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Remus had been feeling less and less like himself and more and more like a wolf lately.
Rhea, the only other werewolf in the camp he'd been frequenting for the past few months who also had gone to Hogwarts and did not hate him for wanting to keep that part of his life, said it was a good thing. She had only been bitten at eighteen, fresh out of Hogwarts. But she was at least thirty years or more older than Remus. She also held a very respectable position among the other werewolf. She vouched for him, always.
Rhea didn't like to share details about her life before. But Remus knew she had tried to live normally for a long time before settling down with the other werewolves. She did like to share the lessons she'd learned from experience, though and one of the biggest ones was to let the wolf coexist with the human part of him. Werewolf magic is special, Rhea had said, let it make you a better wizard, Remus.
Remus couldn't stop thinking about it despite the fact that she'd said it weeks earlier, before the full moon. The moon had passed and he'd opted to leave the werewolves early this month because it was March. Remus didn't believe in celebrating his birthdays, especially in the midst of a war when people were dying left and right. But Sirius had begged him before he left. Remus couldn't say no to his boyfriend.
Much to Sirius's chagrin, he had a recon mission with James that day. Remus was sitting with Lily and listening to her gush about the colour she wanted to paint the nursery and show him the baby clothes that James had already bought. Remus was glad that there was this, James and Lily's baby, to brighten up the gloomy days and let them celebrate the future without too much guilt pulling them down.
Remus thought about what Rhea had said, about James's decision to make Sirius the godfather and the unspoken way that it extended to Remus, about a new life on the way and wondered how he could ever continue living like this. It was an impossible choice. It wasn't even a choice. Embrace the wolf and get accepted by the other werewolves or remain as human as he possibly can to stay with his friends? Why did Remus have to suffer through this?
Rhea had taught him a few calming techniques. She had described ways in which he could let the wolf gain more control while not letting it harm others. She had shown him how to cast wandless magic. How to recognise scents of other magical beings. How she was tied to her pack. How to heal. How to let the wolf be. Remus couldn't go through with it.
At the same time, Remus had to. It was not about gaining Rhea's trust. She trusted him regardless of his magic and his choices and his role in the war. But it would help him gain the trust of the other werewolves. The more powerful ones. The ones closer to Voldemort. It was what Dumbledore had wanted. Remus learned from her because one day, Dumbledore would tell him to and he wanted to be better prepared for it. Remus knew it was inevitable.
So, Remus had taught himself a few of those calming techniques. He had attempted to heal Rhea but he couldn't. She had said that it works best with the people that the wolf considers its pack. Remus didn't have a pack according to her. But only he knew, he did have a pack. He had stopped going hunting with his pack though. The weirdest werewolf pack in existence. A werewolf, a stag, a dog and a rat. Remus's pack.
"LILY! LILY!" came James's shouts from the living room. He sounded like he was in extreme agony, like life itself was being leached out of him.
Remus had never run so fast before. James and Sirius had gone together. There was no Sirius's voice. James was screaming for help. Sirius in danger. Sirius dead. Sirius. Remus's heart was about to drop out of his chest.
The living room was a ghastly sight. James was holding up Sirius as best as he could but there was a chunk taken out of James's left legg and he was standing on one leg himself. There was James's blood pouring on the floor. Despite this, James looked positively healthy compared to Sirius.
Sirius was slumped against James's side. His eyes were half open. There was blood pouring out of his mouth. He was making an odd gurgling noise each time more blood poured out of his mouth. Sirius's skin was pale. Much paler than usual. If James sounded like life was being leached out of him, Sirius definitely looked the part. His lips were an unnatural purple. If Sirius's chest wasn't heaving with the effort it took for him to breathe, Remus would have thought he was a corpse. The image kept flashing in Remus's mind despite his best attempts to stop. Sirius dead. Sirius. Dead.
Sirius was dying now. Remus was at his side in an instant. He held him in his arms while James dropped onto the floor clutching his leg. Remus dropped onto the floor as well, cradling Sirius in his arms. Remus couldn't see clearly. There were tears clouding his vision.
Lily wasn't far behind Sirius. She was one of the order's always on call healers. Lily hadn't learnt professional healing like Mary but she had learned most of the necessary emergency spells from Mary, Monty, Emma and Poppy, the four healers of the order. St. Mungos had been unsafe for Order members for five months now. It was overtaken by the Death Eaters who would put every order member there out of their misery within minutes of arriving at the hospital. They had lost too many before they had realised it. Lily summoned a first aid kit and set to work.
