Chapter Text
Dan Howell had been called many things in his life. Few of them had been of a kind nature, and nevertheless was forced to agree with the words. He could admit he wasn’t the fairest judge of that assessment, but he also was the only one. Nevertheless, he would not stand for being called lazy.
Not when he spent his days studying for a degree he never would have chosen himself, and the nights pulling espresso shots to desperate night time folks. Being a barista was most definitely not all it was cracked up to be, but it kept him independent. Kept his rent paid, his fridge filled, and his gaming library satisfactory equipped. The romanticised version of coffee shops and baristas had initially lured him into picking this job as a side hustle for his undergrad. He had quickly learned that romanticisation was just a nice word for lies. The few perks this job had was that 1) few annoying people showed up to a night time coffee shop and 2) he got as much coffee as he – and his heart – could handle.
“That’d be £4, card or cash?” The person in front of him kept trying to tap their phone to the reader and it took everything in Dan to not sigh or roll his eyes. “Card then?” The person continued to just tap the phone on the reader. The eye roll couldn’t be held back anymore, so Dan gave in. Not that the person would have seen given that they stared at the card reader. “I’ll just make that cappuccino real quick for you.” He continued his one-sided conversation with the customer that clearly didn’t want to be here. Late night date? Dan mused, sneaking a quick look to assess the guys appearance. Or a deadline. He concluded, hoping that he did not choose this fit if it was a date after all.
Most of the customers were students who definitely didn’t forget about an assignment, or just people who had given up on fighting their insomnia. Most of them had become regulars at the shop, and Dan even dared to call some of them acquaintances. Like PJ and Sophie who very occasionally stopped by these days but had been Dan’s first regulars when he had initially started.
After leaving the cappuccino on the counter for that annoying customer to completely ignore, he moved back to the main bit of the till. Picking up his own coffee and gently nursing the warm liquid. He loved the latest shipment of guest roasters they had in at the moment, a lovely medium light roast with just a hint of acidity.
He took another deep gulp and couldn’t help the content sigh that escaped his lips.
“That looks like its hitting the right spot!” Dan almost jumped out of his skin at the unfamiliar voice whose owner had materialised in front of the cash register. He only almost drops the cup in his hands and the man on the other side of the till suddenly looked mighty apologetic. “Oh no shit sorry! I didn’t mean to spook you!” Dan, under the guise of composing himself, couldn’t help but stare at the most gorgeous human he had ever seen.
The man almost seemed ethereal with his smooth skin and soft blonde hair. The silence hung just for a second too long and the man’s apologetic face became more concerned. Don’t be weird! Say something! “Ah no worries! I should have paid more attention! Though you did just kind of materialise out of nowhere.” Smooth Howell, that was not weird at all.
It seemed to do the trick nevertheless as the other man’s expression melted into a soft laugh. “That is very true, how rude of me. Would it be possible to nevertheless request a cup of the same thing you’re having over there? That looked insanely good - the coffee too.” Dan was not sure if he was blushing or having a stroke, potentially both. “Erhm eh yeah sure! It’s just a black coffee with the beans from our guest roaster this month!” The man smiled again and Dan might have just died then and there. How could a man be so pretty?!
And why was he reacting like a 14 year old?!
“That sounds delightful! Is it like an americano?” “Yeah but without the war crimes.” Dan found his mouth acting quicker than his brain and he was very glad that no one else was on shift that night. Phil started laughing and suddenly Dan didn’t care that he could have gotten into so much trouble for saying that.
“Hm that is a very good point. One black coffee with the guest beans?” Dan nodded and started the process of preparing the coffee for the man. “What do I owe you for that?” He inquired but Dan just shook his head. “Don’t worry it’s on me. Partially because you just had to endure the most awkward conversation on earth and partially because I am still fine tuning the grind settings for the beans so maybe this will be shit, who knows.” The other man’s smile broadened even more. “You really know how to pitch your product to a customer huh?” Dan let out the weirdest sound he had ever heard himself make, hoping it resembled a laugh, before focusing on the process ahead of him.
