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Oi dipshit mackerel ugly ass face,
I don’t even know why I’m writing this letter but Kouyou said it will be good for me! Don’t ask me why! Some sorta psychological trick or somethin’!
Since I can’t see ya and I honestly hope you’re dead in a ditch somewhere, my only regret is that I wasn’t the one who beat ya to a pulp and left you to die in said ditch.
That said, I do check ditches and the rivers now and then hopin’ to see your corpse. And I know how much you like to go on your suicide swimming or whatever you call it so the fact that I don’t see ya means you’re probably not in Yokohama or maybe you gave up on that suicide method.
Are ya still working on making that extra hard tofu? That was one of the last things we talked about. I don’t even remember why you were obsessed with tofu then! I hate your stupid face for making me remember you every time I see tofu! Now I stab every tofu I see — hard or soft!
I get why you had to do what you had to do. But is it really worth it? Was that Oda guy enough reason to anger the boss? To leave without saying anything? Or to simply give up and kill yourself?!
Well, when you disappeared, I just got back from a mission abroad, but as soon as I heard, I celebrated!!! YEAH MOTHERFUCKER I CELEBRATED!!!! I opened a bottle of Petrus ‘89 and drank it all!!! (It would have been the perfect night if it were not for my car getting bombed. Tch. Probably from an enemy organization but it was still perfect.)
And then old man Hirotsu and even that boy you were training Akutagawa saw me drowning in the bottle and they asked if I was honoring your memory or somethin’. HONORING YOUR MEMORY?!?! WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A THING!!!!! I HAVE NO PLANS TO REMEMBER YOU AT ALL!!!! I WAS HAPPY YOU WERE GONE… POSSIBLY FOR GOOD!!!!!
For the first time in a while, it was like I could finally breathe…
No more mean pranks! No more mean nicknames!!! No more being forced to use Corruption! No more blackmails!!!! No more bickerin’ and fightin’ just because!
Well, some people weren’t so happy… Like the boss. I know he treated you like his son or his heir or somethin’ so I get it.
We did try to look for you. The boss put me on your tail for a few months and told me I was the best person to do it. He said I would know how your mind works because I’m your partner but the thing is, I NEVER really figured you out.
I tried!!!! BELIEVE ME!!!! But every time I think I’m getting close, you throw me off!
We got tips here and there about your whereabouts… Like, someone saw you in England?! I also heard you were in Kanagi in Aomori. We did send people to those places just to be sure.
The weirdest news is that you were living in Mokurotoride, that weird castle thing in Suribachi that no one ever gets near and is supposedly haunted.
I even checked that stupid shipping container where you used to live. And did ya know some of your old stuff are still there? Like some books and that fan?
It smelled like you a little bit… And what I meant by that was it smelled like SHIT! Like you, shitty Dazai!!!
Anyway, I don’t even know why I’m ranting and I used a lot of pages of this pad of paper Kouyou bought me specifically for this reason.
How long has it been since you left? Honestly, I DONT KNOW AND I DONT CARE!!!
I think Kouyou was worried cause I was blabbin’ stuff when I was drunk last night. Even Hirotsu got worried, so I must have said some pretty heavy stuff… And they said I tried callin’ you or somethin’... I don’t remember. Then ane-san said I’m probably not over you leavin’ or dyin’ or whatever. So yeah she suggested I write this fucking letter to no one and ane-san is smart and knows her stuff so I said I’ll give it a try.
I’m kinda worried about stuff I may have said. What if I said embarrassing things about you?!! Kouyou and Hirotsu were looking strangely at me today too.
Seriously, I’m worried about the stuff I said!!! And they wouldn’t tell me the details! Just that I was upset! But of course, I must have said something about you ‘cause ane-san wouldn’t have asked me to do this letter thingy if it wasn’t at all related to you!
What if I said something weird?!?!?!! Like about that time we accidentally…
UGHHHHH NEVER MIND!!! I DONT WANT TO REMEMBER THAT!!!!! UGGHHHHH WHY DO I HAVE TO REMEMBER IT NOW!!!!!
NO…
NO…
UGHHH… Is there an ability user who can erase memories?! ‘Cause I know exactly what I need erasing!!!!
