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Sometimes, the nature of Joel’s polycule is a bit astounding to li. Lai walks into Un-beta-ble with Jimmy on one arm and BigB on the other, BigB holding Mumbo’s hand and chatting to Scar as Scott trails behind, rambling about lir latest project to Etho and Jevin.
Bdubs isn’t even here.
(The thought of Bdubs sends a pang through Joel’s heart, lir nerves crying out for lir alpha, but lai suppresses it.)
It’s a little crazy. Even if li’s only with Jimmy and Scott, plus lir… platonic manly cuddling in nests when the alphas are away with BigB, the sprawl of the web of partnerships is a lot to process.
They take their seats. The seven of them make up like a third of the group tonight, but there’s others coming in from their servers all over. Lai recognizes a few from Empires, others lai knows by reputation, still others are folks lai never would have heard of if not for this group. It’s the only one like it in the universe, as far as Joel knows, and it’s great, it’s helpful. But lai still resents it, resents the thing that draws li here. Even if Bdubs encourages li, and Jimmy came with li even before lai found out lai was a beta too, even if lai has Scott and Eefo and all these people lai loves.
Lai doesn’t want to be a beta. Lai doesn’t want the social badge, the connotations that it carries. Lai doesn’t want to look around the circle, at the alphas who accompany their betas to the group, and know that they’re smelling his omega pheremones and imagining mounting li.
(Jimmy always says they’re not imagining that. They encounter plenty of omegas in daily life, and just the scent of pheremones isn’t enough to really make them feel that way unless they’re already massive pervs. Yes, Jimmy did use those exact words. It doesn’t really make Joel feel better.)
In every functional way, Joel is a perfect alpha. But lai has omega pheremones, and occasionally omega-adjacent impulses and instincts. Lai needs an alpha to soothe li when lai gets upset (that’s what Jimmy and Bdubs are for). Lai nests when lai’s particularly distressed. Lai still has ruts, though, and if lai had an omega partner, lai could get them pregnant, just like any other alpha.
But still… people assume lai’s an omega, because lai smells like an omega, and lai’s not about to tell them lai’s a beta. Lai doesn’t want that kind of heat. Lai doesn’t want to hear the comments, lai doesn’t want to invite the violence.
(Lai still has nightmares about picking Jimmy up from the ER when lai got beaten up for being a beta, and when Scar told li about what its parents did to it when it presented as a beta, lai almost threw up.)
Those are the thoughts lai’s ruminating on when the meeting starts. Lai clings to Jimmy’s hand, squeezing lir fingers tight in lir own. At least Joel kind of knows Doc, from Hermitcraft. Lai has Lyndon’s too, just like Joel, and that’s comforting in its own way. But Joel’s never pretended to be particularly close to li, and only really sees li once a month here in the bridge server, and on the rare occasion they cross paths on HC.
Doc smiles, and lir accent is so soothing, it almost makes Joel forget how frustrated and stressed lai is. “Hello, everyone, welcome to Un-beta-ble. For our newcomers, this is a group by betas for betas where we talk about our experiences and try to build community with each other. I’m going to kick off the discussion. My name is Doc M, and I have Lyndon’s Syndrome.”
Lai takes lir seat and does lir gesture, this strange little gesture that lai always does, that indicates that the floor is open to other participants. Jimmy glances at Joel, and Joel sighs and nods. Jimmy squeezes lir hand, then says, “er, hi! I’m Jimmy, and I’ve got atypical Ackerman’s! I have a combination of heats and ruts, and when I do have heats, they’re often complicated and painful. My partner Joel—” lai lifts up their joined hands “—helps me through them.”
Joel flushes slightly at all the attention on li. Once again, lai feels as though the rest of them are staring at li, smelling li. It’s overwhelming, exactly like it is every time.
But the attention moves on quickly, to a girl named Shelby. Joel shifts in lir seat and tries to calm lirself down.