He was determined to make this the best coffee he had ever made and while he knew there was not much he could do to achieve this unattainable goal, he would still try.
It must have worked because the following night the man was back. “Couldn’t stop thinking about that coffee! Do you have any other recommendations?” Dan blushed, knowing that something he had made had been on the mind of the other man. Apparently enough to make him return to his next shift.
Dan almost couldn’t feel the ache in his bone from not having slept much.
Over the following weeke the two of them appeared to have fallen into a comfortable routine. Meaning that every night at around 11pm the stranger who trusted Dan’s opinion on coffee would appear in the front of the till. Dan wasn’t yet convinced that he didn’t just materialise. But this silver lining in the middle of his shift, was what kept him going throughout the days, which seemed so much darker than his nights did these days.
“I’m Phil by the way.” Dan almost tripped over his own feet while standing still when the other man – Phil – once again just appeared. “And I am having a heart attack!” He laughs and Phil couldn’t help but join. “Oh I am very sorry having-a-heart-attack, just felt weird calling you barista guy in my brain.” Dan’s heart did something funny when he considered that Phil was thinking about him at all. “Sooo should I just call you having-a-heart attack or can we like shorten it to haha?” Dan rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the snort that escaped him. “That would be fitting, wouldn’t it. But how about we try it with Dan.” Phil honestly stretched out his hand for Dan to shake. Dan couldn’t believe he actually did take the others quite cold hand to do so. “Nice to meet you Dan.” And the smile radiating off his face was so much warmer than anything Dan had ever felt.
Later that night Dan realised something very important: he was doomed.
Falling for a man who he only just learned the name of. A man that probably had an entire life outside of that coffee shop that held Dan hostage for 6 hours a night. Sure they had talked sometimes, joked around some, but all Dan really knew about Phil was his name and his coffee order.
Maybe it was better this way. For one, Phil could never shatter the person that Dan had built him up to be in his gay little head. But more importantly: Phil would never have to deal with the mess that Dan Howell was outside of that coffee shop.
Where for most people work was what they fled from into their cosy homes, Dan felt more and more like work was his only escape from life.
Uni was brutal. Not just the material, but the people. Was law just a magnet for mean people? He had to admit that his appearance at uni was sparse, and while it would be easier to blame the others for treating him badly, it was more that they didn’t even acknowledge him. He was a wallflower in a sea of confident and loud roses.
Maybe that was part of the reason he had built up Phil so much in his head. Him and some of the other regulars were the only people he talked to. His parents wouldn’t pick up the phone if they saw it was him calling and them calling him always meant heartache and a migraine.
“Do you mind if I stick around the bar tonight?” Phil had asked on a Monday evening. Dan had had an especially bad day and maybe it was advertised above his head with a neon sign, or maybe Phil could read minds. Whatever it was, Dan could feel his shoulders relax for the first time that day.
“Is this like your full-time job?” Phil had suddenly asked. Dan shook his head. “No I mean kind of? I am in uni and just trying to not take out too much of a student loan.” Phil hummed. “Oh that’s smart! What do you study?” He asked intently, his eyes never leaving Dan as he took a shallow sip of his coffee. Dan huffed. “Law.” He stated before moving onto drying the next cup with the tea towel he held. “Sounds like you are definitely living your dream.” Phil remarked with sarcasm, and while Dan would have loved to just play it off, he found he couldn’t.
“It…its complicated.” Phils playful expression melted into a concerned one right away. “How come?” Dan couldn’t help the sad little smile forming on his face. “Let’s just say it wasn’t my first choice. Or second. Or my choice for that matter.” Phil looked at him with these big blue eyes and it was like they compelled him to keep going. “I- my parents are quite ambitious. It would help them a lot if their son was a lawyer. I guess.” Dan was very unsure how to classify the expression on Phil’s face but the combination of confusion and distaste almost made him laugh. “I told you it’s a bit complicated.” “But why don’t you do what you want?” Dan stops dead in his track, a chilling sensation running down his spine.
