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Things had been going well. Better than he could have expected in all honesty, considering the tension between them even just a few hours ago. But then Nufuli showed the cracks- got a little too honest, a little too open. Cared a little too much.
His wrist is aching from how hard his hand was clenched around his axe handle as he watched Slushly try to finish off those two idiots, gritting his teeth as he had silently admitted to himself that all he could do was put his faith into the other man and wait. Maybe that's when he had the proper realization, the painful thought that he just. Couldn't do it. Couldn't bear to bring Slushly along on this foolish, self-centered and egotistical dive headfirst into danger.
It was a weight in his chest, pressed heavy down on his heart and ripping against the inside of his ribcage. Fuck he cared. Slushly's jokes and smiles and warm yet dry demeanor had made a nest in his feelings, becoming right at home and twisting Nufuli's emotions against him until he couldn't help but view him as a friend. He was annoying and naive and goodhearted and- the weight pressed heavier.
How long until Slushly changed his mind? Left him behind like Loonac had? Tossed venomous but true words his way, and turned his back on Nufuli before flying away like his old teammate had? Or god forbid, never got the chance to? Maybe Loonac was the smart one, and Slushly was too good hearted to do what he had been strong enough to do. Maybe Slushly would follow Nufuli right into death, maybe a dark blur would fall from the sky once again and splatter yet another friend in front of him.
The flicker of memory, of a body smashed on the ground as the void-hued Vanguard member stared down at him, jolts Nufuli out of his thoughts as his stomach rolls violently at the thought. They're away from the tower in the sea now, standing together on a rocky hill as Slushly sorts through his ender chest. There's a high pitched ringing in Nufuli's ears, and his jaw aches from the tension coiled in it as he blankly watches the brunette sort through shulkers and mutter something about gear.
This is his last chance, isn't it? To convince Slushly to walk away and let him handle this alone?
The other man has now progressed to checking over his potions, some joke he makes too distant for Nufuli's crowded and panicked mind to properly digest. Slushly is good and heroic, and that's bad. Nufuli has always thought it was bad, but it's especially terrible now because… Because Slushly won't leave him alone if he realizes what Nufuli is actually thinking. That realization kicks up the speed of Nufuli's breathing, the panic of it clicking that he absolutely cannot be honest with him in this moment. He has to figure out how to make Slushly not realize what his actual motivations are and leave him of his own accord. And then- and then- then maybe he either takes on Vanguard on his own, successfully keeping them from continuing to fuck with himself and Slushly. Or he… fails? At least then though it would only be him falling under Mugm's blade, and he wouldn't have to see what Slushly's face looked like drained of life. A selfish mercy for himself but Nufuli has never been so sure as he is in this moment that he would not survive losing another friend like that.
Maybe Mugm was right. Maybe he already belongs to Vanguard, maybe he needs to rip all these feelings from his chest, burn out all the roots and growth and purge every positive memory of friendship that he has left. The first step is pretty fucking obvious. It's cruel, and it's selfish, but if it means Slushly lives then… maybe that makes his selfishness forgivable.
Slushly is cracking some other joke, but it's not processing right in Nufuli's mind. He swallows hard, trying to ignore the pain that grinds inside his ribcage again and forces himself to speak in lighthearted tone.
"Which- Which keys do you have?" Slushly is moving back and forth but stops momentarily at Nufuli's words, glancing up to meet his gaze.
"Um… Conquest and War." How fucking fitting.
They go back and forth a bit more, Nufuli trying hard to match Slushly's tone, until the brunette brings up that godforsaken shield.
Talking about it- about them- it just makes his chest ache even more. Was it always this difficult to take a full breath? Did his limbs always feel this heavy?
Having that piece of wood back in his hands, held feebly together on such low shreds of durability… Is this what he does to friendships? A shield that looks tough and capable, but will fall apart at the next hard hit?
Slushly is asking about fucking gear again.
