Archive of Our Own ^beta

the last year of high school. exciting for most, but even more exciting for shane, who was now one year closer to becoming the valedictorian. 

the president of multiple school clubs, the most successful athlete of his generation, the kid that never got a grade below 90, the president of canada's math olympiad team, representing his country internationally... any academic milestone you can think of, he's reached it and turned it upside-down, challenging the previous standards.

he was the living legend of maple high. and he's showing no signs of slowing down.

his class loves him, and the younger generations stare at him as if he were a god walking amongst them in the school hallways. and the teachers. the teachers absolutely adore this boy, hoping they get someone like him in every generation of students, because being one of the people who mentored someone like shane hollander was something to put on a resume. but he was unique. everyone knew that another person like him wouldn't appear in the same area for decades, maybe. 

okay, enough, you got it. 

tl;dr: he's hella talented at everything he does.

god bless the dinosaurs that died and turned into fossils and then fuel, which was in the car that got yuna hollander to the hospital to give birth to him, or whatever that viral tweet said.

other than the countable achievements, the ones he could hang on the wall or have a medal or trophy for, he was also successful in things that actually mattered in life—making connections, leading groups of people. he was the person everyone could count on, the monarch every idealist dreams of, the one who could bring peace with his presence and wisdom alone. he was friendly with everyone and could see the good in you even if you were charged with the most horrifying crimes imaginable. 

i am starting to sound repetitive, right? he's perfect. he's perfect. he's perfect. 

but he was lonely. he was heavily misunderstood. he's been living in a plastic box for everyone to observe, not knowing the world outside of it.

the first day of grade 12 did not go as smoothly as he expected. 

he came early, about twenty minutes before the bell rang to cue the first period, putting his backpack on his spot—the bag hook under the first row desk, right next to the classroom door. 

walking up to the windows, he moved the curtains and breathed in the fresh ottawa september air, enjoying the fact that he at least has this one moment of calm each day, before the school grabs his reins and directs him towards chaos.

no one should be here for at least ten more minutes, he thought, leaning against the open window and watching the school's unofficial pet, a cat named stinker, scratch the bark of a japanese maple tree, shane's favorite out of various school yard plants.

a loud thud of something falling?? interrupted his morning routine this time, just as he checked his watch and thought he'd have another three minutes without human interaction. well, there was still hope for that, it could've been the wind, or an animal, or... well, no, he didn't have the luck this time, it was, indeed, another human.the first thing he saw that made him uncomfortable was a giant, visibly dirty, sports bag on his desk. it didn't take a detective to figure out that's what made the noise. someone throwing that on his desk. 

he looked up at the culprit, surprised to see the quiet kid he never shared a class with before, one he barely ever heard anything about, until his chain of, let's say... incidents, from the last week of previous school year. 

ilya rozanov. 

shane tried so hard not to judge a book by its cover, to get to know people before having a formed opinion; but with this one, that was impossible. 

three years of pacing the same hallways, using the same restrooms, classrooms, gym, ice rink...  everything that the school had to offer, and he not once had a chance to dig deeper into what rozanov was actually like. 

but there were rumors. god, there were so many of them, most sounding so extreme you'd brush them off as obvious lies, but it was all they had to judge rozanov from, no first-hand experience with him that was eventful enough to retell, only legends, stories, and nicknames that came with them.

shane knew that there was much more to him than whatever was talked about, if any of that was even true. people don't like not knowing things, in this situation, not knowing anything about rozanov. so they entertain themselves by just making up scandalous stuff, putting people in existing boxes, something shane also had experience with, even though he was much more extroverted and 'known' by his peers.

shit, he'd been staring at the poor kid for a while now, remembering everything he ever heard about him. it just made his presence there more confusing. 

"um, you're not supposed to put the sports bag on the desk..." he tried to start a conversation, addressing an issue while he's at it, "...though you probably already know that, you're not a new student here," he tried not to sound condescending.

rozanov circled the desk and sat down on the chair next to shane's, looking back at him. "okay." he folded his arms over the bag and put his head down on them, turned to the left so he's still looking at shane. 

okay, he wasn't going to listen. another approach, then. shane put on his signature student council president smile and extended his hand towards the other boy, not thinking about the fact that his hands were under his head and he'd have to shift his position to return the handshake. 

"i'm shane, you might know me from somewhere already, but it's cool if you don't. i'm looking forward to getting to know you better, i suppose you got added to my homeroom and core classes group for this year then?"

he made a noise of combined acknowledging and discomfort as a response, seconds later deciding not to just leave him with that to decipher, saying "yep, new classmate, yay, future best friend," with not a single drop of excitement in his voice. "ilya," he lazily brought one of his hands out from under his head, pointing at himself as if he were saying ilya, this person here, me is ilya. he completed the handshake just as shane was contemplating dropping his hand back to his side.

why did he choose the seat right next to mine? is he one of those psychos that sits next to couples in an empty movie theater? shane thought, sliding onto his chair as the classroom began filling up.

there were whispers right away, some too loud to be considered whispers. people mentioned what they last heard about ilya, talking about a big fight, blood on ice and russian mafia.

that was the cue for shane to stop listening. he finally had the chance to crack this case, the target already moved towards him on his own. ugh, no, he did not like using that word to describe him. he needed to think of an appropriate approach.

"i can't believe he's already trying to taunt shane, first he dares to run for student council president after that shitshow from june, and now he's trying to intimidate the competition" they both heard a girl say to her seatmate from two rows behind them in class. ilya had no reaction, but shane turned around, confusion painting his face. 

he's running for my spot this year? i only ever had rivals who applied as a joke, is this gonna be the same or does he actually want my spot... he wondered as he turned back to face the blackboard. 

next to him, his seatmate looked like he was dozing off and the class hadn't even started yet. he held back from shaking him by his shoulders, not knowing his physical boundaries with other people yet. 

hayden was late. again. 

the careless boy who sat next to shane since the first day of high school unknowingly gave up his golden seat to the most notorious person of grade 12. 

the history teacher, a tall, young man with barely any teaching experience, but a great passion for his subject, walked in, three minutes late. he sat behind his desk and took a glance at the whole room of kids, noticing the odd one right away, but staying quiet. 

he began his lecture about the cold war, disregarding the curriculum that had that topic scheduled for later in the semester. it almost felt personal. almost.

and then it definitely became obvious to everyone that it was, actually, a direct attack when he smirked and called on ilya to share his thoughts with the class. he used a lame excuse of helping ilya get used to speaking in front of his new classmates to seem less unprofessional. 

ilya stayed objective with his comments, not saying anything juicy enough for the teacher and class to get excited about. and then he put his head back down on the desk, his bag now moved to the floor.

and he'd probably put his face on that again later, gross. shane frowned at that thought, interrupted by ilya's almost inaudible 'fucking bigot piece of shit', which surprised shane so much he couldn't hold back a chuckle, his hand flying to cover his mouth, not wanting to interrupt the class, even though he didn't like this teacher.

there was an urgent sounding knock on the door before hayden walked in, catching his breath after running to get there, probably. "sorry i'm late, won't happen again," he said, still not breathing normally. it would definitely happen again.

when he went to sit on his usual spot, he saw that it was already occupied. well someone was gonna snatch that valuable spot next to shane, i had it coming, he thought, not taking a closer look to see who it was, only looking at shane with a slightly sad and annoyed expression, heading towards the empty seat in the back, and sitting down.

the lesson felt extremely biased, the teacher was an american man with nationalistic tendencies, and he could never be objective enough to be a good history teacher, but they were stuck with him all semester, unfortunately.

shane also remembered getting targeted by him in a class last year, as they mentioned japan's role in ww2, as if he had anything to do with that.

the bell saved them from having to listen to more propaganda, kids grouped up in already established cliques, and shane was just left in limbo. he belonged in every group, but also not a single one truly.

a group of jocks grabbed him and dragged him towards the hallway, making a circle around him, excited to talk about something, but also trying to be very secretive with it. 

as one of them started talking, the rest joined, voices overlapping, making shane's head hurt already. he could barely make out what the third of the chatter was. 

"did rozanov threaten you? is he holding you hostage? blackmailing you?"

"be careful around that kid, shane, he punched half of my neighbor's teeth out with just one hit"

"he's working for russian bratva as a spy, gathering valuable canadian intel here"

...those were just a couple of questions and sentences he managed to hear, but it was enough for him to understand the point of this. he couldn't believe how stupid and gullible some people could be. 

yeah, right, russian spy. gathering important information from high school kids. can they hear themselves? he waved his hands at them, trying to get them to stop talking. and they did.

"guys, thank you for worrying about me, but i think he's harmless. if anything, he's the biggest threat to his own health... try not to believe every rumor you hear and go meet the guy without prejudice," he reassured them, heading to their math class.

hayden waved him over as he spotted him, possibly wanting to talk about his stolen spot, which ilya managed to occupy again for the next class.

"what's rozanov doing here? did i wake up in an alternate universe?" he asked shane, not used to seeing the russian boy in their classes. 

"i have no clue, he wasn't really talkative," shane looked back at his desk and continued, "maybe it has to do with what happened 3 months ago, whatever that was, i don't really soak up the rumors."

"he beat the shit out of his homeroom teacher's son during a hockey game, the kid was hospitalized later and is still not fully healed from that... so it does kinda make sense they switched his homeroom and put him in our group, but i'm surprised he's not suspended or worse," another guy who was sitting behind hayden joined the conversation. 

"i think he's got strong connections with our principal or someone else up there, i don't think he got any actual punishment for what he did," hayden said.

"there must be something we don't know about that situation," shane jumped in, knowing that it's not so black and white, "treat him like a friend unless he does something bad to you or someone you know and trust, he might prove the rumors wrong."

"i played against him once and he's pretty rude on ice, but that's just chirping. he might act different in a normal conversation, but i doubt it," hayden remembered the games they played against each other, remembered how impressive rozanov was on ice, especially when he kept his mouth shut.

the bell rang for the start of math class, telling shane to go back to his seat next to the kid who was the topic of their discussion just seconds ago.

he had no heart to tell him to move and sit somewhere else just because he was used to sitting with hayden. 

the notebook next to shane's was filled with what he thought must be russian cursive. it was mesmerizing. and very confusing. some of the words seemed like one letter just spammed six times.

and he was caught staring.

"you can read russian now?" was what brought him back to reality.

he shifted his gaze back to his own notebook and stuttered, "n-no, it just looks pretty."

"you look pretty, this is just letters," ilya said, catching him off guard. 

they were interrupted by the teacher, and, this time, shane realized how people could get bad at math. if they had something else on their mind while math was being explained to them. 

it was the first time shane didn't answer a question from a teacher right away. when he was called on to repeat what was just said, he blinked a couple of times and opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"he talked about domain and range of functions," he heard ilya whisper to him and he repeated it back, receiving a nod. the class continued with no more questions for shane. 

"thank you," he said, calling himself a failure in every language he spoke in his thoughts. how the fuck did that happen? why did he have to rely on another person to get a simple question right?

ilya spent the whole class sketching something, listening, but not writing down anything. this class was just reviewing what they ended at the last year, nothing new and important enough to write down. or maybe he just didn't care either way.

shane didn't believe the second option. he knew about rozanov's grades. they were perfect, just like his own. he stalked his competition, obviously. he might be in the top 3 for valedictorian even, but shane wasn't ready to think about that.

english class passed quickly, even with ilya by his side, this time actually scribbling down most of what he heard. this class is probably the most important and informative for him since it's not his first language, shane thought, catching himself thinking about ilya way more than he'd like. 

as the bell rang for their big lunch break, everyone sprinted out, leaving only the slow packer and the teacher's pet—ilya and shane. 

"shane, i figured you'd be interested in this year's writing contests, so i got you a list with the descriptions and application dates here," the teacher handed him the paper, looking then at the other student, "and ilya, i'm glad you're still here. i just wanted to say you have my full support, that kid had it coming for what he did to you. but don't tell anyone i said that because that wasn't professional of me, probably," he stepped closer to ilya, "if you need someone to talk to about it, a professional, i know a lot of good people."

what the teacher said sent shane into another spiral of thoughts, there was a lot of words thrown that he had no context for to understand. he got two things from it: that the kid had it coming? the one ilya punched? beat up? and that the teacher thinks ilya needs to seek professional help? for his mental health?

"i appreciate that, mr. landry, but don't publicly step on my side, someone might hurt you for it," ilya replied, sounding worried and paranoid. 

the teacher just gave him a sad look of sympathy and  sighed, running his hand over his face before speaking again, "i experienced something similar, but in a working environment at the previous school i worked at, don't let them affect you, i'll stand for my beliefs and my people no matter what it might do to my reputation."

now it was getting pretty confusing for shane. my people?—is the teacher also russian

ilya only managed to nod and let out a small 'thanks' before leaving the classroom. shane followed, not thinking enough about not being nosy. "what was that about?" he asked, as if they were already close.

"me being outed against my will, as revenge," he got a reply quicker than expected. did he even expect a reply? maybe a more dismissive one, definitely not this honest.

"oh," shane stopped walking and looked towards ilya. "i'm sorry, that must be awful... yeah the kid surely had it coming if he did that to you."

"i'm not fully innocent..." he started, but quickly shifted the conversation somewhere more comfortable, "you won't be so full of sympathy when i beat you."

"for student council?" shane let out a small laugh, "i wish your reputation was good enough for you to stand a chance so i could actually have fun having a rival to beat, but i'm sure you know that most students don't like you," he didn't mean to sound so mean and condescending. he opened his mouth again to try to save himself, but ilya beat him to it.

"i know they don't, but i might shake things up this year. i thought you deserved a fair opponent after only facing those trolls for years, so i'll do my best to be that. a rival you could only dream of."

yeah, he already was. (day)dreaming of him. the whole day. 

"so nice of you to think about me like that, but it won't get you my vote," shane joked, liking how this conversation became lighter and how ilya was actually openly talking. 

"i'll make sure to earn it, then," ilya smirked, blowing a kiss towards shane and turning around to leave the building, probably heading somewhere to eat.

shane was experienced with a lot of things in life. getting flirted with by a handsome russian classmate was not one of those things. he never even had a man publicly interested in him. that's why he still wasn't connecting the dots. ilya must just be playful, wants to confuse people.

lunch had all of shane's close friends piled up together, enjoying the food they brought from home and the cafeteria delicacies. when i say all of his close friends i mean hayden and jj, that's it.

jj shared only a couple of classes with them so he was out of the loop most of the time. "anything new and exciting happen today?" he asked out of habit, not expecting the answer he'd get at all.

"dude, yes, we have some classes with rozanov now. he took my seat next to shane in every class we had so far, like he sprinted to the next classroom to get there before me and claim it," hayden complained.

"maybe he just got attached to me because i'm the first person he met there..." shane explained but nobody bought that.

"or he has a crush on you!" jj exclaimed, wanting to have something to be excited about, because nothing exciting ever happened in shane's love life. 

"oh yeah, he's gay, i forgot about that," hayden started thinking about the possibilities.

"nah, guys, just because he's gay it doesn't mean he likes every guy he has interactions with, calm down."

"you had more interactions with him?" hayden turned his head, now actually interested in this conversation.

"nothing much, he's just saying he'll beat me in the run for student council president, being playful," he brushed it off as something trivial.

"oh so he is trying to get under your skin, people were right!"

"it's not like that, it seemed friendly..."

"sure, buddy. you'd try to befriend a bear who is seconds away from biting your head off."

shane really believed it was just friendly. 

---

as weeks passed, rozanov's public image started to shift from 'quiet gay kid with good grades but might blow up the school if someone angers him enough' to 'cocky womanizer everyone fears but also respects'.

he stopped sitting next to shane after the first day.

shane felt uneasy whenever he saw ilya being close with women, he figured it was to stir the rumors away from him being gay, but it was still weird.

more information about the incident kept spilling and the more the public knew about it, the more they were on ilya's side, to shane's surprise. he was glad people actually got to hear his side.

the guy was ilya's secret boyfriend for a bit, but the relationship ended with a big fight and he couldn't take rejection well, so he posted some private images and screenshots of conversations on facebook to get revenge. ilya didn't react right away. he just got visibly more nervous as the time passed after their breakup. some would say it was the process of healing, but a trained eye would know differently. weeks later, the two of them played hockey against each other, being inches apart at the start of the game. and that's when ilya broke. something the other guy said lit such a fire in ilya he could not possibly hold back the already built up anger. limbs were flying fast, blood was pouring on the ice even faster, the refs stood there shocked for a few seconds before separating them when one was already laying unconscious. ilya obviously didn't think it was enough, so he spit on his unmoving body before they dragged them both the separate ways. what happened right away in private was still a mystery.

the same guy was proven to be doing this for years, outing people on facebook in groups with homophobic extremists, giving them more information, like the guys' addresses and phone numbers, getting them in even more trouble than only getting outed would do. he posted from an anonymous account that was only now, months after what happened with ilya, linked to him, even though the victims already knew who it was, but apparently 'did not have enough proof'. 

ilya was lucky his personal information wasn't leaked, but he lost something more valuable.

new rumors started going around. about him being so sick of what happened that he didn't like men anymore, that he turned straight. which was maybe beneficial for him, so he didn't correct anyone.

he was often seen with svetlana, a popular, also russian, girl, who maybe was, maybe wasn't his girlfriend?

shane never had more nightmares in his life. his sleeping schedule got bad. like falling asleep at 3am and waking up at 6am for school every day bad. but he never believed his friends that ilya was distracting him just to get ahead in the council race, or even worse the battle for the valedictorian title.

but it wasn't all negative. rivalry actually felt good. having a serious opponent for the first time. yes, ilya did take it seriously.

they were challenging each other to be even better, but there was never any hostile air between them, only two players playing the game. being incredible at the game.

the rest of the students didn't see it that way; they thought they hated each other, but shane was just too nice to show it, and ilya didn't want to ruin his chances by being publicly rude to shane.

ilya got friendly with a couple of jocks, the closest with cliff. they teased each other a lot, but everyone picked up that it was just friendly, boys being boys. unlike him and shane.

shane also overheard that ilya had quit hockey for good, even though he was so close to being drafted. maybe what happened shook him too much to continue. but his hockey habits now left the ice and spilled everywhere else. he was chirping all the time, but as people explained that it's something normal in hockey, they started taking his words less seriously, sometimes just laughing along, saying he's a quick thinker.

it was already october and the history teacher was explaining what they'd be doing for their essays that were worth 30% of the final grade. 

ilya sat the furthest possible from shane, last row, next to the windows. good for shane. less distractions in class. if only that were true.

he had to go out of his way just to get a quick glance at ilya, whom he still didn't realize he liked as more than a friend. 

the way he sat in class changed; his back was pressed against the wall, using the chair as an armrest; he had a good look at the board, the teacher, the whole class, and most importantly, ilya.

nobody seemed to care about it since he was still listening and actively participating in every class.

the teacher began writing the assignment topic on the board, and the pit in shane's stomach and the frown on his face grew with each word. he could see that he wasn't the only one, ilya's face had a similar expression.

'evaluate how immigration from various countries affected canadian unity and identity during the 20th century. consider both the challenges and contributions of these communities'

what the fuck?

okay he added the last part to protect himself.

but what the fuck?

shane took a deep breath to calm himself down, not wanting to let the teacher win and be satisfied with the discomfort he obviously caused.

a lot of students weren't happy with the topic, but their complaints stayed amongst them, nobody felt the need to say something to the teacher or anyone above him. 

ilya wanted to, it was obvious, but his reputation was on thin ice, and his ambitions couldn't take another hit, so he stayed quiet, mirroring shane.

the hype about the shane vs ilya rivalry grew each day. their debates in english class were so exciting to watch the teacher always put them against each other. until it was time for a group assignment.

the groups had to pick one of shakespeare's plays, each group a different one, and examine how the play they picked portrays the consequences of ambition and the struggle for power. 

1. landry made up the groups himself and avoided grouping people who were in the same friend group, wanting to encourage them to learn how to work with someone they think they don't have much in common with, but might see that they actually do, by the time the project is wrapped up.

ilya and shane were the only two-member group, because they both had the best grades in class and being with each other was already enough of an advantage to have them level with other groups that had four members. nobody complained. 

okay maybe hayden complained because he didn't get to be in shane's group, he was used to letting shane do most of the work. 

