Work Text:
I.
Phil was sitting in the office, and had been for several hours. He was editing a video for the philm club, a Heated Rivalry reaction. The Dan on his screen had been yapping about homophobia in sports for four minutes straight at this point. Screen Phil was trying his best to interrupt, to keep the video going, but Dan was unstoppable.
“And what can I say, Phil. Sports culture is toxic. Why do you think we never go to the gym? People are always judging there and we can’t just show up with our noodle arms and do a workout in peace. And if that’s what amateur gyms are like, imagine how it is at the top level. Guys like Shane don’t stand a chance….”
Phil had edited a lot of these clips. It was harder than it seemed, cutting such a huge fragment out without messing up the flow of the conversation. If he cut the whole thing out, it would be obvious. Dan would never miss such a golden opportunity to rant about social issues, after all. If he left the whole thing in, the video would get either too long, too serious, or both.
Phil didn’t really want to cut it out, though. Screen Dan was making good points. Professional sports was a toxic culture, and there was a lot of homophobia embedded in that culture. It felt important to Phil to keep at least some of the rant in. It was relevant to the video, at least.
Plus, secretly, Phil loved it when Dan was passionate about something. He loved watching him ramble on and on about something that hit close to home. Dan would get this fire in his eyes, and his words would come out so fast that Phil lost track of them. He didn’t mind. As long as he occasionally hummed in agreement, he could keep watching Dan’s passionate, beautiful self.
Today, though, he needed to cut it short. He decided to keep Dan’s original statement, and Phil’s reaction to it, in the video. The moment it turned into a rant, though, needed to be cut. Dan’s fire would be saved for another video. Maybe Phil would ragebait him again, just to see him spark. The viewers certainly loved that.
Right as Phil finished cutting the clip out, the real Dan walked into the room. He glanced at Phil’s screen.
“How’s editing going? You almost done?”
“Yeah, almost. I just cut out six minutes of you ranting about something. Again.” Phil teased.
“You should have left it in. The people secretly love it.”
“I know they do, but you always get too passionate. The people are here for the ice yaoi, not for Dan Howell’s video essay on homophobia.” Phil didn’t mention that the people, and he, would love it if Dan started making video essays. He guessed he didn’t need to. Dan knew it.
“Ugh, okay. You can leave this one out. Now, if you’re done with that…” Dan trailed off.
“Yes?” Phil asked curiously, even though he was definitely not done editing.
“Will you come play mario kart with me?”
Phil sighed, but nodded. The video was almost done anyway. He got up and braced himself for another Dan rant, which would inevitably follow as soon as he lost.
II.
Dan: can I post this?
Dan: [photo]
Phil looked at his phone as the messages popped up, frowning. Dan usually didn’t ask him for permission before posting something on Instagram. He paused his game to open the photo.
Oh.
The picture Dan had sent was… intimate. Phil’s mum had taken it, sometime over Christmas, without either of the boys noticing. They were standing in the kitchen of Phil’s family home, Phil’s back to Dan’s chest. Dan had his arms around Phil as they both looked out the window. It had been their first Christmas together with Phil’s family, and it had been everything Phil had ever hoped for. He didn’t understand why Dan wanted to share this picture, though. They had hard launched, yes, but neither of them had ever really had the urge to share moments like this with the world.
Phil decided he couldn’t answer this question over text and went to search the house for Dan. He found him in their living room, hunched over his laptop.
“Hey.” Phil started, voice questioning.
Dan smiled up at him. “Hi?”
Phil raised his phone, not bothering to unlock it to show the message. “What’s this about?”
Dan’s expression changed immediately, going through emotions and thoughts faster than Phil could identify them. Clearly, he’d hoped Phil wouldn’t question him.
After a moment of silence, Dan seemed to settle on honesty as the best approach. Lying to Phil was no use. “Just… something my therapist said.”
Ah. Right. Dan had had an appointment this morning. Phil raised his eyebows slightly, but stayed silent, letting Dan talk.
“She said… we were talking about you, and us, and the audience, and she asked why I was still holding back. Why I was still scared. I guess I wanted to prove her wrong.”
