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"Hey Peter." Tony stumbled into Peter's workshop, a boy around Peter's age trailing cautiously behind.
Peter didn't look up from his web experiments. "Hey Mr Stark. What's up?"
"Just showing a new intern around."
Peter looked up, he had never seen Tony himself show any intern around the building site, and it was unusual for an intern to come into Peter's lab, especially when a lot of stuff in Peter's lab was 'classified' Spider-Man related things. "Who's this then?"
"His name is Harley Keener, I've known him for ages, he's about your age and will be working here on the same 'intern' level as you, I assume you might get along well." Tony shrugged. "His room will be located next to yours."
The boy smiled and waved awkwardly.
"It's nice to meet you." Peter smiled.
"You too." The boy smiled back.
Later Peter made his way to his room. He noticed the boy, Harley his name was, also walking to his room.
"Hey," Harley smiled, "Peter? Right?"
"Yeah, Harley? Right?"
"Mhm."
"Well I guess we are neighbours, sweet."
"Yeah, Tony did mention that, well goodnight."
"Night."
Peter got ready for bed. After brushing his teeth he stood face to face with himself in the mirror. He took a breath, washing away the small details he would pick out about himself that were simply too feminine. He instead thought about Harely, he seemed nice, Peter then felt a wave of dysphoria return again this time mixed with jealousy, Harley was more masculine then Peter, Peter couldn't help but to compare himself to the new boy.
Peter turned away and left the bathroom, taking a deep breath again. He put on his suit.
"FRIDAY?" Peter called.
"Yes Peter?" The robotic voice chimed out.
"Could you open the window?"
"Of course."
"Thanks." Peter crawled outside and made his way away from the building.
With each swing the wind blew away any remaining traces of dysphoria. Peter leapt from building to building. He forgot about anything and everything as he focused on swinging. When he got into the flow of things and his mind drifted over lots of things, mainly crime as he listened out for anyone who may need his help. A crying girl who ran away from home needing a lift to her friends, a criminal trying to rob some drunk teens, anything Peter could help with he swept in and did what he could.
He soon grew tired and made his way back, he slipped into his room and got ready then went to sleep.
Peter woke up, and imeadiately made his way to get some food in the shared kitchen.
"Oh hey." Peter greeted Harley.
Harley looked up from the cupboard he was looking in. "Oh, good morning. Hey, do you know what food I'm allowed from here?"
"Anything that isn't labelled with someone else's name is pretty much free game, but be careful, sometimes people write pretty small, or use a really bad pen, so double or triple check."
Harley nodded and grabbed a box of cereal, looking it over for a name.
"That's good, I bought that."
"Oh, okay, thanks." Harley moved to the fridge to look for milk. "Is there any milk?"
Peter glanced in the fridge, he sighed. "Nope, it appears not, sorry."
"Ah, that's fine." Harley shrugged. "I guess I can eat them plain?"
"Give me like 5 minutes?"
"Oh, okay?"
Peter put in his suit and swung to the shop, realising he forgot his wallet which he had to return to get.
"Back already?" Harely questioned.
"Forgot my wallet. Wait another minute."
Then he bought some milk.
"Here." Peter placed the well shaken milk on the table, at least it wasn't anything Carbonated.
"Oh, woah, that was fast."
"Don't worry. Enjoy your cereal." Peter shrugged grabbing something else for himself. Why did he even do that though? He could have gone without milk right?
"Thank you so much."
"No problem." Peter smiled.
Occasionally the Avengers would have meals together, Peter would show up but he would always show up late. It's not that he didn't love eating with the Avengers but on a bad day he felt so childish and dysphoric around them, he used to show up on time every time but then he skipped a meal with them and he didn't like the way everyone worried over that fact, they didn't need to worry over him. So he'd much rather just show up a bit late and let everyone just get adjusted to that routine.
Tonight was one of those dinner nights.
Peter shows up and no one cares he was late, everyone greeted him as he took his place at the table. Peter sat by Natasha, he found her extremely intimidating but he still sat with her: Natasha was always very observant, as she is a spy and all, so she seemed to know what Peter was feeling even if Peter hadn't spoken yet. And they both had the spider superhero theme going on so Peter always felt a little more connected over that, even if they were completely different.