Remus wasn't well versed in healing. But he knew enough to know that whatever Lily was doing wasn't improving Sirius's condition. He was dying, faster and faster. In Remus's arms. James was completely sobbing now, unable to watch his best friend's agony. The sound of James's crying was somehow the only thing tethering Remus to reality. He couldn't let Sirius go. He couldn't lose hope.
Sirius would survive. Sirius had promised. To give Remus a wonderful birthday gift before dinner and then several later in bed. To visit Dorcas's parents next weekend together. To buy houseplants to tend to so that something in the apartment would be alive and thriving even if they weren't. To buy the newest Clash album and listen to it together. To get a new house together after the war. To learn to cook for Remus. To buy his godson an infinite amount of toys. To be together until the end of time. Remus couldn't lose Sirius. Anything but Sirius.
Remus had one of his hands braced under Sirius's head. He had laid down the rest of Sirius on the floor so that Lily would have easy access to work. Remus's other hand was pressed to Sirius's wrist, listening to his heartbeat. Remus could hear it somehow louder than even James crying. Louder than everything else. It was like Remus had his ear inside of Sirius's heart. Everything else was heightened too. Blood, everywhere. The smell of fresh blood mixing with dried blood. Sirius's erratic breathing. Dark magic in the air. In Sirius.
Remus knew it before Lily said it. Remus didn't really hear what she said. He knew. Sirius's pulse was falling. He felt it, or rather, heard it. It was the only thing he could focus on. Sirius's heart was refusing to keep beating. Remus couldn't stomach it. Sirius couldn't die in his arms. He simply couldn't.
Remus pressed the hand on Sirius's wrist harder. Willing his heart to keep beating. For Sirius to keep breathing. Remus would do anything to keep Sirius alive. Absolutely anything.
At first, it was unconscious. He recognised the sudden strength in Sirius's pulse quickly though. It was Remus's own magic. The wolf's magic. Remus was panicking. Could he do it? Could he keep Sirius alive? Remus had to try.
He calmed down his own heart, as best as he could. He took in deep breaths. He channelled the wolf's magic. He could feel it moving through him. Moving to Sirius. Padfoot. His pack. Keeping Sirius alive. Making him breathe. Healing him.
The more it worked, the more scared Remus became. He felt like he was tainting Sirius's magic itself with the wolf's. The longer he did it, the more control the wolf gained. Remus's and the wolf's magic was working in tandem now, in peace with each other to keep Sirius alive. Anything to keep Sirius alive.
Sirius was not simply alive though, he was healing. Blood stopped pouring out of his mouth. His skin became a little less pale. Sirius was regaining his life, little by little. Remus was barely aware of what even was wrong with Sirius. He knew it was an internal injury. A punctured lung or a torn heart muscle or shredded intestines. Remus couldn't be sure. The magic was instinctual. It focused on healing alone. Making Sirius better.
Remus didn't know how long it took. He felt Lily working her own magic around Remus's. Helping him along, guiding with the right spells and a wand. Remus didn't need those. It might have been a minute and a half or several eons later when Sirius took a great gasping breath. His airway must have finally cleared fully of blood for him to breathe properly.
Remus stopped whatever magic he was doing then. Sirius was healed enough that Remus let go of the incessant magic pouring out of him in favour of bringing Sirius to his chest. Hugging him tighter than he ever had before. Remus had been terrified that he was going to lose Sirius. He would never let go again. Never. The wolf was agreeing to him. It felt more at ease with Sirius as physically close to Remus as possible. Remus breathed better with the relief.
James joined them in a heartbeat. He was sitting awkwardly on the floor, leg still pouring blood, much lesser now. Lily was there then too, holding herself comfortably with space for her baby to breathe. They hugged Sirius with everything in them for what felt like an eternity, none of them wanting to let go.
"Moony," Sirius breathed after a while. It was so quiet Remus wasn't sure if he'd heard it.
"You're okay. You're okay, now, love," Remus whispered back, unsure of who he was comforting or why. His sounded broken, completely wrecked. Remus only then realised that he was crying through the hug.
It took even longer for Sirius to speak next, "Guys, I think you're suffocating me."
