boy? There’s a meeting of the special classes in ten minutes. I’m heading there now.” Koori stands there in stunned silence, eyes are widening upon realizing he has completely forgotten about their meeting. “U-Uh yes! That’s right…um…I’m coming with you!”
He is immediately turning on his heel, his back now facing Mougan as he starts walking away, the sound of footsteps, belonging to Mougan reaching his ears from behind. He walks towards the director’s office in silence as he’d rather not give him any indication that something is bothering him. He’s tired of wearing his emotions on his chest as it is obviously asinine to think that showing his emotions would do anything to fix whatever’s broken. Whether he cries of wears his stern face with pride nothing will stop the constant bullying, especially from that bastard. He stands in front of the door, where he suddenly stops. Mougan looks over to him, those eyes of curiosity also expressing concern.
“Is everything okay?” He cautiously asks, his question forcing Koori out of another morbid dream sequence. “Let’s go inside. We don’t want to be late right?” Mougan didn’t get a good feeling out of his blank response but there’s no time to ask further. Koori walks towards the long table, his eyes darting across the room until landing on the table where all but the Washuu and Arima were present. He sees Sasaki, oh looks like Arima is sitting out of this one too. He’s hit with a wave of nostalgia when his gaze locks on the newly promoted ghoul investigator and while he’s still bitter about it at this point he just can’t bring himself to care anymore. At least he can say ‘I told you so’ once Sasaki stabs them all in the back with his kagune.
That’s what ghouls do after all. Humans mean nothing to them but their nutritional value.
“Good morning special class. I would like to thank everyone for arriving on time. Please excuse my tardiness. I was busy with some other matters. Now that we are all here shall we get started? There’s so much that needs to be discussed in regards to our upcoming mission to take down Aogiri.”
Koori jolts when he hears the sound of the door closing and an echoing voice. He immediately looks over his shoulder to follow the authorative voice just to see Yoshitoiki and Matsuri Washuu making their presence known when the two sit directly across each other.
The investigators, including Koori stand to bow to Director Yoshitoki Washuu out of respect for their superior. Koori, on one end happens to be a little too enthusiastic about giving him his respect, which does not cause any alarm for the young hope. Of course he highly respects the Washuu family as they are a symbol of justice and hope for humanity. He may not be on good terms with his son Matsuri and his father Tsuneyoshi may scare the hell out of him but Yoshitoki will always have his upmost respect, on and off the job.
Besides, it’s always been that way right?
This is nothing new for the young investigator. There has always been this feeling of admiration that restores the hope that has suffered atrophy following the events of the Tsukiyama raid. Obviously there’s no reason for him to go off into a panic over his conflicting feelings since it is perfectly normal for an investigator to put their superiors on a pedestal but for some reason Koori cannot shake this feeling that his life won’t be the same once this meeting is over.
“Finally the end of the fight with Aogiri tree is drawing near.” Yoshitoiki takes the initiative and gives them a quick overview of the current situation and their next course of action. Koori, meanwhile is going in and out of indifference but there’s no denying that he can listen to him talk all day without a hint of boredom. There’s some bickering on the side from Sasaki and Matsuri but he didn’t care. It’s not any of his business and maybe if he thinks about it hard enough those will disappear forever and everything will be okay again. Actually would be too much to make them all disappear? All except Yoshitoki of course since his voice soothes his soul. Why? Well he may never know. Maybe it’s just a silver lining to his otherwise shit life.
Sasaki stands up to give his report and Koori tries his hardest not to roll his eyes. After what he saw him doing on that roof and his recent promotion he’d rather keep his distance. To say that he hates him would be a little too cruel, especially when Arima harbors nothing but respect for the half ghoul. The relationship they have can easily resemble that of a father and son bond. Koori himself deeply respects Arima and that shall never change. He was the one to train him and shape him into the man he is today. The young hope would never tarnish his relationship just because he’s currently at odds with his current student due to some personal complications. Contrary to whatever his personal feelings say about him Sasaki is the reason they have a major lead on Aogiri. They’d be running around like beheaded chickens without his intervention.
“Rushima…” Koori raises an eyebrow when Mougan starts to speak. “When I was young, my father and I used to ignore the no-entry signs and bathe in sea.” Leave it to Mougan to throw in a trivial comment to set the mood. He tries his hardest not to laugh because the man can be such a character sometimes. Luckily he gathered some humor out of a dull and an unfortunate setting because albeit a random comment, it really helped his mood greatly.
I guess it won’t hurt to crack a sm-
“Noro’s defeat during the Rosewald operation was the silver lining of an otherwise unfortunate situation.”