1. landry also encouraged them to change where they sit in his class until the presentations, so they could discuss the project with their teammates easier.

so ilya returned to his seat from the first day. 

they had until the end of the class to pick a play as groups and then there would be 'an auction' for them. not offering money, but 'buying' the play with arguments, why it's them that should get to do that one. 

the teacher was slightly crazy, but fun crazy. shane visibly enjoyed his classes and ilya silently appreciated him. 

they wrote a pros and cons list for every play, already doing too much for something that's only 15% of their final grade. and they landed on 'romeo and juliet', because it was the biggest challenge, it wasn't so obviously aligned with the topic.

the rest of the class seemed to share that opinion because not a single other group wanted to pick that one, everyone else liked it better if the task was easy.

it kind of disappointed shane and ilya, because they had so many good arguments and were actually really excited to argue with someone else from class and, obviously, win.

but they got what they wanted either way.

the teacher had an intrigued smile on his face after their joined hands went up the second they heard 'romeo and juliet'.

to shane's surprise, nobody teased them about the romantic subtext of their choice. but he was sure ilya would crack a joke at some point. he had to.

the class was over and the group that stayed behind was the same as on the first day.

"i like your choice, i'm really excited to hear your presentation," mr. landry told them, seeming more relaxed now that the rest of the loud kids were gone. 

"it's not because it's romantic-" shane began, but got interrupted by the teacher right away.

"i know, it's because both of you like pushing yourselves to take the scenic route and not the shortcut."

"hmm, something like that, sure," ilya nodded a couple times, looking at shane, seeming like he's thinking about something else.

"it's nice that people got to know that there's more to your story, ilya. but my offer to help still stands, if you ever feel like you need it."

"i do have it in mind," he returned his gaze to the teacher. "thanks bestie," he said in a small voice.

and the whole room erupted with laughter, nobody was expecting that from him. the teacher kicked both of them out of the classroom, still laughing. 

"why'd you call him bestie? oh my god," shane said in between laughs. 

ilya shrugged, "he is my bestie, he's my gay fairy godmother."

"that's... that's really funny to imagine..."

"hm, yeah, i can be very funny. you should try it sometime, i could teach you while we work on this project," he teased.

"oh, shut up, i am funny too."

"ehh... no, you're stiff, you're boring," ilya said with a small smile.

"sure..." shane's face dropped, not realizing the tone ilya spoke in wasn't meant to be harmful.

ilya looked like he'd do anything to get shane to smile again, but any action he could've taken was interrupted by scott hunter—the perpetual grade 12 student, repeating it for the third time, or in ilya's words:

"dinosaur, aren't you afraid of the asteroids? i heard that there's another one coming for you only, soon," he said as scott was greeting shane.

"take creative writing classes, rozanov, you desperately need them," he chirped back, not being bothered by ilya at all. 

shane was new to hearing this, he had no idea they even knew each other, especially not that they threw around friendly insults. there were a lot of things shane still didn't know about ilya. and that bothered him.

"do you need help with any of your classes, scott?" shane offered.

"nah, man, thanks. i just have a problem with the history teacher, he's the only one who keeps failing me, whatever i do," he complained, and as soon as he said it, shane and ilya made a knowing eye contact. 

"hmm, you guys also have a problem with him... interesting... maybe it would be mutually beneficial if we teamed up and got rid of him... maybe," hunter suggested.

"as in get rid of his body after we kill him, or the more boring option," ilya said in a tone that was too serious for such a joke. it was a joke? right?

"ilya!" shane put his hand over ilya's lips, "you can't just say things like that at school!"

ilya rolled his eyes, "booooooring, is this what being in student council does to a person, hunter? will i become like him when i win?" 

"-if you win," shane interrupted.

scott just ignored the last exchange, "i mean, he definitely does things that are against the rules all the time, there has to be a way for us to kick him out of the school."

---

it was time for the first one-on-one meeting to discuss the english presentation. needless to say shane was nervous.

"so who's gonna be juliet?" ilya asked, sitting on the desk of the student council room that shane used as his little study space when there weren't any meetings scheduled. 

"we don't need to reenact any scenes, it's a smaller project," shane sat down on his chair, looking up at ilya.

"but we always do things over the top, we're shane and ilya," he stared back into his eyes with a soft look.

god. their names together felt so good on his lips. 

shane nodded, looking down, trying to hide his burning red cheeks. "i can be juliet."

ilya couldn't help but laugh, putting his index finger under shane's chin, lifting it up so he looks back at him again. "i was joking about that, but it's nice to know that you're a bottom."

shane gasped. ilya's never been this forward with comments towards him before. "i-i'm not, i'm not even gay."

"but you're curious?"

shane felt his heartbeat in his throat, deciding to stop resisting, letting himself have this. he deserved it.

"i might be, yeah. curious."

"i can do curious, good enough," ilya cocked his head to the side and shifted his thumb and index to shane's cheek, caressing it slowly, holding his chin in place with the rest of his fingers.

he was inches away from shane's face, but not moving any closer. if shane wanted it, he'd have to come and get it.

and he did. seconds later, he couldn't take it anymore, closing the gap and pressing his lips against ilya's. 

ilya closed his eyes with satisfaction, returning the kiss a bit more wildly, pouring his hunger for shane into it.

as soon as shane felt how needy ilya was, his confidence grew and he explored more different ways to kiss him, biting his lower lip a bit more aggressively than anyone would expect. from ilya. nobody would expect that from shane.

ilya growled into his mouth, licking his, now bloody, lip and running his hands through shane's hair. he pulled away a bit just to say "easy, tiger, i'm not going anywhere."

that made shane realize he had his claws, sorry, nails dug deep in ilya's biceps, both arms, holding him as if he'd disappear any second. he relaxed his grip and put his palms over the spots with his nail marks, trying to soothe his irritated skin with this soft apologetic touch. 

ilya melted at how considerate shane was, while also being so obviously lustful, exploring ilya's mouth with his tireless tongue.

they probably would've fucked right there if shane hadn't remembered that the doors of this room were made of glass. a very see-through glass. 

his eyes widened in horror and he moved his head back in a quick motion. ilya chased him and almost fell over into his lap. but he steadied himself by grabbing shane's shoulders. their faces were now apart, both gasping for air.

 "the door," was all shane managed to get out.

 "ah yeah, your closet is glass, your office is glass, i mean, my future office is glass," ilya tried to joke after seeing how panicked shane was, but he quickly realized it wasn't time for jokes.

 he glanced back at the hallway through the door, "there's nobody there, hollander, it's 7am, only cleaning ladies and they would keep a secret for me," he stroked shane's upper arm, trying to calm him down.

 "everyone here is really nosy, it would spread like wildfire..." shane shook his head in panic, getting up and pacing around the small room. 

"what would spread?" he mimicked closing a zipper over his lips, turning towards one of the walls, "walls, have you seen or heard anything? no? yeah, i agree, nothing scandalous here."

that earned him a little laugh from shane, who now snapped out of his panic attack and breathed loudly out of his nose. "okay... but let's not do that in front of the class. i won't be your juliet."

"you'll only be my juliet behind closed doors," ilya smiled at him and added, "that aren't see through."

"do i need to change the doors of this room? because this is the only place i have for myself here," shane thought out loud.

"hmm... that will be the first thing i do when i take your place," ilya said.

"oh no, you won't," shane was consistent with his denial.

ilya suddenly remembered the assignment, sadly reminding shane and getting to work. they planned out what they wanted their presentation to look like, which parts of the book they'd cite in it and explain how they related to the topic, how they would make the rest of the class engage...

they got a lot of the basics done in an hour, and then some of the students started arriving, so they wrapped it up, deciding on the time of their next meeting and exchanging phone numbers. 

ilya left the room to get breakfast, not inviting shane to join him because they still had to keep up the image of being rivals outside this one project. he started thinking about his student council campaign and the fact that he still hasn't done anything about it except for talking about how he's gonna win.

shane stayed where they were, thinking about their kiss now that the initial shock had passed. he replayed every previous interaction with ilya in his mind, realizing that there were so many signs, but he was too humble to miss them. he thought there was no way ilya would be interested in someone so boring.

history class brought him back to reality. his frustrating reality of being taught by an idiot. 

he glanced in ilya's direction more often than before. almost telepathically telling him how much he wanted more time alone with him. somewhere private.

---

the first time they were alone together behind closed doors that were not see-through was two days later, at ilya's apartment. 

shane thought it would take them some time to get to kissing, probably talking about the project before that, but he was wrong.

ilya closed the door behind him and grabbed him desperately, pinning him against the wall, going for his neck first. a soft moan escaped shane's mouth, the first of many.

his hands roamed all over his body, wanting to explore every part he hadn't touched yet. 

shane folded so fast. one touch, and he was already fully ilya's to play with. he craved the kisses so much those past two days, so he pulled ilya up towards his face to enjoy the meal he's been missing.

ilya enjoyed his reactions so much. the fact that shane obviously had so little previous experience, probably none with men, made him all warm inside, glad to be the first.

after an experience as horrible as ilya's with another man before shane, he was surprisingly trusting this time. and he wasn't even aware of this.

he wasn't careless, but he relaxed so much in the presence of this man, it almost made him completely forget everyone who came before. 

their touches felt instinctive, knowing where to go with which body part at all times, what to stop doing, when to stop doing it, what to do to make it feel better for the other person. 

shane felt naked in more than one way, so vulnerable with another person. it wasn't just the sex. it was the way ilya looked at him and shane just felt seen. like never before. 

he's been observed and watched by so many people all of his conscious life, but he never felt someone's gaze reach through all of the layers, right to his soul. 

and it was strange, slightly uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and he thought he wouldn't be facing so many unfamiliar things anymore. up until now, he'd lived quite an eventful life that had him prepared for almost anything. but this was completely new.

this was the first time he liked being under someone. not being in charge. letting someone else decide for him and trusting them to know what's best for him. it wasn't just because ilya had more experience. 

he never felt so awake in every part of his body. shane became hyper-aware of each part ilya kissed, giving them a new life, almost, giving them a small consciousness that only wanted one thing: ilya's kisses.

laying down on ilya's bed, right by his side, shane was looking up and thinking about what life decisions led him right there.

ilya sensed that shane was going too far back with his thoughts, so he interrupted them. "you're even prettier from this angle, especially in this context. my bed."

he couldn't help but blush, sometimes feeling shyer while receiving compliments than receiving something physical. "it was nice."

"do you or do you not participate in writing contests? what's this? you're not reviewing a restaurant," ilya wasn't satisfied with shane's compliment, "try again."

"what do you want me to say? that i loved sucking your dick, having mine sucked and being fucked by you? in 1500 words, times new roman, size 12pt, double-spaced, one inch margins?" he replied, trying to be funny in his little academic way.

"oh so you didn't just think it was nice—you loved it," ilya said, now cracking a big smile, unable to hold it back this time, purposely ignoring to comment on the school essay reference.

"i didn't, i just said that's what you'd like to hear..."

"so it slipped... just like i sli-" and he was interrupted by shane shoving him towards the edge of the bed, barely moving him to his side.

"please, shut up," shane pushed his head into ilya's back and wrapped an arm around his stomach. 

ilya grabbed that hand and pushed it a little lower, causing another urgent reaction from shane, "not again, my hands are tired... and we have a group project to work on, i'm not only here for this," he moved back, rolling to lie on his back again.

ilya let out a sound of displeasure, turning around to face him. "five more minutes of this, please," he pulled shane towards his chest easily, wrapping both arms around his body and burying his face in his neck, pressing small kisses. 

shane melted into his touch, unable to deny himself this pleasure for the sake of academic success. they could afford five more minutes.

except it wasn't five minutes, shane stayed overnight. 

ilya did wake up in the middle of the night, but he couldn't dare to move, not wanting shane to leave, selfishly keeping him in his arms for as long as he possibly could. 

the only thing he did before returning to sleep was moving the morning alarm from 7am to 6am, knowing that shane had a longer morning routine and would probably panic if he woke up later than he wanted to. even more than if he realized he slept in his rival's bed, pressed tightly against him.

the morning came too soon for ilya, contemplating just locking them both inside and throwing away the key, never leaving his apartment and shane again. but he could never let himself be so unrealistic. so he weakened his grip on shane as he woke up, trying to sit and look around.

shane jerked away as soon as he realized that it was the next day and that he wasn't in his own bed. "what day is it? what time? did i miss something? my mom's gonna think someone kidnapped me or murdered me or worse... i have to call the police and tell them i'm fine," he panicked.

ilya was now fully awake from all the noise shane was making, he calmly sat up and pulled shane back to bed. his deep morning voice echoed, "calm down, hollander, you just slept over. it's 6am and you have enough time to get ready for school, just breathe first," he picked up his alarm clock and showed shane the proof.

"but it's not fine, we got no work done yesterday. i have no time to go back home and do my routine," he started hyperventilating.

"we did get work done—teambuilding. that was the point of groups that don't usually hang together. we did a good job," ilya grabbed shane's hand and pressed his thumb against his palm in circles. "i don't have your whole skincare routine here, but i'm sure you'll survive not following it this one time."

shane didn't pull away from ilya's touch. he grabbed his phone with the other hand, calling his mom, whispering 'shhh' to ilya. "hey, i'm alive, i'm fine, healthy, not in the trunk of someone's car or anything like that..."

"yeah, i figured you just got tired and slept over at your friend's place. it's okay, shane. i'm glad you called," she said on the phone in a calm voice, trying to relax him.

"yeah, that's it. we're both overachievers, so we went overboard," he added, as if his mom needed more explanation.

"don't worry about it, just tell me what you'd like to have for dinner tonight, since you skipped a home-cooked meal yesterday," she asked.

"mmm maybe dad's chicken parm," he said with a still grumpy, deeper morning voice, finally calming down. 

he hadn't even realized that he spent the whole call in ilya's arms. it was something he somehow already got used to. weird.

yuna confirmed that he'd get that dinner after school and ended the call with a soft 'love you'. shane didn't reply with words, he just mumbled in embarrassment, not wanting to say it back in front of ilya.

"so, that went okay, right? or you still want to call the police?" ilya joked, pressing a small kiss on shane's cheek. 

"shut up. i just know how worried my parents can get."

"so doing too much is... genetic?"

"maybe it is..." shane looked up into ilya's eyes that looked softer than he'd ever seen them before, glowing in the sunlight. "do you have any traits you noticed in your parents?"

ilya sucked in a breath and his face went back to his default coldness, sliding his arms down to his sides and getting up from the bed. he still tried to reply normally, just so shane wouldn't ask too many questions later. "i'm a lot like my mom, but dad... i hope i don't get anything from him. it's not something i like talking about."

shane was about to ask more, but he dropped it, not wanting to bother and press ilya further.

"i'm sure your mom is lovely, then," he added, unable to hold a comment back. he was still too vulnerable and open, not thinking much before he spoke his thoughts.

"she was," ilya replied, ducking into his bathroom and going for a shower without saying more words. 

shane immediately regretted saying anything, but how was he supposed to know? maybe from the fact that ilya lived here alone?

they both quietly got ready for school, shane taking a shower right after ilya, borrowing some of his clothes that visually passed as something shane would wear. which was really hard to find in ilya's closet.

shane left earlier, wanting to get breakfast outside and not bother ilya anymore. he felt like he really fucked it up. 

but nothing changed at school. ilya's behavior was default ilya, he was joking, talking to people normally, answering teachers' questions... just like every other day. 

but shane changed. he was a lot more paranoid, now avoiding looking at ilya, not wanting to see what kind of look he'd get from him in return. he wasn't ready to face an obvious rejection. so he tried to go back to focusing on school.

a small history test reviewing last week's topics was the final nail in his coffin. he got an 88. on a test worth only 5% of the grade. but still. he never dipped below 90. that wasn't the shane hollander everyone knew.

nobody else seemed to care about it and shane was bothered by that. of course, he didn't like people talking about him behind his back, but this was huge. and not a single person cared enough to comment. 

his parents tried to convince him it was not the end of the world, but he wasn't hearing any of it.

he turned on autopilot, working on everything relevant like a robot. and that included the group project with ilya. he stopped laughing and smiling at ilya's attempts to be funny, he was an observer only in his own interactions.

ilya knew something was wrong, but he didn't dare to overstep his boundaries. he didn't want to show empathy and let shane be vulnerable, when he knew he'd leave him again at some point. he tried not to think about it, tried to focus on his own obligations and work. 

but shane was everywhere. even though people didn't realize he was struggling, they were still talking about him all the time. and he didn't even surpress his negative reactions to all of that. it could always just seem like he didn't like hearing about his rival all the damn time.

svetlana started mentioning him more, too. complimenting his physique, his pretty face, his incredible brain... everything ilya already appreciated about him.

after that one time in ilya's apartment, the meetings shifted back to student council room, so shane could be on his own territory, knowing he wouldn't fall asleep there and get in trouble.

the last time they met to finalize the presentation, ilya got there first, waiting for shane in front of the locked glass doors, leaning against the wall with a copy of 'romeo and juliet' in his hand with dozens of colored tabs sticking out of it.

shane had gym last period and this time it didn't go so well. it was taking him way too long. 

after 30 minutes of waiting, ilya sat down on the floor, opening the book to keep himself distracted from guessing what could've happened. 

his eyes landed on juliet's words:

'i must hear from thee every day in the hour, 

for in a minute there are many days.'

he thought about shane and his need to hear from him, even more often than juliet wanted to hear from romeo. he needed to know that shane was safe. he was? right? not much could happen to such a big guy in a stupid gym class?

he checked that the hallway was empty before pressing the open book against his face and screaming into it, hoping it would muffle the sound enough. what he didn't think about was the leftover lipstick he had on from his drama class, which now left a mark on the page. right there where juliet was being a clingy little shit. 

fuck.

this was shane's book, they switched last time to check if the other one missed something important in their annotations. and now there's an ilya's lips-shaped kiss mark in it. 

there was absolutely no way for him to get out of this.

the second ilya started imagining the horrors of shane finding this, his phone vibrated on the floor next to him, showing a message from shane, 'sorry i didn't text you, hayden got hurt in gym, i followed him to the hospital. can we reschedule? i'll make it up to you somehow.'

ilya was relieved. it wasn't shane who got hurt. but he needed to see him either way. jumping up from the floor with the phone and the book in his hands, he headed out, dialing shane on the way. 

"hey, did you read the messages? i can't make it right now, i'm waiting to get info about hayden, his girlfriend is abroad and trying to get a flight back-" shane started.

"i don't care about hayden. are you okay? which hospital are you at, i'll come over," ilya interrupted him.

"uhm... it's the capital district hospital. but you don't have to come, i'm fine, just a cut on my nose," he said dismissively.

"i'll be there in five, you need distractions when your friend is hurt, i will bring distractions," ilya said with a serious tone, hanging up and walking quickly towards the hospital. it was realistically 10 minutes away, but people underestimate the power of gay walking.

and he did get there in five, asking the nurses if they saw shane around, describing him like a girl would describe her first crush in a third-grade essay. one of them laughed at that but nodded, pointing towards the staircase and saying, "he's in front of 221, you can't miss him."

ilya shouted a 'thanks' while running up the stairs, looking around for signs to point him towards his romeo. ew. he just imagined himself as juliet. gross.

when he spotted him he paused, turning around the wrong corner to catch his breath. he didn't want it to look like he ran. as soon as he collected his composure and scrubbed the rest of the lipstick off with his sleeve, he walked up to shane nonchalantly, sitting down with one empty seat between them.

"did you just come from a makeout session with a nurse?" shane said with a confused frown, pointing at ilya's lips.

"nah it was your book that kissed me, look?" and he opened the right page so quickly, not realizing he was completely outing himself. he held his finger over the kiss mark on the page.

shane's frown disappeared but his confusion stayed. "you know what? i'm not even gonna ask."

somehow ilya got out of that one easily.

"what happened?" ilya's fingers flew to shane's nose, tracing the cut. 

shane pushed his hand away, looking with pleading eyes, "not here."

"i got lucky. hayden and i were getting some equipment for gym class but we weren't careful so a pile of it just fell over and crushed hayden's leg. i moved quickly but some stick thing fell on my face and caused this, it'll heal soon," he explained, feeling the urge to reassure ilya.