It was supposed to sound funny but Sirius's voice was rough and ruined. There was still blood in his mouth, drying quickly.
"Don't joke about that," Lily admonished but she also moved out of the embrace as she said it, giving Sirius space to breathe.
James took a while longer to move away, only after Lily urged him to sit straighter so that she could heal his leg.
Remus sat there, holding Sirius to his chest. He wasn't going to let go. He planned to stay there for however long Sirius would allow it. For eternity if he could get away with it.
Eventually, it was Lily who pulled them apart as well, "Remus, let him go. I need to check him over again."
Remus squeezed tighter once before letting Sirius go. Sirius smiled weakly at him. It didn't raise butterflies like it always managed to because Sirius still looked half dead. It was terrifying.
Remus stood up and went to the kitchen, searching for a pitcher of water. He felt parched. He found it and downed a whole jug. He still felt parched. Remus held the empty jug in his hand as Sirius's lifeless form once again reappeared in his head. It was like living a nightmare. Sirius coughing up blood. Sirius's eyes lifeless. Sirius dying. Sirius dead.
Lily was the one who found him. She wordlessly took the jug from his hand and began filling it with water. Remus watched, letting the sounds of water flowing and the bright auburn hair of Lily's to tether him back to reality. Sirius was alive. He wasn't dead.
She set the jug on the counter and faced him. "Thank you."
Remus blinked. Why was she thanking him? What did he do? Apart from letting a beast consume him in his selfish endeavour to keep his Sirius alive.
"For saving him. I, I didn't know what to do, Re. I'm so glad for whatever you did," she whispered.
"Lily," his voice was pleading. He felt like the earth was crumbling around him. Lily shouldn't be saying things like this, shouldn't be thanking him for being a monster. "Please don't."
Lily misunderstood him. "I won't tell anybody, Remus. I know people think this sort of thing is dangerous. But you made him live again, Re. You're a marvel."
Remus could hear blood rushing in his ears. He felt like he'd throw up. Lily was saying things that should be bleached out of her mouth. Remus wasn't a marvel. He was a monster. A fucking wolf. He could have killed Sirius just as easily. He's dangerous. He should be locked up. The people who think those things are right. Remus is just a selfish bastard.
"Remus, don't cry," Lily murmured as she came forward to envelop him in a hug.
Remus wasn't aware that he was crying. He felt like such a failure. He shouldn't be allowed to even be near Lily. She was pregnant. He was dangerous. But she was hugging him. Remus melted into it because he was a weak man despite the dangerous wolf inside him.
Remus was glad that he was back in his own apartment. He felt like if he spent any more time in that house, he would once again start hallucinating Sirius's death and end up crying again. Remus didn't want to cry any more than he had that day. It was his birthday still. Just an hour left of it. It was definitely the worst birthday he's ever had.
Remus was toeing off his shoes at the door. Sirius had gone ahead, hanging up his jacket. Remus followed. Their hands brushed on the coat hanger that they had bought together a long time ago after realising it was an essential to an apartment. They both froze. Remus and Sirius hadn't found time to talk to each other much that evening.
They let their friends fill the conversation and simply existed in each other's presence. There was the birthday dinner that was more solemn than any other birthday dinner he'd ever experienced and then just spending time in the kitchen all together because it felt too terrifying for any of them to be in different rooms.
Sirius had gotten him a very pretty magic talisman to wear around his wrist as a gift, apart from the countless muggle books that he'd managed to scrounge up from somewhere. The talisman apparently acted as a protective shield in his sleep, working to wake him up when there was danger lurking nearby. Remus had briefly wondered if he'd have to take it off if he wanted to get a night's sleep surrounded by werewolves. He hoped not.
Remus had assumed that Sirius, after the day he'd had, would want to go to sleep immediately after coming home. Without even looking at Sirius's face, Remus knew it wouldn't happen. Lily may have been kind enough to ignore the wolf inside of Remus but Sirius? After the way Remus's magic had influenced him so much? Sirius should be terrified.
Remus wondered what was going to happen. Best case scenario, Sirius would ignore it and gloss over it like all the other scary things in his life. Sirius had endured too much. Worst case scenario, he'd lose Sirius again. Remus didn't think he could survive that after the day he'd had.
"Moons, can we," Sirius began.
"Sirius, I can't," Remus started.
