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“Shuhe!”
He hears himself scream. His voice feels foreign to his own ears, tainted with a sudden horror that swallows him whole. Just a moment ago, Shuhe had smiled at him, reminiscing about the promise they had made together. His eyes lacked their usual mirth, which had been missing for a long time, but they still held the weight of those three words Shuhe had whispered to him this morning. I love you.
What a blissful morning it had been, unfolding after a night drowned in passion and love. The vows they made to each other felt fresh, just as warm as his lips on Shuhe’s skin. He loved to see how beautifully his darling flushed. From the first time he teased Shuhe in the bathtub to the night before when he made love to him, his face always turned a crimson red, like a rose urging to bloom.
But why does Shuhe’s skin look so pale now, as if it lost all the warmth it held? Those eyes that reflected a thousand feelings – innocence, trust, betrayal, anger, hatred, and love – look devoid of any emotion. He feels himself rushing forward, even before Shuhe’s body could hit the ground.
“Shuhe.”
Another bloodied scream rips past his lungs, as he clutches Shuhe’s weightless body in his arms. No. This cannot be happening. They had made a promise together. He was eager to say those three words back to Shuhe, but he wanted to wait until they finally walked out of this tangled mess. How was he to say those words, now that he could feel Shuhe’s warmth fading away in his own hands?
He tightens the halo of his arms around Shuhe, bringing him closer to his chest. Maybe if he holds him long enough, his own warmth could seep into Shuhe’s cold, lifeless body.
No. Shuhe cannot deceive him like this. He cannot leave him alone in this world. Doesn't he know that he is the heart beating in his chest? The breath traveling through his lungs? No. No.
“Shuhe, come back…” his voice breaks.
“Zhexu.”
He can feel Shuhe's pulse slowing down. Soon, it reaches a long, permanent halt. A thin line of blood trickles down the corner of Shuhe's pale lips. No.
He lets out another broken cry.
“Don't leave me. Please…”
“Zhexu, wake up.”
His breath collapses, panic clawing up his throat. He tightens his hold, but Shuhe is vanishing into thin air like a cloud of smoke. His frantic hands reach out to grab any part of him, just for a little longer, but to no avail. It's cold. Empty.
No. He can't be gone. No.
“Zhexu, open your eyes please.”
“Shuhe!”
He lurches upright with a strangled gasp. The remnants of the nightmare cling to him, refusing to let go. Darkness surrounds him, except for the faint light and sound coming from the TV screen.
His dazed eyes instantly flicker to the right side of his bed. There's no one.
He desperately pulls the blanket away, pats the bedsheet. His own breath is coming in shallow, heart beating wildly in his chest, but it doesn't matter. Nothing else matters. He only needs to find Shuhe.
No. No. No–
A gentle hand lands on his left shoulder.
“Zhexu, look at me. I'm here.”
His head snaps around in an instant. There is someone standing by his bedside.
Oh. Shuhe. His Shuhe.
Before his mind catches up with anything, he circles his arms tightly around his waist and buries his face into a thin belly.
“Shuhe…I am sorry.” His cry gets muffled against the shirt. “I am sorry for everything I did. Don't leave me, please…”
He feels soft fingers combing through his hair. They trace a soft, soothing pattern down his scalp, and then back up again. It's grounding.
“Shh. I am here. I won't leave you.”
The voice sounds familiar, very familiar. He noses along the shirt and inhales deeply. A sweet, milky scent. It's so comforting that he closes his eyes and takes another deep breath to chase it. Just at that moment, the hands massaging through his hair trace down to cup his face and the person in his arms moves, slowly sitting down by his side.
“Zhexu, guai guai. Look at me.”
No one calls him that except—
He pries his eyes open again.
“Jinjin?”
Mi Jin is looking at him worriedly, a thin line of wetness shining across his lower lids. He brushes his thumb close to the corner of Zhexu’s eyes, erasing the line of tears down his cheeks.
Huh. He didn't even realize he was crying in his sleep.
Mi Jin takes one of his hands and cups it along his own jaw, close to his jugular vein. Zhexu’s gaze locks in on the side of his neck. He presses his fingers a little deeper to feel the warm sensation of the skin beneath. It is alive. Pulsating.
“See, I am right here with you. I am not going anywhere.”
As if a crushing weight has been lifted off his chest, he drops his head forward, his forehead touching against Mi Jin’s. This up close, he can feel the air escaping from Mi Jin’s lungs against his skin. Mi Jin draws in a deep breath, and exhales slowly.
Inhale again, and exhale.
Inhale and exhale.
Zhexu focuses on the sensation and follows along, his breath calming down. The lingering traces of the nightmare drift away as his mind slowly comes back to reality.
“You are alive.” It is less a statement, more a sigh of relief. He nuzzles his nose quietly against Mi Jin’s as a way of seeking comfort.