"i don't like seeing you hurt, but it is a hot scar. maybe you can mess with the healing process and make it stay?" ilya suggested, probably as a joke.

"no, it's embarrassing, if i ever have them, they will be battle scars, not from a school accident," he smiled, imagining himself with some 'hot' scars in the future.

"but it was a battle. battle with the school equipment. maybe you could mention it in the history class essay," ilya let out a small laugh, not knowing that he just hit a nerve.

shane turned his head away for a second and saw a nurse heading their way. 

"it's just a small fracture, he'll be as good as new in a couple of weeks," she told him cheerfully. 

shane got his phone out and called jackie, filling her in. ilya sat there looking at his feet, regretting mentioning the history class. 

as hayden's mom arrived, shane knew he wasn't needed anymore, so he told ilya it was time to go.

ilya nodded, but he seemed to be plotting something mischievous. 

he dragged them both into a small 'staff only' restroom, taking his chances, hoping it was empty. it was. 

pushing shane into a stall, he kissed him and whispered 'i know you need to blow off some steam, let me help?' 

shane was too shocked to intervene. he watched ilya sit on the closed toilet and pull him closer, looking back up at him for a sign of consent.

shane did not want to think anymore. it was all that thinking that always got him in trouble. well, recently, it was mostly feeling. but he liked feeling. feeling whatever he feels around ilya, no matter how fucked up it was.

he just nodded with a barely audible 'yes, please,' and threaded his fingers through ilya's curls.

he trusted ilya to stop if he heard any noises or proof of someone else being there, because he could only focus on one thing then.

he didn't last long. he was frustrated. he did need to let it all out. and ilya helped. 

it wasn't the typical cocky ilya there, who had a sarcastic comment on everything you say or do. he looked like his only purpose was to please shane and was happy to do just that.

ilya cleaned them both carefully, knowing that they shouldn't risk more than they already have. he made up a fake story in case anyone saw them walk out of there: shane got sick and needed to puke quickly, the door was open and ilya was there to help if needed. foolproof? definitely not.

but there was nobody to explain themselves to. they easily left the building without anyone taking a double look. 

"that was..." shane began, not knowing what to say.

"hot? exciting? relieving?" ilya offered options.

"i was gonna go with risky and stupid, but sure, that too," he looked around, not even knowing where they were heading.

"come over to my place, i promise i'll let you go home whenever you want," ilya offered an option.

"i don't think that's a good idea..." 

"you'll feel better tomorrow if we finish this right. i need a confident shane next to me for the presentation."

shane followed, giving up on arguing. 

the apartment brought back memories, shane strangely felt at home there, even though he barely looked at the place last time he was there.

they exchanged their books back, going over what the other one added on sticky notes, both sitting up on ilya's bed, backs pressed against the headboard, like a married couple. i guess they ended up in the bedroom because it felt the most familiar to shane?

when shane got to the kiss-stained page, he held back a laugh, not wanting to distract ilya. he read juliet's lines carefully again, trying to see what made ilya stay on that page longer than the others. he blushed at every thought that came to his mind, closing the book.

"you are done?" ilya turned towards him, with his book still open on page 90. he was taking too much time appreciating shane's handwriting over and over again.

"yeah, let's just go over our answers for potential public questions and we're done?" shane grabbed a paper from his backpack, the list of around 20 questions was already there, written in the perfect handwriting.

ilya peeked at it over shane's shoulder, snorting. "you're really overestimating our classmates, they don't know what half of those words mean," he pointed out some of them, "and they don't know shit about this book, only this: juliet girl, romeo boy, forbidden romance, kiss, kiss, fall in love, one dies, the other one dies, first wasn't actually dead, that's it, tragedy, poor lovebirds," he acted out what he was saying with his hands flapping around, making shane laugh while hugging a pillow.

"but we can't underestimate them either, it's better to be ready, even if they're not coming," shane lectured him.

"have you seen our campaign posters?" ilya reminded him. both of them were too busy with other school things (and thinking about each other), they decided to let their friends handle the student council campaigns. shane let hayden do it and ilya let cliff. they should've known how that would go. both were lucky that the other one wasn't doing any better, because if there were a third candidate with at least ten working braincells, they would've won easily against these caricatures of shane and ilya.

posters were borderline positive and borderline mocking. some people even thought shane's poster was a part of ilya's campaign because it kind of painted shane in a bad light. 

but those two kind of forgot about that whole thing. there was only so much space lover boy ilya could take, so opponent ilya had nowhere to go in shane's brain. lover boy? maybe too much? 

shane just shook his head when he remembered the posters, "please don't remind me of that, i thought hayden was your secret spy at one point, a saboteur, but i know he hates you, so no."

it hurt ilya. to know that a close friend of shane's hated him. hayden didn't matter, ilya never cared enough to think about him. but shane deserved a better friend circle, someone who wouldn't hate his... what even was he to shane?

"i don't need dirty methods to win against you, hollander," he put his book away and straddled shane, locking him in place.

"and this is not a dirty method? distracting me all the time?" he shot up a look that tried so hard to be angry, but had no power to it. 

"it has nothing to do with my campaign... you're letting yourself get distracted, your problem," ilya leaned down, licking shane's lower lip.

"you're taking advantage of me," shane looked away, huffing like an angry kitten.

"i always ask for consent, no?" ilya grabbed shane's head, turning it and forcing eye contact.

"you do, but you're playing me every time," he said with glassy but hungry eyes.

"not my fault you're so easy."

ilya kissed him softly, dragging hands down shane's chest.

shane grabbed him by the shoulders and extended the distance between them, shaking his head. he grabbed the paper from next to ilya's foot, rolled it up and bonked ilya's head, "questions, ilya, we're not done."

ilya was surprised by shane's newfound self-control. he wanted to prove him wrong, tried telling him 'i'm not easy,' but without words this time. he could play that game.

"right, questions, you're so excited about them... okay i have a proposition, a deal," he grinned, "we'll go over one question for each time you make me moan, only using your mouth."

"that's not fair."

"is any deal fair? you'll enjoy it, i'm sure. might even forget about the questions..."

shane knew he would. there's no way anything shakespeare-related would crowd his mind if he had his lips all over ilya. but he thought he'd remember later, and ilya was stubborn, this might've been the only way they'd finish the assignment the way he wanted to. so he gave in.

ilya really tried to hold back, he wasn't letting shane get an easy win. he never did. 

18 questions. and shane was so tired, too tired to earn the other two.

ilya was honest with the number, they both counted 18, and he held his side of the deal, they constructed the perfect answers to questions they'd never get asked.

but it made shane happy, and that was more than ilya could ask for. 

"fucking finally," shane threw the paper on the floor dramatically, knowing that he'd pick it up later.

"but we're not fucking, or am i missing some bluetooth fucking technique?" ilya yanked shane's arm, making him fall right onto his chest, holding him there.

"no, i'm sure you'd be the first one to know about that," shane looked up with a careless smile, eyes shining.

"mmm no, i prefer skin on skin, women or men, but no computers involved," he said, placing a kiss on shane's temple.

shane went stiff in his arms. he didn't like hearing about ilya and women. 

"right now i prefer you, even though you're boring," he continued kissing down shane's neck.

"do you like girls? i never heard any rumors about you with anyone..." he looked up at shane's eyes curiously.

"i'm not sure, previous experiences with them weren't that good," he avoided eye contact.

"they weren't me, at least now you have something to compare others with," ilya traced circles over shane's shirt, "but they'll all stay below me, sorry."

"you're way too confident," shane said in an annoyed voice.

"you want me to lend you some confidence?" he mimicked sawing an inch off his own dick and giving it to shane, "here you go."

"insufferable," shane whispered, smiling to himself and forcing his body to get off the bed. it was time to go home, his dad prepared one of his favorite meals, and he didn't want to feed his own delusions anymore by staying there longer. 

ilya barely managed to control himself not to go grab him back again. he picked up the paper off the floor and handed it to shane, helping him pack. 

when he gathered all his things and put on his jacket and shoes, he stood up, looking back at ilya. 

ilya came up to him, pecked his lips and said, "text me when you get home, or i'll call the police." 

he made it seem so easy. shane gave him a thumbs up and left the building, heading home.

why was ilya so complicated. weeks of nothing and then all this in one day. he almost seemed like he cared, like he wanted shane happy, taken care of, carefree and relaxed. 

he did care, even more than he showed. his fridge was full of shane-friendly food and drinks, in case he ever wanted to stay over again. 

he stared at his bed with a shane-shaped dip in it, laying back down and grabbing the pillow he saw shane hugging. 

he held the pillow tightly to his chest, wanting to experience a lifetime of being able to hold shane like that, feeling his scent that calmed him so much he fell asleep in that position.

he woke up to three missed calls from shane and two unread messages:

'ily' 1.45am

'answer me pleas' 1.50am

his heart stopped beating for a few seconds. those must have been drunk texts. he called five times without reaching shane. but ilya still felt the need to be honest, throwing away all the previous caution. he replied:

'i love you too, shane.' 7.03am

'but at least spell it out next time :)’ 7.03am

he couldn't believe he did that. but shane took the first step, and he needed to reward him for it. with words he knew he'd say to him, but he didn't think it would be like this.

he must have slept in, he fell asleep pretty late, he thought, sad that he probably wouldn't see shane at school that day, but happy that he finally got some sleep.

he had to see shane that day. it was presentation day. he cared a lot about that, he couldn't let him miss it.

he tried everything to get to him, calling hayden as the last resort after getting his number from cliff. 

"can you wake shane up? do you know where he lives? he needs to come to school today and he's not answering texts or calls," ilya spammed hayden with questions.

"that's weird, his call sound is always loud enough to wake him up... but why are you worried? you think he'd leave you to present alone?"

"no, i think something bad happened, this is not like him. he's always up before seven"

"yeah, you're right... how do you even know that? did the group thing actually get you to become friends?" hayden sounded confused and really tired. ilya then remembered that he's probably staying at home because of his broken leg. he just woke up.

"just help me or say you're useless so i can try something else, i'm running out of ideas," ilya sounded really panicked. what if shane told him he loves him because he was in danger and thought he'd never get to say it in person? what if ilya was the last thing on his mind before- no, hell no, nothing bad happened. shane was fine. 

he remembered that this must have been how his parents felt when shane stayed over at his place. he understood them now and understood shane's need to tell them he's fine as soon as he woke up. but it made this situation worse. he hadn't called saying he's fine. not yet.

ilya was really bad at being optimistic. every time he told himself that he was okay, another bad possibility popped into his head. hayden snapped him out of it.

"jackie and i will pick you up and drive to shane's parents' house, text me your address," he said, now fully awake and concerned.

ilya did as he was told, packing things for school in case it was a misunderstanding, but also carrying an umbrella, even though it was a sunny day, intending to use it as a weapon if needed.

he jumped in the backseat of hayden's car, right behind the woman who was driving it, probably hayden's girlfriend shane spoke to at the hospital.

"it's worse than i thought, yuna and david, um, shane's parents, thought that he was with you or me. he's not at home and hasn't texted them anything after telling them he'd be at your place to study," hayden spoke, looking at ilya in the mirror.

ilya's face was pale. paler than when his teammates got hurt during games, paler than the seconds before his infamous big fight on ice. 

hayden immediately realized that he truly cared for shane. his thoughts went back to the cafeteria conversation from the first day, when they joked about ilya liking shane. what if that was true? 

he didn't want to push for information about that anymore. it was evident that he cared, and that was enough. if there was any romantic drama going on, there would be time for that later, when they find shane. not if. when. hayden was sure of it.

jackie had a hard time focusing on driving. she loved shane like a brother and couldn't imagine what hayden would go through if something happened to him. 

but right at the first longer red light, when she looked back at ilya in the mirror and saw him disassociating with tears in his eyes, she got even more worried about him, feeling like it would crush him even more than hayden. 

"he'll be okay, sweetheart, that's our shane, he's strong," she said, reaching back to give ilya's hand a little sympathetic squeeze. hayden winced at that, but stayed calm because of how dark the mood was already. 

"he never got back home... he left my place at 9 and last texted me at 1.50..." ilya spoke as if he could draw good conclusions from only that.

"we'll gather all the info at hollanders' house and call the police if needed," hayden suggested.

ilya let out a small choked noise of pain, with one tear rolling down his cheek. "the last thing i said to him... 'text me when you get home or i'll call the police,' he might be counting on that, i said it as an inside joke then..."

an inside joke? he already had inside jokes with this guy?

it would've been really hard to believe, it would sound like some very unrealistic rumor... but with the proof, with ilya falling apart because of shane right in his car. maybe it was believable. 

hayden imagined not knowing where jackie was, not contacting anyone and acting out of character. he'd be reacting the same as ilya was.

"we'll find him, you tell yuna and david everything you think could be helpful," he tried to comfort him, not knowing how. because he knows no words would help if he were in his place. only seeing jackie alive and well. he looked back at her, appreciating that she was still right there with him.

"i can ask jj if he knows something, he lives near you, maybe he saw him after he left your place, he likes running around the block late at night," he added, calling jj right away. he answered, but unfortunately, didn't hear from shane or see him since their gym class.

when they pulled up to the hollanders' driveway, jackie told hayden to go first, that she wanted to talk to ilya before they head inside. he listened, not wanting to argue with her.

"do they know about you two?" she asked ilya with a soft voice, climbing to the backseat to sit next to him.

ilya slightly shook his head, "there's not much to know, we're not dating and i doubt he even told them he likes men."

jackie frowned, taking his hands in hers, looking up into his eyes. he was a really pretty man. hayden always described him as a 'cocky bitch overachiever' and as someone who really loved fighting on ice, but she never imagined him to look like this. 

"i'm sure they would be fine with him being gay, they're really nice people. and they would adore you, seeing how much you care about their son," she honestly told him.

"but we're just classmates, rivals who occasionally fuck... there's no need for me to meet his parents," he wanted to stay inside, scared of facing them and them not liking him.

"ilya, honey, shane doesn't do that, he's never casual with someone. he catches feelings fast, cares a lot about everyone close to him, and i would say you two are close from what i know. he goes for all or nothing."

"he did text me that he loves me last night..." he said quietly, wanting to let it out but kind of scared of her actually hearing what he said.

"he what?" she blinked at him a couple of times, dropping his hands and gesturing for him to hand over his phone so she could read the messages. 

he gave it to her without protesting, they never sexted, so it would be fine even if she scrolled. 

her excited expression dropped as she read the texts, recognizing shane's typing patterns. she closed her eyes tightly with pain, wondering if she should tell ilya what she knows.

it might help them find him, so she had to.

"ilya, i'm so sorry," she started the sentence in the worst way possible, making ilya think she figured out that he's already dead, "he didn't say that he loves you... he tried to type your name and missed the last letter, see? the next message is also missing the last letter. he does that when he's drunk," she showed him the messages again.

he couldn't believe it. that made way more sense than a drunk confession. a drunk confession that was just an 'ily'. how could he be so stupid?

he tried to delete his own two messages, not wanting shane to see them if he's okay, because it would be really embarrassing, but it didn't let him.

jackie could see the panic and heartbreak in his eyes, so she pulled him into her arms, whispering, "i'm really sorry, ilya. but he probably does love you, he's just too scared to say it. don't worry about your messages, you already have enough to deal with."

"i was scared too... and then relieved, and now even more scared," he said into her shoulder, not holding his tears back anymore.

hayden ran back to the car with a big smile on his face. "guys, he just texted me, he's alive, he wants to call me."

he sat back in the passanger seat and put the call on speaker.

ilya wiped his tears and listened, still close to jackie, finding comfort in her presence. hayden apparently trusted her so much he didn't feel threatened.

"holy shit dude, i just woke up on the roof of this one building, that's not important right now, i'll talk about it later. but i woke up to the most shocking messages ever," shane said, not knowing that anyone except for hayden was listening.

ilya felt his heart drop to his stomach, he knew what was coming. jackie put her hand over her mouth, also expecting the same as ilya. hayden tried to interrupt and say that other people were listening, but shane just kept going.

"ilya rozanov said that he loves me," he said as if it were the most scandalous thing, like a rumor someone was spreading at school. hayden's head slowly turned towards ilya, eyes wide open, mouthing 'you did?'

ilya answered with a sad nod, not wanting to hear what shane says next, but also unable to move from his seat.

"i texted him last night, wanting to type out his name, but missed the last letter and... he thought i was confessing, which would make no sense," he continued, and hayden felt even worse for ilya with each new word from shane. 

jackie focused so hard not to yell 'you're a fucking idiot, shane,' but she didn't want to start an argument and didn't want shane to realize what a mess he was making yet. instead, she looked at ilya, her heart breaking for the poor boy.

"i'm just glad he's safe," he whispered to her with new tears covering his cheeks now.

"why do you think he'd think that? did you give him any signs beforehand?" hayden tried to stay calm and get more information but this was already out of character, usually he'd just be insulting rozanov.

"no, we're just doing this project together- oh fuck, that's today... would i get in trouble if i missed history today so i could go home to get ready?" he shifted the conversation towards something nobody else cared about at that point.

"it would ruin your perfect attendance, but you could make up an excuse. but back to rozanov situation... why did he think you said you loved him?" 

jackie and ilya knew that whatever was coming would hurt even more, they were mad at hayden for pressing for more information, even though they needed to hear it.

"i don't know, maybe he thinks i meant it in a friendly way... maybe he's teasing me, trying to throw me off balance like you said," he said, obviously lying, but ilya had no capacity to analyze his tone as he was actively breaking his heart.

"that's weird even for him," hayden replied, not knowing what to say anymore, "but what the fuck happened to you? your parents were so worried you didn't come home last night."

"i'll talk about it at lunch, i'll call you, head's killing me, i need to go home," shane said in a pained voice, "wait why are you awake right now, it's like 7am, aren't you at home resting your leg?"

"your parents called to ask about you and i panicked, i'm at your house with jackie right now."

"oh, hi jackie!" he said excitedly, not worried about what she just heard him say on the phone. her and hayden were a package deal, she'd find out either way.

"hi, shane, glad to know you're okay," she tried to sound normal so he wouldn't suspect anything weird. she was thankful hayden hadn't mentioned ilya. sometimes that brain worked well in social situations. only sometimes. 

shane ended the call, telling hayden to tell his parents that he's okay and on his way home. he went back inside to reassure them and wait for shane there together. 

jackie stayed with ilya, knowing that she must make him leave or hide before shane gets home made her want to cry.

"you heard everything... are you okay enough to go to school today after this? do you want me to drive you? get you breakfast? go somewhere else to talk?" she offered everything she could think of, knowing that ilya was also aware that he needed to leave.

"all of the above, please," he answered weakly.

she got back into the driver's seat, texting hayden to make up an excuse for her as she's helping ilya.

"to where, you still haven't told me if you wanted to go to school?"

"i have to... our group project is today, he can't do it alone. i mean, he can, but it's not graded individually, and we divided the workload," he tried to think about the project only, not about whatever happened to shane and definitely not about him mocking his confession, saying he has no clue why he said that.

and what hurt the most was that he didn't get a text back. maybe what he said to hayden was just a lie, hiding his sexuality... but why would he even mention it to hayden then?

jackie drove slowly to a small bakery near their school, parking there and dragging ilya out of the car and inside the bakery. 

"you don't have to worry about people listening here, it doesn't open for guests for another hour, but the owner is my aunt and she'll let us in," she explained, trying to get him to be less paranoid. 

he still felt the need to pull his hood over his recognizable hair before sitting down in a booth with her.

the owner was polite and warm, a lot like jackie. ilya liked this family a lot so far. he felt sorry for her for dating someone like hayden, but avoided speaking about it because she was helping him.

"so how did this happen? i assume he was lying a lot on the phone..." she asked him after ordering them her favorite, the carrot cake. ilya also insisted on ice cream for both of them, saying that he'd pay.

"it was just harmless flirting at first... i've been fascinated by him for a while and wanted to test him, see how he'd react to compliments."

jackie listened closely, thanking her aunt as she brought them the cake, two scoops of ice cream and a coffee each. 

"it was pretty easy to get fun reactions from him, but it wasn't just that. i genuinely liked him from the start, he approached me with no prejudice, only worry in his voice. i had a lot of rumors going around about me, hayden probably mentioned," he started eating and talking with food in his mouth, unable to stop now that he finally started opening up to someone.

she nodded, "yeah, but he didn't do you justice, you're nothing like he described you."