They had both spoken at the same time. Remus surrendered himself to the inevitable.
"You go ahead," Remus told Sirius.
"I don't want to sleep," Sirius whispered to him.
"Okay," Remus agreed easily, "What do you want to do?"
"It's still your birthday, isn't it?" Sirius asked.
"Sirius, no. We're not-" Remus said, shutting down the idea before it could even be formed. He was not going to entertain birthday sex in this condition.
"That's not what I meant, Moony," Sirius reassured. "Although," he dragged the word out, wiggling his eyebrows.
Remus gave him an unimpressed look as they moved into the living room. Remus turned on the lights as he went. He could never thank Sirius enough for making the electricity work alongside magic. It felt more like home that way.
Sirius moved past him, towards the shelves. He opened one of the bottom cupboards and began looking for a record to play. He eventually settled for a record that had been played so many times on their record player, it was weird to see that the record wasn't already on it. A Night At The Opera by Queen. Sirius was swaying from side to side and dramatically mouthing the words as he pretended to sing to Remus.
Remus settled down on the couch, watching the little performance meant just for him with a smile on his face that he couldn't quite wipe away. Trust Sirius Black to almost die in the afternoon and still dance to Queen at night. Remus couldn't believe that this was what he almost lost. Sirius was stealing kisses from him in between songs and Remus was melting a little inside every time Sirius did so. He was so unbelievably in love with Sirius, it was sickening.
When You're My Best Friend started playing, Sirius was pulling Remus out of the couch and making him waltz around the living room. Sirius put his arms around Remus's neck while Remus pulled Sirius in close by the waist. They smiled at each other like the idiots they were and turned and danced around the room. Remus attempted to dip Sirius once but only partially succeeded. It didn't matter because it just made them both laugh and crowd in closer together.
Sirius whispering the lyrics now made goosebumps arise on Remus's hands. Sirius could have the most intense effects on him at all times from simple things such as pointed eye contact and a few words. Remus felt like he was drowning in the storm grey of Sirius's eyes. They were the best shade of cool grey with blue mixed in them that Remus had ever seen. He was in love.
They stopped dancing when the record ended. Neither of them wanted to move away from each other. Remus rested his forehead on Sirius's and breathed in deeply. He would never get over the fact that he gets to have Sirius in his arms like this and nobody else. Remus is giddy with the feeling that Sirius is his. Remus closes his eyes. They stay in silence like that for a long time.
Remus remembers thinking a million years ago in first year that Sirius was a rich boy who could never shut up. Sirius always felt comfortable enough to just be and enjoy the silence with Remus. It always felt like something he did for Remus. But Remus knew that it must be some strange sort of comfort Sirius gained from him because he was so relaxed whenever he did it. It was never done deliberately. Sirius just loved him and felt safe enough to enjoy silences around him. This fact made his heart jump inside his chest every time he was faced with a silent Sirius who didn't have the impulsive need to fill it with something or the other.
Eventually, something gives. It's Sirius who pulls back his forehead first.
"Moony," Sirius whispers.
Remus doesn't open his eyes. He doesn't want to break whatever lovely moment they had built between but it had already been broken.
"Moony?" Sirius tried again.
Remus opened his eyes this time and took in the state of Sirius. He looked happy, content to just stay there in Remus's arms. But there was something questioning in his eyes, something curious. It made Remus's heart rate pick up wildly.
"Yes, love," Remus answered.
"How did you," Sirius stopped and took a deep inhale. "How did you save me?"
"Oh." Remus didn't know how to answer that question. How would Remus begin to explain the intricacies of his magic? It's dangers? It's strength? How would Remus explain that he was simply healing someone in his pack, like he would do after a full moon if he was with other wolves and they got hurt during hunting? How would Remus tell Sirius that it was not Remus, it was the monster inside of him?
"It's okay," Sirius mumbled after a while of Remus just gaping at him without saying a word. "It's alright. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He looked defeated, like he was tired of asking, of trying with Remus.
"No, love, I do," Remus said in a rush. He wanted to wipe that look off of Sirius's eyes. It worked. Sirius looked at him hopefully again. "It wasn't me. It was the wolf."
Sirius just continued staring at him, a little quizzically.
Remus explained, "Werewolves can heal each other. Well, heal their pack if one of them gets hurt. It's one of their different magical abilities. The healing, extra strength, the heightened senses, claws, sharp canines - all of those are unique to werewolves. Its what makes them dangerous."