Why am I even writing all my thoughts down???!
Hmm it kind of helps though… Maybe ane-san was right… But I need to burn these papers since I wrote that down. Well, not the details, but even a hint is UUGGHHHHH.
Damn… I’ve never written anything this long… My hand’s startin’ to hurt…
But there is another thing… If I’m facin’ you now, there’s one more thing I’d like to talk to you about.
Aaaand guess what, shitface? The boss just told me that I’m very close to being an executive. HAH. See? I could make it!!! It probably means I’m doing soooo much better at my job now that I don’t have you. Life is sooooo much easier without a big bully like you around. All the low-level mutts aren’t so tense anymore! Even Akutagawa looks relaxed sometimes. (Nah, that’s a joke. He seems like the only other person aside from me who believes you’re probably still alive. He’s still pretty tense and keeps telling me that you’re testing his loyalty by disappearing for a while.)
But back to me!
Do you think Mori-san is lyin’? He could be baitin’ me. I dunno.
And then he told me something I couldn’t believe! He said you didn’t destroy the Arahabaki papers…
So… Thanks, I guess…
You joked about destroying it so many times and I was really worried. It was the reason why I joined the mafia in the first place! And you blackmailed me several times about that too. You held those papers hostage for so long.
In the end, you didn’t really destroy them huh?
Speaking of the boss, Mori-san also hinted that he’ll tell me more about my past. Maybe I’m being too hopeful but what if he knows where my parents or other relatives live? As you know, aside from the papers about Arahabaki, that’s another missing piece of the puzzle that is my goddarn life.
Maybe he thinks it will motivate me to work since… I dunno... Maybe I’ve been a bit distracted since you left.
I’ve been going to the rivers and morgues during my spare time but maybe he found out about it too and he didn’t think it was a good way to spend my time.
Whatever…
But what if Mori-san really found some of my relatives or old friends from my old life? I mean, before the Sheep, of course. I have to admit, it is good motivation. Do you think it’s a trap, Dazai? Or a test? What if the boss is testing me?
Uggghhh I’m gettin’ ahead of myself, aren’t I?
Maybe it’s not even that.
To be honest, maybe it will be nice to see some people from my past. I wonder if my old friends remember me.
What a stupid thing to think about, eh??? They’re all better off without me, of course. I know that! I can’t have a relationship with anyone from my past!!! They’ll be used as leverage against me. I have to act like I don’t care. And maybe when I see them, I won’t actually care.
But…
What if I do? What if I can’t resist the urge of running towards everyone I lost, introducing myself, and telling them that we all have to run away and start a new life somewhere? Somewhere where the Port Mafia or the government can’t find us…
Dazai, I’m scared…
A part of me wishes you were here so we could do this together ‘cause I know you’ll make fun of me or something and make light of the situation and I’ll be less nervous. Or maybe you’ll push me into doing the thing I really want to do. You always had a way of doing that to me.
And I hate that you’re not doing that to me right now… But it’s not like I miss you or anythin’ okay?!?!?!
This is so stupid… Why am I even writin’ this damn stupid letter?!? I’m not sure it’s helping… If anything, what if they use this as evidence that I’m also about to betray the mafia?! So I guess have to destroy it. Burn it or whatever. I’ll just tell Kouyou that I did her letter-writing exercise and it didn’t work!
So long, shitty Dazai. I fucking hate you and the first thing I’ll do if I ever see you again is punch your stupid fucking face. Or choke you. Or stab your throat. Or just plant a bullet in your brain.
Or maybe you really are dead…
Should I tell the boss to make a symbolic gravestone for you? We can even put it beside your buddy Oda if you like.
One of these days, I really should stop visiting ditches and rivers and sneaking into morgues every time I hear there’s an unidentified dead body.
I swear, I’ll stop.
One day, very soon, I’ll forget you. And I’ll stop. And I’ll let you go.
Whatever… Why am I even thinking of this?! Maybe you’re also still alive and laughing at all of us… And me, especially… That’s the sort of cruel thing you do.
If I don’t see you again in this lifetime, I’m sure I’ll see you again in hell.
Oh, and happy birthday.
Goodbye, asshole.