"i might be like that on the surface, i don't deny it. but shane never treated me like i was what rumors said. he was fine with me being bi, even joking with me about a gay teacher, positively, he's just very lovable... and i couldn't help but catch feelings, i think. i don't have to explain how nice he is, you've known him for longer."

"yeah, but i don't know the same side of him as you do."

"then we kind of drifted apart, i was scared of acting upon my feelings, scared that he might not even be gay and that i misread him. so i kept my distance, but i felt him watching. and i told myself i wasn't just being delusional anymore," he continued eating and drinking, like this was his first meal of the week.

"and then we were assigned this project together... finally got some alone time, and we kissed," he said with a sad smile, putting the fork down, getting serious enough to stop eating through it.

jackie stared at him as if she were watching a tragic love story, like 'romeo and juliet'. little did she know how funny that thought would be to them.

"we kissed in public so he panicked, but we later went to my place, with the excuse of working on the project, but ended up doing none of that. it was his first time with a man, neither of us could hold back, i felt really special. i've been with a lot of people before, but never like this. and i never trusted someone like this. maybe that's what made it hurt more," his voice cracked.

she instinctively grabbed his hand, holding it as if it were made of glass, tracing over his knuckles with her thumb.

"then he mentioned my parents. i reacted badly, because my mom is dead and i don't speak much with my dad. and he immediately felt bad, he blamed himself a lot, it made him lose focus, get a bad grade, stop being the warm shane and became robot shane, protecting himself. and probably other people from himself. and i didn't do anything about it. i watched him fall apart and just acted like everything was fine. stayed professional, stopped teasing him because i wasn't getting any reactions anymore. i was relieved a bit, thought that if it ended like that, it would be easier to get over. and it would have been."

jackie could tell this was getting both emotionally and physically exhausting for him, especially spilling all of that in his second language, but she didn't want to stop him. she felt like he needed this for a while, that it's been inside him all this time and he finally had a chance to get it out.

"but he was late for the last meeting yesterday, i thought something bad happened, but he said that he was with hayden at the hospital. you know about it. i came over to keep him company and make sure he wasn't hurt. when we weren't needed there anymore, i snuck us into a restroom stall and... it was risky, but i could see him get a little better after that. then i convinced him to come over to my place again."

her phone glowed with a text from hayden, after seeing that it wasn't urgent she put it away, focusing back on ilya and eating her cake.

"a second," ilya said, finishing his cake and ice cream,  and then continued, "we were serious at first, but i teased him again and he got a little mad or uncomfortable with some comments i made, he said that i'm always playing him. i should have known better, he was too vulnerable. but yeah, there was sex again and then we concluded our plan for today and he left. on good terms, i thought. but then all of this happened and i don't know anymore..." his eyes filled with tears again, he looked like a little boy, "fuck this shit," he wiped his tears with his sleeves, looking at jackie with a more serious and mad expression.

"how do i make this go away? i am not like this," he said, as if he were sick and needed a cure.

"you don't... you still don't know how he really feels, what he told hayden was definitely bullshit," she offered a small smile, "he might feel the same, but he's terrified."

"he feels physically safe with me, i'm sure. but he barely lets anything personal out..."

"he's still figuring it all out, don't be mad at him for this..."

"i know, i could never get mad at that face," he said, imagining shane in front of him and smiling at the thought.

when they finished their cake and drinks, ilya insisted on paying even though the owner told them it was on the house. he slipped twice as much as it all cost into the tip jar and thanked jackie's aunt.

they went back to the car so ilya could get his bag before heading to class, but jackie insisted he sits down in the passanger seat for just a bit longer.

she pulled him in a tight hug. "it will get better, i promise. please text me or call me if you need to talk, i doubt your guy friends would be good for this."

she let him go and typed her number in his phone, saving the contact as 'bestie.' he smiled weakly at that and texted her a ':)' right away so she'd have his number. she wiped the rest of his tears, giving him a wet wipe to clean the ones that already dried on his cheeks. he took a deep breath and got out of the car, waving at her, telling her to drive safely. 

it was time to be brave. to act like nothing's happening. ilya was used to doing that. not like this. not after crying so much, maybe for the first time after his mother... not after actually opening up to someone.

he ran a circle around the school complex before going in and heading to their history classroom. maybe he should've skipped it too. seeing and hearing that teacher was the last thing he needed. and sitting there knowing shane wasn't coming until math... he knew he wouldn't be able to focus.

"any progress with your essay, rozanov?" the teacher caught him staring out the window for a while and had to turn his attention back to himself.

"i've been mostly focusing on the contributions of immigrant communities so far," he spoke, not wanting to give the teacher any satisfaction of catching him off guard.

"the point of the essay is understanding the other side too, read the topic again."

ilya had no energy to reply, he already had a hard time not rolling his eyes. 

cliff apparently noticed that he was acting strange. he wanted to find out what happened, but made the worst possible guess, "girl problems? finally find someone you like and she don't like you back?"

maybe not the worst possible, he just missed the gender.

he managed to let out only a dismissive 'no' before shane politely entered the classroom with a terribly covered purple bruise on his cheek, saying "excuse me for being late, can i join the class now?"

"of course, hollander, take a seat," the teacher said with a forced smile. 

he sat down and put his notebook on the previously empty desk, because hayden wasn't there either.

people started whispering about the fact that it was his first time being late and, of course, about his bruise.

ilya had a big knot in his stomach. he didn't expect him so soon, especially not looking like that. 

the rest of the class took ages. he went through all the stages of grief at least five times, landing on depression by the time the bell rung.

he held back, didn't want to spook shane even more. but they needed some stability before presenting as a group, even if it were fake. so he approached shane on the way to their math classroom.

"you didn't text me when you came home, maybe i really should've called the police?" he tried to pretend the most recent texts never happened. 

shane didn't expect it. he thought ilya was ignoring it because it was just a joke in the first place. but if there was even a little chance he did mean it, shane did not want to mention it again. so he lied.

"i'm sorry, i lost my phone last night. a lot of things happened but i'm fine now, no need to alert the police," he tried to throw on his casual smile, but had a hard time getting it right.

ilya knew it was a lie, but he played along.

"still good enough here? do i need to switch partners last minute?" ilya touched shane's forehead, gesturing towards his brain, already mad at himself for initiating contact.

"yep, all good. no accident is taking my knowledge about 'romeo and juliet' from me," he stepped inside the classroom, sitting on his usual spot.

ilya went back to his, now with more information to overthink about. 'accident? did he get in a car accident? he doesn't even drive yet. did a car hit him?'

he sent a quick text to jackie, telling her about what shane looked like and how he lied about the phone.

she didn't see the message soon enough, so he had to put his phone away and endure the class. 

at one point shane got up to solve a problem on the board, and ilya had to put his head down on the desk so he wouldn't be caught staring at his ass.

the classroom was on the ground floor, so ilya wasn't surprised when stinker, the school cat, managed to jump on the window next to him and enter the room through it.

luckily, nobody else saw it, so ilya grabbed him and put him in his lap, making a little 'shh' sound and petting him for the rest of the class. cliff noticed but said nothing; he liked seeing ilya's softer side.

after everyone but the teacher and ilya left the classroom, he picked up the cat and gave it a kiss between the ears, putting him back next to the window, so he could go back out if he wanted to. the teacher was just confused at how he managed to have a cat with him during class and not get caught. he made a mental note to watch rozanov more carefully during tests.

ilya sprinted out to catch up, knowing that shane needed a bit of reassurance before the english class started. he sat next to him and looked into his eyes kindly, setting his book on the desk.

"you got this. we got this. it's not gonna be like that history thing, that was because the teacher is a bitch, you know that grade wasn't a good reflection of your knowledge... let's go crush this."

and just as he was saying that, mr. landry walked in, smiling at ilya's kind words. "which teacher is a bitch? i'll keep my mouth shut, i promise."

ilya refused to answer, but everyone already knew.

there were two other groups before them and they just recycled the same three sentences over and over, not really digging deeper or having any personal comments on the plays they had chosen. it made shane relax a bit more, knowing that's what the average is, and that he was well above it. 

he still looked like he was about to vomit. he never worried about school work like that before. or was it something else this time?

they indeed crushed it. the teacher looked surprised at some of their takes, but they made perfect sense at the end. half of the class engaged, asking questions and giving their own comments, seeming to understand what they talked about. they were also glad to see the two of them working together, hoping for a scandal, a slip-up, but it never came. they were perfect together.

after the applause that neither of the previous groups got, they sat back down and did an awkward high-five. 

but shane still looked bothered, he was still pale, so much that the concealer on his face that covered the bruise was now at least four shades darker than his skin.

"are you gonna tell me what happened to your face? why didn't you go home yesterday?" ilya asked, now that their group work was done. 

"how do you know that i didn't go home? i did not mention that," shane grew more worried, he knew that ilya was hiding something.

"you would've texted me that you got home, i asked you to," he tried to play it off like he didn't know for sure.

"i'm not your obedient little puppy. and you said it... you said it like you knew i wasn't home, you were sure," shane whispered angrily, not wanting the rest of the class to hear.

they were interrupted by mr. landry. "i know you're full of adrenaline after doing a good job, but please be quiet while your classmates are presenting their work. they listened to you when it was your turn."

and he was right, they shouldn't have talked about it in class, but ilya couldn't help it.

"go take a walk around the building and come back, i won't write it anywhere, just go take a break," the teacher suggested, wanting to keep the peace in class and also seeing they have something urgent to talk about, which would be better away from the ears of gossipers. 

they listened and left the classroom with hall passes.

"gay godmother, really good at observing," ilya was thankful he noticed and let them out.

"rozanov, stop pretending everything is fine, you knew," shane insisted. 

"let's not do this here," he replied with an angry but hurt voice. it stung like a bitch to be called by his last name. especially by shane, the one who moaned his name so freely, just a day ago.

he lead him towards the big climbable oak tree, the one far enough from the classrooms so nobody would hear them, and climbed up a few branches, sitting down and extending shane a hand to help him up.

shane climbed on his own, ignoring the hand, landing on the branch just a bit higher than ilya's. everything was a competition between them. but this time ilya didn't want to climb higher.

"i did know, and i know you lied about your phone. i know you saw the messages. and i know i misunderstood yours," ilya admitted, looking around for his emotional support cat.

stinker sensed being needed, so he climbed up, finding his familiar spot in ilya's lap.

shane's face went through so many emotions over the course of just a few seconds. and finally, when it hit him, when he realized what made the most sense, but he failed to think of as an option before, he said quietly "...you were there with hayden, you heard me on the call."

ilya pouted sadly and let out a sad "bingo."

"that's, that's an invasion of privacy, i thought i was only speaking to hayden. and jackie, sure, they're a 1+1 deal... you... why would you even be there? they were at my house when i called... wait, you were at my house? with my parents? and none of you thought it would be nice to tell me?" he was freaking out, now standing on the branch he was previously sitting on, towering above ilya with a horrified expression.

stinker poked his head into ilya's palm, startled at the volume shane was talking at.

"hayden wanted to tell you, he tried. i didn't meet your parents, jackie and i were in the car the whole time. i was there because you weren't answering. i called hayden to-" ilya tried to explain, now slightly scared of the tone shane was using, mirroring the cat's expression.

shane interrupted him, "you don't get to be worried about me, you don't get to act like you care and come to my house searching for me. i don't have the obligation to answer your every call and message if i don't want to, i told you, i'm not your puppy. i am not easy for you play with," he sat back down and lowered his voice, not wanting to scare the cat away.

"but you asked me to answer your calls, you could've been in trouble. when i figured out what you actually meant in those messages i had millions of bad things that could've happened to you on my mind. i needed to hear you on the phone to know you're safe," he held back the tears.

"i just wanted to get drunk and one girl almost took advantage of me, but a nice guy saved me from her, held her back while she was trying to throw punches at me for rejecting her. that's what the bruise is from—one of the punches landed. then him and i climbed up to the roof of a building and continued drinking there. i hooked up with him and he left earlier for work so i fell asleep on that roof alone," shane explained.

ilya was left with even more questions, a lot of what shane said made no sense, but his reason was blinded by how hurt he was. "that doesn't explain the messages you left me, why would you be thinking about me in the middle of all that?" 

"i didn't get the guy's contact so i thought you might have it... gay community and all that..."

that lie couldn't fool anyone. not even ilya who was completely out of his mind.

"try again, hollander."

"i'm done with your requests," shane climbed down and jumped off the lowest branch, "good luck with the elections. you'll need it."

and ilya was still on his branch, with stinker in his lap, who was now soaking up the tears that started flowing as soon as shane left.

---

jackie was furious. she became the only thing that kept ilya sane for the weeks after. he dropped out of the student council race, with an excuse of having more important things to focus on.

hayden never told shane what actually happened in his car, only what he already knew: that ilya was worried and came with him. jackie wanted to beat everyone up for the lack of communication, but she didn't want to share anyone's secrets; she couldn't be the one to solve it all. shane needed to be honest with himself first.

shane looked better. his grades were back to normal, he was friendly with everyone, except for ilya. he managed to convince himself he didn't care. that it was just a moment of weakness and he's better without it. without ilya.

he participated in competitions, writing one of the best essays on 'denial' the judges have ever seen. ironic.

hayden looked guilty; he felt terrible for ilya, barely managing to keep it from shane. but maybe shane really didn't return the feelings? maybe ilya's words were only there to get him sympathy, and he lied about their relationship.

ilya went over their conversation so many times, seeing that a lot of it was out of character for shane. drinking? hooking up with a random man on some dirty rooftop? falling asleep on the same rooftop without texting his family? texting ilya? calling him three times?

it made no sense. he still believed shane just needed time and some personal space. until he saw him with his new girlfriend.

not a female friend. a girlfriend. public relationship. the perfect textbook romance.

fucking rose landry.

ilya got sick of seeing them together after one day. she came to pick him up after gym in her nice little pink dress, bringing him a can of ginger ale. svetlana watched them and commented how cute they were, that she knew he'd get a hot girlfriend in his league at some point.

ilya literally did get sick. he was bedridden for days, having svetlana bring his history essay to class because he couldn't go. 

he kept texting jackie the first two days, letting his frustration out. but at one point he just wanted to stop thinking about it. he wanted to go out and flirt with someone new, but his body temperature was too high and svetlana didn't let him leave the building. she was his delivery guy for everything that week.

he was thankful, she didn't push for information, she helped him get physically better and put up with his lame excuses of jokes. he definitely lost the spark. wasn't even funny anymore.

svetlana probably picked up the clues, she was way too smart not to figure it out. she quickly stopped mentioning shane and rose to him.

but that wasn't enough for him to escape them. mr. landry sent him an email, a really sweet email, worrying about his health. rose was his niece. shane had to go and ruin everything, even his favorite teacher. by dating his fucking niece. 

he couldn't reply, he didn't trust himself not to shit talk his niece and pour out his frustrations. 

"act like you're my girlfriend at school," he asked svetlana as they were watching a hockey game, cuddling on his couch. 

she sat up and shot him a suspicious look, "you're being immature, you want to make someone jealous now. you rejected me every time i tried something with you for the past few months."

"i want to see if he will get jealous. and if he doesn't—i'll drop it, know it's my time to leave him alone," he looked away from her.

"ilyusha, that's not okay. you don't get to just use people and play around, waiting for the reaction you like. i want to help, but not like that."

"he also said that i'm just playing with him, but that's not true," he looked back.

"i know it's not. i can see that you care so much it got you sick, but don't try to solve problems by making new problems," she hugged him close, "do you want to talk to me about him?"

"no. i want to forget this. i don't like feeling like this. getting attached always ends with me being left alone," he breathed heavily, suppressing more emotions, "sorry, sveta, i'm not alone, you're here, and i love you, but it's not the same."

she held him tightly against her chest, brushing his hair, "i know, i love you too, ilyusha. but don't make stupid decisions just because you're hurt."

they ended up napping there together for an hour. ilya woke up first and made them some cookies for dinner. he enjoyed baking; it could be relaxing.

she woke up a bit later, feeling the absence of his large body.

"i'm going to school tomorrow," he stated, "i can't give everything up because of this, i need to keep the promise and stay her smart boy..."

"you'll always be irina's smart boy, no matter how many days of school you miss," svetlana looked up at him sadly, "but you should go back, you look better. and you definitely need some fresh air, some physical activity, maybe even to see people who aren't me."

"i'll never get tired of you."

"i know, but you can't just isolate yourself from everything else."

"right. i might even find someone better than him if i look around," ilya said, not believing himself.

svetlana wanted to say she doubted it, but kept her mouth shut, knowing that it would hurt him more.

on his first day back, he got welcomed like a king, but was also on the receiving end of some stupid jokes about his immune system.

it was time for them to get their history essay grades. ilya was not excited about that. but he knew he wrote it well, saying what was expected, but also adding some controlled personal touches to it, nothing too scandalous or incorrect to get him a lower grade.

not a single immigrant in the room got above 85.

publicly announcing the grades was the teacher's biggest mistake. the whole class went silent in shock. they knew he was racist, hateful towards other nations, unnecessarily rude to everyone who wasn't 'pure' in his words. but it never reflected on their grades before.

ilya stared at his 81 and started hysterically laughing, so much that everyone's eyes were on him in a second. he got up with his papers in hand and stormed out, giving the teacher a malicious look. 

he quickly gave scott hunter a call, "it's time."

and that was somehow enough. like a spy movie. scott knew what to do, he happily met ilya in the hallway, carrying all the evidence he had of the teachers mistreatment towards some students, including himself. he wasn't targeted for his race or nationality, but he publicly defended gay people and that was also a deal breaker. 

the rest of the students knew to follow him, the ones who felt discriminated against, at least. shane was confused and angry. he came along once he realized he wouldn't be singled out as the only one doing something bad. was it even bad? standing up for himself? reporting a teacher who was doing something he shouldn't?

a group of around 15 people waited in front of the vice-principal's office, each calling more of their friends who had the same complaints. ilya knocked and the whole group went silent.

as the sweet voice from inside said "come in", he turned towards the group and said, "i'll start and tell her that every single one of you has a similar problem and ask her to hear all of us out. we don't want her to feel cornered. we need her on our side."

"wait," shane lifted his hand from the back of the crowd, drawing attention to himself, "i'll come too, she might take it more seriously if both of us come in."

a lot of the kids nodded and encouraged that, so ilya had no choice but to let him. 

he opened the door and stepped in, shane followed close behind, closing the door.

"hey boys, what's so urgent? i saw around 10 more people behind you, is there a problem?" the vice-principal said, knowing that seeing both of them so serious in her office couldn't mean anything good.

"yes-" they both started at the same time and shane just lowered his head and let ilya continue.

"i know you haven't been on this position for a long time, but, have you had anyone complain to you about our history teacher—mr. brandy?"

"yes, there were a few kids, but would you like to explain what exactly you're complaining about right now?"

'she's an asian woman, ilya, she'll have to understand and help us,' he thought before spitting it all out.

they both told her about their bad experiences and this last one, saying that the other people who were still in the hallway have their own similar stories that needed to be heard. she wrote a couple of things down and listened, telling them that she needed a formal written complaint from the school board, but that she'd start working on solving the problem right away. 

as she was listing all the things they needed to do, mr. brandy barged in yelling, "those kids have no clue what they're talking about, they're just mad after getting some bad grades."

"mr. brandy, please, don't raise your voice in my office and let me finish talking with the boys first," she said calmly.

a girl was heard laughing at that, and when the teacher left the room defeated, he took out his anger on her, slapping her cheek. the sound echoed down the otherwise silent hallway. 

he just dug his own grave. 

the vice-principal's voice wasn't calm and soft anymore. "you're suspended, get the fuck out of my school."

the students were speechless, but satisfied. the girl he slapped tried hard not to laugh at him again. he finally got what he deserved and there was no coming back from what he did. 

the vp called the police, informing them of what just happened in front of her. she told the group to take a break before their next class and that this situation would be handled quickly.

scott pulled shane and ilya away, wrapping an arm around each, dragging them out. 

"we barely had to do anything, he is so fucking stupid," he laughed.

both shane and ilya felt very uncomfortable, but couldn't say anything. ilya was also visibly enjoying the chaos, obviously not happy for the girl who got slapped, but still, they won. 

