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It’d been way too long of a day for Yoonchae.
She was exhausted as the members chattered loudly, gathering their things after an excruciating ten hour rehearsal. She was so done with everything. Everything little thing in her life had just been piling on her shoulders until it felt like she could hardly take it anymore. Every word that came out of someone’s mouth felt unbearable and added to the loud, screeching static in her brain. She was so overstimulated. She felt bad for being so pissy and thinking so badly about everyone right now, but at this point she couldn’t care. Her skin was crawling and she wanted so deeply to have a moment to just breathe. She could feel she was on the verge of her breaking point.
Times like these, when she was numb and overwhelmed, brought Yoonchae memories of her. When Hye-jin would hold her tightly, sunset peeking through the blinds. Yoonchae always felt rejuvenated and refreshed from her velvety voice.
“Dude, everyone’s been asking you a question,” Daniela said, breaking through the static and cutting that final thread holding her together.
“Oh my god, please, can everyone shut up,” Yoonchae snapped, voice cracking and desperate, eyes wide and brimming with hot tears.
She stormed out of the studio, letting the door slam shut behind her. God, she would give the world to feel her hands pressed firmly onto her back right now. It’s been about a 2 years since she’s had Jiji all to herself. For fuck’s sake, who was she kidding, she knows for a fact it’s been exactly 2 years 7 months and 2 days.
Yoonchae promised herself she wouldn’t call, text, or anything else unless she just.. really needed. It wasn’t healthy to still be attached so strongly. She felt like now was probably a good time as she stood in the back alleys of the studio, letting her tears flow freely and her nose go numb from the cold and her vision going red.
So Yoonchae took 3 taps and a moment of tense hesitation before her desperation forced her to cave. Ringing commenced and the contact ‘Hyejie❤️’ popped up on her screen.
She shuffled her feet in the thin blankets of snow and gently chewed on her lip till she tasted blood. Her sobs broke through the crisp air sharply. Yoonchae was about to tap hang up, thinking she wouldn’t pick up, probably holding that grudge still.
And then she heard a soft hum from the speaker.
“Yoonie-yaaa, is that you? Did you mean to call me?” She spoke as if no time had passed. As if they were still 15 years old, walking home together after school.
No, that was what broke her. Suddenly, it wasn’t just being overwhelmed and spiraling, she was drowning in a flood of desire for lingering in her peaceful childhood.
Yoonchae began to sniffle profusely, tears streaming down her cheeks, making her hair stick to it.
Yoonchae managed through sniffs, “Please, please no English. My brain.. isn’t working properly for that.”
“Ahh, what happened Yoonie, tell me what’s wrong, hm?” Hye spoke so fondly she could almost pretend she was right there with her.
“Hye-ji, please don’t do that, don’t act as if we’re just the same as we’ve always been.” Yoonchae felt a burning in her chest. It infuriated her how she could just be so casual, as if their history didn’t mean anything.
She can’t just do that because things would never be the same again and she hated how she would always be so avoidant of such serious issues. Yet, her heart also burned with passion and desire to stay there eternally, with her voice lulling her to sleep like old times. Not having to worry about distance, rehearsals, performing, nothing except the fuzzy warmth and adoration in Yoonchae. She felt like the little kid she was again, desperate to be with her crush no matter the circumstances.
“Well, I don’t know, Yoonie, sorry but you didn’t exactly go into depth when you got up and left to America after we’d kissed out of the blue with no warning two years ago and proceeded to call me only 5 times within that long period,” Hye-Jin said it with a bitter undertone, but the way she spoke breathily and remained so calm gave the sense that’d she’d had a lot of time to ponder on Yoonchae’s actions but was hurt nonetheless.
“I-I’m sorry, I’m just scared.”
“I know, don’t think about it right now, we can work those details out later, yeah? You called because you’re upset? Tell me everything Yoonie,” Hye-jinn said, ruffling in the background as if she was settling in for a long talk.