If Dan had had a choice in the matter he would be six feet under by now.
But even that was not permitted.
“I mean- there must be something you are passionate about!” Phil exclaims, who must have sensed the sudden shift in Dan’s demeanour. The latter cleared his throat, trying to compose himself. “Can hardly study video games and existential crisis.” “I mean sounds just like English Literature to me.” “Well English Lit will not impress my parent’s church so I guess lawyer it is.” Phil gawked, mouth genuinely hanging open with disbelief.
“They’re making you do this to impress people at church?!” The genuine confusion and borderline outrage in Phil’s expression healed something in Dan, that he had not known needed healing. Out of reflex he snorts instead. “Yeah…they needed a way to make them all forget that I am a, and I quote, blasphemous sinner who needs to repent for his sins.” Phil again was speechless, his mouth hanging open in genuine disbelief. His lips forming an almost perfect O. A very pretty O.
“What the actual fuck?! WHAT?!” He exclaimed so loudly that everyone in the café, a total of 2 people, turned their heads. But Phil seemed to either not notice or care. Dan could only ever dream of being so nonchalant. “Did you murder someone?! Wait no don’t tell me in public!” Dan giggled. “Oh its much worse than that.” He theatrically looked around before leaning forward to whisper. “It’s because I’m a homosexual.” He stage-whispered and laughed. It feels good to say it out loud. To laugh. To say it like it wasn’t the reason he almost-
Phil seemed to have been taken aback by how close Dan had been for his not so secret confession, but after a moment he too giggles. “Oh no what a crime. Ah wait no I am guilty too! I don’t want to study law tho!”
Maybe it’s the ease with which Phil says it or maybe its Dan’s delusions, but his heart seemed to skip a beat. “Hm I am sure they would come up with a similarly cruel punishment.” Phil raised his eyebrows, the scepticism evident in his expression. “There are few fates as cruel and unusual as studying law.” He said sombrely. Dan sighed, the reality of that statement aching his heart. “Inclined to agree.” He mumbled, as a new customer entered the shop, forcing his and Phil’s conversation to an end.
After coming home and getting ready for bed, Dan was unable to find rest let alone sleep.
The ease of Phil’s words, the genuine outrage in his eyes.
Nobody had ever been so genuine with him. He couldn’t remember the last time his parents looked at him with a genuine emotion beyond disappointment or disdain.
And while yes, for some reason Phil had started to take up a significant amount of space in Dan’s brain, he was a customer at his job.
Dan knew he was pathetic but this…it just felt like a new low. That did not stop him from taking that little bit of joy in his everlasting sorrow.
With the last bit of late summer passing, the days grew shorter, which seemed to correlate with Phil arriving earlier at the shop each day. Not that Dan was paying too much attention.
“You seem nervous.” He had said around the midnight mark. Throughout the evening they had been chatting on and off, customers rarely interrupting their flow. At Phil’s words Dan couldn’t help but grimace. “Results are due soon.” Phil hummed. “You anxious about bad grades?” Dan huffed. “I wish I could say I wasn’t but…I had to re-sit a module. And if I failed it again I can’t continue.” Dan knew by now that Phil was not the biggest fan of Dan doing law. Mostly because the reason why Dan was doing law seemed to stem from a place of hatred rather than passion. While nobody really deserved life like this in Dan’s eyes, he felt it a fitting punishment for his existence.
“I can’t…fail this. Not this too.” He spoke with a heaviness that was usually reserved for his inner self alone. “I don’t think…you can understand and honestly I am glad you don’t but…I ruined their life. This is least I can do.” He whispered.