"drinks on me, boys," scott said enthusiastically, even though he knew the two of them weren't old enough to drink yet, he'd get them something.

"i don't drink, sorry," shane said, which earned him an impulsive reaction from ilya.

"oh, now you don't drink? what changed? got a girlfriend to set you back on the right path?" 

to scott this just seemed like friendly chirping, ilya's habit from ice, but shane's reaction proved him otherwise.

he stopped walking and stared angrily at ilya, "it was one time, for fuck's sake, let it go."

"he was that special, yes?" ilya said with an ironic smile, forgetting that shane started drinking as soon as he left his apartment, not when he met the guy.

shane was confused for a second, he was about to say 'who,' but he remembered. "leave me alone, rozanov," he walked away from the two of them.

scott had never been so confused. shane got drunk once? he was special? who was he? and why does rozanov care so much?

"he doesn't take those comments well, go easy on him," he said to ilya, as if it were just shane getting butthurt about something.

"i know what he can and what he cannot take," he said with a focused look towards shane's back, "get me that drink, hunter, let's find some good vodka."

he didn't open up to him. they just forgot about the conversation with shane and celebrated getting rid of mr. brandy, the more boring way.

scott even suggested drinking brandy as a joke, but ilya refused because 'he didn't want to swallow brandy,' always making some stupid sexual jokes.

ilya made it through the day easier than he expected. he planned to stay longer in his drama class so he wouldn't have to see shane go home with his girlfriend after his gym class. 

but he seemed to forget one thing. rose landry was in his drama class. and she was too fucking friendly.

when he stayed behind, taking ages to change out of his costume, he saw her approach him. 

"hey, ilya, i'm glad to see you're back. my uncle keeps mentioning you, and he worried when he didn't see you come to school all week," she said cheerfully.

"mmm yes, i know. he sent an email. nice guy," he said without looking at her.

"oh yeah, he mentioned that too. we also missed you here in class, you're a good actor," she complimented him. and it sounded so sweet. so sickly sweet. it sounded fake.

"you don't need to keep the conversation going, hollander is waiting for you," he took off his fake eyelashes, he was playing a girl in their semestral play. 

"he's patient. i just wanted to compliment you. you don't talk to many people from this class if we're not acting..." she sat on a prop chair next to the vanity ilya was using, "you seem like a nice guy, i want to be your friend."

ilya really wanted to convince himself she was being fake. that she was playing some sick prank on him by being so nice. maybe even hollander put her up to it. no. he would never.

he closed his eyes and rested his heavy head on his left fist, moving it up and down then, like he was punching his fist with his face. he breathed out and turned to her, deciding to be polite, "i'm not a nice guy, rose. people don't talk to me for a reason."

"and i am not in the mood for new friends right now, i stayed behind to be alone, please go."

she understood and packed her things, heading out. 

she couldn't help but add, "if you change your mind, you know where to find me!"

the rest of the year went smoothly, as much as it could. they got a substitute history teacher for the last few weeks and she regraded every test and essay people had complaints about, knowing that those grades were important to kids who were about to apply somewhere for further education.

both shane and ilya had their essay grades corrected to 95, staying comfortably in the run for valedictorian. 

the new teacher was strict, but fair. she had more experience with teaching at smaller schools so this was slightly overwhelming, but the students welcomed her well as soon as they saw she was nothing like mr. brandy.

ilya's drama class play was wrapping up, he played a cold, rich widow, always dressed in full black with plum lipstick, the one that stained shane's copy of 'romeo and juliet.' rose had the role of his maid, so they had to interact a lot, but ilya was surprisingly good at separating acting from private life. 

right after christmas break, they were supposed to return to school on monday, but ilya took another day off to celebrate orthodox christmas at home with svetlana. shane forgot about the fact that russians had different holidays. he just thought ilya started avoiding school again because of him.

he liked rose. loved her, even. but it wasn't the same. the relationship with her wasn't what he wanted or needed.

he tried hard to compress himself back into the box he was placed in long ago by everyone around him, but it was too claustrophobic in there, he knew he needed to get out.

and new year's eve with rose proved him just that. 

they were at her friend's house, having a small party with only close friends, around 20 of them, because rose was popular. shane caught himself staring at men dancing way more than at his own girlfriend. she caught that too.

after the countdown and helping the borderline alcohol-poisoned people vomit, the rest of the awake people scattered around the house, with rose and shane ending up in her friend's bedroom. 

"are you sure you wouldn't rather be with someone else right now?" she looked up at him from her spot on the carpeted floor. 

he sat down next to her with his back against the bed, "no? why would you think that? i like it here, with you," he took her hand in his.

"it's just... you've been pretty absent all night, not just tonight, but... this whole time. like your mind is somewhere else, not with me."

shane squeezed her hand and stared at the door, "i just have a lot going on at all times, i'm sorry. i'll try to be a better boyfriend, just tell me what you'd like."

"you're not a bad boyfriend, shane, you're really sweet and considerate. i just think that... you're not really satisfied with me, you'd be happier dating someone else, like ilya," she said, hinting at shane possibly being gay, not knowing about anything between him and ilya.

he dropped her hand immediately, so suddenly it hit the floor and made a sound. but he didn't hear. he couldn't hear anything after ilya's name left her lips. 

he knew he had to deny it, but his body couldn't produce a single sound in that moment. 

"shane, are you okay? i'm not mad at you... i can't imagine how hard it must be," she put her hand on his thigh, trying to comfort him. 

he had no energy to lie anymore. she gave him an easy way out, didn't even make him say it. but it was still complicated, admitting it out loud makes it more real.

he brought his thighs to his chest and hugged around his legs, burying his face in his knees, "how did you-"

"i've only had experience with gay men, being into acting, you know... i can spot one easily, especially if i'm dating them," she laughed, hugging him with one arm.

"and i didn't mean ilya specifically, i saw that you were horrified at the thought, you're rivals and all... he was just an example, because he obviously likes men too," she continued, trying to comfort him.

she felt his body relax a bit after that and tense up again. 

"i know he does... i, uhh... i had experiences with him," he admitted, still unable to look at her.

"oh my god, really?" she said, like it wasn't her boyfriend saying that.

"wait, okay, shane, let's just... break up right now, so you can tell me everything you want as my gay best friend and not as my boyfriend," she said with an encouraging smile, running her hand through his hair.

he looked back up at the door.

"others won't come up here, miles only lets me in his room; everyone else knows it's off limits. and he's not coming in either, he's asleep and looks like he won't be waking up for hours," she reassured him.

"okay..." he finally got the courage to look at her and her face relaxed him even more, seeing that there was no judgment or anger. "we're just friends now."

"best friends," she corrected him and grabbed his hands in both of hers.

"okay, best friends," he let out a small laugh, finally smiling, "uhhhh..... it's way too long of a story."

"good thing i'm not going anywhere, now spill."

and he did. everything. from the first day they met to his cowardly lies and running away. 

"sounds like you're allergic to letting yourself be happy," she commented, now looking down at shane who had his head on her lap, lying on the floor. 

"i don't trust that happiness, he's too hard to predict, i can't be walking on eggshells around him all the time," he explained.

"but from what you told me, he's not hard to predict at all. he obviously cares a lot about you, he's just... careful, guarded, but way less than you."

"i keep pushing him away because i can't trust people with my heart..." he said, as if he were only searching for excuses all the time.

"but what's the worst outcome? it won't be worse than what you already went through by pushing him away all the time and making yourself feel guilty. it's like you're so used to things going wrong now, that you can't let yourself enjoy and be optimistic about something."

"i don't want to think about the worst outcome. i just... wanted to protect him from myself. i can be careless and not think too much before saying things. and he's already hurting, so much. i think my presence in his life would just make it worse," he continued with the excuses, "i panicked a lot when he said that he loved me... at that point i tried so hard to convince myself it was just one of his insensitive jokes, i wanted to make myself hate him just so it would be easier."

"but you can't, you love him, shane," she grabbed his hand and rested it on his chest, "you're hurting both of you by trying to stay away..."

"oh my god..." her hand flew up to cover her face in shock as she realized, "he... he got sick after seeing you with me, he didn't go to school for days just to avoid you and he stayed in class longer so we would leave before him, so he wouldn't have to see us together."

"i noticed... and i feel more and more guilty each day, seeing his expressions. but i've cemented my role as a villain in his life..."

"shut up, he's jealous, he's still so jealous and he still wants you, just talk to him, please," she bounced her leg a bit to let him know to get up.

he sat up and looked at her sadly, with tears forming in his eyes.

"promise me you'll talk to him, for your own conscience, your own peace, no matter what happens next," she pouted with a worried look.

he had a hard time saying anything for a bit, thinking it over. once he decided, he swallowed hard and nodded, "i promise i'll talk to him."

"about what you just told me, not the weather or school..." 

"yes, about this, about my feelings, okay?" 

"yeah, okay, i believe in you," she hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek.

---

the first day back after the holidays was slow. shane finally got the confidence and stopped feeling sorry for himself, wanting to actually make a change. but ilya wasn't there.

every class was the same thing—preparing for finals. shane never imagined that there'd be a time where the finals weren't the number one thing on his mind in january. 

he even thought about texting ilya 'merry christmas' when he learned that's why he wasn't there that day, but it seemed like too much, especially after their last exchange.

he thought about coming out to scott. he's been pretty vocal about defending gay kids at school. or maybe mr. landry. but he'd probably get mad at him for dragging his niece into his problems.

he decided not to be too direct about it.

once the english class was over, he came up to mr. landry, looking around and waiting for everyone else to leave before speaking. 

"excuse me, i know you mentioned knowing people who could help ilya that one time. but i was wondering if that offer stands for me too, maybe?"

his eyes softened, immediately understanding what he's talking about, "of course it does, shane, i figured you'd need a support system after rose told me about your breakup, saying that you just weren't compatible, but are staying friends. she didn't tell me more than that, it's not for me to know."

"and you're not mad at me? for playing with her feelings?" he asked in a small voice.

"no, she's not mad at you either, i hope you know that," the teacher said, taking a card from his bag and handing it to shane, "here, give him a call when you feel like you want to talk to someone who can understand your problems."

shane took it and stared at it for too long, holding back tears, "thank you, but don't go easy on me in class just because you know i'm dealing with something right now, i'm sure the other kids also have their own issues that also mess with their academic ability."

"i wasn't planning to. i know i never have to lower my standards for you. you're exceptional, i hope you realize that. and it won't change just because you're having a rough time right now."

he smiled and nodded with tears still in his eyes, turning around to head to lunch, waving back.

hayden looked up from his food to see a more cheerful shane than he'd been the days before, "who would've thought that breakup would make a man even happier than the relationship? i thought you liked rose."

shane sat down across from him and next to jj, "i do, she's wonderful, but not like that for me. i'm just excited and terrified about something else..."

the way he said it made both of the other guys understand that he didn't want to be questioned about it, but they were glad to see him look better. 

"so, when are we gonna start being regulars at the gym again? january is just the right time to start working out to get ripped for summer, i want to give them ladies something nice to look at," he said, flexing his already big muscles and making hayden laugh.

"i don't know about you, but for me—every day is leg day."

"yeah, because of physical therapy and hockey, but i want a group workout session with my boys," jj said, trying to hype them up.

shane just observed them with a smile and ate the lunch his mom made him.

he woke up the next day to his mom sitting on his bed and saying that there's no school because of a heavy overnight snowfall. she was excited to have her son with her at home all day.

but shane was bummed. he finally got the courage to talk to ilya and it just couldn't be over the phone or messages, so now he had to wait more. 

his dad still had to go to work, so shane impulsively asked him if he could come along, saying he couldn't sit still, which wasn't a lie. he asked to be dropped off at the library, which was conveniently close to ilya's apartment block.

david was confused, but still obliged. yuna was sad to see him go, but realized that he probably didn't want to spend time at home if he can be somewhere else with his friends, she guessed that the library wasn't his final destination.

he made sure his dad saw him entering the library, staying there for a few minutes before heading towards ilya's building. he wanted to turn around and go home so many times, but it would be hard without someone to drive him, and hayden's car couldn't handle the weather like his dad's suv.

once he got to the entrance, he stepped back, looking around. he made a small snowball out of the softer snow and threw it at ilya's window, trying to get his attention. he was probably sleeping. and his ringtone wouldn't wake him up, only the alarm, which he probably turned off and went back to sleep once he heard that there was no school. 

he contemplated climbing up a tree to get closer to his window, but couldn't do it in so many layers of winter clothes. he decided to throw another snowball.

that seemed to work. ilya's head peeked out the same window, curls messily falling over his face. he had an expression like he was gonna throw something heavier down at whoever was there, but his face softened when he saw shane, who looked so little and round from above.

shane's eyes glittered with hope when he saw him, saying, "let me in, please." he wasn't thinking about being too loud, he didn't care about waking up other people. 

ilya rubbed his eyes in disbelief, but showed him a thumbs up and buzzed him in, standing next to the door in his underwear. 

svetlana woke up from ilya's movement, sitting up on the bed and staring at his back, "did you get delivery? are you crazy? we can finally sleep in..."

"no, it's shane?" he said, still confused and thinking that he's dreaming. 

svetlana jumped up and gathered all her clothes, running into the bathroom and grabbing the door handle to close it.

"sveta, you don't need to hide", he stopped the door from closing and gestured for her to come out with his head.

"i don't want him to get the wrong idea," she said, putting on normal home clothes and sitting on the couch, like she's been there the whole time.

then there was a knock on the door. shane. what the hell was he doing? why? how did he even get there in this snow?

he opened the door, bracing himself for something bad. but it never came.

"i'm gonna be really selfish and ask you to kiss me first and then talk. yes i broke up with rose. i'm single and i'm stupid."

ilya couldn't say no to those eyes, no matter how angry and frustrated he was for days, months even.

he pulled him inside and closed the door, grabbing his face with both hands and kissing him, letting it be easy, taking advantage of having shane right there, even if it was just a dream.

his lips felt real, his hands around his neck felt real, his short breaths between kisses felt real.

ilya pulled away urgently, feeling the need to avoid disaster, "uh... svetlana's here, she's just a close friend. we celebrated our christmas together here, she's also russian," he pointed back at her and she waved, turning around and picking up her things, wanting to leave them alone.

"no, wait, i didn't want to interrupt anything... i just couldn't wait any longer," shane said, reaching towards svetlana to stop her from leaving. 

"it's alright, you didn't interrupt anything. and you guys need to talk. and kiss. without me," she kissed ilya's cheek in a way even shane could see was friendly, "i live two minutes away, it's not a problem," calming the part of shane's brain that started thinking about how she'd get home in that snow. 

she left, saying that she'd love to actually meet shane soon, but after this, whatever it was.

the apartment felt empty and heavy now. ilya was barely registering what was going on, and shane looked like a kid who forgot his speech on the stage.

"i missed that. i missed you a lot. i know i don't have the right to say that after everything..." he started, not looking at ilya. 

ilya just helped shane get his layers off, leaving him in just a shirt and pants and dragging him into the bedroom. 

shane noticed the shapes left by two people on the bed, but decided to trust them and not jump to conclusions.

ilya wrapped himself in a fluffy blanket and sat on the bed, tapping the spot next to him, calling shane to come sit. he did.

"first of all. i lied a lot. you know about the phone, but also, i lied about the whole thing that happened after i left this place that day..." he looked out the window.

ilya listened with a serious expression, probably thinking that this was the last chance he was giving him to make things right. but no, he knows he would've given him many more. but he did use this one wisely. ilya could tell he would be honest this time.

"i was overwhelmed. i realized i enjoyed being with you more than i ever let myself enjoy anything. it was the first thing i did on my own accord, not to please people around me, but to please myself. and it was scary. i thought alcohol made things less confusing, so i went to drink. alone. there's no girl, no guy that saved me. definitely no guy i hooked up with," he made a disgusted expression, maybe because he couldn't think of a guy who wasn't ilya like that, maybe because he still wasn't comfortable with the fact that he was gay.

"i saw a sketchy-looking store, tried my luck and succeeded. the bruise is from a homeless guy who tried to steal my tequila. anyway, i ended up climbing up on the roof of a building i entered with an old lady, pretending i was a neighbor she just forgot about, and i looked over the city, enjoyed the view. i let myself have this last bit of peace before i end it with you."

ilya was now even more concerned for shane, his fingers traced the cheek the bruise used to be on, now completely gone. he was scared of this version of shane, he completely went rogue that night. he was a threat to himself.

"and then i got more and more drunk and started missing you. i was selfish, like i am today. i called you, left messages. the one you misunderstood, because i mistyped your name. i wanted to see you one more time, knowing it would be the last. and then, after the english class that day, i'd tell you i couldn't do this anymore. that was the plan. i wanted to keep my life as simple as it was before you. i couldn't stand seeing myself affect people badly. and if i stayed, i thought i would end up hurting you a lot."

"but you hurt me more by leaving..." ilya added, unable to control it.

"i know i did. that's why i'm here. i was so shocked when you told me about your mother, that i could've been so careless to mention it when you didn't want to talk. i just... i sometimes can't help but say things without speaking, i knew i couldn't promise to be more careful around you because i was sure i'd slip up. i'm oblivious to clear signs sometimes, and i need to be told more directly what is okay and what isn't. i didn't want to force you to put up with that."

"but i like that about you. you can't know and be in control of everything all the time, you shouldn't have made the choice that was supposed to be mine too. i would've gladly dealt with all of your flaws, getting used to them over time or helping you overcome the issues," ilya got up to close the window, shane was shivering.

the past tense hurt shane, the 'i would've', he thought that it was already decided. the last train departed and now there's no way of getting on. it was too late.

"i'm not only here to tell you about why i lied, to excuse my actions and words. i needed to tell you that i regret those choices deeply. that i always thought what i was doing was going to protect you, but now i know that's nowhere close. at one point i even managed to convince myself it was for the better, i let myself believe i was happy without you. but seeing the consequences on your face, the small expressions you can hide from others, but not from me, they made me realize i still felt the same. i still wanted to know you, watch your face every day and discover new emotions it can convey, be the reason you smile and not the reason you fall apart." shane looked up at that face, seeing only the pain he caused.

"it took me embarrassingly long to realize that i don't want or need anyone else, even though you told me that long ago," he looked away, anywhere but at ilya, "rose was... more like a friend the whole time, she's still a friend now and i'm so thankful for that. she made me realize i definitely only liked men. probably only you. no, i love you. even though i didn't mean to say it, i still felt it back then, so much it was making it impossible to think straight."

ilya teared up, sitting back down on the bed and wrapping the blanket around both of them, resting his head on shane's shoulder.

"and i'm not saying this just because i want you to forgive me, i really mean it. and you don't have to forgive me right away, you don't have to at all. i just got so tired of lying and denying myself this. you. and if you'll have me, i promise to make it up to you however you want... because i know i caused you so much pain and trouble, and i can't reverse that, so whatever is the second best..."

"you will be the second best, at the end of the year," ilya said cheekily, kissing behind shane's ear, "i'll find ways for you to make it up to me," he continued kissing down his neck, "but first, i love you too, i meant it the first time and i still do."

 "you do? really?" shane looked down and met his sparkly eyes. 

"you're a fucking idiot, hollander. looks like i'll need disclaimers every time i'm not joking," he bit his arm, sitting back up and wrapping his arms around shane.

shane melted into the hug, feeling lighter than ever, wanting to stay there as long as he could. maybe allowing yourself to have something you wanted wasn't so bad?

they stayed in bed for hours, just holding each other, not saying a word. they both needed this. to recharge. for whatever was coming for them next.

"i'm going to therapy this friday," shane broke the silence. 

ilya opened one eye and looked down at him, raising his eyebrow, "hmm... so you even took my potential therapist after taking my heart. not fair."

"hey, you had your chance," shane shifted, moving to lie next to him instead of on him. 

"yeah, but i picked jackie instead," ilya said, excited for the reaction he'd get.

"you picked who? you talk to jackie?" he sat up, not believing.

ilya laughed, grabbing his phone to show him the most innocent parts of his conversation with jackie, or 'bestie', how he has her in his contacts.

shane's face was painted with betrayal. "is that why she's been acting so cold to me? and why hayden doesn't talk shit about you anymore?"

"might be," ilya said innocently, "i didn't mean to say anything, but they saw my reaction when i thought you were in trouble and... jackie's not stupid."