Logically, Nufuli knows that's not a bad thing. In fact it's incredibly normal and expected. But something about it adds fuel to the pain, changes the bone ache from sadness and fear to a bitter building anger. Maybe not a full change but… another layer of emotion. A facade to hide his panic behind. Nufuli lets the anger creep in, consciously allows it to color his responses to the other man.
Slushly sounds nervous. Maybe he's picked up on Nufuli's own change in tone and attitude, but he stutters over his words as he watches Nufuli equip his scraps of backup armor. The stutter just makes Nufuli grit his teeth again, jaw clicking as he cuts through Slushly's words.
"Slushly. This entire time I've said that the things I've been doing have been for my team." His ribs throb again, like a heavy boot is pressed down on them. "Been doing things for… Loonac," Another thrumming ache. "and- Dimo's not here, Galaxy's not here." The pain crawls up his throat.
"And Doopter right?" Slushly sounds confused but Nufuli can't stop himself from pressing on.
"Loonac's not here-"
"And me?" He sounds upset. Nufuli manages to hide the flinch, tries to let Slushly's words slide off of him like salt water. "We were doing it together, for them?" Fuck. Fuck he needs to cut out this emotion, this friendship, this soft weakness plaguing him.
"Slushly. When I enter that city, I can't have a shackle on my leg." It doesn't feel like a shackle. It feels like hacking at his own calf that's caught in an iron bear trap.
"A sha- Wait, yeah I- I know! That's, that's why I proved myself in the fight. I helped you- you would have died without me. Like we did that together? We- we- we beat them. That's how we got- how we got the keys-" The fucking stuttering. He sounds nervous and upset and confused and Nufuli tries to ignore how his facade of anger nearly crumbles away at it, instead forcing himself to press on.
"Slushly you… are going to give me the two keys, or I'm going to kill you." Maybe if he hates him, he'll leave him behind.
"What?" Maybe if he hates him, he'll flee before his kindness gets him killed.
Nufuli tosses down a totem, high pitched buzzing filling his head. "You can have a head start." Maybe if he hates him, he won't realize that Nufuli is trying to save him. He doesn't let himself hesitate, leaping into the air with a burst of wind and already holding Tide at the ready.
"Don't- no no no don't-" Slushly almost sounds calmer as he turns to run, like he already doesn't believe this is real. Nufuli's instincts flare- to hunt and chase and attack- and he continues after the other man as they run into the jungle, trying desperately to ignore Slushly's confused pleading. "Don't do this, Nufuli it's not too-" The sound of his own name jolts Nufuli into attacking properly, striking at Slushly's fleeing shoulder with his axe. The blow is glancing, and Slushly don't slow but his voice becomes a bit more panicked.
"Stop! Stop stop stop seriously-" Slushly's words are cut off but Nufuli finally swapped back to his mace once more, Tide slamming against Slushly's spine and the crackle of totem magic fills Nufuli's senses. briefly. "Stop!"
"Give me the two keys!" Nufuli's voice shakes as he corners Slushly against some cobwebs, praying that Slushly doesn't recognize his tone for the fear it actually is. "Drop the two keys!"
"No don't, this isn't-!" Good, he sounds like he's taking Nufuli actually serious now. "This isn't who you want to be, stop!" He's right. Slushly is fucking right and that's the problem. He wants to save his friends, he wants to save Slushly and he can't do that if he spends every fight nervously checking on him or envisioning his gruesome death. "You're better than this!" That flash of faith, a flicker of hope in Slushly's eyes, makes Nufuli falter enough that the brunette manages to slip away from him, dashing further into the jungle. Of course, Nufuli cannot help but to give chase.
"Slushly, bro I- I just-" He almost explains, almost lets the pain crawl out his throat and whimper out his weakness, but Nufuli manages to bite it back down.
"This isn't who you want to be!" Even as Nufuli's heart falters, Slushly still runs, and Tide still falls on him like a crashing wave. Nufuli tries hard to not focus on how he can see blood splatter from the impact, on how he can hear Slushly's hiss of pain. His friend leaps into the air with a flare of wings and a hiss of rockets, and Nufuli cannot help but to follow.