This, Phil thought, made sense. It had taken Dan some time to even refer to them as partners on camera, as if he had to shed the skin of the “friendship” they’d pretended they had. Dan was also known to lash out whenever someone accused him of anything. Being gay, being a bottom, and now being scared. Accusing Dan of anything was like throwing oil on a fire. It was bound to flare up.
Phil didn’t say any of that, though. Instead, he asked, “are you? Holding back?”
“I mean, no. Yes. Ugh, I don’t know maybe?” Dan sighed, collecting his thoughts. “Maybe I am still scared. I can’t help feeling like this will all just… disappear, someday. That people will want us to tell them everything, or that they will stop supporting us. Maybe I am holding back because of that.”
Phil smiled at him warmly. “And you think posting this picture will prove you’re not scared?”
“Well it sounds stupid if you say it like that. You’re right, forget about it. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, not anymore.”
God, Phil was proud of him. He was so proud of all the work Dan had done, the work they had both done to be able to have this conversation now, open and honest. He was glad he could help him now, that Dan let him.
“You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. But that is a nice picture. I don’t mind sharing it, if you still want to.” Dan’s therapist had a point. They didn’t need to keep the platonic façade up, so why not share it? It was nice, and Phil was happy, and they deserved to be damn loud about it after all this time.
“You sure?” Dan asked, hesitant.
“Yeah. Post the picture. Maybe on stories, though. The people aren’t ready to see how cute we are on the feed.” He tried to wink at Dan, failing miserably. Dan laughed, looking a lot lighter, and pulled up his Instagram. Phil’s phone lit up with a new notification.
@danielhowell has added to their story.
III.
Dan’s skin was burning under Phil’s fingertips. He’d attempted to take a shower but forgot to check the water temperature. Again. He had stood under the scolding hot water for just a moment before he jumped out, but it had been enough to set his skin on fire and for Phil to be called over for help.
He’d been in the kitchen, eating dry cereal straight out the box. As Dan was showering, Phil had been sure he’d be able to snack undisturbed. He was wrong.
“Phil! Help! Dad!” Dan had shouted, and there had been enough panic in his voice for Phil to drop what he was doing immediately.
Phil was now patting Dan down with the softest towel he could find, trying to get him at least somewhat dry before he dripped water all over the house. He was sure Dan needed a doctor, not his partner. His eyes had squeezed shut and his face was scrunched in pain, trying very hard not to move away from Phil’s gentle touches.
“Do you need me to call an ambulance? Or an uber? You need a doctor if you’re this hurt.” Phil’s voice was laced with worry, his panic barely concealed.
“No, I’m fine, I just need to wait it out. Cool down or something.”
Phil sighed, but he knew better than to argue. If Dan didn’t want a doctor, Phil was going to have to step up.
“Do we have any aloe in the house? The least we can do is try and cool your skin.” He finished patting Dan down and gently touched his hand to Dan’s arm. “It’s really warm still.”
As soon as Phil’s hand made contact, Dan sighed. “Never in my life have I been this grateful your hands are always cold.”
Phil smiled. Dan was joking. That was a good sign. He went to look through the bathroom cabinets, looking for the stash of aloe he knew Dan kept. Phil burned very easily so they needed it regularly.
After finding the aloe and, after a stern look from Dan, remembering to close all the cabinets, Phil guided Dan to the bedroom. Dan sat down on the bed as Phil squirted some aloe on his hands. As softly as he could, he moved his hands over Dan’s chest, trying not to hurt him in the process.
“Is this okay? Am I hurting you?”
“No, it’s okay. It’s nice.”
“You know what this means right?” Phil’s face scrunched up in barely contained joy.
Dan frowned. “What?”
“Dan is on fire!” A huge smile spread across Phil’s face at his own joke.
“Not funny, too soon”, Dan deadpanned, but he was smiling too.
Phil carefully finished with the aloe. The relief was clear on Dan’s face, his shoulders a bit more relaxed. The pain had eased up.
“Come on,” Phil commanded as soon as they were done. “I need a snack now.”