"i'm glad you had someone to talk to, at least, even though i feel very betrayed," he grabbed his phone to text jackie about it but ilya stopped him.

"yeah, she understood me pretty well for someone who's not a man, or gay. and for someone who probably doesn't need to overanalyze her boyfriend all the time because he's too simple," he couldn't help but insult hayden.

ilya grabbed shane and pulled him back under the covers, spooning him.

"i actually really wanted to talk to you about my mother, i want to keep the memory of her alive. and, well, if i end up inheriting dementia from my dad... i might forget her, too, at some point," he said softly, tracing lines between shane's moles on his arm. 

"so keep her alive if i forget everything, okay?" he kissed his back, "i used to have a couple of things that belonged to her when i moved here. a chain with an orthodox cross, a couple of her drawings... but it's all gone now."

shane just listened with tears forming in his eyes, imagining how terrible he'd feel if something happened to his mother.

"the fight i started on ice. the one that got me the bad reputation that still lingers... he said something about her, vague, but enough for me to know what he hinted at. he took her things from me when he left. i didn't know for sure until then, i believed i just misplaced them, but no. it was him. for me, it was worse than getting my location leaked and he knew that. i wasn't careful enough to keep personal things from him, and he took advantage of that," he rolled to lie on his back, not wanting to hurt shane if he subconsciously became aggressive after remembering that, "i couldn't control myself."

shane turned towards him, grabbing his hand tightly and whispering, "i know, i was on your side from the start, this just makes it so much worse."

"tell me about her," he kissed ilya softly and pulled him closer.

---

exam season was much more bearable now that they didn't have to decipher each other's behavior and subliminal messages. they stayed private about their relationship, meeting at ilya's apartment after school and not interacting a lot in classes. ilya still sat next to cliff and shane still sat next to hayden, but ilya pretended to be shortsighted to have an excuse to move closer to the board. and closer to shane. 

jackie convinced shane and hayden to watch rose and ilya's semestral play they prepared in drama class, and none of them regretted it. shane figured out he might have even liked women, but only if it was ilya. 

shane was still terrified of telling anyone else that he was gay. canada was okay with it, his parents would be okay with it, but he still felt like he needed to hide it. so they did.

"i know nobody could replace your mom, but maybe i should introduce you to my parents. i think they'd like you. and you desperately need to eat some homemade food, mcdonald's is gonna kill you one day," shane said, sitting on ilya's couch as he was eating his mcnuggets over the kitchen counter.

"if you want to, yes. but i don't know how to win them over. they probably only know about the rumors. the parents spread them even more and make them worse than kids, so i have no clue which version they know," he answered with half of a nugget still in his mouth.

"i'm sure they'll be able to tell what's real and what's not when they meet you. plus, you love me, and i think that's what matters to them the most," shane got up and sat on the bar chair across from ilya, "mom might try some tactics to ruin your grades so i can win easier, but i'll tell her not to do that."

"you already got student council, i can have something else then, no?" ilya leaned for a kiss.

shane pretended to be appalled, whispering, "nugget breath, ew," he laughed and kissed back, "you can have a student council president boyfriend, i thought that was enough."

"more than that, but i don't satisfy myself with just 'enough', you know that," ilya picked up shane's hand and kissed his knuckles.

"don't get used to doing that, it's embarrassing..." shane blushed.

"what are you? mr. gay affection police?" he pulled his hand and continued kissing up his arm.

"ilya, stop distracting me... i tried talking to you about something serious."

"mmm...okay, yes. meeting the parents, i'm in. when?"

"i thought... there's a holiday coming up, on the 16th, family day. but maybe that's too much..." shane worried.

"no, it's perfect. should i bring my son too?" ilya asked with a serious face.

 "what son? you've been hiding a son from me? we are still kids, especially you, we shouldn't be having kids yet," shane was confused.

"relax, i meant stinker. i could steal him from the schoolyard, get him to experience family day too. but i think he's still a little scared of you, maybe."

"yeah, remind me to apologize for yelling around him... but you're not bringing him home. i don't want my parents' first impression of you to be 'hi i'm ilya and i steal the school cat occasionally'. you will be overwhelming enough," he said, but looked at ilya lovingly.

"it was a joke, but i might adopt him someday."

"we might adopt him someday. if he accepts my apology," shane corrected him.

---

"i keep trying to taunt rozanov's mom at parent council meetings, but she's untouchable. if i hadn't heard her speak perfect english, i would've thought she just couldn't understand what i'm saying to her," yuna said in the middle of a family dinner. 

she wanted to get her son every advantage to be the best, even though he hated it when she did that, saying that he didn't need help, that his knowledge would be enough. and yuna didn't doubt that, but she felt the need to be more useful, to manage him.

shane's fork dropped at his mother's words. she thought he'd complain about her methods again, but that wasn't it this time.

"what are you saying? his mother isn't alive," shane said like it was a well-known fact. 

"ah... then guardian, i guess. poor kid. i wonder how i never caught that, she does have a different surname and looks nothing like him," she said, deep in thought, "how come he dropped from the council race? he knew he would lose so he thought this way would give you less satisfaction?"

"yuna, maybe it's not like that, maybe he really had some issues at home," david interrupted her thoughts.

"uh, guys, i have to tell you something," shane drew the attention to himself.

"yes, honey, is everything alright at school?" yuna asked.

"yes, it's not school. well, it's a little school-related, but no," he looked down at his plate and took a few small breaths before looking back up.

"mom, dad, i'm gay. and i'm dating ilya. rozanov."

yuna just rewinded the past few months in her head, "for how long?"

"uh... dating, not long, a month? but we were kind of... lovers? before, ugh, no, gross, forget i said that, please," he covered his mouth and made a pained expression.

"and nobody else knows?"

"well, hayden and jackie figured out on their own. i told rose, ehhh... she actually also, sort of, figured it out. one of ilya's friends knows, and i think that's it. and now you, i'm sorry for not telling you sooner, but it was so complicated," he looked guilty, picking at his food with the fork.

yuna got up and walked to the other side of the table, sitting next to shane and pulling him into a hug, "i'm so sorry... sorry that i made you feel like you couldn't tell me. tell us. i noticed that you were more, well, emotionally unstable, i didn't want to butt in, but maybe you needed the support."

shane stared down at her hair and saw that his tears started falling on it one after another. he wasn't good with words at that moment, so he just squeezed her tighter, hoping it would get the message across.

once he pulled away, she wiped his tears and looked at him like he was a helpless puppy, "are you alright now? stable? because if he's a bad influence and makes you more sad than happy, i might intervene," she said with the best intentions.

"yeah, mom, he's amazing. i'm the one who messed up a couple times. he's making me the happiest," he reassured her, knowing that if she wanted to hurt ilya, she definitely could and would.

david just sat there looking at them with sympathy, but not coming closer, letting them have their moment. he saw the way shane's eyes lit up at the mention of ilya and he knew that even if he had something bad to say, he wouldn't give up on him.

"i just hope you're not gonna let him win..." yuna said, standing up to gather the empty dishes. 

"no, of course not. we're both too competitive to let the other win without a fight. well, he did maybe give up one time, but i think it wasn't to let me win. probably because he just felt like he couldn't do it anymore. which is my fault... but never again, i'm not hurting him again as a tactic to win."

"good. and i won't try to sabotage him anymore, i'm sorry. i know you didn't like that, and i believe you can win fairly."

"there's something else..." he looked even more guilty now, eating the last bite of his food before speaking again.

"i might have invited him to meet you for family day..."

"that's great, i didn't think you'd let us meet him so soon. is he okay with coming? does he want to bring his... guardian?" she asked, careful with the terminology.

"uh, no, i don't think so. i never heard him mention her, i honestly never thought about it. but i don't think that they're close," he helped her with the dishes, even though she tried to keep him away. "he was excited about meeting you, yes. but just be careful about the family thing, please."

"yeah... no family related comments, no sabotage, no mind games, got it. what does he like to eat?"

"i've never seen him refuse a meal. he mostly eats junk food, so i wanted to bring him here to eat anything but that." shane was surprised at how easy this all was, telling them about him like it's normal. like ilya's his girlfriend. no. it is normal. it's completely normal to date a guy, your school rival. but shane still wasn't used to that.

---

once hayden found out shane and ilya actually got together, he could finally stop walking on ice around shane. he could finally talk shit about ilya and not worry about triggering shane too much.

ilya also went back to being more cocky and loud, trying not to seem too suspicious. not to look like he's softened. 

"hey, pike! still not scoring on ice? you can't blame it on the leg injury forever," ilya sat on shane and hayden's desk, knowing that the chemistry teacher would be late, as always.

"fuck off, rozanov, you don't even play anymore, you can't tell me shit," hayden tried to push him off.

shane was terrible at hiding that he was in love with his boyfriend. even during conversations like these, he couldn't help but stare up at him with heart eyes. good thing the rest of the class sat behind them, minding their own business. 

"actually, i'll start teaching kids soon, i have a deal with one of the local hockey schools. maybe if you continue playing as you do, they'll send you back to u10 and you just might learn something from me."

"okay, enough, you're not on ice," shane jumped in, seemingly just pushing ilya away, but he was just glad to have an excuse to touch him in public without turning heads. 

just as ilya got off the desk, the teacher walked in and started writing something in big letters on the board.

'lab safety precautions'

"since we'll be mixing real chemicals and doing potentially dangerous things in the lab next week, i need all of you to listen closely now. blowing things up at school will not make you look cool. you'll get suspended, failed and it might end up on your criminal record. i wouldn't do it, not worth the risk, even though i, personally, love blowing things up. i know that every teacher says that their lessons are really important, but not learning this one might get you killed. so listen closely," the teacher started dramatically, making sure everyone was both excited and scared for his future classes.

he managed to explain everything they needed to know before their lab practices started next week. 

"there's going to be a test on lab safety this friday and if you don't get everything right on your first try, you have to retake it, for as many times as you need to, i'll stay here until every single one of you has a 100 on that, okay? if someone doesn't get it right by the time school closes on friday, i'm coming to your family dinner on family day and asking you the questions."

he was intense, but funny at times. shane wasn't worried at all about failing, it was easy to learn and was actually important knowledge. 

"and finally, your favorite topic—lab partners. i couldn't care less about who you're partnering with, pick your friends if you'd like, but don't get mad at me if they end up not doing their part. the only pair i'm not allowing is hollander and rozanov. that'd be like pouring water over acid—a big no-no," he said, looking at them, getting a laugh from the class, because why would those two ever end up working together willingly?

the teacher then started demonstrating what happens when you don't follow the protocols, showing some of his scars and burns from labs, "this is what happens when you're partnering with idiots. so don't be an idiot, learn this bare minimum knowledge, and don't let your stupidity linger on your partner's body in the form of scars." 

who let that man be a teacher? and why was the method working?

he ended the class early, letting them have more free time before their electives. 

as much as ilya wanted to drag shane somewhere away from everyone, they were still at school, he had to wait. he met up with svetlana, following her to the closest tim hortons to try some new menu items. 

as soon as they sat down with their food and drinks, svetlana started asking questions, "how's the honeymoon going? you are glowing, my dear. is he really as freaky as some people have been saying recently?"

ilya blushed at the start but changed face to show confusion at the last question, "who the fuck is saying that about him? i bet i have more fighting experience than them."

"calm down, it's the girls. they're saying that he must be freaky privately if he's so sweet and innocent on the outside, just speculating."

"ah... they're watching too much anime and american shows... but it's not wrong. he's sometimes even worse than me. but, anyways, honeymoon is going great. i have a feeling it will last for a pretty long time, i don't see myself getting sick of him soon, probably ever. god, this sounds so cliché, thank god nobody but you can understand me here." 

"you'd get married tomorrow if he agreed, that boy's got you wrapped around his finger. and i'm enjoying every second of that, i love this new side of you."

"it's for selected people only. i can't show weakness to others. i mean, he isn't my weakness, he's my strength. but i sometimes think about us coming out as a couple and all sorts of bad things pop into my head. like the possibility of someone getting their revenge for something i did in the past by hurting him. i've been an idiot for a while, i have no clue what shit i still have to pay for. and i'm terrified of the fact that someone might think of making him pay instead," he sipped his coffee.

"you shouldn't be thinking that far... and, you might be underestimating his abilities, he's a big guy, can protect himself pretty well. now, come on, i want to hear stories, not just watch you worry."

"i hope you know that i'm really uncomfortable sharing these things at all, it's embarrassing, you should feel extremely privileged. uhh... there's not much i can tell that shane would be okay with you knowing..." he started with a playful smirk.

"ilya, please," she flicked his forehead, "i know you have cute shit to tell me."

"okay, okay... he's really been clingy lately, saying that he wants to make up for the lost time. he's picking up new hobbies, but it's always something he heard me mention before in a positive light, a lot of things i told him my mom did, he wants to push me to try them with him, even when we both know we'd be terrible at it. he's taking keeping the memory of her alive quite seriously. he's also making me do some memory-enhancing exercises because i've mentioned being scared of dementia before. and he's helping me learn french," he smiled down at his coffee, "but i still see him look so guilty, for not letting himself enjoy being with me sooner. i do sometimes find myself remembering all the things he said and getting mad, but it's short-lived. everytime i see him i just completely shift to living in the present and being hopeful for the future."

"i don't think that guilt is going away anytime soon. even if you've forgiven him, he still hasn't forgiven himself. you'd be the same in his place, but you just had less self-control, and you were already outed," svetlana looked over ilya's shoulder, smiling and waving at someone, and then quickly making a sad pout at that person and pointing at ilya.

ilya was puzzled. he turned around to see who it was, but there were too many people. he turned back to svetlana with a raised eyebrow.

"it's rose, she called me over, but i showed that i was busy with you already, and you probably still don't have positive feelings about her because of the shane dating her thing," she explained.

"i don't... dislike her. she's just too cheerful. and it would be awkward to talk to her. but since when are you two friends?"

"she's in my philosophy class and, honestly, she's brilliant. i have no clue why shane went back to you after her, no offense. he must really be fully gay. god, i could talk about her for hours, but i doubt you want to listen to that."

"maybe if you realize she's the love of your life, but if not..." ilya laughed, finishing his food, "wait i forgot the two most important things. shane's in therapy now, it's actually helping. both him and me, because it helps him understand my side of some situations too. and also, guess who's spending family day with the hollanders?"

"no way... you're already meeting the parents? is he even out to them yet? i'm sorry i skipped over the therapy part, i'm really glad he's doing that and that it's been positive, but holy shit. you better prepare well for yuna hollander, i've heard that she can be intense, but in a good way. and don't overthink it, they'll like you the way you are, you're making their son really happy, shane is also glowing these days," she finished her tea and stood up, putting away their empty trays.

"i'm surprisingly calm about it. i have a good feeling. but shane is freaking out, even though he was the one who invited me. and yes, he did tell them in advance, kind of unplanned, but they took it well. yuna promised to stop trying to sabotage me, so that's a little win," he got up and headed out, linking his arm with svetlana's.

---

the holiday came too soon for shane, he still wasn't done going over everything bad that could happen and how to prevent it. 

they planned to go ice skating around noon and then decide together how to spend the rest of the day before going home for a big family dinner and competitive video games. 

they met with ilya at the rink, he was already there, for god knows how long. sitting on the bench next to it with his skates dangling next to his calf. he was smiling to himself. it was a smaller private rink, owned by david's close friend, someone who wouldn't take a second look at them or spread rumors. 

yuna walked in front of her family, wanting to be the first to greet her son's boyfriend. as she spotted ilya, she looked back at shane, asking for approval to approach him. he nodded.

"hey, oh you're even taller in person, hello, i'm yuna, shane's mom. just call me yuna," she came up to him with a sweet smile and an extended hand as he got up to greet her. 

he shook her hand firmly and smiled awkwardly, not like he planned; he wasn't used to smiling. "ilya. it's really nice to meet you, mrs. hollander, um, yuna, i'm sorry," he looked behind her at shane and his smile naturally grew.

he held back from kissing and hugging him to greet his father first. "i'm ilya, it's also great to meet you, mr. hollander, i've heard that you're an incredible cook," he shook his hand with a stronger grip, wanting to seem more serious.

"please, just call me david, if yuna's letting you use her name it would be weird if i was mr. hollander to you. and i'll let you be the judge of my cooking tonight, shane tells me that you don't get to eat homemade food often," he said, receiving an alarming stare from yuna, reminding him not to talk about anything related to his family.

but ilya didn't flinch, he just slightly nodded, "that's right, i really love takeout and sweet treats, but he's convincing me to eat healthier. he says i need to be a better example if i'm gonna teach kids about hockey," he finally reached for shane, settling for a short hug, trying not to make it uncomfortable.

it was still weird. doing this in front of his parents. doing this with a man. but it felt right.

they got in their gear, david and ilya fully dressed for hockey, holding taped sticks, after david challanged ilya to do some shootouts against each other. shane and yuna skated around carefully not to be in their way, watching them.

"he seems more goofy than i thought, it's cute," she commented.

"mom, please," shane's eyes followed ilya's figure as he sent the puck flying towards david's goal, he blushed.

and it was a goal, david seemed surprised. "good job," he acknowledged the good shot. 

ilya bowed like a princess and blew a kiss to shane, like saying the goal was for him. both yuna and david laughed while shane was hiding his face.

"it's a shame he gave up on this, he would've been the first pick easily," yuna sighed. 

"he is incredible, but the sport is just full of negativity and shitty people. he did get satisfaction from putting them down, but i think it would've just piled up at some point and made him go even more insane. maybe he'll do better as a teacher, raising kids to be better men than the ones currently in the nhl," shane explained.

"you might be right, he looks like he'd be good with kids."

"he's good with our school cat. he only comes up to him for pets, ilya even calls him his son..." shane said, rolling his eyes with a soft smile, returning his stare towards ilya.

"so we also have a grandson you failed to mention, what else are you hiding?"

"uhhh... there might be something else," he looked down, "i started going to therapy recently. it's not to complain about you, i swear. you've been amazing parents my whole life. it's just... there's some things i don't feel like talking about with you. some things you wouldn't understand as well as my therapist, i just hope you don't feel betrayed," he subconsciously skated a bit away from her, but she followed, wrapping him in a hug from behind.

"shane, honey, i don't feel betrayed, i know that there will always be things i can't help you with. and i'm very proud of you for seeking the people who can help you. i'm always here for things you want to share with me, but i'm not a professional, i'm just a mom."

"you're not just a mom, you're the best mom i could ever ask for. and don't tell anyone else i said that, it's embarrassing."

she laughed and kissed his forehead, going through his hair with her hand once, "i can't promise i won't tell your dad," she looked back at them, "and, shane, if... if ilya needs a mom for something, a motherly advice, tell him that my heart has enough space for one more son."

shane couldn't believe what he was hearing and seeing. how come he didn't realize he was surrounded by so much love before? that everything could've been so much easier, and he wouldn't need to worry at all? 

his eyes got glassy at his mother's words, not letting the tears get out, he just gave her a sad smile and a small "thank you."

ilya skated up to him and grabbed his shoulders from the back, "why are you sad? everything's alright."

shane looked back at him, guilt in his eyes again, mixed with the tears that were still waiting to be cried. "that's exactly why."

ilya pulled him into a hug and kissed the top of his head, "you'll have to get used to things being okay. it's not always gonna be chaotic."

shane chuckled and looked up at him, with already drying tears on his cheeks, "i really doubt that you won't bring chaos with you everywhere you go. and you know i'll follow you wherever."

ilya looked like he was gonna cry too for a second, but he turned it into a joke, "you sadly won't be able to follow me to the podium as i give my valedictorian speech."

"we'll see about that," yuna had to butt in once that was mentioned. 

david just stood in the back, observing their interactions, seeing the small signs of love he noticed between him and yuna, but now between his son and his boyfriend.

yuna took the spotlight by doing some spins and easy jumps on ice, showing that she had a little bit of figure skating experience, surprising even shane. 

"mom, why didn't i know about this before?"

"you never asked," she winked and skated away. and if this was filmed and happened in 2025, someone on tiktok would've made a pretty badass edit of it.

once they were tired from skating, yuna offered to take them to her favorite cafe and brunch spot.

they couldn't say no. david held shane back, to walk behind yuna and ilya, letting the two of them talk more and also getting to share his impressions with shane.