"I can't just like, I- I can't do this with you bro!" He cannot put his feelings into words, both for the impossibility of it and because it would most definitely ensure that Slushly would follow him right to his death. Slushly's flight path falters, either because of his earlier injury or because he hears the weakness hiding behind Nufuli's voice. He messily lands atop a nearby tree, spinning to face Nufuli land.
"This isn't who you want to be!!" Slushly had said this before, but now seeing his face- eyebrows pushed up in confusion, blood still dripping from his nose from the earlier fight, genuine hurt and upset visible in his eyes- it's worse now. It's harder. To- to do what he needs to. Nufuli lets his instincts take the wheel for a moment, instantly leaping to trade blows with Slushly as his mind stalls on what to feel or what to say. "This is-" Another hit from Nufuli's axe cuts off Slushly from continuing, and he zips into the air again to avoid Nufuli's next blow. Again, he cannot help but to follow. Maybe this is all he is- a hunter, a lone warrior, a weapon that cannot help but to attack what is in front of it.
"I'm going to kill you if you don't drop the keys." His tone has gone off, emotions bled out of his words as Nufuli solely lets his battle instincts lead him in the chase.
"What?!" Slushly's confused and fearful response is cut off by Nufuli slamming Tide against his side midair. He can practically feel Slushly's bones cave some under the blow, but somehow he stays in the air. "Oh my gosh-" His voice is pained, and yet there's another rocket burst as he continues fleeing Nufuli. It's not hard to catch up to him as he lands on another treetop.
"Slushly I have rockets too." Nufuli lands just behind him with another swing of his weapon as Slushly drops a potion onto his own feet. Seeing Slushly draw his own axe and prepare to fight him- that's what makes his instincts actually rear back. One half screaming for a fight, to take down his prey, while the other cries out that this is a friend, that this is someone trusted. The upset slowly creeps back into his tone as he shoves past his gut instincts to keep fighting. "Just drop me the keys bro."
"No! This isn't who you want to be!" He knows! Slushly keeps pointing out like he doesn't understand what's happening, can't fathom this betrayal. It rips at Nufuli's chest and he feels the urge to scream but swallows it down with a sickening taste. The upset is fully there, anger and fear warring in his ribs.
"It's who I have to be bro, just drop the keys!" Another air chase, his lungs tightening as his rage begins to white out over his other thoughts. Nufuli has never reacted well to feeling scared, and has always reacted even worse to negative emotions. This is a disaster incoming, and he needs to convince Slushly to leave before it gets any worse. Then Slushly strikes a nail deep into the cracks his weakness has created.
"This is why Loonac left!" Nufuli falters midair, ears buzzing and body suddenly feeling cold. "This is why he left you!" He's right. "I- I've been telling you this the whole time! The- the entire reason he left is because you're selfish, you don't think about anyone but yourself!" He's right. The denial feels cold in his veins though and letting Slushly find this weakness, letting him identify what it really is- Nufuli can't let that happen. So he blocks out the betrayed hurt with rage.
"You don't know anything about me or Loonac bro!" Nufuli hardens himself, trapping Slushly in cobwebs again but refusing to meet his eyes. He thinks about the hateful people he's met, the self-centered arrogant assholes, the type of people he knows Slushly detests and tries to force himself more into that mold. "Can you just give me the keys and I'll let you live?!"
"I know- I- I know what he told me and that was exactly what I just told you!" Slushly is properly fighting back now, swinging his sword even as he's trapped in webs. Nufuli feels like he can't catch his breath, like all he feels is cold numbness and rage and fear, and does all he can to make his voice harder and more threatening.
"I'm not listening to you anymore, just-" He leaps into the air with another burst of wind, Tide at the ready already marked with Slushly's blood, but Slushly's words midair stop him from fully striking.