Dan followed Phil to the kitchen. His eyes immediately locked on something on the counter. The shower and the aloe immediately forgotten, Dan turned to Phil.
“Phil,” he said in a serious voice, “were you stealing my cereal again?”
IV.
Phil opened his eyes to a pitch black room. He’d gone to bed hours ago, alone. Dan had been up doing god knows what, and Phil had become tired of waiting. He’d had a mild headache, making him decide to go to bed early, knowing Dan wouldn’t follow him. He’d expected him to be here by now, though. Instead, the other side of the bed was still empty and cold to the touch. It must have woken him up. Phil could go to sleep on his own just fine, but he’d wake up throughout the night a lot more when Dan wasn’t there.
It was really late, too late for Dan to still be up in Phil’s opinion. He got out of bed, deciding to go find his partner.
What he found didn’t surprise him in the slightest. Dan was sat on the couch in the living room, lit up only by his laptop screen. The lights were off. Dan’s eyes were half shut, presumably both from exhaustion and from staring at a screen uninterrupted for hours.
“You know, sitting in the dark like this staring at a screen is really not good for your eyes.” Phil broke the silence from the doorway. Dan jumped.
“Phil? I thought you went to bed.”
“Yeah, I did. Three hours ago. Why are you still up?” Phil left his spot in the doorway to pop a dim light on, then went to sit with Dan.
Dan smiled at him apologetically. “It’s that late? Shit. I lost track of time.”
“What were you doing?” Phil asked curiously. Dan rarely stayed up late these days. “Editing?”
“No, actually. I was, uh, planning our holiday.” Dan smiled sheepishly.
“Daniel.” Phil smiled at him fondly. “You do know that can wait right?”
“Yeah, but I got caught up! Do we want a beach picnic? Do we want breakfast buffet or are we gonna order room service? I was looking at this restaurant too but it needs reservations months in advance. Can you look at the menu? I think it would be nice, and the reviews say their cocktails are great –”
Phil shut him up with a kiss. It was a gentle one, one that expressed his fondness but also his exasperation. Dan could get so caught up in whatever he was working on, and experience had taught Phil the most effective way to get him out of there and into bed with him.
Phil broke the kiss, much to Dan’s chagrin. Dan pouted at him, making Phil giggle.
“Come on. Let’s get to bed, I need a snuggle before I can sleep again. That restaurant can wait, and if it can’t, we’ll find another one. I only really want sunlight and some time with you anyway.”
Dan melted immediately at that, closing his laptop and getting up.
“Well in that case…” He extended his hand to Phil. Phil accepted with a smile, letting him pull him up and lead him to the bedroom. He climbed into bed. When Dan’s teeth were brushed, he cuddled up behind Phil, kissing his shoulder.
“Goodnight Philly.” He whispered. Phil didn’t respond, already off to sleep.
V.
Phil got it. It had been a busy few weeks. Most nights, they had come home too exhausted to do anything but eat and sleep. There hadn’t been time, or energy, left to … take care of themselves. He’d felt the effects too, like a current running through his body. He suspected Dan suffered from the drought worse, though.
Phil was watching him now, sat on the couch, knee bouncing. He suspected Dan had no clue what he was doing, what his body was telling Phil. He would bet Dan wasn’t even aware of the leg. He reached over and put a hand on it.
Dan immediately stilled. He looked at Phil, a storm raging in his eyes. Phil could feel the frantic energy rolling off of him in waves.
“Sorry,” Dan started, “I don’t really know why I’m so on edge today.” His eyes were apologetic.
“Really?” Phil asked. “You really have no clue?”
The answer should be obvious, but Dan clearly didn’t get it. “No?” he answered, studying Phil.
Phil just smiled. He moved his free hand to Dan’s face, the other still on his knee, and kissed him.
Dan responded immediately. Phil had intended the kiss to start out soft, but it seemed Dan had other plans. He kissed Phil hard, as if Phil was going to pull away any second. Phil laughed against his lips and pulled away slightly, noses still touching.
“Oh.” It finally seemed to click for Dan. Phil burst out in giggles. Dan was still looking at him with heat in his eyes, but eventually he started laughing too. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize. How long has it been?”