Never mind. I am such a fool for thinking I can be happy. The world hates me so much and wants to remind me every single day. Thanks special class Matsuri! I really needed that because I almost forgot that I, Koori Ui am not allowed to move on. I am not allowed to be optimistic and find peace in my recent failure. Whoops I should have known he would bring it back up. He’s been doing it for the past six months after all.
“Even though Tsukiyama escaped, wouldn’t you say that the value of the operation surely stems from this accomplishment?”
“…”
Koori scoffs and it’s taking everything not to jump across the table and beat Matsuri’s face in. It’s not so much that the Washuu bastard is opening old wounds but to actually rub it in his face that he failed the operation, his operation. How can somebody be so heartless? Did Matsuri hate him that much because of Arima? What did he ever do to the man to deserve this? What did he do be dealt such an atrocious hand?
He hears voices but Koori no longer hears what is said and where and who it’s coming from. He has already checked out from reality and he patiently waits for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. So far the ground remains and he sits there, lost in his thoughts as he tries to sit there, face blank and mouth tightly pressed into a thin line. His body language says one thing but his mind is saying something entirely different.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Was that his voice just now? What even can he think of himself at this point? Every single day he walks into that building holding the ‘hero of justice’ close to his chest. That’s something he lives by with all his pride and right now he was is not thinking straight. His mind is like a broken puzzle that’s tainted in poison, corroding and corrupting the bundle of nerves holding his every thought. His image of justice is falling apart and all he’s left with is the image of a man that’s at his breaking point because the world won’t stop testing him. There’s no way he can live as a hero of justice when he’s fantasizing about rearranging Matsuri’s face.
Why me huh? Why is it always me? I want to be a hero. I want to protect humanity and live in honor as I serve the Washuu family. Why is this happening to me? Why won’t they leave me alone? I hate this. I hate you. No! I hate myself. Why why why? Hairu why? Why did you leave me here? Why didn’t you take me with you? I can’t handle this! I’m scared I’m scared! Arima-san please please help m-
“No.” Yoshitoiki interjects, his hands crossed on the table where his head lays.
Wait what?
“The Tsukiyama conglomerate was broken up, and humans have now reorganized and cleansed the company, which alone was sufficient value for the operation.”
What is going on? Is director Washuu disagreeing with his son?
“Bureau Director, are you saying that Noro’s defeat had no merit? I strongly believe that targeting highly dangerous individual is an effective strategy but…”
Matsuri…is he offended. What an arrogant selfish b-
“I wonder how you can arbitrarily decide the worth of an operation yourself special class?”
There’s pregnant silence resonating around the room as the investigators wait in anticipation for the pissing match to continue. It never comes, especially by the way Matsuri’s gaze is lowered like a child not getting their way by the way he wallows in his bitterness. Whatever just happened Koori don’t know but there’s this spark of hope that is surging in him. The bureau director actually defended him. It was almost unreal and Koori once again checks out when prison director Haisaki asks Sasaki about the squad that’s currently scouting the island.
Yoshitoki Washuu actually came to my defense? There was no hesitation in his voice and even Matsuri special class was no match against his father. I don’t even know what to feel right now. Do I even know what feel? Happiness? Joy? Dammit Koori you suck at this! This man defended your honor and you don’t know what to fe—
Koori would do anything just to disappear right now. He didn’t need to be in this room. He should be home resting, not sitting in this gushing over his boss (supposedly) coming to his defense after being bullied by his asshole son.
Wait! Wait! No! What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I make such a foolish assumption? This is his job. It’s his job to always find merit in any operation even if it’s a debacle. This has nothing to do with him defending me. Shit I am a mess right now. Why can’t I g-
“Special class Ui?”
Koori snaps his neck up, meeting the gaze of Yoshitoki who’s standing over him and expressing concern with his body language.
“Director Washuu-san…”
“You’re aware that I dismissed everyone almost five minutes ago right?”
Is this man serious right now? Koori was sitting there, eyes wide and mouth left agape. Was he out of it that long? That’s not even counting any closing remarks of that sort and whatever commentary that was being thrown around. He felt so ashamed because what he did was disrespectful and he is already prepared for his superior to scold him.
“Ui is everything okay? You’ve been…out of it.” Yoshitoki sits next to him in the same chair that was occupied by Mougan. “Y-Yes I…I am a little stressed but for the most part I am okay.”
Yoshitoiki falls silent almost immediately but Koori knows that expression from miles away. He’s not buying it. There’s no denying that the director knows Koori’s lying and now he must face his boss and the truth, even if it hurts. Hopefully Yoshitoiki is nothing like his family name says he should be.