Peter looked ahead of him once he had sat down and saw Harley. He felt a wave of dysphoria crash over him, he took a deep breath, this was silly, why was he so upset that Harley was here? But having Harely here (someone his own age) meant that any of his more feminine attributes would be less equated to his age: his voice was so much higher than Harley's, he was shorter in comparison and (although he likely was stronger than Harley) Peter did not look as strong as Harley appeared to be. Peter shook his head, it was all in his head, no one would notice.
Although Peter could sense Natasha's eyes linger on him he knew it was more likely to be a look of concern not a look of judgment.
Everyone but Natasha had left by the time Peter was done eating. She had agreed to wash up earlier and asked Peter if he could help, which he agreed to.
Peter filled the sink with warm water.
"Thank you for helping." Natasha said as she placed the last dish that had been left on the drying rack into its place.
"No problem." Peter smiled. "I like washing up sometimes, in a way it's kind of therapeutic."
"I wanted to speak with you." Natasha announced.
Peter looked to Natasha as she had quietly moved next to him, he didn't say a word.
"You seemed," she paused, wondering what the right word to use would be, "stressed at dinner."
"I did?" Peter said, like he didn't know she could read him very easily.
"Yes. Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.
Peter wanted to say no and he wanted to say yes. "It's Harley. I'm sure he is lovely, he really seems lovely, but he makes me feel so..." Peter trailed off, trying to find the right word but also hoping that he didn't have to say more.
"Feel so?" Natasha probably knew what Peter meant, but wanted to confirm she was right.
"Like I'm not masculine enough compared to him, and it's stupid because I can see myself next to Captain -freaking- America and yeah, on a bad day, I might feel abit self conscious but most of the time I feel fine!" He ranted. "But Harley is just a normal guy you know. No magic powers, no enhancements."
Natasha nodded. "But Clint and Sam are 'normal guys' by your standards."
"Yeah." Peter sighed putting a plate on the drying rack. "That's true. I think because he's also my age, you know? So you can't attribute certain things about me to my age because Harley is the same age and he's not like that."
"Yeah, that makes sense." Natasha dried the first plate and put it away. "I don't know the best thing to say, since I've never been in your situation, but I hope me saying 'you are not any less of a man because you aren't as masculine as Harley' helps."
"Yeah, that's helps." Peter smiled. "Thank you Natasha."
"You're welcome, now you don't have to help, I can do this." Natasha indicated to the dishes.
"Are you sure? I only cleaned like one plate?"
"Go go, I can do this, go and talk to Harely maybe."
"Haha, sure, not happening."
Peter looked up at his ceiling as he tried to sleep, reminiscing on the evenings events, he felt the ocean of dysphoria wash over him, yet he also felt himself float above it at the same time. His mind brushed over the positives for once; there were plenty of more feminine looking guys out there, he was just one of them, and he's still early in his transition and he passed really well too. He thought about himself as a kid, hoping to be more masculine some day, dreaming of being someone completely different in the future, and now he was sort of who he wanted to be.
On the other hand his mind still often brought back bad feelings of dysphoria despite how far he had come. He hoped it would all go some day, like he was a kid again, hoping to be someone else in the future.
Maybe he felt good about it all, or maybe he felt bad, or maybe he felt both and it changed and switched and swirled as the tides of dysphoria always have done.maybe he could just be fine for awhile, not great, not awful, he was going to be fine.
'It's going to be okay.' he told himself. 'Look how far you have come. Even if you can't see it, you have come so far. It's going to be okay.'
A few weeks pass, Peter avoided Harley best he could, and where he couldn't he soon got adjusted to feeling ever so slightly dysphoric around him.
Peter spend his time working in his lab doing whatever he wanted when Harley stood at his doorway.
"Hey, uh, sorry I'm just really bored, can I see what you're up to?"
Peter took a silent breath. "Sure yeah, come on in." He smiled.
"What are you working on."
"Oh, just some stuff," Peter came up with a lie, "for Spider-Man, I'm like sort of Friends with him and help him out with things."
"Oh really? That's so awesome!" Harley beamed. "I was always so awe-inspired and kind of jealous of Spider-Man as a kid, you know."
"Really?"
"Mhm, he was like so cool, I kind of wished I was him."
"That's so interesting." Peter smiled, layers of dysphoria finally peeling away at the idea that this guy was jealous of him.
"Really? I never thought it was that interesting." Harley laughed awkwardly
Peter laughed too. "Just because like I know him personally and it's so weird to know you like found him inspiring when to me he is just like my friend, you know?"