The deep sadness in Phil’s eyes felt undeserving. “Sorry for killing the mood. Haven’t been getting quite the amount of sleep I usually need.” He adds the last bit with a smile that’s meant to be cocky, but he’s aware that it’s just a bit pathetic. Phil looked utterly unconvinced. “You ruined their life by just…experiencing love?” For a long moment Dan was at a loss for words. “I- I mean it’s not like I had or even have anyone to love. Apparently my existence alone is gay enough and I don’t know. Damn sorry for the trauma dump, seriously I know the NHS is busy but you don’t need to take over their job.” Again, a sad last attempt at moving the attention away from himself. Phil seemed to understand. “I don’t think I’d be qualified either way.” “Na you are a great listener. Can’t believe you keep coming back even though I keep yapping away every night.” For split second Phil looked rather flustered. “I mean where else would I get this good a combination of coffee and company?”
Was
Was he flirting with Dan?!
Surely
No.
It was Dan’s turn to look flustered, and despite all his best efforts he could feel his face heat up. “Flattery won’t get you discount mate.” He quipped and when Phil laughed he found he didn’t even care if he was a gay mess right that moment.
The little bit of bliss Dan had carved out for himself at work could of course not last forever. Few good things ever lasted in Dan’s life and really after all those years he should have seen this coming.
That day had started like most days did for him. A little too late, coffee a little too bitter, and everything a little too skewed.
He had been on the bus heading towards central, when he got the email notification.
Two emails at once.
The entire world seemed to halter in that moment, neither the noise of the bus nor the people pushing past him registered to his brain.
He opened the mail with the subject line RESULTS RESIT SPRING TERM first. Not even daring to read the subject line of the second email.
When his eyes finally found that one grade that would make or break him, he could feel his blood freeze. The world was not just skewed anymore, it had just fallen off axis. He didn’t need to be a genius to understand what the second email entailed. Yet the autopilot in his hand took over and he opened it.
“Dear Mr. Howell,
Due to repeated failure to achieve a reasonable grade for passing of the second year modules, the LSE Law School has withdrawn you from-“
Dan couldn’t continue reading. He could barely breath. His phone the only tether to this realm at the second.
The bus hit the brakes a little too hard and Dan felt himself falling. He felt his knees hit the dirty floor and tried to communicate to his arms to catch him. By some miracle they did – with his phone still in hand.
The bus doors opened and Dan darted. He didn’t know where he was. Had never gotten off at that stop. Maybe if he just walked the same direction back he’d end up at his flat. His legs were carrying him before he had finished the thought. The entire way felt like a trance. A weird dream, one of those where it was unclear if it is a dream or reality after all. Just the way nightmares presented themselves. Sadly he knew he wouldn’t wake up, this would not be over by dawn, and he had his entire life to live with the knowledge that he fucked up the one thing he was not meant to fuck up.
A sudden, sharp pain cut through the fog encapsulating him and his body, like a ray of sunlight. Looking at his clenched fist holding his phone, he slowly opened the hand. His phone screen must have cracked when he used it to soften his fall. The cracks were not particularly deep, just one corner had several small shards protruding. Which had now cut into the palm of his hand. Not enough to draw blood, but enough for him to realise that he was closer to his flat than he had thought and rushed to get home.
Standing in his bathroom he know that this was stupid. He was well aware that he was throwing away years of effort and fight to stay clean. But the sting of his cracked phone had felt like the only bit of salvation available to him in this very moment.
So yes, Dan Howell knew that unscrewing his pencil sharpener was not the ‘right’ thing to do in this moment – it was nevertheless the only thing he could.
Once the silver had touched the skin of his thighs it felt like he was welcoming home an old friend. A toxic and lying old friend, but one that for a little while would make all the thoughts disappear. Make him feel like this was real and not a nightmare that he couldn’t wake up from, not matter how hard he tried. The blood running down the side of his knee was warm and welcoming.
Just today. Just to cope. I won’t go overboard. Again.
The lies he told himself. He was hoping they would not turn out to be lies. But he also knew himself better.
The world did not care if life was collapsing. Much less did work. While he could most definitely had called in sick, Dan didn’t want to. He needed every pence he could get now that his student status was about to be revoked. No more maintenance loan. And even worse once he would be working full time he’d have to start paying back his loans. All of these thoughts were burning through his mind like a wildfire, consuming every last bit of oxygen he could have used to breath.