“Yes, I am alive, and here with you. It was just a nightmare.”
Mi Jin doesn't ask what it was about, and Zhexu is grateful for that. He may have an idea already, considering that he has had similar nightmares before since the filming of Kill to Love ended, although they were becoming much less frequent with Mi Jin by his side.
“I lost you. I tried to reach out, kept screaming your name. But you just disappeared.” Tears well up in his eyes again. “Then I opened my eyes and you weren't there. I thought.. I thought I lost you again–”
His voice breaks, throat closing up around the rest of the words. Fresh tears spill over and he doesn't have it in him to stop them. Mi Jin gently takes one of his hands into his and inches his head back to look into Zhexu’s eyes.
“I was feeling a little hungry an hour ago, so I got up and went out to get a snack from the fridge. I thought if I ate something in here, the sound might disturb your sleep.”
“You were hungry? You should have woken me up.” Zhexu asks, his eyes full of concern. “Wait I’ll cook something–”
Before he gets up from the bed, Mi Jin stops him right away. He sighs fondly at him. Even in this state, he puts Mi Jin’s wellbeing over his own.
“No, I have already eaten. I was just finishing up when I heard you scream…”
Zhexu lets out a slow breath. It had been quite some time since he had a nightmare this vivid. He can't say what triggered it, but lately he had been thinking about Ziang and Shuhe again, his thoughts lingering over the simple wishes they made, yet how tragically they were crushed under the weight of politics and kingdom rivalry.
“We promised each other a simple life together. I remember I said you could play your zither, and I'll chop the wood and boil water for you.” He sniffles, tracing his hand along Mi Jin's jawline.
“You were my only home, the freedom I longed for. Then how did I become the reason you could never be free? How come I chained your feet and turned you into a prisoner?”
“It wasn't you Zhexu. It was Ziang.” Mi Jin says softly, but in an assertive way to make Zhexu understand that there's a difference. “Besides, it's all in the past. What matters is that we're together now. And we have already fulfilled so many of the wishes they made, haven't we?”
Zhexu lowers his head in understanding. Mi Jin is right; it was only a character he embodied. Still, on nights like this, the line between the two often blurs, leaving behind an aching guilt.
“But I wanted to do so much for you.”
“You already do so much for me, Zhexu.” Mi Jin moves closer. “You cook for me, give me everything I like, share your whole wardrobe with me–” Zhexu cracks a small smile. “Look after me when I am feeling down, care for me in every way possible. You treat me like I am a prince.”
“You are.” Zhexu replies without a moment's hesitation. His gaze softens when he looks into Mi Jin's big, starry eyes. “You are my gentle, kind, impossibly beautiful little prince.”
He punctuates the final words with a soft kiss on Mi Jin's nose. And it's worth it, just for the way Mi Jin's cheeks blush a shy red.
“Zhexu laoshi. How dare you be such a smooth talker when I'm trying to comfort you?”
Mi Jin flicks his chin, just like Shuhe did when he was drunk. Zhexu responds with a quiet smile, still watching the pretty shades coloring Mi Jin's skin. Such a simple but worthy reminder that Mi Jin is here with him, alive and breathing.
“Okay, you can continue with your staring. I'll go and get some water for you”. Mi Jin shakes his head in a light manner. He gives another reassuring press on Zhexu's hand and stands up. But before he can turn away, Zhexu reaches out and grabs his arm.
“Wait. There's something I have to say to you.”
“Hmm?” Mi Jin turns to face him.
“I– Ziang always wanted to say it, but he waited too long…”
“What is it?”
There's a heavy pause. It feels too quiet in the stillness of the night, with only the faint sound of the TV coming through.
“I love you.”
He can hear Mi Jin's breath hitch. It's not the first time Zhexu has said this to him, but somehow it feels different right now. His lips curve into a small grin, the color on his cheeks deepening. He walks closer to the side of the bed.
“Are you saying that as Ziang or Zhexu?”
“Both.” Zhexu answers in a heartbeat.
Mi Jin sits next to Zhexu, inching his face even closer. From this distance, he can feel Zhexu's breath picking up again.
“Then I want to say…” Mi Jin leans in further, his voice barely above a whisper. “I love you too.”
Zhexu draws in a sharp inhale, blood rushing to his ears. If only Mi Jin knew the effect he has on him, on his poor, fluttering heart.
“Are you saying that as Shuhe or Jinjin?”
“Who do you think it is?” He watches as Zhexu's heavy gaze drops down to his lips, and then back to his eyes.
“Right now… I think I’d like it to be my Jinjin.”
Mi Jin's face softens, the corners of his mouth turning up.
“Your Jinjin it is then.” He murmurs, leaning in to seal the final gap between them.