“Hi, I’m Shelby! I use femme beta and masc omega pronouns interchangeably. I have CWH. Anyone here not know what CWH is?” There are a few nods from people, and Joel suppresses his laughter. Even after six months coming to this thing, he always manages to forget how many people, including other betas, don’t know the ins and outs of betahood. “Collingwood-Heller’s Disorder is sort of a catch-all diagnosis for a beta whose reproductive organs, including the fidelial gland that creates our hormones and pheremones, just kinda… don’t work. Most of the time, this means that we have OOA chromosomes instead of the standard OO or OA, which means when puberty hits, our bodies get confused about what instructions to follow—the alpha or omega ones—and they just discard all of our reproductive organs.
“I still have my ovaries and Fallopian tubes, but my uterus was discarded along with my testicles at puberty. As a result, my body has heats that are overly powerful because it’s pumping pathoselinol into organs that aren’t there anymore. There’s nothing to absorb the hormone, so it just recirculates through my body and causes all kinds of weird side effects.”
Some of the participants have questions about CWH, but eventually, Doc draws the focus again. “I want to introduce this week’s discussion prompt. What are you proud of about your beta identity? How has it shifted your perspective on the world?”
Scott bumps Joel’s shoulder when lai raises lir hand. “Hi, I’m Scott. I just want to say that since being diagnosed with Ryder’s, I’ve learned to be a lot kinder to people I don’t understand. I also have been working on not making assumptions about people based on their appearances or behaviour, cause I never know what’s going on beneath the surface. These are like, primary school lessons, but it’s crazy how difficult they can be to internalize as an adult.”
Doc nods, the golden jewelry that dangles from his enormous horns jingling softly as lai does so. “Self-improvement is always a worthy pursuit. Anyone else have viewpoints they want to offer?”
Shelby speaks up again. “Um, CWH has made me realize that I’m so much more androgynous—and pathobarbikous—than I ever imagined myself being, but I’m learning to love that about myself. I fuck with genders, and it’s okay for my genders to be weird and messy and different.”
“Yeah, being a beta means I can kinda go stealth sometimes,” someone pipes up. Joel feels Jimmy’s grip tighten on lir own and tries to relax. “There are advantages to not being clocked as one or the other, or being clocked incorrectly.”
“I never thought about it like that,” Joel says. Dozens of eyes turn to li all at once, like spotlights shining on li, the rest of the world turning dark at the edges of lir vision. Everyone’s staring at li, and lai wants to curl in on lirself and never be seen again.
The room is quiet. Someone coughs. Then Jimmy elbows Joel and the words start to spill out of li like a mudslide. “I just– I never really liked being a beta. I always felt… I dunno. Jimmy calls it dysphoric. I just hate the thought of people looking at me and assuming I’m an omega just cause of how I smell. It feels… gross somehow. But I guess if people think I’m an omega, they’ll underestimate me. They’ll assume I’m less capable, and I can use that to my advantage. Or something.”
Lai says all of this to the floor, but when lai glances up, Jimmy’s grinning at li. Scott’s eyes are shining. Even Doc looks proud as lai answers. “That’s a wonderful sentiment, Joel.”
Joel doesn’t speak again for the rest of the meeting, but when they step outside, Scott throws lirself at li, and Joel can’t suppress the adoring smile that grows on lir face as Scott lifts li up and spins li in a circle. Jimmy watches, giggling lir little Jimmy giggle, and Scott pulls Joel against lir chest, breathing softly into lir hair. “Oh, I can’t wait to tell Bdubs,” Scott breathes, and Joel closes lir eyes.
“‘S not that big a deal, Scott, you don't hafta tell him.”
It’s not like one session at Un-beta-ble is going to magically fix Joel’s complex. But still… there’s something about looking at it in a new way. About thinking of it as something that can make li powerful.
Maybe there’s more to be gained. And maybe next month, lai’ll have more to say.
We’ll see.