"To humans," Sirius whispered, needing to correct Remus at every turn.
"You're human, love," Remus reminded him.
"And yet you healed me," Sirius whispered. It sounded like it was in awe.
"Padfoot. I healed Padfoot. You're part of my pack," Remus whispered back. It felt strangely comforting and just right to say it out loud.
"I'm Padfoot. You healed me. You're the reason I'm alive, Remus," Sirius said before pulling Remus into a kiss. It was breathtaking. Remus got pulled in by the current that was Sirius too quickly, too easily. Remus loved him.
When they broke apart and Remus gained some of his senses back, he felt like it was absolutely necessary to say, "Healing you, it's not a good thing, love. It makes me dangerous. I let the wolf take control. It could have killed you."
"You saved me, Moony. You could never," Sirius reassured him. Remus didn't want to believe it.
"I could have, Sirius. You don't understand. The wolf, it's dangerous to you all. I'm dangerous, Sirius," Remus pressed.
"No, Moony, you're not. You're not dangerous. You saved me. How is that dangerous? It's incredible, Remus. You're incredible," Sirius argued back.
They were drifting apart now, moving away from each other's arms. It hurt Remus to watch.
"I'm not, Sirius. You've got it all wrong," he said thickly.
Remus's face or his voice must have done something to Sirius because Sirius drops the argumentative stance and moves back to Remus. He drapes himself around Remus, arms around Remus's sides, head resting on Remus's chest and body pressed close together in an embrace so tight that Remus naturally returns it without a hint of hesitation.
Sirius speaks to Remus's chest but the words hit Remus hard, "Remus, I've known you since you were eleven and too shy to make friends because of your secret. I've loved you since. I've seen you grow and become this incredible person, Remus. You're kind and nice and charming and cunning when you want to be. Not once, not in all these years, have you been dangerous, Moony. And before you tell me that it's because you don't let the wolf out and do things like magically heal someone who was supposed to have died, it's not. Remus, it's you. You and your wolf and everything about you is incredible. It's amazing. You're awesome, Moony, did you know that?" Sirius looked up as he said it with an adorable smile. "You make me want to be more like you. I love you for it. I love every bit of you. You and your big bad wolf and your self depreciating tendencies and your fucking sweaters. I love you, Remus Lupin. And you just resurrected me back from death. And I only love you more. I love you so much it hurts, Moony. And I know, none of those things make you not dangerous but really they do, because you love me too. And you'd never let anything happen to me despite being the most dangerous creature in existence. Besides, I'm dangerous too. I grew up learning dark magic and rituals that should not be done in this era. I can probably kill an entire room of people with a single incantation if I wanted to. But I don't. And you don't either. We're both dangerous and I guess we can be dangerous together but that doesn't make us bad. You still love me despite everything. I love you too. I love you because of it too. You saved me. Who can say that, Remus? That they saved their boyfriend from near death by sheer willpower. Only you, Moony. And I love you so much for it." He somehow managed to tighten the hug as he finished.
Remus was crying again. He really didn't want to cry. It seemed Sirius was just choosing his birthday to make him cry in all the ten thousand different ways possible. Remus didn't even realise Sirius was done speaking for a solid minute or so because he was still processing all those words. What do you say to a love declaration like that? Remus supposed it was still a love declaration and there were only a few ways to respond to those.
"I love you too," Remus whispered into Sirius's hair wetly. He hoped the tears wouldn't be so obvious but apparently he had no such luck.
Sirius looked up then with tears in his own eyes. It was contrasted by the huge grin plastered on his face that said he was having the time of his life. He brought his hands up from around Remus to Remus's face to wipe away the tears slowly. He stood up properly to press kisses to Remus's wet cheeks, then stood on his toes to reach Remus's forehead. He continued by dropping light kisses on Remus's eyelids then his jaw and then finally met Remus's lips.
It was a soft kiss. Tentative, exploring. It was still a little wet from both their tears but neither seemed to mind. Remus melted into it instantly, allowing Sirius to slowly explore his mouth. Sirius sighed into the kiss like there was nowhere else he wanted to be. Remus agreed with the sentiment. It was like coming home. The best place on earth.
Remus could spend eternity right here, with Sirius in his arms, languidly kissing him like they had all the time in the time.