“It’s just. I really can’t do this without you,” Yoonchae said honestly, surprising herself even.
“Oh stop it, sure you can Yoonie, you’re the one making it big in a K-pop group.”
“No, you know what I mean. Nobody gets me like you. Nobody knows me like you do because I don’t want anyone to know me like you do.” Yoonchae sank to the ground, knees to her chin as she mumbled from the bottom of her heart through sobs.
“Its so hard with out you. And I love my members and I’m grateful for this incredible opportunity but.. I just miss having someone who understands the deepest parts of me, who makes me smile when I didn’t know I could, who makes me feel weightless and grounded.
I’ve tried so hard to find that someone here. But nobody can match you. Nobody can just bring me relief after a day where I’m worn and I feel like there nothing left in me. You know everything about me, Hye-Jin. And, yes, that’s a part of what makes you my person.
But never in my life will I find someone else who I’ll be able to share all pieces of me and who will unfalteringly love all pieces of me. And it’s been so hard here lately, I’ve had rough patches in the past but it’s always been able to pay off.
I just miss someone who could even speak the same fucking language as me. I need a break from everything right now, I feel like I’m drowning. And i feel so stupid for wanting nothing but you to fix me. God, I’m so fucking in love with you that it makes me look like a fucking loser.
After all this time, I still imagine your face to ground me every damn day. Sometimes I just wish I could be a kid again. When things were simple and laughing with you on the playground on a summer day would make me overfill with joy. I have so many accomplishments and I’m doing so much these days. But what’s it worth when I have no family or friends or people who have watched me grow to come home to, to share my highs and lows with? Someone who’s been with me through every step. It’s so hard being here alone. I sound so stupid. But I really am truly so fucking in love with you. I need you now more than anything. To have your scent linger on me after a hug would bring me to tears and that so pathetic but it’s true.”
“I’m sorry, Hye-Jin,” She awkwardly spit out at the end
“You really meant all of that, didn’t you?” Hye-Jin said softly in disbelief, sounding starry eyed.
“I did,” Yoonchae managed to spit out.
Hye-Jin sighed heavily, as if annoyed but Yoonchae could hear the smile through the screen, “Don’t you worry, my pretty girl, I’m glad you could let all of that out. It seems like you’ve held in a lot for a while, huh?”
Yoonchae stumbled through her words, feeling silly now, “I’m really sorry, I don’t know.. I just needed to tell someone and you don’t have to mention or reciprocate anything. Eh, I really have to go now. I’m sorry.”
“Yoonie-ya, it’s ok, we can talk again soon, don’t be so dramatic and act like this is a goodbye,” Hye-Jin said like she was trying not to set Yoonchae off again.
“I love you too, Yoonie,” Hye added.
“Ah ok, sorry for getting all sentimental on you- wait what was that?” Yoonchae said, her heart rate spiking in her realization.
But before she could delve deeper, the phone beeped and she was gone. Yoonchae rose to her feet, staring at a squirrel across the parking lot. She attempted to process what’d she’d just done and what it all meant.
She felt.. a bit better. And though she was unsure of what awaited her, Yoonchae felt relieved right now. All of the pressure that had been accumulating for months was gone. The static in her mind that weighed on her was gone. Just being able to release that and have Hye-Jin listen was enough for now, even if things between them were.. questionable.
Yoonchae wiped her tears and with wobbly legs made her way back to the front of the studio where she saw her members through the glass door, anxiously chattering. And when Megan spotted Yoonchae approaching the door the girls ran outside and bombarded her in a group hug and a wave of
“Oh my goodness, you had me so worrieddd!”
“Fuck, I knew something was off today.
“Are you ok, Yoonchae? What happened?
She profusely apologized, especially to Dani because of how she’d snapped, and they began to make their way home.
Yoonchae sat in the back seat of Sophia’s car, her stomach settling into a strange, electric anticipation. She would deal with that later but for now, she was at peace with her uncertainty.