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Chan getting used to being taken care of and asking for help from his members was difficult for both parties. The constant reminders and assurances were anything for Chan to get it through his own skull that asking for their help was encouraged and okay.
It was frustrating on the members' end to hold themselves back from getting upset at Chan for his selflessness and guilt of being the leader eating him away when he needed to ask for help.
It was frustrating on Chan's end that the anxiety in his body wouldn't stop when he would realize he needed to ask for his members' help because he was slipping.
But now, Chan would like to believe he was getting better. He didn’t pause and wait for so long to ask for certain things from them, wait until he was drowning in his headspace to ask for their help, or wait until he felt like he was drowning to tell them when he felt little, everything they’ve worked so hard to do.
But now, with Felix and Jisung bringing up plans when he’s in his Wolfchan blanket on the couch, his knees pressed to his chest, not being paid attention to while his mind drowns in his headspace from stress and his tongue feels too heavy to communicate that they shouldn't leave, it feels like he's backtracking.
Everyone is in the common room the moment Chan’s eyes begin to blur with unshed tears, his brain whispering cruel words to him as they rush to put on jackets and shoes and discuss dinner plans and places to go, while Chan just lies on the couch unmoving, unsure how they don’t see him or even acknowledge he’s even there until Jeongin gently pats his hood-covered head, whispering a ‘be back soon, hyung!’ and the dorm descends to silence as they travel down the hallway.
He waits with halted breath when he gets up from where he lies, waiting for them to come back in and tell him it was a joke, a silly prank like Jisung and Jeongin always do, something that wouldn’t make him feel as if someone is sitting on his chest.
It doesn’t take long before the tears start, followed by genuine crying, his blanket acting as a substitute for one of the boy’s hugs, but soon the material feels itchy on his skin and he feels hot.
He tears off the blanket before moving onto the floor, hating the way the couch itches his skin, but he can’t go anywhere else. Anywhere else will remind him he’s more alone than he already knows, where every single room he would adventure in with wobbly balance would be useless.
Jisung wouldn’t magically appear out of his room to playfully whine about having to carry Chan again and again around the house, Jeongin won’t come bug him in his room to try and learn how to play Pokémon with his cards, and Felix won’t come to ask to be a helper in the kitchen to make a sweet treat.
Changbin won’t ask to color with him while they watch Pokémon together, Minho won’t ask him to come help him with dinner, Seungmin won’t ask him to bring his stuffed animal collection to his room so he can play with Dangmo, and Hyunjin won’t come to ask if Chan wants to play with his leftover paint.
None of them would be here to comfort him, wipe his tears, rock him with his baby blanket & Wolfchan blanket, and give him a kiss on his forehead and cheeks. None of them are here because they got tired of him; it rattles in his brain, making his sobs hurt more and more to the point he’s just failing to breathe.
He doesn’t know how long he’s on the couch, how long he falls into the spiral, or how long he is just having hitched breaths and short cries—how long he feels as if he’s dying before the front door opens with laughter from, he assumes, Seungmin and Felix before Chan looks up and all of their faces fall before Minho takes charge immediately.
“Channie? What happened?” Minho asks gently, setting his coat on the rack and slipping his shoes off, his bag given to one of the boys in a hurry as he rounds the corner of the couch to get to Chan. “Are you hurt?”
Chan just shakes his head; his breath was too tight in his lungs, and his cries still hitched harshly for him to be able to communicate. Minho frowns, tilting his eyes down to his arms, noticing red welts; he bites his tongue to hold off a curse. “Did you stress yourself out?”
Chan shook his head again, and Minho couldn’t hold off his frown. He wishes he knew why Chan was so upset, why he has red welts with broken skin on his arms that he isn’t even aware of, why he won’t talk, and all the signs screaming that something is wrong.
“Let’s get you calmed down, and then we can work from there. Okay, Channie?” Minho explains before looking up to see the members staring at the pair like deer in headlights. “Make yourself useful, please. Get our baby stuff, a drink, safe foods, everything. Don’t crowd him when you get it.”
Everyone agrees quickly, dividing surprisingly with almost no problems besides Jisung & Hyunjin quietly whining that they were on stuffed animal and blanket duty.
Minho gently rubs the little’s shoulders, trying to get an explanation out of him with no success. Though it wasn’t really new for Chan to go nonverbal or semi-verbal when he was little. He would usually at least try or make some sort of sign of what he wanted to say, but there was nothing from Chan now.
Minho tries to think of what could have made Chan so upset, but he comes up with nothing until his brain goes back to earlier, before they left.
He had passed by Chan on the couch in his Wolfchan blanket; he only brought out the blanket when he was little. He frowns in the realization.
“Were you upset because we left you home while you were little?” Minho spoke as gently as his voice would allow, trying not to get angry at himself and even the others for the mistake. His eyes burn with an ache in his chest when Chan nods his head finally. His lips break open quietly, and somehow the small sentence breaks Minho’s heart completely.
