Chapter Text
Sol raced down the small hill toward the rapidly departing figure in black, spark snow crackling under their heels. It was steep, and they almost worried that they'd stumble and crack their head in the fall, but dammit, this was important. They didn't know why, but they needed to see this person. Him. They needed to see—
“Sym!” They called, as soon as his name emerged from the depths of their mind. “Symbiosis!”
Miraculously, Sym stopped. He turned to look at them slowly, just in time to see them trip on a rock and—
And catch them.
Sol sagged into his arms with relief, pressing up close to his chest.
“Sym, Sym, I—” They had something to say, they knew that they did, but they didn't know what. “Sym, I'm…”
They couldn't think. Their thoughts were stuck. They couldn't remember—they didn't want to?
“I love you?” they tried, but that wasn't it.
Sym laughed his sweet, musical, otherworldly laugh. He was so precious. How could they have ever…
Horrible images flashed through Sol’s mind. A hulking, spidery contraption, towering high above them. The complete silence in the dying Array. A sick, passive Vertumna. And, worst of all, Sym. Sym alone and sick and old and dead. Sym asking quietly, “What have you done?”
Before Sol knew it, tears were streaming down their checks. Their throat contorted their words into a whine before a sob tore itself out of their chest. They gasped in short, sharp breaths, which all ended in half-aborted exhales. They could hardly breathe. Their chest hurt—their head hurt—everything hurt so, so much.
“Oh, sugarbug, what's wrong?” Sym cooed.
“Sym,” they sobbed. That was all they could get out before they were screaming again at the horror of what they had done.
Sym stroked their hair, and it only made them cry harder. He should hate them! Dammit, he should remember! How dare he be so nice!
Sol struggled futilely to get away from him, but their legs refused to work correctly. Sym held them up, even as they thrashed and tried to push him away. They had done everything wrong, and even now, he stayed. Even then. Even when they murdered his planet, he still wanted to love them.
“Sym!” they begged. “Sym, please.”
Their words got lost in their shaky breath and tears, but they were sure Sym wouldn't have understood what they meant, anyways. He never remembered. He would never really know what they'd done to him.
Despite Sol’s best efforts, Sym held them until their tears dried up and they could breathe normally again. They still felt shaky, but they could speak again.
Taking a deep breath, Sol said, “I'm so sorry.”
“Oh, don't worry,” Sym said brightly, “I think it's actually fascinating how good you are at secreting fluids.”
Sol just frowned. Although they normally loved his jokes, they still felt too awful to find anything funny.
Seeing their reaction, Sym said a bit more gently, “It really isn't any trouble.”
“No,” Sol mumbled, trying to put their mind back together. “No, no, no. I'm not—I’m not sorry about that. I'm sorry for—” Their voice caught again, and they struggled to say, “I was such an asshole to you.”
Sym stared at them, unblinking. He said slowly, “I believe you might be mistaken.”
“No, dammit!” they yelled.
Sym jumped, and Sol felt even worse. They sniffled, then burst into tears again. In an effort at damage control, they tried to wipe the snot off their face, but it didn't work very well.
“No, I—I killed you!” they howled, “I killed everything! I blew up the Array. And you were barely even mad at me! You just looked at me, and you didn't do anything, you didn't kill me like you should've.” They let out a sob. “I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did it—I just got so caught up with Vace and Nem and trying to make them happy and I couldn't stop and I messed it all up. Stars, you warned me, and I didn't—I didn't stop. I should've listened to you, but I was so mad, and I just wanted Vace to like me, and I hated Noctilucent so much, and I just wanted all the stupid fighting to stop!”
They paused, gasping for breath, choking on their tears. Sym was looking at them, head cocked to the side in complete confusion.