The one thing, the one beautiful thing, that Dan was looking forward to was Phil. He would come by, get his black coffee, and maybe tell Dan a funny story about a squirrel. Because that’s who Phil was.
Dan’s sun on the nighttime sky.
The entire shift Dan just went about the motions, but really he wasn’t there. Not a single coherent thought was able to form itself, it felt like trying to grab and hold onto smoke. That was until the door opened around 10pm. Dan looked up, hoping and praying it would be Phil. Somewhere in his mind he scolded himself for being so pathetic over a customer, but right that moment he would take anything to feel alive.
“Hey why are you looking so down tonight?” Phil asked with a mixture of his light-hearted energy and genuine concern. Dan was not sure which one he thought was worse. “Just uhm long day.” He said quietly, which seemed to only confuse Phil more. “Oh…I am sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” Dan knew he usually would have given a sarcastic remark, but he couldn’t bring up the energy. Not tonight. So he just shook his head. “Black one with the guest?” Phil seemed genuinely confused now, he never had seen Dan like this. Yes stressed out of his mind rambling, but this gloomy silence seemed to scare the other man. “Yes please I was looking forward to it all day.” He sends a genuine smile in Dan’s direction and for the first time that day, as if on reflex, Dan smiles too. “I am sorry you feel bad. I mean it though. If you ever wanna talk. I really enjoy your company you know?” The tears burning in Dan’s eyes had him immensely grateful that he had his back turned towards the till. Preparing the coffee in silence, as he knew his voice would betray him. Phil probably hated him right that moment, having opened up just to be seemingly ignored. But when Dan finally turned back, freshly brewed coffee in hand, he was greeted with a gentle and patient expression on Phil’s face. “I-“ He wanted to say so many things that moment, all those weeks of secretly and not so secretly flirting with each other bubbling under his skin. Yet nothing came past his lips. “I understand if I might be a bit too forward and I’m sorry if you’re like ‘ew why would I wanna spend time with you’ but I mean if you are ever off in the evenings maybe we uh maybe we can grab a non-caffeinated drink some time?”
Why did he have to ask today. Any other day Dan would have jumped at the opportunity, he still was desperate to. But instead of just saying ‘yes I’d love to do that’ he couldn’t stop the tears from welling back up. “I- that- yes?” Panic was written on Phil’s face, clearly confused and desperate to help. “Are you sure?” He asked, his voice a bit too high pitched. As if hit by lightning he suddenly started scramming around his coat pocket. Once he had produced the tissue he had been looking for, he handed it to Dan. “I am sorry, I- maybe I shouldn’t have asked. I have been meaning to ask you for a while but it never felt the right moment and you looked so sad tonight and I thought-“ Dan couldn’t help the teary laugh that bubbled up his throat. “No I- this is not your fault. I mean. I had a really long day. And I would love to grab a non-caffeinated drink sometime. Sorry I am a mess.” He said the latter part silently, but Phil heard him nonetheless. “Hey its- I promise I am a mess too!” Somehow Dan found that hard to believe. He still let Phil’s presence wash over him like the first rays of sunlight after a cold long winter.
That night, Phil waited until Dan’s shift was over. “You really don’t have to do this you know. I’m a big boy.” Phil nodded, a mock serious expression on his face. “Yes I am well aware. I want to tho.” And thus Phil walked Dan home.
As Dan was lying in his bed, he found that the fog wasn’t gone, but that the sun was shining too.
He wasn’t sure how it reached his parents. It had been a couple of days since he had gotten the information and a part of him had hoped he could prolong the inevitable fallout a little longer – if not forever. Work had been…nice these past couple nights. Phil had since then insisted on walking him home each night, never expecting anything in return. Dan hadn’t told him why he was so down in the dumps. Not ready to confront the reality of things.
Now however he did not have a choice.
“Daniel James Howell.” Fuck.
“Mother.” “Don’t take that tone with me young man! Mind explaining why we received mail confirming you have been withdrawn from law school?!”