“Didn’ want to burden,” Chan says, looking down to his pajamas almost as if he’s in trouble, and it makes Minho just want to sob. His wolf pajama pants, followed by his well-worn ‘I Heart Australia’ shirt, are just a smack to his face if the WolfChan blanket wasn’t already a sign.
“Never a burden, my baby. You can always tell us when you are little; we will never deny you to slip unless it's unsafe. Okay?” Minho uses his finger to tip Chan’s chin up, tears falling down his cheeks again, and it makes Minho have to bite back tears himself with how upset he looks. “We love you so much, Channie baby. We are so happy to take care of you, no matter what.”
“Promise?” Chan’s voice breaks, and Minho pulls him onto his lap with a sniffle.
“I promise, baby,” Minho whispers, and he feels Chan shake in his arms, the sleeve rubbing against the scratches on his arms that makes him cry a little harder before the caregiver rolls them up and kisses the crown of his curly brown hair.
Finally, Changbin breaks the silence, and Minho tries not to let more tears fall as Chan flinches from the loud clink of the plate and cup on the coffee table.
“Hey, buddy. Lixie and I made you something to eat. Do you think you can eat something for us?” Changbin spoke gently and softly, crouched down near Minho, side-eying Minho’s clear tear tracks but ignoring them for now. “If not, that’s okay. You can just drink some juice for us, and we can figure something out.”
Chan peered a bit out of where he was hiding to see the plate, some toast with Vegemite with the crust cut off, and peeled orange slices on the side with the juice, like Changbin said. On the side of the plate was his beloved Bluey sippy cup.
“Thank you,” Chan said almost inaudibly, and Changbin gently smiled.
“Of course, kiddo. Lixie will be here soon; Sungie needs some help first. How about we watch some cartoons and eat?” Changbin already has the remote in his hand; Chan nods before he lays on Minho’s shoulder in assumed exhaustion from crying.
When they get to Chan’s saved cartoons, he picks Bluey. As the intro starts up, he lets Minho settle his plate in his lap and his sippy cup by his legs, with Minho keeping a light hand on it in case. By the time the episode is over, Chan is two-thirds done with his plate, sucking (and teething) on his sippy cup.
“Bin, could you see what the others are doing? He really needs his pacifier,” Minho asks, and the man nods, getting up. It’s a bit before Chan signals to Minho that he’s all done, and the caregiver praises him in cuddles, kisses, and words that make the little giggle. “I love you, Channie baby.”
“Lov’ you too, ‘yung,” Chan mumbles, turning away from the TV to cuddle more into Minho. “Blankie ‘n Kiki?”
“Sungie is getting them for you,” Minho assures, eyeing the Wolfchan blanket on the furniture still, placing the hood on his head.
Just for now, he assures himself.
It’s a while before Jisung and Felix show their faces again. Chan is now deciding Minho’s tee shirt is his personal chew toy with Kiki, not with him. Minho is trying not to be grossed out from the saliva that would touch his skin when the fabric falls out of his mouth, but it is hard.
“Channie! Sungie has a surprise!” Jisung singsongs, and the little’s white baby blanket and husky come into view, making Chan’s eyes sparkle when he turns his head from the TV.
“Kiki!” Chan holds his arms out, and immediately the well-loved husky is crushed into Chan’s chest with one arm, followed by his well-loved baby blanket being rubbed on his cheeks. “T’ank you, Jiji.”
“You are so welcome, baby. Felix has a warm hoodie for you if you want it.” Jisung turns to his twin, basically, who is standing behind him, but Chan bites his lip, rubbing his still scratched-up arms before whimpering with a head shake, his lips quivering into a telltale sign he might cry. “Don’t cry, honey. That’s okay; it’ll be here if you want it, okay?”
He just nods, curling himself up to Minho while Felix sets the hoodie down behind him with a small sad smile. He directed his focus to the TV again, watching Bingo and Bluey run around on the screen. Kiki always finds some way into Chan’s mouth, be it her ears, tail, or paw, or anything to chew, and Minho really wants to tug it out of his mouth, but it wouldn’t really help until he had his pacifier to swap.
Over time, Chan finally has all his things and is all situated and comfortable. Kiki is saved from having her ear chewed to nothing by Hyunjin finding his pacifier, and he’s cozied up on the couch after Minho’s tailbone began to ache from the hard floor, and he’s sure Chan’s knees don’t appreciate being so squished up or his tailbone after being on the floor for who knows how long.
Minho did have to shoo the others away besides Changbin to the rest of them’s disappointment due to Chan beginning to get overwhelmed by all his hyungs. Even if it was just them, he still just wanted his space.
