Chapter Text
When innocent May was in expectant bloom
I fought the Battle of the Best Man
I encountered two mysteries of the locked room
and cracked them, as only I can
After they were wedded as husband and wife
I prevented one delayed-action stabbing
I solved the case, he saved the life
— All the while I kept on blabbing
I improvised the speech, my long love letter
And although it wasn’t quite the goal
In trying to be his Best Friend (and better)
I revealed — and lost — my heart and soul
Did I say “murder”? I meant to say “marriage”
I may be slipping and only Freud would know how
The picture isn’t whole yet (where is the missing carriage?)
But marriage is murder and it’s killing me now
If anyone asks me, I will happily tweet
“Oh what a night for all who were there!”
But inside my mind I’ll beat a hasty retreat
From the things I just cannot bear
The flowers, the lights, the dance and the song
— a chaos of sight, sound and scent
Just watching the scene where I don’t belong
Nerves and energy utterly spent
After The Waltz and my last vow
I’ll abandon the joyous throng
Would have loved to dance but I can’t see how
When everything seems so wrong
I lost the battle in the final act
Now it’s time for my last impressions
Believe it or not, I have enough tact
To make no more shameful confessions
But watching those two just dance away
The beaming bride and the groom
Makes it impossible for me to stay
My head spinning with confusion and gloom
All my duties are done, nothing more left to see
— How it all became clear in a flash!
One final deduction, reserved for me
Then I’m headed for the post-case crash
Reconciling “Man” and “Friend” and “Best”
Now that all is said and done
Feels like a hole ripping through my chest
He’s married — I’m woebegone
What will be left of me tomorrow?
The hole was crafted with such precision
I guess I deserve the loneliness and sorrow
As I couldn’t make the right decision
I turn to leave before my anxiety grows
No one tells me to stop and wait
Why should they care, no one else even knows
That my revelations came too late
When he first came along, why didn’t I see
He was holding the missing part?
He unlocked the door, to the core of me
The impenetrable chamber of my heart
He’s as vital as blood, as essential as air
Always keeping me on the right track
But now that he’s with her, and the baby is there
How could I ever get him back?
Don’t pick up the pieces, just let them be
Give him up without a fight
Lock the empty room, throw away the key
And disappear into the night