“I don’t know. A week or two, I think? I lost track of the days.” Phil responded, then kissed him again.
They made out on the couch for a while, hands raving over each other’s bodies. Eventually, Phil got tired of waiting. They’d done enough of that recently.
He pulled back. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” Dan just grinned at him and followed.
Afterwards, they laid together in bed. Phil’s head was on Dan’s chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. He felt calm and sated. Judging from his breathing, Dan did too.
“Feel better now?” Phil joked.
Dan laughed. “Yes, thank you.” His voice melted into something genuine. He kissed the top of Phil’s head. “You always know how to help me calm down.”
“It’s been sixteen years, I sure hope I know by now.” Phil looked up to him and smiled.
They sat in silence for a while. Phil enjoyed every second of it. Sex with Dan was great, of course, but he secretly loved the moments after, the calm after the storm.
They’d had sixteen years. The time of rushing was well past.
VI.
Phil was freezing.
They were standing outside the phouse. The temperature, according to Phil’s phone, was -3 degrees Celsius, and it was raining. Dan was digging through his backpack, trying to find the keys. It had been 10 minutes since they got out of the cab, and Phil was freezing.
Dan had dragged him out to the gym, claiming that Phil wouldn’t enter his twunk era by sitting on the couch eating imported candy. Phil hadn’t felt up to it at all, but Dan had been asking him to tag along for weeks and he knew he couldn’t keep saying no. So he had gone. They had spent a full hour at the gym, doing whatever exercises Dan came up with. Phil could still feel his leg muscles ache. And since they both refused to use public showers, Phil could also still feel the sweat on his back. It felt like it had frozen over, sending shivers down his spine.
“Aha! Found them!” Dan exclaimed, and Phil could cry from relief. Dan opened the door and they stumbled inside together.
“Finally, I was about to freeze to death!” Phil quickly kicked his shoes off and then immediately put his foot on the radiator, letting the heat warm up his toes.
“You were not dying you idiot, it’s not that cold.”
“Easy for you to say, you’re like a walking fireplace!” Phil couldn’t believe Dan wasn’t rushing to the closest heat source, instead opting to calmly take his jacket and shoes off and putting the keys in the bowl by the door.
“Come here.” Dan said, and the gentleness in his voice warmed Phil up more than the radiator ever could. Phil scooted over and let Dan unzip his coat. Dan slid the coat off his shoulders and hanged it, then put his hands on Phil’s cheeks and kissed him gently. Phil forgot what he was complaining about, letting Dan’s gentle warmth and soft mouth heat his face. When Dan pulled away, Phil sighed.
“There. Is that better?”
“A little. But I’m still cold.” Phil put on his best whiny voice, hoping Dan would hold him some more.
“Go shower then,” Dan said instead, “you stink.”
“I do not! I smell like flowers and fairies!” Phil protested immediately. He turned around to go to the bathroom, though. He may have smelled beautiful, but he did want the dried sweat off his back.
After his shower, he found Dan in their bedroom, on the bed, also freshly clean and, notably, shirtless. Phil himself was just putting on a hoodie, still cold despite the shower. Dan only needed to glance at him for his expression to soften and to repeat: “Come here.”
Phil didn’t need to be told twice. He crawled into bed and cuddled up to Dan. “I’m still cold,” he told him. Then, “warm me up?”
Dan wrapped his arms around Phil without a word. They lay there like that for a while, Dan sharing his body heat with Phil. Phil thought it was the best thing, having his own personal space heater. They’re similar in a lot of ways but he was glad they were opposites in this. Makes for better cuddles.
Phil handed his phone over to Dan and they sat and watched tiktoks for a while, laughing and joking together. Absentmindedly, Phil thought he could go to the gym more often if it ended like this. But he was definitely buying Dan a carabiner so he could keep track of the keys easier. It’s January, for fucks sake, he shouldn’t be forced to be outside any longer than he has to.
Phil was so wrapped up in his thoughts he barely noticed that Dan was talking to him.
“Huh, what?”
“I said, do you want Italian or Indian for dinner?”