It was getting late; Changbin was already saying his goodnights after two episodes of Bluey. Minho glanced at the clock every few minutes, watching it get later and later, his sleepiness catching up to him. Minho also refused to sleep on the couch & mess up his neck as well as make Chan sleep on the uncomfortable couch too.
He paused the TV before it could play the next episode, Chan frowning before he rubbed his eye. Minho silently hopes tonight isn’t a bad insomnia night, and maybe he can fall asleep with him.
He helped the regressed leader walk around the dorm with him as he cleaned up Chan’s dishes from his so-called dinner, helped him carry the hoodie Felix brought him in case he wanted to sleep with it, his Wolfchan hooded blanket, his baby blanket, and Kiki into Minho’s after he shook his head when the oldest caregiver pointed to the door leading to his and Jeongin’s dorm.
The caregiver sped up the nightly routine the best he could, knowing Chan would be quite upset if something in his routine had been turned into a mess due to his headspace, even though Minho didn’t really use the same things he did.
He still did try, remembering the steps as if they were his own, watching the way the little’s eyes fluttered, and badly wanted to submit to the slumber begging to take him.
He also made sure to remember to clean Chan’s arms a tad before they head to bed, to shut up his own brain about what happened today. He apologized countless times when the septic made Chan jolt.
When they got to Minho’s bedroom, Chan immediately let go so he could faceplant onto the caregiver’s bed, and he couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him.
“Ready for bed, huh?” Minho smiles at the sprawled-out leader in his bed, getting himself situated and comfortable with Chan next to him. “Goodnight, Channie.”
“Night, ‘Min-hyung,” Chan mutters around his pacifier, snuggling close to Minho with his husky stuffed animal squished between them like a pancake.
The next morning, he’s heard at least thirty apologies (and still counting) by the time breakfast is served at the table.
Thirty-one and counting when Hyunjin opens his mouth to apologize again as Chan tries digging into his banchan.
“That’s your fifth apology alone, Hyunjin,” Chan says before he can put his food in his mouth, hovering over his bowl with his chopsticks. “It’s fine.”
“I’ll apologize until I turn purple if I have to,” Hyunjin responds in defense, and he apologizes another two times before Chan goes into the kitchen for lunch and before he starts his shower.
Fifty apologies by lunch, Felix makes Chan brownies for ‘only him to touch’ after he finishes his lunch, and Jeongin draws him a warm bath with his favorite bath salt and iced pineapple juice in the mid-afternoon with a gentle apology as he helps put his hair products in his hair.
By dinner, the number ranked to a solid seventy and a half—Chan cutting Minho short of his twentieth apology since lunch when he about had it with the constant apologies, and he lost his patience at the dinner table when Jeongin began whispering one to him.
“Okay, guys, genuinely. The apologies are getting excessive. I get it, you’re sorry. You don’t have to say any more,” Chan said, playing around with his chopsticks. He didn’t expect a frown from any of them, but he was met with a few of them that made him put his head back down when he looked up from his plate.
“We left you home alone in the headspace of a child, Channie-hyung. How can we not apologize constantly for doing that to you? You trusted us with your coping mechanism, and we threw your trust back into your face,” Seungmin commented after a bit of silence, and Chan blinked blankly at him. “We should be begging for your forgiveness; we should be having blood debts for you, not even blowing up on us about the situation. I don’t understand how you aren’t mad about this.”
“Because I burdened you guys with this, why should I expect you guys to be perfect? It’s not—”
“Don’t you dare say you are burdening us when that’s not the case here at all,” Changbin cut in, his tone a bit angered. “We want to be there to help, Chan. We will make mistakes, as we are human, but that is larger than a simple mistake. This is irresponsibility and disrespect to you.”
“It’s really not,” Chan nervously laughs, trying to ease the panic beginning to settle in his body like a simmering pot of water waiting to boil.
“It is, Chan. How would you feel if you had accidentally forgotten my techniques for my panic attacks and you just got up and left and didn’t come back until hours later?” Jisung mentioned it, and Chan frowned.
“That’s—That’s so much different. I would feel disgusted with myself; I don’t think I could ever do that. There’s so much that can go wrong; I am just in a headspace. Ji’s panic attacks can make him sick! He—he can stop breathing and—and pass out. How could my stupid headspace even compare to that?” Chan watches the way they share his frown, and he can’t help the tears that burn his eyes and make him blink up to the ceiling to not cry in front of them. “I’m sorry—I just wish I could understand why you guys care so much about this, but I don’t, and it’s so frustrating.”
“We can help you understand if you let us. Let us take care of you; let us prove to you that we truly respect you and your headspace. You will never have to experience being alone when you don’t want to be when little ever again,” Minho added in, and Chan blinks—he continues. “What happened yesterday was completely our fault, our failure to continue building your trust for you, big and little, and also our inability to genuinely be responsible caregivers for you. You deserve better than what we did to you yesterday.”