“I really messed it up,” they sobbed. “You were so alone. And you got old, Sym. You got old and you got hurt and you didn't come back to me when you died. And the worst bit was that you were—you were disappointed, but you weren't mad at me. I ruined your life and you weren't even mad.” The last word came out as a squeak. They took a shaky breath. “I don't know why I did it. I'm not even sure I knew what I was doing. I was just trudging along, following orders and sucking up to those jerks.” They sniffled again. “I just got too far into it to stop, and I'd already screwed everything up when I realized what I was doing. I just—I think I wanted to save the colony? I don't—I don't know why I couldn't stop. I thought I’d just screw things up even more if I did, but—but the virus, that was… so, so much worse than I could’ve imagined. It wasn't—It wasn't that tough, either. I just went into the Array and uploaded the virus and then everything was dead. It just went quiet. And then you were all alone.”
Sol trailed off into a whine, burying their face in Sym’s chest.
He was silent for several moments before murmuring, as if to himself, “Ah, yes. The dreams.”
“Mhm. B-but they're not just dreams. They're memories. I—I did that to you. I hurt you.”
Sol slipped into another round of quiet crying. It took them a minute to find their voice again. It was so much harder, with Sym right there, holding them.
“I killed Dys, too,” they confessed. “When he bombed the colony and ran away, he… he became a Gardener. I think. I didn't see it—I was too busy with Vace—but I remember now. So when I blew up the Array… I don't know. Maybe he ended up like you.” They swallowed. “You never told me.”
Sym hummed noncommittally. His slim fingers scratched Sol’s scalp pleasantly, combing through their hair. Despite how guilty it made them feel, Sol couldn't help but lean into his touch. They'd gone too long without a hug, or really any contact at all. That was their own fault, of course, but still…
Sol wiped their face with their palm. They mumbled, “I'm sorry, Sym. I won't do it again. I promise.”
Sym smiled and ruffled their hair.
“I forgive you,” he said simply.
Sol shook their head. “No. You don't have to. Y-you shouldn't.”
“Why not? You apologized, and you won't do it again. You clearly regret it, so there's no need to punish yourself any further.” He stopped suddenly, eyes widening, smile dropping. His grip on their hair slackened. “Is this why you…?
He trailed off, but they knew what he meant. They'd been… less than careful, on their expeditions. They'd taken risks they shouldn’t have, like with the snapbladder in the valley. They weren't suicidal, exactly, but neither were they trying to stay alive.
They lifted their head from his chest in order to nod.
“Oh, sugarbug,” Sym sighed.
“I wasn't trying to kill myself,” they mumbled. “Promise. And I-I wanted to see you, you know? You always help me when I'm in danger.”
Sym… frowned, which looked weird on his face. Then, to Sol’s surprise, Sym lifted his hands from their scalp in favour of cupping both of their cheeks. His palms were smooth and soft, and their touch reminded Sol of a pleasant memory they couldn't quite name yet. Their face felt hot, which made them panic. They weren't ready to let him love them again, not after what they’d done!
Sol tried to jerk away, but Sym corrected them with a gentle press of his thumb. He tilted their face upwards to look at him, and they felt a strange sense of vertigo; they were very familiar with this.
“Look at me,” he said softly.
Sol bit their lip, and tried to look. His silvery eyes, such a source of comfort in the past, only reminded them of all the pain they'd caused him. They felt tears prickling at their eyelids, and Sym rubbed their cheek in sympathy.
“Please don't hurt yourself anymore,” he whispered. “Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes. Yes, you may acknowledge what you did, but you do not deserve eternal punishment for it. I would hesitate to say that it was really you doing it, at all. Besides, it never happened here. It did not happen to me, or to Dys. You haven't hurt anyone in this lifetime except for yourself. So, please, Solanaceae, let go.”
“But Sym—”
He pressed a finger to their lips, silencing them. “Shhh.”
Sol’s vision went blurry again from their tears. They had missed him so much.
“I’m sorry,” they repeated, for what felt like the thousandth time. Sym’s finger got caught by their lips as they said it, leaving a thin film of saliva on his skin.
“Shush, sugarbug,” he murmured. “You’re already forgiven.”
He moved to wrap them in a hug again, and they didn’t resist. They felt absolutely shaky and awful, completely drained. Their body was still trying to cry, contorting their face and making their breath hitch, but they didn’t have the strength of will to do anything about it. Their throat, independent of their brain, was uttering a constant whining sound, like a broken farming machine in Geoponics.
