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Jimmy hadn’t been streaming with his camera on.
He knew- recently, figured out he wanted to be a girl. It was a nasty moment, lots of crying and confusion and sleeping on the couch for the first time because he felt like any contact with anyone would make his skin slump off. He had come up with a fool-proof plan, however. He couldn’t freak out if he just didn’t think about it. Unfortunately, seeing a smaller version of yourself in the corner of your eye constantly sort of went against the whole “out of sight out of mind” thing. Plus, then people would question the background change, and he’d have to explain why he was in Oli’s streaming room. And then he’d have to think about Kirsty, which currently made him feel like he had a red-hot iron stuck through his lungs. Safe to say, he wasn’t super enthused about streaming. But he already skipped the rest of this week, and then MCC came up. And he- couldn’t skip it, not his too. Couldn’t disappoint his team, everyone waiting to watch him.
Jimmy was doing awful.
“Hey, we’re not last!” Martyn cheered, little character bouncing on screen as he punched in the direction of the teams’ towers.
“Only second-to-last.” Joel snarked.
“Jimmy lock innn” Scar whined. “You’re last individual!”
“I’m sorry guys, I’m not feeling hot today.” he sighed, fingers tapping a rhythm on Oli’s desk.
“Are you sick?” Joel sounded so concerned, it made his stomach want to squeeze up and get rid of breakfast. The only saving grace currently was there wasn’t much to throw up.
“Maybe.”
“Hey man, you can’t skip out on hangin’ with the boys!” Scar laughed. Jimmy tried to laugh along. It was- stupid, the way the pit deepened, ready to chomp him up.
“C’mon Tim, you can’t ruin it for us!”
But he would, he would ruin it. He would. His stupid fingers were too large and his hands were too wide and he couldn’t play properly and he was distracted because tomorrow he’d be seeing Kirsty again and-
He hit the power button, letting his game crash and discord shut. The computer went dark. He pushed Oli’s chair away from the desk, tearing the earbuds out of his ears to sit on the floor. Under the desk. It was dark, small. What was he even hiding from? Anything he could do wrong he already did.
“Babe?” Oli shook Jimmy. It had been- how long? Minutes, hours? His face was wet, eyes hurting.
“‘M sorry.”
“Hey- hey, don’t apologise, it’s okay.” Oli was using that voice he made when Pochi was scared, soothing and shushing. It was- what, demeaning? Maybe. But was he better than a spooked animal right now? Reacting to nothing? “What happened? You just ended stream suddenly.”
“I don’t know.” an ugly sob tore from his lungs. Too tight, full of stones and poison and tearing him apart from the inside. He gasped up air, shaking whines escaping instead of anything actually helpful.
“It’s okay. It’s- really, okay. Can I touch you?”
“... I dunno.”
“Could Eloise?”
Why did that feel safer? He was with Oli, he should feel fine with having hands on him-
“El. yeah.”
“Perfect. That’s fine. I’ll be back- thirty seconds, I promise. Are you okay until then?”
“I’m not going to hurt myself,” he spat. “You’re not a therapist.”
“I do have a psychology degree, though. And I care about you, whatever you think of yourself.” Oli stood, leaving after a long look filled with something pitying and awful.
El spoke softly to him. Her skin was soft, smooth, hand taking his and leading him out of his hole. It was like he was a kid. He didn’t even know his clothes were off until he heard the ugly loud grating of the water hitting the porcelain too hard, felt warm water gathering around his feet.
“What…?”
“You back with me?” El smiled gently at him, guiding him to sit down. “I always feel better after a bath, so you might too.”
“.... where are my clothes.”
“Jim, we all remember when you tried to do a cannonball that one time and your trunks ripped off. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. And I’m sorry I didn’t ask for permission, but I think you need this.”
Jimmy was silent for a long moment as the water gathered aground his legs, tan gross already hairy again skin disappearing into the ripples, light scattering away so that he could really only see himself below the waist if he really tried. “I don’t like myself.”
El sighed, tired and sorry and sad. “That’s okay, Jim. Can I wash your hair?”
He felt nauseous from the water swaying around him. “Okay.”
El’s shampoo smelt like roses.
Her fingers massaged his scalp, nails scratching soothingly against his skull.
“Your hair is pretty long now,” she hummed.
“Is it?”
“Yeah. It's pretty.” She moved the lather around, floral-soft-feminine filling the warm air of the bathroom.
“I don’t think I look very pretty.” Jimmy mumbled, letting his eyes fall closed for a moment.
“Well, I do. And Oli does, and Lizzie, and Kirsty-”
He couldn’t hide the flinch that went through him.
“Owh, Jim-”
“Don’t coo at me. I’m not- a child.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Hold your breath-” El gave the barest warning before pushing his head back, letting the shampoo dissipate into the water, turning it a murky white from the suds. She was saying something now that couldn’t be heard over the water in his ears, the feeling of fingers through his hair, the urge to just sink deep into the water and never come back up. El sat him back up. “There we are. Conditioner now.”
“Am I going to have to wash my body?” he crossed his legs under the foam. The thought of it, for some reason, made him want to barf. Touching his body made him more aware he had one.
“I can do it if you want. But also, we don’t need to. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” Eloise had a purple bottle in her hands, an image of a garden on the front. “Do you want to talk about it? Seeing Kirsty tomorrow, I mean?”
Jimmy shrugged. His wet hair brushed his shoulders- tickled his neck oddly in away he didn’t hate. “I guess.”
“I love her, El.”
“I know you do. She loves you too.”
Jimmy pulled his legs up, knees poking out of the water to rest his chin on. Legs scratchy, face scratchy. Ugly.
“She shouldn’t. I’m a bad boyfriend.”
“You are a wonderful girlfriend, Jim. Oli knows that, and I can see it.” Eloise pulled her fingers away from his scalp- “that sits for five minutes. Jimmy, you are one of the most caring, loving, funny people I know”
He waved one hand around. “Even if I was a girl, or anything, she’s not bisexual.”
“Maybe she is. And even if she isn’t, maybe you’re an exception. You’re Joel’s exception- orI guess not, anymore.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Uhm, what are you particularly anxious about when seeing her?” Eloise asked.
“You’re talking like Oli.”
“We do live together, it happens. Seriously though, what’s the worst that can happen?”
“She says she hates me and never wants to see me again.”
El nodded slowly. “Okay, what then?”
“What?”
“She says he hates you, takes the cats, packs up and moves to America forever. What then?”
It was a stupid question. There wasn’t just- an after, in that scenario. Kirsty was everything. And you can’t just take away everything. He’d be left in a pit, forever, and it was awful to think like that, especially since he had Oli, but he loved her. Loved her more than he knew how to count.
“You’re zoning out.”
“I don’t think I could keep going without her.”
“Okay. that’s… a conversation for later, but one we will be having. Hopefully with a therapist present. But Jim, you are a wonderful, gorgeous, strong woman who has so many people behind her. No matter what, we’ll be here.”
“You keep calling me that,” Jimmy shivered as El shielded his eyes, a cup of cool water rinsing out his hair, “a girl.”
“You said you wanted to be a girl, didn’t you?” Eloise refilled the plastic cup, poured it over his head. “I can stop if you really want me to.”
“It’s fine I guess. I just don’t want to… think about it. If I feel good as girl, I don’t want to feel bad the rest of the time.”
“What if you were a girl all of the time?”
"Oh."