“I—“
“Let me finish, Chan,” Minho cuts him off in a tone that makes his jaw shut with a gentle click. “You always try to diminish your feelings to try to protect our feelings. You don’t need to give us blanketed responses for how you truly feel.”
“I can’t treat you guys how I did back then. I can’t; I was so cruel when you guys were working just as hard. I regret it so much; I can’t make you guys have that again,” Chan explained, out of breath and seeming to have that tone in his voice he usually has when he’s about to cry. “You guys don’t deserve anger over something you are still learning, something I just threw—”
“You think you just threw this on us?” Jeongin speaks up, and Chan blinks at him—almost dumbfounded.
Is that what he was trying to say?
Was he trying to say he just threw his regression on his poor members when he’s supposed to be the strongest person on the team so they could lean on him all at once if they had to?
He wasn’t trying to say that. Maybe he wanted to say he got selfish with it, got blinded by the possibilities, or maybe he just handed it to them without thinking?
“You didn’t throw that on us, Chan. We offered, remember? The day after you dropped so bad you just wanted to be held by Minho and rocked for hours until you stopped crying,” Jeongin tried to ignore the wince in Chan’s face at the memory to continue. “When you asked all of us to cuddle with you in your bed, even if we couldn’t fit, some of us slept on the floor after you fell asleep, but we still waited until you fell asleep to move. The morning after, we came to the conclusion to help you so you could feel better and less stressed. We offered to help you, Chan.”
Jeongin was waiting for Chan to snap back with a selfless reply, build another excuse for their actions of yesterday once again, or even try to paint himself as the villain from the beginning of their building dynamic.
Instead, Chan laid his arms crossed with his forearms stacked on top of each other, and Jeongin caught a glimpse of his eyes twinkling with unshed tears before he placed his head down on his arms—exhausted.
The table was silent, sharing confused glances, especially at Minho, before the almost quiet cries echoed through and the confused glances turned into concerned ones.
“Hey, Channie. It’s okay,” Minho spoke gently, almost hushed. “Just breathe; it’s alright. It’s just us here, okay? Do you need to take a second?”
Chan nodded, and the table fell silent, with just the sound of the little one’s heavy breaths as he tried to calm down. After a while, and when he finally felt calm enough, he tilted his head up to rest his chin on his arms, staring at the table.
“Feel better?” Felix questioned, and Chan flicked to meet eyes with Felix before he nodded. “I’m glad you feel better, baby.”
“‘M sorry,” Chan muttered as he turned back to stare at the table, and Minho rubbed his back soothingly.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Channie baby. Just big feelings for a little pup, hm? We just want you to know that we are sorry about what happened and that you can feel whatever you want about it & we will understand,” Minho explained gently, moving his hand up to Chan’s hair to gently pat it. “Do you get why we are apologizing? Even just a little?”
Chan nods before Minho hums, “Okay, good. That’s all that matters. Do you want to move to the couch and have a movie night?”
Chan nods again, and everyone moves quickly to get rid of dishes and clean, with Jeongin on Chan duty to help get the living room movie night ready.
The little helped with blankets and stray throw pillows on members’ beds to put on the ground to make it comfy for anyone who couldn’t fit on the couch, adding a few more blankets when he deemed it still uncomfortable before he was pleased and picked his spot on the long side of the couch—his favorite spot.
The members joined a bit later, Minho sitting next to him and Felix cuddling with him on the long side, with Hyunjin pouting at the other Aussie before taking a seat on the floor. The others were filing in before Hyunjin stole the remote to turn on the TV.
“What do you want to watch, Channie?” Hyunjin asked, turning to him to make eye contact, and Chan thought for a moment, clutching his husky a little harder to his chest as the other reminded him, “Anything you want.
“Lilo & Stitch?” Chan mutters with a small head tilt, and Hyunjin nods, turning back around to turn it on as a smile slides onto the little’s face.
As the animation started, Chan got more comfortable in his spot, leaning onto Minho’s shoulder and letting Felix cuddle him. His small giggles when Stitch drank chocolate milk out of the baby bottle lit up everyone’s face in the room, and Minho looked away from the TV a bit later to see Chan gently losing the ability to stay awake.
Felix had already fallen asleep, using Chan’s shoulder as a pillow, and now he was following suit, which made Minho smile a bit more and whisper into his hair, “Sleep well, Channie baby.”
By the end of the movie, almost all the members were asleep besides Changbin and Minho, who stole the remote from a sleeping Hyunjin to play another movie until sleep took them under too.
Just before, though, Minho placed a sleepy kiss on Chan's head, feeling him snuggle more into him.
When he woke up the next morning, he smelled Minho’s cologne faintly where he was snuggled into him as well as Felix’s arms around his waist.
He smiled before closing his eyes again, letting sleep take him under with the feeling of love swarming in his chest.