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Three days of bloody and muddy socks after Hawkeye fails to get a new pair of boots Klinger walks up to him. “Hey Doc, I can’t get you new boots but I might have a way to make the whole hole in your boot situation a bit more bearable.”
Hawkeye, previously falling asleep into what the army tries to pass off as mashed potatoes, “What, what, I’ll take anything even one of your heels.”
Klinger opens his mouth, hesitates, closes it as a smile draws across his face.
“Oh no, no, no.”
“No, no, look Captain, you need something to wear while I’m repairing your boot anyways, would you rather that I ever so generously let you borrow a pair of my heels or, you walk around barefoot.”
The heels are out of Hawk’s mind in a second. “You’re going to fix my boots? What, have you become a cobbler since the last time we spoke?”
“Well not quite but Radar did what he does, got me a scrap of leather from one of the farmers who was tanning a hide. I figure I can put a layer of it over the bottom of your shoe. It won’t be perfect but it's a sure sight better than whatever you have going on now.” Klinger gestures at the golf bag Hawkeye is wearing as a shoe.
Hawkeye stands up so fast the table shakes as he pulls Klinger into a great big bear hug. “Thank you oh great cobbler. If i could I would give you a peach cobbler so it was an equal exchange but,” Hawk gestures around them as if that explains it. It does.
“There is a slight price though,” Klinger says before Hawk can get too excited. “I will loan you one of my dress and heel combos and you have to wear it all day.”
Hawkeye barely even blinks before he's saying “Yes, yes, of course. I’ll even pierce my ears if you want me too. Oh I can’t wait to enter the land of milk and honey and dry socks.”
Klinger laughs.
The next day Hawkeye knocks on one of the supports to Klinger's tents a little bit after a roll call he was wheeled too by Trapper. “Come in!” Klinger shouts.
Hawkeye enters to see Klinger relaxed against his bed sewing at the sides of a dress by hand. Hawk registers this as slightly odd given Klinger's newly purchased sewing machine but not enough to really register. “Klinger! Buddy ole pal, I have my shoes and ready for whatever tortures I have to endure to get that leather patch for them.”
Klinger laughs. “Well I hope it isn’t too humiliating but here you go.” Klinger holds out the dress in his hands and gestures towards a pair of high heels by the foot of the bed. “Those shoes should fit you and I took out the seam allowance by the shoulders of the dress so everything should fit fine.”
“Where’s my bra?” Hawk asks
“Oh please, you barely have A cups.”
Hawk laughs as he starts unlacing his boots. He strips out of everything but his boxers and takes the dress from Klinger's outstretched hand. He shimmies into the dress, a cute pink slip with a bow on the neckline. It falls to midthigh and Hawkeye is silently grateful that he won’t have to worry about flashing someone if he reaches up for something.
Next Hawk steps into the heels Klinger sets out for him. They pinch at the toes a bit but it’ll be far more bearable than either the golfbag or the shoe with a hole in it.
Hawkeye hands over the shoe with a hole in it to Klinger. “Thanks a million for your services kind lady.”
Klinger rolls his eyes. “You're telling me. Good luck with the rest of the day, with those blinding thighs you’ll be fending off the ladies with a stick!” Klinger says as he shoos Hawkeye out of his tent.
Hawkeye garners a few wolf whistles as he returns to the swamp, blowing a few kisses to nurses.
As he opens the swamp door Hawkeye asks, “What do you call a me in nine inch stilettos?”
Trapper looks up, Hawk sees him taking in the outfit.
“Hawk high” Hawk answers for Trapper accompanied by a honking laugh.
Trapper rolls his eyes, “The heels are less than two inches.”
“Aw someone's pouty I now tower over him.” Hawk taunts.
Whatever may have happened next was interrupted. The speakers announced incoming wounded.
Hawk wears the heels all throughout OR. They’re killer on his arches but better than barefeet in blood.