Somewhere, from the depths of their mind, a phrase was conjured up, and before they knew it, it was spilling from their lips.
“Could you help me calm down?”
“Of course,” Sym murmured, just like they knew he would.
One of his hands came to rest on their chin, gently tipping their head up to look at his silvery eyes. Everything seemed to blur for a moment, contentment washing over Sol’s body. Their muscles relaxed automatically, but they let Sym hold their weight while they waited for the haze to pass. It wasn’t perfect—they still felt shaky afterward—but they weren’t as completely overwhelmed as they had been.
Trying to straighten up again, Sol mumbled, “Thanks.”
“It was my pleasure.”
Without the storm of emotions in their head, Sol started to realize how awkward this was. Sure, they knew him, but to Sym, they were practically a stranger. A few quick encounters were the extent of their relationship. He was probably so confused.
Sol stepped back, out of Sym’s embrace. He let them go this time.
“I’m being really weird, aren’t I?” they asked.
“Well, perhaps.” He laughed. “But that is a part of why I like you.”
Sol’s stomach did a flip. They took a deep breath, trying not to let their nervousness get the better of them again.
“You probably have questions,” they said.
He nodded subtly, face placid as ever. “Well, I gather that you know my name through your dreams. You seem very familiar with me, in fact. And… what was it that you said… you love me?”
Sol could feel their face heating up, and they instinctively huddled into their jacket.
“I, um, well…” they stammered. “I-I don’t know. I panicked. I knew I needed to say something to you, so I just said the first thing that came to mind. I mean, maybe I—Listen, I don’t know. Sometimes I remember, and sometimes I don’t. It’s all jumbled up, you know?”
“No, I don’t know, but I can guess. I’ve heard that human memories are unreliable, after all.”
“Mhm. And, um, I also wanted to say that I’m sorry that I just, like, fell on you, by the way. And that I kept hugging you.” Another tidbit of memory surfaced in their head. “We, uh, usually don’t get to that stuff until later.”
“What do you mean?” Sym asked, completely innocently.
Oh, stars, they should not have said that. They balled their hands into fists. They practically had to force themself to speak
“The touching,” they hissed.
Sym burst out laughing.
“Oh,” he giggled. “Well, that is interesting. You know, it frustrates me how hesitant you and Dys are to speak about whatever it is that you mean, although I do also find it amusing.” He raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps you’d be kind enough to enlighten me?”
Why was he like this? And the worst part was that he didn’t even know.
Sol hesitated for a minute before saying, “Um, maybe later?”
He laughed again. “Well, if you refuse to tell me yourself, then I’d at least appreciate it if you would be kind enough to bring me some other source. I have been wanting some more information on your culture, anyways.”
Immediately, Sol replied, “Sure. What do you want?”
“Nothing sensitive, of course. Just holographic recordings of… whatever cultural artifacts you can find. Movies, music, books, that sort of thing.” He paused, tilting his head to the side and smiling. “You know, I thought you would take a great deal more convincing. But it seems you’re full of surprises.”
“Well, I guess I might need a little more convincing…” Sol mumbled in a really horrible attempt at flirting that probably didn’t even come across like that.
Sym sighed indulgently. “What is it, sugarbug?”
“Um, if you’d like, maybe in a while, I could, uh, give you a bit more… anecdotal data?”
This was a terrible idea. Why were they saying this? This was not how anything was supposed to go.
But Sym just smiled his sweet, gentle smile. “So bold. I truly appreciate that about you.”
Sol let themself smile back. It had been so long since they’d felt like things were even vaguely okay. Maybe not okay forever, but for a moment, at least. They weren’t completely absolved. Maybe they’d never be. But for now, they felt so much lighter than they had in years.
Sym tilted his head in that odd way that meant he was hearing something Sol couldn’t. His eyes flickered away to stare into the distance for a moment before returning to Sol’s face.
“I am terribly sorry, but duty calls.”
Although they expected him to walk away, Sym stepped toward them. He took their hand, gently and slowly, like Sol was a frightened animal, and rubbed his thumb over their knuckles. It felt both strange and familiar how intimate he was being. Too fast and too slow all at once.