“Actually no I am not. I don’t even know how be okay anymore. I don’t know how to sit back and be in peace. The Tsukiyama operation haunts me director. I’ve been mentally tortured for the past six months. You don’t understand. Nobody understands and I feel so alone and hopeless. I am getting no support, only constant bullying. I get no praise for my efforts, only whispers and condescending name drops. After telling you that? Now do you think I am okay?”
Yoshitoki lowers his gaze to the floor and not a sound comes from him except for his faint breathing patterns. Koori’s chest tightens and it’s taking everything not to run out the door because his heavy presence is weighing him down so much that even his head is starting to ache. He shouldn’t be doing this. Yoshitoki has way too much going on in his life to be hearing him cry over his inability to let bygones be bygones. This is pointless and Koori made a terrible mistake thinking his boss would even remotely care.
“You should have come to me.”
Koori tilts his head up to meet his gaze, his face remaining impassive but his heart pounding wildly against his chest. Were they always sitting in close proximity like this? Or maybe Koori failed to notice until now. There’s no doubt that the words his superior spoke were genuine but there’s no way for Koori to know when the Washuu family are famously known for their cold and calculated nature.
“I didn’t know. Maybe it’s my pride or maybe it’s my stubbornness but I couldn’t gather the courage to reach out to anyone, especially you. My life during that six month period would have been easier had I reached out but now the damage is done.” All there’s left to do is to pick up the pieces and build an iron wall around is heart to protect himself from bullshit like this. No matter what is going on in his personal life, his job as a ghoul investigator never stops.
“Ui listen. I have a responsibility to ensure that my investigator’s needs are met. I care for the wellbeing of you all and whatever my name says about me won’t change that. The CCG cannot succeed when my investigators are not focused on the task in hand. You are one of my best and I don’t care about what Matsuri or that investigation report says. I am proud of you. You are as strong as they come because you picked yourself up and you never let it deter you. You continue to fight, even when the odds are stacked against you. That’s the true meaning of an investigator.”
Koori is staring like a deer that’s caught in the headlights. He’s way too flabbergasted to even say anything but if the wetness that’s sliding down his cheeks is anything to go by then it’s obvious that he’s going to let his tears do the talking for him. “I-I’m so sorry Director Washuu-san. I failed you far too many times and I have nothing to show for my success. I have been given far too many privileges and I continue to fuck it all up. I don’t deserve to be a special class. If you demote me then I understand.”
Koori is forced out of his sobbing fit when a hand touches his shoulder. His gaze suddenly lands on Yoshitoki who looks very unamused by whatever that was. “One does not punish themselves when there’s failure. What you do is reward yourself by working extra hard to turn failure into success. Demotion won’t help as it will only break your morale. Lift yourself up and never tear yourself down. Don’t let anyone bring you down, not even me. Do you understand?” Koori weakly nods, his tears suddenly coming to a halt when he steals a glance at yoshitoiki grabbing a pen and paper before writing something down and handing it over to the young hope.
“I don’t always do this. Besides Maru you’re probably the only one. Here’s my personal number. If you ever need someone to talk to; if you ever need someone to vent to, feel free to reach me by this number. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re alone. I am here for you on and off duty.”
Koori takes the card from him with an adorning smile as he carefully slips it into his pocket. “T-Thank you so much Director Washuu-san. I feel a lot better after talking to you.” With Koori’s mood elevating as a result of their heart to heart Yoshitoiki smiles, his hand leaving his shoulder when he proceeds to stand. “That’s good to know. I have to go now but if you need anything my door is always open for you.”
Koori was not ready for him to leave but if the pounding in his chest is anything to go by then it’s best that he’s left alone for a while until he can get himself together. Long after Yoshitoki leaves the pounding didn’t stop and in fact Koori starts to worry that his heart is getting ready to jump right out of his chest. He takes the care out of his pocket, his thumb carefully massaging the paper which is giving him butterflies in his stomach.
Koori you need to get yourself together. Director Washuu-san is only doing his job and it’s not indicative of anything more than that. Why are you here gushing like a school girl? It’s fucking gross and disrespectful.
Maybe the voice in his head is right and he’s overreacting. As much as he would like to let it go and leave it at that it doesn’t stop him from feeling like this is more than just a simple case of a typical subordinate/superior relationship in the work force. Unfortunately it’s no longer that easy because the moment yoshitoiki’s presence forces his heart to pound like a shoujo protagonist meeting the male lead is the moment he’s no longer allowed to pull that card.
No it can’t be…
It’s like meeting Hairu all over again and the thought alone scares him.