"he's surprisingly friendly, but also good at throwing chirps and unafraid to do it, even at me," he blew air out of his nose in amusement.

"he's already too comfortable with you, i'm honestly afraid of what he's gonna do next," shane shook his head, thinking about the things he predicted before.

"don't you trust him?"

"i do, it's not that. he'll probably be amusing to you two, but a headache for me."

"but you're not complaining," david said knowingly, able to read his son well enough.

"i'm not. he's never boring."

they looked around the snow-covered ottawa, enjoying the view on their walk towards the place david parked his suv. 

"he's really gentle with you. seems to be really good at calming you," david continued with his observations.

"dad, okay, enough analysing. i'm really happy both of you seem to like him, but it still feels a little weird to me... you seeing this."

"we've waited long enough for you to realize you liked boys, we might as well enjoy it now that it happened."

"dad, oh my god..." shane wanted to bury himself in the snow and never leave, maybe he'd want to drag ilya in too. "you can't just tell me that you knew all along..."

"but when you think about it, it was kind of obvious, you never-" david tried to continue, but shane looked at him with a look that says 'enough,' and he stopped. 

yuna was great with keeping up with the speed of ilya's gay walk. to someone who didn't know them, they would've already looked like mother and son. adopted son. he looked nothing like her.

"so what are your intentions wirh my boy?" she asked playfully, but with undertones of seriousness.

"completely pure. get married, have kids, cats, and dogs. support him with whatever he wants to do and loves. earn enough for both of us so he can be a stay-at-home mom if he wants..." ilya took the question just as it was asked, half-seriously. 

she was amused, "he can't sit still, definitely won't be a stay-at-home mom. and i really think my shane could earn more than whatever you can by being a hockey coach, but you're welcome to prove me wrong."

"you're underestimating me, yuna. or you're just really hopeful for your son's future, which is realistic; he's ambitious and good at everything he does. so you might be right, i want him to prove me wrong."

"you're really in love with my son, huh?"

"yes ma'am. and i think that's not going away for a long, long time, maybe never. which is bad for you if you don't like me..."

"you know i do, you just wanted me to admit it out loud," she shook her head with a smile.

"maybe i did..." he smiled and looked up, soaking up the sunshine, letting himself enjoy this.

when they got to the car, ilya finally got the chance to be close to shane, sitting next to him in the backseat. he interlocked their fingers and looked forward, buzzing with excitement. 

shane was liking this new side of him; he was like a little kid. but then he got sad thinking about it, he was probably compensating for his lost childhood, enjoying this new chance. he was thankful it could at least be with his family, whom he trusted with ilya.

yuna gave the directions to the place she wanted to visit and they arrived pretty quickly, which made shane sad to leave the warm backseat and ilya's side.

but he didn't have to leave ilya's side. they just changed locations. from car seats to the cafe booth.

shane was paranoid as they walked in, seeing a couple of families already there. but they had a cover, could say that ilya was a close friend and had no family there to celebrate with, and it mostly wouldn't even be a lie.

yuna ordered for all of them after ilya said that he didn't have many preferences and that he'd like to try whatever her favorite was. he was slowly becoming the more liked son.

they questioned ilya about his school experiences, what university he would want to get into, what it was like to study in canada as a russian immigrant... everything but mentioning family.

and ilya was talkative, excited to tell someone even some trivial stories, something he never even mentioned to shane. shane found himself being jealous of his own parents. that was ridiculous.

ilya seemed relaxed, holding shane's hand under the table, providing him comfort since he was the one who needed it more. he appreciated it greatly.

once yuna went through some of her favorite high school anecdotes and david talked about his hockey career, they finished their meals and drinks and asked ilya if there was something he wanted to do before heading to the house.

"i don't think there's much we can do in public without raising suspicion. and shane isn't ready to be out yet, so i don't think so, no."

both yuna and david looked at them sadly, knowing that it was much easier for them to love each other in public. 

"but don't worry, i like cozy home activities too," he grabbed shane's thigh under the table. shane was about to make a happy expression before he felt ilya's hand. he closed his eyes and braced himself not to hit him, settling for pinching his hand.

they drove back to the house, the one ilya was already familiar with from the outside. he finally got to step inside, right beside his boyfriend.

"weren't you here with hayden and jackie that day? i think i remember seeing your curls in the car, but hayden told me not to mention it to shane," yuna brought it up.

shane wanted to die in that moment. he did not want to remember that, to remember how shitty he was to the boy who loved him more than anything else. but ilya interrupted his thoughts.

"yeah, i wasn't supposed to, but he never texted that he got back home from studying, so, naturally, i worried," ilya tried to soften it, "we were both bad at being honest and communicating our feelings then, so it got a little complicated."

"hmm... that tells me to stop asking questions about it. but you've talked it out, i suppose, so i have nothing to worry about, right?" 

"yes, at this point i can sometimes even read his thoughts. by the time we hit the one-year mark we'll just communicate telepathically," ilya wrapped an arm around shane, looking at him for confirmation.

he was still getting used to it, he tensed at the physical contact, but then remembered they weren't in public anymore. "i doubt you'll ever be fully predictable."

"you're already rubbing off on me, i might become boring."

yuna was pleasantly surprised. even when they were throwing insults, they seemed close, comfortable with each other. shane usually looked absent during conversations, but this time he was aware of everything and fully engaging. he needed more time to get used to the fact that he was gay and that it was completely fine, but she knew ilya would help. her son was in good hands; that much was obvious.

"shane, go show him your room, i still have some food to prepare. maybe we could eat what we made for lunch and then make something sweet for dinner, an exception for a holiday, seems appropriate," she gestured towards shane's room with her head, letting them have some time alone to reset if needed.

"i don't know if i can, mom. i can't just start making exceptions, if i do, then every day will become an exception..." shane worried about his diet.

"what if i made some blini? those are like a russian version of pancakes. only if you trust me with the kitchen, of course," ilya offered, knowing that shane wouldn't resist a meal made by him. 

"no, that's a great idea, i doubt you could blow the kitchen up while making pancakes. but you're still our guest today, would i be a bad host if i let you do any work?" yuna was excited to try something made by ilya, trusting him enough already.

"no, it would be an honor, yuna, really." he had the biggest smile on his face and it seemed to push all of shane's worries away, "maybe shane could help me find my way around the kitchen, be my assistant."

"i think you're more trustworthy in the kitchen than shane, he once cut his finger on a noodle pack," david wanted to embarrass him a bit, but also get him to relax more.

"dad, that was ages ago, please..."

ilya couldn't help but laugh, grabbing shane's hand and looking at his fingers, "which one? let me kiss it better, even though it's healed now."

shane looked annoyed but he still showed ilya exactly where the cut was and he did kiss the spot.

"okay, you're free, go do whatever you want until it's time for lunch, i'll call you when it's time. okay, maybe not whatever you want, don't lock the doors."

"mom," shane facepalmed and pushed ilya towards his room, closing the door after them.

"god, they can be so embarrassing..."

"no, it's normal. i can't wait to ask them to show me your baby photos," ilya pulled shane closer and kissed him gently.

"they're not digging for photo albums until your third visit, at least," shane pouted, placing his hands above ilya's hips.

"sounds like... you're begging for a bet. let's make it a competition, if they show me the albums today, i win," he caressed his cheek with his cold hand.

"you win what?"

"you want me to say i already won because i have you. and while that is right, i still want a reward if i win the bet... bring your parents to cheer for me if i ever go back to playing hockey." ilya settled for that, even though he could've asked for literally anything.

shane paused what he was doing, he looked up into his eyes with a sad look, "but they would do that even without a bet, they already love you."

"are you saying that because you feel sorry for me? my dad is still alive... and alina, the legal guardian, she's nice and professional, lets me stay here, doesn't rat me out to my dad," ilya tried to say the positive things.

"but you haven't felt parental love since your mother. i know my parents could never replace her, but i can guarantee they'll do their best to support you and be there for you, they know how big it is for me to bring someone home. and you've seen how they treat you, they're glad i found someone who loves me, but they also like you for you, my mom is really hard to impress." shane sat on his bed, pulling ilya to sit next to him. 

"they're almost too nice... i can see how you turned out like this, you grew up with so much love around you," ilya sighed, putting his head on shane's lap and curled up next to him, taking up as little space as possible.

"it was taken from you way too soon. i'm trying my best to make up for all the time you were alone, even though i know it's not all my fault. but it's not yours either. you've spent so much time in survival mode, it's so nice to see you relax here," shane put one hand on ilya's arm and the other in his hair, untangling his curls.

"she would have loved you... just like i love you," ilya looked up with teary eyes.

shane let out a shaky breath, barely controlling himself. he didn't want to move, so he kissed the tip of his finger and pressed it against ilya's lips, finger lingering there. ilya stuck out his tongue a bit beween his grinning teeth. 

shane pretended to be appalled, wiping his now wet finger on ilya's nose, "you're such a kid."

"i'm just preparing you for our future kid who's gonna be my little twin," he sat up, pushing shane down with his body. 

"i don't want to be pregnant anytime soon, is that how you want to get rid of your opponents?"

"i don't think male biology could allow it either way, mr. opponent," he pecked shane's lips.

"where's your imagination?" he rolled his eyes and spread himself all over the bed. 

ilya took the chance to try to tickle him, but there was no reaction, "ah... not fair. too bad i can't do anything that will surely get you to react here..." he gave up on bothering him, standing up and looking around the room, meeting the past versions of shane through his possessions that were all over the room.

he found a family picture from when shane looked around six, just before school. his smile was missing a couple of front teeth, but the freckles proved it was unmistakably him. ilya stared at it, analysing every bit, "i found the preview of what they're gonna show me tonight."

"you still have to name your reward in case you win the bet, something you won't be getting otherwise.  if i win, i want you to... hmmm... it's hard to think of something you wouldn't just do if i asked."

'fuck, he's aware of his power,' ilya thought, not bothered by it at all. "turns out i'm the obedient puppy, contrary to popular belief."

"oh my god, not that, don't remind me," shane stood up and came up behind ilya, dropping his head on his shoulder.

"it's just funny now, i haven't been mad at you in a long time, who could stay mad at this face?" he pointed at the little shane on the picture.

shane seemed a bit hesitant before asking what's on his mind, "do you have any pictures of yourself as a kid, here in canada?"

ilya took a bit longer to answer and his face went from a serious expression to something hopeful, until he finally smiled, looking at shane like he just won the lottery, "actually, i do. even better, i have some of me with my mom, i completely forgot about them," he looked like he was going to cry again, but this time from happiness, "i still have something left from her."

they spent the rest of the time before lunch just browsing shane's old things he forgot he had in his room. ilya analyzed the evolution of his handwriting, teased him for having a custom hollander centaurs jersey, saying that he might make it real if he takes his last name in the future.

yuna knocked on the door as they sat on the floor, going through shane's old toys. ilya insisted on telling him everything he knew about each car he had a miniature of. they almost didn't hear the knock.

they both got up and out of the room, following yuna to the table, sitting next to each other and across from shane's parents. like a double date. ew no.

like family.

they seemed to function well together, even without words. ilya couldn't slow himself down once he tasted the pasta. david talked about something that happened at work, just like at any other family meal, wanting to make ilya feel even more included. 

"ilya, what's your experience with being openly gay here? both at school and in general," yuna asked, hoping for a positive answer that would encourage shane to come out at some point, she felt terrible that he had to be so paranoid all the time and lie to people.

"it was intense at first, kids love teasing you for the one thing they think they know about you, but it died down when i just gave them no reaction to work with. they went back to speculating about me being in russian mafia, which was more funny to hear. i was positively surprised by the support i got, especially from kids that didn't want to be out yet but came out to me. we have one gay teacher who offered support right away. rose's uncle. shane's rose. umm... not anymore."

"are you friends with scott hunter? i heard he got in trouble because he was defending gay people in class."

"i wouldn't say friends... but he can be alright, for an ancient guy. he had problems with mr. brandy, but you probably know how that ended," ilya saw shane tapping his foot nervously under the table so he moved his own foot next to his, tapping it lightly as if he were saying, 'it's alright, i'm here with you.'

"oh, yes, shane mentioned that you initiated that and went to the vp's office with him to talk and then witenessed his downfall. it was really brave of you to finally do something about that sorry excuse of a guy and you motivated everyone else to follow you."

"he was doomed from the start, just couldn't stop the waterfalls of shit from his mouth," ilya was honest, but quickly realized it might have been too much, so he shut his mouth and glanced at shane with eyes wide open, apologizing telepathically.

shane's jaw fell to the floor. he was expecting ilya to do something impulsive, but this was... this was something that made both of his parents start crying from laughter? 

yuna grabbed ilya's hand that was resting on the table and looked into his eyes, cheeks still red from laughing, "i really love how you have absolutely no filter. and the delivery, oh my goodness..." she looked at shane, "honey, please bring him home more often."

david nodded in agreement, visibly enjoying ilya's presence. 

shane was confused. he spent his whole life being their perfect boy, well-mannered, polite. and now they were enthralled by ilya, someone who was, well, not the complete opposite, but also nowhere near the way shane was raised. he was a wildcard in every sense and situation, never controlled by the people around him, but by his own will. and his parents, the ones who were so focused on setting him on the right path, now also liked that? 

his thoughts ran in many different directions, imagining himself being like ilya. what reactions he would have gotten from them as a child? would they be as accepting if it were their own son? but the answer was obvious, they would have loved him the same no matter how he turned out. and turning out like ilya was definitely not a bad thing, in fact, he envied his freedom, his fluidity, his bravery and authenticness. but nothing was stopping shane from being like that. other than himself. he was the strict parent to himself. he put himself in those boxes, letting the outside influence shape his views way too much. yuna and david were never to blame. 

the realization hit him hard. he wasn't listening to the conversations anymore. he wasn't eating anymore. he wasn't even tapping his foot anymore. he just stared at the spoon ilya wasn't using, being somewhere distant in his mind.

he could've had a completely different childhood and life if he just let himself be more free, if he cared less about others' opinions. but it was easier said than done.

ilya snapped him out, his voice seemed like a faraway cry in a dream first, getting closer and more real the more he repeated and the softer his voice got. "shane, no one's chasing you, we're good here? you have your parents here, and your boyfriend... we're good. would you like to rest for a bit? maybe talk?"

he felt a pair of gentle hands reach out for his and squeeze them, and only after ilya's words he realized that he was hyperventilating the whole time. he looked at ilya like he would solve all of his problems, pleading for help to get away from his thoughts. ilya planted a careful, chaste kiss on his lips, bringing him back.

he let his head fall a bit towards ilya's under the weight of his troubles, whispering, because he couldn't let a normal sound out, "yes, i need to get away. outside. backyard."

yuna and david visibly worried, but they calmed seeing how quickly ilya could get through to him. he was in good hands. he didn't need to be babied anymore by his parents.

ilya followed his gut all the time. it never led him astray. sometimes it got him frustrated, angry, too emotional, but it was always right, even when he felt the need to fight it. this time it got him to calm shane down perfectly. he somehow found his favorite spot in the backyard, right by the flowers he grew there by himself when he was just a toddler, but ilya knew none of that yet. 

they both sat on the grass with ilya's arm wrapped around shane lightly, not pressing, not surrounding him. he knew to wait, not to overwhelm shane with questions yet. to let him come to his senses first and share what he wanted to. 

"i'm so sorry, there were some heavy thoughts, one after another, and i kept drowning in them. they were laughing at me for being so helpless," shane grounded himself by grabbing ilya's knee, feeling the familiar skin with his fingertips.

"but you can swim, right? you only drown if you stop swimming. just keep swimming. like in finding nemo. but you're tired of swimming, right?" he repeated the word so much it stopped feeling like a real word.

he would've gotten negative points on an essay for that, shane thought. his head felt lighter. and then he registered the nemo reference. he let out a small giggle before suddenly breaking down in tears, "i am really tired of swimming, ilya. and it's me who put myself in this situation."

ilya reacted quickly to the tears, his heart broke a little more each time he saw them on that beautiful face. he pulled shane closer, offering his body and the clothes on it to soak up the tears. he was still gentle, trying his best not to make shane feel cornered. "floaties can do the work for you, keep you afloat and carry the weight, at least for a bit. i can be your floaties," he tried to make the metaphor sound serious, but the combination of the already unserious word and his accent made shane crack a smile mid-cry. 

"you're helping already, a lot. but sometimes i can't help but feel inferior in your presence, like i'm uninteresting, too stiff, too awkward, not likable enough. and it makes me jealous, and i hate that. i hate feeling any negative emotions towards you. this brain of mine keeps ruining everything good i have in life. i want to be able to do things on my own and be proud of myself. but nothing ever seems to be enough," he was done overthinking every word, he just spit out everything he felt in the moment, hoping ilya would understand, "i've been fighting something for as long as i can remember, something was always after me. and i only now realized that i've been fighting myself this whole time."

ilya was already aware of this. but he knew how hard it was to come to a conclusion like that on your own. 

he always wanted to be envied, to be the goal, the ideal others could never reach. he wanted people to compare themselves to him and know that he's above them. but not like this. not the only person he ever looked up to aside from his mother. he knew shane was a lot of things he could never be. and he found security in that, the balance he desperately needed. he never saw their differences as something comparable. they were both aces but of different suits. 

"but, shane, you've been on your own for way too long. i know you're surrounded by lovely people, but it doesn't help you feel less lonely," he looked back at the house, offering the hollanders a small smile to let them know he had it all under control, and looking back at shane. "you have a lot to be proud of, i'm proud of you for so many things. for actively working on yourself, trying, pushing to be better for yourself and the people around you. and everything that makes you the way you are—i fell in love with that. you're not below me, you know i would never settle. that's why i never dated seriously before you. nobody else met my standards and caught my eye as you did. i've never been in love with anyone else, shane."

shane had a hard time believing, even though he trusted ilya and knew he wouldn't be lying in situations like this. he let out a small 'me neither,' before letting him continue.

"most people don't deserve having you care about their opinions, being likeable to them. i know you understand it's irrational, you say you don't want to be this way and would rather be like me. you do stand out next to me. not in a bad way, but we're contrasted to a point where we just amplify each other's shine. confidence is fixable, i'm still mostly faking it, just like you, even though we have so many reasons to be more confident." ilya was tired. not tired of helping shane, but tired of the english language, saying everything that pops out in his head that might be something shane needs to hear, but losing parts of it in translation. but he knew that his shane would understand him.

"you're spending too much time inside your head, you're starting to lose sight of what's important. go over all of this with your therapist and i'm sure his outsider point of view will be useful. and talk to me, of course. we can both help in different ways, because you're aware enough to ask for help. again, i'm so proud of you for it," he left another kiss on his forehead, brushing the few strands of hair that fell on it away, knowing it must be a sensory nightmare for him.

"you're being too patient with me... what if i'm unfixable? if i stay like this, unsatisfied with everything i do because the closer i get to something, the further away i'm gonna push my standards, chasing them forever and never reaching them," shane played with ilya's fingers as a distraction.

"but we all do that, striving for perfection. it will never be exactly what you want, but there's no one perfect outcome for every situation. you might realize you're happy with reality, even if it's different from what you imagined, only if you stop comparing them," ilya seemed to remember something, "there's something i need to give you the next time you're at my place. remind me, yeah?"

"okay," he replied, definitely not going over every possible option in his head. definitely not.

once they spent enough time touching grass, they went back inside and saw david and yuna cuddled up on the couch, watching a guilty pleasure crime show on tv. 

"honey, is everything alright?" yuna asked even though she saw that shane looked way better.

"it will be, i believe," he glanced back at ilya with a small hopeful smile. 

it was more than enough confirmation for her. she'd never seen her son like this, it was evident that ilya had a good influence on him.

"ilya, dear, you can sleep here if you want. david can drive you both to school tomorrow on his way to work."

shane's discomfort disappeared. he didn't notice it right away, but his calmness after his mom's offer said more than words. good things were easy to get used to, who would've thought?

ilya looked at shane, searching for his consent too and getting it. he accepted to stay and settled down on the sofa next to the couch, trying to catch what's going on in the show. 

he almost forgot about the bet. but a scene on tv reminded him, there was a family picture on the detective's desk.