“Please stay safe,” Sym murmured. “And please be aware that you can come to me at any time. I will always be happy to see you, and I will be there whenever you need me.”
Sol nodded wordlessly. They were feeling a little choked up again, but not in a bad way.
Sym left them with a smile and a squeeze to their hand, and he was gone before they could say goodbye. Their head flashed with pain again; they hadn’t gotten to say goodbye before, either.
Sol spent a long time standing there, staring out at the subtly rolling landscape of the plains, getting lost in their memories. They kept seeing Sym, alone and lost. They heard his melancholy voice in their head when it got too quiet. They saw illusory shapes in the trees, of Noctilucent and the massive, spidery structure in the caves, which disappeared when they turned their head to look. They remembered Dys in that chamber of vats, smiling as they clasped his hand in theirs. That one especially seemed so long ago.
They were only woken out of their trance when they noticed Dys beside them. They were almost afraid he was in their head, at first, but a few more seconds of observation confirmed that he was real. He wasn’t much of a talker, but neither were they, these days. He was probably their only friend in the colony; he understood that sometimes, it was enough to just sit together in silence.
As the sun started to set behind the glittering, snowy horizon, Dys said quietly, “Let’s head back.”
Sol shook their head. “Can I tell you something first?”
He stared at them, surprised. “Uh. Yeah. Sure.”
“So… I met Sym today.”
“You mean—Wow.” He paused, then added, “We can’t tell anyone, right? He did say that you’re not supposed to?”
“Yeah, I thought so.”
“How’d you meet him? What did he say?
“Listen, I—that’s just for context, okay? I need to tell you something else. Something more important.” They took a deep breath. “You know how I have weird dreams?”
Dys nodded hesitantly.
“So…” Sol continued, “They aren’t just dreams. They’re memories of lives I’ve lived in the past. Not like reincarnation or anything. I’m the same person, I’m me, and I’m here on Vertumna. And… it just keeps happening, over and over again. I don’t know how long it’s been going on.”
Dys looked at them for a good while, evaluating them, then said slowly, “Wow. You’re not joking, huh?”
“Obviously I’m not joking,” they spat. When Dys recoiled, Sol hastily added, “Sorry. Sorry. It’s kind of a lot.”
“Yeah, no kidding.”
“Yeah. But, again, that’s all for context. I just—meeting Sym kind of made me realize that I should probably tell you. I think you deserve to know.”
“Tell me what?” Dys asked quietly, like he knew something bad was coming.
Sol sighed. “I killed the Gardeners. I destroyed the Array. I don’t—I don’t know what I was thinking.” They buried their face in their hands. “The colony was fucked, Dys. The walls were all blasted to shit and Noctilucent was pissed off, and I thought it was the only way. I—I don’t know why I didn’t do something else. I’m so sorry.”
Dys stood stock still for a moment, and Sol was almost worried that he’d never respond when he asked, “W-what happened to Sym?”
“He died. Not right away, but… he got old. He couldn’t heal himself.” They swallowed. “The same thing happened to you, I think. You ran away and you became a Gardener. I don’t know if you died right away or not. Sym never told me about you, but whatever way it went, I—”
They couldn’t say it. It was too awful.
When they looked up, they saw Dys had taken a few steps back. His face was white as a sheet. He looked horrified, and he was right to be.
“I’m sorry,” Sol said, for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. “Y-you don’t have to forgive me. Or ever talk to me again. I just—I just wanted you to know. That’s all.”
Without a single word, Dys turned and stalked away. Sol watched him go. Their chest hurt so bad it felt like their heart was breaking.
They practically fell to the ground, and curled up with their knees to their chest. They were all out of tears, but it seemed like their body didn’t know that. Their chest spasmed in silent, dry sobs, because they knew that Dys was right. They were a monster, and they didn’t deserve a friend like him.
If Dys didn’t want to see them again, they wouldn’t make him. He’d probably go back to the colony that night, so Sol decided they’d just camp out. It felt like hours until they could pull themself together enough to make a fire.