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Dear Nat,
I know you never want to see me again. You probably hate me and whatever I say may not make a difference anymore, but I wanted to give you this letter. Although, it’s possible that it was slipped underneath the apartment door and no one was there to physically deliver it. I’m not writing because of me; I’m writing because of us and the way things ended.
Natasha, I am so sorry.
I’m sorry for how I left things in the end.
For the way I started to pull away when things got tough. When I started to shut down instead of facing my demons. When you fought with a brick wall instead of a human-being who acknowledged your pain and understood your thoughts and feelings. I’m sorry that I caused you so much hurt.
I’m sorry that I left you alone in our shared home. That I couldn’t see a way out so I ran. I thought that the best thing to do was to cut ties before every single thing I touch gets turned to ashes. I know I promised I would never leave, but I couldn’t keep up anymore.
I knew that you wanted me to stay, to stay and fight for us, but I was drowning and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t come up for air.
I watched you ruin yourself day after day, night after night, trying to take care of both of us. Trying to put back together broken puzzle pieces that’ll never fit again. And I couldn’t bear to watch you continue destroying yourself for me. You spent years fighting your own battles and your own demons; you didn’t deserve to fight mine too.
I’m sorry that I never said goodbye.
I’m sorry that I left you crying in the bathroom alone instead of coming to comfort you. I should've known that you never truly needed comfort, that you just needed me there with you. That simply having me there with you was enough. I didn’t think I was enough for you. I didn’t think my presence was a good enough comfort for you. That my broken pieces were enough to heal your fractures.
I’m sorry that I broke your heart.
To be honest, I don’t know if I’m writing this letter to bring closure to you or to myself. I keep telling myself that I’m writing this for you so that you can move on, when, maybe, it’s really for me. Being haunted by your memory hurts in a way I never thought was possible, but I’m not sorry for loving you. I will never be sorry for that. Maybe in another world, in another life, there’s a place where we feel no pain and all our doubts, fears, and resentment withered away. But that’s not this life and the damage done is irreparable. If I had to do it all over again, I would still run. Because I would rather you live for someone shining in the light than someone suffocating in the darkness.
I hope you find someone that will treat you better than I ever did, that they make you happy until your last breath. I hope that one day you’ll find it in yourself to forgive me. I’ve hoped for a lot of things in life, most of which I’ve given up on believing in. But the one hope I will never give up on is you finding your forever person.
я тебя люблю, Natalia Alianovna Romanova. I always will.
Y/N
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Dear Natasha’s forever person,
I hope that you treat Natasha with the respect she deserves. That you treat her nicely and spend time making her smile as wide as she can. I hope you love her as much as she loves you. Even though she won’t say it, Natasha wears her heart on her sleeve and loves with her entire being.
I hope that Natasha feels safe enough to be able to hold and be herself with you in front of her big, dysfunctional, but loving family. I hope that Yelena accepts you with open arms and calls you her сестра or брат. I hope that Alexei pulls you into a bone-crushing hug and calls you his child. I hope that Melina pulls her shotgun out on you because she’s worried about Natasha. You don’t need to be scared when that happens though, she knows that Natasha will murder her if anything happens to you. (Secretly, she approves, but she has to keep up her Mama Bear appearance).
I hope that Tony slings his arm around your shoulder and tells you the worst jokes he can think of. I hope that you bond with Steve about the 1900s and spend hours talking with Bruce about biochemistry, engineering, or nuclear physics. I hope that you get along with Sam and Bucky and that you’re able to pull the messiest pranks with them.
I hope that Peter runs to you when he has a problem because it means he trusts you enough to come to you for anything. I hope that you bond amazingly with Clint and treat his kids and Laura with love and admiration. I hope you get to know Wanda through cooking and that you can laugh together about Vision’s inability to detect sarcasm.
I hope that you take care of Natasha in ways I never could.
And although I say that ‘I hope’, I mean that ‘I know’. Because Natasha doesn’t just pick anyone to be her forever person. Please believe that.
And if you ever find it hard to understand Nat, I wrote down some tips and tricks. (You don’t have to use them, just know that they’re here if you ever need help):
Natasha’ll her lip excessively when she’s stressed or when something’s bothering her. Running your hand through her hair helps calm her down. She picks at her nail beds when she’s worried. Don’t scold her about it, she hates that; just take care of her and tell her that you love her. She’s usually freaked out after having a nightmare. Going to Walmart and baking a red velvet cake together helps take her mind off of them. And if that doesn’t work, ask her if you can braid her hair. But wait until she says yes before you make a move.
And when she stares at you with big round eyes, find someplace isolated because it usually means that she misses you and wants a cuddle session. Grab a large hoodie to wear and she’ll burrow herself between the hoodie and you. If she’s ever sad, all you need to do is call her an adorable cheesy nickname. She’ll roll her eyes at first, but you’ll know she loves it because she won’t be able to suppress her grin or her red cheeks.
When she has a breakdown, don’t force her to talk. Just hold her tight and promise that you’ll never let go. Near the end, I couldn’t do that anymore. My demons took over and I wasn’t able to care for her anymore. It’s not an excuse, I just want you to understand that leaving her alone won’t help. She needs someone there to remind her that she’s not who she used to be anymore. That she beat her demons. Just be a comforting presence in her life.
I don’t mean to make it sound like I know it all. It’s just a small guide if you ever get stuck. I wish you the best of luck. And honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I know that she will make you the happiest you could ever be. Because that’s just who she is. And I know that she’ll trust you more than she’s ever trusted anyone else. Just treat her with the respect she deserves and nothing will ever go wrong for you two.
Please know that she isn’t a diamond to be shown off, but a burning ember meant to be cherished and protected.
Sincerely,
Y/N L/N