"so, yuna," he already turned his charm on, shane did not like where this was going one bit, "we all know how handsome shane is right now, don't we? but how about when he first got his glasses? he must have looked ridiculous, no?"

and yuna chomped on that bait real hard. "oh, you couldn't be more wrong, he was the cutest," she excitedly got up from her seat and headed to the bedroom with a mission. 

shane couldn't believe it was that easy for him. "not fair, we haven't even named the rewards," he mouthed to ilya, not wanting his dad to know about the bet.

"i'm just that good," ilya returned in the same manner, shrugging.

david's gaze moved towards them for a second, but he decided to leave them to it, returning his attention to the episode's culmination.

yuna returned with so many photo albums that it looked like they grew legs and arms and got back to the living room on their own. she gestured for them to sit on the floor where she put them down, organizing them chronologically.

ilya never looked so hyped. shane sat down next to him, anticipating more embarrassment. 

yuna started telling stories about every other picture, and they listened like it was a kindergarten bedtime story. shane heard all of that a million times before, but it was different now, knowing that ilya was also listening.

right after david's show was done, he turned off the tv and watched them from the couch, remembering everything she mentioned.

"...and this is from his first boxing match, the other kid was twice his size, and he still managed to knock his tooth out."

ilya looked back at shane as if it was something scandalous, "hollander, you never mentioned that, i would've kept that tooth as a trophy. actually... that did happen..."

"the rumor. the one that you punched half of a guy's teeth out. that's true?" shane jumped in.

"whoever worded it like that was being dramatic, the guy had only four teeth to begin with," and yuna was immediately heard holding back a giggle.

"it was some creep, he was harassing svetlana, and i was used to throwing hands on ice, so i didn't have to think twice," ilya smiled, "would do it again."

they continued with the little shane stories and pictures until shane's stomach announced that it needed food again.

ilya immediately took that as a sign that it's time to make blini. "still trust me with the kitchen?" he wanted to confirm.

david gave him a thumbs up, crouching back to see the photos better.

while ilya was working his magic, the hollanders had a moment to themselves for the first time that day.

it was time for compliments. the ones they didn't want ilya to hear and get even more conceited. 

"honestly, i was a little scared when you said that it's rozanov you're dating, because words about him even reached me and i barely interact with other parents or teachers or kids, but... seeing him with you today... it makes sense. you naturally understand each other better than anyone else," david finally spoke. 

"yes, exactly. you've needed a connection like this for a long time, but nobody else could match you. having different personalities and reasons for the ambitions just makes you fit even better, you seem to bring out the best in each other," yuna added.

and shane was back to being slightly uncomfortable. closeness and openness of his family was familiar, but the topic was new. 

"i hope it's not just for show, but there's no reason it would be. you look so happy with him," yuna pulled him in a sideways hug, "i'm proud of you for doing something for yourself for once. make a habit out of it."

"i'll try," was all he managed to say. it couldn't have gone better. the only people in his life whose opinion actually mattered knew now. and they liked him. well, not hayden, yet. 

---

so ilya's visits became a tradition. there weren't so many holidays, but now they had options for where to go after school. it depended on the type of hunger that prevailed.

hollanders were always happy to see him and see how their son was slowly getting happier and relaxing. yuna was excited to hear that ilya was going back to hockey, as a coach first, but she had ideas for more. 

the gift ilya promised shane was a picture of him and his mother, from when he was around eight, when she still had a smile on her face occasionally. he told him he wanted him to have it, for protection, so irina would guard him from above too. he had another one for himself. shane treated the picture like his own pocket mona lisa.

he got interested in kinesiology as he watched ilya's moves on ice. he thought about potentially becoming a physical therapist after hearing about their miracles from ilya's stories.

the rivalry at school continued, they had chemistry and psychology together, but they slowly started interacting more, getting people used to seeing them together, as friends. competitive friends. 

ilya introduced shane to svetlana, formally. she couldn't stop spilling embarrassing stories about him, so shane also sort of got his 'baby pictures' moment.  

the news about ilya being outed got to his father in russia, a few months later. alina was good at keeping secrets, but there was only so much she could control.

she was the director of european player relations in the nhl, getting the position with a lot of hard work and even more connections. when ilya's father, also her long-time family friend, found out that his son wanted to play hockey in canada, he made her his legal guardian. it took months of begging, but he gave in, under the condition that she informs him about everything important. she did, while it was russia-friendly. but when the scandal happened, she unexpectedly did everything to protect ilya. from making up injuries for him to cover what happened, to giving him money to send his brother to avoid suspicion. 

but she wasn't a mother. nowhere near it. she didn't want a teenager at her home and ilya didn't want to live with his father's informant, so they agreed to live in separate places, both under her name. the only time she took her role more seriously was for parent council at school. she loved the chaos and drama of it, so she couldn't stay away. and it would keep people from asking questions. 

needless to say that ilya's dad, a russian cop, was horrified at the news about ilya. and he didn't trust alina anymore. so he wanted his son back home for damage control, or maybe a punishment. going back to russia would surely be a punishment by itself for him. just a couple of months before he'd be of legal age and able to decide for himself.

yuna was furious. just when she got another wonderful son, his biological father wanted to take him away. she managed to pressure alina into getting him a lawyer experienced with similar situations. turns out she could get through to her if she was determined enough. 

shane was terrified. he was thinking more and more about coming out to more close people, but the whole urgent situation with ilya delayed it. his concentration dropped, but luckily, most teachers let them have it easy by then, since it was the last semester of high school.

each time the two of them were together, shane held ilya close tighter than before, scared that it could be the last time, even though he rationally knew that canadian child protection services would keep him safe until he turns 18 and is 'free'.

alina and yuna were a surprisingly good team, even though alina was mostly there out of guilt and protecting herself. maybe also because she thrived in stressful situations and loved being presented with new problems. a weird woman.

ilya was also terrified, but good at not showing it. he finally had a happy life somewhere far away from his living relatives and it was close to being just a dream, just a preview of a life he couldn't have. 

it did feel like a fever dream. ilya kept forgetting things, hallucinating, having trouble falling asleep... he thought it was his father's dementia coming for him, but the school psychologist confirmed it was just extensive stress, not being able to help more than that.

the legal team was working overtime, the whole legal system of the country was working in his favor. he grew to love canada even more. they were really serious about keeping the kids safe between their borders, especially in such extreme cases. 

fate solved the situation abruptly.

death. 

grigori rozanov. dead at 68. natural causes.

but the case wasn't over yet. 

ilya had conflicted feelings. he didn't love the man. the last thing he did in life was try to hurt him. but he felt guilty. thought that the legal battle shortened his life. that he led him to an early grave. 

maybe it would've been better if he forgot he had a son at all, if dementia cleared his memory before death came to take him. his last memory of ilya, although forgotten, would have been more positive—'my lazy son'. instead it was this bullshit... 

yuna never wished death upon someone. not even now, before it did happen. but she couldn't hide being happy about it. there were no more active threats to ilya's safety.

shane could finally breathe again. he wasn't thinking about the man at all, just his ilya. his ilya being safe again. still in canada. still next to him. everything else was less relevant.

"if there's afterlife... do you think my mom and dad are together there now? would she be mad at him for how he treated me?" ilya said in the middle of the night, thinking that shane was asleep next to him, just wanting to get his thoughts out there.

"i think she definitely would be, just like my mom was, if not worse," shane replied, still half-asleep.

ilya flinched a bit at his words, not at what he said but because he didn't expect a reply. "you should sleep, we need to get up for school in two hours."

"mmm... no, i won't let you be awake alone. and you said that in english, so a part of you was hoping i could hear. if it were in russian, i'd know you were just wanting to say it out loud. but yes, i'm sure she'd defend you. and they wouldn't stay in contact there for a long time, she wouldn't be able to stand him so she'd leave or make him leave. however the space works in the afterlife, i can't even imagine," his voice was deep and eyes barely open, but he let every thought he had leave his lips, trying to get ilya's mind to rest. 

"yeah... she wouldn't want to be with him there, you're right..."

"and i know you feel bad about his death, but think about it. if your mom would've pushed him away immediately in the afterlife, then he's not worth staying for longer in your thoughts. he did one good thing—made you, and i'm grateful for that, but it's good that he's gone now, he was only hurting people by the end of his life."

"yes and he hurt her a lot while she was still here. he doesn't deserve my sympathy, i know i'm being irrational."

"you just have a big heart. you're probably making yourself think about the good things he did because you feel like you're supposed to miss him. but it's okay if you don't, if you feel lighter now, if you're happy that he's not gonna cause more problems for you and everyone else," shane dragged his finger over ilya's chest.

"but he's still gonna haunt me through the genes i got from him. he can still ruin me by passing on his sickness. he can make me forget you. forget i was ever happy..."

"ilya, you're thinking too far in the future. your brain is incredible, you're doing everything you can to prevent what happened to him, i know it can still come, but you're not gonna beat it by worrying ahead. even if you do start forgetting things, i'll be there to remind you of everything. even if your brain forgets, there will be other parts of you that will remember. i'm sure we'll get through that just fine if it does happen. but i don't think it will. his genes were inferior; you got everything from your mother," he cupped his cheek, staring into the eyes that matched his mother's.

"i really hope i did. and that she's living through me now. getting a second chance at life and being happy in this one. i mean... i do get sad sometimes, i feel empty, like everything's meanigless... but i'm often reminded that it's not," he returned the stare in a way that let shane know he's responsible for that, for reminding him.

"please, try to sleep now. irina wouldn't want you to lose sleep thinking about that man."

"she used to help me fall asleep when i had a lot on my mind... she sang to me. some russian lullabies. it's silly, but i sometimes imagine her singing them to me again to fall asleep faster," ilya chuckled, "i'm definitely gonna regret telling you this in the morning..."

"no, you won't, idiot. i will not make fun of you for that," shane kissed him and stayed closer like that, their noses touching, "i can try to learn it if you want... something she used to sing to you."

"but you don't speak russian."

"i could hum the melody until i learn the words. and i will learn in no time, i'm good with languages, and i believe you'd be a good teacher."

"yeah, you're good with your tongue," ilya smiled, "but... yes, sure. you could learn. maybe it would help, you also have a sweet voice. but i never heard you sing, you might be awful and ruin it," he said jokingly.

"i've been in singing competitions as a kid and won awards. try me."

of course he did. ilya forgot who he was dealing with for a bit. 

so ilya looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember the songs. once he thought he got it he nodded to himself and turned to shane, closing his eyes and singing it from memory. it wasn't perfect, but he got most of it right, enough for shane to be able to look it up later as study material. 

but for this night, it was enough for him to memorize the first thirty seconds and repeat the melody, getting ilya to fall asleep immediately, with a big smile on his face. 

---

after ilya turned 18 and the case was over, ruled in his favor, he finally knew he could stay in canada for as long as he wanted. yuna told him he could marry her son if there were any problems with citizenship later, but shane complained, saying it was his decision, not hers, that she couldn't just give him away like that. but he did want to get married at some point, of course. his reason was better.

the last semester classes felt suspiciously easy, even the university prep ones. shane was juggling both a regular school schedule and multiple competitions. he even tutored younger kids occasionally, wanting to earn his own money. 

ilya was incredible with kids. he was by far their favorite coach. the advantage of being young and having the lessons still fresh in his head helped a lot, but not as much as his humor and creativeness. he always found a new way to make kids more enthusiastic and eager to learn from him. shane definitely got baby fever from watching him, but knew that wouldn't be happening for a long time and that there were so many things they needed to discuss beforehand, logistically.

rose finally managed to get shane to introduce ilya to her properly. they were very different, but occasionally laughed at same jokes, so ilya thought of her as 'tolerable.' she was a good friend to shane and also mr. landry's niece, so he wanted to be on good terms with her. 

svetlana started being more secretive, postponing hangouts with ilya without a good excuse. she seemed happier every time he saw her, so he didn't want to pry.

both shane and ilya got informed that they were in consideration for valedictorian. but ilya got the message days before, causing shane to enter the panic mode and overthink about everything he did that year, thinking about what could've possibly gotten him out of the top 3. 

he jerked awake in the middle of the night, a day after ilya got his message, saying, "oh my god, it must've been that history grade. the 88. it wasn't corrected after mr. brandy was kicked out because it was graded fairly. i did flop that one," he was sitting on the bed, sweating.

ilya looked up at him and put his hand over shane's thigh, "that's definitely not enough for them to just take you out of consideration, every other grade you ever had was above 90, most even above 95, and you're doing more than anyone else academically. they might be playing mind games... or someone racist was in charge of choosing. i really don't see other explaination. we'll ask them at school, on monday, just go sleep now, please."

"but, ilya, i can't. i tried so hard all these years. and they're not even letting me compete. i'm not even being considered. i close my eyes and see mr. brandy with an 88-shaped body, chasing me with a weapon, i know it sounds crazy, it's even crazier, believe me, but it's horrifying in my dreams, i can't get away from him."

ilya rubbed his eyes until he was fully awake. he sat up, his body pressed against shane's. "then i need to put something positive on your mind to dream about until we get the answer that it was someone's mistake," he let his hands roam over shane's body. 

so he did manage to lead his thoughts somewhere else. shane stopped thinking about teachers in the middle of the night. 

ilya went into the vp's office the first thing that monday. he asked about it and the woman laughed a bit, amused at how worried he was, "of course he's being considered, that's our golden boy. i'm sorry if it created a misunderstanding or caused him to worry; that wasn't the plan at all. we just wanted to inform you early because of your recent family and immigration issues, to ease your mind about at least one thing."

he felt the weight drop off his shoulders, he sighed and nodded, "yeah, that makes sense, thank you so much. it's just... he's been so worried about this ever since i got my message, he's been thinking that he's not good enough... thank you, i can't wait to tell him."

"i really hope this doesn't mean you're going to refuse being a contender, you've also worked really hard for this. but it is really nice to see you care so much about him, under all that rivalry the situation put you in. it's wonderful to see that you're friends and don't hate each other because of the competition."

ilya grinned, "no i'm definitely not letting him win the easy way this time, he deserves competition. it will make the victory sweeter."

the vp was happy with the answer, she told him to leave so he won't be late for class, but that she was glad he came. 

he was still late to lab. he knocked on the open door and didn't wait for the answer before coming in, knowing that the teacher tolerated being late and wouldn't say anything. 

"i come bearing news!" he said excitedly, "but for shane hollander's ears only," he said with an even bigger smile, leaning to rest his head on shane's shoulder as he was trying to build a battery. 

the rest of the class didn't find it weird; they were used to those two being close by then. hayden rolled his eyes, thinking that this was some sick public foreplay and that they had gone too far.

shane stayed calm, focusing on the task he had for class. when he finished the step he was on, he turned around towards ilya, whispering, "what is it?"

ilya looked at the teacher and asked to let the two of them have a short talk about something important and time-sensitive in front of the classroom, he promised they'd be quick. the teacher let them, knowing that they were incredible in his class and didn't need to prove themselves further. 

"so what is so important that it couldn't wait? and why are you late, i know you woke up on time, i called you this morning," shane said as they left the classroom and headed towards the closest bench. 

"i kind of barged into the vp's office again... oops..." he had to tease him for a bit more.

"what?"

"about the valedictorian thing, you not getting your message. i had to ask her."

"not her... you should've gone to the guidance counselor. no, i should've. it's not your problem, it's mine."

"it's mine too. it would be boring competing against someone who's not you... but yeah, i talked to her about it, she said that there's no reason for you to worry about it, you will be getting the message very soon. they just wanted to tell me ahead because of my recent family problems, to let me have some good news in the middle of it."

"oh... that, yeah, that does make sense, i didn't think about it that way..."

"that's what i said, too. she also called you, and i quote: 'our golden boy.' so, you definitely don't have anything to worry about," he considered not telling shane about that because he didn't want him to get cocky, but he deserved to know after all the stress he went through.

shane's worries disappeared. he was still in the run and he was there with ilya. against him, but still, side by side. 

when he finally got the message, he showed yuna the mail, just like he used to show her the terrible drawings she'd stick to the fridge when he was little. she was so proud of her boy. of both of her boys, she also celebrated ilya and his successes now.

"i couldn't have asked for better sons, and please know that i'd still be saying that if you had worse grades, even if you were the worst two in class, but you're not."

ilya was really thankful for all the love he got from the hollanders, all of them. he thought that his mom sent them his way and thanked her every night for it. shane already knew enough russian to understand what he was saying and he tried hard not to react to it, not wanting to blow his cover. he wanted to surprise ilya with his knowledge later, he convinced him that he only learned the lullaby by then.

when it was time to submit their sample speeches they both wrote something school-friendly, knowing that they'd change the final version to something that mentioned the other one. they both unknowingly thought about the same thing.

on the graduation day's morning, ilya was woken up by the sound of his intercom. shane was already up, having a hard time deciding what tie to wear. he narrowed it down to his favorite five when he packed the things he brought to ilya's place, left the final decision for that day. ilya kissed shane quickly before getting up and letting whoever is trying to enter his building in. he wanted to be surprised, hopefully not by a murderer or a burglar.

once he heard the familiar knock pattern on his door, he knew it was svetlana. he opened without checking through the peephole.

she wasn't alone. she was with... rose? rose landry?

and they were holding hands. 

ilya was too sleepy for that. too sleepy to ask questions right away. so he let them both inside. 

"surprise! ilya, look," svetlana said as both rose and her raised their hands in front of him, showing matching rings on their index fingers.

ilya forgot to question anything else; he only had the impulse to correct them. "isn't that the wrong finger?"

"it's promise rings, engagement rings, however you want to call them," rose said with a huge smile on her face.

shane's head popped out of the bedroom, hearing rose's voice, thinking he was hallucinating.

"oh, hi shane! look, we're engaged, i'm sorry i didn't tell you anything before, we didn't want anyone to know yet," rose said as she spotted him.

ilya took too long to register it, but looking from their hands to their happy faces and back five times seemed to help. it hit him like a splash of cold water in the face. 

"fucking lesbians... you had to do it before us..." he said under his breath, still not sure how to react.

they both laughed at that, sitting down on the couch. shane emerged from the room, holding the three tie options that were left by then, asking the women to help him pick. they agreed on the green one and shane thanked them before going back to the room to put it on. it seemed like he still wasn't fully aware of what happened, too caught up in his own little problem. 

"well, i think i realized that she is the love of my life, so does that mean i get to brag now?" svetlana asked ilya, refering to a previous conversation they had about rose, when ilya had no idea anything was going on between them. 

"maybe after graduation, but now, get ready for more fashion dilemmas from shane. i'm really happy for you but i barely slept and have no capacity for a bigger reaction than this," he gestured for them both to come closer into a big hug. they did, embracing him and each other tightly.

they didn't mind the lack of comments from ilya, he was visibly tired. but they still talked about how it happened, loud enough for shane to also hear it. ilya just looked at them with a slight smile, eating his breakfast at the kitchen counter. 

when shane finally had all the pieces of his outfit on, he joined them on the couch, sitting on the armrest next to svetlana, taking her hand and lifting it up to inspect the ring. 

"this is so beautiful... i can't wait for the double dates, we could even do them in public, nobody would look twice."

"shane... you know that it's legal, right? same-sex marriage? being with a man?" rose said in a concerned voice. 

"i know, i know... i'm just still fighting with... my therapist called it 'internalized homophobia.' i know it's fine and i don't hate anyone else for it, for being gay. or lesbian, or bi, or whatever else. i just sometimes hate myself, it's completely irrational..."

"hell yeah, it is irrational. you're the most wonderful person i know and there's no good explainable reason for anyone to hate you, not even yourself. you're fucking shane hollander. don't ever forget that," ilya said, creeping up behind him and kissing the top of his head proudly.

"no, you're fucking shane hollander," he said, making an unexpected sexual joke which wasn't appreciated enough because everyone in the room was sleepless. 

when they finally got to the ceremony, yuna and david pulled them in a family hug, saying their congratulations and telling them how proud they were, for the millionth time. they let them go before it got long enough for shane to be uncomfortable about people potentially seeing them all together.

all of the students were in their spots during the beginning of the ceremony, except for shane and ilya.  the principal and vice-principal both addressed the crowd, congratulating everyone and saying it's time for the valedictorian speech.

only one name was called, but both shane and ilya stepped together on the podium, looking the happiest they ever did. 

and one more set of legs walked up to the podium.

stinker.