Of fucking course. He had never changed his address in the uni portal. And his parents did not believe that mail addressed to him was intended only for him. “I- uhm.” “Use proper words! I did not raise someone to stutter like this!” Dan took a deep breath. His mothers words cut deeper than his razor had ever reached. “To think we ever believed in you! What will the congregation say?! Father Jacob was really counting on you to represent him eventually!” A cold shiver ran down Dan’s spine. Knowing that the cult-like congregation he had so narrowly escaped from had counted on him eventually becoming a barrister was harrowing. Knowing why Father Jacob had counted on that made him feel sick. “I know mother. I am sorry mother.” “Oh but sorry won’t fix this will it?! What will you do to do that?! How could you even just begin to try!” “I don’t know.” Dan felt rather than heard himself speak the words. A shadow was falling over his head, his vision becoming blurry. “Of course you don’t know. You are of the devil. The only way-“ she took a deep breath, as if to steal herself. “The only way you could have redeemed that fag soul of yours is by serving your community. I can’t-“ Another moment of silence. “When are you coming home then.”
Everything was sharp. As if he had fallen into a lake of ice water, Dan felt more alert and present than he had in weeks. “What – what do you mean?!” “Well don’t expect us to pay for that sinful way of life! And you have penance to do! If you can’t serve the congregation as a lawyer we will have to get creative. We will save your soul.” The threat in her voice made him sick.
“I am not coming back.” He said with a strength in his voice, he could barely believe himself. “Wha- of course you are! You are doomed Daniel! We need to cleanse you!”
“No. I am not leaving London. And I am sure as hell never coming back to…to that place!” “Damn you Daniel! We have raised you to be better than this! Tho shall respect your mother and father!” “Yeah?! Well what about loving your child unconditionally?!” “You make unconditional love an impossible challenge!” She yelled.
Dan wasn’t sure who hung up. He hoped it was him. For his own pride. Or whatever was left of it.
Fuck.
The siren song of cold metal and warm blood was singing under his skin. He could feel the burning on his wrists, begging for release. As if the blood it held was venomous. Maybe it was.
He wasn’t sure why he broke his own tradition of carving up his thighs. Maybe a part of him was hoping he’d nick the right artery. Bleed the sin out the way he was raised. The lines he carved on his lower arm felt distant, but the blood was like a warm hug. Maybe it was never about the pain. Maybe he just wanted something warm to touch him. Hold him. Tell him he’d be okay. Not counting the wounds he had opened he realised that while he was not particularly keen on living in that moment, he had work later. Nobody would be able to take his shift. He couldn’t let Phil down. Was looking forward to see his sunshine and unfairly counting on him to make him feel like gentle words were not forbidden.
So he wrapped his right arm up, poorly yes but he had tried. Long sleeve shirt. Nobody would be the wiser. An added bonus of his chosen placement was that he needed to move his arm and wrist a lot, having the wounds struggle to fully close and hurt on each movement. At least something that he could rely on.
Like every night, Dan was on autopilot until roughly 10pm. Like a sleeper agent his consciousness would return to the forefront of his mind, knowing that Phil was close. And when the door did open, his very own portion of sunshine came in, smiling brightly. He could feel a little bit of those cold and bitter fangs that had buried themselves in his heart and spine melt away.
“Good evening bar maiden.” He laughed at his own…well it was not really a joke but nevertheless Dan found himself smiling. “Good evening my lord.” He did a little bow, stretching his arm long behind him for theatrics. For just a moment he could feel the sting of a cut opening and he was grateful for both the bandages and his dark clothes. When he returned to his normal posture, Phil looked haunted. “I- “ there seemed to be something wrong with his eyes, causing Dan to step closer to the till. But right away Phil moved a step back. “Oh I uhm I have a thing tonight! Just wanted to eh say hi. Sorry.”
And with that, the sun had excited the sky, rushing out of the door and away from Dan.
While Dan had denied himself to admit how much he had been relying on Phil, as he was left standing in front of the cash register as a deep rooted realisation washed over him.
This was the beginning of his end.