"Yeah, that's fair." Harley laughed again.
Suddenly the lights flickered and FRIDAY spoke over the speakers. "The building is under attack, power instability expected, this room will lack power in order to keep energy for more vital devices." She announced. "Mr Stark instructs for you 2 to stay together in that room, please lock the door. If danger heads your way you will be warned to give you chance to escape, otherwise you will be safe." Then the lights flicked off.
"What's going on?" Harley questioned.
"I don't know. I guess we will be fine, cant work in the dark, you okay?" Peter said, messing with his hands anxiously.
"Yeah, you?"
"Yeah," Peter stuttered slightly, "just a-bit stressed." The word weak played on his mind, why was he so stressed? He has dealt with worse.
"Don't worry. I'm here, I'll protect us if needed." Harley stepped over and held Peter's hand.
The moment their hands touched Peter felt more dysphoric then before, the way Harley's stupid hand were 'more masculine' than Peter's own made his mind swim with negative thoughts. He pulled his hand away.
"You okay?"
"Yeah," Peter repeated, just like before, stuttering again, "just a-but stressed."
Even in the dark Peter could see Harley's sudden look of concern. "Peter? Are you okay? Tell me the truth."
Peter blinked. "I just, feel so weak." He spoke quietly. Looking away.
"You aren't weak." Harley said.
"I know, I know." Peter sat down against a table. "Just when I'm around you, I feel like I'm not enough like a guy, you wouldn't get it though." He muttered that last part.
Harley looked at Peter sympathetically, he sat down too, leaning against a wall across from Peter. "You know," he laughed awkwardly, "I know it's dumb but, although I felt inspired, that's how Spider-Man made me feel."
"No, you don't get it." Peter sighed. "Whenever I'm around anyone who is more masculine than me, I feel I twinge of jealousy, like I always wish I could be like them, I wish I could just be them, and not have to worry. I'm not jealous because I'm not some awesome hero." Even if Peter wasn't a hero, he wouldn't be jealous of someone who was a hero.
"No that's exactly it." Harley nodded. "I wished I could always be masculine like him, and I could swing from building to building, and be so so free in my masculinity, and not have to be so much like a girl."
Peter looked up. "What do you mean?"
"Look Peter I-" Harely cut himself off, taking and letting out a breath and wondering what to say. "I wasn't born a boy like you or Spider-Man, but when I was a teen I hated being a girl, and the older I got the harder that fact became to ignore. I realised I was trans, but for awhile I felt like whenever I was near a guy I would sometimes notice how his voice was deep and mine wasn't, he looked like a guy and I didn't, how he was seen as a guy and I wasn't, how he was called by a 'guys name' and I wasn't. And I saw Spider-Man on the Tv or in the news and he was, simply a guy, in a way he reminded me of myself, I would project myself into him, but in reality he was a guy, I was trans."
Peter looked at Harley, speechless.
"So, I might not be the same as you, but I know what it's like to not feel 'man enough'."
Peter paused. "You get it." Peter moved forward quickly and hugged Harley, letting a small tear escape his eye.
"Peter are you...?"
Peter let go of Harley. "I was so so jealous of you, you were so masculine and compared to me I was not. And before I could equate me not being masculine enough with my age, but you came along and I felt like I was just feminine. I wasn't masculine enough next to you. And you are so so masculine, I still feel jealous. But you're also like me. You're Trans, just like me." Peter smiled. "And," he took a deep breath, "I was always scarred people would take note of that when I'm out there, but clearly not."
Harley looked at Peter questioningly.
"I am Spider-Man."
Harley blinked. "You're... what?"
"I am spider-man, Spider-Man is trans."
Harley smiled. "He is?"
Peter nodded.
Soon the attack stopped and Tony came to the 2 boys first, ensuring their safety over all. Then the 2 decided to spend some time together in Harley's room.
"Wait so have you gotten any surgery or just anything medically?" Peter asked. "If that's alright to ask?"
Harley nodded. "That's fine, and yeah, I've had top surgery and been on testosterone for a-while. You?"
"I've recently started testosterone. But nothing else."
"Wait, so the Spider-Man I was jealous of as a kid..."
"Mhm, wasn't even on testosterone."
Harley laughed. "That's insane, you have great vocal skills then because I was so jealous under the guides you were cis."
"That honestly makes me so euphoric." Peter beamed.
"I'm glad it does." Harley smiled.