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Dear Lonely Hearts Detective Agency
There’s a boy in my herbology class named Alexis Wesner. He has curly brown hair, lovely green eyes, and a dimple on the left side of his cheek. He’s also a Ravenclaw and we’re both in our third year.
Lately, I’ve found myself drawn to him! The way his brow furrows when he’s concentrating, or how he bites his lip when he’s trying not to laugh (even at my particularly unfunny jokes). How whenever we’re talking, he looks at me with his full attention. Eyes, ears, mind and all!
I have an inkling that he may just like me back. Whenever I’m passing him and his group in the halls, I find that they’re staring and whispering to him — I hope that’s a good thing? And he’s been rather spacey as well, when we study together.
I really really REALLY want to ask him, but I’m too shy. And being honest, he’s not much of a “first move” kind of guy. I was hoping you could give us that special nudge to kick things off?
- SOS Slytherin
The letter sits on your lap as you re-skim its contents, slowly building up the full scope of the situation. Alexis Wesner, his piner, and a classic stalemate of “Does he love me, does he not?” For the three months, four days, and approximately one day that you’ve been running the Lonely Hearts Detective Agency (LHDA), this is practically the blueprint of darling-framed dilemmas amongst Hogwarts' endlessly anxious lovers and frisky teens trying to get down into one another’s socks. That is to say, not unlike the other 3 letters addressed and sitting right next to you in a lovely pile.
It’s only the lack of name on the sender's end that causes the sigh to escape from your lips, as it forces you to lean in more to the Detective edge of the LHDA.
Stretching your arms out in front of you, countless strategies run through your head on how to get these two to-be lovers to fess up. From a small “‘Ah, you look cute together”’ to a Grand Astronomy Tower Confession, up until a classic nudge into the right person’s arms which brings you to gathering up your letters, which you tuck into that custom inner pocket of your robes, and your books that allow you to have the plausible deniability of an innocent student reviewing. Ultimately, when you’ve left your secluded nook located in one of the lesser-travelled areas of Hogwarts’ many halls, you’ve decided on the first option.
And so begins your endless work as the Lonely Hearts Detective Agency. Which, contrary to popular belief, is a bit of a misnomer.
You’re the only member of this “agency.” Officially speaking.
You’re also the only one in Hogwarts with a 90% success rate (who’s counting?) in setting up and mending the Lonely Hearts that tumble about within its walls. You’re a bona fide matchmaker. Baby Cupid.
Half an hour later, you find yourself stationed strategically in one of the library’s many aisles. Examining book covers like they’re the most interesting thing in the world as you eavesdrop on the study session of two students — A mousey haired boy with light eyes and a scrunchy nose, and a girl with fair hair and star-spackled freckles. The two of them hunched over a book, discussing transfiguration theocraticals and taking side notes. Based on your ask-around descriptions, you’ve identified them as the fabled Alexis Wesner and Calypso Sauveterre.
“No, Alexis,” She sighed. “For the hundredth time aphantasia doesn’t affect a person’s results...”
“But if the transformation relies on a person's visualization…”
“It’s conceptualization, not visualization. How do you think blind people transfigure…?"
You smiled to yourself. An imperceptible reaction to what was very obviously two idiots in love. Your SOS Slytherin (thank Merlin for coloured uniforms), Calypso, was filled with a fond exasperation, while Wesner was clearly trying to save face by playing it smart. It was a cliché to the core. You couldn’t help but wonder how many study ‘dates’ it must’ve taken for her to work up the nerve to ask for advice!
You moved further down the aisle, closer to their table to get a better vantage.
“But listen to this,” Wesner said. “You know that story — About those three blind men and an elephant? And how they all thought they were feeling something different?”
“...No?” She replied. You spared a glance to their table. She was confused, but clearly intrigued.
Her eyes were glued to his face, shining moony as the boy explained. Nodding along perfectly and hanging on to every word. This case truly could’ve been solved with a letter of advice.
But she asked for a nudge.
And who were you to deny a girl such a simple pleasure?
The moment Wesner finished up his story (“Get it, Cal?”) is when you made your move. Coming out from your end with a book in hand, approaching their little bubble with a perfected kind smile and knowing eyes. Gaze looking over them both with amusement.
“It’s a good interpretation, but your girl here is right,” you say. Leaning against the edge of their table with a grin.
You can appreciate the deep red that spreads over Calypso’s face at being referred to as his girl. It almost makes Wesner’s unnoticeable.
Continuing on, “There’s some merit to it. The feeling. The looking. But in the end it really is all based on someone’s willpower and how they intend the object to come out. A blind person or someone with aphantasia could very well transfigure something with ease.”
You let the preamble sit, letting them process you as the newcomer. One beat. Two.
Wesner nods slowly. A bit stiffly. “I see. And you are…?”
Your mouth merely widens, eyes shining. “Someone who thinks you should keep her around. You two make quite the good pair, after all.” You add smoothly.
Straightening back up, you tap the table with the flat of your fingers. Bringing back the now wide-eyed Calypso back from her girlishly flushed daze, and letting Alexis Wesner breathe out near imperceptibly.
Oh, to be an awkward third-year again.
“Ah, well, I best be going now,” you say. Turning on your heel. With one final, well-wishing nod to the couple, you walk off. Letting their murmuring wash over you and wane as you distance further. Graciously, you the last few words you catch are from your SOS Slytherin, who seems to have sensed her special nudge has finally come.
“So, we’re a good pair…”
The rest of the afternoon would be pleasantly plain once you finished up your other 3 letters. Thankfully, they were plain as well. Each seeking that same old advice on how to get the girl and how to woo a guy. All easily solvable with carefully worded advice and then sent off through the owlery to be delivered with the rest of the morning post tomorrow.
Quick, efficient, and easy.
Of course, many people did theorize on who you were. Many had wagered you to be a sort of ghost or phantom. More often would people be trying to guess your house (expectedly — house-related gossip was pixie dust to the castle).
Gryffindor! For the bravery and nerve to set people up so brazenly!
Hufflepuff! For the hard-work and dedication you have for true love!
Ravenclaw! For the creativity and wits it takes for your schemes to work so smoothly!
Slytherin! For the cunning manipulation of your peers!
And then you’d have the people who claimed to be or know you. Or those who simply believed that you were pure rubbish and a meddler. The former two were of course impossible and typically disproven rather quickly, and the latter a fair and frank assessment (you weren't denying it). But the results were there.
This pondering and consideration of the Lonely Hearts Detective Agency is what caught your ear particularly after the affair between Calypso and Alexis as you overheard a small group of third-year girls in your common room discussing Hogwarts’ newest couple over a game of cards.
“Wesner and Sauveterre? Seriously?”
“Seems about right. They’ve always been inseparable — Now even more so!”
“Called it. She said she wrote a letter.”
It brought a smile to your face, hidden by a copy of Mystical Flowers and Their Relative Properties, taken from the library 3 days ago.
The Lonely Hearts Detective Agency strikes again.