Mi Jin’s tender lips brush against his, hovering there for a heartbeat. He pulls back, just a little, to stare into Zhexu’s eyes. There’s a sweet, fruity scent lingering on his mouth, and Zhexu wants nothing more than to taste it with his own. He lifts his hands to cup Mi Jin’s face and leans in slowly, pressing their lips together in a long, heartfelt kiss.
Their mouths move in a familiar tandem, yet the sparks feel new this time. Zhexu edges closer and deepens the kiss, as if to quench a thirst he hadn't realized was there before. The nightmare left a cold, dreadful void in his chest, but every caress of Mi Jin’s lips fills him with a comforting warmth, making him feel alive again.
When they part after what feels like ages, both of them are out of breath. A moment later, Zhexu leans in again, but this time to place a tender kiss on Mi Jin’s forehead. His lips trace down to his closed eyes, along his nose, and softly across the corner of his mouth. He inches back to find Mi Jin fluttering his eyes open, a content smile playing on his lips.
Beautiful. So breathtakingly beautiful.
“Jinjin.” He calls softly, not to disturb the serenity of the moment.
“Hmm?”
“Don't let me leave you. Ever.”
Mi Jin has this look on his face that he gets when Zhexu does something incredibly silly or incredibly moving. He moves closer and plants a soft peck against Zhexu's cheek.
“It won't happen. I won't ever let it happen. You're stuck with me for life, Zhexu laoshi. I'll keep pestering you for every little thing, until you get sick and tired of me.”
He says in a tone that's probably meant to be a little threatening, but Zhexu only finds him cuter than ever.
“Tired of you? That's rather difficult.”
A knowing smile blooms on Mi Jin’s lips, and Zhexu can't help but chase it with another soft kiss. Just that moment, Mi Jin’s stomach gurgles.
“Are you still hungry, baobei? I know you haven't been eating well at work. I'll cook something for you right now, just give me a minute–”
“Nooo it's okay. I have already eaten some of that remaining fruit salad. Just want some rest now. And cuddles.” Mi Jin adds with a small pout.
How could he ever deny anything to those round, puppy eyes? If Mi Jin asked for the moon, he'd find a way to snatch it from the sky and place it in the palm of his hands, but cuddling it is for now.
He shifts back on the bed and opens his inviting arms. Mi Jin slides right next to him, snuggling tightly around his waist. He is wearing one of Zhexu's old shirts, and even though it is slightly loose on him, he adores the sight more than anything else.
Zhexu adjusts one arm under Mi Jin's head, tracing his hand along the line of his back, and cups his face with the other.
Holding Mi Jin like this, a sudden melancholic feeling takes over him, the last fragments of the nightmare flashing in his head. He engulfs him even closer, until he is able to feel the steady thump of Mi Jin’s heartbeat. As if sensing the subtle change, Mi Jin snuggles right back.
“Feeling any better?” Mi Jin asks, lightly nuzzling his nose across Zhexu's.
Zhexu nods, placing a gentle kiss on his nose. He slowly moves his hand to stroke Mi Jin’s hair. Whether it's to comfort Mi Jin or himself, he can't tell.
“It's just…” He sighs, “Some days, when I think about them, my heart still hurts.”
Mi Jin nestles in closer, and Zhexu feels as if a missing piece of his being has finally slotted back into place.
“You know Zhexu, I think if Ziang and Shuhe were real, and if they could see us right now, they'd be very happy.”
Zhexu's eyes soften, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.
“They couldn't be together as they wanted to, but we have been given that chance. We'll do everything they wished for, and much more. And we'll stick together for a long long time, never be parted.”
“Like a pair of geese?” Zhexu asks, indulging his sweetheart.
“Mmhmm. We'll be the sweetest, clingiest little pair of lovebirds the world has ever seen.”
Zhexu stifles a wet laugh. His chest seems too tight to contain the love he feels for Mi Jin, so he blames that when he ends up kissing him breathless again.
Mi Jin giggles in between, feeling a little ticklish from the hand on his back, and Zhexu steals those sweet sounds right away from his lips. He peppers some more kisses all over his face, before settling him close again in his arms.
“No more sad thoughts now, okay?” Mi Jin says, his face far too cute for a scolding. Zhexu nods hurriedly.
“Promise me?” Mi Jin extends his pinky finger.
“Pinky promise.”
Feeling satisfied, Mi Jin buries his face in the crook of his neck and tangles their limbs.
“Goodnight Xuxu, sweet dreams.”
“Goodnight, my love.”
In the stillness of the night, with his arms full of warmth again, he silently makes another promise. Whatever it takes, he will do everything he can to keep Mi Jin happy. To cherish him and make him feel loved. To fulfill some old, long-lost wishes, and make new ones with him under the moon.
He whispers a soft I love you into Mi Jin’s hair and presses a final kiss to his head, holding him securely beneath his chin. When he feels a quiet answering smile against his skin, he knows that the remaining night will be filled with sweet dreams after all.