"Okay okay okay, I'm- I'm gonna die-" Nufuli lands heavy, his mace's momentum giving his an issue for a moment as he watches Slushly try to pull himself out of the webs. He takes a threatening step forwards then another as Slushly stumbles back and chugs a golden apple, presumably trying to heal the damage he's already taken. "Nufuli, please don't do this-" The actual pleading in Slushly's voice and the way he flinches away from him makes Nufuli falter, the rage ebbing back slightly as he cannot help how he catalogues what little he can see of Slushly's wounds. "I- I have my own goals, I'll leave you alone! We don't even have to-" He's begging now. Slushly has never begged. It makes Nufuli feel sick, and that horrid taste is in his throat again. Still he doesn't back down though.
"Give me the keys." His voice is cold. It's all he can manage to hide how his gut is twisting at the betrayal in Slushly's voice.
"Why?!" Slushly sounds on the edge of tears, and Nufuli cannot bring himself to meet his gaze and confirm it for himself. He always has been a coward when it comes to emotions. Why should he stop being a selfish coward now? "WHY?!" Slushly's voice is shaking, and his body language screams anguish. Nufuli stares at his chest plate, and slowly raises Tide again. He cannot falter now. If this is what it takes to save Slushly, to spare himself the sight of another friend dead… He must.
"Ten. Nine."
"I- I-" Slushly tries to step closer to him, and Nufuli fights to not flinch away from him. He simply hold his mace tighter.
"Eight. Seven."
"You-" There's a glint of something that lands on the chest plate that Nufuli is so focused on. It must be a small bit of rain. It has to be.
"Six. Five." Slushly's breathing is ragged, and he takes a gasp of air. It's just breathing. It has to be. If it's crying he can't- Nufuli feels sick again.
"Four. Three." Another gasp for air, and Nufuli reflexively bursts into the wind, rising up like a horrific shadow and holding his mace at the ready.
"Two. One." He slams into the ground next to an unmoving Slushly, unable to even pretend like he would have actually hit him. He can probably tell. Can see and smell the weakness on Nufuli. Everyone can. Why is it so hard to breathe?
"The keys bro." It's all Nufuli can to do keep up the facade of assholery. To not throw in at least a please. To not begin begging himself. To not fall to his knees and plead with Slushly to just do this for him."I don't want to kill you." His voice shifts of it's own accord, shaking. Nufuli can't bear to look at Slushly's face, can only stare at the damp marks on his chest plate and pray that his own trembling shoulders and screwed up expression aren't betraying him to the other man.
Then the clatter of metal. A pair of keys dropped onto the ground in-between them, Slushly not speaking a word as he does so. Does he know? Does he know how pathetic he is? How broken? How selfish?
He's silent and still for a long few moments, not bending to pick up the keys, and not lifting his head to Slushly's gaze. The first to move is Slushly himself, taking a few shaky steps away from Nufuli as his voice breaks the silence.
"Despite everything… I… wish you the best of luck." His voice is hoarse and a little wet, and there is a layer of pain to it that Nufuli knows isn't just physical. Nufuli makes the mistake of flicking his sight up for just a moment to meet red-rimmed eyes and a heavy gaze, and feels everything in him turn cold. It's over. Whatever warmth had been in-between them, whatever friendship or camaraderie, he's truly destroyed it in this moment.
Nufuli forces himself into motion and quickly bends to grab the keys and instantly leaps into the air with a snap of wings and a hiss of rockets. He cannot say goodbye. He cannot look back.
"Whatever it takes. For everything… I'm sorry." He throws his last words to Slushly, both hoping that he will understand and praying that he doesn't. It's time to hunt Vanguard, it's time to be selfish. It's time to lock down any emotions he has, to abandon all friends and harden himself into the steel he needs to be. And maybe once Vanguard is gone he'll finally be on top. Once they're gone, maybe he won't have to live everyday with the memory of HD dead under Mugm's mace, maybe he won't have to feel like he seems reflections of Dimo and Loonac around every corner, maybe he'll remember what it feels like to hate Slushly and never want to see him again. And maybe it's selfish to think that.
But it's better than the alternative. It's better than Slushly abandoning him. It's better than Slushly dying. Maybe it's better to be a selfish asshole.
The statues rise on the horizon. The City of Life is visible, and Vanguard awaits.